How long has it been since I wrote? That is how long I have been totally mind-fogged and body wracked by drugs and pain, barely able to function. I finally figured out that I was being poisoned through the vents and am finally at the end of my rope and leaving here. I spent two days in a motel room barely able to move. I wish I could say that I was recovered, but I can't, but I will say that I moving towards health, and moving out of here will be a big part of that. Of course Mary Lou is not ultimately responsible for me being poisoned, but the bottom line is that I don't want to live with someone who I can't trust not to poison the boiling water for coffee, on the stove. I know she poisoned my meds, and I know she thinks the abuse and poisonous violence against my personhood is a good idea. That is what I cannot abide. We got into it deep time after she called me a bitch and told me I would never find a girlfriend because I was mentally ill--Ms Anti-Depressant pillhead who can't function without 5000 calories and 8 hours of TV a day. I'm sorry, but its the truth, and I'm tired of taking abuse from these people. She abused me, and I abused her back. When are these dumbasses going to learn? Abuse, control, and manipulation does not motivate me at all. DD or PDB was on the chatline earlier, pretending to be Jamie 1705, someone who I know and who knows me. How did I know, they were masquerading under a screen name. Because they didn't know me. When I told them that I wouldn't throw a first punch, DD responded "yeh right". I knew right then it wasnt Jamie, because even though we have gotten down into some knock down fights, Jamie knows me, and knows when and why I fight.
I watched Mark David Chapman interviewed last night, and jail has made him honest. He said that he didn't kill a man; he killed an image of a man that he built up in his own mind in an attempt to make himself feel better. That is the whole essence of evil, and that is why SLI & the high powered law enforcement that they have involved, are so evil. They don't know me, and they don't want to know me. They have an image of me in their minds and it is that image that they try to dominate and control, because they can't relate to the real person of who I am. I fight evil. I will never be dominated by it. I am not ashamed of my healthy anger against evil. I suppose I could be more Christlike and suffer in silence, but God calls us all in different ways. I've told these people over and over how and for what I am called, and they don't respect my free will or care about my chosen self-identity. They feed their own illusory image of me in their minds and try to mold me into their image of what I should be....NO!!!!! NEVER!!!!!! Get the picture. I treat people freely and fairly, if sometimes a bit agressively, and how dare you call yourself servants of God, when you do not. You will never motivate me.
I don't know how much longer I have to endure this. Obviously for a while. I'm tired Lord. But just like I watched Frodo last night struggle as he strove to rid himself of his ring, I know that I can only keep moving for what I know is the good, no matter how tired I get. And that good is a fundamental reorientation of spirituality---one that respects free choice and free will, worship under different forms and rubrics, and sexuality in all of its forms and manifestations, including my own lesbian love.
I'm not going to be online much for awhile, so I will be not doing much writing. It is time to leave, but I will my music, God. Thank you God for the gift of music to lift our spirits, and thank you for all the gifts you have given me to discern evil from good. Blessings on everyone I love, and mental health and liberation to all those who live in fear of allowing myself and others to be who we are. May you come to know God as S/he is---all-loving and all-powerful, and not a puny patriarchal Zeus at all.
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