Saturday, December 17, 2005

Disembodied and Alienated

Am I ever going to get my body and mind back?  As I am force fed drugs (anti-depressants, I suspect) because they leave me so severely depressed as to be suicidal when they are at the extrene), I begin to despair of ever feeling healthy and whole, mind-and-body connected, ever again.  I no longer breathe right---I always had a deep, energizing breaths---now like most Westerners, I cut off my breathe at the chest.  It is an instinctive reaction to breathing in poison.  My back is in the worst shape that it has been in, in years, with escalating pain and muscle tension.  I do not know how much longer it will function.  Then, there is the ever increasing weight gain (which I despair of ever losing), and swelling and pain of my joints--my ankles are chronically swollen, and my wrists now have joint pain so bad (which they never did before) that I can't do down dog, which before used to be a resting pose for me.  In yoga, I realize that I no longer am connecting with my center, and I think that is because the drugs are alienating me from my center.  In a way, it is good, because I realize most Americans live like this everyday---no wonder we are a nation of dope addicts and addictive, idolatrous, patriarchal religion.  The simple reason is that we no longer are in touch with our bodies.  I'm sure all the idiotic psychologists and priests with DeBlassie and McNamara leading the charge, keep trying different dosages and preparations, wondering how to deal with a body so sensitive.  My body is not sensitive; it's just not alienated from, or subjugated to my mind, like theirs is.  My body talks and I listen.  I dreamed last night that my wise old woman archetype of my dreams was being poisoned.  That is the archetype for God/Jungian Self (If I were male, my image would have been of  white haired and bearded old man, but unlike most women, I am not alienated from my own deep feminine energies). 

If people had any connection with their body, we would not have a problem with addiction--and that includes co-dependent, patriarchal religion.  I know that I will never trust or talk to those people who have treated me like this ever again (though from the way they pop up on my buddy list whenever I sign on, they obviously believe their own lies and illusion). I miss talking to my real friends online.  Perhaps that is part of the severe depression afflicting me.  I have no one who really can relate to me.  There are people who could, but circumstances (the abuse I endure) prevent any real relationship from developing.  I don't know what would be more awkward--me being truthful or them being truthful.  I'm not into lies or superficial relationships, so its better that I be alone.  God, I long for a normal life.  Today, I was actually clear of the drugs for most of the day.  I even came into the room and watched a football game like a real person.  Then, I got cocky, thinking my tormenters finally had left me alone, and turned on the heater.  Now I'm alienated from my body, with a splitting headache, and my body's muscles all spasming from pain at the poison.  I told you, Tita---it is better to freeze than be poisoned, but you didn't listen.  These mind rapists are not going to let you go.  When I am severely depressed like this, I can think of only one way to regain control of my life, but I remember other people who have survived torture, and keep hearing that Merle Haggard song, playing in my head, "If we make it through December."  I know what my future is---I just have to make it through December.  Well it is time to take pain medication and try to go to sleep, with no heat, muscle spasms, a splitting headache, and the kind of unrefreshing sleep that is granted the poor sobs who are alienated from their own body.  God Im so pissed at myself.  I so desperately wanted a good night's sleep....not tonight. 

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