Tuesday, June 30, 2009

HEad hurts badly today--too much csf

HEad hurts badly today--too much csf, evcen tho I try to get rid of it doing dahn yoga, but just too much fluid. Im having real energy issues too--sometimes I go thru literal "dead zones" of energy, and all i can do is lay in bed and sleep. I am sleeping better however, but tonight I think i am going to have to take tylenol pm just to get rid of mf headache

Friday, June 26, 2009

Proof positive today of how far the alien implants

Proof positive today of how far the alien implants have deteriorated and destroyed my body when I took an Ashtanga yoga class from a sub teacher. 5 or 6 years ago, I was able to do Ashtanga with a moderate degree of proficiency. I was strong enough to take my legs up in the air and jump back to a pushup position from my hands. I took an Ashtanga class about once a week for nearly a year, and this was after my back injuries. Indeed, even with a bad back, I would say that I was in pretty good physical shape until four years ago, when I got health insurance and Dr. Thal Gonzales signed off on my body destruction certificate. Since then the psychotropic drugs and the body/brain implants have destroyed my body. Even on a good day, I can't feel my legs or get them to move well or responsively at all. I can't even get my legs to get me to the floor with any smoothness or grace, or even painlessly, much less jump back in a springy, fluid motion. Why? I think the implants in my lower back are necrophiliac machines, destroying flesh and tissue, and destroying my already damaged nerves. I can see the great suckholes in my ankles, knees, and elbows where the implants have eaten away at carnal life, and feel the joint pain and stiffness that was never there before. I can only imagine what my back looks like. I found some relief with a magnetic belt, but that resulted in a rare intervention by the spooks PTB--they took the belt--it was not easy to lose;it was a large belt. The good news is that magnets kill those goddamned nerve and flesh-eating implants of slavery. The bad news is that I can't protect myself from it. So I am left wondering how much effort to put into trying to heal myself, when the truth is I can never heal as long as those alien implants are in me. Of one truth I am certain however--I will not become a kool-aid drinker who believes the lies that the aliens are spreading to gain cooperation with our own slavery. They have manufactured global crisis and groomed and manipulated a hidden global elite to destroy humanity--children of the Earth and flesh, and I bear those marks and signs of destruction in my own body. I just live for the day I figure out how to destroy and disable the goddamned implants. Until then, all I can do is grieve for the healthy body I once had, and keep struggling to maintain my health as best I can.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Struggling to do just basic things

Struggling to do just basic things--I have not been so depressed since I was a teenager. The reason for my depression is the same now as it was then--toxic patriarchy stealing my life and energy, while they try to force me to conform to meet their needs. I can say "fuck that" or "hell no" but I can't escape the drag of depression and misery that comes to a woman who insists on individuation and freedom in a toxically patriarchal world--control and abuse. I don't know--maybe I am being drugged with something in addition to the implants. All I know is that nothing gives me joy, happiness, or energy. I go to Dahn yoga to keep from becoming paralyzed with excess csf, but even that is a huge effort. It wasn't that way at first so what happened? Either Ratzinger and the gd cabal of patriarchs either added another drug to the mix or they have increased the level of the implant downloads. All I know is I am fucking miserable, I long for a life, a lover, a job, just a feeling of being normal. I have endured this GODDAMED SHIT for over 12 years, and I no cooperate or am compliant--not that it does anything about the depression.

Going to be another long nite

Going to be another long nite--the spooks are still camped 30 feet away from me, waiting to irradiate me with electromagnetic pulses while they attempt their psychic rape once again. Had a rough day--no energy at all, and tonight I am suffering from the goddamned brain rushes and muscular jolts that tell me my body has way too much electricity going thru. I can't sleep when I am this way, but the torturing fuckers have got to do something to get an electrical charge out of me that they can drain to feed their evil masters and luciferian angels. I took some tylenol pm, hopefully that will knock me out but I can tell--its going to be a long miserable night. So tired of this shit, but I realized today, there is no one to rescue me. Rep. Bachmann said it best, America now has "gangster government." Me, being a free person who believes in liberty and justice, I refuse to kowtow to any patron--especially when they are as morally depraved and corrupt as the men (very few women, if any) running our country to hell.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Preparing for a night from hell

Preparing for a night from hell--my "neighbors" (the ones who are "owned"by the feds) are gone, and in their place are more spooky alphabet assholes looking to whet and feed their psychic vampirism on me through close proximity and use of hi-tech wizadry that I can't even begin to imagine. It started last nite--I knew it and expected it but was still surpirised when it happen--I think the fuckers may actually be able to do some kind of astral projection into my twilight dream world, but I woke up and caught the guy looking through the square peephole in the blinds. So I fully expect more of the same tonite. There is no defense I have. If I go to a motel, they will play their little games from outside the door or the next room. So I have to be strong, I have to be resolute, and fight back on the spiritual level. I'd like to bring down curses on the pricks who do this to me, but Jesus says that the best one can do for an enemy is to bless them, so I am going to try to make my little home a place of prayer. I have to be careful, because even though Dahn yoga is helping me physically, I get the impression that it is also making me more vulnerable psychically, and these assholes who are camped in a house about 30 feet from me, are truly evil and degenerate of the highest order. I may be better off physically unable to move, as long as I remain psychically impenetrable. Well God, look after your daughter tonite. Please don't let these sick evil bastards in my head while i sleep. I have to pray that you defend me, because i cannot defend myself...tho, if my neighbors do not return, I will have to move--I don't want to live next to degenerate evil seeking to harm and vampirize me for any length of time AT ALL....Oh I shouldn't forget to mention how drained I am as soon as I enter the house--the negative entity is sucking all my life and energy out of me. So I pay 150 dollars a month to generate energy, just so the goddamned aliens can suck it out of me via their implants--my Dad wouldn't be too happy with me playing such a sucker game....need to make some decisions...

Monday, June 22, 2009

Another wasted day--sick on posychotropics

Another wasted day--sick on posychotropics. Forced myself to go to dr who wants to do surgery, and needs to do it in tow weeks if it happens, but i am too sick to do anything. had to walk back from bus station, and i was so shaky and sick i dont know how i managed to walk half mile. full blown migraine took a fiornal but it doesnt really help. so disgusted with my house. my kitchen smells, but i am too sick to get up enough energy to wash dishes. nothing to do but pray to God to release fme from this hell that is my life.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

I was wrong

I was wrong, not on lithium, i am on risperdol. my God, i cant believe these fuckers put me back on this shit when they know how bad it is for body. i cant read, cant make sense of words. i cant watch tv, the moving images are all weird and make me sick. all i can do, and i know because ive done this before is lay in bed and fantasize. risperdol actually makes it impossible for me to function in physical world, and just leaves me in imaginative one. worse of all, body is fucked up, cant stand, cant lift arms to brush teeth, everything is dead. totally disconnected from any body. i feel my stomach and it is ice cold while head is so hot and heavy i cant hold it up, but i cant do the gut exercises to heat up stomach. too sick to do anything with body. my poor right eye is in severe shape, going in and out of total blindness. supposed to go to dr tomorrow but theres no way i can drive and park in that place. i can take bus, but my legs are too dead to stand for more than a coupleo f minutes. i dont feel like going anywhere tomorrow. all that money i put into gym, wasted, ttoo sick to do any kind of physical activity at all. why, i think because of ratzinger, and goddamned catholics still thinking the stupid fools i am one of them. insofar as i identify with any christian institution it is the episcopal church. i am reading malachi martin, and i am amazed as i read it, that i spent as maNy years as id id trying to fit into a church where women are disregarded nothings, fuck all that shit. let me go, but of course ratzinger cant. i am his prize now99his claim and link to glory, martin got one thing right, there is a new spiritual institution on thsie rise, any institution that would treat a human being , wellk, techinically im not a human being by their standards, just a woman, but anyway, the roman catholic church is a dead institution, and i say burn baby burn, may no one ever suffer what i have suffered the last twelve years at the hands of these sick patriarchal torturers

Another day to sick to do yoga

Another day to sick to do yoga--whatever drug I am being force fed has completely left me disabled. I think it is lithium. Today I am not aable to turn my head or torso--this was after dahn yoga had made great gains in limbering up my body. in short i am slowly becoming catatonic again. worst of all is the feeling of deadness, body is dead, brain is dead, i cannot do any exercise. all effort hurts, just want to lay down and sleep. so depressing to realize that i fight so hard to make a li l bit of gain and the goddamned assholes come in and undo all my effort. As of today i realize there is no point in continuing to pay for dahn yoga or gym membership, as there is no benefit to be gained because the goddamned ptb just undercut any progress, and make me sick as a dog with drugs once more.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Unbearable suffering

Unbearable suffering as my body is wracked by neuroligical spasms that jolt my entir body. It is lithium that does that. There is absolutely no remedy except vicodin which shuts down my cns which stops the brain initiated pules from sending spasms down my entire body. Lupe saved my life four years ago by giving me a few vicodin, but not I cannto get any, so I lay in bed shakin in involuntary contractions and electrical jolt every couple of minutes. On top of that my liver is acting up, ive had pain, severe pain, from what i recognize is my liver acupressure point in my foot all day. My liver cannot detox all the poison in my body. Thus i am loathe to put any alchoho in, which is theonly other cns depressant i have access to. My arthris is flaring up every where as body cannot detox. On top of it, heacaches and migraines. worse of all, it is clear that it is ratzinger and the goddamned catholics responsible for this bout. It is as tho i am bounced back and forth from one evil cabal in the political realm to the evil cabal of the religiuous realm. I DESPISE THEM BOTH. They both are enemies of humanity, and there is nothing i can do to stop them from torturing me. I am so goddamned sick with lithium poisoning i am not even worried about the inevitable weight gain. everytime is uffer to lose a couple of pounds, the goddamned opus dei comes roaring back . also know i am on lithium cuz of mood swings. i am too sick to show any emotion, but inside i just want to hit to carve to kill to get rid of this goddamned shit once and for all. how long God can a person suffer the tortrue i am suffering.

Sick and miserable with drugs again

Sick and miserable with drugs again. I always know when I am on heavy psychotropics--I just have no energy to do anything at all. I also can tell because my senses just shut down--specifically it hurts to open eyes. Even though I have recovered from the earlier part of the week when I was totally non-functional, I still am not the nearly human being that I was last week. I don't know what the fuck the torturers are doing to me now. I just know that I can't drag myself to do anything--and I had hoped to go to a yoga workshop today. But I am too goddamned sick. My head hurts from all the goddamned implants, my eyes dont want to open. I just want to lay down with sheet around my head...Oh I should say, this is right in line with the objectives of the torturers--being miserable and suffering is an essential part of being controlled. I let it all out what I think of them and the luciferian lords they serve. Why don't these bastards just kill me? I got a theory about that but am too sick to go into it.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Third day in a row with sick migraines

Third day in a row with sick migraines, nausea, inability to process sensory stimuli, and fatigue to the point of sleeping. There won't be any Dahn yoga happening until these migraines pass--I am too sick to even think of moving. So tired .

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Sick sick sick

Sick sick sick with painful, "dry" migraines. Try to watch a lil tv, cook, but everything makes me sick. Head hurts to even touch, so much pressure. Nothing I can do but lay down with a sheet round my head, and pray, pary for death. obviously this life is a bust.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Blindsided by psychotropics

Blindsided by psychotropics just when I was starting to feel better, not good, but better with all this expensive yoga classes i am taking. Goddamned illuminati fucker pigs =couldnt bear it, so now I am nonfunctional again with some drug. head wants to burst, weighs fifty pounds. desperately need diamox, but cant find it, hope motherfuckers didnt take it. probably did. cant open eyes, hurts everything hurts. cant walk, im like drunk cant hold any balance. terrible pain, misery, sadness, depression. supposeed to go to dr but am way too sick to drive. just have to survive, endure. its hard with all this bursting head paon.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Worst headache than I have had in a fw days

Worst headache than I have had in a fw days--am I being hammered with lithiym or some other psychotropic drug again, or is it just and amped up version of same old same old brain download shit so they can try to hack into my head. I am prepared--I know there is another space shuttle mission blasting off. I dread every damned space trip to that station. Not much I can do. They pretty much can abduct me at will. . I jus hate all the goddamned pain that this shit causes. Once again, cant lift head or open eyes--too much pain. Taking pills going to sleep.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Dreamed last nite

Dreamed last nite that the implants are pure poison--they make one's tongue turn black. I think I am getting greater and greater understanding of their purpose, and it is all bad. I'm too tired to continue but sooner or later I have to, I don't know if I can make any difference since my body has been sold out to the slaveowners, but I have to try. In the meantime, I continue to try to function when I feel so bad, sick and tired nearly all of the time--not to mention dealing wth the goddamned edema in my body

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Suffering terrible pain caused by these stupid assholes nad the

Suffering terrible pain caused by these stupid assholes and their goddamned implants. Struggle so hard to heal my poor, tortured body, and the more I fight to heal, the more the goddamned fuckers put their goddamned shit in me. Legs are so neuropathic and swollen, I hobble with pain, cursing each time I lift a leg. My joints are all swollen and arthritic. Fucking head is a bowling ball, and eeen tho I spent a class alreadt shaking, bodyt tries to bibrate, tries to heal, get rid of the ghoddamned pressure in my fucking head. Legs are seamed again, so edemic with fluid. Want to curse, want to kill the stupid assshole responsib.e for this. if i had to name one personf it would be dave denny and his stupidass granidiose delusions of political grandeur, selling me out to powers of evil, so he could be a "player" when he isnt even man enough to deal with me as a human beign. NO use though fighing lost battles. everything seems like a lost battle. May be one dayt I can actually ahave a victory for my humanity and dignity, to get rid of these satanic implants in my brain and body (no, all you stupid misguided people who believe in benevolent space brothers--nothing divine or even benevolent about these imjplants--they separate one from God, not brign closter. But no victory today. Have to hold on. hang interher.

Monday, June 8, 2009

I am beginning to dread nights

I am beginning to dread nights--nothing but incredible headache and neruopathic leg pain, while every time I begin to drift off to sleep, some kind of neurological shock originating in my brain, but jolting my entire nervous system in mycoclonic spasm, wakes me back up. Last nite, I got to bed at five in the morning. Not a good nites sleep. Already the pain is setting in. God, I try so hard to keep my body fit and healthy, but the goddamned slave implants lead to nothing but destruction and pain.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Woke up miserable with excess csf and headache

Woke up miserable with excess csf and headache--woke up too late to go to yoga. All body hurts. I tell myself keep documenting even tho I see no end in sight. After the realization of what happened to flight744 Air France, I realize my govt is being run by terrorists, and terrorists who would murder 224 innocent civilians (maybe one or two or three could be considered world "game players"), could care less about the suffering of one innocent person who they are attempting to coerce. I'm so pissed off bbecause I am too sick to do anything today. Need to lay in bed and try to get some reading done before mybarely functional condition becomes totally nonfunctional

After a day when I felt strong enough

After a day when I felt strong enough to go for an extended bike ride, I have been struggling with increasing cerebral congestion and pain. Right now< I am suffering a migraine headache again--except its not a migraine--its just torture caused by the goddamned implants. I hope i can go to sleep with just tylenol pm, but theres no question, the nausea is starting.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Trying to recover

Trying to recover from a day of the most intense of evil. It amazes me when these Internet numbskulls write of the "angelic" nature of the alien intervention. It is angelic allright---from the angel of Lucifer and his followers from hell. There is nothing of God or the divine in the psychic rape and torturous pain that accompanies these alien interventions from and beckoning to other dimensions. That is why yesterday I kept covering myself up--I was trying to protect myself. I just had no way of knowing that the fuckers would violate me with such rapidity and impunity. Now, smelling blood in the water, I am all drugged up again, as once more they try to hack into my brain. I am deeply depressed--just as any spiritual person encountering the demonic violation so intimately would be. There is nothing "divine", "illuminating" or special about this experience--it is evil, pure and simple, and it really scored major points against me yesterday, all the while I was just struggling to heal from all their transgressions against my body and psyche. So much for heealing. So much for any kind of life at all. I am truly trapped, and I see no way out.
In the meantime, I am so fucking drugged that I literally cannot stand because my muscles are so locked up. More and more, I see and scream out the need for resistance. Better to die a human being than live a slave to those goddamned assholes. I suppose they are laughing as they read this, knowing how enslaved I am, thanks to the goddamned Christian morons who have sold me out, hoping for a pittance of political power and glory.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Totally fucked up

Totally fucked up. Torturers have compromised the one thing that gave me health, hope, and a sense of being human. Once again their goddamned implant poison shit has left me nonfuctional. Crippling headaches---had them before==think they may be separate psychotropic drug. Ketoacidosis. Smell it on my urine--not just once, but the last two times Ive peed. Neuropathic leegs, cant walk. Ankles are full of burst capillaries from excessive edema. Severe drive me out of my mind pain--nobiody can stand the kind of pain suffering that is my life. nobody. Austistic---cant even bear to watvch tv--moving images are all wrong. hard to drive when i am not perceiving reaslity clearly. cant bear any stimuli, the physical muscles of eyes literally hurt to open and move so it is easy to keep eyes shut. Terribl pain God, terrible pain.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Drained and exhausted

Drained and exhausted as usual after a psychotropic beating. Forced myself to get out and about even tho' I still am so messed up that I am not perceiving reality correctly--same old feeling of being autistic, and not being able to bear moving ovjects well. Very very tired. Still, all things considered, I am grateful to be rid of the fucking migraine and being able to get out of bed. I just wish I could sleep, really sleep, without those goddamned implants interfering. Fat chance. I'm starting to realize when I'm losing life is when alien interference in my world's affairs is peaking.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Going bad to worse fast

Going bad to worse fast--way too much csf in head. cant move head. can barely hold it up too heavy. body going catatonic. too sick to get diamox filled. too sick to go get some hard liquor only thing that really helps. eyes dont want to open. hurts to open and move them. i have been here before. every time these fuckers do this, they nearly kill me, and they leave permanent brain damage. maybe this time i will get lucky and die.

Second day of being so drugged I can barely lift head

Second day of being so drugged I can barely lift head--not in good shape. I spent all of yesterday sleeping--sleeping on whatever psychotropic drug completely wasted me. Woke up devastated again by the drug tho not so bad. I can get out of bed. I didnt grab for phenergan and fiornal within the first five mins of waking up, and I actually have managed to sit at my computer for, so far, about 10 minutes while I read email. Don't think I feel up to any extended periods of reading and research tho. My back hurts from having spent 22 of the last 24 hours in a prone position, and I am trying to pep talk myself into getting up and doing something. Herei s where I hate not having a regular gym routine. When I feel like shit, I hate starting something new.
Of course, starting somehting new is why I got blasted with these drugs in the first place. I was supposed to see a trainer yesterday, and just as when last week, I was supposed to have a one-on-one with a Dahn yoga trainer, I get so blasted with drugs I can't get out of bed. Why? Oh, after years of dealing with these sick sons of bitches, I can tell you why--jealousy. They are certain and proprietary in their claim that only they know and understand me and my "mental illness". They cannot bear that others, in their genuine openness to reality, both mine, and the greater reality of God, are the ones who are capable of healing and helping me, while everything opus dei and the abc boys advocate and force down my throat is pure poison to me. Really, I am not in such bad shape, except insofar as the Inquisitor's poison pharmaceuticals and brain implants have made me so, and all I have to do is escape their sphere of influence, and I CAN be healed. Of course, that is the trick, and I don't see it happening anytime soon for this current administraation is working hand in glove with my tormentors. All I can do is pray to God to give me the strength to survive my tormentor's tortures and endure my loneliness---for a big part of the Inquisition's game plan is to isolate me--that i swhy every time I am to meet with someone--and this includes Dale tooo, I get so waylaid with drugs that I can barely function. You poor sick miserable bastards. I don't know how you can stand your own evil. But I can't think on it. I am too busy trying to stand your own evil forced upon me, for my own benefit.

Monday, June 1, 2009

Spent all day in bed

Spent all day in bed--whatever psychotropics i am being force fed ha ve me so drugged i cant wake up or get out of bed. I dont keven know hat ist is about--maybe its just to isolate me. realize that every time I am supposed to meedt with someone, i am drugged up to the point of nonfunction, just so i cant go. sjust so i remain isolated. cant make me crazy assholes. you can make me fat tho. that drives me crazy so maybe you goddamned fuckrs win, no matter what i do. happy to be me happy to be free of any cooperation with ur shit. just suffering tho. tired of suffering all time, God.