Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Soon I will be nonfunctiong

Soon I will be nonfunctiong as I now suffer with another drug--depakote I think--which leaves me severely depressed and low energy and irritable and cranky. I want so much just to have enough energy to clean house but I got to fight against the desire just to close eyes and sleep. dont feel good at all. I wanted to stay up to midnite to watch the ball drop but i dont think that is going to happen. Maybe i will try drinking --alcohol always used to help me function better when I was on lithium

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

My thyroid meds have been pulled

My thyroid meds have been pulled and now I am miserable with digestive problems and constipation. Also disappointed to realize that my weight gain seems permanent. I need both thyroid and dopamine agonist for my metabolism to be normal. Keep having headaches, but right now it is the thyroid lack that is bothering me. I've got that old familiar cement block in my upper stomach...sigh...I could say at least im sleeping in my own bed, but Im too ttired to clean my house in order for me to feel comfortable sleeping here. I hope i have energy tomorrow.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Massive headaches as I

Massive headaches as I struggle to function with all this speed in my system, weighing me down, preventing clarity of thought, and just making me feel like shit. Even worse, the bastards have pulled the dopamine agonist. I gained 4 pounds in one day--it is all fluid retention, and the first place it shows is in the belly. Even before the doping forced my body into obesity, I recognized that my belly would bloat out like a pregnant woman's --always, but not exclusively at my period. The 5H-t imbalamce also causes female hormone imbalance (I wish I could remember but my brain is so dulled by the drugs and pain I can't remember anything). I recognize that suffering, pain, and humiliation is part of the game plan by the sickass perverts who are torturing me(the stupid dumbass bastards actually think that is going to make me conform to their expectations), but even tho' I want to proactively be more me, the goddamned drugs make me barely functional. And on top of that, now, I have to deal with how shitty I feel without the dopamine agonist--so much difference. But then being a human being, feeling good about oneself and in one body goes against the game plan. Fuck you all you stupid Opus Dei Christians. Do what you want. I am not one of you. You are not of Christ. You are in the same league as the great deceiver who denies a child of God free will.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Halfway mark over holiday hell

Halfway mark over holiday hell--I had such high hopes for this holiday. 10 days ago, I was so excited, so happy to feel so human again--my naturally joyful, enthusiastic, and grateful appreciation of life was nearly back to normal. I could look in the mirror and not turn away in disgust from the stranger with fake, implant-brightened eyes that have none of the loveliness of human or holy spirited eyes. The unnatural, alien-hennaed orbs were still there, but at least I could "see" myself. That is all gone, as I fight with lithium induced suicidal depression and the constant "dry migraine" (where my eyes can't bear to take in any stimuli--so that trees and roses and sunshine, and well, basically all of God's creation, are painful to look at), and life is an uphill struggle to endure, not a joyful gift to celebrate.
10 days ago I was so excited to see the ocean for the first time in years, but there's no way that will happen this year. I am too sick to drive there, and there would be no enjoyment whatsoever in the drug sickened state that I am in. I might as well look at a Britney Spears video as the ocean, for all the enjoyment or spiritual edification that I would derive from it. Then of course, there would be the dilemma of walking. I can barely goosestep, and I start dragging the bad hip after half a mile, as I try to deal with the pain and handicap of deadened leg, hip, and lower back muscles.

Big mistake coming here. But I am pretty sure this will be the last time. If I want to be miserable, drugged, and down with migraine headaches 24/7, I would rather do it in what seems the closest to home.

Cynthia told me that I don't know how to have fun. I think she picked up on the wrong vibe. I know how to have fun (or at least enjoy life). It is just that I am denied the ability to enjoy myself, and the biggest block of all is the chemical speed that is forced into my body, making my life hateful and odious. My mom wants me to go to some movie, but I have no enthusiasm for it, and I do not have the energy to create the positive vibe--just go and sit somewhere else, with my emotions dead, my mind numb, and my legs feeling like dead wood.

Friday, December 26, 2008

Sick nauseated disgusted sorry

Sick nauseated disgusted sorry--all how i feel drugged up druing christmas, why do I keep putting myself in this position i ask myself? I know what my mom is about yet everytime I do it. Going to try to leave early, otherwise my vacation from hell is going to be miserable. I cant stand being in my own body. at least in my house, when I am sick as a dog i can watch my own tv and try to escape. Escape escape escape how do i escape this torture cap, this sick misery God help me.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Poisoned Christmas

Poisoned Christmas--why the fuck do i keep coming back to this place where my own evil mother poisons me? Im so fucked up on psychotropics right now it takes every ounce of will power i have not to start throwing plates against the wall, and cutting on myself so i can bleed this goddamned mother poison out of me. My fault. I should not have come. It is clear my own mother does not know me. Does not love me. Does not wish for my well being. she would rahter see me as a zombie, as an incapacitated fucked up zoned out out of reality dopehead than alive and vital. Learning a lot.
resolving a lot but too goddamned fucked up to write or reason through. Just got to stay mellow, my mom will throw me in a fucking hospital for rest of my life in a ny minute. Just gotta resolve tita--be like uncle butch. your mother doesnt love you. she is a big part of the problem you have with the goddamned soulless spiritless doctors trying to kill you. Nothing stupid. Christmas from hell. Week from hell. Hang in tita, you are all you have to maintain sanity and self

Monday, December 22, 2008

becoming increasingly catatonic

becoming increasingly catatonic as their poison speeds thru my system enabled by the dopamine agonist that i (in my stupidity to think they actually gave a shit about my health) told them about. I am becoming autistic to the point of non function. terrified of going to ca and havning my mom put me in a hospital. terrified of the brain damage these fuckers are goint to do tho me this time with their stuppid ass autism-enhancing drugs. GET IT MOTHERFUCKERS --I AM AUTISTIC--and you are eroding every bypass ability i put in place to function like a regular persxon. deeply deeply terrifed--i know these fuckers would rather destroy me than let me be free contrary to their expectations.

I want to vomit

I want to vomit--Im so sick with whatever fucking drug I am given. Basically (as before) I suffer from all the symptoms of migraine without the head pain. Its what their goddamned psychotropic drugs do to me, has done to me, and im too goddamned sick to do anything. I cant stand any stimuli whatsoever. I get motion sickness just walking (how the fuck am i supposed to get on a plane tomorrow?) I am too sick to even watch tv. couldnt watch any games yesterday. too sick to drive. too sick to do yoga. walking aroundk like i am in a hi fever. cant bear to open my eyes. everything is just reduced. i remember how joyful i was a seek ago because oi could experience reality. now reality too painful to bear. Tried to surf internet but the stimuli has made me sicker. have no fiornal, thamnks to stupdi md who wont give me anything. i wishto god that people could experience the hell i live in for just one minute, so they could understand what hell i suffer. its made worse because i constantly give these stupid the fuckers the answer as to what is wrong with me, and they take it and then give me more goddamned psychotropics. somehow have to pack. need to start right now cuz it probably take all day. Got to say one thing tho. Fuck you opus dei. i know you are interfering in life and dreams guess what motherfuckers never. never. never will i be turned into a soulless spiritless ideologoue of religion like you. ive founght u before in ur inquistionon and i will fightr you till i die. i am not one of you notever, no matter how many psychotropic drugs or manipulated dreams (oh yeh u think i dont know) u put in me. FUCK YOU AND FUCK YOUR GODDAMNED ROMAN CATHOLIC CHURCH which has destroyed a once vital faith of the people. God help me. Just help me pack so i can be on a plane tomorrow.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

so fucking high

so fucking high--can count the times i have been this high in my life on one hand. legs numb, drunk, cant move, think. how the fuck am i upposed to pak tomorrow. how can i walk thru an airport like this. please god bring me down icant stand being this high i cant stand hbeing this high

Yesterday a total loss

Yesterday a total loss--too goddamned drugged up to do anything except lay in bed and sleep. Woke up at 11 this morning--could move legs but so fucked up on whatever the fuck these assholes give me that I cant see straight. This was my big worry that i would be so drugged up that I couldnt enjoy bacation, drive to the beach or even be around people. My original plan--when i was on mirapex and was a human being for the first time in years, despite not being able able to walk and having dead legs (now I have dead legs, cant walk and am so fucked up on whatever shit these assholes give me that I just want to kill or die, but i sure as fuck cant do anything else). My house is a filthy mess and i am too sick to do a thing about it. For the first time in life i am going to have to leave a filthy mess. I am too sick to read any of the books i was going to take. i am too sick to go to church or call up someone to get a ride to the airport. Dont want to deal with people at all. Dot want to deal with anything at all. I want to just go to sleep and wake up and be free of these fuckers and their goddamned poioson forever.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Completely fucked up

Completely fucked up. After a few days on Mirapex when I actually felt like a human being again (at least mentally; physically I still suffered from parkinsonianism), the fuckers pulled my mirapex and left me hanging in the wind with the mania induced by the abrupt withdrawal. It's like when I was a vegetarian, and once or twice a year I would eat a steak and get a buzz--my body is extremely sensitive to even the most innocuous of chemical changes and yet these assholes yank me around from one extreme to another. Now they got me on something that has completely incapacitated me. I am pissed off. I have things to do. I have a trip to get ready for, a house to clean, yoga classes to go to, and I am so sick I cant even walk at all (I want to get down and crawl on all fours tho for right now I sit in my chair and let the caster wheels roll me). As usual with their psychotropic drugs my eyes dont want to open because the stimuli is overwhelming. I keep getting painful nerve spasms in my leg and because my legs are already dead, it just wants to knock me to the floor.I got a scik sick headache, and overall am too fucked up to get out of bed. I knew I was in trouble when I woke up about 4 this morning, and the first thing I wanted to do was self mutilate my arms from mty elbow to the wrist. I wanted to die, and right now I can honestly sayt I would rather be dead than inhabit this body tortured by these fucking pricks who have stolen years of my life from me. Take it fucking assholes, take it all and release me from my misery. I cant do snything anyway. How the fuck am i supposed to pack, walk thru an airport and relate to my famuilly like this? I am a human being, not a goddamned lab rat for you to experiment on. The only time I want to do that shit is when they got me on lithium, so that is my guess of what I am on. I thought I was going to have a seizure this morning--the body was violently vibrating but I begged the body please dont, I cant afford another health issue. Poor Brother Ass it tries to accomodate and assist me, and all it gets in return is the most horrific abuse.

Now the involuntary muscle spasms and jerks, even in sleep have started again. Now I have my torture cap back on as my congested, csf filled bowling ball of a head is killing me. I took one of my last few fironal to try to get enuf motivation to clean house for oncfe in my life i dont care if il leave a filthy house. im too sick to care. but i have to pack. so goddamned sick

Sunday, December 14, 2008


Wow--look Mom, no drugs... I woke up feeling better than I have in a long time. Now it is just the implants in me, making me feel bad. If I am correct and I have excess creatinine in me, then no wonder I feel so lousy all the time. There is just too many toxins in my body.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Really angry

Really angry as the games and doping continue. I am in terrible pain right now with a severely pulled upper quad muscle. I pulled it when I went to walk normally and my dead, stiff, Parkinsonian leg just did not accomodate. The quad pull is so severe that I wonder if it is ever going to properly heal or if it will be forever gimpy and vulnerable to strain--just another in a long list of permanent damage these medical hacks have done to my body.
I am angry too, because I struggle to read and understand what is going on with my body, and they keep doping me up to the point that I can't see straight. For some reason, tonight I am getting an extra dose--probably so I won't wake up in time to go to church tomorrow, for these moral cretins have not my physical well-being, my emotional well-being, or spiritual well-being on their agenda. I saw another one of their operatives pulling a mind reading trick on me. I hope he got what I sent back--"Prick"--I despise these people and I despise the torture that they have put me through, and I despise all of their secret lies that cloak their immorality, not only in regard to me--though God knows I have received a near fatal dose--but all Americans. But it is okay. Now that I am not deathly sick with serontonin poisoning or parkinsonian levels of dopamine deprivation (boy, now I really do understand that British man who committed doctor-assisted suicide in the Netherlands), I can detach a little bit. The psychic operative reminded me of an age-demented old man in Colorado. I would ride my bike out in the country and everytime I passed his isolated ranch house, he would gleefully drop his pants and start spraying his pee all around like a little boy with a toy gun. I could have avoided that house on my daily ride, but I said to myself, "what the heck, it makes the senile old man's day", and I got a chuckle when I saw how tickled that old man became every time he got to "drop, display, and spray." That is the kind of psychological, emotional, and spiritual immaturity I have to endure at the hands of my tormentors. The only problem is they don't spray their excrement to the wind. They spray it directly on me. But I have been pissed and shit on by them for so many times and for so long, that I am callused now. I have no civil rights left, no bodily boundaries respected, no freedom to pursue liberty or happiness, but I have got an inner human dignity and spirit (which they can't recognize since they don't share it) that they just can't crush. I just got to go deep inside and endure the beating. Fortunately God placed me in a training school for dealing with abuse as a youngster, and made me strong. It is that strength which kept me from having a breakdown while suffering with all their poisonous chemicals and it is that strength on which I rely.
I may never be free to be myself again in this world. But at least I know myself. And right now I am in severe pain, and I need to knock myself out. It is going to be a long, painful night.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Strange things going on in my body

Strange things going on in my body--suffering severe abdominal pain coupled with sciatica on my left side--I think Ive got an enlarged spleen or pancreas caused by inability to digest fat (Ive been eating some Anasazi beans I flavored with smoked pork). The thing is, that while the inability to digest fat is a long standing issue Ive dealt with (I was told a long time by a naturopathic doctor ago to take digestive enzymes with lipase), the thyroid medication cleared that all up. I don't think TPTB have pulled my thyroid meds, because I would miserable with digestive stoppage if they did, so all I can guess is that there are weird things going on hormonally with me that's causing enzymatic changes. My poor body just yanked one way and then another... I'm pretty sure I know what is going on with me, but there is so much more that I need to understand that I guess I will have to study some more, even though really, I wish I could just listen to a lecture on this stuff instead of having to read it. But as usual, whenever I feel halfway human (and I got to say I feel halfway human again), I'm like a squirrel furiously storing nuts before the winter hits. I know it won't be long before they slap some other drug into me, so I have to take advantage of the "warm weather" and take care of household details before I get too sick to accomplish anything.
In the meantime, I am thinking of how best to present my case to the doctor for some kind of dopamine agonist. Why not just make a case for RLS? (Because I am not a liar). But I really think I have it--I just didn't recognize it, but I know when I am being drugged because the first place I feel it is in my legs. I want to get up and run but know that my legs won't do it (I have to say--I did 50 minutes of cardio today, and while I am getting some strength and stamina back, I still cannot feel my legs--but it has been so long since I felt them...., and my joints are still stiff and arthritic. Even more clear than RLS though, I suffer undoubtedly from peripheral limb movement disorder. That is part of the reason I am writing this, drinking vodka on top of Tylenol PM to knock myself out, is because my muscles and limbs keep twitching and spasming, in every part of my body, shoulders, legs, feet, even my solar plexus. Nothing new. Has been going on for over three years now, ever since these doctors of evil decided to damage my brain and give me Parkinson's to satisfy their own lazy incompetence at diagnosis (how come I can figure out what is wrong with me after a few hours of reading an anatomy textbook and listening to my own body and symptoms, and they make hundreds of dollar an hour, with all that training and licensure, and knowledge of what is really going on with me, and yet they can't come up with anything close to a solution? No creativity. No ability to think and problem solve. Wrong priorities--all tilted in favor of the pharmacological companies who are destroying our brains and bodies with chemicals). I'm thinking of writing an essay on what is wrong with medical recruitment and training in this country, and forwarding it on to somebody as part of my response to Obam's invitation for ordinary folk's ideas on how to improve medical care in this country.

Then on top of that, there are the brain rushes. I thought the serontonin was causing those rushes, but obviously that is not the case. For I am a lot clearer than I was, though not completely--I can always tell by how bad my eyes our, and after an hour of laying in bed trying to sleep while muscles twitched and brain rushed in waves, my right eye is really bad telling me my head is congested again, and yet the brain rushes continue jerking me awake everytime I start to fall asleep. I tell myself to hold on--that I am seeing the doctor in one week and I hope to get something that helps. In the meantime I ask myself, "am I ever going to feel my legs again?"

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Out of control weight gain

Out of control weight gain-I am gaining a pound a day and am currently 204 pounds. Even worse is the fluid edema and headache caused by the csf in my skull. My face, arms, and hands are all shiny amd swollen with fluid--I don't even recognize my puffy face. Worse of all is my legs and ankles. Imagine my horror when I sat on the gym toilet and noticed a "pregnancy stretch mark" running down the back and side of each of my calves. It looked like the pencilled on "panty lines" that the girls of the 40's used to have to draw. Terribly depressing as I know that soon my legs will be like my ankles and wrists, full of lax folds and age lines from where the swollen joints have stretched out and receded so many times that my skin looks like that of a viajacita.
Then, there is the goddamn depression. I had the best of intentions today to get up and accomplish things but I am so lethargic and depressed that it is impossible to do anything. I watched a silent Rachel Maddow on the muted gym TV monitors and was amazed--she actually could show emotion! She had emotion! It seems like so long since I have been able feel, much less show emotion, that it depresses me to the point of despair. Of course it doesn't help that I am in such muscular pain. I know now that I truly have fibromyalgia, and yeah, its a real diagnosis. I can't help but wonder if I am being force-fed some kind of SSRI because my head is "rushing" again like it did when I took Imitrex--a sure sign that there is too much serotonin in my brain--and that is what is causing the damn depression and weight gain. But then again, maybe the hormonal imbalance is just causing the serontonin to back up, like it did with the lithium, causing serontonin inoxication, though not as severe as when I was nearly catatonic.

Only good news is that I think I figured out what is wrong with me, and where the hormonal imbalance is--I need a dopamine agonist--Mirapex is my best guess, to treat my fibromyalgia, and make all the stupid ass idiots who say I am bipolar happy, not a SSRI. I hate to end on this, because not having any medical credentials, I hate to make a claim without backing it up, but I am too sick to get into it any further. I am going to try to go to bed when I am in such pain I dont know how to sleep. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Monday, December 8, 2008

Gray cold day

Gray cold day after a night of three hours sleep with 3 Tylenol Pm and 3 shots of vodka in my system. Just unable to sleep with the pain caused by all the goddamned speed in my system. Woke up witha a migraine headache, nauseated, and high from the speed. But last night I woke up resolved that I have to do something to fight against the pervasive evil destroying me. I was motivated by the most unlikely of sources--Larry Sinclair, a man who I originally thought was a pestilent, attention-seeking gadfly with no moral substance whatsoever, but who I now realize was telling the complete truth with all the sincerity and tenacity of a Biblical prophet. I still have doubts about his character (it's a lowlife man who wants to reveal to the world who he's casually slept with--even if a great song comes of it, such as Leonard Cohen wrote regarding his sexcapades with Janis Joplin), but I can't help but regard Sinclair's continuing crusade in spite of overwhelming hardship and tribulation with grudging admiration. After all, like me, powerful political forces have falsely imprisoned him, they also have doctored his lie detector tests (in much the same way that that poor woman who had a "B" carved into her face was railroaded into jail, even though she was the innocent victim--after all, they can't have the masses really know what kind of violence, thuggery, and division that "the B" can inspire--it's all "orchestrated light"--the "light" of Lucifer. Sinclair is despised by the majority of the sheeple who no doubt, hate him for his homosexuality, and especially for the truth that he tries to proclaim regarding the polished platform of the most accomplished, airbrushed liar ever to reach the highest of political office.
But most inspiring of all, Larry Sinclair carries on his crusade when he is seriously ill with a brain tumor. After reading through his blog, I realized how much he is physically suffering, yet he perseveres because he thinks that he is fighting evil (and though I can't make the leap that he does, connecting his limo lover to the murder of Donald Young--though there may indeed be a possibility of connection, but if so, my money would bet on the handlers behind the scene), and I respect the tenacity with which he pursues his quest for truth and justice.
Likewise, I have to forget about my physical suffering and focus what I believe to be the truth, and fight for what is just. At this point, my future, at least for the next four years, and maybe forever, looks unbelievably grim. I never wanted to embrace the vocation of a "Jeremiah", but the role of suffering pariah and outcast seems like the only one left to me, because I will never serve the tools and agents of evil. The hard part is to persevere when I physically feel so sick and drugged all the time. If a man of the moral caliber and fiber of Larry Sinclair can do it, then surely I have no excuse not to try.

Later, in the shower, I reflected on the dream I had last night. I dreamed that I was wearing a mask of a character named "Joanne," and though I knew that I really wasn't "Joanne" people thought I was until I took off the mask. In the shower, I connected the name "Joanne" with the prophet John the Baptizer (Joanne is the feminine form of John). And I thought of John and his uncompromising attacks on Herod and his corruption and immorality. I have to emphasize that attacking Herod and his corruption and immorality is not my vocation, not because I fear for my life (ha! what life?), but just because I have bigger fish to fry. I have to go to the source of the corruption and immorality. I believe that humanity is on the cusp of the greatest demonic attack ever--my vocation as I see it is identifying and confronting evil on a spiritual plane, not a political one (which doesn't mean that evil doesn't have a political front--it does, and it is currently ascendant). I suppose, that like my Lord and Master before me, I will end up crucified, but the truth is, I already am. My life was stolen from me over 10 years ago when the SLI, in their stupidity and polically ambitious cupidity sold me out to the forces of evil. The nails are the psychotropic chemicals and emg brain implants that separate me from soul and spirit and sexual expression, from everything that I enjoy and delight in, from exercise to reading to prayer to simple contemplation to delight in sexual and intimate relationships. . My challenge and vocation right now, as I dimly ("through a glass, darkly") see it, is to somehow strive to find out how I can live a truly human, spiritual, contemplative (all coeval synonyms) when the chemicals and implants alienate me from my deepest ground of being. The solution is not self-evident. Clearly, the institutional churhes (and on the world wide stage, the different religions) are a big part of the problem, all coopted by the evil that their greatest founders and mystics railed against. So, it is up to me, alone, and with what help I can get from a few brave, knowledgeable individuals (and yes they are there and I know who they are) to figure it out...

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Fears that I will never know joy again

Fears that I will never know joy again--it has been so long since I have been allowed to experience joy and happiness, any emotion really. Everything is dulled and deadened by the drugs and implants that quite purposefully sever me from my soul and spirit (without which true joy and deep emotions cannot be experienced). What a sorry substitute power is! And yet so many have willingly sold their soul for it. Not me. Not now. Not ever. Yet I cannot help but wonder if the neurons and synapses and recepor sites of my brain are forever fried and deadened by the chemicals and unnatural emg induced brain waves. Very depressed to think about it, but I have been depressed for so long....
My head is "rushing" all the time. I dont know if it is the drugs or the excess csf. My head just feels like it is floating, and it is difficult to see, as the right eye keeps losing focus (the left eye is fine). My legs and hands are as deadened and dulled as my brain and emotions. I find it difficult to walk. My only satisfaction is my inner resolve to suffer unto death before selling out to the powers of evil, and I know who you are now. Unfortunately for me, you are the ones running things. I have to hang on. It is hard when the brain is not working rightr.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Excruciating pain today

Excruciating pain today as TPTB turned on the EMG brain implants in my head to "max", so that I could suffer debilitatingly wracking muscle spasms and pain for their amusement and my punishment. I realize now that what is happening to me is not random, but methodical, deliberate, and instructive. They plan to do to every human being what they do to me. Of course, they have an added incentive--to prevent me from self-instruction in anatomy and physiology (from a textbook I found in the street--a really excellent, comprehensive text for 200 series biology courses). I am desperate to stop the excess csf in my brain, which causes the chronic headache and nausea, and all the excessive edemic fluid in my body, not to mention the despair of my continuing weight gain. I am desperate because I cannot exercise with all the speed and emg interference with my natural body. I can barely hobble as my weak, deadened, numbed muscles find it difficult to even function.
Then there is the problem of concentration. Unlike my pre-lithium days, I have to struggle and fight to keep concepts and ideas and facts in my head. My IQ has been effectively halved by the brain implants, and that is a conservative estimate. Of course, that is assuming that I am able to read at all. Sooner or later the muscle spasms are so severe that the pain prevents my brain from being able to function at all.
The only good news is that I am starting to see the bigger picture, and may the mercy of God sustain me and protect me from all the evil that the SLI has sold me out to...

Friday, December 5, 2008

Fighting massive headaches all day

Fighting massive headaches all day as I try to deal with all this excess csf. My entire body is bloated with fluid--I have the ankles of an ancient peasant woman. My legs, my arms, my wrist and hands are bloated. My belly is so bloated that I realized the other day I am getting stretch marks. According to the scale Ive gained two pounds, but hopefully most of it is fluid. But the fluid weight doesnt help when it all goes to the head causing excruciating pressure and headaches. I force myself to work out (so desperate about the weight gain) but gone are the days of joy and endorphin rush. Now all exercise is difficult, demanding, and so damned hard as my muscles are all contracted and fatigued that sometimes I can barely walk or lift my arms. But to be honest, its been a long time since I felt joyful, or even happy, about anything. Just going thru the motions, dont really care. If this misery is life, I no longer wish to be here. Now I gotta try to go to sleep, and struggle with the pain to sleep, just to wake up to another hell day.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Woke up feeling like hell

Woke up feeling like hell and in total dismay over what the opus dei and secular satanists have done to my body. Everything hurts. Every muscle is locked in my abdomen, back, ribs shoulders and neck, My whole left side is weak to the ppoint of near paralysis, caused no dobut by the same implants which cause the edema. I have difficulty seeing as my right eye keeps going out of focus caused by the pressure on the optic nerve caused by all the csf in my brain, caused by their poison. Can hardly walk. or hold my head up. That is just the beginning. When I think of how my body was once, I weep. But for all the damned torture, I wake up resolved never to give in to either catholic fascists or satanic fascists. I am a human being with rights, something and someone that these two categories of subhuman evil know nothing about. I may live and die in misery proclaiming that, but it is better to suffer at their hands than to ever be one of their sick evil perverted cabal.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

There's barely functional and no functional

There's barely functional and no functional--I am non-functional after two days of psychotropics. Cant get out of bed, severe headaches. Yesterday tried ot go to yoga and I literally could not will body to move, to lift to do simple poses. Now my arms and legs are numb--no feeling, and brain seems disconnected from body. Worse of all--gaining weight again. too sick to care.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Very sick with drugs

Very sick with drugs--dont even know if they are spsychotropic. I think they are designed just to make me sick. TPTB are desperate, but so am I --with a head that floats, nausea, muscle spasms and entire body tics, even in the middle of the nite, and inflammation, causing pain. Too autistic to keep eyes open. So depressed at my predicament, but determined to die a human rahter than live as one of their goddamned celibate fundamentalist perverts or satanic sellouts. Hard to be human, God. Go to bed try to feel better.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Completely unfuctional

Completely unfuctional--hurt so fucking bad. My head just floats. when it doesnt have a headache. Im so messed up on drugs Im not in reality. Everthing hurts. Too sick to care.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Brain rushes as I zombie about

Brain rushes as I zombie about..Supposed to be Thanksgiving but for me, life is just a hellish existence of physical pain, emotional numbness, and a zombie like (sure dont feel good), stumbling high. Too druggd to do anythin. I look at my instruments--cant remember the last time I was human enough to play them.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

No access to soul with the kind of headache

No access to soul with the kind of headache the psychotropic poison is putting in me--what is it this time--lithium with a twist???? The cynical hateful part of me is so used to the goddamned torture that by now part of me just laughs. But most of me is suffering IMMENSELY. The pressure of csf in my brain is causing me to go out of myt mind with pain. Wont be long until i am compoletely incapacitated. Too sick to do even small, minor, routine things. And all because my mind "moves too fast." No, I see thru that lie quite clearly. It is Opus Dei and their atheist secular counterparts pulling control moves. Which equals SUFFERING. Go to bed hating life. Wake up hating life. Unable to concentrate or care about anything.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008


Recovering from a severe migraine caused by the psychotropic poison I was force fed. It just got worse and worse until I finally a Phenergan suppository made life bearable--if you can call what I live a bearable life. I wake up every morning drugged and high, and I go to sleep every night drugged and high. I have the body of a 70 year old woman, finding it difficult to walk, lift my arms, and get up and get motivated to do anything. God, I had no idea that my life was going to end in such constant, sheer, lonely misery. I can keep going back to where I went wrong (getting involved with the great mind and spirit rapists of the SLI and by extension their cronies and patrons), but it doesn't change anything. I am utterly bereft of any hope. I cannot see that I will ever being a free woman ever again. But I have to keep pushing on--suicide is not an option for me, though all I do is pray for death.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Severely depressed

Severely depressed after a couple of days of being massively drugged on psychotropics (risperdol again, I think). Now it is just the speed and maybe something else--my head is floating once again with excess cerebral spinal fluid. I am having a hard time moving as I am too sick and listless with speed to have any energy. But most of all is the crushing despair and hopelessness that I am never going to be a free person again--free to love, free to laugh to exercise, to read, to pray--in short all the things that make MY life worth living. I have been "tagged" and "claimed" by Opus Dei, secular puppet masters and intelligence agencies, and I cannot escape. I will do what I am told to do when they decide to tell me to do it, and if I do not comply, or when I am no longer useful to their purposes, I will be killed, or thrust in the 21st century American gulag--the psychiatric hospital (the damned Communists were good for a trick or two, weren't they?). In the meantime, I am a slave whose life is hell, and it is getting harder and harder to keep going. I no longer have access to my spiritual life to try to get me through their day. Their satanic, evil implants have made sure of that. I try to keep going, but everything is so hard. My house is a mess, and it is so damned hard to do anything about it. I have no strength, no energy, no desire to persevere. Once again, I plead God, please, for death. I dont want to be here, and I have no desire to play any future role in this world whatsoever. Maybe it is the poison from the Risperdol detoxing that is talking. I don't feel good at all. Got to keep trying.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

How long is this hell going to continue?

How long is this hell going to continue? Miserable and severely depressed during the day, at night, when the force feeding begins is the worst. Fucking goddamned headaches, inability to read or even see (what the fuck are these assholes doing to my eyes?), severely autistic to the point that I cant watch TV or surf the Internet because I cant stand to see faces. And the goddamned excess cerebral spinal fluid in my brain that drives me crazy with pain and pressure.
Did yoga today, but yoga is no longer fun, or energizing. Instead, I fight to get through the hour and half, with deadened body and brain. Still it was better than what I am enduring now when I want to hit the goddamned motherfuckers who are responsible for doing this to me. Maybe I will settle on the stupid ass gray haired Christian who is stalking me in gym class. Maybe I will tell him what I really think--so tongue in cheek of course. After Prop 8 failure, I feel the desire to become more radical, angrily radical. Angry because fucked up on psychotropic drugs against my will, I am in constant pain, I cannot live my life the way I want. FUCK YOU do you like that for "results" from your goddamned poison. Too sick to care. Dumbass motherfuckers have added speed to their poison. In their insufferable stupidity, they think that makes their poison turn me into their good little girl Catholic who does what she is told, and stays celibate so her queer ass don't offend the faithful...well guess what, faithful...get offended. I'm here, I'm queer, get used to it. As long as I have your sick perverted evil asses destroying my life and mocking my free will, I aint got shit to say to you except leave me the fuck alone. I Got to go to bed, and hope that I dont wake up at 3 am, so sick that I cant bear it, and take another Fiornal to deal with the goddamned pain and nausea.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Severe migraines and autism afflicting me

11/12/08—Severe migraines and autism afflicting me—the result of whatever drug I am being force fed now. I am pissed as hell too because it is causing me to gain major weight. I am now 205 pounds. When I weighed myself on Saturday I was 199 pounds, which is despicable enough, and all caused by the same despicable perverts who drug me now and have drugged me for the last three years. They have no remorse or concern. I am their thing, their slave, and as long as I assert my free will and choice, they will hammer me with pain, agony and suffering until I acqueiscese to their demands of conformity. NEVER NEVER NEVER YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES. KEEP YOUR GODDAMN FASCIST CHRISTIAN LIVES AND EXPECTATIONS FAR FROM ME!

That being said, I am in a world of hurt. I have a sick migraine right now, and I already took a second fiornal about three in the morning. It is the third day in a row that I have had to take a second fiornal. So far, it works, dulling the edge of the pain and nausea, but I am afraid to become addicted or desensitized to it, so mostly I suffer. I understand too, now, why I have been so sick that I cant even watch TV. When I am severely autistic, I cant stand any stimuli at all. Seeing the images on TV makes me sicker and overwhelms me. Last night after some fucking Christian perverted Nazi sprayed me again with the drug, I was so sick that I had to keep talking to myself to force my eyes open—I literally did not want to take the stimuli in from the road. Too overwhelming. Now I am keeping my eyes shut because I cannot stand to see letters form on a page. I especially cannot stand to see any faces showing emotion on a web page as I open a browser. My autistic brain absolutely cannot handle the sight of a face with emotions. I also am suffering from severe depression, but how much of that is caused by just being constantly sick wand in pain with migraines, I don’t know. I recognize tho, the depression is all drug related, so I wont act onit. Just got to suffer it.
I thank God I am unemployed. There is no way I could work as fucked up as I am right now. The only thing that I have to do is survive this latest onslaught from hell, and agonize over how many extra pounds my fucking torturers are going to permanently add to my body weight this time. Torture me asshoiles. Go ahead. I want you to know how much I hate you, despise you, and will never ever have anything to do with you. Stay the fuck away from me, you fake, sex hating Christians. Go indulge your perverted sense of religion somewhere else.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Mantra in my head

Mantra in my head--"Lord Jesus please free me from this hell."  I don't know what psychotropic drug I am on tho I suspect lithium because my vision is all shot to head, my brain is congested with csf, and my memory is steadily disappearing.  Unlike Wm Ayers whose book I am trying to force myself to read, I dont think "Memory is a motherfucker."  I think it is a faculty of the soul, and as always these psychotropic drugs steal my soul.  I dreamed I saw myself in the mirror and I laughed because I knew it wasnt me.  It has been a long time since I felt like me.,, 


Depressed...after suffering excruciating pain yesterday and last nite that left me in agony, I woke up so severely depressed that I could barely get out of bed.  Not much use anyway, as whatever hateful chemical was in my brain caused me to go back to bed and sleep until about 2 pm.  Since then it has all been speed--my head is so heavy right now with excess csf that I can barely lift it.  Headaches and pressure.  I am just tired of suffering.  I take steps to try to escape but the thought of joy and free will--all characteristics of my life before I became involved with SLI and Opus Dei--seem impossibly out of reach right now.  I dreamed that SLI is still involved in the mix of the suffering and psychotropic drugs that continue to be forced on me.  I am too tired and sick to even curse and yell at them to get out of my life.  Just inner resolve to never have anything to do with them.  Trying really hard to take positive steps to living out life, but so hard when all these gd drugs are in me, making it impossible to think, to feel, to concentrate...

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Woke up cursing life and cursing God

Woke up cursing life and cursing God for giving me this miserable, hateful, pain-filled, suffering life, after going to sleep praying to God for death.    But maybe God doesn't listen to prayers of people whose souls are completely separated from individuals whose brains, psyches, and spirits are fried and severed by pshychotropic drugs.  Certainly, I have no connection whatsoever with God or spiritual life.  I am a lab animal,experimented on, without any regard for, or exercise of my free will or choice , a slug, a slave, a thing.  In my mind, when I try to find the strength to keep living, I picture people who have endured and survived torture and slavery, people like John McCain or Solzynitsen, or most recently, the thought of all the millions of women and girls who are slave trafficked into prostitution, an institution fed by our sick, pornographic cultures (and don't blame the West you moralistic assholes--this is a product of patriarchal culture, not Western culture--same principle is shared--women are "owned.").  I live to survive, hoping to one day regain my humanity.  And if I don't, when I die, I hope to present to God the evidence that, at least, in my hidden soul, I retained my humanity, even if I was denied the right and ability to experience and live it.  Being human is to be engaged in the exercise of vital powers.  For someone like myself forced into a drug hazed suffering of alienation from life energy and reality, barely able to function, like someone with severe case of the flu, when normally I am energetic, productive, and completely in touch with reality, it can only be described as hell on earth, especially when I suffer constantly with physical pain caused by their GODDAMNED SATANIC drugs.  But it was my stupidity and my once naive trust in the Spiritutal Life Institute/priests of the Roman Catholic Church,  which has resulted in this-- my being sold out to the agents of Satan.  I keep asking God for another chance at life, and this time I won't sell out to satanic forces whp blasphemously carry Christ's name, but so far it hasn't come, and I have to accept that it may never come. 

So,  I have to carry on, no matter how hard.  It is turning winter, and I need to do a thorough house cleaning which for me in this condition, is almost impossibly difficult.    I have to somehow get the energy to read and follow directions to transfer this blog over, and I HAVE to start writing, however difficult, on  a deeper level.  I can't leave the formation of culture to lies, profit oriented immaturity,  and moral degenerates, which is so much  influencing our pop culture.  Most especially, I have been jolted by this article:, an essay that intuitively I know is true.  It addresses much of the disconnects, disconcert, and unease that I experienced while reading Obama's autobiography (I believe that there is another powerful reason for the obvious disconnect and glaring omissions from his life, but that one I won't share, out of respect for his personal life decisions and choices--a politician has to keep his skeletons in the closet).  However, what I now realize is that a book that really does not draw from, or is in touch with "soul" (and from a Black man!)  or deep human truth and self-realization, and that it was ghost written by a true moral degenerate of the lowest order (and I don't say that lightly, but I know what it means, when my skin crawls every time that I see Wm. Ayers on tv, even without audio--he is a supremely self-assured and privileged sociopath).

I suppose that my realization leads me wide open to the charge of racism which seems to be the Obama's camp favorite weapon of choice against people who recognize and speak out about his limitations (of course he's too "politically correct to say it himself--he relies on the hoodwinked, sold out, Obama-for-ratings-and-profit media, and his surrogates).  Bullshit.  I remember myself as a young schoolgirl, sitting back in class (I always read books in the back of class, utterly bored by what went on in the classroom), hiding the tears on my face with my hands as I read Black like Me, and Maya Angelou's biography of growing up in the racist south.  I remember staying up all night long as a college student (back in the day when a book could make me stay up all night long), completely enthralled by the remarkable autobiography and example  of Malcolm X.  To this day, I have greater admiration for Malcolm X than I do for MLK Jr, even though I think MLK Jr. was the greater man and "saint."  But while MLK Jr. pulled himself up from the pit of racism to reach the pinnacle of great manhood and universal leadership and inspiration, Malcolm X pulled himself up from the pit of hell to become a deeply moral and spiritual man and leader, who was on the cusp of another religious conversion and, most likely, a greatness on the order of MLK Jr., when he was murdered by the Nation of Islam (which now proclaims Obama as the "Messiah").  There is nothing more dangerous to people whose self-identity and self-esteem rests on hatred, than the thought of someone who loves--especially the love of the "enemy."

Among many others, I've even read, and been impressed with the autobiographies of Eldridge Cleaver and (not so much) Hurricane Rubin Carter.  I didn't agree with these men or the life choices or ideological conclusions that they made, but my God, did I respect their self-reflective honesty and pain.  Both of them were "man enough" to spill their guts, their "soul", out on the page, and myself, and all of humanity is the richer for it.  So no, racism does not blind me to the presence of soul on a page, but neither does misdirected, liberal white guilt or media imaged narcissism.

Personally, I have to confess that right now, I am stymied in my understanding of the implications of this realization.  How do I feel about voting for a man whose political agenda I overwhelmingly support, but whose whole career has been launched and abetted from a platform of manipulation, lies, and deception, that begins with this autobiography?  I don't know.  I guess, as I often have in the last few months, go back to square one again.  However, I am absolutely convinced that I HAVE to stand for the truth.  In a time and age when the writers of America seem to aspire to a selective, convenient, and of course, profitable truth (from all sides of the ideological spectrum), I have to make some kind of honest contribution.  I, or my words may be incomplete or harmful, but my God, I can't sit out on the sidelines while people like William Ayers set the agenda, to the point of launching the next likely President of the US based on deception and manipulation of deeply emotional wounds and scars. 

I am so happy with my vocation--that of an honest, powerless person.  I may be miserable in my life circumstances and slave condition, but deep in my heart I know, that with very miniscule exceptions, I have always been honest with myself, God, and others, and I thank you God, for allowing me the strength to choose that gift, because when I die, I want to present myself to you just as I have presented myself to others.  But right now, as miserable as I am, I am alive, and I have to do something but right now I am too sick to continue.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

In constant, miserable pain

In constant, miserable pain as the speed spasms the muscles in my back and abdomen, neck and shoulders, totally crippling my left thigh with nerve, as I try to drag it, and my equally dead right leg along.   I constantly wonder whether this force-fed speed is just an attempt at mind control.  If so, it won't work, because I won't concede my humanity.  I go through days and moments when I am "broken", but then comes the memory of my essential humanity which I wonb't sell out, no matter how miserable the pain and suffering. 

They can break down my brain though.  I desperately want to write what is going on with me, but the mind cannot focus.  It cannot read.  I tried to read a little of St Augustine's Confessions today, and the effort literally made me sick (makes me wonder what the mindfuckers are so afraid of...--I know that some sadistic security agent somewhere has his finger on the brain implants that make me sick, releasing the chemicals whenever I would attempt to touch base with Truth or Beauty).  I may not be able to get in touch with the truth, but I a sure can smell the lies and the liars from far away, and am getting increasingly disgusted at the lies being fed to the American public.  But I don't want to focus on outing lies and liars.  I just want to focus on the truth, but the truth for me right now is constant pain and torture.  Beats being a candidate as a sellout traitor to the human race, just to satisfy personal ambition or comfort.

Then there is the problem with memory loss--I saw my supe from a year ago today, and I was utterly stumped.  I absolutely could not remember his name!  I read articles, and later in the day can not recall what I read.  But I have to try to cling to my humanity even  though the mindfuckers would take it away from me.  Hang on Tita.

Monday, October 13, 2008

The torture of psychotropics is over and now

The torture of psychotropics is over and now I just suffer the speed which makes it difficult to even lift my legs to walk.  All my joints are stiff and arthritic and I find it difficult to see.  Even worse I cant pray.  It was such a lovely evening that I went to the park to pray, but my head and heart cant connect with my alienated drugged up spirit.  It hurt to walk home.  Think I m going to go lay down somewhere .

Sunday, October 12, 2008

I am a walking zombie

I am a walking zombie today--every muscle in my body is rigid and locked and I walk and move like the Munster patriarch.  That is not the wrost of it though.  I feel like I am in the hospital while tons of drugs go pouring thru me.  So sick that even getting up to walk to the bathroom is a major feat of accomplishment.  It hurts to open my eyes--I cannot take in the stimuli.  Yesterday, pretty much when this all started, was a completely wasted day, as I could not take in any visual stimuli at all, but could only lay on the floor with a sheet wrapped around my head while I prayed to God to be released from this horrible suffering.  Whatever drugs I am on make me severely autistic.  I had went to yoga (big mistake--could barely move, and then I had to drive home when I could not even open my eyes to take in the stimuli), and before leaving the gym I used the toilet.  While staring at the advertisement boards facing me, I realized how seriously messed up I was.  I could not read the photographic faces staring at me.  I had no sense of emotional subtlety or nuance whatsoever.  Even now I am so goddamned drugged that I cannot explain it, even though I know what I want to say, but my ability to use language and organize thought is completely gone.   Suffice it to say that the faces all looked like they were threatening me, when I know (from having seen the pictures many times before that they were not). 

Somehow I managed to get home, by staring at the space in front of me while I tried to keep the anziety from overwhelming me.  As soon as I got home I drank some stiff shots of gin.  Why?  Because I learned when I lived in Rio Rancho, that the only thing that takes off the edge of autistic anziety and stimuli overload is some really stiff alcohol.  I would go to sit down to watch TV with my roommate and the time, and I didn't tell her, but the words were absolute gibberish and I had to close my eyes against the images.  But I noticed after three or four stiff shots of whiskey that the words made enough sense to follow the program even tho I could not understand the emotions.  Well, the alcohol worked -- for about three hours and once it wore off, I could not bear to open my eyes or watch TV.  I tried watching football (very familiar) and could not stand to see the movement. All the faces in all the other programs looked like caricatures of evil, and all the people seemed to want to leap out of the tv and attack me. 

Thus, these motherfuckers with their poison have forcibly made me mentally ill and autistic to the point that I cannot function in reality.  Why?  Because they knew that today I was going to go the church again (and guess what assholes---not your church--never), and the one thing they cannot bear is that I am happy, free, and prove myself to be quite functional.  No, they want me totally handicapped and sick and unable to function while they shove their poison down me, insisting that the only future I have is in conformity with their plans for me.  FUCK YOU!  GET IT ASSHOLES!  NEVER.  As for me, all I can do is lurch about like the zombie I am today.  More of my life wasted in the utmost suffering, pain and misery.  Heckuva job--Im sure you r proud of yourselves, tools of satan.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Woke up drugged

Woke up drugged after a miserable day of being drugged to the point of being barely functional.  Whatever the poison is this time, it is hard to keep my eyes open, and makes it difficult to read and comprehend what I read.  It also does the familiar autistic move of making images from the tv cause motion sickness--in short all this shit makes me autistic.  Anyway I dreamed that I was being abused with cleat marks all over my body.  Ive been trying to force myself to accept being more sociable, but it is so hard when I am so goddamned abused with these weird drugs in my body making it impossible for me to even function.  Typical abuser/abusee relationship--they blame me for the dysfunction their abuse cause!  Kind of like the pedophile that blames the kid for being "seductive", they blame me for being dysfunctional socially when it is their repeated abuse--throwing me in jail for falling in love (fuck you assholes, I will love who I love and guess what, you aint included), preventing me from getting and holding a job and interfering with even casual relationships when I do, and making me so goddamned sick all the time with their poisonous Soviet-style psychotropic drugs  that it is a monumental effort to relate to other people.  But as sick as I am I tell myself that I have to force myself to move forward or else I am going to be at the mercy of these parasitical predators and their goddamned poison for the rest of my life.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Soon I wont have an outlet

Soon I wont have an outlet--nowhere to write about the nausea, the dead legs, the anger, and the misery of these psychotropic drugs.  Muscle spasms so bad that it hurts to lift my arms.  I don't know how i endure this, God.  I am so sick of the suffering.  It seems now a lifetime that I have suffered the pain and hell of these goddamned psychotropic drugs and intreference in my life.  Too sick to care any more.  too sick to care.  Get out of my life fuckers. Get out.  

Friday, October 3, 2008

Functional drugged

Functional drugged--it's the same old speed that makes it impossible for me to concentrate and focus, gives me headaches and muscle spasms, and just feel tired and yucky.  I slept most of the day, but I still feel lousy.  I am drinking alka selzer trying to get rid of the nausea that has bothered me all day.  I am just so tired of being drugged.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008


Crazy--being yanked from one psychotropic drug to another.  Tired of even writing about it.  Anoterh day when im nonfuctional.  Hurts to type, because my back muscles are so spasmed that it hurts to lift a finger.  Hurts to breathe.  Havent done yoga in a week and I think im too sick to go today.  I walk around as if i am in a high fever, unalbe to think or convrse clearly.  just want to sleep but have to pay some bills and rent today.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Autistic today, while realizing

Autistic today, while realizing how deep my chemical depression is.  I am writing this to notepad because the spy network I am on is denying me the ability to post to my blog.  Normally when this happens (and it happens more often than you would think—considering the resources available to my persecutors), I just shrug and say, “manana.”  But by tomorrow, I may be completely nonfunctional, so I had better write tonite. 

First off, I dreamed of two men in suits last nite—I realized that this dream was confirmation of PTB attempting to manipulate my dreamscape.  It’s okay.  Used to it by now. 

<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /> 

I had woke up feeling a little better off physically, a fact I attributed to thyroid meds.  However, I struggled for mental clarity, and it has just gotten progressively worse.  I could actually read a little bit this morning, tho my comprehension was way off;now I wouldn’t even try. 

Severely autistic—to the point that I had to turn off the tv—couldn’t bear to watch the ball being thrown in the air and receivers running—gave me motion sickness.  I went for a bike ride and tho my legs were dead, I could bike.  Imagine my surprise as I came down with weird motion sickness riding my bike down my neighborhood alleyways.  Now I am crossing over from that sensation of moving images causing motion sickness to stimul overload (actually it has been going on all day—at one point I could see every whisker on  a quarterback’s face, and while biking I could see the brand logo of every car parked on a street).  Maybe it is the overstimulation by detail that causes the non function psychic shutdown.  Right now I cant keep my eyes open—just don’t want to see anything more. 


Then there is the depression.  As I talked to my mother today I realized how depressed I was.  I talked to her about <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />Disneyland.  Ive been to the amusement park twice and each time loved it.  I loved seeing the enjoyment of the kids and I loved the entertainment and rides, esp the Space Mt. roller coaster which I remember spending two hours just riding over and over again (after 10 pm at nite there were no lines and I would get off the ride and run back to line for another trip).  As I realized how I groused to my mom, I thought “well the sobs have turned me into a joyless drone just like them.”  There is no more joy and excitement in my life.  From the moment I get up to the moment I go to bed, everything is a hardship and a chore.  I force myself to work out but there is no joy that accompanies it.  I saw apurple and orange sky tonite and my mind said, this is a beautiful sunset, but I felt no familiar joy at experiencing the sunset.  Somewhere in my memory I just remembered that this is classified as “beautiful,” and memory tells me that beauty is very important even if I have no existential relation or response to it whatsoever.  I am in a chemical prison and my life is hell, and I may never be fully human again.  Goddamned rite its depressing.

Monday, September 15, 2008

What a laugh

What a laugh to think I am reclaiming anything.  Instead I am trying to endure torture of the first degree--psychotropic drugs that mess me up so bad I can do nothing.  It is like having a severe hangover, nauseated, pounding headache, and unable to bear any stimuli.  For those who have had severe hangovers, you know what I mean by "can't see straight."  Even now my eyesight is so messed up I cant read.  Then there are the back spasms.  Once again every muscle in my back feels wrenched out of place.  But worse now are the abdominal muscle spasms I am experiencing.  My ab muscles are now as locked as my back, legs, shoulders and neck (been getting progressively worse).  It feels like I am wearing a heavy layer of chain mail inside my belly and its hard to get up and sometimes to even breathe--it goes up to my diaphragm. My whole belly is now taut tense and tender to touch.  But the worst is when the muscles spasm, putting pressure on internal organs.  I wish to God for death.  I would have gone to the hospital this morning but I was too damned sick to drive and too damned sick to walk half a block to catch the bus.  Nobody has any idea of how much suffering I am experiencing--all I can do is cover up while I am kicked viciously and mercilessly.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

In constant pain from back spasms

In constant pain from back spasms--it's so bad that it is hard to breathe.  I can barely walk, and now my lower calf muscles are beginning to stiffen in perpetual lock as my quad muscles have done for some time.  This makes me very worried because my knee, and now my ankle joints are constantly going out on me, without warning.  I am not walking right but I can't feel it, because my legs are so numb and dead.  So I fear that a joint is going to tweak way out while I am trying to walk as a semi-paralyzed woman, and break or snap some joint that will require major surgery.  I tried to walk two blocks yesterday and it felt like 5 miles.  I need to get a walker and a handicap sticker.  I am so tired of feeling that I am in the body of a 70 year old woman, but I am trying to push myself because I recognize that the forces doing this, and opposed to my well-being are too powerful not only for my little self, but for the entire world.  I have to make some changes.  My life is basically hell, but I see no way of ever escaping it.   All I can do is offer my record and let others know of the hell that is our likely future.  I have to try to find a way of inspiration for others even if I have no inspiriation myself.

Friday, September 12, 2008

One day reprieve over

One day reprieve over.  Very sick.  Unable to walk.  Too sick to function.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008


Miserable  with locked muscles and weird muscle spasms.  In addition I have tender spots on my cranium.  Judging from the symmetry, I suspect that the recent drug overdose caused way too much csf in the brain and consequently tenderness where the implants are.  I suffer from continual bad headaches, aching, tender gums and tooth sensitivity !!! and this weird  feeling of a lump in my esophagus, as well as digestive bloating.  I know that I need serious medical attention but I know that I will never get it as long as these fundamentalist Christians keep playing their stupid torture games with me.  At least I could function today.  I am grateful for that--just sick of being sick ALL the goddamned time.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Not well enough

Not well enough to act on my resolve.  Not well enough to do anything.  Cant even watch TV.  Slept till noon, and that is the only time I am free of psychotropic hell--is when I sleep.  Otherwise I suffer with the headaches, the locked muscles (and now ive got weird spasms going on in my arm as well as the discomfort that comes with my abdominal muscles completely locked).  Im too sick to care.  I just try to drag myself around as little as possible and pray for the day that I am a free human being again.  But part of me laughs.  I laugh because these stupid fuckers are so far off.  They have no idea of how far they have driven me not only from their sick church but also how little they know or understand me.  I do think they understand they have lost me.  That is why the abuse is unrelenting.  and that is why they aimed a bullet into my head  what I am experiencing is nothing more than the torturing abuse of religious zealots living out the Inquisition all over again, but with 21st century techniques, and like Torquemada before them, they are pathetic sorry losers who long to know God, and control God, and have no idea of either the freedom of the human soul or the freedom of God.  But I give them their props--they know how to destroy flesh.  Congrats assholes.  I suffer.  I suffer every second I live.   But my suffering is all you stupid miserable fuckers get from me.  But you will NEVER get my free will to support you.  Get one thing clear assholes--we do not worship the same God.  You have warped the gospel and are an abomination on the face of the earth, and I am proud to defy you.  No matter the suffering.

Hell. Agony. Pain. Unbearable Torment.

Hell. Agony. Pain. Unbearable Torment.  Sadistic display of suffering.  No words can describe the agony I have endured over the last 24 hours.  I dreamed that a bullet was fired into my head.  Well, according the my dream interpretation, that bullet stands for someone else's aggression against me.  I know very well whose aggression it is and why it is there--it is the aggression of Opus Dei operatives (in the employ of three letter security agencies) against me for being lesbian, and for ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY repudiating their sick, warped version of religion.

Well, this morning as I sit with eyes that cannot see straight, legs that cannot walk, and a severe headache and backache, I feel something deep within me has changed.  For the first time in my life, I feel powerfully committed to helping gays and lesbians,  I cannot regain the last 10 years of my life which has been stolen from me, I cannot erase the psychic rape and violation that has occurred at every level of my psychic and emotional being.  I may never be a free woman or a healthy woman, capable of even walking normally, again.  But I can do my little part to make sure that no other gay or lesbian ever goes through what I have gone through from these hateful, religious zealots. 

I know that the problems of the world, and this country are deep and many, and I know that everyone suffers from some kind of affliction or oppression, and since I always look to see the big picture, and I look always to forgive and to get along, I didn't want commit to gay and lesbian advocacy, but now I do!! 

I always used to say to myself, "Medeita, most people are not ready for gay marriages, so just look at the big picture and get along."  No more.  I don't want to get along with conservative Christians anymore.  I want to confront them.  Whether they recognize me and my orientation, and my declared lifestyle choices and goals is no longer something I dodge or equivocate about. 

Sure, I know how deep the evil runs in this country, and the dismal prospects for our future, but my life has been stolen from me, and I can never regain it.  All I can do is my part to make sure that no other gay or lesbian person goes through the hell that I have gone through at the hands of Christian fundamentalists.  That is my goal and priority in life right now.  Everything else is secondary and I leave to God.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Lithium punch has me paralzyed

Lithium punch has me paralzyed--takes extreme effort of will to lift legs.  Happened last nite.  Woke up too sick to go to yoga, but I forced myself.  Sheer hell.  Every five minutes i was looking at clock to mark progress. 

Gentle class but I was too dead in my body to function, and everything is so difficult.  Typing is difficult.  I feel like stephen hawking--a intelligence in a dead non responsive body, but not really cause im too sick to concentrate.  Despair over how completely dead my body is.  after three years of non stop abuse and torture from religious nuts, i have no reserve left to fall back on.  all i can do is lay here in misery and wonder at what point i am going to be crawling to the bathroom instead ofusing my wheeled chair as a walker.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Off of psychotropics, back on speed--

Off of psychotropics, back on speed--getting ready for bed with the constant, locked muscle spasms I have now thanks to the speed.  I worry about permanent damage to my knees because I can't walk properly, and they kink out as I do the goosestep walk.  I also have to worry about locked muscles in my belly, neck, and biceps.  My hands are arthritic with this goddamned speed.  But what can I say--the more I read of the sheer, inhumane horror and evil that this govt and rogue security elements do to other individuals, and even unsuspecting innocents, the more I realize that I actually am quite lucky.  At least I am not in a cage, fed psychotropics and driven insane by demonic alien beings.  I think they have tried and still try to drive me insane--I think they try to conform my brain to their evil, warped patterns through biochemistry.  But, thank you God, for my faith--I think that is what wakes me up at night when they would worm their way into unguarded brain.  I just try to keep going.  As bad as my back and leg pain is tonight, I am going to have to take something to help me sleep.  I can only pray that God and His holy angels guard me in my sleep for I cannot defend myself against such predators, and the minions (Opus Dei) who sold me out to them.

Monday, September 1, 2008

Spoke too soon--mental torment and headaches back

Spoke too soon--mental torment and headaches back as once again i am whammied with psychotropics.  I am so sick and tired of not living life, of not being able to function, to think, to read to clean house, listen to music, ride a bide or exercise but just lay on the floor wiht a sheet wrapped round my head or watching tv.  Nothing interests me.  Cant think when my brain is so messed up.  I am so worried tho, I need a job, I need dental work badly (or I am going to lose an eyetooth), and I need opthalmic care for my messed up right eye--too much csf in the brain on the optic nerve.  But cant do anything about it right now.   Just try to sleep.

Sunday, August 31, 2008

Mental torment over while physical torment continues

Mental torment over while physical torment continues--for the third day in a row I am suffering from constant, severe back pain.  Usually this happens when I "throw out" my lower back."  But I haven't thrown out my back.  This pain is all caused by one, or maybe two, three vertebra that are impacted by the pressure of TOO MUCH cerebral spinal fluid going up my back.  I can feel it.  I think I am being given drugs that are causing too much csf to go into my brain.  This not only has a serious negative impact on my eyesight, it is putting too much pressure on my spinal vertebra (I lay on my heating pad and just feel the csf pulsing and surging up and down my spine).  This causes the connecting muscles to spasm and lock out of place, and before you know it, I am in severe chronic pain.  I have been in chronic back pain before--for three years I suffered with it.  It is unbearable.  And yoga and exercise doesn't help.  It hurts even more, because the vertebra and muscle gets extra strain and stress added to them.   This can't continue.  Pain is the most debilitating of all factors.  Furthermore, I am worried that if this pressure keeps up, the vertebra is going to rupture or herniate, and then I am going to be truly screwed.  Whatever is going on is also, like the psychotropic drugs causing stymied energy in my body--I know I have stymied energy when my body starts vibrating.  It can vibrate in my solar plexus, my lower back or shoulders or head.  It doesn't matter.  But this kind of stymied energy makes it impossible to concentrate, to write or even to read.  When my energy is free-flowing, I may be hyperactive, but I have tremendous concentration and energy, and I feel good and healthy and alive instead of miserable, dammed and in pain. 

Why does this happen?  This happens because the people in charge of this operation are constantly trying to warp me to fit their expectations and sense of perfect.  Who knows?  Maybe the reason I have a calcium imbalance is because my learned body response to counter constant back pain necessitates that.  The body has the innate capacity to heal, but it always involves a dynamic interchange.  Like I was saying the other day, people with bad backs have overdeveloped glutes--that is how we compensate for weak back muscles.  It took me three years of prayer and exercise to get rid of the constant back pain that plagued me.  I don't know what exchange that involved, but I know for a fact that I would do it again in a heartbeat.  It was a good choice.  Chronic pain is unbearable, and I am dismayed that I am suffering it again, now at the hands of my tormentors.   I WANT MY BODY BACK!!

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Able to drink coffee for the first time in 3 days

Able to drink coffee for the first time in 3 days--what a relief.  Anytime I cannot drink coffee in the morning, it means that I am too sick to get out of bed.  Still, the body is not happy.  This morning, upon awakening I had the shaky trembling legs and unsteady balance of a newborn foal.  My back is in severe shape from all the muscle spasms of the past few days.  I have actually felt tingling numbness up and down my lower spine---a symptom that my back is in severe shape--that only happens a couple of times a year and usually when I overexert myself or it goes "out."  Then there is the extra weight and cottage cheese spread on my legs--what do you expect?  My legs and muscles haven't been able to move properly for over 4 days.  I'm pretty certain I gained at least 3 pounds but it is hard to say for sure because my stomach feels so constipated and bloated.  Totally depressing as I realize that I cannot stop my body from the degeneration, deterioration and weight gain because I cannot stop these people from drugging.  Even now I am on speed, but because my mind is clear, and I can feel, and I can stand stimuli, I feel good.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Physical pain and suffering and mental torment beyond belief

Physical pain and suffering and mental torment beyond belief--dont know where to start every muscle in my back is spasmed, i cant walk, i get up my stomach is all messed up.  My head is so heavy with fluid that i cant hold it up but How much pain can a person endure, essp knowing that its all caused by drugs i dont want to take



i could go on but i am too sick .

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Legs and arms totally numb. cant feel hands as i type. cant life legs to walk. severe he

Legs and arms totally numb. cant feel hands as i type.  cant life legs to walk.  severe headaches andpressure in head.  cant breathe not sure if  it is muscle spasms or a panic reaction caused by brain not wanting to breathe automatically.  Weird brain rushes kept me up all jolting my body like electric shock.  cant breathe.  too sick to drive too sick to go to hospital .

Monday, August 25, 2008

3 days since I predicted psychotropic saturation

3 days since I predicted psychotropic saturation and now I am there.  I am unable to function--I cant bear stimuli, I cant walk, I cant drive, or even watch tv.  I worry about my right eye because I am not seeing with a full range of vision out of it, but I am too poor to go see dr huaman, and besides it is too hard and frustating to see her when I am enchained by drugs every time.  My stomach is perpetually nauseated, and any slight momentary rebound I felt when the Risperdol mimicked thyroid meds is completely gone.  I am perpetually nauseated and sick to my stomach.  I suffer from chronic headaches.  How do I know I have reached drug saturation?  Because of my dream last night--whenever I am saturated with psychotropic drugs I dream of totally wrecked, dilapidated houses, bulging with cockroaches.  Last nite the dilapidated house didn't have cockroaches but it was depressing because thieves had stolen all the mirrors (my inner self) and anything copper in the house.  Copper is a conductive for electricity.  Electricity is the scientific word for spiritual energy.  I am not able to reach my spirituality.  That is the least of my worries though.  Getrting through the day when I am so fucked up on drugs that is the hard part...Oh and lets not forget the dead soulless eyes that see whenever I can open my eyes to look myself in my mirror here.  Another day in hell...

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Didnt take long for psychotropic hell to begin again

Didnt take long for psychotropic hell to begin again--suffering from severe headaches and mood swings.  But unlike my healthy mood swings which involved joy, happiness and productivity, these mood swings alternate between the most incredible, hateful rage (right now I just want to smash things against my wall, curse the motherfuckers destroying my body and brain) and the blackest of despair when I pray to God to take my life  because I cant stand being in this abused, drugged up body anymore.  I am so sick of my suffering. Please God get me out of this hell.  Give me back my life or take it, you GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKERS.  I dont give a shit about you or anything else.  I just want relief from this godddamned drugged up hell that i am in

Friday, August 22, 2008

Another round begins--

Another round begins--this time I am being prepped with thyroid medication, in addition to some weird (maybe just very low dose) psychotropic drug.  I have to say I am so happy to be on thyroid medication.  I still have energy issues caused by the speed, but thyroid medication makes my digestion work so much better.  I'm not walking around all the time with a bloated, congested stomach and have a normal appetite, blood sugar regulation, and elimination.  Since most of the time I am miserable with digestion and blood sugar problems, due to the denial of thyroid medication, this is a big plus. 

I am just waiting for the psychotropics to mark the saturation level  in my body/brain, however.  I know as soon as it does, I will become physically and emotionally incapacitated and dsyfunctional, as always.  In the meantime, today looks like a functional day.  I have to take advantage of it.  Tomorrow, I may be to sick to move.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Preparing myself for huge assault and trauma

Preparing myself for huge assault and trauma as I have spent the last 3 or 4 days slammed by nausea and migraine--my stomach isnt digesting properly again.  But worse is the inability to bear stimuli, the constant motion sickness and the body damage caused by muscle spasms and inabiliy to work out.  Not to mention my right eye which is not seeing properly due to prssure from too much fluid in my brain.  Of course these drugs mess up my eyesight so bad I cant even watch tv.  But I know the psychotropic drugs wont quit.  Because the assholes who are doing it to me have nothing to lose (because as stupid as they are, they do know one thing--they lost me years ago.  I will not cooperate with opus dei, the Roman Church or any entity that insists on abusing me, and WAY too much abuse has happened for me to ever forget).  So I don't know how much longer my life will be stripped from and denied me, while I suffer from torment, pain, and psychotropic drugs.  But I am in full damage control mode--and spend my days thinking about the women (funny, they are all women) who I know truly care about me.  They keep me going.  They remind me that there are people out there who love me for me, and not for what I can be used, controlled, or manipulated for.  They console me that yes, one day I will be able to live a life of intimacy, joy and lesbian sexuality with another woman.  They give me the strength to persevere .  Today I woke up a feeling a little better than usual (because I figured out how to evade the risperdal last nite--that wont happen again) and i only have residual risperdal and speed messing me up right now, so I have to struggle for productivity while i can.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

will happen i promise you God

Sick to the point of not being able to function

Sick to the point of not being able to function as I have had nausea and migraine headache, and inability to respond to and relate to normal stimuli of reality for over 48 hours now.  My back hurts but cant go to physical therapy, my head hurts but i am wary of becoming addicted to the fironal.  MY house is a mess and I have to clean it for a workman tomorrow but even tho i want to sweep and mop floors and clean bathroom i am too sick to do anything, except RESOLVE in the innermost recesses of my heart and mind to implacably hate the abuse and suffering caused by the dysfunctional sick conservative catholic church and to realize no matter how incompletely creative revenge against them.  Just cant do it today when i am too sick to do anythin.

Monday, August 18, 2008

Nauseated and sick from psychotropic drugs

Nauseated and sick from psychotropic drugs--took me six hours to wash dishes--just too damned sick to be able to even stand over a sink, much less concentrate.  I cant listen to music--it makes me sick.  I cant stand stimuli of any kind.  Even watching tv gives me the motion sickness from all the weird dimensions assumed by the images.  I had some jobs i was going to apply for but there is no doubt. If it takes me all day to do dishes, i am too sick to consider employment. 

Sunday, August 17, 2008


Postscript from last entry a couple of hours ago---well the psychiatric torturers poured on the psychotropics again--now I got something in me that has left me severely nauseated and taking my second fiornal today for migraine.  But I am calm laugh to think that these stupid bastards believe for a minute that my emotional venting in my last passage is actually hysteria.  As usual, the poor sobs dont know me, just as they have never known me.  I may be calmed down but the hatred and contempt for my persecutors remains implacable and it is becoming ever clearer that only by writing it out will I ever be free of these assholes.  Now Im just trying to get free of the nausea.


Postscript from last entry a couple of hours ago---well the psychiatric torturers poured on the psychotropics again--now I got something in me that has left me severely nauseated and taking my second fiornal today for migraine.  But I am calm laugh to think that these stupid bastards believe for a minute that my emotional venting in my last passage is actually hysteria.  As usual, the poor sobs dont know me, just as they have never known me.  I may be calmed down but the hatred and contempt for my persecutors remains implacable and it is becoming ever clearer that only by writing it out will I ever be free of these assholes.  Now Im just trying to get free of the nausea.

Some Opus Dei moron is prescribing prayer

Some Opus Dei moron is prescribing prayer--well guess what fuckers...I pray every day.  I pray to be free of you, and I pray God for forgiveness for ever trusting the goddamned Roman Catholic church and for my responsibility in the hell that these sick perverts have made of my life.  I pray for the freedom to be me--QUEER, sexually and romantically active, and surrounded by people, individuals, whose spirituality welcomes and authenticates the whole person and not some pale cardboard imitation of limp "manhood" (since the conservative Catholics can't even bring themselves to use the word "humanity"  (too inclusive, you see) Opus Dei and the Roman Catholic church proclaims as the norm.  What does it take for you all to get it?  To say I pray... Well, here I am, begging in prayer, I DIVORCE THEE, I DIVORCE THEE, I DIVORCE THEE.  GET OUT OF MY LIFE, NOW, FOREVER, FOR ETERNITY.  God grant me the dignity to try to restore what's left of my drug shattered brain and drug bloated body.  I don't even recognize myself in my own dmv photo.  Do you get it you fucking assholes?  Your vision and version of "me" is a despicable ersatz facade that I do not acknowledge or accept.  Not now, Not11 years ago, when you first began violating every right I have as a citizen and as a human being, and not in a celibate miserable future, depending on sick perverted small minded people for support.  Go, leave, let me try to restore my body and my mind and my spirit to some kind of health and happiness.  I do not want you in my life.  I am not a Roman Catholic.  I have despised Opus Dei since I learned of their existence over 20 years ago, my spirituality, my vision and my future are very different from yours.  Go in peace, because I swear what I pray for now more than anything is the grace not to hate you for the years of torture, abuse, suffering, loneliness, and relationship ruination you perverts have piled on me in your patriarchal smugness that I am a thing, a slave you own and control to meet your own corrupt agendas.  God has to be a pretty big God to answer that prayer.  But I will worry about that prayer when God answers the prayer that I pray with every breath--FREE ME FROM THESE RELIGIOUS CULTISTS.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Brief one day respite over

Brief one day respite over and drugging has started again.  MY body is totally fucked.  Today in yoga my legs were completely dead and now they are completely useless for walking.  I try to navigate but my knees are in severe pain from the muscle misalignment caused by the peculiar locked gait that the fucking goddamned drugs force me to adopt.  Can I get a break assholes?  Can I ;get one fucking day to clean my house and cook some food?  I know that it really bugs you that I might actually be a human being with feelings and hobbies and interests and joys instead of some stupid fucking opus die robot that you so heretics and spiritual perverts so emulate....but I can please get one day to wash my dishes and clean my toilet?  Instead of having to lay in bed fighting headaches and joint pains.  What the use dialoging with Inquisition morons like yourself.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Catatonic again

Catatonic again as my muscles are all locked.  Still cant walk.  My brain is catatonic too.  Just incapable of dealing with reality.  How much suffering God do I have to endure? Save me from these monsters please.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Legs totally paralyzed

Legs totally paralyzed, cannot feel them at all.  Cant walk my knees feel funny and pained as they try to bend with absolutely no muscle coordination or cooperation.  Brain paralyzed too.  cant stand being in my own brain.  I just want to be so fuked up drunk that I cant feel the hellish misery that is my psychotropic fucked up hellhole life.

No sensation in legs and arms

No sensation in legs and arms, finding it difficult to feel anything.  My body is sore with muscular and joint pains all over as my body tries to work around whatever drug i am force fed.   My spine and back muscles are all messed up.   God how long has it been since i have been human????

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Body wracked by Risperdal and speed

Body wracked by Risperdal and speed--muscle spasms and arthritis.  I can't lift my arms or my legs.  My left leg is swollen from muscle spasms in my thight.  My back is such spasmic pain that not only can I not stand, I cannot sit.  My floating head doesnt want to sit on my spasmed neck and shoulders.  Oh lets not forget the constant nausea that leaves me dehydrated because even water makes me nauseaus or the constant sick migraine headaches that have me taking 2 or 3 fiornal a day to little avail.  But nothing compares to the mental torment--the inability to stand any kind of stimuli to the brain--the inability do anything other than shut my eyes and wish i werdead. Too sick to do anything.  My house is a mess. I dont think I caaaaaaaaaan drive or go to yoga.  Just sick of this suffering.

Monday, August 11, 2008

From bad to worse

From bad to worse as psychotropic drugs made yesterday a total wash, with me mostly laying down trying to overcome nausea.  Today I am too sick to care about anything.  My arms and legs are numb and dead and can barely walk.  My eyes just want to stay shut.  I am not in reaslity.  My house is a mess but i am too sik to care.  Not functioning. Lost life.

From bad to worse

From bad to worse as psychotropic drugs made yesterday a total wash, with me mostly laying down trying to overcome nausea.  Today I am too sick to care about anything.  My arms and legs are numb and dead and can barely walk.  My eyes just want to stay shut.  I am not in reaslity.  My house is a mess but i am too sik to care.  Not functioning. Lost life.

Saturday, August 9, 2008


Nauseated, sick and exhausted with lithium in my system.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Emotionally flat and severely depressed

Emotionally flat and severely depressed as I try to live in this body that is arthritically achey from too much speed, and try to hold my head up when it is so heavy and fluid filled that all it wants to do is lull.  People are reaching out to me but I am in this psychotropic drug coccoon and am unable to reach out to others.  Just keep going.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Ive gained three pounds in three days

Ive gained three pounds in three days, now at 202, up from 199 on saturday.  It is lithium that causes me to have out of control weight.  All i know is that i am sick as a fucking dog, fantasizing bout slitting my writsts to get free of these goddamned pricks who have turned my body into bloated whale, and my brain into a drug mushed hell.  I am supposed to get a new license soon, and I am so humiliated at the thought of my pix being taken when I am a drug bloated cow with drug glittered alien eyes.  Of course i might not be able to pass my eye test because the sight in my right eye is so poor due to all the goddamned fluid in my brain. Who cares about my eyesight?  Who cares about my weight?  My health?  LOL--the goddamned opus dei and their govt psychs living in their little fantasy world sure dont.  Solzhentisen (too sick to look u the spelling) died, and I wish I were dead rather than inhabiting this drugged, hell-tormented body. Too sick to do anythin.  CAn't even lift my feet up to walk.  Miserable with headaches and whatever the fuck these goddamned assholes have done to me.  god, get me out of here.  i cant stand it anymore.  it is hell to be conscious, and i just want to be unconscious, forever. let me join ssolsentsin.

Monday, August 4, 2008

3 Fiornals, 2 excedrins and 1 alka setzer later

3 Fiornals, 2 excedrins and 1 alka setzer later and I stiall am so fucking sick that i cant stand it.  i cant watch tv.  i suffer from motion sickness.  i cant stand the nausea and the sick headaches. nothing is working.  I just 2 fironal to try to get rid of the nausea but am  vyery close to fenegera n which knocks me out for fover 24 hours but right now i want to be knocked out.  so goddamned sick.  cant stand it.

Couldnt believe my face

Couldnt believe my face when I looked in the mirror this morning--unrecognizable, haggard, fluid bloated, with deep suffering and sorrow lines scoring downward from the corners of my mouth.  I never had such lines before the goddamned fuckers started forcing psychotropic drugs in me, but then I never experienced such horrific anguish and mental and emotional suffering until I endured this psychotropic torture.   These drugs don't modify moods.  They create hell, and that is where I am write now.  I am too sick to care.  I try to hold on but it is destroyi me.  I watched candace pert on Larry King last nite.  She is a lot like me, or rather, like I used to be, someone who believes we are primed for joy.  But my joy has been termed manic deprression by a bunch of religious and govt zealots with no soul of their own as they try to turn me into a miserable, soulless conformist unable to choose anything but their warped pervesions and bidding.  Too sick to contine.  My arms wont type anymore.

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Back to misery

Back to misery as once again psychotropic drugs make it impossible to function.  I am so sick and so angry at the motherfuckers who are drugging me that I want to hit somebody, but I will just hang on while I try to endure the hell that is my life on these drugs.  Spent all afternoon sleeping.  too drugged up to do anything else.  Spent all day reading John McCains book about his Vietnam prison experience.  I can totally identify with the absolute need to defy my tormentors and insist on my free human dignity which these stupid fucking asshole pieces of shit refuse to grant me.  But that s ok.  I take pleasure in knowing you fuckers will never get anything out of me!!! Yahoo!!  Go to hell assholes. 

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Woke up today with a clear head

Woke up today with a clear head for the first time in what seemed weeks.  Even more importantly, I looked out my open, screeened door and saw the early morning light hitting the leaves on my neighbor's tree, and felt a soul stirring response.  I was actually able to appreciate beauty !  For the first time in weeks!  The light in Albuquerque this summer has been just remarkably beautiful--more like the artistic havens of the northern part of the state, Pecos, Taos and Santa Fe.  I think it has to do with the cloud overcast caused by the unusually inordinate monsoon rains that we have been welcoming with the unmitigated enthusiasm of a desert people for water.

While intellectually I have been appreciating this unaccustomed weather, and the coolness that it brings to a normal, scorchingly hot summer, I haven't "felt" it--that soul response of gratitude and joy that is related to the psychological feeling function.  The drugs have totally separated me from that deep feeling capacity--which is what I believe makes us truly human.  It feels good to experience my humanness.

I can't say that life is perfect.  I am still on speed, and it is still dragging me down, but compared to the hell I have been experiencing while on those psychotropic drugs, life feels good.  Now, I just got to try to "get my legs back."  The drugs completed numbed and increasingly paralyzed by legs.  When I woke up this morning, I could actually feel my legs for the first time in a long time, but the muscles are still weakened and I find it difficult to walk.  So what am I going to do with this great day?  Clean house.  Who knows, tomorrow I might be all drugged up, and completely incapacitated again.  Got to make hay while the sun shines--and it is shining so beautifully today. Thank you, God.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Woke up very sick

Woke up very sick after a hellacious day yesterday.  Sick to the point of not being able to function.  Sick to the point of having been told in a dream to have my blood sugar checked for diabetes.  I don't need a dream to know my blood sugar is all messed up.  I am craving sugar all the time (and I dont have much sugar in the house).  My blood sugar crashes all the time and I eat to try to feel better even though I am so damned nauseated.  I am nauseated all the time, and am taking fiornal for sick headaches.  I had hoped to try to write but the Risperdal like all psychotropic drugs completely undercuts my ability to think rationally and verbally.  I can only think in images, and want to spend all day in bed daydreaming in a fantasy world (that is the prime clue that i am on risperdal).  I try to watch tv, but now my motion sickness has extended from not being able to watch moving objects (like moving cars) in front of me, to not being able to watch moving images on the tv.  Everything looks like it is leaping out at me in another dimension like i am wearing funny glasses.  So i am taking dramamine too. 

I am pissed off at myself for talking to Dale because I believe I brought this latest round of torture on myself.  Everytime I talk ablut spiritual matters the damned, sick, warped Catholic Church starts salivating and scheming on how to bring me in line with their objectives.  Well forget it assholes.  My spiritual path and destiny lies on a totally different path than yours.  I want nothing to do with you or your torture lies and manipulations.  I am so sick of being sick.