Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Thursday, August 23, 2007
I am feeling better as I finally shake off that excess serontonin. Even the cat has noticed. For the past two or three weeks he has stayed far away from me, spooked by me, and not even sleeping on the front porch like he was before. Animals are great at intuiting the reality of humans. He knew that my mind was "out to lunch," and was spooked by it. Yesterday, he rubbed all over me, looking to be petted, a change from the last few weeks when he got up and ran off whenever I even came near.
I slept for over 12 hours last night. I think it was partly because I was so tired from nights of really poor sleep, and partly because my brain is still saturated with drugs. I took 3 Tylenol PM, and 6 mg of Melantonin to help me sleep last night. Those normally are very good at helping me sleep, but in the last few weeks taking them seemed to amplify the scary, jolting brain rushes that kept me awake. I am so happy to announce that they did not cause any brain rushes, but they definitely left me feeling like I had a drug hangover, and I couldn't wake up this morning. But this was a normal feeling I recognize (I did take a pretty high dosage, but that is what I have become accustomed to), and maybe it is telling me that my brain is getting back to normal. Those brain rushes are not normal.
So now that I am feeling better, it is time to move on to my next project--what I have been thinking about for the past several days ever since I finished reading a couple of books on extraterrestial life. I am waiting though for the Holy Spirit to give me the go-ahead which it just hasn't done yet. Listening to the Holy Spirit is just like relating to a Person, if on a very subtle level, and nothing can be forced, rushed, or imposed. I am just receptive, and waiting to get the go ahead. Certainly, writing would help me organize and clarify my thoughts, and allow me to try to work out some major questions (one burning and critical question in particular), but as my thoughts are still unsure at this stage and people misunderstand my writing anyway, I am just going to wait until I get the go ahead. I will know when it comes.
A footnote:--I don't know when the go ahead will come, because I am still being drugged (with speed, I think), and it completely undermines my ability to center myself in a receptive manner or pray. At least I am not so sick so that it is possible to try to get out of the house and away from the drugs (which makes me so autistic that it is scary to even drive). I am damned tired of being drugged though. These people have wrecked my body with their stupid drugs and their lack of respect for my person. I know that I will never fully recover. But I am reminded of the German woman who was held in captivity for 8 years against her will while she played a game of will with her sick captor. She kept her spirits up and told him, "I will dance on your grave." The last time I ever cooperated with these bastards and their plans, I went to jail, and for six months in a sheer hellhole of abuse, noise, and the utter banality of the company of drug addicts, I learned the hard lesson to never cooperate with them again. Yes, I am going to dance on their grave. I may not see the day, but it will happen, and I intend to do my part to bring them down. Yes, my German captor (and you know who you are), I can't wait until I dance on your grave.
Sunday, August 19, 2007
I have to get out of the house to write. Home is still a toxic place, thouth I cannot tell if that is because the old drugs are still lingering or if I am just being zapped with a lower dosage now. Zapped I am, and it continues to cause headaches, though at least these are bearable. I just don't know how long I can endure living in a state of constant headaches. Some good news though--I was able to work out today. I had to be very not to overextend myself. The pain was always hovering in the back of my head, ready to begin pulsating again at the slightest slip up into serious exertion. I envied all the energetic, enthusiastic people working out around me. I wanted to proclaim, "that is who I really am too--not this painfully paced, doddering invalid who moves and exercises like she shoul be in the Silver Sneakers program." But I am grateful that I could work out at all. I also am pleased that the severe arthiritis I had begun experiencing in my hands is all but gone. The pain had started when I was drugged with Serontonin, and while I know that I have arthritis , it moves to a whole other level when I feel that I have arthritis. I had spent a day playing the dulcimer trying to to work out the pain, and had hoped to spend more time playing music, but the drugs made me too sick to concentrate on anything. Anyway, my hands are almost back to normal. This is not the first time that involuntary doping has caused arthritis to flare. Other drugs that I have been force fed has caused it too.
So what is it with all these drugs having such a toxic effect on me. Partly I think it is an innate psychosomatic sensitivity. Drugs, even illicit ones, have always had an exaggerated impact on me. I also seem to have an unpredictable contrary response to a lot of drugs. Speed totally shuts me down, and the only time I ever snorted cocaine, I was dramatically and instantaneously depressed. But I think there is something more going on now. I think (since my back injury an cortisone treatment) that my cells aren't regulating neurotransmitter transport correctly. I keep thinking back to that (seemingly prophetic--to me) dream that I had in which I was told that I didn't need thyroid medication. I needed Calcium Magnesium Citrate (of which I knew nothing). I don't take CaMg Citrate for the simple reason that every time I drop 20 bucks on a bottle, it ends up adulterated with some substance that some moron believes will make me think that I am crazy, when all that happens is that I get ill and/or angry. But what little I know of calcium is that it is essential for cell regulation and transport.
I am pretty sure that my cells are not transporting correctly. I say this because of what happens with my cerebral spinal fluid. I can literally feel it "stuck" in my spine, and then all of a sudden, it "unsticks" and a massive flow will start moving up my spine. It is not a smooth, continuous flow, but it goes in spasmodic jerks, starts and stops that I don' think are normal. Certainly when there is a huge rush all at once going up my spine, whereas an instant before there was nothing, it doesn't feel normal. So even though I am an untrained layperson, I wonder if the cellular mechanism for transport and flow is not gating properly. And if it is not gating properly in my spine, and in my left side of my body (where I have so much fluid retention), maybe it is not gating properly in my brain. Maybe my "mood" neurotransmitters aren't flowing correctly but getting stuck, trapped, and accumulating to the point to the point of toxicity. This would explain why I get arthritis, because my arthritis only flares to the point of pain when I have toxins in my body (like after a night of really heavy drinking), It also would explain why some people insist upon diagnosing me as bipolar, even though I am absolutely certain that I am not. If the target brain cells of the neurotransmitters aren't working properly so that they let in the chemical in jerks and fits, after a huge amount has accumulated, I'm getting a mood rush that might appear manic, whereas, while the neurotransmitters are blocked and stymied, I might seem quiescent, and even flat. It would also explain these disturbing brain rushes that I am getting. They are so intense they can wake me up from near sleep or make me feel like I am going to pass out. The only thing though, is that these rushes are not just head rushes. It is like my whole body has just had an intense electrical jolt down all the way to my toes. I sure hope the MRI can tell what is going on, because this constant drugging is disastrous for my health. I need to have surgery on my eye, but I will not have it until I am reassured that my brain won't be violated while I am under anesthesia. The Holy Spirit has already snitched their plans off to me--they want to place a psychotropic implant in my brain. This would only end in emergency brain surgery to remove it, and possibly worse, but these people have no respect for my bodily health or my rights as a person Fortunately my guardian angels, and a few really outstanding people are looking out for me. I know who they are but I am not in a position to thank them properly. But still I do. God look after me, and protect me from the evil of physicians and surgeons who do and who would violate me by drugging me against my express will. I am not a danger to myself or others, so such an imposition is an evil and sin of the highest order.
Saturday, August 18, 2007
I woke up with a terrible headache and fatigue that plagued me mostly all day. I'm still not quite myself, though certainly I am better. I can tell now that it is the excruciating, pulsating pain of the headache that causes the ongoing ill feeling, but it has been more in the background today, instead of overwhelming. I hope to try to workout tomorrow but I honestly don't know if the head pain will be diminished enough to allow it. I missed yoga today, but I woke up late and with a bad headache, so it couldn't be helped. My body has been missing the physical exercise all day long, but it just wasn't a good day to be physically ambitious. I feel like I am recovering from a serious illness, and all I can do is hope that tomorrow is better because I need to be physical.
I am angry at the people who read my journals and writing, because they read something they were never supposed to read. I don't remember everything I wrote, and I am not going to talk about what I do remember--not because I am ashamed or embarrassed, but because I don't trust these bastards to know the details of my personal feelings. I will say that I wrote about a lovely Latina who works at my favorite laundry mat, and whose fine body I cannot help but admire. When I did my laundry yesterday, I could tell that she was hurt and confused, because they had gotten to her, and probably threatened her with termination or deportation. I stayed away from her, because I did not want her to get in any more trouble, but nothing was her fault. She is not even a lesbian. She has never flirted with me, or been anything but friendly in a business appropriate manner. Is she to blame that she looks great in a tight pair of jeans (and I notice)? Is it her fault that I'm forced into an uncongenial, miserable celibacy, and it has been so long since I have been laid, that I am lusting after every attractive woman that crosses my path? I don't even write about how often I lust after other women, because of exactly what happened. The NSA/ Opus Dei Taliban will descend on them and threaten them with the most dire consequences. I am amazed that anyone would be attracted to me, considering all the complications that are involved in relationship with me, but I got to admit that I am glad that they are. One of these days I am going to be free to be me again, and when I am, my first priority will be a romantic relationship, and past experience has taught me that nothing frees me from indiscriminate lust as much as getting legitimately and regularly laid in a loving, committed relationship. So, all you beautiful ladies of the world, I am sorry if I cross the line and look at you with lustful intent. If it makes you feel better, any woman I lust after also has a beautiful, if sometimes conflicted, soul. Hopefully the day will come soon when what happened the night before will sate and free me from such hyper-sexually charged feelings. I can't wait!!!!
Friday, August 17, 2007
Well, the drugging has let up a little bit, if only for a brief period. I still have a "heavy" head with a background headache, but nothing like the constant, sick and painful headaches that have left me miserably ill, cranky, and barely able to function. I returned all my music CD's to the library yesterday, because I felt too sick to listen to any music. I had checked out a symphony of Mahler's that I had never heard before, but I could not listen to it, because classical music especially, is a very "feeling" experience, and I was totally numb to any and all feeling. Now I wish I had the CD. I still am not in a "musical appreciation" mood, but at least I can listen to music with feeling again. I still feel very tired though, and am living in a truly filthy house (I have been too sick to do any cleaning). The first order of business will be to flea bomb the house again. Fleas got into the house when I slept on the porch inhabited by my soon-to be-adopted cat, and then brought my bedding in. They are pesky critters to get rid of. I already tried once. They were on the verge of extinction, but have revived to come back in force.
Hopefully soon, I will be able to work out again. I am not there today--I can still feel my body cautioning me not to exert myself not even in a mild way, unless I want to risk the excruciating, pulsating pain again. For someone like myself, who truly enjoys being physically active, this is a real hardship. I feel most alive when I am pushing myself physically. Needless to say, I don't feel very alive right now. Still, it is a respite, and I am grateful, or more accurately, my body is grateful. In a way I regret the respite. I am scheduled for an MRI on Wednesday, and I want scientific vindication and proof of what is going on with these weird brain rushes that I am experiencing. I didn't have any brain rushes last night, and I think they are directly related to the Serontonin that I am being force fed. In any case, I hope they leave a trace record in my brain; otherwise I am afraid that the drugging will continue. But first things first--while I can do it--I got to flea bomb this house...I am not full strength, but I have got to push myself.
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Despite how badly I feel, I have to write to keep a written record of the abuse I feel. I am desperately waiting to hear from a neurologist for an appt, but in the meantime I find myself become sicker and sicker, and more and more autistic. I cannot bear any kind of stimuli. The only good thing in my life right now is that I am unemployed, so at least I can find a place to just curl up away from all the noise and groan where no one can here me.
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
I haven't written in a long time as the serontonin that I am being pumped with (if my dreams are literally accurate) makes me really ill, and unable to concentrate. Insofar as I do write, I write by hand out in the bosque then try to transfer it to the blog. I have to say that I have been so sick with headaches and the inability to concentrate that most of the time I can not even do that. So I just lay there doing nothing, though sometimes I can do light reading. (I borrowed a bunch of sci-fi junk novels to help me in this period when I absolutely cannot concentrate). But about two weeks ago, I had some seriously prophetic dreams and I wrote the following down. It is that this is the first time I have felt well enough to type the words here. Here goes:
I've been thinking a lot lately regarding a dream that I had last week. I would have preferred to keep my thoughts to myself, rather than broadcast them, but after being doped last night, and then dreaming about it (serontonin, sticky like cough syrup being sprayed all over my brain), I have decided to try to force myself. So here it comes. A disclaimer: for those of you in Opus Dei, this is probably a six on the Index of forbidden writings probably should check with your spiritual direction first (I don't know why I bother with irony. Opus Dei members are so brainwashed they could never understand not in black and white--not even in the gospels where Jesus delights in using it as a preferred method of teaching).
In addition to the Serontonin, I think that I am being force fed some kind of female hormone (progesterone?) that is totally messing with my body. I haven't had a period in over 3 cycles now (I have been on a 21 day cycle for years). I do get PMS symptoms though, when I am expecting my flow to start--extra edema in my ankles, belly bloating, facial acne, and really weird mood swings (which normally my period does not cause). Also, I have been suffering from unusually acute hypoglycemia which causes intense protein cravings, even if I am not hungry. If I don't eat the protein, my blood sugar crashes and I get sick headaches, which is really devastating because it comes on top of the constant serontonin headache that I have. The last time I remember feeling like this was when Dr. Giudice put me on high progesterone birth control pills to try to control and regularize my heavy bleeding. I just don't know if my body will ever recover from all this doping -- the extra fat (I've gained a lot of weight again, and it is all belly fat), the loss of a lot of muscle tone, and what muscle I do have turning to flab. I try to work out, but my energy is so uncharacteristically low that I am unable to persevere. Right now, I despise what is going on with my own body. There is some comfort in knowing that it is not my fault, but the result of other's sinful imposition of will in violating my bodily personhood, but it doesn't change the end result. I just don't know how much longer I can endure this--and especially since the serontonin causes electrical jolts and brain rushes to my body that keeps me awake all night. I keep hoping that my abusers will get the message that I have been trying to send for 10 years--I am not one of you. Let me go. Yes, I am a deeply spiritual person, but the institutional perversion of Jesus' spirit and message has left me quite content to find comfort and friendship with other people of spirit who have cannot stand the patriarchal baggage and co-dependency that the churches tie to the freeing gospel of Jesus. I dreamed that this abuse would be ending soon, but since I was stupid enough to let on my knowlege, I wonder if the abuse will be extended. I have been praying to the Holy Spirit for guidance on the issue. I should know soon.
So on to my dreams...I had a dream explicitly about Pius XI. For all my erudition, I knew very little about this Pope at the time of my dream. Upon awakening, I did a little research in Wikipedia, and something in that article completely dovetailed with my dream, so without any other research I knew that the Wikipedia article was correct--that Pius XI had been murdered because he was going to send out a papal bull condemning Fascism and anti-Semitism on 2/11/1939. Now, I am always aware of the biases and shortcomings of my sources of knowledge, and I know that with Wikipedia, the bias is hidden. So I take that into account. I also take into account my realpolitik view of the world, that accepts, "Yes, sometimes popes do get murdered." I honestly believe (even more so after my dream) that John Paul I was murdered. But even when I was a Catholic, Vatican intrigue and politics just did not interest me. I was, and am now, much more interested in the pursuit of holiness, and that cesspool of religious self-aggrandizing does and says practically nothing to speak to that. Political power, and the pursuit of that power is what I see at the Vatican.
But there are exceptions, and I have to say that Pius XI is certainly one of them (and to think, a few days ago, I knew nothing of the man). I linked to a Youtube video clip of him and my heart warmed immediately. He may have been a theological conservative, but he had a Christian pastor's heart and soul. He reminded me of good Pope John XXIII. I couldn't understand the untranslated Italian that he spoke, but I knew this gentle, loving, and humble man dressed in an untailored, old cassock was a true shepherd of souls. A papa like that (or John XXIII, or even, I think John Paul I) might have been able to talk me into the Church, but we wll see no more Popes like that, I am afraid.
So then, after the sick realization that this Holy Father was murdered, I moved on to the next question--to what extent was his successor implicated? You see, I will swallow the hook about Mussolini's mistress' doctor father being the agent of the poison, but I am certain that red hats cling to the line and sinker, weighing it down to the murky depths.
Before this week, I always gave Pius XII the benefit of the doubt. I regarded him, as I do Paul VI, as a benign, well-meaning but weak and conflicted Pope whose good intentions were sabotaged by an evil he could not fathom, nor effectively counter (and no, the evil in Paul VI's realm were not the liberals of Vatican II, but he got hooked by the smoke screen the truly evil threw up). I no longer can give Pius XII the benefit of the doubt, because the consequences of his vanity and stupidity are just too grave. There are six million dead Jews killed under the most inhumane and barbaric circumstances, and European Jewry, with all of their intellectual and cultural contribution now is nearly extinct, and the burden of that guilt cannot be placed on one man. Hitler was the spark, but the faggots were stacked by centuries of Christian harassing, hounding, opression and ghettoization. Since I am a self-professed Christian, who shares in the positive blessings of my Christian heritage, I have to admit to a share of that collective guilt, even though personally I don't have an anti-Semitic bone in my body. That is why I am so angry with Pius XII. In a way, Jews are more forgiving than Christians. They don't expect people to be saints; they just want them to be righteous. I was reading that Jagerstatter will be canonized soon, and I am glad and this is appropriate, because he did exercise heroic, saintly virtue by refusing to serve in Hitler's army. But how about simple virtue--that of doing the right thing which is reasonably possible under the circumstances. Yes, Pius XII saved a few thousand Jews, and for that he is to be commended, but really that is what I would expect of someone of Schindler's status, a middling-wealthy industrialist. Equally, I think it commendable that peasant women threw rotten potatoes to the starving concentration camp prisoners whenever the Nazi guards weren't looking. However, from the symbolic head and representative of the Catholic, and even Christian, faith, I expect something more--like a papal letter condemning anti-Semitism while it was still possible without becoming a clear mark of HEROIC virtue. If Pius XI had the moral courage to do it (and that was what my dream was about--it even had the explicit date right), then Pius XII should have followed through, which he obviously did not. But I think he was swayed by fear (Mussolini will annex the Vatican City) and vanity. I think he actually thought his diplomatic skills and background would allow him to positively influence Hitler and German policy. Obviously, he never read Mein Kampf, or he would have known what he was dealing with. I also suspect that he was a little bit of an anti-Semite and a lot of a Germanphile. I think he thought abrogating a few civil liberties for the Jews would be a fair trade-off to prevent a German flare of hostility (such as war). By the time he realized the truly horrific dimensions of his mistake, and that of evil that the Jews were suffering, I think he was in genuine agony, and that is when he started his efforts to assist the Jews to the best of his ability.
So, no, I do not think that he was in on the murder of Pius XI (just as I am certain that John Paul II would not have been in on any murder of John Paul I, but it is interesting that, according to his biographer, to note that he knew he was going to be next in line after JPI. That tells mea lot of people knew hewas next in line). A big reason is that the big trademark of evil is that it dupes, rather than explains and includes. It manipulates from behind the scenes, which is why power that remains secretive is so dangerous. Very rarely, is evil ever front and center. But in the end, I have to reserve judgment about Pius XII, because this serontonin in my brain is completely destroying my ability to pray, and so I cannot discern with any certainty of inner conviction. I can state that I think he was stupid to trust Hitler's Germany. Furthermore, I think that he lacked the moral courage to do what needed to be done, and could have been reasonably done, as pontiff, regarding the Jews, and finally, he was hopelessly vain (which is probably the means by which the evil one was able to dupe him). I have watched some clips of this guy, and he is a pure, pompous poseur. An acting background has become very useful to those who wish to exert charismatic authority in this media age, but Pius XII was hapless in acting. Nevertheless, he tried to act out what he thought a holy man would look like, and that is a total turn off to someone like me for whom holiness is all about authenticity, and "being real." The worst was when (according to the spoken commentary) he claimed to have a mystical experience while talking to the crowd. I know what a person in the throes of a mystical experience looks like, and all he was exhibiting was some truly awful acting. I think that is why his corpse smelled so badly when he died. He was "rotten" in life but hid it beneath his expensive, aristocratic robes and bearing. He was duped by the charlatan doctor who embalmed him, just like he was duped his entire life. And they are going to try to canonize this pope??!!
I suppose I could end by saying a few words about the current Pope, and believe me, I am tempted, but even though I have definite thoughts on the matter this is not the time or place. I would just caution Catholics to remember that prophecy is always a little bit off. (Even Jesus who seemingly prophesied that the destruction of the Temple was imminent, was off about 30-40 years). I know now that Catholics in positions of power are just as aware of, and concerned about St. Malachy's prophecy as I am (though they may not be anticipating it as a necessary and fruitful result for Christ's followers, as I am). Opus Dei knows too, and they are actively moving themselves into the position that the Pharisees took right before and after the destruction of the hierarchial priesthood of the Israelites--to become the new framework for spiritual leadership should the old framework disappear. I cannot say with enough emphasis how disastrous this would be for Christianity (Opus Dei is a disaster for Christians wherever they are). But my arguments against Opus Dei and their warped theology, will have to wait for another day...