Friday, July 30, 2010

Alan Turing

Alan Turing...unsung hero and unsought model for my unfortunate life. Alan Turing was a gay man and brilliant mathematician who was the one single man primarily responsible for cracking the Nazi crypto-codes, and thus ultimately was one of the most responsible, if behind-the-scenes, individuals for the British triumphant perserverance through the darkest days of the war. In gratitude for his most audacious achievement, he was railroaded out of civil service on charges of psychiatric malfeasance and incompetency due to to the "hormonal imbalance" that "caused" his homosexuality. After Churchill, the one single man who was most responsible for the victory of the Battle of Britain, was disgraced and isolated after being deemed an unacceptable security risk because of his homosexuality and psychological eccentricity. I know how it feels Alan...
I am drugged on God only knows what, and am so sick that I am nonfunctional. Miserable and suffering, I try to do the only things I can do--watch tv, but even that is an incredible challenge of focus for me. Mostly I just want to lie down and listen to music. Of course, I don't expect anything else from the Nazis and the PIB's. After all, I am their sworn enemy, and I despise everything they stand for, and the hell that they have made of my life with their violations of my body (brain and body implants, ova theft, castration, and the neverending drugs). I despise their corrupted, evil values and their perverted vision of the future. I know that we are sworn enemies and I can expect nothing from them but torture and violation until they get from me what they want--a psychotic, mind-controlled, 'religiuos seer" that they can use as a false prophet to usher in the most evil age humanity has ever known. I can't change them. I'm reminded of an exchange between Sri Aurobindo and Gandhi (and even though Gandhi was the one more ostensibly influenced by Christianity, I always liked Sri Aurobindo a little bit more--he was more like me, more in love with God and the individual person than with his own ambitious agenda to transform society or the need to cultivate a sense of iconic sanctity). Anyway, Sri Aurobindo learned that Gandhi had said of Adolph Hitler, "we will melt his heart in the furnace of love." Upon hearing that Aurobindo snorted, and replied, "the only thing that will melt Hitler's heart is an atom bomb." I am not proposing violence or violent resistance. I am only saying that there is an implacable and organized evil so great that the only authentic response is resistance with every bit of force and fiber of one's being. I am not a soldier. I don't even own a gun, and it wouldn't do me any good if I did (though I certainly recommend them for the majority of the population). The only resistance I can offer is that of the spirit. I don't fight against the forces of evil for recognition, reward (though a living salary would be nice), or need for psychological revenge or validation. Fighting dragons is a nasty business, and though I didn't choose it, unlucky fate has thrust me on on the front lines, and my only authentic and honorable option is to fight with every force and fiber of my being, while I try to stay alive, whole and sane.
Congratulations to the Nazis--they definitely have made significant inroads against my defenses. I am alive, but my life is not worth living. I am no longer a sovereign person, and my body and brain has been severely compromised by brain and nervous system psychotronic implants and a 70 pound weight gain caused by drugs. Their constant drugging, mind-control techniques, and brain hacking during my dreams has fractured my psyche somewhat, as I tried to explain to Dale earlier today. I am not schizophrenic. This dream is the result of a drug-induced schizophrenia caused by my self's flight from my body. The person offered the rings in the dream a couple of nights ago wasn't me, but it wasn't an evil alter ego either. My real self is in here, in my soul, in my spirit, but even in my dreams I am now presenting a "fake self" to the Nazis--except my real self was in the dream, watching too. I'm not happy about this erosion of my once healthy psyche but it actually is another defense at self-protection of my real self. It is not schizophrenia, but, I will admit, a psuedo-schizophrenia that does bother and disappoint me, even though I know that the drugs are the cause of it.
I do not have a normal mind. I have an "Aryan" mind (possibly the result of a previous incarnation), which is very unemotional and telepathic, in a word, an autistic mind. I suffered terribly as an autistic in a normal world, so I had to learn how to develop a more human, emotional personality to co-exist with an Aryan mind. I am not saying I did it perfectly. I just did it the best I could. Being lonely and isolated from an early age, I became very comfortable and chatty conversing with my own self--option, possiblilites, hypoheses, and sometimes, hooking into an obsessive-compulsive loop. And yes, it is fair to say I am neurotic and weird and different, but I was healthy and productive until the implants were put in me. One of the consequences of the implanst (from what I can tell) is to make the human mind more Aryan, more telepathic, more thinking in terms of images. But that is the exact opposite of what is healthy for my brain. I need, I HAVE to work at being more verbal, more logical, more sociable. So I am now overdosing on an Aryan brain, and losing my ability to function well as a human in the process. That is not schizophrenia--that is fricking too much overload on a brain that had a healthy homeostasis to reality before. Nothing I can do about it, esp on the risperdol. all i can do is think in images. Not able to interact with reality at all.
Well, Nazis will be Nazis, nothing I can complain about that. But it would be nice to get some support, some backing, some help from people who should be my allies, who have benefited greatly from what I have offered, and instead I find myself, as before, all alone on point, having to deal with intractable realities and psychological insecurities of those who can only see me through a filter of adolescent pshycological immaturity as a securtiy risk. i could go on more, maybe i should, but unlike my hidden would be allies who read my words to use as weapons, I cannot help but act with spiritual maturity and honor to protect those who have absolutely no problem throwing me under the bus. So I just gotta say two things. First of all, insofar as I am healthy enough and capable enough, I hope to leave a written record for the future as I engendered it. Second of all, a word of warning. I am too fucked up to do any research or figure antyghing out. Alan Turing is milked dry, castrated, and brainfried on hormonal changes and drugs (oooh, sounds really schizoid, huh? Go fuck yourselves, those with no metahporical mind whatsoever). However, while I am not able to function, I guarantee you the Nazis will be bery busy. And I am too sickl to do anything about it. I am fighting to preserve what is left of my mutilated body, mutilated mind, and hidden self and spirit. Takes all the eneryg i have.

well i was wrong

well i was wrong--forces of evil continue to impact body. cant stop crying from physical pain, and mental depression suffering and anguish. think im on some kind of puschotropic. leaves me drugged. barely able to move. because i cant move i cant exercise and now my bad back and spine is complaining loudly they arent getting exercise. cant even stretch them out. dont know if im ever going to be able to exercicse again. over two weeks. so fucked up. so lifeless. no energy. just pain. on top of that i think ive got a kidney infection and that may be part of pain. im not able to pee, even tho im drinking lots of water. there is no urine. im wondering im going to have chronic kidney problems for rest of my life because those goddamned fucking pigs messed with inner plumbing when they castrated me. i may end up going to hsopital. i know there is nothing i can do for kidney infection pain. then there is the drugs. i cry and cry overhopelessness of situation. i pray for death. release. something sanything. jsut no mars, no tme travellign. no astral planing. i prefer death. how much suffering can one person take before they die. seems all i do is suffer in pain and pssychotlogical chemical torture. brain is rushing again. will take major drugs alcohol to try to sleep. Pain. Pain. Pain. God end my misery. please endmy misery.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Kidney infection?

Kidney infection? Once again, worried about my kidneys--have intuitively worried about my kidneys for years, starting in 1999, when the only MD GP who really seemed interested in my total health, told me that she was worried because I had protein in my urine. But I moved and went through a string of doctors, all of whom seemed to misdiagnose rather than diagnose my problems. Then right before the Great Lithium Fry started, Rebecca, a DOM told me that she thought that I had a chronic low grade kidney infection. I've been worried about my kidneys and their palpable tenderness since then. The naturopaths told me to make sure to take clay to eliminate toxins through intestines rather than my overstressed kidneys (they could tell how overstressed they were by feeling my organs). The problem is that the virus download causes so much abnormal heavy metal toxins that have to pass through the kidneys, and it is too much. Now I'm dreaming that I have a kidney infection, and am wondering if that pain in my thoracic pain (seems kind of high for kidney pain to me, but what do I know?) that wraps around to my frontal ribs is kidney pain. I plan to take some more clay later before I go back to bed, to see if I can relieve the stress on my poor kidneys. I've certainly been stressed out on toxins for over a week now. I can tell by my grotesquely swollen face, and my severe energy drain to the point that I spend most days sleeping, and barely able to walk. After the incident with the cops coming to my door, I realized that I am deliberately being set up to "go off" in a public setting, with police, or at the hospital or wherever, so that these PIB's can manipulate and control me further. I think that my familial genes have been tampered with on BOTH my paternal and maternal sides (more on the maternal side later) to be hyperaggressive, cortisol-induced stressed and paranoic to the point of rage and violence. But I'm not really a raging or violent person, so that while I might emote rage or violent anger, like cursing and pounding the head of a mop into the floor, really I get over it quickly. But I realize now that I have to be careful--I am being set up to act out in such a way that they can move to contravene against my freedom. Anyway the worst might be over. I sure hope so. Warren, who is the face of the Nazi faction in my dreams, appeared in my dreams about a week ago. I think that was a signal that the Nazis were going to make a major push. Fair to say that indeed they have. Dream this afternoon (slept nearly four hours from 11-3) was that Warren was being told to pack his bags and get out of my mom's house. I didn't really live there but he was coordinating his activities from there. He wanted to give me a check to compensate for my suffering. It read $3919.00 for a kidney infection. I turned the check over in my hands and thought $4000 for the hell that I'v been put through? Then in my head I began calculating the lost wages over the last seven years as I have been prevented from working, and I realized that I wasn't going to accept his offer. But I was weak and tired and hungry from the extended illness, and I was craving pizza, so I went to find a pizza place I knew, before I thought about any kind of counterclaim offer. Still weak, sick and tired. Going back to bed for a little bit, but am going to take some clay first, to try to relieve my stressed kidneys (causes the toxins to eliminate through the bowels rather than the kidneys),

Worthless rings

Worthless rings--committment bands-that is what I dreamed I was offered in a dream. Three bands of worthless base metals and cheap diamonds. even in my dream i knew the rigns were worthless... I can only guess the PIBs are once again trying to get me to have some spiritual conversion they can exploit. Only thing is that I have no passion, no desire, and therefore no capacity for transforming love. I am capable of love, just not creative and generative love. My body is growing worse and worse as I can barely drag myself thru days. i try to do at least one task a day. i want to much to work out but im so sick that i dont think i can do anything. another wortheless day.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Up and down

Up and down. Woke up feeling so good, I couldn't wait to tackle all the items on my todo list. First thing was yoga. My back is so stiff and spasmed, it was first on list. I knew better than to go to yoga class because te download begins so heavy that I literally can not move. So I attempted to do an abbreviated class in my living room, download began anyway. Same thing. So sick with autism and practical muscle paralysis I could barely move. That was two hours ago and I still havent recovered. Tried drinking a protein shake with fruit and sunflower nuts for energy, but results very weak. I know what is the matter. It is too much cortisol/adrenaline in my body. I suffer from cushings syndrome, and the downloads aggravate it, but I already have so much adrenal in body, that the body just shuts down. I know this because I am clear now, that I, along with my aunt Peggy, my dad, and my brother John have suffered from cushings through familial genes and that is what causes the weight gain and hyperglycemia, bad temper, ect (tho I have to say my temper is fine except when I am all cortisoled up). I now believe that the Clan McGregor were genetically tampered with, to ramp up cortisol/adrenaline, and this is what historically made them such violent misfits. It also causes Cushing syndrome. I know that I have had this for years (never will forget the reaction that I had the first time I ate a candy bar on an empty stomach--as an 18 year old teen, I had the same reaction that I have now when te download begins. Weakness, overwhelming need to shut eyes and feeling faint. The exact same sensation happened to me when i was in my late thirties, and a dentist gave me an adrenaline shot. I nearly passed out and the dentist told me to never get an adrenaline shot again, that I was allergic to it. But adrenaline and cortisol shots are all my body is taking, and whether because of the castration or because the PIBs have amped the dosage, my body is now suffering from complete adrenal collapse. I am trying to get the energy to do small things like sweep the floor or clean the bathroom. Can't even do that. Body hurts a lot now. desperately need to work out do yoga but cant. Need to lay down. sleep.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

risperdol gone

risperdol gone which is good news since i am barely functional on risperdol. and severely autistic. now i am on whqat i was before--the goddamned drugs tha t leave my legs cramped up in constant nerve pain, can't even walk around the house except in the most painful and crippled of hobbling. And the energy drain. It is so hard to get up and do anything--simple things, like make peanut butter toast for breakfast or coffee. dont know if the castration means that i am never going to feel human again, but I did have an epiphany. No matter how badly I feel, or how hopeless or unsupported, I have to get up and fight for the future, not for me, but for future generations. That means, Tita, as truly crappy as you feel, you have got to get up with your painful legs and enervated, half-dead body, and move. I want so much to be able to work out. I havent done any exercise in over 10 days, and my body hurts from being locked up, but with my leegs like this i cant do anything. So i have to do what I can do. Start by cleaning my trashed house as much as i am able. so much to do, but so little energy. have to try. for the future.

later...clearly gaining weight. nothing i can do about it. i can barelyh hobble around the house, much lesdo any kind of exercis. especially worried because i think the muscles in thighs and upper arms sturning to fat. great. now that im castrated i go from being a whale to a slug. id be angry if i could care. so fucking depressing. just hjave to hold on. for the future. God help me

Monday, July 26, 2010


risperdol. so goddamned sick barely functional. spent most of day in bed too sick to anystimuli. eyes need to be shut. listen to music and fantasoze. rememberber risperdol from before. six weeks in fuking mental hospital. all i could do was lay in bed and fantasize. and suffer. suffering is beyond imaging. psychotic min. blank mind. no emotion. just longing for death. muscles fucked up cannot stand, barely walk. have to prop up arms to floss because arms to weak to l\floss. yep. risperdol. kicker is the high blood pressure. pibs sent scops to my door. thought the fuckers were taking me to involuntary psychiatric hospitalization, btut just did stupid shit let me go . realized what i already knew. severely autistic. cant look anyone in eye. dont want to atalk to anyone. need to talk to family about bday, but too sick to talk to anyone. really depressed. so much to do but too sick to do anythng. dreamed someone was telling me all about the renovations being done to a house, bragging as if i would be happy. in dream i was just wondering what kingd of jerk, i dont even live there. thats right u stupid fucks u r driving me insane. risperdol drives me right out of my house. got a lot going on. only thing i can do is listen to music. so sorry for all the anger i have but it is the drugs. i recognize this rage from risperdol, autism before. i want to trash my house but no k it got to live here. still good people trying to help me taking the brunt of anger directed at pibs, cops today, the high heeled shoes at zangara dog\dge/ so sorry. too sick to explain myself. brain cant think logicall . only fantasize. fortunately it is nite. fantasize all nite.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

seriously catatonic

seriously catatonic--barely able to move. can hardly move arm for mouse or typing. massive effort to move head. so fucked up every which way. praying for death. already made up mind what i will do if aryan pigs start getting in my head. i know they dont give a fuck about my body or soul, just want my brain to power their goddamned ships and their goddamned dying race. dying because they r not fit to live. no heroic measures to keep me alive. i have a soul. death is welcome. more welcome than the knowledge than\ i helped to save a psychotic, evil completely lifeless and joyless race to live. dont know if i will ever know joy, life, vitality again. got som dhea to try to pep me up. at my best i feel like eighty year old woman with foot in grave, at worst i wish for drug to obliterate my consciousness. going to bed now. not in good shape. stupi fucking goddamned pigs thinik they have done something special, fucking goddamned pigs, read the story of samson, i will bring your your goddamned satanic asses down by life or death, the latter being preferable to me now.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Think I know why I felt subhuman all morning

Think I know why I felt subhuman all morning--I believe that I was abducted again last nite. I am not positive, but I am feeling a small raised scab at the base of my skull that I have felt before when I was abducted. With the heat of the summer (though thankfully, it has finally cooled off), and my nervous, hair-ruffling mannerisms, I think I would have felt it before, if the puncture had occurred before last nite. God knows I felt badly enough to have some heavy duty abduction abuse going on. Words cannot describe how dead I felt when I woke up this morning. When I feel that badly, I watch tv, but even tv could not get me out of an emotionally/spiritually dead place. I felt absolutely nothing as I flipped through channels. I felt as though my mind was in a blasted, psychotic, utterly alienated dead zone, and I truly prefer death to such a state. I finally got out of the state--relatively quickly. I decided to try the same "medicine" that worked before when I was fried on lithium--heavy doses of alcohol. When I was fried on lithium, I remember sitting down with my then roommate to watch "The L Word," a drama about lesbians in southern California. As a lesbian I don't get very many opportunites to see shows about lesbians, so of course I eagerly identified and empathized with the characters, even though I am not a "cosmopolitan" type lesbian at all. I had seen the show a few times and enjoyed it, until the one night I was so fried on lithium that I wasn't in reality. Still the show was on, and I dutifully sat on the couch to watch it. To my surprise, I was so fucked up, that the show made absolutely no sense to me. I could hear the words as discrete units being spoken, and I could see the images but I had no idea of what was really going on--the thread of the plot and dialogue. Then, I started drinking whiskey, HEAVILY, and the strangest thing happened. All of a sudden the show started making sense, and I became emotionally interested, understanding of, and invested in what was happening. Now that was really odd, because normally, when I am healthy, heavy drinking cocoons and disconnects me from reality. Normally, if I began heavy drinking, I would lose interest in the program and nod off, but with the lithium frying my brain, the alcohol actually helped tune me into, rather than out of reality, which my poisoned brain could not do on its own. Very strange, but experience since then has taught me that there is no denying it. So around noontime, I went to eat breakfast, but I decided to try a little medicine, and took three stiff shots of vodka on an empty stomach before taking food. I don't even like vodka; I buy and drink it as medicine to help me sleep or knock me out when I feel like shit. The medicine worked this time for sure. Almost immediately I could sense the difference. The emotional deadness lifted, and I started to respond to the story on the TV. I remember I was watching an old Humphrey Bogart movie, and before he lost consciousness, he kept seeing Lauren Bacall in his imagination telling him over and over again, "you're allright Vincent, you're allright", and I felt that transposed in my own head, "You're allright Medeita, you're allright." I didn't feel allright. I truly felt abysmally suicidal--a hopelessness and despair so heavy that I didn't think I was going to ever feel better. But all I needed was some heavy liquor, and a beautiful woman with a smoky voice telling me that I was going to be allright. Of course I wish I could be more like Vince--change my identity and escape to a foreign land, but when you feel as bad as I felt this morning, small victories are big ones. I'm still not well at all. I have to edit my writing because I am making serious grammar errors that normally I would not make. I'm still very sick, though I can get up and move about. I am too sick to read or to work through my thoughts in writing. I wanted to find some old X-files video tapes because there are some memories from that show going through my head, but when I watched the X-files years ago, it was for enjoyment, not research, and unfortunately, I taped over all my taped shows. Anyway, just documentint the PIB's latest violation and abuse--thinking on some things but I am still too sick to begin to make sense of it all.

....later....I am not positive but I am thinking that maybe I felt so bad because the accelerated metabolism that the heavy virus downloads cause results in glutamate excitoxicity. Because I am naturally autistic, I have a much lower threshold for that excitoxicity than the PIB's allow and account for. From what I understand alcohol inhibits the glutamate (from inhibiting) which is why I feel better....just thinking. Bad news--glutamate excitoxicity causes brain neurons to die off by the thousands. My poor brain. Not what it used to be...


subhuman--not only because im so sick i can barely function but because i dont care. i have no feelings, no desire of any kind except for a good friend like Chief. lobotomized in spirit and body, and if the pibs have their way in my brain. every nite the only thing i pray for is that God gives me the strength to resist their ultimate objective--plugging me into the computer that controls them, and resisting any kind of audible download so that i will channel for them. that is all. that and for a good friend like chief. I have done what i came here for, and now i just dont care. funny watching myself in relations to others. funny how someone with no sense of self has all kinds of people looking and smiling at you while they look to exploit you. i dont care. i really dont. they took away my ability to feel sexually, and as a result i dont feel emotionally or spiritually. i wish iwere healthy enough to do a little yoga. my back is really stiffening up bad. i dont have the energy to do a down dog. i cant hold myself up on my own arms. with the never ending nerve pain in my legs i cant stand long enough to do my dishes. that is okay. i no longer care about a body that no longer feels. done what i came to do, ready to go.

Friday, July 23, 2010

brief update on truly horrendous events

brief update on truly horrendous events. i am in severe pain with my legs. not sure why. i know that i was castrated on the nite of july 21, as part of the satanic-aryan sacrifice and agenda for me. havent felt well since. dont know what they did but it is getting grimmer grimmer. think they messed with nerves in sacrum and solar plexus. i dont know if that is causing th pain(even now as i write i can feel the constant ache--as if my muscle were fatigued from aerobic. better than the intermittent nerve pain that hits me in pressure points. i could be really fucked. the implants were put in when my organs and nervous syster were a certain way. now they are a differnet way antd the implants r causing excruciating pain. i keep wishing that my legs were amputated to take away the pain. im tirefd of being in pain, and know that i can no longer fight it. without amputation, i long for drugs. i want to spend the rest of my life drugged up so that i dont have to feel the pain anymore. the other thing that could be causing the leg pain is just increased implant download. my arms are extraordinarily weak as well (just not in pain). Why was i castrated? Because the Aryans are more stupid than evil. The whole thing ties in together with why they are sterile, and their plans for the future. guess what--assholes--i think it was a two pronged attack--i wont cooperate either way. My hatred for them knows no bounds. i wish death and extermination upon their entire population, including the thousands of offsprin from my stolen eggs. I don't wish to do them harm. I just want evolution to take its course and exterminate a race that doesn't have enough life force and vitality to live (you understand darwinism dont you pigs) all of this though is for another time . i dont feel well . hurts to sit. have to take mind off pain....later
I've been here before--recognize the numbness of legs and inability to literally lift off and walk. the pain is new and quite severe and never ending, but this is more of the same old psychotropic shit. id better get used to it. now the GODDAMNED PIECE OF SHIT FUCKING ASSHOLE ARYAN NAZIS got a whole new biological environment to work with, now that they have cut out my own essential life force. so i can expect the whole range of drugs to be thrown at me again, while they try to convince their warped deluded psychotic minds of their rightness of their diagnosis and treatment. and all so I will save andor serve your pathological asses or those of your reptilian satanic overlords. thanx for the laugh. got me away from awareness of pain for a brief moment.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

It's official--I am being forcefed lithium

It's official--I am being forcefed lithium--or a sister poison. I am gaining dramatic weight again. recognize the pound a day syndrome. gaining weight on scale, gaining weight in my clothes (what the fuck am i going to wear in a week?). gaining weight just by my own eyesight. so fucking depressing to look down and see my belly spreading just like magic overnite, like it did for the first time aafter i was put on this poison shit. bad magic happening again and im absolutely helpless to do anything about. no appetite. no energye. miserable slug like feeling wishing for death to escape this painful fat lifeless body. and it is painful. deep deep and constant leg cramps in the muscles. along the tendons my legs feel like some kind of ripping, burning tearing muscle going on. very painful to walk even from truck to store. painful at pressure points, even as i just sit. scared to death to drink because i cant handle a pound a day, how will i handle two pounds a day> On top of that my damned truck isnt running. I figured out a while back that there is a synchronistic relationship between my truck and i. and everytime, I endure yet another round of painful, body and soul destrroying drugging, my truck goes on the fritz. I tried to see if i could fix it, but i am so sick i cant even lay flat on back much less undersatnd what I am seeing. tried to watch tv, but most of it is meanningless givberish. cant focus on what i need to focus on. too much pain to continue. dont feel welll. dont know what they fucking did to my fucking kidneys. not able to hold my pee, but for all my frequent trips to the bathroom, imm hardly peeing. incredible, insatiable thirst for water, my poor kidnesy. i think my body temperature problems are caused by the stress on them. i think i am going to suffer, sooner or later, from kidney failure. right now i dont care. i know the alt healer would say take the gut detiox to relieve stress from kidneys but im too sick to take any medicine. bought some real bread today. whats the point of paying six dollars for a loaf of gluten free bread when these goddamned fuckers are just going to put poison in my body. life aint worth living. body aint worth healing. waste of my time and money and effort.

sick sick sick

sick sick sick--barely able to move or keep eyes open with these psyhotropics in me. Head is so heavy and hurts so bad. body is very weak and in a lot of pain becauese i am too sick to be able to stretch out spine. couldnt even do a down dog or a childs pose if i tried. don t know why i have such pressure point "nerve burn in my legs. overall i am a total wreck, unbelievable suffering, but its what i have had to endure for the lat several years of my life. i know there is no escape bu t death, and since i dont believe in suicid have to depend on God to release me. My persecutors dont believe in God. They believe a computer intelligence is the principal agent responsible for the actions on Earth, and that the lesser entities that stand between us and it are what I call "demons". But I know there is a God, and I know I suffer at the hands of the PIB's because of this belief and conviction, and because I act by the values which such a belief engenders. That does not fit in with their plans at all.
As sick as I am, I am forcing myself to drink a cup of coffee in hopes that it can perk me up so that I can accomplish one or two chores today. I am supposed to have a mammogram tomorrow. I dont even know what time. so i have to find the letter--not an easy thing to do when I am so sick that even opening my eyes hurt. I could castigate myself for being disorganized but that is who I am, and organizing my life is very low priority right now. I could skip the mammogram but i havent had one in over five years, and one of the most shocking sights I remember seeing as a college student, interning in a hospital, was that of a dying woman who openly sported on her defiantly unclothed chest, two tiny circular bandages where her breasts had just been removed in an unsuccessful attempt to save her life. She was stuck in the stage of "anger", and vociferously hated God, the doctors and nurses, her family, the conscientious and gentle priest attempting to minister to her, and well, just about everything. I felt spared of her malevolence, but I felt that she wanted me (and everyone else) to see the ravaged dismemberment of her feminine flesh. I didn't turn away. Anyway, I don't think I am high risk for breast cancer, and I did just have a doctor do a manual exam, but a mammogram every few years is probably a good idea. Given my gender identity issues, I don't how I would handle losing one or both of my breasts. I've seen what it looks like, and I don't wish it for myself or anyone.
So I have to be well enough to find the letter (which right now seems like a herculean undertaking), and I have to do my laundry. My laundry basket is overflowing, and I have got to get my clothes clean. Laundry wouldn't be such a difficult chore if I had a washer and dryer, but driving to the laundry mat and being around people when I am so sick is onerously challenging.
I can skip cleaning my dirty house even tho it drives me crazy, especially in this heat. But I have to get up and moving because I think that the Illuminati Nazis are preparing for another hit. (I know that they won't stop until they succeed. Their agenda is world domination, and they will do whatever it takes to destroy the greatest threat to that agenda--the USA).
I know that the Illuminati have begun to realize that their own pride-driven web chatter is giving them away. There is a "mole" who posts at RMN who I strongly suspect of evil intent. That person may even be a "double agent" but following the posts of that person has taught me that the Illuminati now curb their web chatter in anticipation of a move. So, when I read that Ben Fulford is taking a 3 week hiatus from posting anything of significance, I have to wonder, are preparations in the works for another hit in 3 weeks? (The way the Illuminati works is that, even before July 15-18, they had alternative strategic plans already in place dependent on the outcome of their proposed, but foiled hit). Of course the alternative is that there are intense, behind-the-scenes negotiations going on, but I firmly believe that the Illuminati will not negotiate in good faith (which doesn't mean that you can't negotiate with them, but that, as Bilbo Baggins said, "In all your calculations, leave room for a live dragon."
So, as sick as I am, I have to stay moving (because like a shark, I have to keep moving in order to think). I don't think best when I sit down and try to think. I think best when I'm running (in the good old days of my youth), walking, washing dishes, watching tv, listening to music or (nowadays, because I'm so physically handicapped) playing solitaire. It is as if concentration on a mundane reality, allows the deeper thoughts to play and percolate. So, I have to move. Indeed, I wonder if the intense drugging of the past few days is to prevent me from being able to think clearly. Then God will have to inspire someone else to pick up the slack which is what just happened. I can't do it all myself, especially since I am not privy to so much necessary information. In retrospect, I think that I could have anticipated the Gulf laser beam attack if I had just had a little more information. I had a lot of pieces of the puzzle--just not the key). There are two levels of information that, like a shark, I constanly need to be working on--the immediate processing of facts of what is going on in the world, so that I can catch the hidden but imminent and lethal moves of the Illuminati, AND a constant and growing awareness of their deeper idenities, histories, and motivations, so that I can better anticipate their moves. I recently got a big piece of the puzzle of the latter type, but I am unable to follow through on it because I am so sick. Maybe that is the point of keeping me all drugged up. For surely I am aware that the Nazis still are wielding powerful tools, and their control over me is one of them.
Having said that, they do not yet wield one tool over me--the control over my thoughts or emotions. The development of thought control or psychic mind control iis something I really want to spend a significant time writing about when I am healthy, because I think that is a big factor in Aryan evil. Because they are psychics, and relate telepathically, they have learned to curb and deny spontaneous emotional impulses and images for harmony. But it is that chaotic, open and free mind play that makes for creativity, true intellectual genius, and indeed, a fully developed human. In the early years of their current civilization development, I think the Aryans became PC (politically correct) overseers, judges and ultimately critics of what went on in other people's head, until they repressed all psychic material of what Jung would term as "shadow". But it is the acceptance and integration of the shadow that makes for a truly alive and creative human being.
Our American society currently is crippled by a PC thought process. What politically correct thinking has done is polarize us into two opposite camps, neither of which is capable of dialogue or relationship to the other side. PC thinking has so blinded us that we are not capable of seeing the total truth of a matter, but of only hewing to politically correct and narrow slices of the truth. When one only sees their side of the truth, they become blind to the whole truth. (And Mr. Glenn Beck, I think you really are a good guy who desires the good, so my heartfelt, spiritual recommendation to you, is that you open up to an honest dialogue with someone like Rev. Jim Wallis, so that you can open up to the whole truth before your body follows your mind and goes dark with the kind of narrow beam vision that PC thinking engenders). PC thinking has led the journalists of the liberal media (who should have known better, but who unfortunately, have not been educated in critical thinking and discernment, but rather in intellectual compliance), to lead the charge of the American voter lemmings over the cliff, ignoring all the red flags that were there, in clear sight, for "all those with eyes to see".
Now, with all the budding psychics around, there is the possibility of an even graver danger to genuine human freedom and human creativity--PC thought of the inner mind and vision. Now, one of these days when I feel better, I am going to go into this in a deeper, more persuasive and expository manner, because I honestly believe that the profound evil which afflicts our Aryan ET relatives is rooted in an original PC curbing of the wide range of emotional thoughts that goes through a healthy person's head. NO doubt they did it to prevent chaos and anger from overtaking their telepathic population, but what they also did was deny the Jungian "shadow" from being integrated into themselves, but the shadow has to go somewhere. It cannot be denied. So it went, and goes onto "people of color, and historically the Jews--another interesting topic for another time--and a denied shadow gains force until it becomes an all-consuming hate, and that is where it is now.
When I was young, a teenager, I was handicapped by my telepathic ability because I could sense or read all the "shadow material" around me, and being psychologically and spiritually immature, I took it as the fullness of reality and took it personally, and felt sorry for myself because I was so hated and so misunderstood, and as a corollary, I was so much smarter and superior to all the people who clearly weren't empathic or telepathic. It was only as I matured and developed a spiritual life that I realized that all the little thoughts and images that go through a person's head or imagination are not the total truth of the matter. They are just datum leading the person, hopefully, to action or conviction. "Negative" or "shadow" datum and/or images are just as important as positive ones in the creation of a healthy well-integrated self. Without this, the human being becomes a power-tripping Aryan, "thought-policing" all undesirable images and impressions, and ultimately (because they must go somewhere) onto a minority of choice. I am a creative person because I resisted PC thinking in college (look at my GPS--every "C" grade I received was the result of me insisting upon my right to free thought--I wish more of our brightest and best had a few "C"'s). Now I find myself resisting "PC emotional-thought policing" by telepaths. It is because I know what kind of a warped, stunted human personality that develops. Jesus said it best, "don't complain about the mote in somone else's eye until you can pick out the log in your own eye." There are a lot of psychics out there, advancing rapidly in telepathic power, who haven't done their own personal spiritual work, and are becoming adepts at picking up on the multitude of motes in others, while handicapped by their own logs of spiritual immaturity and psychological insecurity (self-hatred). Then they see, amplify, and misinterpret the motes obscured by their own inner logs. And the suffering goes on....for all parties included.
More on this for another time. Have to move while i still can. body is stiffening up, got to do things.

What is worse than a lost day

What is worse than a lost day, unable to do anything, not even tv watch. slept all day long as body tried to accomodate the drugging. now it is nite, and i cant sleep at all. sick beyond imagining with headache,, nerve pain, blasted mind, know im on psychotropics. got blasted alienated \psychotic mind ive experienced so many times before. back all fucked up. too sick to care. severe nerve pain in legs dont know what isc ausing it wish to god i took take something to et rid fof pain. go to sleep. my porro body cant handle this toretrue mush longer.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Deeply drugged

Deeply drugged--now I am on some kind of somnolence causing drug--hrd to do much of anything. struggle to stay awake. what is the matter? dont the PIB's want me to go crazy with rage like the rest of their mind controlled, brain-implanted victims. Is that the whole purpose? To set all of humanity at war with each other while they milk our stress and fear and terrorized hormones. Well, I may be totally crazy out of mind, but I have a strong spirit, and self-will, and I control my behavior, and I will not hurt another person. Bit tjat osm't really their game with me is it? Otherwise they wouldd not have me seadated on whatever shit I am sedated on right now. No, they are just trying to get greater control over me so that I do their bidding. So many things going on. Wish I could sepeak abut th psychics who keep invading my privacy (peeping toms and voyeurs-_I really question giving the weapon of psychic invasion to psychologically insecure and spiritually immature people) but that is a delicate, involved piece and I can't go into it right now. Also, another interesting tidbit about the "anna code." The guy seems flaky but I watche an hour of him and he is right on. Maybe it was the viewing the video which led to me being severely drugged. The anna code (the Rose Code, the "Holy Grail", the great secret of the Templars/fremasons--it is all the one and same and it has gotten me thinking but again, I am too sick to organize thoughts. Then there is the question of war. As I see Sec Hillary Clinton fighting for peace in the hostile state of Pakistan, all I can do is pray. Pakistan is a lot like us. They have a rogue state security agency that operates independently of their visibly manifest govt. I suspect their state apparatus was critical in the setup and implementation of 9/11, and my guess is that their rogue security (ISS?) is still whipping up mischief with our rogue security agencies, and that is why Hillary is there. I am very pessimistic about prospects for peace, but you gotta try. Even if diplomacy doesn't bear immediate fruit, a seed can be planted that will blossom later. So hang in there, Hillary, for us. I am praying for you--the only hting I can do since I am so fucked up on these drugs.


SO GODDAMNED FUCKED UP ON PSYCHOTROPICS--ARE THESE STUPID MOTHERFUCKERS FEEDING ME LITHIUM? CAN'T BELIEVE THESE GODDAMNED PIGS. Woke up so fucked up that the first thing i wanted to do was chug vodka--first thing in hte morning--anything to get rid of the violent rage in me. want to smash doors, slash wrists, scream at top of my lungs. this is not normal rage--this is fucked up caused by psyhcotropics rage--whether lithium risperdol or god only knows what some kind of stupidass shit. think it could be lithium because gainign weight losing appetite. in yoga yesterdaqy, too goodamned stiffly catatonic to hold pose. i am so glad id itn pay for the yoga class for bad back . any money for yoga is a total waste. becauwse i cant do anything. body is so fucked up but now mind is more fucked pup thant nbody. stupidass pricks . thanks i get. to get so drugged p that brain cant fucntion. you fucking gocdamned idiots dont understand danger we are in, and i cant help cuz im so goddamned fucked up i cant do anything. except have to get water. feel im going to be nonfuktional for a few days . bbetter get water.
Definietly lithium. catatonic, weight gain, blaoting, want to just get drunk so i can feel human. recognize that. from before. on lithium, being drunk acutally makes me feel better.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

It seems to me that the drugging is getting worse

It seems to me that the drugging is getting worse, but I am handling it better (as in I am not so damned sick, that all I can do is lay down with a sheet around my head). However the brain fog, the migraines, the muscle spasms, and the nausea are worse. I have one more session with my alternative therapists, and in a way I realize it is time to move on. They have diagnosed my diabetes, my autism, and the heavy metal poisoning in my body to the satisfaction of the PIB's. So now that Im detoxint the heavy metals, they have amped up dosage of brain implants, which totally negates any progress. I am sick, hardly able to move or exercise. I suffer from sickening sweaty hot flashes all the time. THere is way too much adrenaline in my sysetem for me to function well. as a matter of fact i cant write this post. im too fucked up. just going to lay down.

Saturday, July 17, 2010


Nauseated. Sick. Pretty much all day. Oppressively hot. Stepping out of my air cooled bedroom into the rest of my home is a shock. Reminds me of being in Las Vegas, and stepping out of a casino and into the hot Nevada sunshine of a July day. Stll, this is abnormal for me. I've lived in Albuquerque for over 10 years and I should be comfortable in this summer heat. So it is the alien virus and implant downloads that is makng me sick. One quick aside. Another kudo for me. Mr. Robert Reza, the man who went on a killing spree at Emcore on Monday--the one that I was "paranoid" and "knew" was an Illuminati hit, left a "rambling manifestion" of 47 pages before his rampage. While I have been able to find nothing about it on the Web, I did listen to the local news which revealed that the manifesto talked about Mr. Reza saying that he had "implants in his brain" that caused him to do things he didn't want to do. I believe you, Mr. Reza. RIP. And the murdered victims, too. You were not a monstrous psychopath. You were a victim of Nazi/Illuminati/extraterrestial technology that manipulated your brain chemicals and mind images until, under the duress of added "zap", you snapped. They wanted me to snap, too. (So, my question is, is the extra duress done on an individual basis or a localized geographical one--such as ELF beams being applied to an area, or atmospheric contamination?). It is by the grace of God that I didn't "snap" though I certainly was hyperly compulsive all day that day. I can thank years of spiritual discipline and maturity for being able to maintain my composure. But I have a great deal of empathy and regret for what Mr. Reza must have gone through these last few years. For I have learned, both by reading and my own personal experience of relationship breakup with Colleen, that one of the primary motives of the slave implants is to break up relationships and support networks. They target people who already are autistic or introverted and thus have greater difficulty in intimate and social relations anyway. Then they set to undermine that victim's world, leaving them isolated, compulsive, and enraged. The mood alterations are courtesy of the chemical changes caused by the implants. They cause an increase in cortisol, because they literally are milking us for the adrenaline produced by the adrenal glands. The implanted victim learns to live in a permanent state of "flight or fight" fear caused by the extra stress. That is why I became so hyperactive. I always was hyperactive, but then, after the abductions, I went into hyperdrive hyperactivity--which is why I guess some people thought I was manic. Among other undesirable consequences, this extra cortisol causes hyperglycemia, which I think is what is responsible for makng me nauseated and sick. The body wants energy because it is in flight or fight mode, so it calls up for reserve energy in case it needs to run or fight, and the body releases the glucose, and for someone like me, who has cushing's syndrome, the hyperglyclemia is just too much. I think I was being given some kind of cortisol inhibitor, but either it has been withdrawn (got to milk me for my adrenaline), or else the implant chemical downloads have increased. Certainly I woke up very drugged, and just by looking at my swollen face I can tell the implant download has increased.

The nausea certainly increased after I read about the Russian-manufactured plane that crashed in Maine. It confirmed what I had strongly suspected all along. Barack Obama is in traitorous negotiations with the Russians. Almost certainly, the July 16/17th planned nuclear/space beam obliteration of a 5-state area in the Midwest, was ratified and confirmed during Medvedev's visit on 6/30. I was going to go back and research web pages and photos from that visit, but after the plane crash, there is no need to. My absolute worst fears are confirmed. It is hard to tell whether Barack Obama's election and presidency is more travesty or tragedy, but as a fellow victim of satanic abuse (I'm almost certain his family were involved in satanic activity, and exposed him as well) and mind control(in my case implants, in his, more psychological), I feel sorry for him on a certain level. However, as I said after the Gulf oil spill, this man furiously hates and wants to destroy America. He will not stop until he succeeds. He is pathological (God have mercy on his wife and children). He was supposed to be under house arrest by the military and forces of good, but it didn't work prior to July 15th, and as witnessed by the plane crash in Maine, it still isn't working. My God, how many bullets can this country dodge? The level of destruction these monsters are conceiving, and capable of unleashing is almost beyond imagination. We are not talking the destruction of a city--we are talking about destruction of wide swathes of the country--the entire Gulf Coast and 1/3 of America's fishing and oil industry; 5 states in the Midwest, and our agricultural/livestock heartland. They have got to move to completely restrain this guy. I fully remember reading on the web of how the Russian intelligentsia knew about Obama and his eventual rise to the presidency in the early 90's!!! At the time, it didn't bother me too much because I know full well that TPTB identify and promote (and set them up for control via blackmail), gifted individuals, and has been doing so for a long time. Sometimes their protege turns around and actually manages to accomodate both TPTB and the public good, as Bill Clinton did, wily politician that he was, but then they took their revenge for his shortcomings by stealing the Democratic primary from Hillary (yes there was massive fraud and media manipulation going on by TPTB who wantd to make sure they got another controlled inept to do their bidding). However, I know now that the Russians programmed and mind controlled Obama a long time ago before his public career--probably while he was in Pakistan, being groomed by the Illuminati security agencies. And he does not have the strength of character to resist his mind controllers.
On the positive side, the Midwest is still standing under God's sky today, and it does seem to me that, maybe, just maybe there may be some positive change underfoot. However, as long as Barack Obama has a Blackberry, or an office in the WH or a podium for him to act, this country is in danger. After he conspired wth the Nazis to unleash the Haitian earthquake, I said, "this guy is an anti-Christ, and anti-Christs bring a shitload of bad karma on to their people." Well, pray God the destruction of the Gulf's waters, economy, and industry is enough karmic retribution, and I beg the forces of good, get him out of there, before the satanic, mind-controlled puppet succeeds in doing even more horrific damage to our country. Anyway, that is what nauseated me for most of the night--implants downloading so I wouldn't make the connection? Or just heartsick disgust that this evil Manchurian platform of lies just won't quit, and still has access to the power to bring his evil deeds and intent to fruition?

Friday, July 16, 2010

Apparently the country is safe

Apparently the country is safe, and completely and blissfully unaware of the tragedy that nearly devastated us, and still is hanging over us. From a post I saw on RMN, I read of "unusual weather patterns" in the prairie "breadbasket." Those unusual weather patterns are what precedes the space beam weapons, so the space beams were part of the intended assault. Today, I think was to have been the day--just because an earthquake hit D.C., and one thing I know is that the Nazis like multiple points of attack. I bet the politicians and military (in the "know") who felt that d.c. earthquake were terrified. Scary times indeed. As for me, I am not so scared now as in pain. The drugging has started again, and it seems that the heavy metal detox only acts to intensify it. I think I was given some drug for the cushing's but it has been pulled, and I am suffering from severe hyperglycemia, a need to eat meat protein, headaches, and worst of all the problems with heat prostration which leaves me nauseated, migraining and sick. Now on top of that my back muscles are spasming so badly I am in severe pain. It is worse at the computer. Am I drugged so I won't write? I got a lot I want to write about but I am too sick to concentrate or focus. God must just use me as a pinch hitter in the 9th cause I am too sick to come out swinging in regular rotation, no matter how deep my desire to speak my piece. Try to remember tomorrow Tita, the yoga class and the (sigh ionce again, psychic reading mind, and what it means). Now i have lay to lay down. Hopefully i can get up later and do some cooking (since it is so hot i d rather cook at night , but now im in pain. goin to lay down.

Thursday, July 15, 2010


OH MY GOD PART II--I have just remembered my dream from last night after waking up from the abduction torture at around 2ish. I think the dream tried to tell me the location of the terrorist attact. In my dream, I saw a complete map of the US, with the states outlined;. But there was a huge gaping hole of blackness right in the middle. As soon as I got up, I checked it out, but I can still remember where the blackness gaping hole was. KS, NE, southern part of SD, MN, IA and a little bit of MO and WI. This is from my dream. I can correlate it pretty well, but not 100%/ I am confident that it is 90+%. From what I remember, IL was untouched. This means two things. America's breadbasket would be devastated. I know for sure that one of the Nazi's main agenda is worldwide famine and starvation. Bingo. Also, in keeping with Obama's political objectives, he would wipe out the conservative heartland in time for the elections. Bingo. Because this would be an attack on the heartland, maybe Muslims would be set up to be the villains (coming from Canada?). Can't say for sure. Chicago/IL would be the remaining agricultural power, as well as the undeniably most powerful city in the heartland.
Because I saw just a complete blackness, gaping hole where these states should have been, I suspect a major nuclear blast that devastates everything. Also, I keep remembering the AFB where Buffett met up with Bush after 9/11--I think it's in NE--I want to say Offut base, but I am not sure. If I remember correctly that base is the heart of faction--looks like faction 2 pissed off the nazis big time. But that is the outline. God preserve our GOOD military and intelligence agents so that they can figure out the epicenter and prevent it. Amen


OH MY GOD!!!! I think I have just figured out what the PIB's didn't want me to see on RMN. It is a post originally written on 9/9/2001--2 days before the infamous Nazi attack on the New York Twin Towers.
In the previous post, I didn't mention how I knew that time had stopped for 45 minutes. I don't always reveal everything, preferring to ponder certain things for myself. THE TIME THAT WAS STOPPED WAS MY COMPUTER, MY BIOS TIME. This is precisely what this alert 9/9/01 poster was puzzled about. How did his BIOS time change? (I was a little confused about the computer clock glitch myself---why was my computer clock stuck on 2:05 am while my living room clocks said 2:45). It is the very same phenomenon portending the very same occurence again--a heinous terrorist attack to be unleashed upon America to give Obama an opportunity to "play the leader" (hell, it worked great for W, why not try it again?). What will it be? A nuclear suitcase bomb? (Watch out San Diego), a religious right "Christian" attack?, an "Aryan" American Nazi (of the patsy type) attack? My money is on the religious right "Christian" attack. It will not be done by Muslim extremists. From my memories of the abduction last night, I know that our satanic leader-in-name only, BHO, is personally and intimately involved. I also know, (despite all the media attempts to cover it up), that insofar as he has any positive regard and affiliation for religion, it is to Islam. He would never set up a Muslim terrorist as villains. But he despises Christianity, and would love to set up a "Christian" villain. No doubt that is why the liberal media have been going on and on about the "racism in the Tea Party." He intends to undermine the Republican movement by villifying the Tea Party. Now, let me say, I am a registered Democrat, and I am hoping and praying for a positive outcome for the Democratic Party in November, but before I am a voter-registered member of the Democrat Party, I am an American citizen, born, raised and educated in the democracy and republic on which this country was founded. The Tea Pary people and Republicans are American citizens and they have a right and a civic obligation to stand and vote for their principles, values, and traditions, just like the LGBT coalition (of which--onsider myself a part--and Code Pink, Hell's Angels, the NRA, and EVERYONE does). Furthermore, while I consider myself liberal, I consider many Tea Party people to be decent, hard-working and tax-paying Americans, and I don't get all excited by the rare extremists (who, from what I can tell, are checked by their own people) among them who yell out "fag" and "nigger" and spray preople with excited saliva, any more than I am ashamed of being part of the LGBT coalition, a very few of whom do things I find reprehensible--such as ACTUP interrupting worship services or those who advocate gross and/or flamboyant immorality. Nor am I ashamed of being liberal, because criminal activists who share the same affiliation as me beat up, or bite the ears of people with whom they disagree.
I'm not positive, but I think that it is the Christian right extremist/Tea Party affiliates who are being set up to take the hit.
When will it happen--according to the 9/9/2001 post, the BIOS disruption took place two days before the Nazi-initiated, Cheney/Rumsfeld-orchestrated, (and yes, I am sorry Republicans), Bush-endorsed (though I think they kept a lot of the details away from him) attack. That means it will happen on July 17th. This makes sense. For Catholics, July 16th is a holy day, being the feast of Our Lady of Mt. Carmel (very interesting spirituality associated with Mt. Carmel--don't have time to go into right now). However, if memory serves me right, NASA (NAZI, NAZI, NAZI--through and through) "landed" us on the moon on either 7/16 or 7/17 (what was the real UDT time?). So this is a significant date for the Nazis as well--they are occultically religious through and through--they don't leave dates to chance. They choose them for a very specific reason. They wanted us to flag the moon on 7/16 or 7/17. Then of course, there is the portentious date of 7/22. That is my birthday, but more importantly it is the feast day of Mary Magdalene--and for some reason, (haven't figured it all out yet), the Aryans and the occultists have extreme veneration for Mary Magdalene (among other things they believe her to be a progenitor--along with Jesus Christ--of the bloodline they consider most royal and auspicious).
Of course, it could be set up for next week. The experience of the last two years has taught me that the Nazis/Obama always wait until Hillary is out of the country before carrying out their nefarious deeds of destructive infamy. I suspect Hillary is the communicator/facilatator for the forces of good--and the Nazis always want the "Shadow of Good" govt. to be in disarray when they strike. If memory serves me correctly, Hillary will be going to Afghanistan, Vietnam, and Korea. All three of those are hot spots, and I have a pretty good understanding why she is going--but will they strike once she is out of the country? I don't know. According to the web, there have been 3 earthquakes in Chile (Nazi International headquarters--all underground of course), so the forces of good must know that the Nazis are up to something. But will it be enough? I don't know, but I know this. If Obama and the forces of evil pull off a major attack against our country, then all the people in the media (and they know who they are) who have been keep quiet about our freedom's greatest enemy, MUST come out and let the people know. So what if you are fired? So what if people think you are a flaky conspiracy theorist? WE CANNOT FIGHT AN ENEMY WHOSE STRONGEST TACTICAL ADVANTAGE IS THAT 98% OF THE POPULATION DOESN'T EVEN KNOW EXISTS). Grant amnesty to all the political figures who, whether from the greatest of motives to the basest, have been compromised, into cooperating and covering up this horrible truth, but for God's sake, give the people of our country a fighting chance against this hidden but powerful enemy. God help us all, and God bless the United States of America, and all the men and women of good, who lay their lives, fortune, and most sacred honor on the line for us. Amen.

PS--One last little tidbit--regarding the "hit on Apple/Steve Jobs/iphone. I had heard practically nothing about it today, until Brian Williams of NBC opined--"has Apple turned out a lemon, and what will they do about it". I don't like to target any one particular news network and God knows I spent the first 7 years of this century cursing Fox news for their uncritical support of the Cheney/Bush agenda, but they seem to have repented, and honesty compels me to state that the biggest supporters of the Barack Obama big lie of 2008 was NBC. So I must conclude that they are in collusion with the evil forces that put his illegitimate, fraudulent ass in power. So why are they trashing Apple? The Captain Sherlock duo (names escape me right now, and I don't have time to look them up), have clearly demonstrated how important computers and computer models were to 9/11 and subsequent acts of evil by the Nazis/ Is that the plan for the July act of terrorism--a huge cybersecurity breach? EMP? Crash of all computers (via manipulation of the BIOS clock), and total chaos and loss of financial transactions? Did Jobs refuse to go along, and that is why his company is now taking a hit? So many questions, so few answers, but I feel better. I'm gonna sing at the top of my lungs until you kill me you sons of bitches...

Abducted AND tortured again last nite

Abducted AND tortured again last nite--it is the second time this week. I know now when I am abducted. I can wake up and tell. Of course, it helps when I have outward confirmation--such as loss of time. I no longer bother to replace my batteries on my wall clock because my abductions by the Dark Lords' minions are so frequent that every other day I would have to be changing the time. I lost about 45 minutes in time last night. Furthermore, I was screaming during the abduction, just as I was two nights ago. I am not a histrionic personality nor do I give in to pain lightly (as a youngster I once peed my pants rather than cry "Uncle" to a cousin who was pinching me with pliers to see how much pain I could take), so for me to be giving out the full throated screams I remember, the pain must be terrible. God knows the drugging leading up to the abduction was terrible. I thought I was going to go into convulsions and coma. So what is the purpose of the torture? I know that Barack Hussein Obama is intimately involved, but I already know that he is a psychopathic satanic sadist, so what is the RATIONAL purpose??? Is it just punishment for daring to speak my mind? Well, guess what Mr PIB's--you are going to have to abduct and torture me every night, for I claim my birthright as a free woman, both nationally as a citizen, and spiritually as baptized in the Spirit Christian. I will continue to talk. Maybe envy is behind it all, since Obama knows nothing of freedom, citizenship, or the Spirit. Maybe they are trying to see how much I know, and being sadists, have internalized the use of torture and pain as the only true motivator. They certainly don't bother to ask me what I know, because I, being completely honest, would truthfully answer any questions that they ask. I don't know. I do know that the forces of evil are on the move. I found my access to RMN blocked, and while I found a way around the block I do not know how long I can keep it open. I do know this. The country and the forces for good are in extreme peril right now. For all the people who pray, please pray, especially for Hillary Clinton, who is the strongest force for the spiritual good and political democracy in this country. For all of those of you who are on the front lines, please be extraordinarily cautious--the forces of evil are on the move. I am too drugged up to do much. All I can do is pray. And I will. God bless all those fighting for us, protect us from evil. Amen. I don't mind being sacrificed. I've been abused and tortured for so long,, my life isn't worth much, so sacrifice me if it helps. I'll keep on screaming at night and keep on singing during the day. Amen.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

very very sick

very very sick--i think my brain is hsutting down. brain cant process stimuli anymore. looking at solitair deck eyes brain cant see all seven cards. headache started around noon. knew i was fucked up but i tried to plow thr but started suffering from the hyupothamalus, temperature regulation problem so very hot then start having chills. eye, optic nerve very very bad. now i wish lumbar spine puncture was today tho looking at swollen face dont know what causes it. very hyperglycemic again, feel like i did before i felt began being treated for cushings. must take one of four remaining fiornal, must knock out, head mgraine pain unbrearable. remembvering now that i was screaming last nite in my dream. was i abducted last nite? is that why i was screaming. screaming now. but more woried aobut myhypothalamus. know that this heat chills is not normal or good for body. too sick to care about body. just have to knowck it out any way i can.

The first thing I did was check my post

The first thing I did was check my post from yesterday--to make sure it wasn't tampered with, and to see if it needed editing. Computer and blogging technology is great in the sense that you can share your thoughts immediately, but it makes for sloppy presentation and grammatical errors. I am not anal about my grammar but I really should do a better, if only brief, editing job before posting. I have really "light" hands on the keyboard and a few of the strokes just don't take. I bought a new keyboard, but still have the same problem.
I woke up today feeling mentally alert and emotionally ready for the first time in a few days. The drugs that have had me waking up hating life for the past several days were cleared from my system. I suspect that those same drugs were the ones responsible not only for my severe insomnia, but also for my highly paranoid reaction yesterday. So now Iam forcefed a new drug!!!At least this one doesn't have me groaning and hating life before I even get out of bed. This is the one (of course, I recognize it, having endured it multiple times before) that puts tremendous pressure on my head, the "claws in the head", or "torture cap" syndrome. I recognized it for the first time about five years ago, when I was still relatively healthy and was walking from the library to my truck when a cloudburst erupted over my head. I went to sprint to my truck (yep, this was years ago), but was nearly dropped by the agonizing, crippling pain that the brief physical exertion caused in my head. That is what I woke up with this morning--the crippling "claws" vised around my head. Oh, and the optic nerve, seriously swollen and impacted by all that excess pressure. Still I feel better, more capable of getting up and doing things, than I did under the hating life, dragged down feeling of the last few days. So I am going to get up and clean my house before it gets hot. I also have to get in a yoga class (been about a week--wanted to go to one, but the "dragging down" energy of the last few days overruled my best intention (it is always so hard for me to get up and go to something unless I have an established routine and right now, I don't have a yoga routine). I also need to set up a personal regimen of "shaking" (courtesy of Dahn yoga). This is very helpful for me--I think it gets the "stuck" lymphatic fluids moving, clears out my congested occipital area and brain stem area, and leaves me feeling brighter and clearer. But again, I just need to do it. But first things, first. Clean house before it gets to hot, or I get slapped with another psychotropic drug that leaves me barely functional.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

A lot went on yesterday

A lot went on yesterday both in my hometown of ABQ and in my personal life. There was a multiple murder at a workplace near the AFB, and it was nagging at me all day--is this yet another instance of "mind-controlled," "Illuminati", "satanic" victims being mind manipulated and "used" to go off on a rampage. It has been happening for years, much more frequently than people realize. It is done for the purposes and aims of the dark side conspiracy, with one everpresent objective-- the terrorization of the American public (following their most well known theorist--the author of Mein Kampf), and the inflammation of public opinion against the Second Amendment (tyrants fear an armed citizenry). However, there are usually secondary and tertiary objectives as well. One indisputable truth about the dark side strategists, planners, and shot-callers. They are extremely efficient and optimally organized in their agendas. I truly believe that they use computers to help them maximize the negative impact of their decisions. I think part of the dark overlord "sentience" may not be organic at all, but purely machine--a theory for another time. There is no doubt in my mind though, that they have had access to seminally advanced computers for decades. (Another interesting thing going on--the hit job being done to Apple/iphone/Steve Jobs right now. I won't digress on what I think may be be behind that, and the decades of outrageous and unregulated unfairness dealt to Jobs/Apple's truly superior technology and OS by forces geared more towards profit and self-enrichment than human technological advancement). So, knowing how well-planned and efficient the dark side is, I was edgy all day. The mind really began clicking however, when I heard a radio announcer state, "the Emcore tragedy will cause major problems with Kirtland AFB traffic." That was a significant clue. One thing about mind-controlled victims--they often are affiliated with the military, and the fact that Emcore was so close to the AFB immediately led me to believe that they had major DOD contracts, and thus this was an "Illuminati" hit. (Sure enough,when I checked it, they had a "DARPA" contract. DARPA is one of the scariest of all the military's tentacles. So then I started worrying about what I had done earlier in the day--sending flowers to Dr. Huaman who no longer wants to see me as a patient, but who, by far and away, is the only doctor in the last several years, who I believe actually listens to me. It was her who tried to get me to see an endocrinologist, but the goddamned Mr. PIBS wouldn't allow me to get proper medical evaluation and treatment, so that I suffered needlessly for years, from Cushing's syndrome, excessive weight gain, and heavy metal poisoning. The flowers were both a gesture of sincere gratitude and appreciation, and a line thrown out to see if there was any interest. Then I realized that the unusual, daily crush of emails I had received from proflowers in the past 3 or 4 days, and the recent im contact from Augusta (or someone using her screen name), may have been a complete setup, in the hopes of entrapping me, getting me to send flowers to Augusta, and getting some (scared-by-the-Emcore tragedy) judge to throw the book at me, afraid that I might be a psychotic stalker capable of terrible domestic violence. Another interesting tidbit I just recognized--2 "unknown" phone calls made to my cell, one at 9:40 am, 10 minutes after the shooting, and the other in the evening. Because I am so lackadaisical about answering my phone, I didn't even notice it until late in the evening. This is the first time I have had a call from "unknown" (when the caller blocks the #), in over a year. So then, I do the natural thing, and attempt to call the number back to see if I had missed an important phone call. Fortunately for me, my cell won't let me dial back an unknown phone number, or I may have been entrapped again by an unwitting phone call to Augusta. So, with all these thoughts and suspicions percolating in my head, I immediately moved to cover myself. My attorney is no longer in her office, so I went directly to the dr's office and left a note stating my intention and approximate words (I was afraid that someone would swap the flower's accompanying note, replacing it with something lewd, scary or inappropriate). I talked with Dale later (the more cover I have the better). Of course, I get the feeling that she thinks I am just being overboard paranoid, but you know what? It is this paranoia that has kept me alive and out of jail. I have dodged or recognized so many bullets directed at me or this country by heeding that inner voice of alarm, that, you betcha, I am going to act on it whenever I hear it. If it makes me appear a little flaky or paranoid, so be it.
I am surprised that there has been hardly any coverage of this incident. This in and of itself is strange. It took over 12 hours for ABQ police to release the man's name (long enough to scrub the Internet), and I still haven't seen a photo. I can immediately identify the autistic face set and stare, and the blank eyes of the mind-controlled. That's how I knew that the Huntsville NASA shooter and the Austin IRS plane bomber were mind control victims (then later I learned he had major DOD contracts as well). I don't spend a lot of time trying to probe the motivations of these terrorism acts, except to add them into my mind's folder of yet one more successful Nazi terrorist act (and oh America, please alert all civil servants, law enforcement officers, and teachers to be on HYPERVIGILANCE on April 20th. The PIB's know that hip people are aware of what a charged date Hitler's birthday is, but his followers can't help but venerate their fallen patron saint, and 4/20 tragedies keep occuring--the most recent one, the space beam attack on the BP well. So the Nazis are alive and well, downright flourishing in America, and I am nearly helpless before their machinations. I guess it is to my benefit that they think I am a great Aryan saint who will lead the racists to victory (otherwise I would have been murdered long ago). Maybe they are correct and I am indeed an incarnation from the Aryan world, but I cannot support haters, EVER, UNDER ANY CONDITION, and (I saw one last night), Aryans are not merely prejudiced or a little bit racist--they are fullblown psychotic haters, and I can "feel" it, can recognize it when I see it. They have the kind of hate that can say--"You--to the ovens", and "you--dig the graves"; they have the kind of hate that sucks all the life and positive energy out of a room (and its not just the Aryans--I saw the leader of the "New Black Panther" party on "Geraldo", and he was a full blown, life destroying hater too--while the baton-wielding-at-the-polls black guy he was defending was just a "rudy-poo" racist, an insecure, weakling schmuck--but racial hatred and intimidation from all sides needs to be addressed and confronted, and I am not so sure that the administration did its job on that issue. There are negative forces looking to exploit such vulnerabilities and injustices to start a race war, and so far, in all honesty, the Nazis have a pretty good showing on the scorecard (let's not forget the Twin Towers and 3000 dead), though the good guys are mounting a great comeback. As for me, I am just hanging in there. The good news is that I am feeling better, as the heavy metals detox, but I still have serious energy issues. Also, I am really struggling to sleep at night. I got to bed at 5:30 in the morning. I firmly believe that the purpose of the drugs that I am given at night is to create a kind of insomniac schizophrenia so that the channelers (whether Nazi security agents or genuine ET's can access my mind. I resist but the toll is significant. But I just got to keep plugging on, and praying to God to protect me, my health or the shreds of my (puny, 1984-ish) freedom.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Wish I were drug free

Wish I were drug free. I continue to detox the heavy metals, but I still drag all the time---on depakote i think, but maybe something else. it makes it so hard to sleep, so hard to wake up, and so hard to get up and moving. Everything is just so much harder. On top of that, the drugs are causing serious pressure on my optic nerve. I can tell. I truly believe that my optic nerve was getting better, but whatever psychotropic drug I'm on is putting tremendous pressure on the eye. But whatever happens, happens. I am not undergoing surgery and I no longer am under opthamological care as my doctor is pissed off at me. I really like her, and consider her to be the only dr. I can trust, but like everyone else in my life she is under tremendous pressure to maintain the lie while the religiuosu right continues to wait for me to be a celibate saint. Fuckers don't get it. Timelines change. Healthy people adjust. I am not the same person I am in other timelines. I need help, a partner, an intimate in order to live my life and vocation to the fullest. Of course, right now, I would settle to just be drug free. The mindhas plans but my energy is just leeched out of me like a vampire by these psychotropic drugs. I got to get up and do some things. Life is so damned hard.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Another morning I wake up groaning

Another morning I wake up groaning--groaning from feeling so bad, like shit. After a nite in which I had to take multiple pills and alcohol to sleep because my cdentral nervous system was jolted awake every three or four minutes, I think all my suffering may just be caused by psychotropic drugs. Ive been here before, God knows ive been here before, dozens of times. ive spent countless nites unable to sleep, in a blasted mental psychotic alienation state, while every few minutes a brain rush jolting my entire nervous system/body woke me up. ive woke up groaning so many times, wishing to God i could just sleep rather than get up and face a hell day in an unresponsvie drugged up body. ive woke up with muscle and joints spasming, my eyes frozen, wishing to God i could sleep because i feel so bad that it is better to escape reality than live in it. i ve seen the same old shit in my eyes before. litany could go on and on. nothing i can do about it but record it. too sick to do anything of value or effort. it is going to be another day wheni cant do anything but watch tv and pray for death.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Abducted again?

Abducted again? So drugged up can barely ove. wish i could just sleep. but too sick to stay awake or sleep. in kind of twilite zone. in additojn to mental drugging body hurts spasms in body, where joints are, knee hurts (the one that is a sign of my lack of emtoional support), and my feet hurt. bottom of soles--means somthing is going on with organs. lots of toxins. mental dragging reminds me of the aftermath of abduction. when thefuckers dont want me to remember.there was a european space agency encounter with an asteroid. I am leaning toward "the feeling bad" having to do with asteroid/planet x/nibiru/evil alien space station having a deleterious effect when it is able to influence earth due to astrological influence. scary that the eurpeans are in charge of it. as scared as i am about nasa and american nazis, the europeans scare me more. I know that there is a much deeper amorality and lack of spirituality there than in this country originally founded by religious refugees. At least here we have people of the moral fiber to fight evil, and the will and gumption to do it. just hard to fight when dont know what is oging on, and knee hurts cause no support. wanna sleep go back to bed . read a lil first.
PS dr. Huaman would bevery upset with my optic nerve. whatever drugs i am on is putting so much pressure on eye that my right eye literally isnt able to see properly. nothing i can do about it. im not getting any more fucking nazi implants and waking up to find im so autisic i cant talk at all.
PPS--constantly bathed in sweat and hot flashing. i quit wearing my crucifix so much because i did not want it soaking in sweat. but maybe i should wear it (for protection) and just wash it every day. just tired of being so sticky hot all the time.

Same old slave merrygoround

Same old slave merrygoround. After one day of feeling almos human, and having plans wo twake up this morning and hit thground running, instead i wake up so fucked up on psychotropic drugs that i wont even be able to surf the web. People's faces look like grimacing cartoon caricatures, whether its a grinning steroid fat face like Leborn James (dont know if the steroids are natural or illegal but hes certainly got it) or an alcohol and tear ravaged face like Lindsey Lohan. When I cant see faces except as caricatures or menacig threats Im on something serious. i knew i was on something seriouc this morning, woke up groaning again. Knew too last nite that i didnt dream, or dreams were unreachable. dreams important to me. it is how God talks to me, body talks to me figure everythin out. I wonder if im on deapakeot. deapakote messes up ability to dream. had sazame problem nite before last. woke u feeling like shit. emotionally dead (couldnt listen to music--had no meaning, no feeling) but i got out of it. not going to be abl to get out of this. ive learned over years that my body has aslow reaction to al ot of drugs. i canpersever for a while but sooner or later it cumulates makes me too sick. anyhow i could be full of rage at this, another lost da, another j piece of shit pib md poisoning me with shit. too sickto even be angry. just sickend by the waste of it all. today will be a totally worhtless day. I cant read in this state, noteven the internet (yesterdcay i was "tlantic" magaizeine all impressed by my ability to understand words. now i cant even do add surfing fo the web. cant do ANYTHING i had planeed--haircut, gym workout, truck speaders. all i can do when im this fucked up is watch tv. eyes hurt too much to keep open

Friday, July 9, 2010

Feeling worse

Feeling worse even though my intellect recognizes that healing is going on. I have said for years that I am autistic and that I struggled every day of my life in me teens and early 20's to successfully overcome the autism. Unfortunaely, all my hard work was overturned and undermined by the medical and government abuseI have suffered for so long. So now, I am suffering from heavy metal poisoning (caused by the govt agents trying to "make" me autistic, when I was born that way! Instead they have made me very very sick. Sick in every which way. Sick with constant headaches, and a "high" kind of feeling that makes it hard to relate to reality. Sick with constant digestive issues. Sick in the muscles and joints of my body so that I can no longer run, walk (without the "Rain Man kind of jerkiness with my quad muscles all locked), exercise, or even do yoga without great effort, sick in my emotional life as I find it harder and harder to relate to others as I wish, and sick in my psyche as I am getting stuck in obsessive compulsive loops. No I am not in a good place at all. I tell myself, "force yourself to get out of this rut<" but I am so tired of all my efforts just bringing down more abuse and higher levels of poisoning, and even further autism, that it is hard to motivate myself to do much at all. May be tomorrow. Try to sleep again with this shit all in my body keeping me awake.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

More shit from the fucking goddamned assholes

More shit from the fucking goddamned assholes. Stupid pricks tampered with my heavy metal detox--which costs a hundred dollars a bttle. Dr. Huaman today told me, " YOu are your own doctor." Good thing I am--if I hadnt fought for my life and my health at every step of the way against the assinine MD's of the alphabet agencies and the institutions my insurance paid for, I would be dead if lucky, and insane if not!! Instead I am just broke--broke finanacially, and broken in health, mind and spirit, and yet the bloodsuckers still continue their goddamned mind games with me. Most immediately distressing is that they tampered with the heavy metal detox that I was taking, and which made me (in my intestines) feel dramatically betterthe very first time I took it. I could tell the difference immediatelyh. But as with every treatment, situation, and human being that makes me feel better, they have to taint it, tamper with it, destroy it. They are only interested in a schizoid mind-controlled robot to help them destroy and enslave humanity for their evil and satanic masters.
I AM AUTISTIC, GODDAMN IT! I WAS BORN THAT WAY! I have to struggle to stay present in physical reality and socially interact with others. I cannot handle the everyday heavy metals without a bunch more poison put in me by the constant efforts of fucking sold out Pibs (pricks in black) who are paid to monitor my every move.

And I have spent most of the day very autistic. At Dr. Huaman's office, they drugged me up with eye drops (three instead of two), but as often happens when I am in an autistic state, I am not aware of what is happening at the time but only afterward. But even though I had wanted to be presented in social interaction, I just wasnt there. Dr. Huaman was angry with me, because of my stubbornness and the fact that I won't have surgery on my eye that is going blind. My body has never recovered from the implants of the first surgery. I shudder to think of what would happen in round 2. I long to get my body in some kind of physical fitness health again. No more surgery until that happens, and if it never does, I go blind. My body and life aint worth a shit anyhow. THe bottom line is that I am not having any more surgery of any kind until I have some kind of emotional support. I am tired of having to do everything myself, not able to depend on anybody for anything, not having anyone to talk to, or minister to me when I feel all fucked up as I do right now with my back muscles screaming in spasm over the poison the Pibs put in my detox medication. I am tired of being locked away in autistic isolation all the time. I need a partner. I need support. And until its there, I am just a jacked up piece of shit that these PIBs can do their medical experiments on. Well do it you stupid fuckers. But dont expect any cooperation from me.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Very sick and increasingly worried

Very sick and increasingly worried. Not functional. not able to read thin watch tv. too sick to concentrate on anything. even keep eyes open. it hurts to open eyes. physically hurts. i was supposed to see dr huaman tomorrown but i canncelled because i know my vision is seriously messed up and im afraid i cant get a good visual field test or even test well for eye prescription. im tired of trying to take eye exams all drugged up. messes the results and it a waste of time and money. however, im starting to think maybe i should call more onher neruoplogical expertise. there is a large lump on the upper right of my head, kind of like when i had a concussion, except of course i havent hit my head. the swelling is all internal. im also very worried about hypothalamus. i alternate between hot flashes and feverish chills. i cant eat very much or drink very much tho im desperately thirsty. stomack just feels so very full. i keep having the involuntary body convulsions that i occasionally suffer from at nite--now all time. think something is very wrong. huaman is only dr. i trust. cant go to er. went to dr last week for pap smear and she fucking tortured me on purpose. maybe ill just lay down and die. my life isnt worth living.

Ketoacidosis again

Ketoacidosis again. Smelling acetone and sweetness on urine again. fuckers really doing a number on me. whatever iw as on to make me healthier gone. suffering from severe hot flashes again, ust want to lay still in front of cooler. I truly believe they are giving me drugs to inducepsychosis, so that i will channel their lying demonic SHIT. defintely dont feel well. have to take major shit to sleep. my brother came to visit me yesterday and was bummed out that I wantsnt in reality with him. jeff is very fragile emotionally and easily hurt but early stages of drugging left me sick, and unable to relate. i have to cary my faily emotionally. needless to say i cant carry anyone in this state. so jeff went off drinking. i try to tell him whats up but jeff doesnt have the breath of intellect to wrap around whats really going on. just believe whats hes told. nothng i can do about it. Fucking bastards not only destroying my life but negatively impactng the people around me as well. supposed to get eye exam tomorrow. too sick to drive, too sick to get an accurate visual field. vision is all messed up. hated to cancel appt but im too sick to go. have a few 3 mor visits with alternative healer, but my cbody is completely wrecked right now. in one nite of drugging, stupidsass fuckers undid 5 double ssessions of healing work. spine and musculo skeltetal system wrackd. Nothing i can do except maintain that i will not cooperate with these fucking pigs. i got to say, i was wartned in a dream, night before last, "the drug pushers are coming" oh yest they most ceratainly did, and my body is trashed, and my braine is nonfunctioning thanx to asshole goddaman drug pushersx.

Monday, July 5, 2010



Good days r over--drugging starts again

Good days r over--drugging starts again. After a nite of extreme pain and muscle spasms woke up with every muscle and joint in body aching. hurts to turn neck. hurts to sit and put pressure on ribs to hold body up. but worst of all, stupidass fuckers messing with my digestion again. whatever i was given for cushings was pulled. now im not able to eat at all. belly grossly bloated. sick once again with motion sickness. too sick to concentrate, read, watch tv. talk to anyone. bro came by . ttoo sick to dal with it. worxt of all is the too sick to eat. digest. just when i start to feel better. know i have to be on some psychtoropic. on top of all tso sore, cant move. headache. wish to God life was over agin, feeling like shit. sense of taste and smell all messed up. hypothalamus all fucked up agian.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

I was wrong.

I was wrong. I can't walk away from a (I had hoped--"closed") medical issue. In the last half hour I have had the resurgence of the extreme fatigue and heat in my ankles--"virus download" or perhaps, something really odd IS wrong with the hypothalamus pituatry axis, and I can't figure it out. I just want to lay down and go to sleep, but I am determined to get up and do some thing. So very tired...,

Finally forced myself to sift through

Finally forced myself to sift through the medical literature on my symptomology. I knew there was a good reason I didn't want to do it. The more I read and realize, the more pissed I become. I am not suffering from some strange, weird syndrome caused by the alien virus/implants Broadly speaking, I am suffering from a routine disorder of the hypothalamic-pituatary-axis. Breaking it down further, there is excess amount of the hormone cortisol in my body which then results in a whole host of secondary and tertiary hormonal and chemical imbalances (including, I suspect, some of the brain neurotransmitters and mood). If I had to give a diagnosis, it would be familial Cushing's syndrome, which after years of medical abuse, mistreatment, and misdiagnosis, has resulted in a myriad of health issues, including, but not limited to, incipient diabetes mellitus (and all the related problems), diabetes insipidus, and possibly adrenal exhaustion. It is very possible that the alien virus/implants, (via the hypothalamus?) aggravate and stimulate the corticol hypersecretion, which is why I get so godawful sick every time a viral download starts (and of course, I know it immediately). I am not going to waste a whole of time on this--I've been pondering the symptomology for years. However, I am extremely disgusted because this should have been diagnosed YEARS ago, starting with the GP who I went to, complaining of abnormal weight gain. Instead, she looked at me like I was crazy (especially when I told her that I was OTC bovine thyroid), diagnosed me with bipolar, which led to the lithium poisoning and the brain damage. In retrospect, I can see now my alternative health remedies were the only things that kept me from overwhelming illness and organ failure/damage. I'm just amazed and furious that a store clerk in a health food store could see that I had adrenal stress ("red-hot adrenals") and "something going on with your brain stem" over five years ago, and these doctors who have been forcefeeding me these psychotropic drugs for years now, who spent years memorizing overwhelming amounts of factoids didn't have a clue. Why is the educational system geared toward the marginalization of intuitive healers like her, while people who are rote memory learners and regurgitators are rewarded with the premium professional status offered by our society? (This is not just a problem in the medical field--this is a problem with our entire educational system, and I observed it in the Humanities field as well). All the medical suffering, weight gain, and damage I have endured over the last 5-6 years were completely unnecessary. They were the result of medical professionals who were arrogantly confident in their snap dignosis (or in a diagnosis made by a fellow MD-and maybe especially if he flashed a badge bearing security agency credentials), who didn't know how to listen to, and dialogue with their patients, who don't know how to listen to their own intuitive faculty (if they ever had one, and who treat the body like a thing instead of as a living mophomogenetic field.

Well, I think the worst is over, and this is it. I am not going to spend anymore time thinking about it, pondering over it, and reading medical textbooks full of facts that my lithium-fried brain can no longer remember. I'm angry and sorry that, with only a couple of exceptions (in my optic nerve problems), I had to spend so many years dealing with my illness with practically no help or support from the medical field, when really I had a fairly commonplace condition. But one of my big strengths is the ability to just close the door, let it all go, roll it off my shoulders, and that is what I am going to do. I can't get back the lost years, or my once strong and healthy body (though with a little luck and a lot of effort, I might be able to lose some of the 60 pounds I have put on since I first approached Dr. Thal, asking for help with abnormal metabolism and weight gain, and instead got put on pound-a-day lithium). I know I need to find a good doctor (good alternative healers are plentiful--they are very good at listening and since I am articulate and knowledgable, it is an easy relationship) to help monitor and support me. While I think that I am currently seeing a doctor who listens and is intuitive, I am on state Medicaid, which severely curtails my access to medical care (hard to get an appointment), and which may be completely eliminated soon (no $$$). That is okay. Right now I am on an upward healing curve, and I just want to stabilize, detox heavy metals, and soon (not right now), get to a place where I can begin a serious exercise and diet regimen again. In the meantime, with this burden of ill health, and sense of "I have to figure this out all on my own" gone, I need to turn my attention and efforts to a field which falls more into my skill-knowledge set and interest. Over. Done. Finito. Wasted years. Wrecked body. But I cannot change the past, only the future.

Addendum: I realize that really my medical research is not over. The whole thrust of the alien agenda involves changing human DNA and creating an autistic population of the future (and all the problems that entails). Medical knowledge and research will continue to be necessary. I need help with that, for I am not an instinctive and strong scientific or medical person, and it is very frustrating to me that I cannot retain medical knowledge in my head, like I can other types of knowledge, but have to continually refresh the brain pages. If I were a strong medical person, I think that I would would have diagnosed my own condition years ago. I remember how Laurie tried to get me to "feel" my own lymphatic system, but the truth is, that while I have an intuitive understanding of what to do, I can't really control or follow through with confident accuracy. Well, none of us are perfect. I will just have to continue to plug along. I just am glad and grateful that finally I am feeling better.