Alan Turing

Alan Turing...unsung hero and unsought model for my unfortunate life. Alan Turing was a gay man and brilliant mathematician who was the one single man primarily responsible for cracking the Nazi crypto-codes, and thus ultimately was one of the most responsible, if behind-the-scenes, individuals for the British triumphant perserverance through the darkest days of the war. In gratitude for his most audacious achievement, he was railroaded out of civil service on charges of psychiatric malfeasance and incompetency due to to the "hormonal imbalance" that "caused" his homosexuality. After Churchill, the one single man who was most responsible for the victory of the Battle of Britain, was disgraced and isolated after being deemed an unacceptable security risk because of his homosexuality and psychological eccentricity. I know how it feels Alan...
I am drugged on God only knows what, and am so sick that I am nonfunctional. Miserable and suffering, I try to do the only things I can do--watch tv, but even that is an incredible challenge of focus for me. Mostly I just want to lie down and listen to music. Of course, I don't expect anything else from the Nazis and the PIB's. After all, I am their sworn enemy, and I despise everything they stand for, and the hell that they have made of my life with their violations of my body (brain and body implants, ova theft, castration, and the neverending drugs). I despise their corrupted, evil values and their perverted vision of the future. I know that we are sworn enemies and I can expect nothing from them but torture and violation until they get from me what they want--a psychotic, mind-controlled, 'religiuos seer" that they can use as a false prophet to usher in the most evil age humanity has ever known. I can't change them. I'm reminded of an exchange between Sri Aurobindo and Gandhi (and even though Gandhi was the one more ostensibly influenced by Christianity, I always liked Sri Aurobindo a little bit more--he was more like me, more in love with God and the individual person than with his own ambitious agenda to transform society or the need to cultivate a sense of iconic sanctity). Anyway, Sri Aurobindo learned that Gandhi had said of Adolph Hitler, "we will melt his heart in the furnace of love." Upon hearing that Aurobindo snorted, and replied, "the only thing that will melt Hitler's heart is an atom bomb." I am not proposing violence or violent resistance. I am only saying that there is an implacable and organized evil so great that the only authentic response is resistance with every bit of force and fiber of one's being. I am not a soldier. I don't even own a gun, and it wouldn't do me any good if I did (though I certainly recommend them for the majority of the population). The only resistance I can offer is that of the spirit. I don't fight against the forces of evil for recognition, reward (though a living salary would be nice), or need for psychological revenge or validation. Fighting dragons is a nasty business, and though I didn't choose it, unlucky fate has thrust me on on the front lines, and my only authentic and honorable option is to fight with every force and fiber of my being, while I try to stay alive, whole and sane.
Congratulations to the Nazis--they definitely have made significant inroads against my defenses. I am alive, but my life is not worth living. I am no longer a sovereign person, and my body and brain has been severely compromised by brain and nervous system psychotronic implants and a 70 pound weight gain caused by drugs. Their constant drugging, mind-control techniques, and brain hacking during my dreams has fractured my psyche somewhat, as I tried to explain to Dale earlier today. I am not schizophrenic. This dream is the result of a drug-induced schizophrenia caused by my self's flight from my body. The person offered the rings in the dream a couple of nights ago wasn't me, but it wasn't an evil alter ego either. My real self is in here, in my soul, in my spirit, but even in my dreams I am now presenting a "fake self" to the Nazis--except my real self was in the dream, watching too. I'm not happy about this erosion of my once healthy psyche but it actually is another defense at self-protection of my real self. It is not schizophrenia, but, I will admit, a psuedo-schizophrenia that does bother and disappoint me, even though I know that the drugs are the cause of it.
I do not have a normal mind. I have an "Aryan" mind (possibly the result of a previous incarnation), which is very unemotional and telepathic, in a word, an autistic mind. I suffered terribly as an autistic in a normal world, so I had to learn how to develop a more human, emotional personality to co-exist with an Aryan mind. I am not saying I did it perfectly. I just did it the best I could. Being lonely and isolated from an early age, I became very comfortable and chatty conversing with my own self--option, possiblilites, hypoheses, and sometimes, hooking into an obsessive-compulsive loop. And yes, it is fair to say I am neurotic and weird and different, but I was healthy and productive until the implants were put in me. One of the consequences of the implanst (from what I can tell) is to make the human mind more Aryan, more telepathic, more thinking in terms of images. But that is the exact opposite of what is healthy for my brain. I need, I HAVE to work at being more verbal, more logical, more sociable. So I am now overdosing on an Aryan brain, and losing my ability to function well as a human in the process. That is not schizophrenia--that is fricking too much overload on a brain that had a healthy homeostasis to reality before. Nothing I can do about it, esp on the risperdol. all i can do is think in images. Not able to interact with reality at all.
Well, Nazis will be Nazis, nothing I can complain about that. But it would be nice to get some support, some backing, some help from people who should be my allies, who have benefited greatly from what I have offered, and instead I find myself, as before, all alone on point, having to deal with intractable realities and psychological insecurities of those who can only see me through a filter of adolescent pshycological immaturity as a securtiy risk. i could go on more, maybe i should, but unlike my hidden would be allies who read my words to use as weapons, I cannot help but act with spiritual maturity and honor to protect those who have absolutely no problem throwing me under the bus. So I just gotta say two things. First of all, insofar as I am healthy enough and capable enough, I hope to leave a written record for the future as I engendered it. Second of all, a word of warning. I am too fucked up to do any research or figure antyghing out. Alan Turing is milked dry, castrated, and brainfried on hormonal changes and drugs (oooh, sounds really schizoid, huh? Go fuck yourselves, those with no metahporical mind whatsoever). However, while I am not able to function, I guarantee you the Nazis will be bery busy. And I am too sickl to do anything about it. I am fighting to preserve what is left of my mutilated body, mutilated mind, and hidden self and spirit. Takes all the eneryg i have.