Saturday, July 3, 2010

Finally forced myself to sift through

Finally forced myself to sift through the medical literature on my symptomology. I knew there was a good reason I didn't want to do it. The more I read and realize, the more pissed I become. I am not suffering from some strange, weird syndrome caused by the alien virus/implants Broadly speaking, I am suffering from a routine disorder of the hypothalamic-pituatary-axis. Breaking it down further, there is excess amount of the hormone cortisol in my body which then results in a whole host of secondary and tertiary hormonal and chemical imbalances (including, I suspect, some of the brain neurotransmitters and mood). If I had to give a diagnosis, it would be familial Cushing's syndrome, which after years of medical abuse, mistreatment, and misdiagnosis, has resulted in a myriad of health issues, including, but not limited to, incipient diabetes mellitus (and all the related problems), diabetes insipidus, and possibly adrenal exhaustion. It is very possible that the alien virus/implants, (via the hypothalamus?) aggravate and stimulate the corticol hypersecretion, which is why I get so godawful sick every time a viral download starts (and of course, I know it immediately). I am not going to waste a whole of time on this--I've been pondering the symptomology for years. However, I am extremely disgusted because this should have been diagnosed YEARS ago, starting with the GP who I went to, complaining of abnormal weight gain. Instead, she looked at me like I was crazy (especially when I told her that I was OTC bovine thyroid), diagnosed me with bipolar, which led to the lithium poisoning and the brain damage. In retrospect, I can see now my alternative health remedies were the only things that kept me from overwhelming illness and organ failure/damage. I'm just amazed and furious that a store clerk in a health food store could see that I had adrenal stress ("red-hot adrenals") and "something going on with your brain stem" over five years ago, and these doctors who have been forcefeeding me these psychotropic drugs for years now, who spent years memorizing overwhelming amounts of factoids didn't have a clue. Why is the educational system geared toward the marginalization of intuitive healers like her, while people who are rote memory learners and regurgitators are rewarded with the premium professional status offered by our society? (This is not just a problem in the medical field--this is a problem with our entire educational system, and I observed it in the Humanities field as well). All the medical suffering, weight gain, and damage I have endured over the last 5-6 years were completely unnecessary. They were the result of medical professionals who were arrogantly confident in their snap dignosis (or in a diagnosis made by a fellow MD-and maybe especially if he flashed a badge bearing security agency credentials), who didn't know how to listen to, and dialogue with their patients, who don't know how to listen to their own intuitive faculty (if they ever had one, and who treat the body like a thing instead of as a living mophomogenetic field.

Well, I think the worst is over, and this is it. I am not going to spend anymore time thinking about it, pondering over it, and reading medical textbooks full of facts that my lithium-fried brain can no longer remember. I'm angry and sorry that, with only a couple of exceptions (in my optic nerve problems), I had to spend so many years dealing with my illness with practically no help or support from the medical field, when really I had a fairly commonplace condition. But one of my big strengths is the ability to just close the door, let it all go, roll it off my shoulders, and that is what I am going to do. I can't get back the lost years, or my once strong and healthy body (though with a little luck and a lot of effort, I might be able to lose some of the 60 pounds I have put on since I first approached Dr. Thal, asking for help with abnormal metabolism and weight gain, and instead got put on pound-a-day lithium). I know I need to find a good doctor (good alternative healers are plentiful--they are very good at listening and since I am articulate and knowledgable, it is an easy relationship) to help monitor and support me. While I think that I am currently seeing a doctor who listens and is intuitive, I am on state Medicaid, which severely curtails my access to medical care (hard to get an appointment), and which may be completely eliminated soon (no $$$). That is okay. Right now I am on an upward healing curve, and I just want to stabilize, detox heavy metals, and soon (not right now), get to a place where I can begin a serious exercise and diet regimen again. In the meantime, with this burden of ill health, and sense of "I have to figure this out all on my own" gone, I need to turn my attention and efforts to a field which falls more into my skill-knowledge set and interest. Over. Done. Finito. Wasted years. Wrecked body. But I cannot change the past, only the future.

Addendum: I realize that really my medical research is not over. The whole thrust of the alien agenda involves changing human DNA and creating an autistic population of the future (and all the problems that entails). Medical knowledge and research will continue to be necessary. I need help with that, for I am not an instinctive and strong scientific or medical person, and it is very frustrating to me that I cannot retain medical knowledge in my head, like I can other types of knowledge, but have to continually refresh the brain pages. If I were a strong medical person, I think that I would would have diagnosed my own condition years ago. I remember how Laurie tried to get me to "feel" my own lymphatic system, but the truth is, that while I have an intuitive understanding of what to do, I can't really control or follow through with confident accuracy. Well, none of us are perfect. I will just have to continue to plug along. I just am glad and grateful that finally I am feeling better.

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