Friday, May 30, 2008

203 pounds and sick as a dog

203 pounds and sick as a dog as I struggle to maintain in the midst of the most godawful suffering.  I am definitely on lithium.  I recognize the unstoppable weight gain, the muscle weakness, the lack of contact reality, and all the cerebral spinal fluid that has my head floating and my right eye not seeing correctly.    And then there is the relentless nausea.  Even the most mild of exertions causes nausea.  I don't know how much longer I can keep doing yoga.  Even touching my toes takes monumental effort, like I just ran 5 miles and want to puke.   The bottom line is that my body cannot survive with this level of toxicity in my system.  Something has gotta give.  Maybe it was a mistake to commit to work tomorrow.  At this point I don't think I can qualify for a new project--just not in reality enough.  Going to bed.  I don't know what is harder--moving my arms to type or trying to hold up this floating, fluid bloated head on my body.  Bed. God help me.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

202 pounds today, and I need to see a doctor

202 pounds today, and I need to see a doctor, as once more I am suffering from edema--but this time it is even worse.  My ankles look like the elephant man's.  I am afraid of suffering kidney damage from not being able to flush out toxins.  And toxins I have of plenty (actually I think its lithium--I'm craving salt--pure poison to my body).  I am nauseated, headachey, low energy, and increasingly not in reality.  The inflammation which is shot all through my body is getting to the point that it even hurts to drive with my left hand (the wrist) or to chew with my jaws.  Forget about walkingMy neck and back are so stiff, that once more (oh yeah I remember this from the first time the GODDAMNED (and I mean it) fucking pricks poisoned my body with this shit. 

I gotta hang on for two days, then I can try to see a doctor and recuperate.  Bed--need bed badly.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Miserable and bloated at 200 pounds

Miserable and bloated at 200 pounds as I struggle with the headaches, nausea, low energy, and low tolerance to stimuli from these gd psychotropic drugs that make me sick, sick sick.  I don't even know what I m taking now, but I know Im suffering

Monday, May 26, 2008

Drug dazed and pain crazed

Drug dazed and pain crazed as the psychotropics continue to fuck up my body and brain.  Once again, keeping my eyes shut because I can't stand the stimuli.  The drugs (Risperdal or a sister I think) are causing severe muscle spasms and back pain.  Does any of this sound familiar?  Story of my life.  I don't know how I can live like this.  Such suffering is too much.  I am so tired of suffering.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

200 pounds

200 pounds--a gain of three pounds in a week.  I know now that I am on lithium again, for it is lithium that causes out of control weight gain, as I conscientiously skimp on food, but nevertheless watch my body spread and spread like a monster.  I cannot even stand to look myself in the mirror.  It is like I am a prisoner of chemically poisoned flesh, and it seems like another lifetime when I was happy and joyful, and fully aware of,  responsive to, and engaged with reality.   The chemicals (and maybe even the implants) have severed my ability to connect with my "silver cord" and my spirituality suffers (but they can't destroy my faith--that resides in my free will, beyond their reach, though they can attempt to derange my free will through massive suffering and torture--and yes, fella's, you have been damned thorough, but you will not succeed. 

I imagine that lithium is involved in the mood swings, the panicked feeling of needing to escape my skin, and most of all the low energy that makes everything so hard, and leaves me feeling that I just want to sleep.  My house is a mess, and I hate to leave for a few days when I know it is going to be on parade for who knows who, but the truth is, I am too damned low energy to clean. I am too low energy to care.  Oh God, I am so sick of this doped up, drugged lack of reality. 

Monday, May 19, 2008

Bloating and weight gain continues

Bloating and weight gain continues, and I am truly miserable as I struggle unsuccessfully to control my expanding waist and backside.  I have gained weight since last week, and now the clothes I bought once I hit 195 pounds are getting to be uncomfortably tight on me.  I think my weight problems are a combination of lack of thyroid (even now, my stomach doesn't want to accept water, but wants to bloat and reflux it out--a sure sign that I need thyroid meds), and the fact that I am force fed some kind of psychotropic drug (maybe just a really subtle but powerful speed, which on me has the reverse effect and slows my already sluggish metabolism down to nothing).  I can barely keep my eyes open and struggle through the day, but I know the motive of Opus Dei and the Catholic Church--to alienate me from my body so I will conform to their heretical notions of Christianity.  Won't happen.  Been there.  Done that.  My poor body is being totally trashed and destroyed by the drugs, but I won't play into that psuedo-spiritual split between body and spirit anymore.  Of course, I am too drugged to fit into my body or life anyway, but I know what who I am and what I aim for, and TPTB will not be successful (but it is undeniable that they have done permanent damage against my body and brain, and continue to do so).

My dream last night says it all.  I dreamed that I was offered to go on a cruise, and there was a swimming pool full of people, and I wanted to go swim, but Bishop T was there, saying "No, you can't go swimming with those people."  I don't know where Bishop T got his authority to impose his will on me, but I know what he stands for--the Catholic hierarchy and priesthood that continues to dominate and enslave my life against my will.  I never had much respect for Bishop T.  He was always an ass kisser instead of a moral authority and spiritual leader--the kind of priest and bishop that flourished beginning under JP2, and continuing under Ratzinger.  Even as a young woman, I knew his weaknesses, but as a brainwashed, young Catholic, I kept my opinions to myself, respecting the office, if not the man.  However, as a 30-something, I quit caring about him.  Why?  Because his kind of lame leadership resulted in about a dozen young Guatemalan boys being sexually abused (this hasn't been made public yet--I know it from my own time at Sacred Heart--one of these days though, one of those Guatemalan boys is going to grow up and find a good counselor and attorney, in that order).   Bishop T was in a diocesan administrative in Santa Fe, when the pedophile scandal of the 80's hit the diocese hard.  Santa Fe archdiocese took measures to make sure it didn't happen again.  Did it make any impact on T.  No.  Once given episcopal authority, he put a man, F King into a parish position, knowing his proclivities.  (I found out this by intuitive mind reading of the nuns who knew what was going on, and were furious about it, but as women, were completely powerless in Church affairs and authority, and could do nothing about it). 

So T is the symbol of the lame, ineffective hierarchy that, in the person of Pope Benedict will publicly apologize about the actions of the Church re: the hierarchy and the abuse, but privately will insist upon the violation against my person (oh yeah, I know Ratzi's involved in inflicting  my suffering personally--I've known it for years--it started when he was a Cardinal, and he may have been the top dog to initiate the abuse, years ago.  So Benedict, like T, never learns.  They finally apologize for all the horrible, hideous suffering they caused during the Inquisition, but under cover, they promulgate a new Inquisition, one based on false incarceration, psychiatric hospitalization, the force feeding of psychotropic drugs (the former Nazi soldier got that one from Stalin), the interference into my free will and choices.  The suffering I have endured from the abuse of  the past 10 years has been staggering beyond belief.  It is nothing but a chemical and psyhological torture akin to the fires and wheels of the earlier Inquisition.

And why?  Because I don't want to "swim"  (look it up in the dream dictionary) with you sorry bastards.  Well for me, swimming in the pool with others IS my vocation, and you can stop me today, but you can't stop me forever.  Guaranteed.  And this is one woman who won't buy your lies, your phony bs and pretentiousness any longer.  Shove it, T.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

So bloated that I am in severe abdominal pain

So bloated that I am in severe abdominal pain--the goddamned assholes have messed with my thyroid medication for about the last 1-2 weeks, causing weight gain, digestive discomfort (I can't digest my food--even tho I am eating just a lil at a time), and sincreasing severe bloating.  So now, I am suffering from the pain caused by all the intestinal bloat on my little extraneous abdominal organ. 

It doesn't matter.  All I can do is lay in bed anyway, I am so fucked up on psychotropic drugs.  I couldn't feven go to yoga, and now I am dealing with a severe headache, and messed up alienation from realtiy.  This after a couple of days when all I was on was speed, and was able to function at about 80%, now I am getting to the point that i cannot function at all.  I may have to call in sick tomorrow.  I just tried to web surf, and I could NOT understand ONE thing I read.  That will make it hard to keep a passing grade at work.  I don't care anymore.  I am so miserable and suffering every damned minute of every damned day I don't care.  I am about to tell off that stupid Opus Dei prick who has been assigned to spy on me.  I do my best to live out in Christian charity and ignore him, but I can read his brainwashed, fundamentalist mind from two rows away, and I am about to go off.  But the way things are now, I may be too sick to go to work at all, and even if I do, I may be too dysfunctional to retain a qualifying standard.  To bed. 

Sunday, May 11, 2008

When I was a little kid

When I was a little kid,  one of my adult cousins told me of experimenting with heroin one time.  He said that his perception of reality was completely bizarre, and he walked around, perceiving reality, as if his head was on backwards.  Always being the intrepid experimenter, I always wondered what reality would look like on heroin, but as I got older, I was too smart to ever put that stuff in me.  Well, that's okay.  Courtesy of the NSA and their psychs, I had the most bizarre perception of drugged up reality I could ever imagine.  I couldn't open my eyes at all, as all objects appeared small and far away, as if I were looking through wrongly prescribed lens; then when I got close to them, the same objects appeared overwhelmingly huge, as if they were smack dab in my face.  I was so sick I couldn't walk, I craved sugar, and suffered from a godawful migraine and motion sickness.

That was yesterday.  I spent all morning in bed, unable to open my eyes because I couldn't see straight.  About 4, I was able to get up and shower, and finally do some laundry.  All day, I felt like I had a severe hangover, whether of alcohol or migraine headache.  I could hardly move, though I am grateful for the little energy that enabled me to do the laundry.  Unfortunately, my energy didn't hold out.  I am too sick and headachy to do anything more.  My house is a total mess, and my work week starts tomorrow.  I hate starting a work week with a dirty house, but there is nothing for it.  I am too sick with these psychotropic drugs to barely function, and right now, making $$$ takes priority over everything.  And you know what?  I just as soon as not have had my great bizarre psychological experiment.  I can think of much better ways to spend my weekend.  No choice though.  I wonder if I am going to be suffering with this headache all day tomorrow.  God have mercy on us all.

Thursday, May 8, 2008

Still furious over what I know was flagrant

Still furious over what I know was flagrant election fraud, but I am too sick to even care much.  I went to work today and struggled for seven hours with severe pain, headaches, nausea and autism.   I can't even look at peoples' faces--it just is too overwhelming.  But I know one thing--I am not a sellout.  Yeah, I would get a lot farther if I would just sell out--look how far it got a totally characterless liar and teflon empty suit like the current Democratic presidential frontrunner, but I will die first.  Ambition, pleasure, riches--none of that shit motivates me to sell out.  I know that these bastards can make my life miserable and hellish for years and years and years (they already have done it for over 10 years), but guess what assholes?  You've already stolen my life from me, ruined any chance I have at personal happiness, and have left my body a ruined, obese wreck.  There is just not much more that you can do to me.  I will be who I am.  I will worship my God.  I will pray using the sixth "psychic" sense that you label "schizophrenia,but I know why you label it that--because it cannot be controlled or manipulated the way you control and manipulate millions.  Well fuck you all.  I may be a dying breed, but I will die with honor for who I am and what I stand for.  God have mercy on us all, and please Lord, start with me.  I am so tired of sufferinag pain and this hell of psychotropic drugs.  I am aready for it all to end.  NOW.  Yesterday.  I don;t care anymore. 

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Evil is ascendant everywhere

Evil is ascendant everywhere.  I write this truth as I am so sick with psychotropic drugs that I have to keep my eyes shut so that I am not overwhelmed with stimule.  Fortunately, I can type with my eyes closed. 

First off, I have to say it because somebody nees to know (even though if anybody cares or if anybody can do anything about it, I doubt).  Yesterday morning, I woke up with a strong sense of foreboding, that I carried all day long, because I had the strong psychic impression that the NC primary was being fixed.  To be honest, I thought that Hillary Clinton was going to be the cheater because I felt like she had the party apparatus in place.  But did I understimate the power of the forces of evil to get Obama into place. 

It doesn't matter who fixed the machines--whether it was agents of Rove and the Republicans (who know that Obama cannot win against McCain), or agents of the "Puppet Master" (and I think I know who he is now), who desperately wants the "empty suit" to prop up and  front out their sellout of humanity to the real enemy of not only the US, but the entire world.  The more I see of Obama, the more I am reminded of Bush; it is not that he is merely a political liar, which would be excusable since that is a ubiquitous occupational trait, but rather, and more tragically, he is an ontological liar--he lies in and from the very depth of his own self-alienated being, and he, like Bush before him, is probably completely unaware of the level of his own self deception.  The last best hope for humanity, the "white bitch" as she was called on MSNBC, was cheated by the forces of evil.  But still, I am so very proud of her, both of the campaign that she has waged, and of my own support for her.  I was so upset yesterday, as I tried to come to grips with the fact that whe would try to "cheat" her way to victory.  I would rather have her "lose" than sell out to the tactics of the enemy (which is what Obama has done, and guaranteed, will do on an even more unprecedented scale, proportionate to his power), because if we subscribe to the tactics of the enemy, the enemy still wins.  I hope she continues to hold out, and hope for a God given miracle (because as far as I can tell, the bigwigs of the Democratic Party are completely sold out too), or continue to root and pray for her as a NY senator--she can do more good as a senator holding on to her integrity than she can as a presidential candidate who is a cheat, liar, and controlled and bought puppet of corporate media and corporate weatlth.

As for me, evil is ascendant in my body too.  I am trying to hold onto my sanity as these psychotropic drugs cause rage and suicidal ideation to abound.  I am not a human being.  I am not a person.  I am being chemically set up to be drained by the forces of evil which right now, control everything, including my own body.  Today I can say the best that can happen for the human race is total annihilation, and the best I can hope for is death.  Marantha, Lord Jesus, and free us from this evil which has gripped and destroyed us. 

Tuesday, May 6, 2008




Goddamned psychotropic drugs--I think it is lithium now, kills my humanity.  I am sick of suffering this stupid shit all the fucking goddamned time.  GEt your goddamned drugs out of my body you pieces of shit.  All I can do is endure.  I dont know how I am going to start work on thursday.  Too damned fucked up--I am so full of impotent rage which is the only emotion that athese goddamned drugs allow me to feel.


Friday, May 2, 2008

Unable to concentrate

Unable to concentrate as these drugs sap all my energy and initiative.  I have lost years of my life to this shit.  I cannot read.  I cannot pray.  I cannot play music.  I surf the web, watch TV, and lay in bed while my unfocused mind, and drugged up body just tries to escape reality.  Soon I will be working but again, I don't know if I can hold a job as messed up as I am.  And then there is the smell.  I cannot stand my own chemical stench.  Every time I smell my body, I want to vomit.  Every morning I wake up and have to open up the window to let out the hateful chemical smell that lingers in the air after escaping from my pores in my sleep.  I am just disgusted beyond belief--with myself for being unable to exercise or function in life, but most especially to the assholes who have stolen years of my life with their stupidity and bodily violation of my once holy, energetic, and purposeful life.

Thursday, May 1, 2008

Really tired as I write

Really tired as I write--a massive blood sugar crash and migraine sent me home without doing yoga, and I just feel lousy.  It is the Risperdal causing the blood sugar crashes and craving for sugar.  I know--I have had it before.  The sad thing is that I don't need to suffer from these blood sugar crashes and resulting migraines.  When I am on thyroid medication (and NOTHING else), my blood sugar stabilizes immediately, and I start losing weight, partly because I don't feel the need to eat every time my blood sugar crashes. 

I am tired though of begging for my health (at least I am not as deadly sick as I was).  I dread going back to work.  The risperdal causes painfly muscle spasms that lead to chronic pain and body tension, and they also cause tendon spasms in my ankly making it impossible for me to walk correctly.

I am unable to sleep (all that speed), and have been waking up around 11 in the morning, unrefreshed from a night of yucky and broken dreams, instead of my normally healthy narrative-style dreams.  I don't know how I am going to be able to get up at 6 in the morning (when I fall asleep at 4), and be able to pay attention to training starting at 7:30 in the morning. 

Well, this day is over.  Time for me and my Fiornal headache to go to bed.