Thursday, January 31, 2008
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Maybe I owe an apology to Opus Dei. I had assumed that my thyroid medication had been tainted from motive of forcing spiritual mortification on me. But this morning, I woke up miserable not only from the bloated stomach (I took a digestive enzyme first thing this morning), but also miserable with lithium in my system. So changing my thyroid mecication is just another attempt to force psychotropic drugs onto my system. It won't work. I am not manic depressive or schizophrenic, and all these drugs do is mess me up, make me sick physically and confused and dazed mentally, and finally they make me unable to even function. Already, I got the first symptoms of lithium poisoning on me. I feel sick and fluish, dragging myself up and out of bed, barely able to walk, or as is the case now, to type, with these weakened arms (now that I think about it, I probably was under the influence last night in yoga because I was too weak to hold the positions). I remember last night I was at the library reading the same pages of my book over and over again, trying to understand what the words were saying. I thought the problem was the speed, because I cannot read when I have speed in my system. It doesn't matter what kind of psychotropic drug I am force fed. They all are effectively destroying my body and my brain and darkening my soul, forcing it into protective hiding, even from me. For the first time, I am forced to concede that I am not going to be able to hold a job when I am this incapacitated by drugs. For one thing, I cannot get up in the mornings, because I cannot sleep at night. I wake up sluggish and exhausted at around 10 am every morning. Fuurthermore, my brain is not clear enough to survive any kind of training or sustained concentration, and my body has too much pain and not enough stamina to work an 8 hour shift, much less a 10 hour shift. For the first time, I am recognizing that I am going to have to apply for disability. Totally depressing to even think of it, but my body cannot function like this.
So do I owe Opus Dei an apology? Only in a very limited sense. They may not have been directly responsible for tampering with my thyroid medication, but they still remain the ones responsible for my suffering at the hands of the security intelligence community.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Somebody wrote me, reminding me "that pushers don't care." I know they don't care. I have gone through two plus years of sheer hell, thousands of dollars in medical bills, and trashed and ruined my once healthy and strong body, and for what? For the goddamn NSA and Christian cultists to continue assaulting my body with speed and lithium. One of the damned Christians actually came up to me today and said, so saccharine sweetly, "oh, don't you feel better now?" I had to fight every impulse against going off against her stupidity, presumption and arrogance. I want to hit, kick, yell, and curse those people who have drugged me against my will (and yes, I know she was one). NO, YOU GODDAMNED BASTARDS, GET IT. I DO NOT FEEL BETTER. I FEEL LIKE FUCKING HELL. I suffer constant agaony from muscle spasms and arthritic joint and muscle pain. Now my body is starting to get a constant "burning" nerve sensation across my back and torso. I wake up hating life, and go to bed, hating life. I struggle to just barely function, feeling like I am suffering with a "call-in-sick" flu. Quit believing your own goddamned lies. How can I function like this? How am I going to be able to hold a job? I cannot think. I cannot feel. I cannot read or pray. The only thing I can do is lay in bed or watch TV. Even watching Tv is no relief--there is no emotional response from me. I am the walking dead emotionally, and physically, I am the pain beleagured, wish I were dead..
So why do I keep writing this, knowing that the pushers don't care, that they even come up to my face and ask their evilly stupid questions, about "don't I feel better." I do it, because right now my hero is Alexander Solzeniytzen (too sick to check the spelling). But just as he spent --and survived--10 years of unbearable physical and mental torment and torture at the hands of an out of control, abusive govt that feared spirit, freedom, and individual liberty, I have to somehow survive. I no longer think I will write my autobiography--there is too much pain in my life from the last ten years to ever re-live it. Instead, this is my autobiography, and it is true and honest, and I may be destroyed, but I will not be silenced.
Friday, January 18, 2008
Monday, January 14, 2008
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Saturday, January 5, 2008
Friday, January 4, 2008
Absolutely stoned and suffering on speed as I try to force myself to get up and live life. The dumb fuckers who have trashed my life and my body in their stupidity and arrogance have lifted the psychotropic drugs (not because they had any kind of epiphany either, but because I sought help from a legitimate psychic). However, it doesn't matter because I still am disabled by speed. At first the dosage was light--not strong enough to make me feel stoned, angry, and cramping all my muscles. Instead the dosage made me lethargic and unable to move, focus, or concentrate on anything. I can't even read right now. The words are meaningless and just go right through my brain, like liquid diarrhea. A light dosage of speed also makes me so tired that everything is a struggle. Yoga, yesterday, was sheer and total hell, as I tried to get enough energy to do poses for an hour. My legs were tree trunks and today again, they are so heavy that I can hardly walk about the house. And then, I still have the Christians playing their stupid mind games with me. I'm beginning to realize just how stupid I have been depending on the Christian Church for ANYTHING. All I wanted was some support in this lonely hell that I am in, and instead I get these stupidass Christians contributing to my misery by doping me in public places. Oh, and the smile on their face, as they think they are doing something great. It is becoming inescapably clear--the only people who truly help me heal, and offer me comfort in my pain are the "pagans." It took me 10 years to dump the Roman Catholics. I may be stupid, but my learning curve is not going to be that long this time--it won't take me another 10 years to dump Christianity altogether. I am trying so hard to deal with so many interior issues of pain and complexity, and instead, I have to deal with the chronic pain and alienated condition brought up by these drugs. Fuck you Martin, and fuck all the damned Christians who keep doping me. I WILL heal myself, despite all the damned extra weight you put on me.
Speaking of weight, I can't type anymore. My arms are too heavy with speed. They are numb and dead.