Somebody wrote me, reminding me

Somebody wrote me, reminding me "that pushers don't care."  I know they don't care.  I have gone through two plus years of sheer hell, thousands of dollars in medical bills, and trashed and ruined my once healthy and strong body, and for what?  For the goddamn NSA and Christian cultists to continue assaulting my body with speed and lithium.  One of the damned Christians actually came up to me today and said, so saccharine sweetly, "oh, don't you feel better now?"  I had to fight every impulse against going off against her stupidity, presumption and arrogance.  I want to hit, kick, yell, and curse those people who have drugged me against my will (and yes, I know she was one).  NO, YOU GODDAMNED BASTARDS, GET IT.  I DO NOT FEEL BETTER.  I FEEL LIKE FUCKING HELL.  I suffer constant agaony from muscle spasms and arthritic joint and muscle pain.  Now my body is starting to get a constant "burning" nerve sensation across my back and torso.  I wake up hating life, and go to bed, hating life.  I struggle to just barely function, feeling like I am suffering with a "call-in-sick" flu.  Quit believing your own goddamned lies.  How can I function like this?  How am I going to be able to hold a job?  I cannot think.  I cannot feel.  I cannot read or pray.  The only thing I can do is lay in bed or watch TV.  Even watching Tv is no relief--there is no emotional response from me.  I am the walking dead emotionally, and physically, I am the pain beleagured, wish I were dead..

So why do I keep writing this, knowing that the pushers don't care, that they even come up to my face and ask their evilly stupid questions, about "don't I feel better."  I do it, because right now my hero is Alexander Solzeniytzen (too sick to check the spelling).  But just as he spent --and survived--10 years of unbearable physical and mental torment and torture at the hands of an out of control, abusive govt that feared spirit, freedom, and individual liberty, I have to somehow survive.  I no longer think I will write my autobiography--there is too much pain in my life from the last ten years to ever re-live it.  Instead, this is my autobiography, and it is true and honest, and I may be destroyed, but I will not be silenced.