Friday, February 29, 2008

I've spent all day in bed--and psychotropic drug hell

I've spent all day in bed--and psychotropic drug hell as I try to cope with the fact that I am sick, in pain (from the constant arthritis caused by these drugs), and unable to bear any kind of sensory stimulation.  All I can say is that it is like a severe case of the flu, even down to the aches and pains.  I just can't do anything.  Of course, at least I can walk when I have the flu.  My legs are dead and I cannot walk now, but it is not the fiery kind of arthritic pain that is attacking me everywhere.  I have to keep my eyes focused on what is just ahead of me, for I am severely autistic again, and cannot bear to see any kind of motion or movement in front of me.  Now it has even reached the point that I can't watch TV--the images just seem to move out and attack me.  I cry.  I rage.  I lay in bed and wish for death, but I know that the people who are doing this to me are evil sons of bitches, and they probably find my constant pain, suffering, and torturous hell just sheer amusing (except for the sick, warped Christians who see it as an opportunity).  Fuck you.  Opportunity only for me to separate myself from you and your evil forever.  I have to hang in there, but now I am in too much pain (arms hurt from typing) gotta go.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

I keep telling myself to write, to document

I keep telling myself to write, to document, to share and remember always the sheer hell and torture that my own govt and former religious community--the Catholic Church are putting me through.  I have spent nearly all day in bed, as I am too sick to even watch TV.  I am having to take lots of thyroid glandular tablets and digestive enzymnes as right now, I am not digesting.  But that is not even the worst of it.  I am being given Risperdal again (maybe this time without thyroid) because my muscles are so weak that I cannot walk.  Once again, my legs and arms are totally dead.  Way too sick to do yoga.  I couldn't even hold a down dog for 10 seconds when I tried.  On top of that, there is the constant headaches and nausea.  I cannot stand any sensory stimuli.  Time to go to bed and cry.  Yes, you sons of bitches have broken me down, but you will NEVER get any cooperation from me.  I am beginnig to regret even contemplating a return to ANY Christian church.  Just sick of suffering at your hands while you try to force your conversion on me.  Toosick to continue and to weak to type anymore. bed. remember. Never let any one tell you they are a person of the spirit if they try to force  a conversion on you.  "No stick yet that can get my head right."  Except, as with Luke, there's nothing wrong with my head, there si something worong with yours!  And most certainly ur hearts and soul as well

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Every morning I wake up hating life

Every morning I wake up hating life, I go to bed hating life and being trapped in this drug addled, miserable, sick body, I wake up in the middle of the night, going out of my mind with the agony of being stuck in a brain and body that can neither feel, pray, or imagine.  The drugs I am on, make me constantly sick with nausea and flu like symptoms.  I feel like everything in my body is encased in concrete as I try to force myself to get up and function.  I am constantly craving protein and a full stomach, and I eat and eat, trying to get energy to feel just a little bit better, if only for a moment.  But it is all illusory, since ABSOLUTELY NOTHING makes me feel better--some things are just better at promoting escapism from this torturous, hateful, miserable zombie-like reality than others.  Even TV is proving less and less a successful escapism as all they are images without feelings.  I feel nothing, when I watch even a classic TV show that normally would engage my deepest emotions and pathos.  I can't even watch a basketball game--I have no emotions whatsoever even when my most favorite and most hated team are playing.  I am just a zombie.  I am capable of emotions though--rage.  I keep pushing down the desire to break every glass and plate in my kitchen cabinet, and cut deep grooves into my body to escape this torture.  I want to trash and destroy everything around me, but I keep rationalizing to myself not to do this.  I just HATE HATE HATE.  I hate the people who have drugged me, I hate the stupid assholes who are projecting on to me something I am not, and most of all I hate being in this body and brain that is a totally meaningless, emotionless zombie.  I don't know where I am at any more, but it is not in this this hateful, tortured, drugged up body.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Sick 24/7 with migraines and nausea

Sick 24/7 with migraines and nausea--caused by whatever drug I am being force fed now.  I don't even care.  I don't care about anything  It takes all my effort and energy just to function and drag myself to do the bare minimum.  There is no way I can hold a job right now.  I am so sick of this shit.  I am so sick of it. 

Friday, February 15, 2008

After a one day respite, I woke up drugged again

After a one day respite, I woke up drugged again, forcing myself to wake and get up.  I am thinking that there is a job I can successfully obtain, but it is a morning job, and my big question is, how am I going to be able to wake up at five in the morning for five days a week?  I just have to plug ahead any way that I can.  I am in a lot of pain from the implant in my lower back, but I have to keep walking.  I am going to return my books to the library today.  I was so excited when I was on the thyroid medication because I could read again, but I absolutely cannot read when I have speed in my system--the words on the page are just are meaningless.  I am 196 pounds, and am fatter than ever.  I can't help it.  I constantly crave protein.  I want London broil steaks and double cheeseburgers. I try to walk at least a mile every day to keep my muscles in decent shape, but the quads are locked, and my knees are tender because they are tweaking out  because I can't walk properly.  I don't know how much longer I can maintain.  Hang in there, Tita


Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Five fiornal in 2 1/2days

Five fiornal in 2 1/2days as I struggle with sick, sick migraines and nausea.  Even when I not laying in bed in agony with a towel wrapped around my head, wishing to God I were dead, I am sick with the queasiness and inability to tolerate any kind of sensory stimulation (typing with my eyes shut again).  One of my symptoms that I am  vulnerable to a migraine is that I can't stand flashing lights--even turn signal blinkers drive me crazy.  Last night, that symptom reached a new level, as for the first time in my life, I couldn't block out the signal.  I shut my eyes and my hand over the eye closest to the signal, but even still, in my brain, I could see the light flashing on and off., on and off.  I thought I was going to go out of my mind.    What does it matter.  My body is destroyed now, with all the psychotropic drugging and implants.  I can't even walk to the bathroom like a normal person.  There is no doubt that the SLI, Opus Dei, and the NSA have enslaved me forever, taking all my ability for joy, for a spiritual life, for Christ sake's, just being human.  All I can do is long for death.  I cannot stand to be in this crippled, broken down body anymore. 

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Now I can't walk

Now I can't walk--not only are my legs dead and feeling paralyzed, I have lost all sense of balance, so that I walk like a toddling baby or doddering senior--reaching out for something to hold onto with every step I laboriously take.  I'm desperately sick with all the symptoms of a migraine--unrelenting nausea, motion sickness, and the inability to bear any sensory stimulation (as I write this I keep my eyes shut so I don't have to see anything--especially any moving objects, as I type out letters)>  I am too sick to work. Too sick to function.  All I can do is lay in bed, and long for the days, before I got involved with the Spiritual Life Institute, when I was free, when I was a happy, strong physical and spiritual being, instead of the pathetic wreck I am now.  Too sick to go any further.

Monday, February 11, 2008

Now I can't pee.

Now I can't pee.  Ever since my back injury, I have had issues with frequent urination, but now the level of the psychotropic drug I have been given is so toxic that I can't pee at all.  I try, but nothing comes out.  I sure feel the toxicity.  The medication has gone from making me lethargic and fluish, unable to walk or exert myself to being unable to get out of bed.  Now I cannot even watch TV.  As with a migraine, I can't stand stimulation of any kind.  I just lay in bed with my eyes shut tasting that weird taste in my mouth.  I hope I go comatose.  I've already told God that if I do, I won't come back to rejoin the living.  I am a prisoner of evil here--the absolute worst kind of evil--the evil of religion and politics, and right now, I don't give a shit about the human race or its future, and I know no one gives a shit about me.  You can't use and abuse a dead person.  Maybe it won't be long.  Time to close the eyes and lay down again.

Friday, February 1, 2008

I'm very very sick

I'm very, very sick as the lithium soaks into my brain, and causes the same symptoms that it did two years ago--increased autism (which makes it difficult for me to drive and function in reality), inability to think approproately to the situation at hand, and finally the stiffening rigidity of my body.  I noticed last night that my torso and neck has the exact same rigidity that it had two years ago, as I tried to drive with a dying body poisoned by lithium.  Also, as previously, I am having a really difficult time cleaning myself after using the toilet, because there is no flex whatsoever in my torso.  I can't even put on my socks without major effort.  All of this is accompanied by the muscular pain and spasming as before.  So what?  Does the pusher care?  These assholes who are doing this to me, already know how poisonous lithium is to my body.  Unfortunately, they don't care about my body, or anybody elses's for that matter (except those of an unviable fetus).  In a different century, they already would have burned my body to "save my soul."  These people know nothing of the deep soul, or they wouldn't embrace suffering and pain as a means to conversion, which is exactly what Opus Dei does.  Well, I guarantee no conversion on my part when I am so sick, all I can do is lay in bed or watch TV--all my prayers and spiritual effort is focussed on getting on and walking to the bathroom, doing my basic daily living chores, hanging on by my fingernails for physical and psychic survival, and begging God, "please no more permanent damage."  I still haven't accepted the permanent damage these psychiatric torturemasters already inflicted two years ago.  I have to clean my house, do laundry, and go shoppingso I will force myself to move .  Please God, give me the strength and ability to persevere.