Saturday, December 31, 2005

brief period of lucidity

I am taking advantage of a brief bit of lucidity---the first in a while.
The SLI and their stupid, sheep followers, have been hard-edged by the power
and resources of a "black" agency (I am willing to bet its the NSA), and they make
my life a veritable hell, poisoning every place I dwell and work, with drugs--
a combination of speed and anti-depressants, I suspect.  I can barely function.
As a matter of fact, the only reason I persevere is because intellectually I
know what is happening.  When it is really bad--my legs are rubber and can hardly
walk, I'm so high that I cannot concentrate, and weird things are happening in
my brain---like they did when I took Imetrex (so that I am worried about having
a brain seizure), I know that the only way this will end is with my physical
collapse.  But I have no other recourse but to suffer it.  After having spent six
months in jail at the hands of these psychological idiots and spiritual midgets,
I know they care nothing about the long term consequences on my body.  And consequences
I already feel.  I don't know what is going to happen, though I can feel twinges in my
appendix, storing the poison, I'm having serious heart pain (wouldn't it be fun to have
a damaged heart for the rest of my life), and my body is so stiff and weak from the
inability to exercise that I literally cannot cross my legs without lifting one
over the other.  Worse of all, I am having those weird brain rushes, similar to the
ones I had when I was taking Imitrex.  How close am I to having a brain seizure?
A stupid sheep just came in and sat behind me.  It is all I can to not go off on her. 
Whenever these Christians come and do their Opus Dei or prayer group duty by spying on
me, or poisoning me (like the two Asian bimbos at the Econolodge),I creep out.
I can read their stupid, simple, brainwashed minds every time, and it horrifies me to
realize how the Church and its power brokers--i.e. the priests have totally undermined
and twisted the gospel message of Jesus to these people.  The interesting thing, too,
is that none of them have any depth of spirituality (the Asian women struck me as a
duo of Jehovah's Witnesses), but thanks to the brainwashing of the church and its priests,
they are so smug in their psuedo-spirituality that they are doing some great work.
This is not the spiritual life--my God, how the Church has degenerated.  Is this my call--
a regeneration of faith and spirituality---very far from the abyss of corruption where
they try to control bodies and minds, instead of welcoming and inviting the freedom of
choice that Jesus did.  These people are like the Islamic suicide terrorists.  They
know nothing of true faith or spirituality.  They are brainwashed sheep---agents of
action for the power brokers who use the name of Jesus and the spiritual life to
control and manipulate others. So I guess that I am being prepared to fight that, with
the added preparation of fighting against the tyranny of governmental abuse (but religious
abuse is always so much worse than political abuse). 
When my mind is clear, I try to pray, but all I can do is cling to God's promise---and
that gives me hope.  I think of people like Victor Frankel or Alexander Solshenitsen-sp?.
I've also been thinking a lot of John Sheridan's torture in B5.  The same thing that
gave him hope and allowed him to persevere works for me.  Thanks Augusta.  I know that
there are people on my side, and you are the primary one.  That is so important for me
when I realize how even my own mother sells me out (but then she has sold me out my
entire life long....what is new?)
It isn't that hard to be on my side---just respect my freedom of choice to define myself,
and don't abuse my body or mind.
Before I go, I have to say that I had a good dream last night.  Good dreams are hard to
come by these days. I dreamed of Dave Denny trying to tell me what to do, and I was telling
him no, I wanted nothing to do with him, and I went to S Therese who told me she didn't want m
me to live with her but with a woman who was about to get married.  It felt so good to
talk to Therese--someone else who really respects me for who I am, and I knew that she was
trying to tell me that I need to exercise a marriage committment.  I am trying Therese, but
these damned cultists keep going to extremes to keep me from living my vocation.

Saturday, December 17, 2005

Disembodied and Alienated

Am I ever going to get my body and mind back?  As I am force fed drugs (anti-depressants, I suspect) because they leave me so severely depressed as to be suicidal when they are at the extrene), I begin to despair of ever feeling healthy and whole, mind-and-body connected, ever again.  I no longer breathe right---I always had a deep, energizing breaths---now like most Westerners, I cut off my breathe at the chest.  It is an instinctive reaction to breathing in poison.  My back is in the worst shape that it has been in, in years, with escalating pain and muscle tension.  I do not know how much longer it will function.  Then, there is the ever increasing weight gain (which I despair of ever losing), and swelling and pain of my joints--my ankles are chronically swollen, and my wrists now have joint pain so bad (which they never did before) that I can't do down dog, which before used to be a resting pose for me.  In yoga, I realize that I no longer am connecting with my center, and I think that is because the drugs are alienating me from my center.  In a way, it is good, because I realize most Americans live like this everyday---no wonder we are a nation of dope addicts and addictive, idolatrous, patriarchal religion.  The simple reason is that we no longer are in touch with our bodies.  I'm sure all the idiotic psychologists and priests with DeBlassie and McNamara leading the charge, keep trying different dosages and preparations, wondering how to deal with a body so sensitive.  My body is not sensitive; it's just not alienated from, or subjugated to my mind, like theirs is.  My body talks and I listen.  I dreamed last night that my wise old woman archetype of my dreams was being poisoned.  That is the archetype for God/Jungian Self (If I were male, my image would have been of  white haired and bearded old man, but unlike most women, I am not alienated from my own deep feminine energies). 

If people had any connection with their body, we would not have a problem with addiction--and that includes co-dependent, patriarchal religion.  I know that I will never trust or talk to those people who have treated me like this ever again (though from the way they pop up on my buddy list whenever I sign on, they obviously believe their own lies and illusion). I miss talking to my real friends online.  Perhaps that is part of the severe depression afflicting me.  I have no one who really can relate to me.  There are people who could, but circumstances (the abuse I endure) prevent any real relationship from developing.  I don't know what would be more awkward--me being truthful or them being truthful.  I'm not into lies or superficial relationships, so its better that I be alone.  God, I long for a normal life.  Today, I was actually clear of the drugs for most of the day.  I even came into the room and watched a football game like a real person.  Then, I got cocky, thinking my tormenters finally had left me alone, and turned on the heater.  Now I'm alienated from my body, with a splitting headache, and my body's muscles all spasming from pain at the poison.  I told you, Tita---it is better to freeze than be poisoned, but you didn't listen.  These mind rapists are not going to let you go.  When I am severely depressed like this, I can think of only one way to regain control of my life, but I remember other people who have survived torture, and keep hearing that Merle Haggard song, playing in my head, "If we make it through December."  I know what my future is---I just have to make it through December.  Well it is time to take pain medication and try to go to sleep, with no heat, muscle spasms, a splitting headache, and the kind of unrefreshing sleep that is granted the poor sobs who are alienated from their own body.  God Im so pissed at myself.  I so desperately wanted a good night's sleep....not tonight. 

Monday, December 12, 2005


Well, it didn't take long for my persecutors to ruin my earlier Merry Christmas mood, joyful as I was at leaving ML's house. In retrospect, it is clear what a pathetically depressed woman she is, and while I disagree with her decision to medicate her depression, rather than deal with it through self-knowledge, spirituality, and therapy, it still is sad to just see her sit zoned out to the TV. Even the young man who helped me move, asked, "Is that all she does--sit there." Yes, Ira, except to get up for cookies or ice cream, she just sits there in her pjs and bathrobe, zoned out. That is what my persecutors wish for me, too. It is so much easier to control and manipulate people who are zoned out Well, I am zoned out--it is Monday morning, and I am a basket case, high, and sick. Obviously it is not going to be as easy to shake my persecutors as I thought. It was a waste of money to get this place. They can poison all my food and water, and I can't use the heater. I have to get up the energy to get out of here by the end of the week, but as always with this anti-depressant shit, I can't get up the energy to do anything. I feel too bad to even go to work, but I have no choice so I guess I will go and fake it. What is wrong with these fucking Inquisitors that they can't stand to see somebody happy and healthy and joyful. Just like ML, they want me to drink the poison they drank a long time ago. I couldn't believe how soulless the NSA/FBI agents I saw at Dr. Thall, really were. And then there's the sadism of the celibate monks who initiated this whole thing. I bring that up because I think there is something truly sadistic and/or masochistic about many celibates, especially power-trippers. Speaking of masochists, I am reminded of Escriva, and I wouldn't be surprised if Opus Dei is behind this whole thing. The next month will be hard--I wasn't able to sleep at all last night. These drugs effectively create anxiety when one is about to go into deep sleep (I wonder if they give these drugs to the tortured prisoners at Abu Gharaib --oh Geez, that's right, Bush says we don't torture). Well, I have seen the future and it is a soulless police state where they drug us to stay compliant and believe their lies. And the church men, hell, they sell out the information of who actually might have a soul left to steal. It's very hard to form coherent thought as tired and high as I am. Jesus help me--help me against the evil psychologists, the power-tripping priests, and the soulless Black Ops specialists. Just get me through today, I will be okay tonite.

Saturday, December 10, 2005

oh, addendum

Speaking of people who don't know me....Mary Lou became very agitated and paranoid (and they call me paranoid, even with all this damn speed I have in my system), saying, "you better not do anything to this house."  I have absolutely no intention of doing anything to this house, even though I have been systematically poisoned here for a month, but it was her own guilty conscience talking.  She knows what she is capable of, so she projects it on to me.  I'm not a person at all to her---just an image to conform in her own likeness---complete with dope addiction.

not much better

How long has it been since I wrote?  That is how long I have been totally mind-fogged and body wracked by drugs and pain, barely able to function.  I finally figured out that I was being poisoned through the vents and am finally at the end of my rope and leaving here.  I spent two days in a motel room barely able to move.  I wish I could say that I was recovered, but I can't, but I will say that I moving towards health, and moving out of here will be a big part of that.  Of course Mary Lou is not ultimately responsible for me being poisoned, but the bottom line is that I don't want to live with someone who I can't trust not to poison  the boiling water for coffee, on the stove.  I know she poisoned my meds, and I know she thinks the abuse and poisonous violence against my personhood is a good idea.  That is what I cannot abide.  We got into it deep time after she called me a bitch and told me I would never find a girlfriend because I was mentally ill--Ms Anti-Depressant pillhead who can't function without 5000 calories and 8 hours of TV a day.  I'm sorry, but its the truth, and I'm tired of taking abuse from these people.  She abused me, and I abused her back.  When are these dumbasses going to learn?  Abuse, control, and manipulation does not motivate me at all.  DD or PDB was on the chatline earlier, pretending to be Jamie 1705, someone who I know and who knows me.  How did I know, they were masquerading under a screen name.  Because they didn't know me.  When I told them that I wouldn't throw a first punch, DD responded "yeh right".  I knew right then it wasnt Jamie, because even though we have gotten down into some knock down fights, Jamie knows me, and knows when and why I fight. 

 I watched Mark David Chapman interviewed last night, and jail has made him honest.  He said that he didn't kill a man; he killed an image of a man that he built up in his own mind in an attempt to make himself feel better.  That is the whole essence of evil, and that is why SLI & the high powered law enforcement that they have involved, are so evil.  They don't know me, and they don't want to know me.  They have an image of me in their minds and it is that image that they try to dominate and control, because they can't relate to the real person of who I am.  I fight evil.  I will never be dominated by it.  I am not ashamed of my healthy anger against evil.  I suppose I could be more Christlike and suffer in silence, but God calls us all in different ways.  I've told these people over and over how and for what I am called, and they don't respect my free will or care about my chosen self-identity.  They feed their own illusory image of me in their minds and try to mold me into their image of what I should be....NO!!!!!  NEVER!!!!!! Get the picture.  I treat people freely and fairly, if sometimes a bit agressively, and how dare you call yourself servants of God, when you do not.  You will never motivate me. 

I don't know how much longer I have to endure this.  Obviously for a while.  I'm tired Lord.  But just like I watched Frodo last night struggle as he strove to rid himself of his ring, I know that I can only keep moving  for what I know is the good, no matter how tired I get.  And that good is a fundamental reorientation of spirituality---one that respects free choice and free will, worship under different forms and rubrics, and sexuality in all of its forms and manifestations, including my own lesbian love.

I'm not going to be online much for awhile, so I will be not doing much writing.  It is time to leave, but I will my music, God.  Thank you God for the gift of music to lift our spirits, and thank you for all the gifts you have given me to discern evil from good.  Blessings on everyone I love, and mental health and liberation to all those who live in fear of allowing myself and others to be who we are.  May you come to know God as S/he is---all-loving and all-powerful, and not a puny patriarchal Zeus at all.