Saturday, October 31, 2009

The wow is over

The wow is over and life is back to its regular subpar normal. Once again, I am suffering from nerve pain in my legs, as the fluid continues to accumulate on my nerve ganglia and my feet. I look at my ankles and feet with all the crisscrossed laser lines and wonder if I might eventually lose my feet and/or legs to amputation. Because I know the kind of substandard and lying medical treatment I will get, it's no use to ask a doctor---I just have to take life one dy at a time. I am functional today, as yesterday, but other than that, things have returned back to FUBAR normal. I walked yestercay to the library (about one mile round trip), but knew I couldn't meet my original goalof walking to the post office (round trip--two miles. I feel like a 70 year old senior, when I attempt to walk--so precarious and difficult to walk on totally deadened, neuropathic legs.
Then, there was the humbling realization that no poetry would take place. I had gone to the library, just to read. Since it is winter, I am hoping to spend at least part of my day in the library, so that I don't run up a huge heating bill that I cannot afford. But, as usual, going out in public just gives my torturers the opportunity to start the psychotropic drug download, which makes it impssible to concentrate or read anything. I am trying to read HP Blavatsky to get a grip on the occult understanding of demonic possession, since it is clear that is what TPTB have in mind for me. Of course, Christian that I am, I resist with all my might, but it is hard to keep up a meaningful resistance, when so much of it happens when I am defenseless in sleep. But once again--for the past two nights, I have had my dreams interfered with, so once again I am not capable of much, except watching tv. But I can't afford cable any longer. I thought of going to satellite which would be more affordable. Then, I realized it would enable the AAS (alphabet agency spooks)to amplify their attempts to hijack my unconscious, so that is not an option. Once again, feeling the depression and hopelessness that comes with not being healthy or mentally clear, but I have my FAITH, and hope in God to sustain me. So sustain me, Senor.

Thursday, October 29, 2009


Wow! All I can say after two days of mental concentration and lack of physical pain that is rare for me to experience. I still am drugged, but at nowhere near the levels I have suffered and endured for the last 4-5 years. I couldn't believe it when I noticed myself writing in cursive yesterday--my handwriting had the tight, neat scipt reminiscent of (what feels like)a previous, and entirely different, lifetime--when my mind was capable of intense focus and concentration. I have two styles of handwriting--one for quick notes or letters to friends--and that handwriting is large and sloppy, as I am borne along by my natural emotions of happiness and sometimes, even exuberance. But I have another, equally natural, handwriting style--that of a very tight and small (and neater) scipt, which is what I use when I am writing notes, or thinking at a deep level. I haven't seen myself write in that script in years, but yesterday I did.
I can tell, too, that I am reading on a different wavelength for the first time in years--namely I am able to appreciate the written word as language, as poetry, as aesthetic, instead of just information bits. Maybe tomorrow, I will try to read poetry, something I haven't been able to do, meaningfully, for years.
Last night while struggling to sleep, I realized that I was suffering from the same symptomology that I experienced when first the damned NSA/PTB began "poisoining" me. It was while I was living with Mary Lou in Rio Rancho, and I noticed that, at nite, while she was at work, the heat would begin venting through the duct grille, and I would suffer from sharp, agonizing joint pains, extreme anxiety, and these peculiar brain/body rushes that made it impossible to sleep. It was like a huge electrical pulse originating in, and shocking in my brain, and then jolting my entire body in an entire-body nervous system shock. It is impossible to fall asleep with that happening. Well, I have lived with untreated pain and joint degradation for so long, that any joint pains I have no longer register as anything other than an annoyance in a brain that has suffered years of unrelenting, chronic pain. But that high anxiety and those intense brain/nervous system electrical brain rushes can still keep me up at night. Anyway, I bring this up because it seems that my brain may be in a similar, more quasi-normal state as it was when this hellish nightmare of chemical poisoning first began. Of course, my brain is not the healthy, high performing organ it once was, but I do sense a letup in the psychotropic drug levels. For one thing, I am more connected to reality. Yesterday, when I went to do my mystery shopping gig--for a free oil change I couldn't get over how easy it was--so different from previous shopping gigs when I struggled to remember and do everything I was supposed to. It is hard to stay on task (remember to time your visit, get the name, etc) when it takes supreme effort to connect to, and stay in reality. It is like being drugged--not in reality. Nor is it a pleasant drug that makes one mellow--it is like speed, which (for me, anyway), leaves one anxious, irritable, angry, unable to focus or concentrate, like (as I always think of it) a demon is nipping at my heels, and pressing me uncomfortably.
Now that I think about it, the shop was playing a radio station of extreme hard rock which usually gets on my nerves after 2 or 3 songs, but because I was so attuned to reality, and not struggling to integrate it, I didn't have that feeling of needing to shut off extraneous environmental stimuli. Instead, I was comfortable in, and fully attuned to the reality that I was in, and even though that is not a favorite style of music for me, I found myself really listening and appreciating it for the entire half hour that I was there! Pretty amazing--not really--that is the way I used to be--not the way that I have been for the last 4 or 5 years.
Still, I am not myself in a healthy way. I spent all day reading, and my room likes like it did when I was in college--half opened books everywhere. I keep adding "must-read" links to my bookmarked pages, but I feel out of control of my studies. Somehow, I need to become better organized. But overall, I am just too "heady" right now. I need to balance it out with physical activity, and some kind of release valve (which in college, and in my 20's and 30's was social and intimate relationships and activity), but which is now tv, since I am denied friendship and relationship. Maybe tomorrow, I will work at balance, but who knows? Maybe tomorrow, I will be so drugged up that I won't be able to move. I just have to take each day as it comes, and not expect to much. I am not in severe nerve pain with my legs, so I will just be grateful for the small things. Hopefully, I can sleep tonight

Tuesday, October 27, 2009


Struggling to get up with any initiative. Go go bed feeling like shit. wake up feeling worse. So many little things need to be done but i have no energy or initiative. can't get down to get my winter clothes and space heater up. need to take documentation to dol but have no energy to either walk or even ride my bike downtown. need to make a photocopy but that requires loading the printer driver, and i have no energy or inititve fo find the printer driver and load it. Just feel like a big fat depressed slug, who just wants to cry, lay in bed, eat sugar to try to feel some energy and watch tv. amazing how when i ffeel healthy (which i did for several days, i have absolutely zero interest in tv--i was getting ready to cancel the whole thing), but as soon as Im enervated by psychotropic drugs all i want to do is spend the entire day watching b grade movies. normally they bore me stiff, but when the body and mind is not capable of any self-inititative, its the only thing to do, and amazingly im not bored--im hooked. I look at my face, and see my dead eyes, and downturned mouth, and remember the smiling, joyful, love-life person i once was. too damned sick and depressed to care. cant shake--there is no energy in body to direct and channel. Struggling, struggling, too, to get the mind to work, to make connections, to remember even simple things--mind just runs into a wall. Itls clear as it can be that not only do i suffer from permanent brain damage, but also that this psyhcotropic shit so handicaps my mind that my iq and memory is effectively halved. One final point-- when im on this shit, i dont remember my dreams, unlike normally when i have very narrative and strong, vivid dreams. All the better for the ptb to rape me in my dreams, and not remember a bit of it, or at least notremember enough of it, to interpret it. what a fucked up miserable existence.

Monday, October 26, 2009

A nonfunctional day

A nonfunctional day--too drugged to do anything. all noise stimuli hurts. body hurts. every msle, even biceps ache. woke up groaning--a sure sign that its going to be a nonfunctional day. worse of all is kidney pain extending all over my left side. never stops hurts to breathe my poor body. ketoacidosis going on. i can smell it on my urine for the last two times--not just once. my poor body is being destroyed too sick to care. another day whose only purpose is to wishe were dead.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

And now comes goddamned shit all over again

And now comes goddamned shit all over again--dont know what stupidass motherfucking drugs the fucking prickls have put in my system now. Totally dead. No energy. no ability to feel, no ability to enjoy anything, even a fucking football game. No ability to shake. I have no energy whatsoever. Not able to ride my bike. Just sit here and be high on whatever fucking psychotropic they rammed up my ass this time. Get fat. my fucking appetite is all fucked up., I cant eat. a bowl of stew and a muffin left me feeling like i want to explode. i been on this shit before, it causes me to gain weight. i eat because im desperate to feel some kind of energy, some kind of semblance of life, and my stomach is full and bloated while i put on pound after pound. what a fucking wast e of my fucking life. Miserable, drugged, lifeless and without any vitality.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Luciferians at it again.

Luciferians at it again. I told Dale I would scream if I were screwd, and IM SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS. Cab anybody hear? Most certainly not the toruring pricks who keep doing these painful psychotropic downloads on me. So Listen people. This is not the work of God, the sacred, the holy, angels, or even beneficent beings. This is the work of luciferian elements. God is a wooer, not a rapist, and what i experience is nothing but the most excruciatinly painful psychic and physical rape, though my torureres were gracious enough to allow me a couple of days when I almost felt human, but not whole, either physically or spiritually (too complicated to go into when i am so sick but i know what it is to live life to the full, n it certainly hasnt happened for years now). Anywat diwbkiads begab wguke was washing dishes. try so hard to get my house clean but everuu time i begin a project, the goddamned download starts, and with the agonizing muscle spasms, which right now r so bad i cannot even stand. i never know when the spasm is going to go and literally nearly knock me to ground. then there is the brain--the immediate shut down of ability to interface with reality all i can do is lie in bed and groan. no tv tonite. too mcuh pain. dont know if i can do yoga tomorrow. not if legs r like they r now. cant even lifte them. totally dead. too dead to even get in shower so im really going to have to wake up early tomorrow if i make it to yoga. right now too sik to care. bed.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Pain. Pain Pain

Try to exercise to get kinks out of a body that is hypersensitve to touch everywhere. every muscle is tender. too much headache to keep eyes open. such terrible pain. no relief. all i ask for is a supportive woman to touch and massage spasming muscles--instead i get pix of pricks. just what i need some self absorded dickhead in love with his penis when I desperately want and need someone sensive and skilled in use of hands. well nothing for it but to uste otc drugs and cry. pain is too much. God, send me a beautiful woman to help me endure this hell that is my life. A beautiful woman would make so much so better

Some relief from the psychotropics

Some relief from the psychotropics but body is completely wracked and out of whack from the last two days of relentless muscle spasms. My lower back is so messed up that I literally cannot stand up straight, walk normally or twist to clean myself after using the toilet. My lower back is completely curved into maximum scoliosis. My head still hurts and is tender. No time for self-pity though. One thing is clear. The goddamned pieces of shit responsible for my suffering will not let up. I have to take whatever respite I get and try to catch a psychic breath. I have to try to do somehting about my wracked, spasmed back, I have to clean house, do laundry and go grocery shopping before the fucking pigs turn the screws on their psychotropic rack once again. One good thing about clarity--helps crystallize the hatred to and resistance against these manipulative lying pigs and everything they stand for and attempt to achieve. Every day that I lay in bed, unable to move with suffering and pain, I pray that my agony count against their ambitions and agendas. One thing I know about this whole co0mplex of power tripping abusive torturers and tools of Satan, is that they know (and are very adept at) the power of the spirit world. It is the only power open to me, as powerless and trapped and truly sick as I am. No time for self-pity. Have to try to do something for my poor, abused, muscle spasmed body.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009


Nonfunctional after a horrible painfilled nite. Lost day. Hurts to breathe, type. move legs. so dead they cant walk. have to drag. Head hurst cant open eyes. everym muscle in body in spasm. nothing i can do. apparently this is punishment for pulling covers off the nocount naked emperer. all i can do is pray for death. have no desire to be a part of thes torturers assholes plans. too sick to do anything. in too much pain

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

TPTB have really amped up the torture

TPTB have really amped up the torture in the last couple of days. My legs are walking stumps. I am in so much pain from my nerves on my left side from hips to knees, even tho i cant feel my legs. Migraine headaches from the downloads which make me nauseas. But overall, I am happy, happy because the morhterfuckers, no matter how they try, can't destroy my free will. And I choose to be fully human, fully alive by insisting upon acting on my free will no matter the pain and suffering, and pain and suffering r pretty bad right now. The only question i ask myself now, is whether it is time. appropriate to take things to the next level. When I have nothing to lose. but its not just about it--taking things to next level could have widespread repercussions that i wouldnt want. But honestly, can i stand by and suffer while these fuckers try to force their warped evil vision of reality on all of America???? Some things to ponder in next few days, hard to think when i am so fucked up on drugs and with unending pain.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Legs are getting worse

Legs are getting worse and worse--deader and deader as I try to walk or move. Pain is getting worse too. I spent the last two nites crying as I struggled with the pain. Even now, I just want to shake to get rid of pain, too late at nite to listen to shaking music tho.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Another bad day

Another bad day--nearly passed out in the truck and feeling like shit now. All kinds of shit going on but I cant get a grasp on it because i am too fucked up on this goddamned alien shit that destroys my body and brain (all the better to serve the evil empire, my dear). on tv watched segment on brain damage and rewiring--i realize that i now clearly am suffering from symnptoms of brain damage caused by the lithium. I never used to shut eyes and move hands when talking. too sick to make any sense. need to go to bed, knock out on alcohol tylenol pm and hope i wake up tomorrow feeling better.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Another level of torture begins

Another level of torture begins--constant migraines, nausea, and vertigo. I spent part of the day laying down with a sheet wrapped around my head. Felt a lil better after taking a fiornal (but I can't continue to take fiornal--i don't have enough of the medication)/ Went for a bike ride, it was a lovely autumn day in the bosque--the kind that makes me long for intimate companionship. Then back home to more nausea. I can feel the tenderness in my head, the bulging need for pressure in my neck and constant vertigo and dizzinesss. The eyes once again do not want to open. Couldn't even watch tv because the images were making me even more nauseaus--especially of motion. Tried to do some shaking, but i was so sick that i could not shake until i laed down and just moved my legs. On top of it all, I am sick with sweaty heat and nauseza. even writing this , i feel the goddanned shit downloading, the heat , nausea, ssick. i probably will end up taking fenergan. too sick to write anymore

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Politics may be changing but the goddamned religous zealots

Politics may be changing but the goddamned religous zealots continue to hound and harass my life. I've had a very hard day with a sick friend but it doesn't help to come home and have the goddmaned pricks downloading all these psychotropics in my head. I am so sick and nauseated with severe headache and vertigo. worst of all my body muscles are now locked because i havent been able to do any yoga. the ongoing neverending pain of back spasms is sheer hell. i hoped to go to yoga but tomorrow but right now i am on the cusp of being comepletely nonfunctional once again with pain. i am so sick of this fucking shit. i got cockroaches all over my house because i was too goddamned sick to have the pesticide man pay a svc call. i just am too sick to do anything.
But hell, that is okay the fucking opus dei and roman catholic police are still at it, trying to get a "saint" they can own and understand, playing stupid games as if i don't know that they follow ever "healing" however mild or innocuous i attempt, or try to hide from me my own hermaphroditic nature. Why? Becauyse in their small little world, that indicates special status. Bullshit. I am no more special than all the rest of the intersexed men and women of the world. That poor South African runner who was roundly humiliated for her intersex nature is not more a potential saint or icon of special humanity than I am. Than EVERY SINGLE PERSON in the world is, whether definitely male, female or intersexed. My healing abilities are no more special than those of the 10-15% of the world population that has healing ability (nearly all of it latent, unrecognized, untapped and unappreciated. Why? Because of religious zealots who, like the ones who persecute me, deny their free will, their own self-empowerment, and their own choice at self-identity. And why not? Look at the hell I have suffered by insisting on being free and self-determined. So, the poor pathetic relisious zealots, without an ounce of genuine spirituality in their makeup, move to control me, to fetishize me, to be celibate (or at least heterosexual--"no no no--there's no such thing as a saint who is actively homosexual"--that is because they have no clue what constitues sanctity, obedient to their sick warped satanic Pope, and available for their every projection. FUCK YOU ALL. I prayed for Lupe today, even though it was very sad to see her sick to the point of dying, because Lupe did not treat me like a "saint" (i.e she didn't put webcams in my house to watch my every move, she didn't insist that I conform to her expectations, she didn't drug me against my will so that I would be the "good girl" "kept woman" model image of feminity that Catholics so prize, and that the SLI and the teachings of JPII tried to shove down my throat, until the point of comeple disassociation. Any real woman would do the same, but there are a lot of psychological girls in the zealot's ranks who do their bidding and contribute to the prison walls that is now my life, but better to be free inside of my soul and heart and imprisoned on the outside, than to be imprisoned on the inside while the Catholic spiritual lameasses all flock around wanting me to touch them to heal them. Fuck that. Healing does not occur until the person wanting to be healed takes up their own co-creating responsibility for healing. And Lupe with all of her psychological problems, was NOT a "girl." For all of her bad habits and heavy drinking, she took more responsibility for her healing than all the rest of these candle-lighting, pathetic crowd demanding a saint. Why? Because she never expected or assumed healing of me. I was not a "saint" to her. I was a friend. She drank whiskey with me. She ate barbeque and Thanksgiving turkey with me. She gave me 5 Vicodin when I was suffering terribly from the goddamned lithium and brain stem strangulation--that was a guardian angel move, because I don't know how i could have survived that time frame without those Vicodin (I broke them into thirds). She told ribald jokes to me, and laughed and chatted with me about nothing consequential, which for someone of my intensity, is the most refreshing and appreciated of gifts. She was uncomfortable with my being lesbian, but she accepted me as I was and understood that even though she didn't understand my sexual orientation, she knew that I was still a good person, and allowed me the freedom to be me, including my lesbian sexuality. That is why my prayer had (and hopefully, has--at least until tomorrow) efficacy for Lupe, because she was a friend to me who went out of her way to try to make my life a little easier. For all you 10-15%ers, you need to start shaking off the shackles of organized religion, and recognize your spiritual freedom and self-empowerment because the world needs you. I need a friend, an intimate friend. Situations like today remind me how desperately I need someone to share my life. I need someone to talk to, someone to hold me, and to love me, and to cuddle with me. I need someone to massage my spasmed back, to kiss me and caress me, someone to relieve my sorrow and loneliness. Instead I got nothing but the goddamned spies reading every word and monitoring me from multiple webs while they say, and chanting the same old tired litany, drinking the same old wine--"Well just tell God how lonely you are and God will fill everything, and then we will have our celibate, "pin the tail on the donkey" saint. These assholes don't get it. Never have. They are living according to an outdated template that has no validity for the future, and especially for my future. But they won't listen (hell, they still play the same game of disinterest), so there's nothing for it but a nite of pain and suffering--gotta try to sleep with my back so fucked up and my head spinning with vertigo.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

A nite of screams and tears

A nite of screams and tears as violent pain once agrain wracked my body--especially my whole left side of lower bag, buttock, hip and thigh. The nerve pain is just unbelievable. I can see the necrotized, absent (dented) tissue in my thighs where the implants are literally destroying my body, and sending the shooting pain to nerves in my thighs.
I woke up with the head a lil clearer, as if the psychotropic drugs I have been forcefed the last three days are gone. Unfortunately the goddamned mothefuckers so traumatized my brain and body so badly that I still am severely dysfunctional. Once again, I am suffering from severe vertigo--I'm not talking mild dizziness--I'm talking a feeling of imbalance and violent dizziness so severe that I have to walk holding onto something for balance, and fear passing out or collapsing in a heap whenever the vertigo hits--which it does every time I move, even if just a slight turn, my head. I am not seeing out of my right eye, and my entire head, but especially the right side is tender to the touch. My brain is not right--jphysically/spatially speaking--it feels like it is pressing against the top of my skull and down on my neck. Even though it is extremely heavy, I feel giddily lightheaded, especially when I walk, as if I am down with a high, high fever (which has only happenedd a couple of times in my life, but I recognize it). I am hoping that my brain is swollen, and that as the swelling recedes so will the vertigo and my tenuous ability to function in reality. Otherwise, what has happened is the severe head pain and trauma has once more caused my inner ear "rocks" to roll out of place, and there is no treatment for that but physical therapy. This happened once before when I had a severe migraine, but I had insurance then, and access to a good physical therapist who healed it. My body is so wracked and traumatized by migraines and head pain on such a regular, nearly daily basis, that I quit crying over it a long time ago. Like an animal, I just suffer mutely, in neverending pain at the hands of my torturers. Now the severe head trauma may have rolled my rocks again, but the mds I see are next to worthless, and I can't go to the ER because of fear of being forced again into the hell that is a psychiatric hospital. It is better to be in hell in my home, than in a hospital with a bunch of really ill people, and stupidass doctors who only have access to the factual info they memorized and no commonsense or depth of awareness of the human personality and reality whatsoever. So I am going to have to try to live with this new level of suffering. I have to try to drive today--just a little bit--to see if it is possible for me to drive all the way to Corrales tomorrow to see Dale. Just take it slow, Tita, take everything very slowly.
Addendum--after taking a shower for the first time in threee days and getting into a pair of shorts, it is clear that the goddamned fuckers have once again caused me to gain weight. my guess is about three or maybe four pounds. i have no access to a scale but i can tell by the way my clothes DON'T fit me, that once again the pieces of shit have put on fat on my body--fat that I will never get rid of, fat that makes it impossible for me to wear clothes that already are at the limit of rack and wear, fat that drives me to despair because i know no matter how i try i cant lose it. One thing is clear from this last interlude--there is absolutely no point in trying to maintain my body--every effort on my part is met by a redoubling of the drugs and pain. I'm better off just being a slug watching tv, and hoping that one of these days these stupidass motherfuckin g pieces of shit sends my tortured body into a stroke or coma from which i never recover. Better to be Beatrix, and being raped, while I am unconscious, than to be conscious as I am, and to endure this neverending nitemaring of psychic rape and aware bodily torture.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Another lost day

Another lost day--mostly spent in bed with good moments of being able to watch tv, but not for long peroiosd or with any interest. The most disturbing physical symtom to manifest itself has been a severe vertigo. I cannot even tilt my head without swooning to the point of feeling faint. No way i can drive like this. ill pass out turning head. i swoon every time i stand up or move my head in the slightes. this is in addition to ongoing jpain , severe nerve pain, which has me crying out right now. to make it worse, moving head makes me dizzy, gives me vertigo. wont e surprised if goddamned piesces of shit fuckers have messed up my inner ear again, migraine has been so severe like last time i had this vertigo, but i no longer have insurance to get it fixed. God knows the stupid mdds ofthis medical system wont know how to heal it, cant afford physocl therapist.

brain stem being strangled again

brain stem being strangled again--i know, in addition to not being able to bear any stimuli whatsoever, my eyes can't move. no lateral or up, down movement. its like i have a mixed gaze. learned this from online, how i dianosed myself with brain stem strangulation in first place. i figured it out but the sorry lameass nuerologist gurule had no idea. i am too sick to move, too sick to do anything. im so glas i cancelled pest svc, because i am too sick to pick up my house and too sick to escort the man around. too sick to do anything. head hurts so bad. severe severe headache. normally i would take fironal but because i dont hanve adcccess to prescription, thanks to the goddamned dumbass mds who believe the mib instead of looking at reality in the flesh thinks im a dope addict, so i have to suffer with headache. if it gets too bad i wll take it. dizzy, drugged, so fucked up, but still defiant in my proclamation that i am a free human beign and just because u fucking pigs cant get inside of my head to read it or program it, is all the more reason why i want nothing ot do with u , n ur warped vision of reality. its going to be a bad day. nothing i can do but suffre in slienc.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

very very sick

very very sick, spent most of day in bed. cancelled svc because too sick to even pickup, clean house a lil bit. canot bear any sound, except most gentle soothing. cannot read, cannot think, watched a lil tv but not really. imnot really in realizty, at least psychologically, physically i continue to sufffer from sever pain, but im so fucked up i dont care about anything. just want this hell to end.

Yes, definitely wish I were unconscious in this hell

Yes, definitely wish I were unconscious in this hell that is my life. beatrix kiddoo you wuss. Night of unimaginable pain and suffering as i couldnt even hold out leg straiht without severe nerve pain. figured out that i have some kind of bleeding going on in my nerve damaged legs. what i feel in my outer thighs as knots are actually capillaries and they are bursting into bleeding sores on the oustide of my thighs. I have a bout a half dozen sores on my left leg n one on my right. woke up too sick to do anytning but lay in bed. im suposed to have a pesiticide man comin gtomorrow. thinking of canceling it because i dont know where i will get energy o do one hor worh of work that needs to be done. i am so fucked up right now i cannot imagine doing anything.

Monday, October 5, 2009

i envy beatrix

i envy beatrix--at least she was unconscious for her four years of hell. i have to feel it--nobody could feel as bad as i do. severe nerve pain, muscular weakness, inability to keep eyes open. beelly cold, i would suspect risperdol exept i smell overwhelming ammonia, nitrogen in my urine, so bad i had to even pee. more than anything elese i just want to be fucking dead so this ficking suffering is sover no revenge, just eascape from this fucking hell that is my life. on top of all that i am sfussuffering from severe heat flashes--in october. so overheated ic ant stnad my own body sick of htis shit god, please please end it all. my life is not worth living.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

For the first time in years,

For the first time in years, I forced myself to run. I didn't run very far--I ran in bursts of 20-50 yards for about a half hour. Pretty awesome achievement for someone like me, who cannot feel or control my legs. It was hardest on the hips and back, though, as the alien implants immediately forced those muscles there into rigid spasm. I was lucky to make it back home. The alien implants started shooting the nerve pain through my ankles and I barely got home. Note for in the future--drive or bike. What a tragedy that I can no longer walk for any amount of distance--a mile or two or three--comfortably. All my joy at physical exertion, exercise, and yes, exhaustion, stolen from me by torurers who have no love of the human body or the human condition, but want some luciferian outcome in which they think that they transcend the joy of being a mortal, flesh and blood, body-person only to become slaves to a mental holographic prison. I think the reason I love watching "Kill Bill" (besides checking out all the fine women kicking ass) is that like, Beatrix Kiddo, I want my revenge. I don't want to kill anybody, but I want revenge against the horrible torture and injustice done against me. And like Beatrix, who spent three years in a coma, my body is totally dead. I understand her, when whe drags her paralyzed body up and tells herself, "wiggle your big toe." I told myself today, "run to the pole", and though it was only 20 yards away, I felt as ecstatic as Heidi and Klara when Klara could get up and make a painful step.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

New pathology caused by alien virus/military intelligence torture

New pathology caused by alien virus/military intelligence torture--severe asthma. My upper back and shoulders are starting to spasm so severely that they are causing asthma--severe asthma in me. I lay awake last night unable to breathe, and coughing terribly when I tried. I don't care anymore. There's no point of going to the doctor where some stupidass allopathic idiot isn't going to take time to ask questions or get facts--why bother when some dumbass in black feeds them a bunch of lies. The thing about ashma (and I am asthmatic right now, just not severely so ) is that it makes the body more vulnerable to other diseases--especially colds and flu. I pray I get the flu. I look for any and all reason to leave this body. Everything I do that I enjoy is denied me--work, relationships, even simple physical exercise. I can no longer do yoga--since my arms are so weak they can't even hold me up, it's a waste of time to find a gym, because the minute I walk in the door, the psychotropic viral shit begins and I have to leave because I'm too fucked up to do anything. I can't even go for a simple bike ride before my body and neck starts spasming so bad that I can't even turn my head or keep eyes open. Yeah, I pray I get the flu-- I pray I get it so bad that this life, with all its slavery, pain and suffering, finally ends. Time to start another day in hell, with arms that are so weak they can't hold a coffee cup and head so heavy, I can't lift it up. Entire body tortured, wracked, made worse by pain in lungs and inablitly to draw deep breath.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

After another lost day, body deteriorating

After another lost day, body deteriorating--cannot touch my toes from seated position, lower back is permanently spasmed, feels out. cant do down dog. cannot bear my own weight on wrist joints and fingers, which feel severely arthritic. cannot evn do cat.cow. belly muscles are so spasmed that i cannot lowr them to ground on top of all this is the never ending headache which makes any interacxtion with reality apoinful--even tv is too muchj. need to keep it all down. dont see anything changesing. no hope. no future. just unremitting suffering. fine. ll is going to come out.

More dreams of cockroaches

More dreams of cockroachesin a dilapidated house. Also dreamed of being anally raped (much as I did dream of NASA astronauts anally raping me). I put my hands around throat of rapist but had no strenght to kill. could not recgonize. I dont know if im on psyhcotropics or if the download shit has just been intensive but it will be a nonfunctionaling, painfilled day. The level of torture i experiecne at the hands of these nazis is just unbelievable but i dont care. i was born a free woman and i will suffer as a free woman and i will die a free womna. jead hirts amd os temder/ ,u face os b;pated amd swpollen from all the excess lymphhtic fluid. When God, will this torture end> Not today, I have to accept i am a prisoner of war in the fight between good and evil (and it is evil pulling the strings on the torture of my body). I am a prisoner of conscience who has to stand up for what i know and believe to be trye. I am a medical victim whose RNA/DNA is being radically changed so that I become a host body for the most loathsome and ungodly kind of evil alien being. And I suffer from the most incredible pain every day of my life but can get no medical treatment or amelioration. BBut I have to be strong to be ture to myself , no matter the pain level, the cockroaches, the unending torture. I am a prisoner of war.