Wow!

Wow! All I can say after two days of mental concentration and lack of physical pain that is rare for me to experience. I still am drugged, but at nowhere near the levels I have suffered and endured for the last 4-5 years. I couldn't believe it when I noticed myself writing in cursive yesterday--my handwriting had the tight, neat scipt reminiscent of (what feels like)a previous, and entirely different, lifetime--when my mind was capable of intense focus and concentration. I have two styles of handwriting--one for quick notes or letters to friends--and that handwriting is large and sloppy, as I am borne along by my natural emotions of happiness and sometimes, even exuberance. But I have another, equally natural, handwriting style--that of a very tight and small (and neater) scipt, which is what I use when I am writing notes, or thinking at a deep level. I haven't seen myself write in that script in years, but yesterday I did.
I can tell, too, that I am reading on a different wavelength for the first time in years--namely I am able to appreciate the written word as language, as poetry, as aesthetic, instead of just information bits. Maybe tomorrow, I will try to read poetry, something I haven't been able to do, meaningfully, for years.
Last night while struggling to sleep, I realized that I was suffering from the same symptomology that I experienced when first the damned NSA/PTB began "poisoining" me. It was while I was living with Mary Lou in Rio Rancho, and I noticed that, at nite, while she was at work, the heat would begin venting through the duct grille, and I would suffer from sharp, agonizing joint pains, extreme anxiety, and these peculiar brain/body rushes that made it impossible to sleep. It was like a huge electrical pulse originating in, and shocking in my brain, and then jolting my entire body in an entire-body nervous system shock. It is impossible to fall asleep with that happening. Well, I have lived with untreated pain and joint degradation for so long, that any joint pains I have no longer register as anything other than an annoyance in a brain that has suffered years of unrelenting, chronic pain. But that high anxiety and those intense brain/nervous system electrical brain rushes can still keep me up at night. Anyway, I bring this up because it seems that my brain may be in a similar, more quasi-normal state as it was when this hellish nightmare of chemical poisoning first began. Of course, my brain is not the healthy, high performing organ it once was, but I do sense a letup in the psychotropic drug levels. For one thing, I am more connected to reality. Yesterday, when I went to do my mystery shopping gig--for a free oil change I couldn't get over how easy it was--so different from previous shopping gigs when I struggled to remember and do everything I was supposed to. It is hard to stay on task (remember to time your visit, get the name, etc) when it takes supreme effort to connect to, and stay in reality. It is like being drugged--not in reality. Nor is it a pleasant drug that makes one mellow--it is like speed, which (for me, anyway), leaves one anxious, irritable, angry, unable to focus or concentrate, like (as I always think of it) a demon is nipping at my heels, and pressing me uncomfortably.
Now that I think about it, the shop was playing a radio station of extreme hard rock which usually gets on my nerves after 2 or 3 songs, but because I was so attuned to reality, and not struggling to integrate it, I didn't have that feeling of needing to shut off extraneous environmental stimuli. Instead, I was comfortable in, and fully attuned to the reality that I was in, and even though that is not a favorite style of music for me, I found myself really listening and appreciating it for the entire half hour that I was there! Pretty amazing--not really--that is the way I used to be--not the way that I have been for the last 4 or 5 years.
Still, I am not myself in a healthy way. I spent all day reading, and my room likes like it did when I was in college--half opened books everywhere. I keep adding "must-read" links to my bookmarked pages, but I feel out of control of my studies. Somehow, I need to become better organized. But overall, I am just too "heady" right now. I need to balance it out with physical activity, and some kind of release valve (which in college, and in my 20's and 30's was social and intimate relationships and activity), but which is now tv, since I am denied friendship and relationship. Maybe tomorrow, I will work at balance, but who knows? Maybe tomorrow, I will be so drugged up that I won't be able to move. I just have to take each day as it comes, and not expect to much. I am not in severe nerve pain with my legs, so I will just be grateful for the small things. Hopefully, I can sleep tonight