sick sick sicker.

Sept.30,2010--I've got a weak wifi signal in my home so maybe I will post this after writing. Having a really hard time. Last nite was a nite from hell as I was up nearly all nite with a migraine and sick stomach, and the very same is happening again. I lost my wallet at the library today with about seventy dollars, my id, checkbook, and credit card. Had to spend part of afternoon dealing with all the problems. I could get angry at the thief, but I know it was my fault because I am 3walking around so drugged up that I am barely in reality. not focussed or engaged in life at all. Just faking it. Tonite is lining up to be another nite from hell. so very sick. Head has broken out in pimples and boils, no doub from all the forced hormonal changes. For I am losing muscle at such an accelerated rate, I know that the Pibs hav e to force feeding me hormones and chemicals to turn my body from its strong healthy vigor into a fat slug. My body no longer feels like it belongs to me at all. It is dr. Mengele's, and I cant wait until I can set up a a cosmetic masectomy to get rid of the freakish man boobs that are in the wrong place, now that the goddamned aryan butchers destroyed my God given frame. Instead of being centered, they are on the edges of the torso with breast fat extending under my arms. I will never find a bra with cups so unnaturally placed. Even now I have to wear the large size bras that I no longer fill out, because the cup fitting bras cannot reach the unnatural placement of the boobs on my nazi altered chest. Looking freakish is only the half of it. I literally cannot move my arms without running int0o interference from my own body. they dont belong to me. they are not mine, and I want to see nothing there but two small scars. I tried to bandage then down and flatten them so that they would stay out of the way, but i am no good at that kind of thing. I just them gone. So I am just fucking miserable trying to live in a body that no longer belongs to me, an inch shorter, much fatter, with my arms not able to move freelyh. On top of all that, my head is breaking out in pimples and boils from all the hormonal and chemical shit being forced down my ody..

But the body problems dont even bbegin to compare to the mind problems. Im so sick Im not funcional, which is how i ended up losing my wallet. House is a terrible mess,k but i am too sick to care. Walk around with sick headache, eyes barely open too see. Have so much to read, so much to think thru. but that is impossible in this state. I wanted to help out in the Denish campaign for governor. She is a politician of immense integrity (as far as politicians and power and money brokering goes), and it makes me sick every time I hear another sleaze ad put out by her opponent's Big Oil coffers. I am not an ideologue. I recognize and respect a candidate of quality and caliber even when I completely disagree with them. Such is the case with Joe Miller, the Tea Party candidate from Alaska. I would never vote for him but if I lived in
alaska and he won, I would know that my political representative would be a true professional and person of character, even if I disagreed and fought with him tooth and nail. I cannot say the same for some of these other clowns that the Tea Party is endorsing. It is scary, and I, for one, would be intensely uncomfortable with a know-nothing (not ONE of her ads have been substantive), big money, ass kisser running our state, whose only strength seems to be the proven Rovian tactic of spending outlandish sums of money on misleading, mudslinging ads. So I really did want to help out with the Denish campaign, and thought of volunteering 12 hours a week doing simple things, nothing too challenging, (though I am pretty good at talking politics on my feet). But who was I kidding? I can barely get up and move around my house. I am so drugged up that anyone who encounters me has to think I am seriously mentally ill. I have so many things I want to do that I can't do. Like clean my house. I just am tired of beig isolated. I would like to talk to people on a regular basis. But again, when I am this sick, it is too hard to talk to other people. My mom told me to get a cat, but I thought of that years ago, and discarded the idea because it would not be fair to an animal to live in a home where the air is full of drugging chemicals and the whole house is wired with magnetic coils to force the body's mental frequencies to reasonate high enough to go astral planing or shape shift. Not only that, I woulent be surprised if the house was being bombarded b y ELF waves to keep me depressed, mentally sluggish, and barely fucntioninjg, while the PIB's work at enslaving me for good. No, as muchas I would love to have a pet, I could not subject them to the hell that is my life.

As for me, time to try to go to bed. brain is rushing once more in the jolts that keep me awake so i am going to have to drug up. Im so hot. I cant believe the heat that is emanating from my body. My room is in the fifties and i am so hot. hope i can sleep . at least better than I did last nite.

Part II will have to wait

Sept 28, 10—Part II will have to wait. Very very sick again. Severe migraine pain with the implants shooting pain through my head. I feel as though my brain stem is shutting down once again. After working out yesterday for the first time in weeks, back is completely jacked up again. Couldn’t help it. I am so tired of seeing my body just turn to lard. But now it is the sick headaches and the hot flashes that are getting me. It is is the fifties outside and I have the AC and swamp cooler blasting away to try to get rid of the sick hot flashes and dry off the sweat breaking out all over my body and face. I know that the PIB’s are making sure I don’t write anymore. They know that I am 95% there, and even if I never did a bit more of research I could outline the whole sad, sorry history of reptilian domination. I do like to be sure of myself before spouting off. Still if I had someone to talk to, I would spill the beans. It is just so hard to writ e when I am so sick. Give a big hint. Aryans (apostate, occultic Jews?) went to Britain and Ireland back in the BC era. British monarchy totally subjugated to reptilians and has been for centureis. For that matter, nearly all of European royalty and ancient “noble” families are subjugated to the reptiliansIt is on the web. Just have to look for it. As for me, I am going to bed with pain meds. Fantasize that someone loves me and holds me and cares for me and try to sleep. If I die before I wake, blessings on all my children….

Woke up, but still very sick and woozy. Have to get up and go, because there my fridge and cupboards are bare of all essential foodstuffs. So I will stop and post this, check email, and grocery shop. I know the Reptilians/PIBs don’t want me writing any further on the true history of the human race. Too sick to fight today. When it is time, God will give me the strength. Now I just have to fight the back pain, sick migraines, and depression as I look at my body turning to fat right before my eyes—including places where I have never been fat before—my back, my chest, under my arms, even the flesh on top of my pubic bone is developing extra layers of fat. I can reach down and grasp flesh in a fistful that before was never there. Then there is the transformation of all my muscle in places like my biceps and calves. Despite the constant lifting of weights, I can’t stop the transformation of my body from that of a fat man to a fat woman. It is a metabolic change that all the exercise in the world won’t reverse. Disgusting, gross, as I see all the fat just accumulating in places it never was before. Nothing I can do about it. I hate being in my own body, but as far as the Reptiles/Aryans are concerned, I am just an egg donor and anima projection template for false religion. My real self, my real body has no purpose for them whatsoever. I just need to feel better. Don’t know if it is ever going to happen, certainly not anytime soon.

Rothiethereptile Part 1 of a multi-part series--stay tuned.

It's been a while since I wrote. I have not been in good health as the PIB's have done drastic changes to my body via interdimensional surgery (that is, while I sleep), and the changes while highly beneficial to the reptilian agenda and dna changes, have caused intense physical pain and emotional suffering to me. But what is on my mind must be said and must be posted. I still do not have an internet connection, but have bought a lttle mini netbook with wi-fi. I knew that the PIB's would be able to hack into my computer as long as i was in wifi range, but I did not expect that they would be able to create and take over an entire administrator account, but they did, probably while I was in the MRI scanner. In hopes of some privacy, I have turned off the wifi and ethernet in the windows device manager as well as disabling it in the BIOS. I currently am typing on Notepad in safe mode. I hope that such measures are enough to prevent the most sophisticated security agents in the world from hacking into this entry, because I cannot post it until tomorrow afternoon, and I don't want the evil sons of bitches to know what happened until it is already on the internet.

I have tried to stay on top of what is happening by scheduling an extra therapy session, but insights are coming so fast that I would have to be seen everyday to vent and communicate the horrors that I am realizing and experiencing in my own body. Let's see, the readers of my blog probably know that I have been castrated in interdimensional surgery. You may not know that even further surgery was done last week in which a set of ribs may have been removed at my breast bone, or if not, at least a whole node of nerve ganglia, which I think connected tohe nervous system and the brain to my heart. Since that time, I have not been able to feel with the normal intensity that I normally do, nor can I cry (and I am a "bawler"). It is as if a big black hole has opened up in my chest, and it is so painful that I can't "feel." All my emotions just get stuck there, and there is no release or relief from my emotional pain and suffering.

But that was not the worst of it. Reflecting on Ratzinger's trip to Scotland, my inner voice led me to understand that the Reptiles and their PIB agents actually had an least one ovum of mine, and were planning to fertilize it with another man's sperm to produce a son, which would then be groomed and molded into an anti-Christ figure. (More on what I think transpired on this trip later). This method of fertilization woud be different of course, from the mode of conception of my other progeny which were basically cloned, using advanced genetic techniques to separate, mix and change up, various genes from my own singular DNA.. I don't think the Reptiles/PIB's are too happy about the results--I just get the feeling that my offspring are cussed independents and fighters for the Good, just as is their mom. And I want you all to know that I am so proud of you all, even if I can't relate or communicate to, or with you all in a normal way. I'm too pressed to do so, and right now I am pressed to relate my insights of the last few days.

PINDAR. Who is Pindar? That has been the primary thought on my mind the last few days, as I tried to figure out who was the man tapped to be the sperm donor of my unborn child. I first learned of Pindar years ago in my early years of web surfing. The name literally means "penis of the lizard king" and Pindar is supposed to be the head of the Reptiles/Illuminati families here on Earth, really the single most powerful man in the West, while he operates through all the puppet leaders which democracies and political parties elect and/or appoint. Because all the research and commentary about this guy were so nebulous, I did not really pay much attention, until the interview which Ickes conducted with Arizona Wilder, the former Aryan slave. Even though she was clearly mind traumatized and fragile at the time of the interview, Arizona Wilder's insights have proven more true than a lot more brilliant minds in better and safer places. She is as honest as she can be, and every single thinking person on this planet needs to watch that interview to understand the horrors of the occultic evil which is running this world, from behind the scenes. Ms. Wilder was an Aryan slave whose job it was to call up the Reptiles from the 4th dimension into the 3rd. Her handler was "Guido" (Guy Rothschild), and when he died, she was able to find a small measure of freedom. Her interview,(because her words have proven honest and true, in ever single instance of being put to the test), is the most compelling proof I have encountered about the shapeshifting of reptilians into human bodies, and vice versa, most notably in her experience, of the British royal family. I have to say that I used to be one of those people who couldn't visualize the now deceased Queen Mother shape shifting into a reptille, and tried to figure out how this could happen in an imaginative, though real sense. I can now say that I was dead wrong, not only because of the insights of the past few days, but also because I can see with my own eyes, the visible facial changes taking place in my own body as the higher frequencies downloade into my brain and surround me in my home while I sleep. These downloads are forcing undeniable and inexorable DNA changes of ME, with the ultimate aim of turning me into a shapeshifting reptilian, and I am helpless to stop it. The worst is at night, and even now, I am staying up, dreading to enter the reptilian interdimensional space during my nightly sleep.

But getting back to Ms. Wilder, she spoke of the reptilian alpha male leader, "Pindar", who she stated was the real father of Prince William, not Prince Charles. I now know who Pindar is--Jacob Rothschild. I don't know why Ms. Wilder could give out Guido's name, and not that of his English cousin. Maybe it has to do with the fact that Guido's death released her from silence, but she is unable to turn on the living. But I have done independent research on my own, namely, looking at a lot of pictures and am 100% convinced Jacob Rothschild is not only Pindar, but indeed is the biological father of Prince William. Pull up photos of father and son, and look for the points of comparison. Prince William has his mouth, lips and wide smile. He has the same chin, and the same shape of the hooded eyes. He has the same hands (yes Prince Charles also has thick fingers but there is no other point of similarity at all). However the dead giveaway are the ears. Prince William has Rothschild ears--fleshy and heavy in the lower lobe. Not only are they similar to Jacob Rothchild, but most Rothschild photos I looked at had the same ear lobes--Guido, Charles, etc. They are not Prince Charles ears at all. Prince Wm even has J Rothschild's slight tilt of the head to the right.

Now I am not a royal watcher at all, and not being British, I really am not that concerned about Wm's paternal lineage, except that in the past few weeks, I have become suspicious that he is in line to be the next anti-Christ since I don't think his legal father will beat him to it. The Internet is filled with web pages and videos dedicated to the exploration and presentation of the thesis that Prince Charles or Prince Wm will be the next anti-Christ. Most offer legitimate and thoughtful points, so I have casually monitored the situation for years now, but they were a low level priority in the last couple of years as I have been pouring all my mental resources into fighting a would-be "American" (not!) anti-Christ. Over the last few years, I have also watched Charles shrink in the estimation of his own people, so that I don't think he will ever have any kind of significant (even "figurehead") power or respect. Meanwhile, I have been very pleased and a little surprised with what I saw of Diana's sons. I knew, no matter what her personal pecadillos and shortcomings, that she had been an outstanding, A+ mother during their childhood, and it showed, as I watched her sons mature into a strong, virile, but appropriately responsible manhood, despite the pressures of a "royal celebrity" lifestyle and all its temptations that could totally spoil and ruin a good youth.

So alarm bells started going off when superficial perusal of the mainstream internet provider websites revealed photos of a young man with the flashing angry-mean and cold eyes of the soulless psychotic. In a word, "Reptilian." What had happened? His eyes used to be so warm, open and gentle, loving of life and the people he encountered in his royal duties--his mother's son, thank God, and thankfully for Britain. From what I could tell, nothing had changed outwardly. He still is living the dutiful and responsible, but very pleasant life of a crown prince. He does seem to have a little bit of a rocky on again/off again relationship with his significant other, an apparently very sweet and sensible young woman from the upper class, but I would expect that, given the parameters, challenges and expectations of crown royal marriage. The only outward change that I could notice was that his jowls had become very heavy, as if fluid-filled. He does have the facial shape of his uncle Spencer, full and rectangular, but where did the heaviness of the jowls come from?

I found the answer looking in my own mirror one morning after a rough night, with heavy viral downloads and accelerated frequencies forcing themselves on me, to get me into the interdimensional realm. I recognized that I had the exact same heavy jowls as Prince William! Not only that, but I realized tha, after 48 years, my eyelid physiological structure was literally changing to become hooded, in the exact same manner as evil, satanic, and Reptilian DNA-altered victims do. I also am losing my eyelashes. Now I haven't had time to look to see if young William's eyelids have changed from boyhood. He clearly has developed hooded eyes and no eyelashes, exactly as his father, Jacob Rothschild, but to what extent that his congenital and how much is DNA alteration, I will let someone else explore. I can say this. Reptilians are not born; they are made--even the purest of the Reptilian line needs the viral downloads and higher frequencies to become an evil Reptilian shape shifter. I don't think the young prince is there yet, but I expect the transformation to be fairly rapid. Unlike me, whose body resisted the viral downloads for years, because of my own physiological idiosyncrasies, autism, and heavy metal poisoning (the viral downloads require the presence of heavy metals), he has a strong, healthy, TALL body that can take immense amounts of the virus, even during the day (when he is photographed), while with me, it only happens at night, and it can only happen now, after years of abuse and serious interdimensional structural surgery. I also expect that they did the same surgery to the young prince that they did to me--removing nerve ganglia from the heart to the nervous system--diminishing his innate and mother-nurtured capacity to feel. What I do feel, upon awakening, besides the neverending sick migraine headaches and deep depression, after a night in interdimensional reptilian reality where I am regularly sexually and bodily abused and violated, is rage. I am not angry at anything in the 3rd dimensional world. I am furious at the abuse I cannot stop. But I have years of prayer and discipline and the spiritual encounter of being deeply loved to help guide me and prevent me from acting on the evil that is becoming more and more habitated to my physical body now that the viral downloads have strengthened. How can a young man without that kind of preparation withstand that kind of viral onslaught without becoming not only a reptilian shapeshifter, but also without developing the soulless, cold heart of the reptiles. He can't.

more september schit

Sept 18
Torture. Only word for the hell ive experienced at hands of aryans. So sick today, so very awful goddamned sick, agony cannot be imagined. My stomach is totally blocked and undigesting. I ate toast with roast beef for breakfast but it made me sick and nauseaus like light supper last nite. Belly completely shut down. I realize my whole belly is dead zone but worst is the stomach which is in such terrible pain. Since the toast I have tried to it two almolds a couple of times to see if stomach could accept any food. Cant. Made me nauseaus severely. Worst goddamned headache. Inabilty to fucntion. Trying to eat tiny bites of banana. Jaws are so locked with whatever drug they are on, can barely open mouth, very difficult to chew Abanana. Worried abut dehydratoin . drank about a pint of water today in small sips. Every time I take a swallow, I get sick, nauseaus and gassy. How can I have gas on an empty stomach? All for what—so the focking goddamned aryan pigs get their saint for the mind control religion they wish to foist on humanity and another human cpu for their overlords ships and time travel. Over and over agin I try to tell people what is up. Right now too sick to do anything but document my torture. Someday God I have to be free of this hell and the blonde boys who patrol it. Death would be so welcome. As it is I have to tyr to sleep with goddamned berain rushes . took a tylenol pm. Hope belly can digest it. Just want to sleep and die. One thing I know for sure—ending up in aryan dimension will lead to nothing but physical rape and even more degrading slavery. Wish for death. Wish for death. Goin to try to go to sleep listening to jimmy buffett, a man who knew how to enjoy life and fantasize about making love to a beautiful woman (I know my lesbianism drives the soulless aryan pigs crazy. They despise all love and sexuality. They just want to suction off all the energy that is generated by the love. Tough. Unlike the aryans I know what holiness and love is about, and celibacy has nothing to do with fullness of life as Jesus lived it or as I live it, and it is only the memory of being loved and the hope of loving a partner again that keeps me alive, and makes me open to the love that I see around me, leading to healing.

Sept 19—risperdol, I think. Got the sick headaches, the unable to keep eyes open, bear any stimuli thing going on. Got the muscle locks and spasms. Back and hips hurt so bad, but worse is my jaw joints. They are so locked I have to shove food between parted lips , cant open and close. I can eat again. Stomach still hurts a lot, but it is no longer completely closed off. Severe emotional and pshyusical agony. I lay down in fantasy world, more real and accessible than real one which is full of pain, agony, and muscle cramps. My legs are having a lot of nerve pain from the implants. EVERYTHING HURTS. Wanted to take a shower and change clothes for first time in three days. But as soon as I stood up, I knew taking shower impossible. Body is too heavy to hold itself up. Too hard to hold back up in chair anymore. Bye. How long this agony God. Someone please break my legs…..i already cant walk don’t need them anymore. Oh, forgot. Suffering from same brain rushes and anxiety attacks. Think they r anxiety attacks. Become breathless. But then all physical exertion makes me breathless. Climing basement stairs had me so winded as if I had just done hundred yard dash. Too sick to care about everything. Want to take shower but too sick.

Realized goddamned dr mengele did major surgery during my nightly abduction a couple nites ago—I think they maybe literally removed a set of ribs. I had told dale that the stupidass nazi frankenstein doctors did all kinds of horrific medical experimentation and torture on me without even bothering to investigate the basics—like vitamin deficiencies? Like hormonal irregularities? Like extra organs appropriate to a chromosomal XY male? Like an XY male skeletal structure? I don’t know why I say this XXXX because they just turn and use it against me. I definitely had major surgery. Left my stomach all fuccked upp and closed off. Now I am just sore and sick everywhere. I think they removed it from upper body, breastbone area. I started noticing how deflated my fat-inflated boobs felt. You just don’t lose that much weight all at once. Nothing the goddamned frankenaryan drs do has a health or salutary benefit. Now I ve got to try to go sleep with massive sick headaches, and paain that literally makes me want to smash my stools thru the windows, and scream and curse at top of lungs. Tired of being treated like an experimental lab rat ( the goddamned nazis think they are homo-soulless while we homo sapiens are demi-humans). I don’t like who I am anymore. I hate my body. I hate the constant pain and suffering. I hate being a prisoner of Mengele and his goddaamn inhuman aryans. I hate going to sleep knowing that these evil spirits will abduct me and torture me again. I hate waking up in the same sick, helpless, miserable, pain-wracked body. Does this schit ever end?

very very sick

So sick that i am not going to be able to do my three hrs web sufing. might get one hour. spent all morning hot flashing and sleeping. drove 4 miles to library cuz tomorrow the open library is 8 miles. dont think ill make it. for two days now, eating has made me sick. barely able to eat. ate tortilla chiken and bell pepper last nite, toast with roast beef this morning, and both times got really sick with nausea and stomach pain. dont think im going to be able to eat tonite at all.if i do, it will be a protein smothie, but dont know if i can even do that. i feel so dehydrated but it hurt s to even drink small sips of water. wondering if it is the thyroid meds yanked again, but with the chills and hot flashes i got, i wonder if i have got an infection in stomach. im so hot all the time impossible to tell if im feverish. mri is wed nite. got to hold on. till then. driving is terrible. worse than autistic. it is almost as if i am hallucinating that cars are coming into my oncoming lane. no way im driving to tr tomorrow. too sick to really surf web. hope all is well in world. certainly not with me.

hanging in there, not very well

Sept 14—excruciating agony. Woke up with both arms numb and semiparalyzed. Don’t know if it is because back neck are so wracked with pain. All I know is that I am in excruciating pain. Took another vicodin tho I know they are tainted with heavy metal. Have to. Cant stand the pain. Very worried , know that at this point im not capable of taking care of myself. Very hard to shower , dress, havent cooked a meal in days. I am hungry. Last meal I ate was a slice of pizza bout four oclock. But don’t have lunch meat and too sick to cook. House is a mess. Entire back locking up on me. Cant walk at all. Have mri scheduled for thenty third==not able to bend head to use number keys. Nine days awayl. Don’t think I can survive that long.
Previous entry was written at about 3 in the morning. I woke up, no doubt after another abduction. The aryans are getting more clever about their nightly injections of viruses into my brain. I feel so bad all the time anymore that I haven’t been doing my morning check. But I got my hair cut today, and the stylist noticed how hot my head was near the forehead, but nowhere else. Sure enough, I checked carefully and felt the telltale bump on the left anterior side, about three inches from my forehead hairline and very close to the corpus callusom (Im too damn to look it up) midline of the brain. I also had another fresh bump—a rather large one, about silver dollar sized, on the right rear side of my brain—again close to the corpus callusom midline at about the 4o’clock position. Normally, I would take pride in pulling out my anatomy book, and identifying the precise names and locations, but I am so sick right now that I am on auto pilot. I just am doing what I absolutely have to do. I did get my trash out, ate a decent supper of salad and pork chop, ogt my hair cut, and did two hours of web surfing. For me, this is a good day. The only continuing downside is the lower tailbone back pain. I cant sit. I cant stand. Even laying down it hurts.. I’ve got Vicodin but it is tainted with heavy metals, and sends me screaming in pain. My God, am I going to have suffer this kind of pain the rest of my life?

Sept 16—So full of rage—want to scream, curse, throw things, slash arms.. I hate my body. I hate my existence. So focking depressing to look at or feel my body. It is turning to pure fat. Losing all my muscle. It has been so long since I have been able to do any exercise at all. Dont know if exercise can ever make my body healthy and toned again.. not able to even try.

9.12.10—God help me. Only hope is in God. Focking Aryans have further wrecked and botched my beautiful God-given body. I’m not sure what they did, but they have completely messed up my nerves in my sacrum and belly, and further removed whatever testicular tissue I had left, leaving me an energy-less shell of a human being—a eunuch. I cannot bear my own body. I touch it, and I don’t even recognize it. Gone is the taut muscle tone, leaving nothing but soft slug-fat. I’ve never ever fancied women who have soft, flaccid bodies. Now, I am a eunuch with a soft flaccid body. I am not a woman, nor will I ever be. My gender identity has gone from having a truly great secret of which I was proud to being a big, fat, demonstrative lie which I hate and am ashamed.

They have done something to my urinary tract so that on the toilet, I am peeing all over myself like a rolled over dog pleading submission, and I am constantly damp and wet in my panties for I have developed an incontinence and am continually leaking. And then there is the horrible, gagging smell—the smell of my own urine has become so bad that I cant stand it. I can’t stand the smell of my own body. I don’t know what I smell like, but its not me. I guess I should be grateful I can pee, for I can’t XXXX. Bowel movements have become endurance challenges, as I struggle to get the muscle tone to move. I’ve gone from a normal 2 bowel movements in the morning to 4 or 5 tiny spurts a day, and all the time feeling like I’m constipated.

I went to the hospital to try to get relief from the pain, and saw one of the goddamned Aryan pieces of schit that is responsible for my torment. More on that later. Understanding the Aryan is like understanding Satan—they are one of humanity’s (and certainly mine) greatest enemies, and they deserve a full treatment which I am too focked up to give right now, but believe me you soulless, asshole Aryan, I got your image fixed in my mind, and I will write on it. Apart from seeing one of the goddamned Aryans (always good to see the enemy—gives you an image to focus on, when you pray to God to deliver vengeance), it was a wasted trip. I am in back pain, as I have never been in before, and I am afraid that I am going to suffer from severe, incurable back pain for the rest of my life.

Mentally and emotionally, I am in a very bad place. I can barely walk, and have zero energy. I am certain at this point that I am sick and tired of pretending to be a woman that I am not. I know that I cannot have a gender change operation at this point, because of my finances, but I am convinced that as soon as possible, I will proceed with massive testosterone injections, and see what kind of gender change I can go thru. I always said that being a 5”0” tall male was ridiculous, but living in this soft, flaccid body as a 5’0” eunuch is worse..

September 13,2010—Energy level is slowly coming back, meaning that I can do something more than sit and cry. Pain though, is never ending. Worst of all, I can not even sit—and I have to sit to type and surf, so you can imagine my misery. I see no relief from this never ending pain. They have really messed up my body. Haave become severely autistic again. Walk around with eyes half shut because I cant stand stimuli. But the worst of it is the pain. Pain overrides all other thought. In severe pain in lower back. Nausea and severe hot flashes. Breaking out in terrible sweats--hate my bodily reality. hate it. sick as i can be.
Dreamed last nite that I could break a code of numbers, fibonnaci numbers, I think, in my dreeam. It was a ten digit code. I don’t know how I could break a matematical code. I have never excelled at math, even though I am good with numbers and arithmatic. But in my dream I was confident I could break it. Got so much I want to write and research, but this pain and autistic migraine is totally draining all my energy,.

Shit has hit the fan.

Shit has hit the fan.
In severe pain--as much as i hate to, I'm going to have to go to hospital. I'm scared to death the sob's are going to do something terrible to me. But while I'm in such severe pain and wracked with sick migraines, the world has gone to hell around me. Just learned of the San Bruno catastrophe. Clearly the Nazis have been involved for the last couple days in inflaming Muslim-American tensions. so many thigs happening--boulder colorado fire, detroit burning, and now San Bruno. HAARP appears to have been involved. Almost certainly Sorcha Faal is right and a missile was involved. The big question is what is next? Is San Bruno the peak, or is there another big one coming? I think the latter is likely--big flag day is tomorrow, not only an anniversary of evil, but an occultic day of significance--9/11--reason the Nazis chose it in the first place.
Unfortuanately i am in too much pain to think on this or probe the web sites for chatter and possible hints.. i am going to have to go to the hospital. the pain is unbearable. it hurts to even sit. there is nothing i can do but pray. Fucking pigs are up to something big. God help us.

pain

rSeptember 7th.10

Another holiday, another summer, another day, another year gone. So drugged up that at times I can barely move. So depressed that I don’t even care. I cry over my lost life, my lost innocence, my wrecked body, but I no longer look forward to anything but death. Maybe I shouldn’t write when im depressed. I can look at my face and see the severe swollen mask that doesn’t even look like me and the dead eyes staring back at me. Not me.

Tried to read. But too sick..

Septemer 8—nite from hell wakiiing up wishing I were dead. Literally. Pain and suffering unimagibalbe.. never ending. Back muscles and spine herut so badd. Hips and legss joints and muscle painful. Hurts to hiccup. Back muscles so spasmed. On some kind of drug , don’t know, maybe amped the dosage of the virus, maybe im on some spychotropic….. just know that it takes everything I have , emotionally and physically to move. Even lowering heaviy head is painful. Everything painful. Everything hurts. But worse of all is spiritual hurt. Know that nite before last—when my face and eyes diednt even belong to me, that an evil spirit resurfaced. What evil spirit I don’t know. But it was enough to get the pibs out and sicced on me again. One went joy riding in my mind while I surfed web yesterdday. I could pick up that the sick warped pscyich pig thought that I was one of him.. there is something profoundly disturbing about these telepaths who invade my mind without permission or mutual consent. The worst, though, are the White psychics. They have an evil spirit very akin to pedophilia. They give me the creeps, just like pedophiles do. And satanists. Satanists are almost always pedolphiles because they enjoy violating the innocence of children. Show me a satanist, and I will ask myself “where is this monster gaining access to little children?” Nearly always they are involved in child or youth care, seeking them out in extracurricular activities, if not in a professional capacity. Now that I think about it, I can say that the proprietary attitude they evince towards me is the exact same proprietary smugness that I encounter on the rare occasions when I meet up with a satanist—whether it’s Maurice Strong eyeing me across a room, or some two-bit, evil pedophile laughing at me while I shop at the grocery. The bottom line is that the satanists think that I am one of them, and I can deny it all I want, but it doesn’t help if unconsciously I am showing my allegiance (how, I am not sure, but yes I know from the PIB’s smugness yesterday, that indeed I am.

Of course, consciously, I repudiate and reject Satan and all his lies and empty promises, but deep down in my unconscious, which they can only get to by massive drugs, is an evil spirit, waiting to rrear its ugly head and claim ownership of me. And now, that the damned satanists has had a recent, confirmed sighting of their beezelbub lord in me, I can expect a severe onslaught of drugs as they try to flush the evil spirit out of its deep, hidden recess, and into active agency. It won’t happen. I would rather die first, and to be honest, right now, I feel so bad, I wish I were indeed dead. But I know that these PIB’s are so convinced of the superioroity of their lord, Satan, that they will not believe me. All I can do is suffer, until God in his mercy, removes this evil spirit. I can’t remove it. I don’t think any Christian team can remove it. Until that happens, I am not fit company for the upright, because at any time, without warning, I could betray my conscious comrades, while asleep and under the spell of the evil spirit.
Of course, I could better understand the nature of my compromised being, and the nature of the evil spirit, if I could get people to communicate honestly with me, but right now that istn happening. All I can do is go off the response of the psychic pib towards me, and it was supremely ugly aand violating. In away, it doesn’t matter, for I am so drugged up and depressed right now, I am not capable of recognizing or fighting any evil whatsoever. All I can do is endure, praay for death.

Worse than I realized—pain in belly and to pee—motherfockers have messed even further with my hormonal/sexual/gonadal/urinary system. No energy. None. Hotflashing terrible. All I can do iscry. Severe nausea and headaches.. sick sick migraine headaches. Took fiornal. Need more. Only thing that helps with pain. Then there is numbness in sacrum and glutes. Don’t know what fockers did to my sacrum but numbness, deadness. Can barely lift legs and cant walk in stride, only shuffle. Never felt that kind of pain in brokeness before. Back muscles all spasmed. Don’t know how to heal it lkie I do with my former back problems. Too sick t odo any exercise whatsoever. Standing and moving a few fettat a time is incredible hardship. Every time I think life, suffering, medical torture cant get worse, it does. Wish for death God, I wish for death, an end to this pain and suffering, release from my mutilated body which no longer belongs to me, and has no one to love. Wish for death tonite.

Sept 9-- 3 times lost this posting due to problems with heavy hands deleting. no control over hands or legs. can barely walk. spine messed up. think im semi-paralyzed. pain is terrible not just spasms in upper back but numbness and pain in sacrum sit bones. too sick to do any exercise. severe migraines --dont know if it is spinal or hormonal. just want drugs . will not fight for health or body anymore. clearly i am a slave to the new world order pibs, and their psychic army and their aryan overlords which are running our govt. i know this tho, as long as i live, i will fight those bastards with everything ive got. i look at all the others they have destroyed in their deceptions and lies--sherry shriner, and that poor slave, Nancy from zetatalk (want to know the face of the nazi nwo--read zetatalk. in 2008, it was a great site to learn (from disinformation) about barack obama, their "boy" (o, for chrissakes stop with the goddamned race card already--obama has the manhood of a worm--don't even insult a "dog" which is a faithful and loyal defender of humanity) propped up, groomed, and totally sold to the American public by the sold out media, until they realized people were able to discern the truth from the site and totally shut up. Obama may be currently limited, but I know that he is incredibly dangerous, and that we, as Americans and all Earth citizens, are endangered, because the aliens that backed him, and the muslim/chinese strategy and money that financed him still want to bring down the US so they can bring down the wrold. im not making sense. i know im not. i got a sick sicjk headache. cant thingk logically.
JUST KNOW THIS: no matter what, no matter how sick, no matter how depressed or alienated, I will never suport the nazi aryan agenda. never. my only goal and hope in life now is to bring your sorry nazi asses down. So help me God.

fertility drugs

September 4th, 10

I think I have figured out what the hormone-altering impositions the PIBs’s were forcing on me—fertility drugs. I was abducted two nights ago—it was a different kind of abduction than usual. I remember that it was a quiet night with moderately stiff breezes. That is the kind of night that, in the pre-abduction era of my life, would have sent me out walking late at night to pray to God. I don’t feel comfortable walking late at night anymore, and I know that the same frequency mode that I use to pray is now capable of being hijacked by evil aliens and their human Nazi allies. They hover over the Earth, searching and listening for those who emit that frequency. Once discovered, the aliens swoop down and abduct the spiritually receptive victim, and then the mind games, drugs, and medical experimentation begins. In my case, it has gone to absurd lengths. Not only did they steal 95% of my eggs in a medical procedure, they still are trying to scrape out every last one. I think that I was given fertility drugs prior to the abduction, to try to ripen and entice out every last, straggling egg, which they then tried to extract during the abduction. Why are they doing this, when, thanks to our Nazi shadow government, they know that there are so many women from which they can choose. I know that genetic purity is a huge deal to them, but despite my Aryan lineage, I also have (from the Aryan perspective), the hated dragonseed (Jewish) lineage in my DNA.

However, I am hypothesizing that what they are able to do, is clone offspring from individual elements of the DNA, maybe even focussing on individual chromosomes, so that if my eggs contain a Y chromosome (and that seems a reasonable hypothesis, since I am such a medical anomaly), they can extract “pure” Aryan genes as long as they clone a hybrid male using primarily the material from the Y chromosome.

I don’t know—there is too much I don’t understand. But I fear that these recent attempts at abduction are to conceive a child, a male (Aryan lineage) that will be environmentally engineered and groomed to be an anti-Christ figure to serve the purpose of the Reptiles. I don’t believe DNA alone can make someone evil. No way. There’s no such thing as a “bad seed,” or a fated evil destiny, “born under a bad sign.” The human faculty of the free will and free choice will always come into play. I know, speaking for myself, that I can identify at least a half dozen occasions, when I could have turned to the “dark side” to help temporarily relieve the pain, loneliness, and sting of rejection, that I repeatedly encountered. ALL sensitive individuals feel this, and have to work at developing and affirming a healthy self-image and self-identity, no matter what the outer variables of our unique life situation may be. But despite the difficulties of my autism and upbringing, I was reared in relative seclusion from the forces of spiritually powerful evil. I didn’t have evil people of seeming benevolence, at every turn, from an early age, guiding me to the dark path. Such a situation is what I fear for any unborn or very young progeny of mine

I could be wrong. A couple of nights ago, I also dreamed that spiders were devouring hard-working ants. I interpret that as the Borg destroying the “humans”, including the future humans, the Aryans. (I regard the Borg with their collective mind hive and comfortable, illusory “belonging” as “feminine” evil, while the Reptiles, with their predatory hate and contempt for the vulnerable, I regard as “masculine” evil—Jungians will understand). If that is the case, it could be the Aryans are looking to replenish their diminishing stock (but then why pick on me, when there are so many other women with tens of thousands of eggs?). All I can say, is that if I am wrong, and there is some pressing need for the remaining few eggs in my ovaries, then ask me for them. Grant me the dignity of my personal human sovereignty, and if some Aryan can gain my trust, I will give them up willingly. Otherwise XXXX you. I know that you are getting increasingly sophisticated at the abductions. I didn’t even know I was abducted the following morning, which I usually do. The Aryans also blew out the electricity on the whole west side of the street (my side) before, during, or after the abduction. I woke up at about two in the morning, with the electricity out (no fan or digital clocks), with electric company crews working on the wires across the street.
Bottom line: I am tired of being abducted nightly. If any of my abductors have any kind of benevolent purpose, then show yourselves, and I will be reasonably accomodating. But beware, Nazi darksiders, I am not easily fooled by evil, and I would rather die than advance your agenda one bit…

A little later...why do I keep reaching out to these Aryans? After writing this initial post, I stood up, and realized how severely autistic their viral downloads make me. Worse of all, because it is a new sensation, is the weakness in my arms. Two night ago, they did a massive infusion of viral bugs into me, including my arms and shoulders, (which no doubt is why my body can barely move to put in a tampon) which has me severely locked and weakened. All those bugs do is close off my meridians, slowly killing off my body, and now that I can no longer do yoga, I can't fight to keep them open. I desperately want to "shake", to try to clear my meridians, but since being castrated, I have lost all energy. Now my arms and shoulders are as fucked up as the rest of me. So goddamned depressing. And people (who should be my allies--at least they seem to lap up all the info I give) continue to play mind games with me. As long as I keep pumping up info via postings. But I can't help it; it is my nature to be helpful and cooperative with the fight for the Good, even while others seem to be motivated by narrower concerns...maybe there is nothing anyone can do for me. Maybe I am just fucked--so then quit playing mind games with me, and leave me to my misery. So miserable with this locked up body and painful muscle spasms.

Spark plugs and the "Ehrenberger Principle"

September 2nd

I think I figured out what the “spark plug” is that the stupidass, goddamned PIB Aryans are trying to replace. Now that they have totally destroyed my healthy body’s unique, but completely natural, hormonal/sexual system by castrating me, they are trying to force an unnatural hormonal change on me that will not work. I think I have figured out what at least part of my never ending stomach pain is—uterine cramps! I never suffered from severe cramps when I was menstruating—just, regular as clockwork, one day of fairly intense cramps. I learned the little secret that healthy women know—that masturbation/orgasm releases the uterine cramping and gives release. (I imagine sex would do it, too, but I don’t think very many women feel sexy when they are on their periods). On the rare occasion that uterine cramping bothered me, the hand was all I ever needed—I never took Motrin or Aleve for cramping. But now the cramping is severe and constant. I think that subconsciously I tried to use the secret trick of masturbation a couple of mornings ago, when I woke up in a serious cramp, but it didn’t work. I had some kind of weak, really pathetic orgasm but it didn’t even touch the nerves in my belly or release the cramping in my uterine wall. At the time, I was distressed that I was not able to have a normal and healthy orgasm, but now I’m concerned because the muscles seem locked, and there is no release, not even the sure-fire natural one. I figured that hormonal impact on my uterus was occurring, after a couple of days of suffering from really sore and tender breasts! They hurt, goddamn it. Those dumbasses are mimicking a hormonal “period” in my body! That is the “sparkplug” they are replacing without my consent, and I have to pay for it! (And believe me, I have “paid” for every stupid, abusive violation those PIB’s have done).
I don’t know what the XXXX they are doing. All I know is that, before they started their Mengelian experimenting and castrating of my body, I was not only in excellent condition, but superb condition. Now, I’m so XXXXed up and depressed that I barely have energy to move. Well let me give you a hint assholes. It doesn’t matter what my phenotype is, or what my body looks like on the outside. My true hormonal and cellular identity is male, and you cannot force feed me female hormones and expect me to be “feminine.” My feminine identity is a socio-cultural learned and layered identity that I worked at adopting and integrating, just to make my life easier in a gender differentiated world. Hormonally, and neuro-cellularly, I am male, and my body has greater need of, and responds better to, testosterone, rather than female hormones. Even my earliest dreams as a child and emerging adolescent all reveal me to be a psychically self-identified male. So now, I don’t know what will become of me, or how I will rebound, after the castration. I know that for a couple of days, taking testosterone supplementation, really made me feel human for the first time in a long time. Unfortunately, the PIB’s went in my abdomen and adjusted more nerves, so that the testosterone supplements quit working, thus destroying what little hope I had, of ever living a hormonally healthy and normal life.

But these cramps and tender breasts are killing me. I can’t live in this kind of pain with no XXXXing relief (since the one natural remedy that does work is denied me as well). As female hormones always do (I remember brief stints on birth control pills), my energy is zapped right out of me. I spent most of the day sleeping. I also think that the female hormones are responsible for the problems with blood sugar regulation. I smelled ketone acidosis on my urine this morning again for the first time in a while. Again, for the past couple of days, while this has been going on, I have been craving sugar. I never crave sugar, except when I am proto-diabetic!

There is so much I want to learn, study, and research, now that I have a better understanding of how the hidden alien dynamics and wars have shaped human life and reality. I want to read mythology (especially about dragons) and history from a fresh perspective. I need to do a complete rereading of the Bible—the Pentateuch and the historical books especially, from that perspective. I want to go to the UNM library and do research. So much do do, but I am so XXXXed up with this forced hormonal alteration of myself, that there is nothing I can do. I feel like Schit. When does this nightmare end?

…The following morning…well, well, well—what doyaknow…I am having a period. One stray egg that the Nazi Aryans did not get. I wish it could give me some satisfaction, but it doesn’t. I am still in a lot of pain in my stomach and diaphragm area, as well as my back. It is as if my entire body is encased in metal rods. When I went to put in a tampon this morning, I literally could not get my arms and torso to move and make the reach. I have put in hundreds of tampons in my life and no matter how locked my back or torso, I never had such a problem before. The PIB’s have wrecked my body. I got a call from the Orthopedic department at UNM. What the hell for? I’ve got spasmed muscles in my stomach and soft tissue lock in my back—there’s nothing wrong with my spine—except as you assholes messed up my natural body spinal adjustment when you castrated me. I can’t go to the dr. for pain relief. The butchering Nazis will either throw me in the psych ward or use it as just another excuse to put me under anesthesia, while they mangle my internal organs and spinal vertebra even more? I don’t think so.

Because I no longer have the energy to do yoga (I can’t even hold myself in a down dog position without needing to lay down), I expect my body will slowly petrify, for I cannot do even gentle exercises to try to get some movement, some limberness. I try to do a little exercise, and gray haired old ladies pass me by on the bike trail, asking me, “are you okay.” (Yes, I just have all my energy drained by alien implants for their satanic reptile masters, and can barely move…)

Anyway, so much for the physical. Last night I dreamed a dream that has me wondering once more if I am ever going to be allowed my sexual freedom. I desperately long for a partner to share my life and my bed, but given the hell that is my life, I fear putting anyone I love in harm’s way. Anyway, even if I am dreaming about it, such a scenario is not currently an option, so there is no point in dwelling on it. More importantly was a a dream image in which the phrase “Ehrenberger Principle” appeared. That is the way I saw the phrase spelled in my dream, although it could also be “Aaron Berger.” Anyway the image connecting with the “Ehrenberger Principle was that of a huge asteroid or rock hitting the Earth, but the “Ehrenberger Principle” allowed for it to be gently absorbed by the Earth, making a deep, but relatively small bore hole, instead of exploding with catastrophically explosive force on the surface, unleashing tremendous damage. Anyway, I don’t know why I dreamed that, unless some friendly power was trying to tell me something, so I throw it out there for all those who know more than I do. I wish I could get some “friendly guidance” on what to do about the broken Gulf stream loop. There is no doubt that was done on purpose to help hasten another ice age, and the Nazi PIB’s are still working it. If something doesn’t change, I fear we could be in for serious weather repercussions. Hopefully, some brilliant scientists and climatologists are REALLY working on it…

Depression, headache, weight gain, abductions…..

August 31
Depression, headache, weight gain, abductions…..

I have to hope that somewhere, somehow, there is good news for the good guys. Certainly, there is not for me. I continue to be abducted nearly every night, including last night, during which I received at least two injections. One puncture mark, and resulting “bump” from all the nanotechnology they put in is in my frontal lobe, about 1” into my hairline, directly aligned with inner edge of my right eyebrow. Why do they have to mess with my right side, damn it? I’m losing eyesight in that eye from all the pressure on the optic nerve, and today is no different—eyes having difficulty focussing. The second puncture mark is in the occipital part of my brain, in the lower right rear quadrant.

I bring this up because I hope somewhere good guys can figure out what these mind controllers are doing to me with these experiments. I guess the simple answer is that they are constantly trying to get me to plug ito the matrix—the computer reality with which they interact. To that end, they have added actual hardware—right near my belly button. I can just imagine them plugging me into something. They also added all the nanotechnology connections right in my belly. All I know is that my stomach hasn’t felt right since my castration and the addition of the technology. It is painful from my belly button to my groin, in a straight line.
I find that physical exercise that I used to be able to do—little things like riding a bike or doing the 30 minute circuit at the gym has gotten to the point of near impossibility. I literally get breathless to the point of stopping, after 30 seconds of doing slow (not brisk) stepping on a single layer stair stepper. I havent done yoga in over a month. I don’t know if I will ever be able to do it again. Energy drain is so complete unable to do any poses. So depressing..

So the question is do I ever get my life back after the fockers are successful and I plug into the matrix? Do I ever feel like a human being with energy and vitality again? I suspect the matrix has no physical reality whatsoever but is all mental illusion, so maybe it is wrong question to ask. I guess I can run 10 miles, without ever moving a muscle, curled up in a fetal position with a tube hooked to my belly button and all the neurological implants. Where is all my energy going, sucked off for the reptiles, no doubtt. Don’t know.

Just know that I worry about the manipulation of emotional and psychological altered states that the matrix and their agents can cause. I once read a sci fi story (Ursula K. Leguin) about a society that enslaved a portion of their humanity, but the norm was that the slave children ran free and played without restriction, until they were ten, when they were sent to work in the fields. Their masters had learned the hard way that to enslave and hobble a child’s spirit led to a neurotic and dysfunctional adult, resulting in less productivity.

Our slavemasters are not so humane. I think the reptiles prefer their slaves to be neurotic (and if they get really lucky, psychotic) and dysfunctional. I think I have successfully resisted the mind control and being plugged into the matrix for so long, because when the mind control began, I already had an optimally healthy mind, formed by years of spiritual formation and discipline. I’m reading some really scary stuff about brain manipulation though, and I can’t help but wonder what would have happened to me if these people had gotten their chemicals in my brain when I was still a child, youth or a young adult. The thought of humanity’s future existence as defined by a prevailing autism bothers me. I have experienced the limitations of being seriously autistic, and that is not fullness of life. But what if that was all I had ever known? If I were brought into a world where it was considered the norm, instead of a handicap? Would any child ever grow out of it? I am sad because I have lost the vitality and joy I once had. But at least I know what mental vitality and emotional joy is….

Anyway, I don’t know why the Aryans keep abducting me if they despise me for my “dragonseed” DNA. Maybe it is just a mind game they are playing with me, a kind of “hazing” to let me know they despise that part of me. Well then, I don’t see how they will ever succeed, for all the drugs and all the beatings in the world are not going to turn my love of myself as God made me, into self-hatred (but believe me, I have to pray not to hate them). I love all parts of myself equally, though right now I really have to work to love the Aryan side of me, but that is what love of self entails—loving the dark and difficult parts of your self-identity, and not just the “good” qualities or “DNA” that you CONSCIOUSLY choose to own. All hatred of the other originates as hatred of the self. Currently, I’m picking up a lot of self-hatred, not only from the Aryans, but from those who would read my mind in hopes of finding some kind of balm to ease the self-hatred that only their own spiritual life and progress can erase. I’m dipping my toes into waters when I am too drugged to swim. Know what I want to say. Another time. Time to go to bed and await another nite of abduction.


Later…having to take tylenol pm to stand the brain rushes. Now know caused by excess csf stymied in my brain. Eyes got the drugged look again. Worst of all the smell. The smell that is my brain is XXXXed up and being prepped for abduction. Smell of cheap floral perfume. Vacuum cleaner carpet powder. Smell that for the rest of my life signifies hell. Cant sleep with brain rushes this way.. severely autistic..


September 1—I woke up groaning again. God, I hate my body. I hate my sleep. I hate my waking hours. I hate what the Aryan PIB’s and their Vatican and Nazi allies are doing to me. My stomach is hurting more and more, and the computer hardware that they placed in my bellybutton literally seems to be increasing. I have no sensation in my stomach. The stomach is the seat of the emotions, and the implants they put their steal the emotions, leaving nothing behind but physical pain in my viscera and depression and flatness in my nervous system and psyche. A long time ago, I remember what it was like to be alive. I have known what it is to be joyful and emotional, and to have it stolen from me by implants is crushing. Do I go through the rest of my life half dead as I feel now? My brain too is changing from the nightly implants. Every morning I wake up to find out what area of my brain was injected the night before—just feel for the swelling. Slightly behind and above my ears, my brain has “caved in”, gray matter sucked out and destroyed by the Aryan drugs, implants and manipulation.

I just wish that I were a free woman again….as it is I have to go to sleep and endure another night of hell..

September 2nd, 2010—Woke up crying, so miserably unhappy and distressed to wake up in this goddamned body for another day. I know that I am on some kind of psychotropic that sucks all my energy and joy. I know that celibate Vatican, Jesuitical, and Opus Dei types are doing their alien masters’ bidding in the matter, as they try to mold me into their pathetic image and mold of their own phony and false “spirituality”—desiccated, sexless, emotionally dead. They are succeeding too. I have no emotions, just the blunt depression of moving through my days wondering how long I have to live in this hell.

I am alienated from reality, both the physical reality of my environment and the mental reality of my own ideas. I can tell because my house is a mess, and I don’t care. I’m not even in reality enough to bother with it. When I am healthy, I keep my home picked up and relatively clean. When I am severely depressed, dirty dishes are everywhere, I throw things—books, shoes, whatever--on the floor, and just walk around them like the somnolent half-zombie that I am. Mentally, I am disconnected as well. There is no wellspring of joy or love in me when I write, no positive spiritual energy to lift my ideas out of my head and inform my expression with unique zest and flow. My writing has become all brain and no heart. I was so disturbed by it that I wondered if I had internalized some kind of luciferian computer rhythm. The biggest tip off that a channeling is not from the divine realm, but rather from a demonic agency is that the writings have no “personality,” no emotional energy and joy, no “heart” shining through. As I look at my writings for the past few days, that cerebral deadness is what I see in my own writing, especially when I compare them to my earlier writing from, say, just five months ago.

In my head, I know that I want to write for my offspring, but I don’t want my children to see an emotionally dead and spiritually alienated woman, which not only is what my subjective feeling tells me that I am right now, but which also is revealed in the sterile, flat prose I currently am writing. So the only thing I write is this blog, and I am sad to see how dead and cerebral my writing is. Amazing to me, that anybody who considers their own self as a spiritual person, cannot see how devastating this psychotropic drugged state is to my true spiritual self and creativity. For genuine spirituality, at least in Christianity, involves the feeling life. I may cry every day, and no doubt the pharisaical PIB’s are rubbing their hands, thinking I am on the verge of conversion, but really my spiritual life is as dead as my emotional life. Not only conversion, but any authentic spiritual life is impossible to have, with the kind of dead emotions and blunted affect that I currently am experiencing.

In my dream, last night I dreamed that a mechanic told me that I needed an expensive repair to my truck. He said that a spark plug couldn’t be tuned, but had to be replaced and it would cost a couple of hundred dollars more. I knew that he was full of XXXX—the spark plug was fine—he just was looking to make a predatory buck, but unfortunately, my own truck was not in my possession. He had already started the repair without authorization. I had no control over my own truck! I have no control over my own body, and I don’t know if I will ever get it back.

Since I am not incapable of writing a memoir for my children, let me recommend a book written by a young woman, who despite her youth, seems to have figured out early on how to live life. FULLY, with both hands. It is Meghan McCain’s book about politicking for her father's’presidential campaign, and I can’t wait to read it (I’m waiting on a library copy). Even so, it did my heart good to see her handle a brief interview on Bill O’Reilly with complete poise and precocious aplomb. Every answer she gave revealed a srong, healthy humanity, and self-possessed of an age-appropriate maturity.To be honest, it has been a long time since I saw a young person so vibrant and healthy, refusing to warp their personality to ideological bullXXXX, narcissistic posturing, guilt-slumping whining (whether piling on self or projecting onto an "other), or tin-eared bullhorning. No matter what got thrown at her, she just rolled up her sleeves and went to work, including the hardest task of all—dialogue with people who don’t agree with you. Very positive, refreshing and hopeful. Hopefully, I will see more of this kind of attitude from others.

As always lways, there is more that I want to go into, but I feel so bad, so drugged, so sick, that there is nothing I can do but sign off, hoping for the day I am free of these goddamned implants and drugs. In the meantime, go Meghan and all those others who live life to the fullest.