Thursday, December 31, 2009

New Years eve a drugged

New Years eve a drugged--so drugged that i can barely get thru routine chores and am too sick to surf wev. Its good to be home tho, even as drugged up as i am . glad to sleep in own bed. time for bed.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Dreading the return trip home

Dreading the return trip home after another horrible night of nausea and pain. Nobody seems to understand how much the goddamned downloads negatively affect my body and brain. My blood sugar either crashes or spikes, I get nauseated and break out in hot flashes and sweat--even in a cold setting. I immediately come down with a migraine, and some kind of ADD inability to focus or concentrate. My muscles spasm in agony, and it becomes impossible to lay flat on my back as my lower back arches so high into the air that the body lacks grounding support. I become both hungry for protein and thirsty, at the same time, yet I have some kind of heartburn blockage in my chest. I can't even drink water--it would make me sick, so I have to drink sparkling water or gatorade or juice. And for what, all this misery? I don't believe the bandy of the Internet--that this is necessary to survive 2012 or that we are "ascending", though we may be moving into a different dimension. But I, with my grim, unflinchingly realistic mind, suspect that we are being prepped for a very negative future of slavery. Last night, in between fits of agonizing mental and physical pain, I dreamed that somehow (it was a very unclear, tentative dream), I was being prepared for "cloning." "Cloning" is another Internet conspiracy theory, but I suspect there is something to it, though I can't understand how. (I can't understand a lot of things, but I recognize glimmerings of truth, and so I keep an open mind). I know though, that I don't want to be cloned. I don't want these brain downloads destroying my health (I have spent the last day looking at pictures of myself, and don't recognize the happy face that I used to have, until five years ago, when this chemical and physical hell began). I never see my face, happy and smiling anymore. Now my face is constantly red and bloated, with lymphatic pouches pulling down the corners of my mouth, that were once upturned in a perpetual good humor. Now, when I see myself in the mirror, I no longer am the happy, carefree person I once was, but rather a person in constant pain, unhappiness and constraint, as I try to flail against the prison my tormentors have constructed around my every move. How do I get out? Which political faction can I trust? This becomes important as it is clear that the current political faction is under strenuous attack. I prefer not to get involved, but I am--as a victim. This line of thinking is opening up a whole other level and dimension that I am loathe to enter--if only because I am not healthy enough to maintain focus and concentration to follow it through. I would like to pray about it, but again, prayer requires focus and concentration, and that is practically impossible for me. Maybe next year, free me God.

Monday, December 28, 2009

Sick and miserable continueed

Sick and miserable continueed--struggled all day to function with three very healthy, active kids. Cant function very well. Very low energy. Sheer exhaustion after five hours of watching them--and I didn't do much besides sit and supervise. Now can hardly keep eyes open. I had to take a robaxin because back muscles are spasming so badly. so fafr it is not working. head is so very very heavy, cant keep it lifted. Lot of pain. my joints are also very tender to the touch, knees elbowsl definitely not feeling like myself. I am supposed to have a job interview monday but i know that there is no way that i can work a forty hour a week job. dont evne know how i will get thru the test. one day at a time. right now, bed.

Friday, December 25, 2009

Nausea and migraines, migraines and nausea

Nausea and migraines, migraines and nausea--wont stop. I took some heavy duty muscle relaxant last nite and finally got rid of the sick headaches that rode me for over two days. Then i went to see a movie and it started up again. Everytime i have one of the neverending hotflashes and break out in a sweat, the nausea hits. I no longer have fiornal. I cant keep living with these nonstop migraines. sick as a dog. I have spasms in my body in muscles i have never felt before, muscles i didnt know could spasm. my legs and knees are just crawling with ants and yet locked in spasm at same time. miserable fucking miserable

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Christmas from hell continues

Christmas from hell continues. severe migraines. face is swollen. unable to bear any stimulil. but i think its done on purpose. i think im supposed to suffer--offerings to satan are more meaningful that way. i see the grand old daddy of satanism, ratzinger was accosted. I am certain that at midnight on Christmas day, he offered up a satanic mass--and I suspect tghat he is directly behind my suffering, as i am the perfect victim for his evil cabal and agenda. My sufferings could also be caused by the Mark Huber handlers. apparently his incapacitated, maybe they ar e desperate for a new body for a walk in. Never fails to amaze me, how these channelers of light and goodness, and koolaid drinking smiles always have flat, mean evil eyes--that includes the walkins of Huber and Obama. But who knows? Maybe my unbearable suffering of last two dyas has just been garden variety brain control and torture--use suffering and separation from family to groom one to meet the handlers needs and agenda. who cares. as much as i suffer and pray God for release I know what I am not--

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

never again

never again will i come to this place to be drugged. i have no family. i just have fucking torturers. dont know what kind of fucking drug im on. i suspect lithium because i want to ghet drunk, slice wrists, scream, but over in the corner sits the woman who gave me birth looking for opportunity to throw me in psychtric hospital. too sick to fucking care anymore. too sick to do anything but wish for death. why do i continue to come here to this hell place and hell mother? some kind of stupid fucking loyalty? dont know but know its all over . have to hang int here for eight days. eight days of sheer hell, but its over. all over. something inside me has snaapped and as fucked up and miserable as i ma, i know its all over. last time ever.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Another lost day

Another lost day to migraines and non-functional psychotropics. It's a real drag because I hate to come back from the holidays to a dirty house, but there is only so much I can do in limited windows of being able to just move. I still have laundry and a little shopping to do, but I don't know how much I can get done when I don't know from one day to the next how I will be feeling--for that matter, one hour to the next. In addition to the never ending spasms and migraines, I am a little worried about the knotted swolleness of my left lymph node. I know that my body is trying really hard to push out massive amounts of toxins but the damage is just overwhelming. The sad thing is, that so many people (at least from what I gather by reading the internet) believe this is going to help them survive post-2012. But I think the complete opposite--I think it gives the aliens a chance bypass any psychic defenses we may have to them wiring into our brains so that they can practice their "edenic control" (as one Internet, kool-aid drinking Templar put it). They (the modern day "Templars") want to be the ones who make sure that everybody drinks the kool-aid. I know that there is a good reason why my body is so rejecting of these hateful downloads but I can't do anything about it--just try to accomodate it, and envy all those who still have their brains and bodies intact.

After a hellish nite of pain

After a hellish nite of pain, I'm strugglinng to get up and moving. I thin k I have a muscle spasm in my frontal ribs that literally makes it painful to breathe. I dread the thought of riding on the train while suffering from such intense spasms and headaches. My entire body hurts. My guts r all smessed up, constipated. dont know what thats about. Sick with a migraine, wish i could lay in bed and just sleep but tell myself that I have got things to do to get ready for trip. got to keep moving and do them. little things like cleaning house or organizing mp3 plaer for trip , little tasks seem so insurmountable. dont know how to get the energy or inititavie to do them.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Horrible, debilitating, crazy-making pain gone--but still nonfunctional

Horrible, debilitating, crazy-making pain gone--but still nonfunctional with some kind of drugged up psyhhotropics giving me, mentally, a migraine, and physically barely able to move. Ears are congested again. I am so used to this fucking shit and torture, that i know just to go into nonfucntional mode, but it is so hard with so many things i got to do. mY kitchen desprately needs cleaning, ogt to clean house, and get a fift for my brother. all those need to be put on hold while i stumble around with closed eyes and suffer from a back arched in muscle spasm. so tired of this shit . people ask me to write. i wfish they could be in my shoes for one day and realize how i am so fucked up on drugs tht i cannot do anything but lay in bed and suffer. worse of all , i feel that terrible pain coming back into my left side. got to lay down.
Dreamed last night of seeing a woman on a toilet seat with diarrhea coming out one end while she vomited out into another toilet seat. Reminded me of a documentary i recently saw and how on ayahuasca, and how people have to purge their evil spirits. Definitely trying to purge the evil thesee psychotropics do, but not with very good success.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Sadistic torturers back again with a vengeance

Sadistic torturers back again with a vengeance--waay back. goddamned pices of shit have me so fucked up that i am in the most unbearble brain pain ever. not normal pain, not migraine pain, not implant pain. deep pulsating pain. so fucked up dont know how i drove home. considering a ct scan this pain is doing damage to my brain. so fucked up, emotional flat except tbat ieverytjoimg males ,e watm tp cru rogjt mpw [aom ,ales ,e wamt tp cry/ too sick to do anything, dont even know how i would get to hospital. go to bed hope pain subsides.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Somewhat recovered

Somewhat recovered from the horible, soul-debilitating, wish-I-were-dead psychotropics that left me barely able to move. Now, I just have the "speed" thing going on. It is as though little demons are nipping at my heels, driving me, driving me. But speed doesn't make me productive or give me concentration, like it does most people. Instead, it steals my physical vitality, and causes me to be distracted, and unable to stay on task or concentrate. Last night, I felt emotionally settled enough to play music (I rarely play music anymore because nearly always I literally feel too sick to play music), but I couldn't. Psychologically, I was disrupted by the "speed-like" effects of the psychotropic implants which were driving me crazy and leaving my body super stiff. I was playing Christmas music, which is really easy to play because of their familiarity, but I couldn't play. Playing music requires intense concentration, getting into a "zone". I call it contemplation--it is a state where I am very quite and centered, and I need to be in a contemplative zone to play music, to pray, to write--in short to do anything creative and focused. But I coldn't get my mind to shut up--so I couldn't enter the "zone" and focus on attentuating the basic simple chording with extra notes. I also couldn't keep an inner sense of flow to maintain timing, so that I was playing even familiar song I know with choppy, disrupted timing. Now, I am very comfortable with a bi-level chattering mind--it is my source of creativity. But for the last four or five years, I have lost my ability to get into the contemplative zone--and that is the most is what I am most bitter and resentful of--because this is a direct consequence of the implants, and nobody, absolutely nobody can tell me, this is a result of "ascension" or "DNA upgrade" or moving into a higher spiritual dimension. I have been in, and am quite familiar wth higher spiritual dimension, and the contemplative spirit is absolutely essential to it, not precluded by some weird, speeded up drug state.
A little while, earlier, I listened to a song that always takes me back to 6th grade. My 6th grade art teacher used to encourage everybody to bring records to share during the weekly hour long class. While we worked on our art, she deejayed. I was no good at art whotsoever, but I always loved that class because I enjoyed the music, and the randomness of the selection. There was a melancholic pop song that got a lot of play, "Seasons in the Sun" and it always appealed to my childhood melancholic sense of of life. It is not a well known song, so on the rare occasions when I hear it on the radio, I am transported in memory back to that emotional state I experienced as a 12 year old, but not today. For a "contemplative zone" is very related to "memory" and the "emotional zone" (the more sublime and positive emotions--I am always amazed at how angry I am when I have thiese speed demons nipping at my heels, making me want to throw plates at the wall). I can't even get into a positive emotional zone. As I sit here, I can feel the crawling in my legs, making me want to get up and move. Might as well--I'm ot capable of fanything else, requiring concentration, when I got the psychotropic speed download going on.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Took fiornal to help with unbelievable migraine, nausea

Took fiornal to help with unbelievable migraine, nausea--cant take fenergan because goddamned muscles so much in spasm i cant twist my body enough to enter supposititory. Muscles so goddamned spasmed cant walk because ankles knees elbows in permanetnt spasm. Once again, hysterical lauthrer. ask God PLEASE PLEASE GOD free me from this never ending nightmare of hell, pain, and suffering that is my life. I dont want to live this life anymore. This life is not livable. it is not bearable. i want it over. i WANT IT OVER.

Fucking christo-fascist pigs at it again

Fucking christo-fascist pigs at it again--woke up so fucking drugged i can barely walk or keep eyes open--cant stand stimuli--overwhelms. this is after a ite in which the goddamned wanna be christian motherfuckers overloaded my brain and body with their goddameed shit and left me moaning in agony. back is completely trashed right now. hurts to sit, to lift a tea kettle, to type. yesterday when the shit hit fann tried to do shaking, and felt better, but no sooner than i clear out energy channels than motherfuckers download shit. cant function like this. though i had to do mystery shoip and was going to cancel. cant drive, cant keep eyes open, cant function with this shit. fortunately dont have to do it. just have to survive in the kind of back pain and psychotropic drug hell i am in now. people dont realize how low my will to live in this fucked up never ending christo fascist hell is. all i want to to be free of these fuckers. to have a partner to love me and take care of me when im in such fucked up pain i am agoing out of my mid (and no you sorry sick sons of bitches , i dont mean the stupid ass goddamned fools you set to stalk on me--Iam LESBIAN. Get it. hell no.. you dont even get im a human being to you. im a labv rat for you to push buttons and drugs in. this is going to be a hell day. i cant keep going like this. Thak you God, at least i dont have to worry about mystery shop.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

212 pounds!

212 pounds! That is what I weighted myself on the medical scale. Actually towo sperarate ones--one had me at 211 , and the other at 213. That is tied ath the highest weight I have ever weighed. How depressing and enraging is that? Words fail. I have gained over 50 pounds thanks to the nitwit nimrod torturers who have also caused permanent brain damage with their psychotropic poison--esp. lithium and risperdol. I work, I sweat, I agonize, to lose 1 pound a month, and from a high of 212, I had gotten down to 207-208 at which I stabilized for 3 or 4 months. Then(because I was on some kind of drug that I needed to be on), I started losing again. Not having access to a scale, I can on;y guesstimate, but the way my clothes were hanging, I guess I was down to 202-205 pounds, top. Then the goddamned lithium started up again for two weeks and now I'm so fat, I'm miserable and can't fit into clothes. I knew things were going to take a bad turn when I saw, what I rcognize to be a "Christian, Opus Dei variety" observing me at the gym. I force myself, I push myself to work out. I am NOT healthy. I am NOT fit. I am a wreck who keeps forcing myself to try to work out so that I don't become a fat, moribund slug. Every day I deal with pain and severe muscle spasms, when I work out, a simple thirty minute workout leaves me exhausted with muscle trembling, barely able to walk, but instead of being able to gett healthier, and sstronger, I have opus dei dumbasses evaluating me, trying to see when I can withstand another 2 or 3 weeks of torture. Fuck them. Fuck you. And fuck you have done to my body and brain. You can't do it to my spirit, however, which remains indomitably aligned with God and Christ, and therefore has nothing in common with the perverted brand of spiritual brainwashing that you blaspheme to call Christian.
No need to get upset Tita. You hurt. You are in pain. You are depressed over the nearly 10 pounds of weight gain during ther last three weeks (not to mention the utter loss of life and wasted time). But you have got to go shopping, and already I dread it. I know the fuckers weill be drugging me up in the stores, making me so autistic that I have to close my eyes (they did it yesterday at Walmart, making it impossible for me to finish my list). It's kinda hard to shop that way--drugged to the point that the eyes have to close because they are overwhelmed by stimule,), and especially for someone like me--who hates shopping anyway, and find it emotionally draining. But nothing for it. Have to do it. Already I dread my day. Alaready my back is killing it with muscle spasm. I pray i can get everything done today.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Brief abatement in mental torture,but physically Im still a wreck.

Brief abatement in mental torture,but physically Im still a wreck. Last nite i was suffering from severe pains in abdomen as the bloating of stomach (my body didnt even want to drink water because it coulnt get out of the gut, and contributed to severe distension)put unbearable pressure on my abdominal organs. I even peed on the floor when i went to sit on the toilet and could not because the inner organs screamed at having to move and adjust, but i was in too much pain to use muscles to control my urine so i stood in silent, screaming agony while urine dribbled down my leg onto the floor. Now, my abdomen is a little happier, and mentally I am a lot more clear, but i am desperate to try to heal my back and I cannot get a break. I am in spasming pain with my lower and mid back and more than anything else, my body just needs a chance to heal but cant get it. but i have to take advantage of respite--dont know if tomorrow the goddamed rack and screws begin all over again. so God help me persever with the pain Im in--got to try to get some tasks out of the way.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Frrom bad to worse

Frrom bad to worse with fucking drugs. Lower back is compeletely locked making it impossible for me to lift leg and walk. Im so worried--worst fear is that i wont be able to travel. i cannot travel when i am barely mobile and in such severe pain from muscle spasms. too sick to do any shopping or anything. dont even think i can drive, tho i need to get to tpost office. cant read--not because like yesterdcay, because i couldnt concentrate, but because stimuli hurts the brain and just want to shut it down. somehhow have to take out trash today. too sick to take it out last week and now it is overflowing . sometime today, have to take out trash. going to be a very bad, nonfunctional day.
2 hrs later----absolute worst. dont think im going to be able to get out tash. while eating, wish somebody was there to feed me. agonizing pain to lift fork to mouth. every msucle in body locked. would have lowered face to palte and ate like dog, but it hurts to lean back over. everything hurts to type. all i can do is lay in bed and wish for death.

Monday, December 7, 2009


FUCKING GODDAMNED PIGS HAVE GOT ME DRUGGED AGAIN. so fucking furious. so sick of this shit. my malaise this morning wasnt cauysed by incipient flu or cold at all--iit was goddamned drugs stealing all my energy. tried to shake but cant shake. cant exercise. body locks up after 10 mins on treadmill--10 mins of sheer agonizing hell while i try to lift legs everything spasming--even my jaw muscle is spasming. but the worst is the weight gain. i cant continue to keep gainig weight. i have no fucking clothes to wear goddamned it. i am sick of being fat and locked up and miserable and not able to move or get energy to do nayhting. right now arms hurt so bad from tryiung to type this. typinsg shouldnt cause fucking muscle pain. then of course, there was the violent impulses again today --when once again, seeing a knife led to suicidal thoughts-hysterical laughing. yep dear, u r still o goddamed sicotrtopics and that is why u feel like shit and cant do anythig. all i can do is hate these sons of bithches--yeh, i know its all patriarchal men behind my suffering. God help me endure

Woke up with a bad head cold

Woke up with a bad head cold--I think I am getting sick but it is hard for me to tell, because the #1 way I know I am getting sick is that I feel bad, and I feel bad all the time! Dizzy, light-headed, fluish, and achy--that is status quo for me. But I have got a congested, painful ear (but I suffer from ear pains all the time--the implanst cause the pain), and I am kicking myself for going for a bike ride yesterday without my hat. The cold wind was whipping into my head and ears, and I knew that wasn't good for me, but the jacket hood was too cumbersome, and I can't remember where I put my wool toboggan. I am all congested with mucous, and recently learned, to my dismay, that benadryl, which I take nearly every night, actually generates excess amounts of mucous, which is certainly isn't good during the cold/flu season. But what can I do? A girl has got to sleep, and every night, going to bed and trying to sleep, is a struggle and even a nightmare. It is unusually cold and gray for New Mexico, and when there is no sun, I just shrink inside. So even though I had tentative plans for today, they are all shot. I had hoped to go to the gym for the first time in two weeks, hoping to start getting off this fat that the lithium just put back on me. I want to be able to fit into somehting other than sweats, when I am with my family. I need to shop for my brothers (I shop by just going to stores and looking around--I've got ideas; I just need to get out and do it). For the first time in a long time, I feel healthy enough to be out and about, but now, with this incipient cold/flu, I just want to stay at home and eat chicken noodle soup with garlic and jalapeno (have to go to the store for that, but boy does that jalapeno break up congested mucous. So I am going to spend all day at home (except for maybe a little store run), and hope that tomorrow the sun is out, and I feel better, and can go and do what I need to do.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Barely functional this mornign

Barely functional this mornign--cannot bear listening to music which normally is source of joy and energ for me. had brain rushes that kept jolting my cns last nite, resulting in the familiar involuntary spasms and electrical jolts that kept me awake all nite. Lithium. No joy, no feeling, just severe depression, making it hard for me to get out of bed and move, tho i tell myself i got to do something about my fithy house. it is like i carry one humdred ton of rocks. but i tell myself to keep going. keep going , no matter how hard. right now i got to lay down and go to bed. physically body is thrashed. find it hard to enven walk.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Definetly being force fed lithium

Definetly being force fed lithium--realized how fried mty brain was when I tried to send some emails, and i couldnt remember the spiel I always use or even write a paragraph. It took me long seconds to remember what my work history was. i even did not use proper domain names--simple mistakes that a normally healthy mind would catch immediately, but my brain is fried on the goddamned fucker's poison and i cannot remember or catch simple things. how much fucking brain cells are you pieces of shit going to kill off this time. turn me into a goddamned vegetable. i have no desire to live in a world where motherfuckers liek opus dei, ratzinger and fascist jesuits own and enslave me. you can destreoy my body and even my brain youd goddmanecd mother fuckers, but my sould I protect and enfence it with a hatred and vehemence that NEVER NEVER will you penetrate. GO TO HELL, ALL OF YOU. too sick to go any further. but rest assured my contempt for u knows no bounds.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Psycotropic hell

Psycotropic hell. lithium i guess by my expanding belly. too sick to do anything. dont know how im going to shower and dress tomorrow to see dale. maybe i wont. im too goddamned to do anything. house is a mess, but cant deal with it. cant even open eyes. hurts to get stimuli, like lithium, also intense pressure behind eyes and tenderness in head like lithium my god my god why have you forsaken me to the goddmned agents of satan, the roman cahoilic church. no one deserves the suffering i am being forced thru. no one. god hel; me.


FUCKED UP BEYOND BELIEF on whatever fucking chemical poison the religious fasscists have got in me now. i swing between uncontrollable despair and furious furious rage (as in FUCK YOU MOTHERF UCKERS GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE.LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE. DO YOU HEAR YOU GODDAMNED PIECES OF SHIT? DO YOU GET IT?F GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE FOREVER. Words don't do justice to the intensity. i gues it si better than the suicidal ideation that i have been steeped in the past few days. mentally, im not in reality. physically i can barely walk on numb legs. way too sick to do any kind of phyusical exercise. my belly is ice cold again. shaking out of the question. house is a fucking mess, but im not in reality enough to deal with it. i just want to escape the hell hole that these fuckers have put me in. why? my guess is its the stupidass christians at it again. well, guess what fuckers, i want nothing to do with you . to o hard to even type, arms dont even work. what a fucked up life i suffer/endure. wish to god i were fucking dead. one thing for sure, it beats being manipulated , poisoned, tortrured by a bunch of ereligious fascists who dare to call themselves christian. god get me out of htis chemical hell, please, please please.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

My God.

My God. I can't believe that I survived the sheer hell and torture that was yesterday. Words cannot even begin to describe the depths of suffering and pain. I'm fairly certain that it is all instigated by the luciferian/satanic fuckers (whether religious--Ratzinger/opus dei/Jesuits or political--Obama and the evil, scheming, rich financiers and media complex completely responsible for this traitorous, lying rise to power. I think that they fear that I am getting close to knowing "the mystery" that they vouchsafe only to initiates, or maybe they feel like they desperately need a "boost" from a fresh transfer of allegiance to their domain and agenda of sheer evil.
I can't be sure, but I think all of the suffering I endure is an attempt to pickle my brain so the demonic angels can access and channel my brain. Their stupidity cannot be emphasized enough. I have had direct access and spiritual channel to the Holy Lord God, His Son Jesus, through the Holy Spirit, and the mystical communion of saints. Nof for one minute am I going to be fooled by the evil of Satan, Lucifer, Sananda Kanat,Our Lady Nada, Nesara, the Sirians, the Argathans, or any other host of evil.
I can't understand why they just don't kill me. Surely they know I will never swing their way. Death is preferable to the suffering these people put me thru. Even now, I have woken up as out of a deep sickness or severe migraine, wrung out, limp, sore, and tentative. My poor back and body is so sore and twisted, it hurts to move. I feel as tho I have been stretched out on a rack and had my limbs torn from end to end. It's not going to be a good day. Body desperately needs rest and healing, but already the fuckers have started their torture again. Help me persevere as long as I breathe, Jesus, but to be honest, death would be very welcome. My poor body. I am sorry you are put thru this. God help me. Amen.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009


Pain--unbelievable, unbearable pain. muscles so spasmed hurts to breeathe, to move, totype. to do anything. entire back arched in pain, locked in spasm lay down and fantaxiae about death and heroin. woudl do anything to be free of this neverending pain.