Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Dreading the return trip home

Dreading the return trip home after another horrible night of nausea and pain. Nobody seems to understand how much the goddamned downloads negatively affect my body and brain. My blood sugar either crashes or spikes, I get nauseated and break out in hot flashes and sweat--even in a cold setting. I immediately come down with a migraine, and some kind of ADD inability to focus or concentrate. My muscles spasm in agony, and it becomes impossible to lay flat on my back as my lower back arches so high into the air that the body lacks grounding support. I become both hungry for protein and thirsty, at the same time, yet I have some kind of heartburn blockage in my chest. I can't even drink water--it would make me sick, so I have to drink sparkling water or gatorade or juice. And for what, all this misery? I don't believe the bandy of the Internet--that this is necessary to survive 2012 or that we are "ascending", though we may be moving into a different dimension. But I, with my grim, unflinchingly realistic mind, suspect that we are being prepped for a very negative future of slavery. Last night, in between fits of agonizing mental and physical pain, I dreamed that somehow (it was a very unclear, tentative dream), I was being prepared for "cloning." "Cloning" is another Internet conspiracy theory, but I suspect there is something to it, though I can't understand how. (I can't understand a lot of things, but I recognize glimmerings of truth, and so I keep an open mind). I know though, that I don't want to be cloned. I don't want these brain downloads destroying my health (I have spent the last day looking at pictures of myself, and don't recognize the happy face that I used to have, until five years ago, when this chemical and physical hell began). I never see my face, happy and smiling anymore. Now my face is constantly red and bloated, with lymphatic pouches pulling down the corners of my mouth, that were once upturned in a perpetual good humor. Now, when I see myself in the mirror, I no longer am the happy, carefree person I once was, but rather a person in constant pain, unhappiness and constraint, as I try to flail against the prison my tormentors have constructed around my every move. How do I get out? Which political faction can I trust? This becomes important as it is clear that the current political faction is under strenuous attack. I prefer not to get involved, but I am--as a victim. This line of thinking is opening up a whole other level and dimension that I am loathe to enter--if only because I am not healthy enough to maintain focus and concentration to follow it through. I would like to pray about it, but again, prayer requires focus and concentration, and that is practically impossible for me. Maybe next year, free me God.

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