Thursday, September 29, 2011

I never know what kind of drug I am going to be

I never know what kind of drug I am going to be on when I wake up. Today, I have spent most of the day feeling that I am on "speed". Everything is sped up, and I am hyperactive in my mind. In short, I am back to where I was in the early days of the alien interference, before the implants. I tell myself to try to work to get back to a quiet and peaceful mind in a natural way, which is how I lived the early years of my adulthood. I tell myself that I am healthy enough to try to get back into a discipline--spiritual, physical, mental, and no sooner do I resolve to do so, that I get whammied by a huge viral download. That is what happened this afternoon, and it hit me so strongly that I could not get up, or even open my eyes (because I was too autistic). Instead, I was in some kind of semi-conscious state, that felt more natural, and less frighteningly psychotic than the wipeout I experience when my system is desperately short of testosterone, but it still is not a healthy experience. As I write this, I keep rocking back and forth (too much hyper energy that I no longer am healthy enough to act out physically), and my eyes hurt from all the stimuli, but I am functioning. However, I will say it again (as I have said many times before). If I am to ever astral travel, it needs to happen with my cooperation as a free human being who knows what is happening to me, and can help direct the process. Force feeding me all kinds of drug and hormone combos won't work, because of the idiosyncratic nature of my autistic brain. I recognized the peace that I experienced a couple of days ago, when I was given lithium--before it fried my brain. That peace was a peace I attained through my own self discipline and effort as a young woman, via meditation. I have a naturally hyper and obsessive-compulsive mind, but I brought it under control before, and I could do it again, if I were just allowed to cooperate with the process, instead of being treated as a lab rat. I LIKE the meditative state of mind. I miss it. However, I also am comfortable with a hyperactive, compulsive mind--it is the impetus for a lot of my creative insights. The two are not necessarily contradictory or clashing, but it is a balancing act, and my rational, mature ego holds the balancing pole, as I walk the tightrope between peace and order, chaos and creativity. I have done it before, and I can do it again, but not in the state I am in now, when I never know from day to day, how I am going to feel upon awakening.

Sooner or later, I am going to be shut down by what I sense to be an encroaching Internet shutdown. Today, the Sorcha Faal site, revealed that it had shut down all of its archives--I lost access to a lot of good stuff there--BECAUSE I KNEW HOW TO READ AND INTERPRET IT. I am not a human computer. Oftentimes I will remember something, but I can't recall precisely what is important--then I go searching through the worldwide web--which to me is nothing but a huge library. I fear that increasing amounts of data are going to be lost to my access as 2012 unfolds--for even though, I would like to believe that the incredible roller coaster ride of the last two years is at an end, I think the high drama of the "occult" (hidden) cosmos is still looking to steamroll over planet Earth into a new stone age. I can get around the restricted Sorcha Faal files, but if data blocks keep disappearing, I am going to become increasingly handicapped in my ability to understand and interpret "the signs of the times".

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Nothing like necessity to get the juices flowing

Nothing like necessity to get the juices flowing--already I feel more alive. I cannot be sure, but a brief view of cable news has put me on alert regarding the Washington monument and the state of Wyoming.

I am certain that those Washington monument workers were rigorously scrutinized and vetted. However, remember that in Dan Brown's novel, the big "key code" was hidden in the Washington monument. The freemasons have been tuned into the occult for a long time. George Washington set up a lighthouse (an obelisk shape) on the infamous Montaulk proprty, which, surprise, surprise, turned out to be prime real estate for a time portal. In other words, he knew. How? I think an alien (s), along the lines of a "St. Germaine" from another dimension probably helped some of the founders of the American revolution in their desire to create a "new world". What if this code key is a beacon that transmits to outer space--the Ursa Major or Ursa Minor constellation. Even if the PLT is confident the Washington monument is clean, I hope that they have got a Plan B for standby--something that would act as a force field around the monument. If that old Montaukk lighthouse is still standing, I would recommend that it be investigated for possible anomalies as well. Finally, Lady Liberty is another Freemason construct--not an obelisk, but rather an Isis figure projecting tall into the sky.
Hopefully that would be checked as well. REMEMBER, the Washington monument is a tall pyramid, and in occult lore, the pyramids can blow open and act as a travelling conduit through space.

The other item that I saw on the news that sent off intuitive alarms was the WH map mixup between CO and WY. While the PLT and the loyal military have been busy blowing up underground tunnels and survivalist installations, I think they might have missed one in WY. While the NASA bigwigs are in Denver, the really big and evil fish are hiding in a hole, one state up. I would suspect the ritzy titzy ranch that is in the Northwest corner of the state in Yellowstone, or for that matter, any property that has ever passed under the title of Dick Cheney or anyone in his family. I believe that some of the recovering Monarch sex slaves have written of an Illuminati ranch in WY. Also, keep an eye out on "Old Faithful". If there are major planetary stresses and volcanoes erupting, Old Faithful is vulnerable, too, and as a matter of fact has been recording an unusual number of small earthquakes within the last year or two, if memory serves.

This is what was hanging over my head--now that it is out, I still feel lousy--drugged and headachy, but I no longer feel dammed up with something that needed to be released. Hope it helps.

I had no interesting dreams last night

I had no interesting dreams last night, probably because I was drugged on Depakote. I remember dreaming something about the Congo (which I assume to be the Black community), but the drugs interfere with my ability to remember or recall anything. I just know that for the second day in a row, I woke up groaning. That is a common tell-tale sign of Depakote, or some similar psychotropic drug that I have been force fed multiple times. I think that I actually was on lithium, yesterday as well. Upon waking this morning, and looking on pictures that I could not, for the life, of me, "interpret" conclusively, this morning, I could identify the markers I look for with ease. This confirmed what I already was suspecting last night. The drug (lithium), that had been forced on me, was seriously impacting my intuitive faculty. It also was impacting my drive, energy, and attitude, and my guess is that today, the negative symptomology would be even worse, except that I am not on lithium. Instead, I am on some drug that totally drains my energy, and makes me just want to lie down and sleep--almost feels like a sedative or low marijuana kind of high.

Anyway, last night, the lithium did what it always does--caused the brain rushes and bio-electrical energy jolts, that make it impossible to sleep. It also caused the intense anger that accompany lithium in my system. If they had left it in long enough, I would start experiencing mood swings. This angry and frustrated mindset is important, because I think I was abducted last night, to gauge whether my unconscious is following my conscious in the desire to be accepted by the Black community. Judging from all the White men I encountered on my bike ride (and the dearth of Black faces) , and the crippled woman parked across my open door all morning, I would assume "no".

I am certain that the drugging I endure has a big impact on this contrary attitude. Intellectually, I understand and accept becoming a Black man. Rationally, it makes sense from an intuitive perspective. I could present my case, but for me, it is not necessary--I already understand and accept it. For all the racists or negative occultists, it won't make a difference--they only see me as fitting into their agenda--most especially as some "Isis" kind of figure that holds sway in their imagination, but has no power in reality. However, emotionally, or unconsciously, there apparently still is resistance, and I am not sure precisely what is the cause of that, except to say that I honor and respect it. Something still has to be worked through and out. I am not certain that it is my reluctance to enter a BLACK community, as it is a reluctance to enter a Black COMMUNITY. I just have long standing socialization issues, arising from my autistic difficulties as a youth, and all the negativity, control, and rejection that I have experienced, even to this day--including a felt sense of betrayal and abandonment by the Black psychics. I don't hold grudges, although I can completely close off, and it really takes a lot for me to completely close off--like firing me from work, interfering with my relationships, throwing me in jail for six months, and into a psychiatric institution for six months, so that I will be a "nun". I am completely closed off to that future, or any that involves religious celibacy. I am completely closed off to being a crippled female, or any kind of Isis anima figure. I am not yet closed off to being an integral part of the Black community, because, while I felt violated by the initial psychic intrusion, I pushed back as good as I got, and I consider their most egregious fault, that of not approaching me over a year ago, to tell me that I was in immediate and explicit danger and offer sanctuary, to be a "sin" of omission, rather than a "sin" of commission. Yes, they did it, because they were uncomfortable with my strong female and lesbian being, but the bottom line is that it was their choice to make, and not an infringement upon my choice (we could get deep into a discussion about prejudices and "isms", etc, but I find that counterproductive). The bottom line is that (as those who are Catholic or theologically inclined know), there is a tremendous difference between a sin of omission and a sin of commission. So, while regrettable, there is no grudge. I am more upset that they did not support me, while my musculature was being all cut out, while I was risking my neck to support them in astral battles. Again, though, if I were to hold a grudge, it would be against Salusa, who I believe was primarily responsible, but I think I know why Salusa did it, and so I cannot hold a deep grudge there, either. Yes, I got angry about it; I deserved to get angry about it. However, for me, anger is a freeing emotion. I let it rip, and it releases all the negative energy. I am very Hispanic and Scotch Irish in that way. To be honest, I think many in the Black community experience anger as a negative emotion that does not release and free the pain, but one that shackles and drags down into a cesspool of resentment and bitterness. So, maybe they fear my anger--too bad, my anger is what enables me to live and experience honestly, and then forgive and move on. So I have.

So, again, what is holding me back? I don't know. Such a radical change probably takes a while. I could wish that I could get acceptance into a community as I am, but I think they fear that I would become comfortable without the radical transformation into the person they have been waiting for, ever since they gained access to occult knowledge--the promise of a Black leader. They probably are correct in their assumption, because my life has been so difficult that I have learned to thrive in whatever environment in which I am put, nearly always after a rocky, initial adjustment. As a matter of fact, now that my energy levels are higher (almost certainly because they did something to the nerves in my sacrum), I feel a lot better, even in this mutilated body that still doesn't work right. I can't help myself--I am by nature, a happy person. Still, my arms don't work right, and these Nazi boobs drive me crazy, and I hate the feeling I get when the estrogen is forced on me--not to mention that I still go bumping into walls, from lack of energy, so I still scream for the return of my strong, healthy body. I know that I am going to get it back--whether as a Black man (that is what I would bet on), or as an intersexed, lesbian woman, I don't know.

I guess that some of the White occultists (who? what alliance?), now recognize that I am masculine, and may be angling for my participation in their alliance, and I do not hate or disown my White or Hispanic heritage, but the truth is that the Black people of the world need a strong leader and hero, while the Whites and Hispanics will do just fine without one. They have had plenty of them over the centuries, who left strong, and longstanding cultural and spiritual roots and value systems to guide them. It is not that there have not been good Black candidates for transformative leaders, but the two most promising Black leaders of the last century, Dr. King and Malcolm X, were assassinated, while the latter was milked for his semen in his sleep, so that the White occultists could try to control the future Black leader. So, it is the deep Christian in me, that remembers the words of Jesus, and how he prayed for the people, "for they were sheep without a shepherd".

Of course, Jesus learned that while they yearned for a strong leader, these leaderless Israel patriots also wanted to control their shepherd--the desire of the spiritually immature and psychologically weak everywhere, and so, he ended up on the cross, dying a martyr. I do not feel called to martyrdom--if I did, I would be the crippled female saint, or for that matter, would have languished in an unfulfilling life as a nun. No, I feel better when I am exercising my gifts, even if they seem to flourish undercover, as do the writings on this blog. I continue to hope that the martydom that I am enduring now--the enforced isolation and loneliness, will someday be at end. I hope so, but no matter what, I will be true to my imperative as a Christian disciple--and that means, for me, that I will strive to be both psychologically and spiritually strong (no matter whether I am female or male; Black or White), and I will aim for continual conversion to be a better person in accord with the will of God. I think I know the what the will of God is--I just have to drag this reluctant flesh across the finish line, but no matter what, I will finish strong and free, and if I celebrate the end of my race alone, so be it--people will know how a strong and free human being lives their life, no matter the challenges or adversity. In the meantime, I just look to be strong and free today--it is hard, when I am so damned drugged--but at least, I am functioning, so praised be to God for that...

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Just when my psychic sense was feeling lulled

Just when my psychic sense was feeling lulled by a sense of comfortable complacency, one little zinger caught my eye, and started the ball rolling. It is about the death of Doritos founder, Arch West, from Dallas/Irving (remember the mother of young Camden Pierce was from Irving?), who recently passed away at 97, and was buried a full week after his reported death. Despite his advanced age, I think this could very well be another voluntary satanic sacrifice, such as I have recognized before, but let slide from memory (except for Zechariah Sitchin). Mr. West was the son of a Mason, and a Mason himself, raised in a Franklin IN "Masonic home" upon his father's death. I would say he probably came from a generational occult family. His main claim to fame was "inventing" and marketing the Doritos chip. In 2008, he partnered with a Norwegian EISCAT Space Center (close to the "doomsday seed vault" and how close to the HAARP facility that highlighted Obama's visit with opening a wormhole?), to send this ad to a star in Ursa Major (which star--UMa47?). In occult and conspiracy lore, Ursa Major is associated with the anti-Christ, and I have been reading odd news about bears for some time, now. The bear reference is thought to refer to "Arcturus", which of course, is a major NASA conspiracy channeling medium. I don't know that there are any "Arcturians"--if there ever were any, I think that they were assimilated by MACHINE-RA, a long time ago. Interestingly enough, the "Tall Whites" at Area 51 (you know the ones who like to copulate with humans and breed "Amalekite" monsters?), told Airman (ROBERT?) Hall that they were from Arcturus, but even he could recognize that they told him that as some kind of inside joke. He knew that they weren't from Arturus at all.

You know, I am wondering myself, how much the diminishing of my Obsessive compulsive thinking patterns will affect my creative thought processes, for I am not feeling that "compulsive edge and bite" to figure things out, which leads me to go over and over information. However, to be fair, I have been feeling mellow for quite some time--ever since I killed that huge snake in my dream. Also, I felt strangely peaceful today, which I attributed to the meds I think I am being given, but after doing some light reading, now attribute to the proximity of Elenin to the Earth. I am of the view that it brings positive news, and I was hoping I would be able to dream tonight (though I am worried, because I have not been able to remember my dreams--I think I am being given Depakote, which I hate, and I don't think I need AND IT MESSES UP MY ABILITY TO DREAM, DAMMIT!).

However, I still know an intuitive tug when I see one, and Mr. West's obit certainly fits the bill. Whether I am losing my edge, or I am tired, (or maybe just too damned complacent, which makes me lazy), I am unable to fit the pieces together. However, I will lay them all out for you. First of all, I am a little worried about the possibility of an event in St. Louis. I read that, once again, a particular species of fish was dying in Arkansas, and I worry that there is some satellite that is beaming a frequency that is going to target some population in the St. Louis/MO area. I see that a massive bust of heroin dealers just happened in St. Louis, so maybe the Good Guys are a step ahead of me (see what I mean about complacency?). I also hope someone can follow through on that Norwegian space center (make sure that it is not in contact with satellites or UFO's), and the Ursa Major constellation, as well as the two men who "discovered" UMa47--one of them definitely is a candidate for possible satanic/occult involvement; the other is always wearing sunglasses, so I cannot see his eyes.

I am feeling tired and listless--drugs for sure--just don't know which ones, and it definitely is impacting my drive and intuitive edge, but now I get to sleep. I hope I dream good dreams AND CAN REMEMBER THEM!

ps: Check out this illustration from the Plantard family crest (Illuminati/occult aristocracy:

It shows the Big bear and Little bear, Ursa Major and Ursa Minor, tied to the POLE AXIS of the Earth--so watch out for disturbances in those two constellations to simultaneously emit/discharge something that could shift the axis of the Earth...

And the games go on...

And the games go on...frustrating day while mind games continue, so for example, Black psychics and red Sirians check me out to see if I will lose my temper, when people play bullshit games with me. As for me, I have been in a mellow mood most of the day--it was the people around me, who were getting really teed off. Why? Because playing bullshit games with people, giving substandard service, and shoddy attention, when they go to fill their prescriptions, makes a normal person angry. I no longer am normal. My body is a wreck, and my brain permanently impaired by all the dumbasses who have been playing mind games with me, while I have struggled on a near daily basis to do my best, even though I have been suffering from glutamate poisoning and psychotropic-induced autism for years now. So, yes, you long suffering medical patients who gave me hard stares and said, "I can't believe this", I understand. Imagine going through that shit for years. As for me, I was kept waiting in the doctors office, then went to the pharmacy, waited for a 1/2 hour, just to be told prescription hadn't been sent, then went back to the doctors' office. I had a pharmacist refuse to vend me Tylenol Sinus, after his supervisor came and talked to him. Of course this was a lie--some Black psychic just checked me out while I suffered this indignity. Again, no big thing. I am used to being frustrated, abandoned, betrayed, used and abused by non supportive "allies" at every step of the way. What really pissed me off, though, was that my homemade probiotic brew was tampered with. It was fermented cabbage, and I had it in the basement, so that the smell would not permeate my house. The basement currently is not locked, though it would not matter if it were--my tormentors can gain access to my house with ease. Anyway, I knew the brew had been tainted, when I retrieved it, because liquid had spilled out onto the deep pan I put it in. When I had left it, the bowl of brew had been completely Saran wrapped. More than anything else, they wanted to let me know they could tamper with it at will--there was a half smoked cigarette by the basement stairs (sobs always used to leave their damned cigarette butts as "tags" around my house). Still, I decided to partake, and sure enough, no sooner do I take it, then the head starts involunarily shaking, and my back muscles start spasming painfully.

So, you see, this crazy abuse and mind control games go on and on and on. At every step of the way, I figure out how to heal what these negative Sirians have done to me, and at every step of the way, they make my life more miserable. The really frustrating thing about this glutamate antagonist business is that if I had been working with a doctor, a REAL doctor, not one of the Nazis or red/dog Sirians, I could have figured that out a long time ago. Even now, for those who have the function, do a search for "glutamate" in this blog, for I know that I have mentioned it more than once that my suffering is caused by neuron excitation and toxicity caused by excessive glutamate. When I was 23 or 24 years old, I told a therapist that I was suffering from an obsessive-compulsive disorder, but she waved it away, saying that my MMPI showed me to be the exact opposite of an obsessive compulsive. I have told people on several occasions that I am OCD, most recently my mother, who told me that she worked with OCD people and that I had none of the behavioral characteristics.

I may have none of the BEHAVIOR, of an OC sufferer, but my mind can get stuck in those obssessive compulsive patterns. When I am healthy, it only happens when I "working a problem or idea", or trying to emotionally debrief a situation. I used contemplation and mental discipline to get the "monkey mind" under control, but the damned virus and the glutamate excitation that it caused totally demolished all of my hard earned peace of mind. It is nice to have a mellow mind again, but the tampered probiotic brew has me back in the agitated, obsessive-compulsive state.

Just a waste of my time, and my life--unnecessary suffering, because some negative Sirian and their Jesuits/religious fascist sycophants think that I am going to be a cripple for the rest of my life to feed their dependent, lying asses. You know, a doctor was actually very close to figuring out what my mental condition was, and how best to treat it. Although she was an opthamalogist, she prescribed me Gabapentin, which is a Glutamate receptor antagonist which is what I need. I took the Gabapentin, and noticed that I felt better, but I wanted more of an opportunity to see how it really worked. For this was in the early days of my suffering, when I had a clear memory of what it felt like to be normal with a healthy brain, and a happy outlook on life--after years of this shit, I just want to feel like a half human--forget about being a "peak" human. However, because this was in the early days of my torture, I left the bottle of Gabapentin in my bathroom cabinet, a huge mistake that I haven't made in years. It was tainted, so that for my second dose, I was shaking and screaming in pain. Too bad--because if I am not on Gabapentin now, I could have worked with that doctor to find what glutamate antagonist would have been better. Damned fuckers and their stupidass mind control games have prevented me from true healing and treatment for years, and they think I want ANYTHING to do with them, after they have stolen years of my life, and left me a mutilated, miserable wreck???

Even now, as I write this, I can feel my appendix twinging, and my guess is that the probiotics are doing their thing, but there is no way that I can continue with it as a regular regimen, because I cannot stand the way the tainted psychotropic makes me feel. In a way, this doesn't matter. I have been going through this misery for years, and somehow I manage to come through, no matter how poorly I feel, no matter how unsupported or unbriefed I am. I will continue to do so, because it is in my nature to excel, even when every circumstance and people around me, are doing everything possible to undermine me. I am grateful though, for the respite. I know my mind must be working better, because I am suffering boredom again. A few days ago, I was re-watching some disinfo video for a clue, and I was so beside myself with boredom. Well, at least I can read--not right now, though--that homemade brew has left me really messed up

Monday, September 26, 2011

More thoughts on possible OCD

More thoughts on possible OCD medication...I researched it very briefly and recognized that anything that shut off glutamate receptors would be something I would like to try if I were in a healthy place, with a healthy relationship with a health practicioner. Instead, I have spent all day sleeping, drugged to the point of nonfunction on whatever psychotropic the red Sirians/Jesuits are shoving down my throat. I tried to bike earlier, but had to quit at the very beginning, after realizing that I was singing "White Rabbit" to myself, because I had no sense of distance, space or time. It was like being stoned out of my mind on THC (which only ever happened to me a couple of times).

Anywway, it doesn't matter what drugs those red Sirians throw at me. They do not wish for my health. They wish for me to be a crippled female that they can all groove on in their childish dependency. Congratulations, dipwads--I have been a crippled female all day, unable to do anything, though I forced myself to go shop for a few things I will need tomorrow.

Once again, as I prepare for bed, I am so congested with the goddamned estrogen forced on me. The stupid pricks force feed me estrogen, then wonder why I am a childish girl in my sleep. What matters is how I feel when I am conscious, and I have FELT LIKE SHIT ALL DAY, with all the goddamned slime that estrogen puts in me, and the bumping around walls and autism. I am too sick to do anything but take pills and hiope for a better day tomrorow. Maintneance man will be here. need to go to library. probably be a rough day.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

I am so hyperactive and obsessive compulsive

I am so hyperactive and obsessive compulsive in my mind that I am finding it hard to think or concentrate. I guess it is good that I feel comfortable about what is happening in the outside world, because I am not worth a damn today. Needless to say, there was no exercising, because I am too drugged, TOO ALIENATED from reality to do any physical exercise. My face literally hurts from all the fluid pulling down the cheeks and my lymph nodes under my chin are tender or sore. What has been driving me crazy though, is the constant running nose and eyes, and vaginal secretions. I went through an entire box of Kleenex, and my nose is sore. I finally took some Alka-Setzer cold plus to stop the running nose. It worked, but it was interesting to see how my body reacted to it. I haven't taken Alka Seltzer Cold Plus in years, because it was always the OTC of last resort, back in the "good old days" when I suffered colds and flus. Even a slight fever always wiped me out and I would take AS Cold Plus, when I was the laying dead, and had to get up and walk. I always figured that something that could affect me that profoundly couldn't be good for me, especially since it made me even higher than I felt with the fever. Today, however, all the negative side effects were gone, though it did stop the runny nose. I will have to take something else to sleep, because, literally, watery fluid runs from my nose and eyes. I am worried about my optic nerve, because I can tell there is too much pressure behind my eyes. My mind is stuck back in the obsessive-compulsive modes, but I tell myself to relax, that there is nothing I can do about it. If the good guys are doing this to me, they are on the wrong track. Feeling miserable and drugged, bumping into walls with all the excess estrogen, is not a good place for me to launch into astral territoru.

So much for premature victory laps

So much for premature victory laps--no sooner did I post that blog than the viral download nearly paralyzed me. It made my body so heavy that I was practically unresponsive, and the pain in my sacrum made it hard to literally lift the legs. However, I survived the night, and woke up to find myself in another familiar (if previous) state, the hyperactive state. I have EXTREME amounts of estrogen in my body which is causing me to have a constantly running nose. I am sitting next to a waste basket filled with about 20 tissues. However, I also am really high testosterone, which gives me enough energy to withstand the estrogen onslaught. However, my back muscles are spasming, having read my "morning paper", I am ready to lay down on a heating pad and read a novel. I hope to feel healthy enough to go for a bike ride soon. For I am feeling more energetic, and want to try to work out my back problems. However, all the cutting and mutilation have left my back with multiple structural/mechanical problems and imbalances. I never had problems with my left side of my back until my pelvis/back were inverted, and all the muscles chopped from my hamstrings. Now, I have problems in my left glutes that I never had before. Years ago, an orthopedic specialist determined that my left leg was significantly bigger in circumference than my right leg, and said it was a natural development. I think the body was trying to offset a structural imbalance in the back, and now that is gone, which causes problems in the back, and causes me to lurch when I walk, as if I have some kind of a limp. Still, I am able to stretch out a little bit more than previously, and now that I have more energy, I need to try to "push it".

Before closing, I should touch on the most imminent plan by the KaBal to destroy the planet. It is set for this week, with the peak days being, I think, the 27th-30th. I believe that they are going to try to superheat Earth's upper atmosphere via massive coronal ejections, and specialized equipment that they have covertly launched into orbit. This could fry the Earth with an EMP blast, or cause devastating planetary stresses and changes, such as earthquaes, tsunamis, power outages, digital infrastructure collapse, ect. However, my intution is telling me that the KaBalists are going to be disappointed. I know that the PLT are already on top of the information (see Sorcha Faal's story on Brian Alexi), and are working with top scientists to prevent it. I think that they will be successful, though I fully support and admire their prudence in withdrawing to hidden, "fortified" positions, "just in case". I myself plan to stock up on bottled water tomorrow. These KaBalists are diabolically clever, and their plans and backup plans never can be underestimated.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

I have been feeling as close to my "normal" self

I have been feeling as close to my "normal" self, in the past couple of days, as has happened in a long time. Not only is my positive energy level much higher than it has been in months (did the aliens return my sacral nerves and muscles to their original position?), but I feel in tune with reality, instead of alienated from it. Likewise, I feel more at peace with my own inner self, which to me, is another way of saying that I am in tune with my inner self instead of alienated from it. I still am not my normal, optimally healthy self. I recognized early today (and last night) that my brain was getting in stuck in obsessive compulsive tracks. Now, I normally go over and over again, the thoughts and images in my head, but I know that all the occult interference and drugs have made those repetitive ruminations much more compulsive. And, for the record, it is better for my creative process that I get stuck in obsessive compulsive mental repetition than I am drugged on lithium or some other psychotropic which deadens my mind, and makes thinking and verbalizing a struggle. I wonder if some kind of OCD psychotropic would benefit me?

I know that if I were completely free of all these alien viruses, that I would be able to heal my body/mind/spirit/soul most efficaciously, but I know that is not going to happen. I recognize that I am still suffering from viral downloads, but it is not so damed crazymaking or psychosis causing as before. I don't know--maybe I am on some new psychotropic drug, and tomorrow, I am going to wake up totally debilitated. I can't help but notice that oftentimes, I will be fine on a psychotropic for a few hours, or the first day, but as soon as they accumulate in my brain, I become barely able to function. Still, it feels good to feel more in touch with reality than I have in a long time.

This isn't to say that I am not suffering. Very soon, I am going to have to lay down or sit in my massage chair, for my back spasms are killing me. I tested a pint of vodka I purchased a couple of days ago, and after one sip, I got very sick with the kind of viral affliction that I guess the Amon Ra devotees create--but it was different, much worse, and much more alienating than the other viral downloads I have been experiencing all day. Maybe someone pulled an implant out of my head.

Anyway, it feels good to feel more like a human being, even though as I write this, that "normal" feeling is gone, as the viral download is gaining steam, but at least I had nearly an entire day of feeling normal.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

All the excessive estrogen

All the excessive estrogen and/or psychotropic drugs that I am being force fed is now causing sickening side effects--literally. My tongue is coated with white fur and I have developed a candida taste in my mouth from all gut flora now in my system--which is funny, because my belly feels uncomfortably full and bloated all the time. I only eat to stave off the blood sugar crashes. I am constantly full of mucous--with slime in my mouth, congested nasal and sinus areas, and in my throat. So I am miserable with my body. The viral download is reminiscent of the early days when it caused a hyperactive response, along with a lot of muscle spasm and locking. Still, it is better to have a hyperactive response than a sluggish, hating life response. I did feel energetic for part of the day (and sluggish for the other part), so much so that walking at my normal pace was painful, because of all the muscle that has been cut out of my knees and feet (it is painful where they cut out nerve tissue). They also continue to cut out my hand muscle and bone--my left hand looks positively crippled and bizarrely tiny. Amazingly, I can't wear a watch that was loose on me for years, and now is too tight--too much fluid in the wrists. I can't even comfortably wear the smallest size hand brace. So, I continue to be dismayed by the nocturnal cuttings going on--not only emotionally distraught, but physically handicapped by them.

However, it does not look as though any allied ships are coming to my rescue, though the Asian/Amon Ra contingent sent a contingent to scope me out. NO FUCKING WAY! I have plenty of time to experience their vibe--they have a household of allied psychics right next to me--and that negative, "possessed" vibe repels me. They have used scurriously covert abduction mind control ops on me, and they are the ones responsible for so much of my medicine/supplement contamination. They literally make me sick. I was looking for signs of the Black psychics, but not one did I see--just an old white haired gentleman, who I approached to ask the time, while the young White man sitting next to him, stared at me in bemusement. He knew there was an ulterior motive, but couldn't figure it out--"Hey lady, you want to pick up this old Black I saw a Black woman at the market, but she assiduously avoided eye contact.

I am not surprised. I realized yesterday, that by waiting an extra day, I was giving the chance for the (negative?) Sirians and their close human allies, the religious fascists and Jesuits, a chance to work the same old mind control shit that they no doubt were responsible for initiating, millenia ago, in patriarchal religion. You know, the same old shit that I have endured for over a dozen years, starting with the spiritual life institute. I am sick and tired of playing mind control games. Neither by my natural temperament, and exacerbated by my autistic relation to reality--I don't know how to play mind games that so many humans adopt as natural. I just know how to relate honestly and clearly. So, I will attempt to connect for a few more days, and then I will just drop it. What will be will be, and I am not going to force any issue. I know that one way or another, I will get my body back, because I literally cannot bear to be in the body that the negative Sirians have carved out, mutilated, and contorted my flesh to become. There is no way that I can be any kind of positive or creative presence in this fucked up, pain-wracked, miserable, mutilated body that the goddamned Nazis have forced on me. Even now, looking at my hands, I am repulsed at the sight of their unnatural, crippled, and childish appearance. My left hand hurts like hell, too, but I can no longer shake it to try to get relief--shaking causes even greater pain. What the fuck--I have been in so much pain for so many years now, it just is second nature.

In the meantime, I have to try to live and suffer with all the misery and pain that these occultists put me through. So far, I have not had a repeat of the agonizing torment of the night before last. However, I am suffering from digestive congestion and dyspepsia (no thyroid), gut candida with accompanying taste and thrush, and worse of all, the neverending brain rushes and bio-electrical jolts that indicates to me, lithium or a psychotropic relative of lithium. I don't know how I am going to get through a night when i suffer so much (wonder what the Asians/AmnonRA people added to my vicodin that I picked up today), but this shit has been going on for so long, that it is just second nature to endure.

I rejoiced at seeing the two young men, who have been unjustly detained in Iran on bullshit charges, return home. They looked pale, wan, and unhealthy. Life in an Iranian prison, far from home, family, and cultural embrace, must have been really hard. You know, if they had really been spies, I would still be excited at their release, but the worst part of their whole ordeal, is that they were just innocent, naive youths who got lost in the mountains, and ended up suffering terribly for their naivete. They became pawns in the ongoing political tensions between Iran and the US. That is what I feel that I have become--a pawn used and moved by various (and sometimes, negative alien forces and their human allies and minions. I have to hope that I too, can be free someday. Clearly, I will never again be free with the innocence and naivete of my youth and early adulthood. I will never again relish in the joy and carefree happiness of being a "nobody" (which to me, as a spiritual person, is one of the most freeing states of being in the world), of being able to sing and dance around my house without being watched and monitored; the freedom of a lack of significant responsibility--just be a rolling stone that goes where I will; the freedom to vent, either verbally or in my journals, without worrying about unintended or misinterpreted consequences. Sometimes, when I read Scripture, I think on how spiritual giants like David, Moses, and Jesus, must have longed for their early days, before heavy responsibility just landed on their heads--David tending his sheep, Moses in Midian, and Jesus in the early days of his itinerant ministry, before he attracted all the negative attention. It is so much easier to have an honest and deep conversation with God, when you are just a "nobody"--no Sirians or negative entities sidebusting in to confuse one's sense of discernment...I suppose it fair to say that I resisted heavy duty responsibility for much of my life (and when I did attempt to take it on, I experienced nothing but rejection), but now it has all come crashing down on me, with none of the perks or benefits (professional or peer recognition, or paycheck).

Still, at every step of the way, I have acted in accord with my conscience and the call of my spirit and heart--the only true way I know to discern the will of God. Clearly, I am not meant to be a hidden mystic, an inconsequential "nobody" in the world. I am okay with that, but there is a nostalgic sadness for the days of my youth, when everybody thought I was a little (or a lot) neurotic, but I was happy with my freedom and choices. However, the lack of business, peer, and family networks and support structures did leave me more vulnerable to the evil machinations of the occultists, and I realize now the truth of John Donne: "No man is an island". Yes indeed, like the two freed hikers, I have suffered terribly for my youthful hubris, naivete, and trusting innocence that my natal citizenship, with its conferred rights and due process, would protect me from egregious injustice. The world, indeed the cosmos, is streaked and marred with evil and limitations, and no one can ever completely escape that taint; all we can do is choose to struggle to make the our reality a better, holier place. Everybody has their place in that struggle, and sometimes we do not choose our vocation and place in the world, but have it chosen for us. Such has been my lot the past few years, and such is my foreseeable future.
All I can do is meet it, live it, and embrace it, with integrity. What I cannot do, because it runs counter to my own nature, is play mind games with it. However, the mind games are running full steam ahead, and now I have to try to sleep with the pain and implants--but is all okay, because God's Will be done, on Earth as it is in heaven...

A second night of brain/electircal jolt rushes

A second night of brain/electircal jolt rushes--I AM ON FUCKING LITHIUM FUCKING AGAIN. It is probably the lithium that has me feeling like dead zombie all day. Barely functional. so sick wish i were dead. though my mind is resolved, there is no joy in decision. just time to do it, needs to be done. can only pary that I get off these drugs that have me as walking dead.
Tonite there is no excruciating headache. there may have been an energy weapon directed at the house last nite. Was going out of my mind with pain. Had nitemares all nite as cylons from Battlestar Galactica chased me. I wish to God that I could watch that show when I felt emotionally well, which is to say, when I could feel emotions. For it is a dark, grittily realistic show with little comic relief (which I always appreciate), and I am starting to get a feel for where it is going, and I need to be emotionally healthy to navigate those waters. I long for the days when I didn't know what I know, but my destiny demands I learn this stuff. I could learn a lot better if I felt like a human being (maybe that is the point--maybe the Nazis want me to be an emotionaless, dispassionate cyborg--it sure ain't what the fullness of humanity is about...)

I just need to feel. Period. To have energy, joy, zest for life. I need this goddamned lithium out of my body, and all these goddamned drugs out of me. Period.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

My ship is taking on water

My ship is taking on water, and it is time to abandon ship. Mayday alert for any allied vessels out there.

I am in crippling headache pain as I write this, and know that my time flying the free Pirate flag is coming to an end. The Nazis/KaBalists have place brain implants in me that are unbearably painful, and which I know will kill me soon, if I do not abandon ship. For I will never sell out to their agenda, and the agonizing pain will lead to a slow, agonizing death. I got a taste of it last night. I started having the same brain/body electrical rushes that always keep me awake at night, but this time they were accompanied by the most godawful headache I have experienced in a while. My brain literally felt like it wanted to explode. Of course, they hacked my dreams last night, but I know those by now. However, the pain is unbearable, and I must seek relief or I will die. I can no longer take the beating--the body can no longer tolerate it. So it is time to go. I pray to God to grant success to my endeavors, for I am surrounded by EVIL enemies on all sides. The Anon Ra people were literally having a loud social time last night. They wanted to make sure that I could hear the female voices. What dumb fucks--to think that I am reassured by the sound of female satanist voices, as opposed to male ones. Just ask Casey Anthony...

Still, I have to be careful, for the enemy will try to trick me. Normally, I would be confident in my own discernment, but I am in such crippling headache pain, that all my senses are shut down, including my psychic ones. So, I suppose that I will be moving slow, and testing the waters before jumping in.

I hate to leave my house a mess, but I am too sick to clean it. I am too sick to watch dvds or read a book, so those loose ends are going to be untied as well. I will try to do my laundry--I think I have enough for a clean outfit. The hard part for me in getting started, will be taking a shower-- which for most people is routine, but for me, it involves the most arduous of effort. I also need to pick up my meds--I am out of pain meds, and I desperately need them.

The weather is turning, and I had hoped to make a pot of chili, but while everything is ready, I honestly don't think that I can stand another night with those implants and electrical impulses going full bore. I know that once again, they are trying to get me to orgasm into the machine, because my vagina is once again becoming dripping wet at night (for the last two or three days). I am suffering shooting, burning pain inside my vagina, and I am not sure why (I am too sick to talk to my body, and my freakishly shortened arms, literally can't reach there to investigate for myself). Is it some implant to help them facilitate sexual response to the MACHINE, or is it just some sexual torment, at which the goddamned Nazis excel.

Speaking of sexual torment, I must once again speak on that Gardasil. I thought of writing an email to Michele Bachmann's site, praising her for her courage, but I don't think an email from me would do anything other than attract the wrong kind of attention--of which she has too much already. Ideologically speaking, I have practically nothing in common with the rep, but spiritually speaking, I cannot help but admire her courage and her staunch perseverance for what is right, despite a ton of bricks following on her from the Big-Pharma controlled media (just wathc the news--the commeercials are all of drugs--that is how the networks are making their money these days). Anyway, after watching Mr. Friendly, Jay Leno, give her a hard time, I started thinking on that damned vaccination, and I came to the conclusion that its ulterior motive is even more insidious than that of all vaccinations--the neurological damage/possible autism caused by the release of a host of computer viral bugs introduced into the human biology--the purpose of which--you guessed it--is to facilitate subjugation of the human free will to the MACHINE. ng of No, I think it goes beyond that. I think the original KaBal came up with the idea of vaccinations, but that this new vaccination has a new agenda similar to one of the original agendas--the identification of DNA markers and human female tagging.

This concept was actually introduced by the X-files, though I have read of it in a couple of places on the web. The vaccines actually have a computer chip that can read and transmit DNA information to a master computer. For whatever reason, this later KaBal move wants to "up the ante" (maybe they aren't privy to the data transmitted by measles and mumps vaccines). I think they are trying to force all female children to have this vaccine, because they literally are looking for DNA information, on which females they want to use as egg donors to make a new race of Master Aryan Nazis, and which ones will be used to make slave drones. I do need to point out how dehumanizing and spiritually enslaving such a use of female reproductive capacities would be. I most certainly do not want, not even one girl or woman, to go through what I have been through, and continue to suffer. Rep. Bachmann probably has no idea of how insidiously evil this forced vaccination is; she just doesn't like government interfering in our lives--but if just enough people stood up for what they know is right, the canopy of lies which dominates our existence, will start to unravel and be revealed. If I wish to be of any further use in the fight, I have to get off my ship, for it is sinking, and the waters that surround me are hostile, freezing cold and full of sharks.

Monday, September 19, 2011

I am in agonizing pain

I am in agonizing pain and nausea, as I realize more physical implants have been put in my brain and behind my eyes. It makes it impossible to focus or concentratate on anything. I know there is no amount of painkiller in the world that is going to stop this pain. At some point, I have to make a decision to save myself, because these Nazis are going to kill me, or mutilate me to the point that I look like the freak, Keith Ablow. By the way, Ablow is a Nazi (amazing--he co-wrote a book with Glenn Beck--who, by the way is not a Nazi, just very ideologically misled by the Faction 2 crowd). Don't just take my word about Ablow without seeing the proof for yourself. Check out his web site, and look at his cold eyes. His eyes and alienated demeanor totally belie the charming smile on his face. Is this the man who is responsible for torturing me? I don't know. But one thing is for sure--if I don't want to end up like him, I have to quit waiting for lightning to strike. Lightning is striking every night while I sleep, leaving me increasingly mutilated and debilitated.

I am in agonizing pain

I am in agonizing pain and nausea, as I realize more physical implants have been put in my brain and behind my eyes. It makes it impossible to focus or concentratate on anything. I know there is no amount of painkiller in the world that is going to stop this pain. At some point, I have to make a decision to save myself, because these Nazis are going to kill me, or mutilate me to the point that I look like the freak, Keith Ablow. By the way, Ablow is a Nazi (amazing--he co-wrote a book with Glenn Beck--who, by the way is not a Nazi, just very ideologically misled by the Faction 2 crowd). Don't just take my word about Ablow without seeing the proof for yourself. Check out his web site, and look at his cold eyes. His eyes and alienated demeanor totally belie the charming smile on his face. Is this the man who is responsible for torturing me? I don't know. But one thing is for sure--if I don't want to end up like him, I have to quit waiting for lightning to strike. Lightning is striking every night while I sleep, leaving me increasingly mutilated and debilitated.

Someone shaved my legs

Someone shaved my legs during one of my abductions. No doubt it was the Red (dog) Sirians, who are completely allied with these Jesuit Illuminati scum who are completely plugged into the MACHINE. The mother fuckers just don't get it. I am completely miserable in this fucked up body that they destroyed. I cannot even begin to describe how miserable I am in arms that don't lay or move right, cow boobs that bump into the grocery cart, because I have been so chopped off, soft, flaccid, fluid-filled skin. The goddamned motherfuckers (and I have to put the Catholics in there with them) never understood me at all, what made me feel good, what motivated me, what made me proud to be a woman. Instead, in their fucking assinine stupidity, they took out what I loved most about myself, and have left me a mutilated wreck of larded flesh, who cannot even hold my own head up (because they have cut out the neck and shoulder muscles), I have no energy from all the nerves and muscle they cut from my male energy center in my sacrum, and I loathe the feel of my entire body--especially the goddamned Nazi boobs they have given me.

I have to vent my spleen for two reasons. One--I saw a medical doctor on the O'Reilly factor inveigh against transgendered identities and peoples. Now, I usually don't take a differing opinion in the spirit of debate, personally, but as fucking shitty as I feel with what the goddamned fucking Jesuit pigs have done to me, I cannot wait until I feel like a human being again--and it is clear to me, that will only happen as a transgendered man (I was going to say, "male" but the truth is I already am a male and have been my entire life). What really burned me about the good doctor though, is THAT HE IS MORE OF A FREAK THAN I AM!!! Goddamn it--he is completely plugged into the MACHINE, with the telltale high ears and, large cranium, and worse of all, you can see the longhorn implants right above his eyebrows!!! I checked the guy out on the web, and like so many Illuminati/Jesuit/MACHINE RA brethren scum, he is highly successful AND HE IS FULL OF MACHINE RA SHIT!!! For all I know, that sick prick is the one who shaved my legs during an astral abduction. Well FUCK YOU ABLOW, and YOU GO CHAZ BONO!


The second reason I am so pissed off is because I read a channelling that I think came from the hands of the Jesuits. It is called the Chanti Project, and like most disinformation, there is a lot of truth in it. What gave away the Jesuits, was the (oh, this is too funny), simultaneous two track nature of the channelled transmission--it downloaded in both illiterate, childish English and perfect Latin!! Maybe Dr. Ablow helped with that mishmash, too. However, while I recognized a lot of info that I already knew, one detail caught my breath (actually two). The first was that the people of India and Korea were going to suffer terribly from some kind of plague sickness. Now, understand that I have no warning alerts going off, and maybe this scenario has already been avoided with the help of our alien friends (because a few months back, Korean pregnant women were suffering from a mysterious ailment, but nothing endemic ever developed). However, I am furious and emotionally disgusted beyond belief that some power would infect entire populations and nations with a deadly disease to serve their self interest. I am not trying to inflame, only alert. Believe me, I am on full intuitive alert, and if even the tiniest dream fragment comes through, I will blast out from the top of my lungs.

The second detail mentioned a sickness that comes from petroleum oil. I think we already are suffering from it. I do believe that becoming a petroleum based world was a successfully realized conspiracy, way back in the days when Tesla and "free energy" was murdered. As the X-files relates, the Black Oil carries the alien virus that causes the victim to shape shift into reptilian form and/or open them to demonic possession by evil reptiles. Again, we may have found a way to circumvent that, but the carbon emissions from petroleum is literally poisoning our planet, and making us sick (in 3rd world cities, the exhaust fumes are overwhelming).

So forgive me if I am angry, but I suffer at the hands of these evil KaBalists, and so does billions of individuals. Then on top of that, they earn fat cat living on the popular culture circuit (Ablow) or in think tanks (apparently the Chanti project came from RAND or a high clearance intelligence outfit.) As for me, once again, I am dripping wet with vaginal secretions, so I guess they will try to fry my brain again tonight with their Machine. My head is so heavy and I am so sick that I really can't read or research much, but there is always Monday night football or DVD's.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Soon, it will be time for a change

Soon, it will be time for a change. I have been holding out, because, well, for the longest time I had no alternatives. However, now that I understand my future possibilities and choices (it would have been a hell of a lot easier if I had been offered a red or blue pill, or some hot chick with a white rabbit tattoo gave me the come hither), so now the burden of proactive choice definitely swings to me. There is not much more that I can do. Surely, all of my enemies realize by now that I am not going to swing their way.

Yet they continue to chop me up. I am now in constant and agonizing back and shoulder pain, because my whole torso is so unnaturally aligned and "sawed-off". I was in too much pain to ride a bike today--the cervical spine and shoulders cannot stand the tension, and even now after less than an hour sitting at the computer, I am suffering with that same muscular tension. It is not bearable to be in my body, but I tell myself not to fight it--that is how the Nazis and/or Machine can hack into your mind--when you disassociate from your own body.

I stay on high alert, wondering what the Libyan confrontation with French/Brits (Faction 2) was about, and very worried about the earthquake that just happened in India. Almost certainly, my guess is that the Nazis of Faction 2 are involved, using HAARP, or some other earthquake technology to stir tensions and provoke the possibility of war between Pakistan and India. The upcoming week is going to be very interesting. Maybe the human sacrifices of the past week were not propitiating sacrifices for a terrorist attack on American soil, so much as getting ready to set off a bloody Mideast/Asian war, that the KaBal hopes to blow up into global carnage.

I am waiting for one last final piece to fall in place. Also, I want to leave everything tidy--all my library books read and returned, all my videos and dvds watched (and reviewed again, for the purpose of knowledge and understanding). However, I know that I cannot keep functioning with my body all chopped up like this. I am barely able to walk, and I imagine that things are going to get worse before they get better. Pain, however, makes one very humble to reality, and I just am waiting for the go ahead. No need to push, to ask God or go on a vision quest. I will know when it is time. In the meantime, I have to function as best I can, and pray that I am not abducted by evil.

The respite is over.

The respite is over. As I read of the "coincidentally timed" deaths of both a Mondale and Kennedy daughter--Eleanor Poling and Kara Kennedy, the death of former Senator Charles Percy (high occult family), and the two air show fatalities, I recognized that all of these incidents were high profile sacrificial offerings to the satanic gods that the KaBal worships. Yesterday, the history channel ran all 10 hours of their esteemed WWII documentary, which I dipped into occasionally, as I channel surfed, but which even I, Ms. Intensity, could only watch in bits and pieces. The series was a rerun for me, but the first time I watched it, I viewed an hour or two at a time, for the amount and extent of the suffering preserved on historical celluloid is overwhelming, and even in small doses, my heart was wrenched in empathetic sorrow. WWII was the KaBal's crowning achievement of the last century, and those demonic occult forces which were ultimately behind it (and they include reptiles, greys, and negative Sirians), gleefully exceeded their own expectations in the vast destruction and misery that they wrought. Now, I think that they are looking for yet another cataclysm--WWIII--with which to climax the destruction of the planet's 3D existence. Remember, these occult human power brokers who manipulate our socio-political reality, are spiritually possessed by demons. These same demons know that their dominating reign on planet Earth is nearing an end, and that they will need to find a new home in the cosmos, but before they go, they want to see suffering and destruction on a scale that surpasses even WWII.

So what do I think these sacrifices, both willing (Percy) and unwilling, portend? Well, I have no intuitive certitude, both rationally speaking, the upcoming week is fraught with peril, pitfalls, and potential opportunity for the KaBalists. The UN is meeting, and the Palestinians will be seeking statehood status from the UN, which will be met with a US veto. My guess is that terrorists (nukes? biological bombs?) stand ready to unleash a devastating terrorist attack in "response" to the veto. It might be in the US, it might be in Europe, it might be in Israel, but what the KaBalists are hoping to provoke is a ubiquitous response of outrage and military reaction--the prelude to WWWIII.

At this point, I do not have any specific idea of concrete details, except to note that I worry about the numerologically significant date of September 29th, and Yom Kippur, the holiest day in the Jewish calendar, follows in the first week of October.
I also think that the Saudis bear watching--not just the royal family, but also the families who fund the terrorists. You see, while I have no data or intuition in particular to point to the Saudi elite, rationally, I know that their world, as they know and love it, is falling apart. They are looking at losing their preeminent position in the Arab/Muslim world, and the "Arab Spring" terrifies them. Because of their corruption and rigid fundamentalism, they cannot imagine or bear the thought of change. They are horrified by concepts like democracy or women's acceptance into the public sphere. People/leaders who are afraid, and feel that they have nothing to lose are dangers.

However, I cannot emphasize enough, that I think danger lies all around, in a multitude of places and peoples, in this upcoming UN session. I will be praying for my leaders, as the diplomatic challenges and dangers accompanying this Palestinian play (and yes, you know who is behind it--the same Nazi Faction 2, which still hopes to destroy this country) will be unrelentingly thick and furious. I hope our diplomats and leaders are prepared for the worst case scenarios--double crosses and betrayals, unplanned terrorist attacks, and (God, when will someone shut up that twit), more Wickileaks (Faction 2/CIA operation) disclosures that will damage prospects for peace and stability.

As for me, I am in really bad shape. I am in constant pain, and walk around with "brain tumor syndrome" (too much fluid on the brain). However, even if I spend most of my time on a heating pad or watching TV, I will be high alert for this upcoming week. I hope the Patriot Leadership Team is on high alert as well, for the KaBal is planning something so huge that they needed to offer multiple sacrifices in propitiation. I sure hope that the memory of the innocent victims (like I said, I think Percy, like Zecharia Sitchin before him, was a willing sacrifice), is not obscenely smirched by a successful KaBal attack.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

The negative Sirians are amping up the viral download

The negative Sirians are amping up the viral download yet again. I am thankful that at least I got in a little bike ride today, but the estrogen load is so heavy that I have no energy, just want to sleep, and literally am bumping into walls. I can no longer hold my head up, when the viral download hits, because they have cut so much of my neck muscles. Fortuanatley, I can sit in my massage chair and let it support my neck and back whil e I watch tv, which is all i have been able to do all day. hoever, the downlead has increased so much that once again i am exhibiting signs of psychosis and cannot watch moving images on tv, or even keep my eyes open. there is no way i can live in this body. no way i want to live in this body. need to go to bed. lay down;

Friday, September 16, 2011

It seems as though events are finally starting

It seems as though events are finally starting to swing solidly in favor of the good guys--and yet so very few people are aware of what is happening. Even me. I could spend hours trying to decipher things, but as long as the good guys are in charge, I trust the process. There are too many other issues and stories that I need to follow, and I let my intuitive gut lead me to where I put my energies. Mostly I put my energies in trying to figure out what the bad guys are doing and planning, and so it feels good to have a little respite, when evil seems subdued and the good guys are ascending.

Of course, if I were healthy, I would have a much greater window of time in which to pursue ideas and plans. For, I continue to spend most of the day sleeping. I literally feel sick, with my lymph nodes tender and my throat sore from all the post nasal drip. I know that I cannot live the rest of my life with my body like this. I suppose once I am interdimensional travelling, a rebuilding and resoration of my body can begin. However, my dreams are telling me that I still have a real stumbling block that impedes progress. I try to figure it out, but it is hard when I am so drugged I can barely function. As I write this late at night, I realize that I must be on some psychotropic--such somnolence that I am experiencing and have experienced all day is not normal. Oh well, maybe I will find it easier to sleep.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Not only am I autistic,

Not only am I autistic, I am catatonic, and find it difficult to move my body at all. Neck and head are so stiff that I cannot move them. I know that I am coming across as "rain man", but I feel too shitty to even care. I had to ask help to get items from the store to my truck, as I was too weak to even carry my own bags. Dry goods still are strewn across my kitchen floor. Being a cripple fucking sucks. The thought of having to be weak and dependent, not to mention so fucking sick, I'd rather cut my own veins than lie and smile to all the people who love me this way, is totally abhorrent. Some people genuinely want to help, and I appreciate it, but I would appreciate it more if I knew that my disability was a short term affair, and not potential;y lifelong. Then, there are the people who think I am mentally retarded. People still can't tell the difference between autistic and mentally retarded. I am feeling that keenly because of the recent flap over Bachman's recent statements confronting Rick Perry on government forced (!) Gardasil vaccinations. Nneedless to say, I don't believe that vaccination serves any purpose to anyone except sex workers and Merck. Furthermore, like all vaccinations, it runs the risk of causing an autistic response in the vaccinated child. It sure as hell ain't worth the risk. Anyway, Bachman was approached by a woman who told her, that the vaccination made her daughter, "mentally retarded". Poor kid, poor woman--but the real diagnosis should be autism. In the long run, it doesn't matter. A woman laughed at me, thinking I am mentally retarded. I suppose to her, I am.

Of course, I can tell when I am severely autistic. I know that I am not in reality. There is no way that I could drive on a regular basis with this condition, and any kind of social relations, even the most casual, would be almost insurmountably difficult. As for right now, it hurts too much to hold up head. I need to lay down.

The body is getting weaker and weaker

The body is getting weaker and weaker the more cutting that the aliens do. There is no doubt in my mind that soon I will be completely disabled. Even now, I can barely walk, stand, or even sit. So much of my rib cage and back musculature is gone that I do not have the requisite strength to hold myself up. For that matter, I don't have enough neck muscle strength to hold my head up. I woke up, severely asthmatic, because my spinal vertebra is so tender from the spasmed muscles caused by lack of support. The entire back is weak and unsupported. I can cry and vent all I want to about human rights and the way God made me, ect, but being realistic, I have to face the fact that I am being forced into accepting either one of two radical life changes--handicapped cripple, or not only a gender change (which would not be that difficult), but also a repudiation of my racial heritage for that of a Black person.

I really like the way I look and am proud of my heritage, so the acceptance of the latter is definitely a challenge. It is not the change of the color of the skin that bothers me, even though I really do prefer the Hispanic color of my skin; rather it is the cultural differences that I find difficult to embrace.

Still, since I spilled the beans about my awareness of the two options (I have known it for weeks now), the aliens are accelerating the changes to my body to force myself to choose one option or the other--either I identify with being a physical cripple, or enter a culture where the males stew in adolescent victimhood, and become lifelong psychological cripples, never entering or owning their own manhood, because the ego abasement that is requisite for the formation of a healthy manhood is rejected as "racism".

It is true that my own male psyche is crippled, but legitimately so. Yes, I had and still have a strong masculine temperament, with the requisite high ego and natural sense of authority and dominance. However, because I inhabit a female body, patriarchal culture has pounded out those innate tendencies of mine. Starting as a child, I had to learn how to work within the limitations of my socio-cultural status as a female. To my credit, I developed both an acceptable feminine personality AND an inner strong sense of manhood. The former is compassionate, socially and culturally responsive, while the latter provides the driving expectations of excellence, a spiritually imposed self-discipline--which manifests itself outwardly as "authority", a high standard of behavior based on values, and NO EXCUSES ALLOWED to obscure my own sense of self responsibility for my choices.

So even now, while recognizing that no matter how "unfair" it is that my body and person is being so abused and violated, and that yet again, I am being abused as a "female" by a patriarchal society which declares ownership over the feminine body, my male voice says, "that is the way it is--what can I do about it?" I have suffered and endured the most difficult and relentless of ego abasement for over a dozen years, what with incarceration, joblessness, total loss of privacy, enforced social isolation, while currently facing an increasingly handicapped body. Still, I am facing an even greater and more radical loss of self-identity--whichever way I choose. However, my sense of manhood insists that I truly affirm and creatively live out whatever choice I make. Yes, the two choices are imposed upon me, without my consent. I can rail against God, aliens or fate, but it is a fact that many people, both men and women, must affirm and live out the sometimes hateful choices and negative karma that falls to their lot. I can be, and am, grateful, that at least, I am blessed with the psychological and mental resources to accept either choice without spiritual death.

Intellectually, the choice is clear to me; however, it is accepting the choice emotionally that is the difficult part for me. However, I MUST work on it--the way I am being cut up, I do not have much longer before I will be confined to a wheelchair.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

I remembered my dream from last night.

I remembered my dream from last night. The dog or red Sirians are completely captivated by MACHINE-RA, and they are attempting to ensure my slavery to the MACHINE virtual reality hell. I realize that, once again, they use images I trust, to try to snare me. Last night, they seemed to be acknowledging and stoking lesbian fantasies, using the positive memories of Colleen as an image to hook me. Again, the image may fool me, but I know reality from a fake, and last night was a big fake. The aftermath was no fake however. I have suffered all day from the fallout (literally) of all the heavy metals in my autistic brain last night (maybe that is why I suffer so much--no matter what--acupuncture or sulfur be damned--my brain cannot excrete heavy metals, and the accretion of the metals cause extreme muscle agony and neuron death from toxic excitation. However, I know the dog Sirians--they are not free to regard me as a human or acknowledge my spiritual free will. They are under orders from the MACHINE to enslave me, and they will try again and again and again.

I don't know how i can hold. I started laughing hysterically today--too much heavy metal in my brain, I think, and my muscles are so locked, i can barely move. I'm in a lot of pain even now. Not only that, they cut on my shoulders again, and I cannot move arms without pain, or sexual arousal from bumping into my own unsupported breast that spill out over a cut, mutilated torso. Still, I will not give in to MACHINE-RA. I have to hold on. God help me. I cannot endure another night like last night. . Need to lay down, rib cage hurts.

I spent another night wracked in pain

I spent another night wracked in pain, as once again, stupid me, I took supplements and some vodka shots--all of which had been tainted by the dog Sirian/Agent Smith shape shifters. It all started out so hopefully. I had tried getting some OTC sulfur, and when I looked at the handout detailing all the benefits--blood sugar regulation(it helps in the creation of insulin), nail strengthening (my nails are so soft they just tear away), metabolism of protein and vitamins (I always ravenous for protein and deficient in vitamins despite my healthy eating)--I got excited. As soon as I popped a couple of tabs (1480 mg) however, I knew that they had been tainted, and the viral download was in full progress. Still, despite the autistic suffering caused by the virus, I was surprised, because somehow, I DID feel better.

However, a few hours later, the chit really hit the fan. About 7:30 a massive viral download began, and almost immediately, I was in severe physical and mental distress. My muscles were so spasmed that I found it difficult to breathe, and I was worried that I was going to have a stroke. My back muscles were in such agony that I could barely walk, except by hunching over like a ancient old lady. That was at the beginning of the pain. An hour later, it was excucricating agony just to move the body along, a few shuffled inches at a time. My legs were pracically paralyzed. Of course, it was the dog Sirians/Jesuits behind this massive downloads. All night lightning was lighting up my darkened bedroom. I guess I can figure out how I became crippled in another timeline--the fucking dog Sirians literally fried out all my nerves and muscles with a viral download.
Kundalini energy is a very potent and dangerous force. It has literally caused back damage in more than one practicioner. My body is resisting the Kundalini energy for a reason--my autistic brain cannot stand the jolt, and the brain is trying desperately to protect itself by sacrificing the body. For the level of pain and agony I experienced last night reminded me of the screaming agony I suffered after undergoing acupuncture treatment. Yes, the acupuncture worked, and it opened my meridians, and I was feeling great, vital and physically responsive in an almost forgotten way. Then the virus hit, flowing through all the opened meridians, that my body had instinctively closed down to try to protect itself, and I nearly went out of my mind with pain and spasms. The sulfur is like the acupuncture--yes, it restores my body to a level of health I rarely experience, but it also opens the door for the virus to race down the bodily pathways to the brain WHICH CANNOT HANDLE THE VIRAL DOWNLOAD/KUNDALINI ENERGY because of an autistic brain stem and an excessive level of glial cells, also caused by autism. No amount of drugs is going to change my autistic brain structure. No amount of cranial manipulation is going to change my autistic brain structure. These dog Sirians/Jesuits don't care. They think if I end up in a wheelchair, I am going to become some kind of deeply loving, highly compassionate saint. BULLSHIT, FUCK THAT MOTHERFUCKERS. From my wheelchair, I will fight you and your goddamned sickass, warped religionist, mind-controlled patriarchal lies with everything at my disposal. One way or another, I will fulfill my destiny, and guess what? It has nothing to do with supporting your vision of reality, or being crippled for the rest of my life. I will figure out how to heal and save myself, just as I have done my entire life. I've already experienced your vision of me AND I DESPISE IT AND REJECT IT WITH EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING.

As for today, there is nothing much I can do. I think they put another implant in my stomach which is causing the brain/body rushes which drive me crazy. Last night in my desperation to knock out, to escape the pain, I ended up taking 4 Tylenol PM, a vicodin, a fiornal, and about 4 shots of vodka, which instead of providing the needed knock out punch, had me climbing walls. Stupid me--even the goddamned voka was tampered with. You stupid fucks, I don't drink recreationally. I drink because I am desperate to knock out, and instead you just use it to torture me further. Well I just took a detox pill (Chorella) that I bought yesterday. I think that is okay--my body is so spasmed and locked that I can barely sit unsupported, and my brain is fucked with virus, but I am going to go watch some vids in a minute, forcing myself away from the bed and heating pad on which I have lain all morning long.

I cannot handle another night like last night.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Strange nights and stranger days

Strange nights and stranger days...

Last night I had such an active dream, that I woke up feeling as though I had not gone to sleep at all. After writing about my complete repudiation of Arthur Clark's/the Freemason vision of the future, I dreamed that I was fighting a HUGE, mean python, who kept trying to bite me. I knew that I could not wrestle the snake into captivity by myself, but though a group of men (er, males) were standing there watching me, not one had the manhood to intervene and help me--even though clearly this snake was a demonic being which was their enemy as much as mine. However, as I have experienced so often in the past, when there are no men around to help, one can usually find a woman with the ballsy courage and urgent understanding of what needs to be done, to show up and help me. So it was last night. I don't know who was the woman who helped me last night. I don't know if it was a human woman or an alien woman, but whoever it was, I owe you a profound debt of gratitude for I could not have subdued that demonic snake by myself. In my dream, I was trying to capture it into a plastic grocery bag, but I knew that was too flimsy, so the woman showed up with an old-style flour sack made of cloth. In the dream, we were successful, though I wondered how such a huge, writhing, biting snake could fit into such a small flour sack. That snake symbolizes the reptilian demons that have made a pact with MACHINE RA and its devotees to divvy up the human race--some for the Borg, some to be used as psychic and physical food for reptiles. To the males who stood by and did nothing, you owe a debt of thanks to that women, too--for undoubtedly if those reptilian demons are successful, you will be marked for consumption.

The dream didn't end there, though the rest of the dream is fuzzy. I remember it as something that the snake was found in a parked car that belonged to me, but had been sitting on the street for a long time, while I literally could not access it, but had to walk everywhere on foot. The males who did nothing to help fight the python, wanted to slam the car with heavy fines. I told them that was not fair, because I have been prevented from accessing the car and therefore could not monitor it, or drive it anywhere. To me, that part of the dream signifies that circumstances and oppression by negative aliens have effectively cut me off from an active ego (the car is the symbol of the ego). Instead, I am handicapped (having to walk), oftentimes barely able to even function, while I go about my salvation, and work for the salvation of humanity, WITH NO ASSISTANCE AT ALL. I am not complaining. I am used to flying solo, and having to do what needs to be done all by myself, but don't penalize me for a menace that attains lethal size and power, because I am so hobbled and sickened by all the drugs and adverse, draining circumstances, that I cannot do proper maintenance on my own psyche and ego (car).

I defy anyone to withstand even a 1/3 of the drugs, mutilation, isolation, and manipulated, circumscribed life circumstances that I have to endure without going insane or flipping to the evil side. Honestly, I don't think that anyone else could do it. Anyway, no sooner do I slay one dragon than another one rears its ugly head. I am missing time today--about an hour, I think. When I came home from my bike ride, I took a teaspoon of the creatine supplement that I had bought at the store where I get my testosterone tablets. Of course, I have always known the T-tabs I buy are adulterated with psychotropic poison. Since my last transaction, I am now CERTAIN that it is staffed by the "dog" Sirians and humans who are Ammon-RA devotees. However, the need for testosterone supplementation is so strong sometimes, that I must take the tabs, though they have the negative side effects of an electro-magnetic blast that handicaps and sickens me.

I think the creatine, which costs me over ten bucks (all the thousands of dollars I have wasted trying to save and protect myself from these dog Sirians....) was laced with a powerful psychotropic, and while sitting on my stoop, I lost consciousness--and time--for an hour or so of my life. Of course, I was stalked by the dog Sirians and their human allies on the bike ride, but that is status quo, so much so that I do my best to completely ignore them and their stupid ass, mind control games. However, I was briefly caught off guard when I saw what I knew to be a Sirian alien, dressed up as a genial, bearded homeless man. Because I think it was an alien who helped me in my desperate fight last night (Salusa?), I was friendly to him, as I biked by. However, MY BAD, I ignored the most important clue that presented itself to me--the well-fed, handsome dog (Salusa is a cat-identified Sirian). Even more telling, I recognized that dog. That dog is the pet of a truly schizophrenic woman who often just hangs out at the same spot, by the bridge, every day. She and the dog are well-fed, because the passer-bys in cars recognize how ill the woman is, and often stop to give her food and money. Her dog is well mannered and patient, and I always say a prayer for whenever I see them.

Get it? It was the schizoid woman's dog...not only are these Sirians shape shifters, they are the Agent Smiths from "The Matrix". The dog Sirian, Agent Smith, had taken over the body of the schizoid woman. Wow...was I blown away--just another incredulity from "The Matrix" positively confirmed by my own personal experience. Of course, I had known that these dog Sirians were masquerading as my neighbors, but I thought that there was some complicating effort involved. Nope...they can take over and shape shift into a human body on a dime (maybe, it needs to be a weak minded or spiritually bankrupt person--don't know). There is no use in my trying to run from Agent Smith. Besides, they are trying to woo me, and lead me to plug into the MACHINE. You see, I may have vanquished a demonic reptile last night, but these dog Sirians still think that they can get me to plug into the MACHINE--be their Isis and live in virtual reality bliss with RA. Well, all you dogs and Amon-RA devotees out there, hear this loud and clear--NO FUCKING WAY!!!! I hate everything you have done to me, and my body and my brain, and I want no part of your brainwashing, mind programming agenda. I don't want to be in this mutilated, big-boobed body, I don't want to have this virus in me, I don't want to hang out with dog Sirians, and Amon-RA people give me the creeps, and most certainly, I do not want to be handicapped and confined to a wheelchair. However, even now, they are attempting to intimidate me by their sky presence. I have learned that their UFO's hide themselves with dark skies, thunder and lightning (they are the ones responsible for all the hurricanes and tornados--of course HAARP really helps them along). Well, I live in the desert so rain is always appreciated, but you dog Sirians and Agent Smiths need to go wherever the demon reptile did.

Apparently, these negative Sirians have two timelines of me--one as a physiclally handicapped female, and one as a Black man. What I want to know is if I am free to choose a third option? If not, I will do whatever needs to happen to save the planet Earth, and our humanity. I can guarantee you that the former option will not happen, and the latter option has major obstacles, because I will never compromise my commitment to the truth and a constantly overarching spiritual discipline to be a better human. However, no matter what, Arthur Clark's and the Freemason vision must not be allowed to happen.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Even my capacity for depression and intensity

Even my capacity for depression and intensity feels like it is reaching an intolerable threshold. Not only am I abducted and mutilated every night, so that my entire body is wracked with pain and weakness, feeling more and more alien to me with bigger and bigger boobs, but I have just finished a total downer of a novel. It was Arthur Clark's "Childhood End", and I read it after "Rendevouz with Rama". Oddly enough, I never read any of Arthur Clark's novels when I was a teenager, and those were years when I thought I had read every science fiction author of note, at least once. But never Arthur Clark. Even in my teenage years, I must have had a precocity of wisdom that the man as a deeply negative visionary (I thought the same about Robert Heinlein, but at least I read "Stranger in a Strange Land"). Of course, as an adult I now know that Arthur Clark was very involved with high level freemasonry and occult activities, and that connection was the source of so much of his creative ideas. I have already spoke/written about "2001: A Space Odyssey", and its impact on the occult plans for the Europa and Jupiter. "Rama" was not such a bad book, and it was noticeable for the "biot" lifeforms that it introduced--organic, non-sentient MACHINE life forms, as are so many of the Grays. However, the narrative and ending of "Childhoods End" is just horrible, and all the more disheartening, because clearly that is the way that the occult sees humanity's future.

It is not the way I see humanity's future, and I find Clark's vision something to be resisted with full force. Clark tells of a future monumental shift in human evolution, which is preceded by alien visitation and overt guardianship of the planet. His story focuses on lives of the "Greggson" family. I found that interesting, because as a high ranking member of British freemasonry, I hoped to get a clue of what is so important to the occultists about the Gregory family line. I have figured out that it translates to watchers, and that all variants of the Gregor name carry high levels of reptilian DNA, but Clark took it a revealing step further--the Greggson family bears children which are the the first "humans" to make the evolutionary breakthrough which turns them from Homo Sapiens to an autistic collective hive of powerful paranormal and telepathic powers--a combination of the demonically possessed and the Borg (told you that his vision was frightening). Of course, Clark doesn't flesh out his vision that way--he is very vague about the characteristics of the "breakthrough" humans, but I recognize what the "Homo Novum Ordo" are all about. Yes, it takes a while, but eventually humanity is all extinguished from Earth.

Well, at least I learned a little more about why the occult is so zeroed in on me. They think I am the "breakthrough human", and their weenie, enslaved spirits is all excited to have someone lead them to their hellacious "promise land" of collective, spiritual and psychological enslavement to the MACHINE. I don't care if the MACHINE SLAVER is called Tabor or Amon RA, I will not acknowledge its authority over humans. Human beings are INDIVIDUALS, with PERSONALITIES and AMBITIONS created and informed by FREE WILL, and SELF-REGULATED DISCIPLINE. Even if they are telepathic in the future, with paranormal abilities (and that part I will concede), they may be more tightly knit as a human community, but they will still be INDIVIDUALS who have PERSONALITIES AND AMBITIONS, created and informed by FREE WILL, and SELF-REGULATED DISCIPLINE.

The powerful alien beings who come to shepherd Earth during this transition period, are not free of this "Overmind" themselves. As a matter of fact (just as Christian tradition has always held about Satan and his fallen angels), they admit to "envying" humans, for they are not as free of the Overmind as the original (non autistic) humans are. They also are infertile, and hope that by helping to "midwife" (their term" humans into the new "Breakthrough", that it will aid their own evolution. This all sounds familiar to me, as I have read so much of it, in channelings, and even experienced it in my abductions and medical experimentation. Is there hope, I mean real hope, for these Sirian aliens to escape both the clutches of reptilians and the MACHINE (is there really any Sirian that wants to?). I think the answer to both is yes, but I am not in a position where I can see clearly. There does seem to be one alien who has abducted me who I think genuinely cares about humanity--Salusa. At least, I think he has tried on more than one occasion to protect me from the MACHINE-identified aliens. However, I am abducted so often by negative aliens (which again happened last night), that it is difficult for me to trust anyone or anything, but I trust the future. For I see a much brighter and more HUMANistic future for our people than does Arthur Clark.

However, there is yet another negative dimension of the future which Arthur Clark foretells, and while I despise his interpretation, I have to respect it, because I know that as a high ranking occultist, he has been privy to information from alternative timelines. In the novel, there is a smart Black man, who learns the secret of the Overlords (the "midwife" aliens) home, and decides to defy their decree that "the stars are not for humans". So he comes up with a brilliant plan to stowaway on their spaceship back home, and is treated as a guest for a few months before his return to Earth. Because of the laws of Space/Time travel, 80 years has passed when he returns to Earth--a fate that he knew and accepted before embarking. However, he did not plan on returning to an Earth that is completely uncivilized, as the remaining humans are locked into some kind of autistic trance, and all that he can do is observe hopelessly as the "Evolutionary Breakthrough" crescendos, and correspondingly it causes the sun to go dim. The Overlords, who are monitoring Jan's final transmissions realize that the planet Earth is dying. Now, of course Clarke sees this death throe as a new kind of life, but I see it as not only a physical death for the planet and human civilization, but also as the most profound of spiritual enslavement and death.

So clearly Clarke has had access to occult knowledge that tells him that someone of the Gregor clan (of the "watcher" lineage) will have the "evolutionary breakthrough", and a Black man will discover the secret to travel to the stars which the aliens forbid, but it won't matter. All of his knowledge will be for naught as Earth, and then the sun, goes dark and dies.

I will not accept such a future. As a matter of fact, I don't see that as humanity's future at all. The future of humanity as I see it, mostly comes from the Pleiaden channeling. In that future, humans ARE telepathic and highly spiritual, but they have individual and unique personalities as humans now do. I suspect that they are a mixed race of humans--with all genetic pools and heritages represented (which may be why the United States is so much in the forefront of the non-occult alien contact). While humans of the future may be autistic, it won't be such a handicap, for by extended family and educational formation, the children will still develop healthy and whole personalities. I do not think that the Black man (or clique--the Black psychics) learning the secret to star travel, and defying the prohibition on it, will be an ultimately useless endeavor.

However, there are obstacles to this positive future. I cannot figure out how to break free of this negative trap that I am in on my own, and the Black psychics who keep combing my mind looking for racism cannot abide what my own mind and spirit tells me. Actually Sidney Poitier said it much better than me in "Who's Coming To Dinner". In it, his father is trying to tell him to basically, "stay in your place" and don't marry a white girl. SP tells him, "I love and respect you and what you have gone through, but you see yourself as a COLORED man, and I see myself just as a MAN". Twenty years later, all that civil rights wisdom was totally gone, and once again, men of African descent no longer see themselves as MEN, but instead as BLACK men, and because of that they handicap and psychologically cripple their own selves, needing some kind of affirmative action handout to validate their MANhood, but being a man is not like being a human being--a given--it is EARNED, through development of character, and that comes, in the male psyche, from facing adversity, and overcoming it honestly.

I was disappointed watching football again, today. I don't know why I watch it--I knew that many of the games would be a "show" and not a real proving ground for MANhood, but I thought I would check it out. Having such low expectations, there was nothing that really angered me, but yet again, it was disappointing to see a promising young Black quarterback, handicapped and psychologically crippled by effusive and premature praise (not to mention all the wide open receivers that magically appeared). You see, as the Jungian psychologists, and people in the real world know, the psychological development of a strong male self entails the humbling of the insufferably arrogant and self-centered ego of the adolescent male. That is why most of the great quarterbacks in the league were drafted in late rounds. They have a burning desire to do the hard work necessary to prove themselves, because their ego has been completely humbled, and it does take a while to develop the skills of a top quarterback. What is happening with so many of these high talented Black athletes is that they are coming in with egos overinflated with expensive cars, hookers, cash gifts, and even a house. They sign multi-million dollar contracts and they are on top of the world, after being the big jock on campus. Then they get their starting position, and the media falls all over themselves to praise their "leadership, confidence, and poise". They are no longer treated as rookie quarterbacks, but as "Black" rookie quarterbacks, and this respect is not earned, but lavished, because of the color of their skin. Go back, over and over again, and listen to commentators over the years--this is what is happening, and I submit that it sets up a young athlete for failure. Don't treat them as a rookie Black quarterback--treat them just as a rookie quarterback, and I guarantee that leadership will follow, even if it comes slow and hard.

I once read an interview with an Olympic coach of soccer who had coached both men and women teams, and he talked about the difference between the genders. He said that young men are full of themselves, and find it very difficult to grasp a realistic appraisal of their performance. He said that no matter what, it is nearly impossible to knock down a young man's ego by detailing a poor performance or area that needs work. So he said that to get men to peak performance, he constantly had to focus on the negatives. Women, he said were the exact opposite--that no matter how well they performed, or how much praise he lavished on them, they always faulted themselves, and just saw the negatives in their performance. So with women, he kept up with the constant lavish praise. Now, having identified as a female in my formative years, I think I am much more feminine than masculine in my ego (although at this point in my life, I am completely self motivated--neither praise nor criticism handicaps or inspires me. I just do what needs to be done. In short, I am a MAN) However, having coached young men in sports, I recognize the wisdom in this coach's analysis, and again, I submit that treating a man like a woman because he is Black, is going to ultimately lead to either ego inflation or a crippling mind block of self-assumed inferiority. Treat a man like a man, and he will develop into one. Treat a man like a "Black" man, and he will always carry around a psychological complex, just as surely as "Colored" men carried around their inferiority in Jim Crow times.

Anyway, if the future of humanity is to be a positive one, two things need to happen: the "Ultimate Breakthrough" needs to happen on my part, and fruitful leadership and initiative on the horizontal plane needs to happen on the part of the Black men who have learned the secret of travelling to the stars. It may be there, but truthfully, I haven't seen it, though I am starting to catch glimmers of it. However, maybe the fault is mine--maybe I have to initiate and take the leadership, and my own crippled male psyche just wants to stay all alone in its little world where I am sovereign and don't have to put up with other people's shortcomings. If that is the case, I have to tell my inner self that A) I am not sovereign; and B) Every night I am enduring torture at the hands of people whose values I do not share at all.

No matter what, Arthur Clark's future cannot come to pass.