Very unhappy as the risperdol regimen continues. I do not know how to explain how sick I really am--how I can barely move or function, how much I miss the days when I was so physically active, intellectually inquisitive, and emotionally energetic. Now, it is all i can do to hold my body upright without support for an 1/2 hour or live with the constant headaches and severe autism. I literally am unable to have much of relationship with reealityh. i can recognize risperodol because of days in psych hospital. before they started drugging me, i was alert and interested in my fellow patients and groups. after the risperdol, became too hard to relate to reality and all i wanted to do was lay in bed and fantasize. pretty fucked up when fantasizing is preferred to reality. i can read books and watch tv. i just never feel weell. tomorrow i have to try to clean kitchen. too sick to cook, but cannot cook in dirty kitchen but am running out of even simple pans.
Still, i feel okay. I know the KaBal is giving me the risperdol, precisely because they know it makes me semi-psycotic (not in hallucinations or hearing voices, but in feeling overwhelmed by the detail of reality--more autism than psychosis, really), and they hope in that state to hook me into their position. they will fail, but it is no use telling them anything, because they do not care. they would be pleased as punch to have me stark raving mad, as long as i am their mouthpiece. I do not feel that I am going stark raving mad. i feel as if i am too sick to function well in reality. but i don't know about my unconscious life, so this is why i prefer to keep myself ignorant. i dont want to give anything away. i am aware the KaBal never lets up, and I am worried about some kind of plague coming, worried about elenin, ect, but i dont feel like there is anything imminent. if i did, i would immediately begin scouring the internet for clues. nothing unexamined.
No, I am going thru sheer, unmitigated hell and tremendous suffering right now, but I think the world is getting a little bit of a break. I hope others can enjoy what i cannot. However, clearly there is negative karma or deep anger that I still carry, that gives this KaBal power over me, and i cannot shake this suffering. i can only endure it. but I wont turn to the dark side, no matter how difficult or dark my days become. count on itttt.