Friday, September 2, 2011

Life is getting harder and harder,

Life is getting harder and harder, more and more restrictive. Geez, where do I start? How about the pregnancy thing? I think I am "pregnant" in some kind of fashion. It has to do with the "comet Elenin" that is supposed to approach in November. This entity, which is called a "comet" is emitting whale song, and no doubt is associated in some way the cetacean aliens who once contributed to the genetic diversity of human beings on this planet. There is not much information on this--I am drawing what little I know from a Star Trek movie and an old Sorcha Faal post. I think it is fair to say that these whales would have fostered a Lemurian lineage, and I wonder if there really are any sizable populations of these "whale-descended" humans left on Earth. I know that some aboriginal tribes affiliate with the whales, and wonder if the Merovingian line is an affiliate (but the the more I think on it the more I think that they are wanna be usurpers).

However, no matter what, this whale (guardian?) race is on their way to Earth, and no one knows how to communicate with them (by the way, be very careful looking at the old Sorcha material--those posts have been booby trapped with trojans--wonder why?). So, I am thinking that I have been "impregnated" with ancient whale DNA in an attempt to facilitate communication between myself and the arriving whale guardians. So am I pregnant with a human being--a hybrid of whale and human, or am I pregnant with a being that will abort once the mission is completed. I don't know--which is a HUGE part of my frustration. My body is used and violated in the most egregious and intimate of ways, yet my consent is never solicited. I just have to figure things out, after the fact, and by that time, my body and brain are completely messed up.

So, after the fact, I suspect that yes, once again, Salusa and his clique of Sirians have interfered with my body, and are "responsible" for the "pregnancy". At this point, I am inclined to identify Salusa and his clique as "good guys", something really hard to do, when he keeps impinging on my free will and body, in the most violating of actions. However, I do believe that Salusa has my best interests at heart, and is prevented from coming at me in a more direct and forthright manner-- to which, of course, I would be more responsive and clearly compliant. I must add, however, that this is a very contingent assessment, since I do not have all the information necessary for a complete and confident trust. It is very possible that Salusa's designs and wishes for me, may benefit him and his kind, more than me and mine. I currently rate Salusa at about 90% trustworthy--certainly enough to go with the flow, once I can recognize who and what is behind it.

Of course, since I am never dealt with honestly, that is the tricky part. Having been abused so much as a child, I do not take kindly to anyone making decisions regarding my body and my life, for me, without my direct and explicit input and consent. However, my life is such a jacked up mess of evil interference and betrayals that I cannot complain too much about the dubious manner in which a would be ally approaches me. A 90% ally is way better than the manner of mind control religionists/fascists and vampiric satanists that have horned their way into my life over the past dozen years.

So, assuming that the "pregnancy" is for my benefit, I still have difficulty accepting it. I already am in a position where I hate my body, specifically my female body, and most especially a FAT female body, and now, I am suffering from the effects of a pregnancy. I find it difficult to breathe, and my upper belly is expanding, when I already am so uncomfortable in my body that I cannot bear it. I am suffering from a lot of back pain and spasm--no doubt exacerbated by the "pregnancy", and medically, I am in no condition to have any kind of pregnancy. I sure hope this is not something I am to carry for 9 months, because I know I cannot bear such a condition. NO FUCKING WAY.

Not only that, there is no way that I would ever want to be pregnant. I have NEVER felt the need to either carry a child or birth one. Thank God, I am a lesbian, and don't have to worry about the possibility of child bearing, because NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, have I wanted a child. As a matter of fact, part of the tension that resulted in my split with Colleen was that she wanted us to adopt her nephew, and there was just no way that I wanted a little child in my life. I am glad and gratified that somewhere in the world that I have genetic offspring, but I know that I could never have been a mother to them. As a matter of fact, whenever people would ask me, "Don't you want to be a mom", I would shake my head matter-of-factly, and say, "No way, but being a Dad wouldn't be so bad". That has been my stock answer since I was in my 20's. Long before I was fully aware of my intersexed condition, I knew that I was more innately attuned to being a father, rather than a mother. As a matter of fact, as I think about this, there is no way that I could be pregnant, because I absolutely cannot see myself as a mother at all, and for all my altruism, I feel no connection or nurture,whatsoever, with this condition that makes me think I am pregnant. I don't know. I guess I can think on it some more, but that is where I stand right now.

As a matter of fact, I am quite convinced that I want completely out of this female body, period. Not only do I hate my body the way it is, I hate the way that estrogen makes me feel. I want to feel strong, alive, and vibrant--able to relate to others joyfully and creatively. Estrogen destroys all of that for me, making me severely autistic and sick. I do my best to be feminine, but it is such a fucking drag, and I am sick and tired of the game playing and expectations all the time.

However, having said that, any transgender change is a long way off in the future. When/what/how I do not know. Certainly, I don't foresee it happening any time soon, and not before the transit of comet Elenin. In the meantime, I have to be prepared to go through sheer hell, for the more negative KaBalists, whether the devotees of Amon Ra or the diehard Catholic fascists of the Jesuit/Opus Dei variety also realize that the time is short, and are pouring on the drugs and viral downloads. Again, I cannot be sure that they are the ones responsible for the psychotropics and amped up viral downloads, but I continue to see them in my life, and they don't seem to get the message that I despise the way that they see me. I have spent the previous week so sick that I can barely do anything. Even as I write this, I am so very sick that I am miserable. I have been here before. It is as if I am suffering from a brain tumor, and all the miserable hell that a congested, pressured, swollen brain entails.

There is absolutely nothing that gives me joy or happiness. Life is just one great, big never ending misery of suffering, that only sleep relieves--and yet every night, I go to sleep, I never know who will abduct me. My body suffers from constant and painful spasms, and I have a constant, sick migraine headache. What has changed is my once innate natural high energy. Getting up and doing anything is like struggling in molasses. Even writing this is difficult--my level of suffering is so high, I don't know how the fuck I am doing it. I have just dealt with this hell for so long, I guess, it is automatic pilot.

On top of everything else, I am suffering from guilt. I am concerned that unconsciously (in my sleep), I am untrustworthy and am selling out the good guys to the evil side. I especially worry that, unconsciously, I have hooked into Hillary Clinton, through a dedicated blog site, and have developed an unhealthy transference of "mother" to her. Since I have such ambivalent, and justifiably negative feelings towards my mother, this transference results in unconscious acts of hostility and betrayal against her. Consciously, this is not the case at all, and the whole reason that I have followed her so assiduously on the web is that it helps me to understand what is going on in the world. It takes a while to learn how to "read" someone, and I can probably develop this kind of imaginative relationship with most people. This is more common than people realize--we are bombarded by images that attempt to hook us emotionally, and even go further, to manipulate us. I have a very high level of conscious awareness of what I am doing in this imaginative transference process, but I have let my emotions get hooked, and relate to her, imaginatively (or deeply unconsciously), as mother, and I think I am venting my hostility towards my own mother onto her.

I will go further and state that I think that there is an abused, "split off" child in my deep psyche that wants revenge for not only the lack of power (and consequent abuse) that I endured as a child, but also for the humiliation of being treated as a female, when I know that I am a male. I have been socialized so well, that for years, I have accepted, and insisted upon living out this lie, but beneath the lie is the rage, and it is directed at "Mother".

I have no desire to force my unconscious issues on anyone, so I find myself limiting more and more any possible relationships. I considered taking a class that teaches psychic abilities, but I am so aware of my own negative energy that fills me right now (again--this is the estrogen; high testosterone gives me positive energy), that I demurred. I actually tried to call the teacher first, to see what kind of vibe I would pick up. I got a call back from a VERY NEGATIVE lady--whether Opus Dei or Amon RA, I don't know--but it confirmed my worst fears--that no matter where I go, very negative people will stalk me. I no longer am in the mood to cooperate with these negative people, and I no longer have the energy to pull up a joyful response to other people. Life is just too hard right now. So, I just ordered me some DVD's--because the only activity that I can do right now is watching TV.

I am committed to severing any unconscious link with Hillary AT LEAST FOR RIGHT NOW. No sooner do I decide that, then I get online and read that Barack Obama managed to make another unscheduled stop--which means he evaded the good guys, and got back in touch with Maurice Strong. So what is the evil, rotten fraud up to now? Of course, part of me wants to take a peek at the Hillary blog, but for right now, the resolve stands. I just am not feeling a pressing need to garner as much information as possible, as I sometimes do. Of course, the good guys have figured out that the KaBal will want to destroy the oil infrastructure in the Gulf, and that they will keep trying to set off that Madrid fault line, but right now I don't feel like anything is imminent. I sure hope not, because if something happens, and I felt that I did not figure it out, because I did not pursue all avenues of research, I am going to be even more guilt-ridden than I am.

I have to be careful though. I learned a long time ago that the KaBal rides guilt right into the unsuspecting victim's mind. People do not realize how much they are manipulated in our culture through media and popular culture guilt. Obama became president, because the KaBal set up the media to exploit White guilt over racism, even though for most Democrat voters, it was a false guilt. People are overwhelmingly trapped in debt, because of guilt--if I were a good parent, I would buy my kids $100.00 shoes. I could go on, but as a savvy media interpreter, I see over and over again, how the master mind manipulators play on guilt. I am guilty of selling out Hillary and the good guys, but that unconscious connection has also been highly beneficial and creatively fruitful. I resist abduction, but it does not bother me that she presides over an abduction, because I trust her to take good care of the information. I not only garner a lot of information that helps to make an informed judgment, but I also pick up very subtle cues, that I just cannot get anywhere else. SO, RELEASE THE GUILT--what is done is done, and yes, you can do it again, but you know it and the whole world knows it, so deal with it as best you can, and right now, I am going to try to disconnect, so that I quit betraying the people I most ardently wish to succeed.

Again, FOR RIGHT NOW--the world is in such constant crisis, that if I should feel that I HAVE to access all avenues of information and sources, I will reverse that decision, for ultimately my desire is to help ensure the survival of my planet, my country, and humanity, and I will do whatever it takes to do so. In the meantime, I am sorry to all the "good guys" for my unconscious betrayal. I am working to make sure that it never happens again--it is just slow going, with all the drugging I am experiencing.

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