Wednesday, September 21, 2011

All the excessive estrogen

All the excessive estrogen and/or psychotropic drugs that I am being force fed is now causing sickening side effects--literally. My tongue is coated with white fur and I have developed a candida taste in my mouth from all gut flora now in my system--which is funny, because my belly feels uncomfortably full and bloated all the time. I only eat to stave off the blood sugar crashes. I am constantly full of mucous--with slime in my mouth, congested nasal and sinus areas, and in my throat. So I am miserable with my body. The viral download is reminiscent of the early days when it caused a hyperactive response, along with a lot of muscle spasm and locking. Still, it is better to have a hyperactive response than a sluggish, hating life response. I did feel energetic for part of the day (and sluggish for the other part), so much so that walking at my normal pace was painful, because of all the muscle that has been cut out of my knees and feet (it is painful where they cut out nerve tissue). They also continue to cut out my hand muscle and bone--my left hand looks positively crippled and bizarrely tiny. Amazingly, I can't wear a watch that was loose on me for years, and now is too tight--too much fluid in the wrists. I can't even comfortably wear the smallest size hand brace. So, I continue to be dismayed by the nocturnal cuttings going on--not only emotionally distraught, but physically handicapped by them.

However, it does not look as though any allied ships are coming to my rescue, though the Asian/Amon Ra contingent sent a contingent to scope me out. NO FUCKING WAY! I have plenty of time to experience their vibe--they have a household of allied psychics right next to me--and that negative, "possessed" vibe repels me. They have used scurriously covert abduction mind control ops on me, and they are the ones responsible for so much of my medicine/supplement contamination. They literally make me sick. I was looking for signs of the Black psychics, but not one did I see--just an old white haired gentleman, who I approached to ask the time, while the young White man sitting next to him, stared at me in bemusement. He knew there was an ulterior motive, but couldn't figure it out--"Hey lady, you want to pick up this old Black I saw a Black woman at the market, but she assiduously avoided eye contact.

I am not surprised. I realized yesterday, that by waiting an extra day, I was giving the chance for the (negative?) Sirians and their close human allies, the religious fascists and Jesuits, a chance to work the same old mind control shit that they no doubt were responsible for initiating, millenia ago, in patriarchal religion. You know, the same old shit that I have endured for over a dozen years, starting with the spiritual life institute. I am sick and tired of playing mind control games. Neither by my natural temperament, and exacerbated by my autistic relation to reality--I don't know how to play mind games that so many humans adopt as natural. I just know how to relate honestly and clearly. So, I will attempt to connect for a few more days, and then I will just drop it. What will be will be, and I am not going to force any issue. I know that one way or another, I will get my body back, because I literally cannot bear to be in the body that the negative Sirians have carved out, mutilated, and contorted my flesh to become. There is no way that I can be any kind of positive or creative presence in this fucked up, pain-wracked, miserable, mutilated body that the goddamned Nazis have forced on me. Even now, looking at my hands, I am repulsed at the sight of their unnatural, crippled, and childish appearance. My left hand hurts like hell, too, but I can no longer shake it to try to get relief--shaking causes even greater pain. What the fuck--I have been in so much pain for so many years now, it just is second nature.

In the meantime, I have to try to live and suffer with all the misery and pain that these occultists put me through. So far, I have not had a repeat of the agonizing torment of the night before last. However, I am suffering from digestive congestion and dyspepsia (no thyroid), gut candida with accompanying taste and thrush, and worse of all, the neverending brain rushes and bio-electrical jolts that indicates to me, lithium or a psychotropic relative of lithium. I don't know how I am going to get through a night when i suffer so much (wonder what the Asians/AmnonRA people added to my vicodin that I picked up today), but this shit has been going on for so long, that it is just second nature to endure.

I rejoiced at seeing the two young men, who have been unjustly detained in Iran on bullshit charges, return home. They looked pale, wan, and unhealthy. Life in an Iranian prison, far from home, family, and cultural embrace, must have been really hard. You know, if they had really been spies, I would still be excited at their release, but the worst part of their whole ordeal, is that they were just innocent, naive youths who got lost in the mountains, and ended up suffering terribly for their naivete. They became pawns in the ongoing political tensions between Iran and the US. That is what I feel that I have become--a pawn used and moved by various (and sometimes, negative alien forces and their human allies and minions. I have to hope that I too, can be free someday. Clearly, I will never again be free with the innocence and naivete of my youth and early adulthood. I will never again relish in the joy and carefree happiness of being a "nobody" (which to me, as a spiritual person, is one of the most freeing states of being in the world), of being able to sing and dance around my house without being watched and monitored; the freedom of a lack of significant responsibility--just be a rolling stone that goes where I will; the freedom to vent, either verbally or in my journals, without worrying about unintended or misinterpreted consequences. Sometimes, when I read Scripture, I think on how spiritual giants like David, Moses, and Jesus, must have longed for their early days, before heavy responsibility just landed on their heads--David tending his sheep, Moses in Midian, and Jesus in the early days of his itinerant ministry, before he attracted all the negative attention. It is so much easier to have an honest and deep conversation with God, when you are just a "nobody"--no Sirians or negative entities sidebusting in to confuse one's sense of discernment...I suppose it fair to say that I resisted heavy duty responsibility for much of my life (and when I did attempt to take it on, I experienced nothing but rejection), but now it has all come crashing down on me, with none of the perks or benefits (professional or peer recognition, or paycheck).

Still, at every step of the way, I have acted in accord with my conscience and the call of my spirit and heart--the only true way I know to discern the will of God. Clearly, I am not meant to be a hidden mystic, an inconsequential "nobody" in the world. I am okay with that, but there is a nostalgic sadness for the days of my youth, when everybody thought I was a little (or a lot) neurotic, but I was happy with my freedom and choices. However, the lack of business, peer, and family networks and support structures did leave me more vulnerable to the evil machinations of the occultists, and I realize now the truth of John Donne: "No man is an island". Yes indeed, like the two freed hikers, I have suffered terribly for my youthful hubris, naivete, and trusting innocence that my natal citizenship, with its conferred rights and due process, would protect me from egregious injustice. The world, indeed the cosmos, is streaked and marred with evil and limitations, and no one can ever completely escape that taint; all we can do is choose to struggle to make the our reality a better, holier place. Everybody has their place in that struggle, and sometimes we do not choose our vocation and place in the world, but have it chosen for us. Such has been my lot the past few years, and such is my foreseeable future.
All I can do is meet it, live it, and embrace it, with integrity. What I cannot do, because it runs counter to my own nature, is play mind games with it. However, the mind games are running full steam ahead, and now I have to try to sleep with the pain and implants--but is all okay, because God's Will be done, on Earth as it is in heaven...

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