Mental torment over while physical torment continues--for the third day in a row I am suffering from constant, severe back pain. Usually this happens when I "throw out" my lower back." But I haven't thrown out my back. This pain is all caused by one, or maybe two, three vertebra that are impacted by the pressure of TOO MUCH cerebral spinal fluid going up my back. I can feel it. I think I am being given drugs that are causing too much csf to go into my brain. This not only has a serious negative impact on my eyesight, it is putting too much pressure on my spinal vertebra (I lay on my heating pad and just feel the csf pulsing and surging up and down my spine). This causes the connecting muscles to spasm and lock out of place, and before you know it, I am in severe chronic pain. I have been in chronic back pain before--for three years I suffered with it. It is unbearable. And yoga and exercise doesn't help. It hurts even more, because the vertebra and muscle gets extra strain and stress added to them. This can't continue. Pain is the most debilitating of all factors. Furthermore, I am worried that if this pressure keeps up, the vertebra is going to rupture or herniate, and then I am going to be truly screwed. Whatever is going on is also, like the psychotropic drugs causing stymied energy in my body--I know I have stymied energy when my body starts vibrating. It can vibrate in my solar plexus, my lower back or shoulders or head. It doesn't matter. But this kind of stymied energy makes it impossible to concentrate, to write or even to read. When my energy is free-flowing, I may be hyperactive, but I have tremendous concentration and energy, and I feel good and healthy and alive instead of miserable, dammed and in pain.
Why does this happen? This happens because the people in charge of this operation are constantly trying to warp me to fit their expectations and sense of perfect. Who knows? Maybe the reason I have a calcium imbalance is because my learned body response to counter constant back pain necessitates that. The body has the innate capacity to heal, but it always involves a dynamic interchange. Like I was saying the other day, people with bad backs have overdeveloped glutes--that is how we compensate for weak back muscles. It took me three years of prayer and exercise to get rid of the constant back pain that plagued me. I don't know what exchange that involved, but I know for a fact that I would do it again in a heartbeat. It was a good choice. Chronic pain is unbearable, and I am dismayed that I am suffering it again, now at the hands of my tormentors. I WANT MY BODY BACK!!
