Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Woke up today with a clear head

Woke up today with a clear head for the first time in what seemed weeks.  Even more importantly, I looked out my open, screeened door and saw the early morning light hitting the leaves on my neighbor's tree, and felt a soul stirring response.  I was actually able to appreciate beauty !  For the first time in weeks!  The light in Albuquerque this summer has been just remarkably beautiful--more like the artistic havens of the northern part of the state, Pecos, Taos and Santa Fe.  I think it has to do with the cloud overcast caused by the unusually inordinate monsoon rains that we have been welcoming with the unmitigated enthusiasm of a desert people for water.

While intellectually I have been appreciating this unaccustomed weather, and the coolness that it brings to a normal, scorchingly hot summer, I haven't "felt" it--that soul response of gratitude and joy that is related to the psychological feeling function.  The drugs have totally separated me from that deep feeling capacity--which is what I believe makes us truly human.  It feels good to experience my humanness.

I can't say that life is perfect.  I am still on speed, and it is still dragging me down, but compared to the hell I have been experiencing while on those psychotropic drugs, life feels good.  Now, I just got to try to "get my legs back."  The drugs completed numbed and increasingly paralyzed by legs.  When I woke up this morning, I could actually feel my legs for the first time in a long time, but the muscles are still weakened and I find it difficult to walk.  So what am I going to do with this great day?  Clean house.  Who knows, tomorrow I might be all drugged up, and completely incapacitated again.  Got to make hay while the sun shines--and it is shining so beautifully today. Thank you, God.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Woke up very sick

Woke up very sick after a hellacious day yesterday.  Sick to the point of not being able to function.  Sick to the point of having been told in a dream to have my blood sugar checked for diabetes.  I don't need a dream to know my blood sugar is all messed up.  I am craving sugar all the time (and I dont have much sugar in the house).  My blood sugar crashes all the time and I eat to try to feel better even though I am so damned nauseated.  I am nauseated all the time, and am taking fiornal for sick headaches.  I had hoped to try to write but the Risperdal like all psychotropic drugs completely undercuts my ability to think rationally and verbally.  I can only think in images, and want to spend all day in bed daydreaming in a fantasy world (that is the prime clue that i am on risperdal).  I try to watch tv, but now my motion sickness has extended from not being able to watch moving objects (like moving cars) in front of me, to not being able to watch moving images on the tv.  Everything looks like it is leaping out at me in another dimension like i am wearing funny glasses.  So i am taking dramamine too. 

I am pissed off at myself for talking to Dale because I believe I brought this latest round of torture on myself.  Everytime I talk ablut spiritual matters the damned, sick, warped Catholic Church starts salivating and scheming on how to bring me in line with their objectives.  Well forget it assholes.  My spiritual path and destiny lies on a totally different path than yours.  I want nothing to do with you or your torture lies and manipulations.  I am so sick of being sick. 

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Trying to feel good enough to work

Trying to feel good enough to work as I keep struggling with feeling so bad from all these psychotropic drugs.  I try to keep working out but everything is so hard.  I feel like stephen Hawking--a brain in a useless, alienated body.  Of course that is when the brain is working.  sometimes i am so drugged up  even that doesnt work.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Jerked around

Jerked around from one drug to another as tptb try desperately to find some drug that will turn me into one of their brainwashed zombies.  What they r turning me into is an arthritic muscled rigid bag of pain and spasms so severe that I literally cant put weightr on my ankles.  Even my jaws are spasming so bad that it is difficult to chew.   More trying to dope myself up with painkillers and benandryl to sleep in spite of pain and headaches

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Birthday from hell

Birthday from hell as I spent all day with migraines, nausea and totally unable to walk.  Whatever psychotropic drug I am on continues at a lower dosage. Unable to concentrate or stand any noise or stimuli.  My eyes are very messed up and I fear for my right eye loss.  Worse of all is the pain from my back, i havent done yoga in a week and my week feels it.  I am going to try to do it today but i am so sick with whatever drug i am on it takes all my concentrated sustained energy just to stand and i can barely lift my feet.  Just suffering, and on top of that, cranky, peevish, and just angry at these stupid fuckers and the damage they have done my body--i am all bloated with fludid agin.  too sick to continue.  get out and live another hellish day withing i wwere dead.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Drugged to the point of dysfunction

Drugged to the point of dysfunction--tried to take off to the mts yesterday to heal my body and mind but some creep drugged me all up.  I was able to ride my bike yesterday but came back with such a drug induced headache I had to take Fiornal.  This morning I am so drugged that I cant stand any kind of stimuli (I think I am autistic again--that is a symptom of heavy autism; also not being able to check out peoples emotional reactions--such as on tv--its too overwhelming.  My body is stiff and sore and crying out for exercise but I am too sick to exercise though I fantasize about going swimming in an effort to try to loosen up muscles but I am too sick to put forth the effort expecially knowing that some opus dei creep will just drug me up worse than I already feel.

I talked to colleen today. I envy her.  I envy anyone who is free to live their life.  All i can do is hope that one day I can be free again to live my life, that i can recuperate some of my bodily health and stamina, and that somewhere there is a lesbian woman courageous enough to mate with me. 

For now I just have to suffer along, and try to live with this floating head, headaches, stiff neck and body and just a desire to be asleep or anywhere but other than the hateful, miserable, suffering realtity that is just my drug fested life.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Dreamed last nite

Dreamed last nite that i was going psychotic. no doubt aobut it the psychotropic drugs put me a psychotic place. not in reality. candt do anthing--dishes, reinstall software clen house.  barely able to function at all.  takes all energy to stnd on two feet.  too sick.  maybe the fuckers wont be happy until they drive me permantely insane.  well guess what assholes there is one thing u are good at destroyuing people. congratulations

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Well was I wrong

Well was I wrong--the lithium is gone but risperdal is at full speed, totally separating me from reality, and turning me into a zombie who can only lay there and watch images in her head (I cant stand to listen to any arguments appealing to reason or prejudice--cable news_; I can't read.  Opening my eyes and seeing stimul is overwhelming so i try to keep everything shut down.  My eyyesight is all messed up again as once more my head floats with excess csf fluid and my right eye is damaged by all the pressure on the nerve.  I can barely walk.  I dont think i can drive.  but all in all I am too sick to do anything but curse the mother fuckers who have done this to me. You stupid ass fucking asshole opus dei roman catholic types.  its not enough that you have destroyed my life.  you want to destroy my mind to well get this mother fuckers i wont have anything to do with you.  i dreamed last nite that i was joan of arc--destroyed by a corrupt sinful worthless church with the state providing the means---pharmaceuticals instead of faggots===fuck you i will despise you to myt dying breath. and i hope everyone learns how corrupt and evil u r.  i am too sick to continue. 

Lost day plus

Lost day plus--a true day from hell yesterday--so sick with lithium poisoning that I could do nothing--even watching tv made me sick.  At night I kept waking up because I would stop breathing.  It is not sleep apnea.  When these fuckers use psychotropic drugs on me, they mess up my already "different", autistic brain stem, and I think the brain stem which regulates automatic breathing forgets to breathe.  I guess at this point I have enough of a self preservation instinct that I wake up.  I don't know how.  Because honestly days like yesterday leave me longing for death.  Today I still am sick but at least I am in reality, not like yesterday.  Too much overload though. I am so sick of these fucking bastards. 

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Another lost day

Another lost day--this time to lithium, I think.  I am so used to being abused by drugs that I know the feeling.  Unable to get up this morning,  unable to do do anything, even go for my usual bike ride--and it was a lovely day too.  All I can to do is hope tomorrow is better. Tired. Bedtime.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

So much for the respite

So much for the respite--the Risperdal has started up again--I can tell by the serious muscle spasms that have attacked my back.  I can also tell by the heavy depression that I woke up with.  I actually felt it last night.  So much for my newfound ability to laugh once more.  Once again, I am reduced to getting up and struggling to get through life.  I really need to get a job but every time I start to resolve to do it (I am considering doing political activism, and supporting the Democratic candidate but it takes immense amounts of psychic energy involving rationalization and endless pep talks to myself about party discipline), I get sickened by the drugs, too sick to work.  I look for a desk job but no one will hire me.  Today I could not work at a political activist job, which involves a lot of walking and thinking/talking on one's feet.  As a matter of fact, I am hoping that I will be able to get out of the parking lot without another scratch.  It was crazy trying to do it last night (some extended cab truck is narrowing the already narrow gap), and I was so drugged I couldn't drive properly but God got me home safely.  That is all I have hope in--that God will get me, this country, and this world out of this mess that we are all in.  

Friday, July 11, 2008

Finally, some relief

Finally, some relief from the sheer chemical and implant hell that has been my life for the last three years.

Regrettably, the speed that I am forcefed continues to make it impossible for me to read or pray; the reason for this is because speed very effectively prevents me from entering the "contemplative" state--the "feminine," receptive yet active state of readiness that allows fruitful entry, pondering, and either deep acceptance or conscientious rejection of ideas, thoughts and concepts. 

From my philosophical view as a Christian, the ability to excercise the contemplative life is paramount.  Before the drugging began, I would say that years of spiritual discipline had resulted in me living over 70% of my life in the contemplative state, and it was very easy for me to begin or end my day in such a state by just reading some Scripture, poetry, or truly reflective prose or fiction. If I had had a rocky day or night, it was a surefire, quick and easy way to get back in touch with the depths of my being.  For years, I have worried about the decline of reading in our population because it is clear to me that people who read are people who think and dialogue clearly and fruitfully.  It is not that non-readers are unintelligent, but rather that their thought processes, opinions, and conversations are not structured in the contemplative readiness and response which I find to be the mark of a more fully realized, potentiated human being.  So by stealing my ability to live in the contemplative state, my persecutors are stealing my humanity--as the Christians would quote from St. Ireneous--"the glory of God is the human being fully alive".  I now live less than 1% of my life in the contemplative state.   It is possible to read, but only from a superficial, information gathering standpoint, not from a creatively receptive and evaluative state.  Words in and of themselves no longer evoke a deep "feeling" (as opposed to merely "emotional" response.  This is why I, who used to read poetry nearly every single day, can no longer read the classic poets whose books line my bookshelves.  I read a line over and over but it makes no sense to me, as it did for the first 43 years of my life.   What a loss!

The speed also causes me (and anyone else who is under its baneful, pernicious influence) to suffer from constant anxiety and agitation--no more deep peace of the contemplative state  I've read over and over again (and have encountered in my own personal and career experience) that speed is the one drug most associated with demonic spirits, and I believe it.  (Heroin and cocaine destroy the user, but they don't create the same intensity of desire in the user to lash out to others in destructively violent hate and rage.  I know, because I can smell it on my own body, that I have this evil spirit of anxiety, anger, and agitation riding me, and I can't get rid  myself of it because I cannot get in touch with that contemplative state that allows the Holy Spirit to come and take over my life and being (I used to experience frequent indwelling by the Holy Spirit;  I can honestly say that indwelling has never happened since the chemical invasion began 21/2 years ago.  What the speed does is block the "deep feeling function," "holy desire," the receptive yet active (ie, contemplative) yearning for God.  While they can't sever my faith in God's presence,  they do successfully disrupt my ability to present myself to God in an experiential state of contemplation. 

Finally, while speed may help most people with productivity and increased concentration, with me it is the exact opposite.  Being naturally (and very healthily) hyperactive, the speed slows and drags me down, making the simplest of tasks seem overwhelming and protractedly difficult.  It is a struggle to maintain my once truly remarkable and prodigious ability to concentrate and focus.  It is like having a perpetual case of the flu--just constantly trying to stay on task.

Having said all this I do feel a little bit better.  Last night I watched a rerun of a comic X-files, and I was surprised to find myself laughing at the antics and idiosyncrasies of Scully and Mulder.  It's been a long time since I have been able to laugh like that because it has been a long time since I took delight in the emotional life and foibles of another.  Yet that is such a human gift--without it, life is unbearably heavy. 

So what happened to make that change--well, I finally am learning how to combat the implants in me, and have neodynimium (sp?) magnets taped to my body (starting out slowly, trying it on the elbow implants, but so far the results are so impressive, I think I will be moving on to more sensitive, implanted areas).  Finally the feeling of "deadness" and inflammation in my arms is declining.  I am still not 100%, but my arms and hands feel so much better.  I was so arthritic in my hands that I was in constant pain--gripping the steering wheel, drinking from a glass, even splaying my fingers out on a table top or bed all caused severe arthritic pain in my finger joints (ALL GONE!).  And my arms are starting to look normal again, gone is the plumped out, stuffed sausage look caused by all the edemic fluid in my arms which were caused by the implants.  Hopefully, I will soon be able to do the same with my legs but that is trickier because while I know they are caused by the implants in my back, I am not sure of their precise location.  But I am on the right track, Tita, and I just have to keep going.   It is such a slow and tedious process that involves a lot of research on the web, most of which is repetition or marginally helpful, but little by little I am building a database in my head--just don't want to spell it all out.  Time to go--I've forced myself to write that last 10 or 15 minutes, since the speed is disrupting my ability to concentrate and write, but I think I can let go now...till next time.


Sunday, July 6, 2008

The Risperdal is over but the speed is redoubled

The Risperdal is over but the speed is redoubled and I am so fucked up by the shit I cant do anything, except deplore the weight I keep putting on.  I am over 200 pounds again and it is all fat--I am losing what muscle tone I once had.  I wish I could get up and work out but the speed acts like a total drag and depressant on me so that I cant even get up to clean my dirty house.  What is the point of working out anyway?  As long as I am drugged up with speed and psychotropic drugs, I will never be in control of my weight as they just all pack on drugs no matter how hard I struggle and force myself to do yoga, go for a little bike ride or push myself to do a 30 minute walk on the cardio machines.  I cant read.  I cant pray.  I cant clean house.  I am just truly miserable. 

Friday, July 4, 2008

Im so drugged I cnt stand on my own two feet

Im so drugged I cnt stand on my own two feet, I cant walk my arms r too weak to type.  I am not in reality absolutely no way i can drive.  Tfhe goddamned drugs are literally driving me to psychosis. I try to hold on to faith in the heart which is the only thing theire goddamned chemicals and implants cant touch.  I see Betancourts face and think maybe one dayt I will be free again. but it wont be today.  Too sick to care .  all i can do is endre.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Very sick again

Very sick again as psychotropic drugs ravage me physically and mentally.  Incredible amt of excess csf in brain==head is floating.  All my muscles spasming==cant walk because ankles are spasming.  Ankles swollen monstrously.  Autistic--cant stand stimuli.  Bedtime

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

"Come on, you can do better than that"

"Come on, you can do better than that" the old man told me as he saw me laboriously bike by.  Sorry sir, I really can't.  My legs and arms are numb and while they move, I have no feeling in them.  My head floats as if on a stick, and I have no ability to read, concentrate or even remember what I did yesterday without sitting down and struggling to reconstruct my day.  I have read about 200 pages of Mein Kamp (not exactly a page turner) in two weeks.  That is crazy.  It should have taken me three days TOPS.  Even at work I struggle to comprehend what I read.  I feel like a demented Alzheimer's patient, except I am too damned sick to care--just try to keep going Tita.