Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Poisoned Again!

3/28/06---Very very ill, now for two days---unable to do anything.  Why? The same sorry motherfuckers who nearly killed me with their lithium and speed have gotten to me with anti-depressants, which my body completely, utterly rejects as poison.  I am so angry, I want to go off on somebody.  I don't feel the anti-depressants in my mind anymore;  I don't feel anything in my mind.  They have so fucked up my brain that my receptor sites are completely fried.  I can't even get drunk. So, the brain no longer registers the poison, but while it took several days for the body to register the poison,  when it did, it shut down--totally.  I am incapable of doing anything, except laying around (though I am able to read again).  Well get this motherfuckers--Paul DeBlassie, Dave Denny, and all you stupid ass government psychs--I want you out of my body and out of my life--FOREVER ASSHOLES.  Get it?  I want nothing to do with you, your sick dysfunctional religion, your abusive governmental agency lies and brutality. 

I know this is a really hard concept for you to get grasp, but I am a human being and I have rights--every single one of which you have violated--- and I don't want your fucking medication.  I don't want you in my life.  I will heal myself slowly, but I will NEVER have anything to do with you. GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT!  Stop poisoning my body with your abuse and stupidity.  I am not a fucking lab rat for you to experiment on.  I am  a human being and I want my life back you GOD-DAMNED CREEPS.

Monday, March 27, 2006

Able to read again


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I am happy, peacefully, truly happy for the first time in months.  I am sitting on my porch, soaking in the glorious weather (along with a palm plant I am trying really hard to save from the premature death of my negligence.  I am walking around in bare feet on clean floors that I mopped yesterday (I hate wearing shoes; I feel so liberated when I walk around in bare feet).  I haven’t had a headache all day (my daily headaches come and go in waves, that I think, are linked to body/brain energy.  Whenever, I become too active, too energetic, the brain forcibly slows me down with the headaches).  I haven’t been overextending myself.  It is just that my brain only wants to move at a very slow pace.  Well, it has one more week to heal itself, and then the pace is going to definitely quicken, like it or not.  The breeze is blowing, the birds are warbling, and the chimes are tinkling, and it feels good to be alive.  I was actually able to read today, and think, and pray, but I am not in a place where I am comfortable writing about my inner spiritual life, as the dominating forces in my life are only concerned with stymieing my spirit and free will, and warping it to fit their dysfunctional needs.  The less they know what is going on with me, the better.  They still are attempting to dope me up with anxiety and sleep-interfering drugs, but the weather is on my side now, and I just sleep on the hardwood floor with no blankets.  I have given my unconscious stern instructions not to talk in my sleep, and give comfort and aid to my enemy.  I don’t know if it is working or not.  I remember how Edgar Cayce was totally powerless to control what people asked of him, so he had his wife present at all readings to make sure that he wasn’t abused while sleeping.  It makes me laugh to think that they’re going to get me to return to an abusive psychologist with that.  These people don’t know me at all!  Insomnia led me to seek help once before, but my insomnia was genuine, not induced, and I know the difference.  What caused the insomnia that I experienced when I first started working at AOL?  I think it was unconscious anxiety over knowing that I was in a situation where my emotional and spiritual self-sufficiency was about to be toppled.  It is a very anxiety-provoking situation for me to fall in love, especially when it comes all wrapped up with other incidentals.  I also think the stress that working at AOL put on me was somewhat responsible.  I had to grow---and fast—to deal with all the challenges that were being thrown at me.  It is a very social environment, and as always that was very challenging for me.  The SLI & Co have got it all wrong.  It is not artificially induced challenges that make one grow and stretch (often creating anxiety in the process).  It is just dealing with life—on the real.  I laugh when I think of all the times they tried to create anxiety and other emotional states in me.  They have no idea that unlike them, I am totally uninterested in emotional game playing.  Dealing with basic emotions and relationships is plenty challenging for me, and especially now that the lithium has intensified my autism.  I can tell that I am not quite “right,” clearly handicapped, in my dealings with other people, and this causes the same confusion and shame in me that I experienced as a child and youth, and it is very hard to overcome it, instead of just withdrawing.  But I did it once before, and I believe that I can do it again.  I just don’t know when my brain is going to be healed.  But as they say, “whatever doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger.”  I’m tired of being strong.  I just want to rest, but with the enemies I have (and they are legion), that doesn’t look to be an alternative anytime soon…..

Thursday, March 23, 2006



3/22/06---It has been a long time since I wrote anything, even though it has been over a month since I left work on short-term disability.  But I have been recuperating....from sheer brain
exhaustion and trauma, and the recuperation from the poisoning is nowhere near finished.  My immediate diagnosis is fluid on the
brain (it was pretty bad for a while---I wondered if I were going to lose some of my eyesight permanently), but the real damage was done by the poison--lithium and speed.  I did learn something
about myself from all this---I am autistic---something the MRI technicians found.  (Of course nobody "told" me this--I had to figure it out on my own, like I always do.  To give lithium to
an autistic is just about one of the most damaging of actions.  And I realize the lithium has made me more autistic.  I'm not as bad as I was---totally alienated from my body, but my body
still is not healthy and I can not push myself like I am accustomed.  Then of course, there is all that additional inflammation and arthritis that the speed has directly created....
One reason I quit writing (apart from the fact that the brain was just too exhausted to think and write), was because I realized that the SLI & Co actually enjoy my suffering.  They are dysfunctional, sick and sadistic Mel Gibson type Christians---suffering is "good" in their eyes.  Builds character, especially Christian character.  Don't get me wrong.  Suffering comes to us all, and when it
does, we should embrace it, but to purposely create, cause, encourage, and facilitate suffering---that is the kind of heresy that patriarchal Christianity espouses--not the
teachings of Jesus, who healed people through love and touch, not poison and lies.  Even the  false notion that these doctors and priests had of me--"manic-depressive"; "semi-schizoid"
all came about because these people literally did not (and do not) know me.  That is why they will not accept who I am, or allow me free choice in self-identity.  But I insist on it.  Regaining myself, my mind, my body, and my emotions, though is going to be an arduous, involved process.  In three months, the sadists managed to completely wreck my mind and body. 
Even now, when I talk to people, I recognize that I am not all there.  It is as though I cannot sort out the thoughts in my mind.  All the little tricks I learned over the years to deal with people, from my autistic perspective, are not functioning.  I am suffering
serious anxiety whenever I have to deal with other people.  It is hard for me to think logically, and I honestly suspect that all these headaches that I have been getting is the brain insisting on quiet and healing.  My poor brain just doesn't like a lot of activity right now.  As a matter of fact, it is starting to flag on me right now.  It is so tiring to write two paragraphs.  I do not know when I will be well again.  I can only take it one step at a time. Bedtime.




(I can see the face of the stupid Christian who poisoned me at Starbucks as clearly as if she was there.  I wonder if they told these Christians who have been actively poisoning me if a huge mistake was made---i.e., I am neither "semi-schizoid" or manic-depressive, just an autistic.  Of course the Christian foot soldiers are so stupid, I don't think they have any idea of the tremendous damage done by lithium--especially to an autistic brain....Anyway from December.....

I am taking advantage of a brief bit of lucidity---the first in a while.
The SLI and their stupid, sheep followers, have been hard-edged by the power
and resources of a "black" agency (I am willing to bet its the NSA), and they make
my life a veritable hell, poisoning every place I dwell and work, with drugs--
a combination of speed and anti-depressants, I suspect.  I can barely function.
As a matter of fact, the only reason I persevere is because intellectually I
know what is happening.  When it is really bad--my legs are rubber and can hardly
walk, I'm so high that I cannot concentrate, and weird things are happening in
my brain---like they did when I took Imetrex (so that I am worried about having
a brain seizure), I know that the only way this will end is with my physical
collapse.  But I have no other recourse but to suffer it.  After having spent six
months in jail at the hands of these psychological idiots and spiritual midgets,
I know they care nothing about the long term consequences on my body.  And consequences
I already feel.  I don't know what is going to happen, though I can feel twinges in my
appendix, storing the poison, I'm having serious heart pain (wouldn't it be fun to have
a damaged heart for the rest of my life), and my body is so stiff and weak from the
inability to exercise that I literally cannot cross my legs without lifting one
over the other.  Worse of all, I am having those weird brain rushes, similar to the
ones I had when I was taking Imitrex.  How close am I to having a brain seizure?
A stupid sheep just came in and sat behind me.  It is all I can to not go off on her. 
Whenever these Christians come and do their Opus Dei or prayer group duty by spying on
me, or poisoning me (like the two Asian bimbos at the Econolodge),I creep out.
I can read their stupid, simple, brainwashed minds every time, and it horrifies me to
realize how the Church and its power brokers--i.e. the priests have totally undermined
and twisted the gospel message of Jesus to these people.  The interesting thing, too,
is that none of them have any depth of spirituality (the Asian women struck me as a
duo of Jehovah's Witnesses), but thanks to the brainwashing of the church and its priests,
they are so smug in their psuedo-spirituality that they are doing some great work.
This is not the spiritual life--my God, how the Church has degenerated.  Is this my call--
a regeneration of faith and spirituality---very far from the abyss of corruption where
they try to control bodies and minds, instead of welcoming and inviting the freedom of
choice that Jesus did.  These people are like the Islamic suicide terrorists.  They
know nothing of true faith or spirituality.  They are brainwashed sheep---agents of
action for the power brokers who use the name of Jesus and the spiritual life to
control and manipulate others. So I guess that I am being prepared to fight that, with
the added preparation of fighting against the tyranny of governmental abuse (but religious
abuse is always so much worse than political abuse). 
When my mind is clear, I try to pray, but all I can do is cling to God's promise---and
that gives me hope.  I think of people like Victor Frankel or Alexander Solshenitsen-sp?.
I've also been thinking a lot of John Sheridan's torture in B5.  The same thing that
gave him hope and allowed him to persevere works for me.  Thanks Augusta.  I know that
there are people on my side, and you are the primary one.  That is so important for me
when I realize how even my own mother sells me out (but then she has sold me out my
entire life long....what is new?)
It isn't that hard to be on my side---just respect my freedom of choice to define myself,
and don't abuse my body or mind.
Before I go, I have to say that I had a good dream last night.  Good dreams are hard to
come by these days. I dreamed of Dave Denny trying to tell me what to do, and I was telling
him no, I wanted nothing to do with him, and I went to S Therese who told me she didn't want m
me to live with her but with a woman who was about to get married.  It felt so good to
talk to Therese--someone else who really respects me for who I am, and I knew that she was
trying to tell me that I need to exercise a marriage committment.  I am trying Therese, but
these damned cultists keep going to extremes to keep me from living my vocation.


More writing from the poison haze

(This is undated, but was written in December, when I was under the influence of lithium and speed)

So, are these people messing with my medication again?  I have been suffering serious depression (of a type and duration I never suffer....wanting to cut myself with a box cutter!!!!!---
what's up with that?).  I've been getting headaches and have a psoriasis rash again---both of which are prevented when I am on true thyroid medication.  I did not take the medication last night
and actually woke up feeling like a human being, for the first time in a long time.  Most telling of all is the draining low energy that steals my iniative and drive.  When I feel like this, I can't
remember how long ago that I felt normal.  But I see that today is Princess Diana's 8th anniversary of her death.  My life was stolen from me by the SLI (and I have never gotten it back)
 when I lived at County Line Road, and I remember waking up to learn of her death there.  So...sigh....eight years, feels
like 50.  I can't even remember what it is like to have a normal life without unwelcome religious fanatics interfering and manipulating and controlling my basic life decisions and choices.  As I am sitting through this training class, I can't help but think how better suited I am to technical support, needing the intellectual challenge of a steep learning cuve, but I am not allowed to engage
in employment that meets my needs.  At least I have no huge sexual drive right now---that's another thing that anti-depressants
do to to people who are not depressed---steal their sex drive and makes you disgusted with your body.  Of course, then, that would make me the perfect candidate to be a nun.  What a clever
idea!  I could join the body hating zombies in their cassocks and habits.  There's only one problem.  I refuse to believe the lie that the Church puts on all of its members, but especially
those poor sobs who suffer celibacy---that sexuality is hateful and cannot be freely chosen by any human being, but must be regulated by the "fathers" who know what is best for us. 
Forget that.  I may not be free to live my life as I choose, but I will not enslave my mind to body hatred through their conditioning drugs.  I feel better already now that I'm getting rid
of the patriarchal poison.....(no wonder I wanted to cut open my veins--I just wanted to get rid of the poison).....