Tuesday, November 22, 2005


I'm forcing myself to function half-heartedly at work (it will be interesting to see what my stats are for the month of November---these anti-depressants turning me into a pale, unresponsive ghost of myself).  I'm barely eating in an attempt to keep my digestive system from seizing up on me.  But I feel like I am having a month long bout with the flu---weak and sick, lethargic and unmotivated to do much more than function.  I am glad now that I don't have a job that demands a lot of me, for when I am faced with anything that forces me to think or act enrgetically, I know that I don't have the resources to muster for the job, and just collapse.  It makes me feel compassion for the people that I know are truly depressed---like a co-worker on my team.  I'm still convinced that the majority of people on anti-depressants are just legal addicts.  In a way, I have more respect for alcoholics or heroin addicts---at least they know they are addicts, and there's nothing legitimate, or "medical" about dependency.  But we are a society of addicts---primarily, I believe, because our deepest, truest need---that of awareness of and relationship with the realm of the spiritual---is not met.  Churches surely don't meet that need; they have become one of the biggest purveyors of addiction, not only in this country, but in the world.  Unfortunately, while addictive religion may have had positive ramifications in the past, I see it as the single most destructive collectivizing force in the world today.

I'm trying to keep my joy that I lost three weeks ago, when my thyroid medications were replaced with chemically addictive drugs whose sole purpose was to depress and de-energize me.  I try to think what positive I can take from this, and renewed contempt for Western medicine is certainly one.  It is hard when the person I live with thinks joy is a manifestation of out of control mania.  I noticed how much it disturbed her when I woke up singing.  Well, I won't be singing for a while. I also know that I cannot express myself around her fully so I put on my best "mask"--acceptable, quiet, suppressed and repressed---be a good little Christian girl.  Of course I know this is going to get to her, but I don't care.  I'm tired of not being able to express myself; besides there is no joy living with someone who I cannot be my naturally exuberant, bodacious self.  I guess the biggest difference between us is best encapsulated in the people we are attracted to.  She is attracted to a 400 pound man who told her he wouldn't want to have sex because he was afraid of a heart attack; he uses oxygen to masturbate.  I, on the other hand, know that sex and love is about going out of yourself and sacrifice, not protecting the flesh.   That is such a blasphemous denial of life and love.   That is why I have made the choices I've made; too bad, I've got a religious Taliban from preventing me from living out my choices.  But my life won't be full or complete until I'm with the woman I love.  Nor (and this comes from God with whom I've talked about it many times), will true healing over my childhood abuse come about until I am with her.  So, in the meantime, I just try to function, sometimes more successfully than others.  Right now, admittedly, it is very hard.  But I  will make my choices to the extent that I am able.  I would rather suffer sickness and debility from the lack of my thyroid medication than suffer mental and emotional devitalization and physical poison from anti-depressants.  I dreamed about three weeks (right before they swapped out my meds, and I knew that it was an ominous dream), that I was going to go to jail again, but I had a choice--I could have my hands tied behind me, or in front.  Well I choose in front.  I interpreted the dream to mean that I was entering a period of constricted repression and suffering (and boy was I right), but at least I have some freedom of movement.  I choose to suffer my way; not theirs.

Last night I had an important "self" dream with an old VIDA buddy of mine--"Kathleen."  I always remember Kathleeen's comment about the SLI.  She was a very mature, measured, calm woman, and one day on a trip back from the monastery.  All of us twentysomething VIDA's were excitedly commenting on how sexist the SLI was in regard to women, and how they did this, that, and the other.  Finally, Kathleen, who was quiet as always, responded to our question for comment--she said, "they are kept women."  Because she never made rash or emotional judgments, that statement had more force than all our excited proclamations put together.  Glenna broke the profound stillness by exclaiming, "that's why I'm uncomfortable there.  I'm an unkept woman."  We all laughed.  Thank you, God, for unkept women.  They are what keeps the world truly alive and joyful---make life worth living.  Anyway, I dreamed I went to talk to Kathleen who was living by herself in the woods, and in the dream I got the impression that though the SLI was nearby, she was resolutely independent of them (Kathleen was to make an extended retreat there later, but though she was desperately seeking a religious community, that place was not for her.  She was too intelligent, motivated, and gifted of a woman to ever be a "kept" member of McNamara's harem.  But in the dream she offered me coffee (weak) after I got hot water from a stream, and offered me to read three books that she had on Tibetan Buddhism (when I think of TB, I think of discernment of the spirits---they are very in touch with the fact that the spiritual has both divine and demonic elements, and that the two, while different,  are both somehow legitimate or valid).  She had parked her car nearby, and someone came and told her that it had been towed uphill (why, I don't know).  But the upshot was to make her life harder, even though she already was living a very elemental life in the woods.

Here comes the stomach pain....I just ate.

Monday, November 21, 2005


I have thrown the poison away, right down the toilet.  Now I won't be tempted to take it at 4 in the morning when I wake up in digestive agony.  I've quit eating solid food, except for little bits in broth. It doesn't really help though.  My stomach still feels like an indigestible cinder block, and I find my loosest pants are uncomfortably tight on me.  Normally, I am enraged whenever I see myself gaining weight because of these people's abusive tricks (and then have the doctor make comments about how people aren't aware of how much they eat--well I'm not eating now, and I'm gaining weight...what does that tell you?  Maybe you got another pill for that which you will lace with anti-depressant poison too....).  But my body is too weak and tired to be angry right now.  Mentally, I feel clear, and thank you God, it is so good to have my mind back.  Even though I know how hard it is for me to lose weight, and I know that I will be furious and humiliated once it all ends, and I can start the slow laborious process of losing the additional fat that they have added on to me this time, I will deal with that problem when my body feels healthy.  I just can't agonize over the condition of my body when it is in the survival mode that it is in right now.  To me, regaining control of the mind is antecedent to regaining control of my body.  So I am just going to hunker down into survival mode until my body learns that it is going to have to kick in and do some metabolism on its own--that I can't depend on anybody to help me out---and most certainly not anyone in the medical profession.  My roommate is all pissed off at me---no doubt because she is reading my entries and is all hurt about what I say about anti-depressants. That is too bad.  I feel like the young child Eve whose mother would fill her up with enemas, then fly into a rage when she couldn't hold it any longer.  It is only an evil mother who would poison her children with antidepressants that weaken the mind and body.  And then to fly into a rage when you start to expel it from your body.....But I know who the evil mother is who started all this, although he insists on being called "Father."  I know and have told him over and over again that I want nothing to do with him or his community, but they won't listen.  So they commit desperate, evil acts against my body and person, and I am suffering for it right now.  And indeed I am suffering.  My body just got hit with a wave of fatigue after drinking a bowl of broth.  I think its taking all the energy I have to digest even a bowl of broth.  I have to save my energy.  I have to go to work like this. 

Sunday, November 20, 2005

Severely depressed

All my attempts to find a homeopathic alternative that will work to replace my deficient thyroid have failed.  I have two choices--I can either try to clear myself of the fucking poisonous shit, and then I suffer all the symptoms of low thyroid.  I was so upset yesterday to realize how my skin had become like sandpaper again--so coarse and dry--even my face.  I can handle most of the problems associated with low thyroid though, except for the digestion.  Whenever I feel the pain in my digestion, I break down and take the poison again, and then my stomach feels a little better, while I have to deal with all the associated symptoms--the overwhelming feelings of severe depression and lethargy, the fucking headaches which are getting worse and worse, and about to drive me to bang my head against the wall--overall feelings of near panic anxiety and suicidal ideation, as I am forced to take medicine that I know has been poisoned to try to keep my body functioning.  So I have a choice---either I quit eating, or I take their poison which is destroying not only my overall physiological health, but also my emotional and psychological well being.  I am so angry at these bastards and their stupidity and their lack of respect for my dignity as a human being.  But then stupidity and lack of respect for my personhood has been their trademark MO all along--it just took me years to take off my guilt ridden ideological blinders to see it.  I'm so upset because I was on the track to genuine healing, in peak health, happy and confident about where my health stood, and where it was headed; now I'm a wreck.  But the SLI & Co are not interested in my healing; they are only interested in extending their control over me.  So now I'm going to have to starve myself and suffer a partial, if not total shutdown of my body in order to get clear.  I am so angry it is beyond words; besides it takes too much energy right now in my depressed, dilapaditated, poisoned condition

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Understanding Dynamics of Anti-Depressants

As I continue to experience and fight the effects of these anti-depressants, I realize now how they work, and why they are so addictive.  Bottom line is they make you high, and cocoon you from reality, so you really don't experience reality---you are too tuned in to the feel good vibes caused by artificial chemicals in your brain.  Most westerners are barely in touch with what their body is feeling, so they are unaware of how powerful these chemicals really are.  Someone like myself, who is very in touch and in tune with her body, knows instantaneously when there has been a serious biochemical change in my brain.  One of the biggest problems in Western society is how out of touch with our bodies we really our, and antidepressants both depend on that for their success, as well as exacerbate the problem.  We would rather feel the chemicals separating us from reality than the raw emotional data that makes us human (and fully alive).  The only time when the use of antidepressants is acceptable is when the pain is overwhelming (ie, when someone is suicidal, or pretty darned close).  Other than that, health professionals should be addressing the source of the pain, not the symptomology.  But all these MD's and therapists are so eager to prove they can help (they can't; the patient is the primary agent of healing, which is another misconception in the so-called healing professions), that they write out prescriptions for chemical quick fixes which only serves to deepen the patient's denial mechanism regarding the source of the pain.  Not coincidentally, it disempowers the patient from the healing process, turning them into co-dependant addicts on chemicals, and the pharmaceutical industry gets another cash cow, while the doctors all congratulate themselves when their patients gush about how much better they feel. 

Unfortunately, and having been fighting to rid anti-depressants from my body now for over two weeks, I can speak authoritatively: anti-depressants don't solve or cure anything.  They only allow you to mask or deny, or better yet, separate you from what you truly feel, and present a bland, acceptable facade to the world.  This actually is the perfect drug for Western society, where we have strong egos, but a weak sense of authentic self or soul.  For anti-depressants nurture the ego (or mask that we present to the world) while locking away the self in a closet.  When I am on anti-depressants, I notice that I feel keenly that I am separated from my soul (of course if I were your typical average American, I wouldn't even know what it felt like to be in touch with my soul, so it wouldn't be any big loss.  This is why most Americans are totally oblivious to the poisonous effects of anti-depressants).  Instead, I feel a duality in myself.  I am aware of my feelings deep down inside, but they are buried so deep in a well that they don't penetrate except as an echo to what is going on consciously.  Instead the mask of the ego takes over, and lies, lies, lies.  Of course, because I am aware of the duality, I am aware that I am lying, but I can't reach the anti-dote which is to get back in touch with the deep self or soul.  When I am heavily influenced by these anti-depressants (as opposed to trying to detox them from my body), I am amused to see the difference between the ego I present to the world, which other people experience, and the true feelings that I am aware of, but cannot access.  Indeed, I feel evil because I am aware of how much of a lie I am presenting to the world as I manipulate my own self-presentation.  And as in true evil, I have no guilt or feelings of remorse, just slight amusement at how easy it is to manipulate others with a lie.  To be evil, you have to be a spiritual person.  That is why living the lie that anti-depressants provide is so destructive to me, and my body and psyce rejects it so vehemently.  Most people who get hooked into anti-depressants have no relationship or awareness of their spiritual self.  They are just full of infantile neediness, resentment and jealousy, and they know they can't function in the world with those burdens so they just drown them out with chemicals, rather than engage in the true healing process of coming to a mature and spiritual confession and awareness of them.  The only problem is that along with all the negative, immature feelings, they stifle all the truly liberating and uplifting feelings as well---love, beauty, joy.  That is why people on anti-depressants just seem flat and uninspired, indeed stifled.  They also are easily manipulated by the prince of lies in all his manifestatons, because they are daily living out a lie.  As for me, anti-depressants not only stifle my rage (which I think is a quite justified feeling); they also stifle my love and joy.  Normally, I realize, I am full of caritas--benevolent, spirtual love, in my dealings with others.  I passionately care about people.  When I am on anti-depressants, I don't care.  I really don't care about anything, but especially other people.  Like I told someone when I was heavily doped up---"You know, I just don't give a fuck," and I don't.  This is why my saves rates slips so dramatically when I am on anti-depressants.  Normally when I talk to people on the phone, I am deeply engaged in connecting with them on a deep level.  In short, I care.  When I am doped up, the glib words come out of my mouth, but my soul is disengaged from any attempt at relationship.  Sure, I'm not going to get angry, but no I'm not going to care one bit, either.  Feelings are connected to the soul more than thoughts, and the Western penchant for manipulating and controlling feelings is just another indication of our uneasiness with soul.  That is why we live in such a soulless society and are so susceptible to lies, and that is exactly what my tormentors would prefer to see in me---someone they can use.  But I don't believe the lies that they do, whether it has to do with Roman Catholic dogma (the Christian Church is directly responsible for the mass exodus of truly spirtual people from institutional religion), or this government's credo that Americans are more special than the rest of the world (therefore torture, war, and economic exploitation are all okay, as long as it is done to "further American interests").  It is never okay to treat someone as an object, without their consent, unless they are a danger to themselves or others, and this is the source of my resentment and rage, and all the anti-depressants in the world will not make it go away.  It will just make it go deep down inside while I smile on the outside and tell you what you want to hear--in other words, join the lying flock of sheep. 

I refuse, and my refusal is costing me dearly.  I do not feel well today at all as I struggle to detox myself from their poisonous shit.  My body literally feels like I am recuperating from a long illness, I am suffering from yet another headache that has been plaguing me (I've gone through more Excedrin in the past two weeks than I have gone through in the last 6 months--I'm popping them like M&M's in an attempt to stave off the pain and tension), and my eyesight is all weird ( a sure sign something is wrong with my thyroid/hormones).  I don't care if I go in a coma.  I would rather die, than live out a lie, and feel myself become alienated and evil, something they would never understand, either because they don't understand the reality of the spirit and soul, or because they have sold out their spirit and soul to the lie that is the institutional dogma.

Friday, November 18, 2005

How I Lost My Groove Again

Well, obviously clearing my body of this poisonous shit is going to be a process, since in an attempt to get my body back on track, I went back to my homopathic doctor and they gave me tainted medicine.  I can taste it, I can feel it (I'm so sick of having palpitations and funny nerve sensations all over my body).  Most of all I am pissed over how it affects my work performance.  I'm too dull and depressed and unfocussed to work well, so my saves rate suffers badly and that means a crappy paycheck next month.  I'm also upset because I can't wear pants that I could wear two weeks ago, and I feel just yucky all over.  I'm so angry at being put in such a fucked up state, I want to hit or break something, but I tell myself "stay cool."  These people who are doing this to you (and I include my roommate in this) don't have a clue who you are or what motivates you or how to heal you.  The only problem is that the people who do know me, love me, and could motivate and/or heal me are prevented from relating to me.  But hey, I've been here before---the entire time I lived under my father's authority.  I survived his ignorance and abuse, and I will survive theirs.  I will just do what I am good at when faced with abuse I can't confront---withdraw into my room and live in my head.  In the meantime though, I got to get clear of these fucking meds.  I can't stand what they are doing to my body.  Obviously this night is a fucking waste, but tomorrow I have to try to start living again.  I guess I could always go out and join the land of the living dead---go watch TV or go to church, but instead I got to go find some kind of thyroid supplement that my body can take without making me suicidal or homicidal, or even worse, just one of the dull, half alive zombies, afraid and unable to live life to the full.  I know what I need to do this upcoming week.....

Thursday, November 17, 2005

How Tita Got Her Groove Back

I was able to go to the gym and work out last night for the first time in over two weeks.  I came home feeling like a human being again---finally capable of doing something physically demanding with my body, instead of laying around, unable to do anything, except lay in my own mental fog.  I tried to imagine what goes through my persecutors' heads as I struggled to understand what could motivate people to poison someone who is so obviously healthy with anti-depressants.  I thought of Dubya, and the posts I've been reading about him being a dry drunk who replaced alcohol with exercise-aholism, and I wondered if I were using exercise as an addiction.  After last night I can answer genuinely, "no."  Now, admittedly, I exercise more than I would if I were healthy.  But my back demands yoga 3+ times a week (and besides I really enjoy the physical/spiritual connection), and because of my weight (which has increased dramatically in the last two and half weeks), I have to push myself to work out harder and longer than I normally would.  I think if I were healthy and happy about my weight, I would only do cardio exercise a couple of times a week, and only for about an hour or little more.  But as I felt myself sweat out two weeks of inactivity, I realized that physical exercise is necessary to balance out the human body and psyche.  I have always been a physical person, and experience joy when I am physical (fine, be a cynic and call them biochemical endorphins).  But the bottom line is that kind of chemical is natural and healthy, and people wouldn't be needing the fake shit if they were producing that on their own.  We human beings are physical beings and we are meant to exercise our bodies.  As a kid, I never went to the gym, because I was outside working everyday, including my two mile paper route that I walked every morning.  But as I got to be an adult in an urban setting, I needed a place to be physical again, and that is why gyms are important.  I sit at a desk all day long.  My body craves some kind of physical movement--even if its on a mechanical device.  No wonder this society is so fat and unhealthy---we do not exercise our physical bodies anymore.  I saw a youth working out last night that was in pain from overexercising, but he was young and healthy and his body could handle it, and all I could think of is this is how a youth should prove his manhood--pushing his body to the limit, not slugging 60 proof alcohol or driving like a moron or being an x-box champion.  Now, maybe Dubya is an exercis-aholic, but I think he just replaced one form of denial with another---in this case the whole messed up, macho view of the world and human/political relations.  His exercise is probably the most healthy element in his life......I know that it feels good to have my physical life back.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Slowly clearing my system of poison

Well, thanks to SLI & CO, and the MD they have now recruited into their cabal, I've lost two weeks of my life to depression, lethargy, mental fog, and weight gain.  Because I need my thyroid medication, I have kept trying to experiment to see what they have poisoned--in short, everything.  I'm still clearing the shit out of my system, and I am having serious energy issues in the afternoon, when the OTC thyroid glandular I take is running out.  I don't trust these people at all.  I know they are fully capable of poisoning the water that I drink.  At this point they are desperate.  They have years of abuse under their belt, and they are desperately seeking some kind of justification for what they have done to me.  Well all they need to do is read Dostoyeski's chapter on the Grand Inquisitor, and they can count themselves among the legion, and growing number of religionists who abuse others in the misguided, idolatrous notion that God gives them power over another's body.  Wrong.

The only person who has power over my body is me, and I will make my choices, and you can abuse me and prevent me from making them, but you won't ever get me to cooperate with you.  I choose to have sex with an HIV positive person, and while that is a life endangering choice, it is MY choice and I have already agonized, prayed, and cried over it, and I enter it willingly and ably.  I will never choose to have your poison enter my body.  You can sneak it into me, and I will know, just as sure as my body wisdom would tell me if I were ingesting arsenic.  I also know by the way it turns me into a fat lazy slug who craves sugar to try to feel energetic and alive.  I didn't even know my roommate was on anti-depressants until a couple of days ago, but I knew by the way she was totally oblivious to reality around her and needed to escape reality through about 8+ hours of TV watching a day, that she was seriously depressed.  I still don't watch TV when I am on anti-depressants, but I can't concentrate on anything--not even surfing the Web.  I might as well be watching TV.  I can't even concentrate on my work.  I remember how drastically my saves rate dropped while I was under the influence of the poison---from 54% to 13%.  I look around and I can tell when people are on anti-depressant medication.  They just don't have any motivation, any self-iniative, no desire to live life to thefullest, and that is where SLI & co want me.  They can control me that way, and that is McNamara's deepest desire.  The man is nothing but a spiritual egoist, power-tripping, control freak.  But he's got a lot of power, and he has involved other powerful people in the mix, and my body scars bear witness to that.  What you don't have, assholes, and you never will is my free will or respect.  I despise you and everything that you stand for, and I will fight and fight and fight until one day I am free of you, and your misogynistic, homophobic, sex-hating poison.

As for me, I have to struggle to get back to where I was 3 weeks ago--in peak health, happy, energetic, and losing fat weight.  I have to force myself to go work out, even though my energy levels are abnormally low, and I can't stand to look at my body to see how much fat I gained while these pigs pulled their experiment on me, just as surely as if I were a lab rat.  Anger doesn't help though.  It's probably going to take me another  couple of months to regain my physical, emotional, and psychological equilibrium.  I just have to take it one day at a time

Tuesday, November 8, 2005

Well, slowly I am clearing out the dope from my system---and paying in my body for the lack of thyroid.  It is acceptable for now, since I can't stand to be high, but it is depressing to realize that I am going to be suffering from poor sleep and digestion again.  Even the texture of skin on my face has become more coarse.  But the prime concern is my mental health, and I can't function when I'm high like that.  I hate it. 

I also hate the fact that the SLI & Co is able to mess with my much needed medications, but I realized last night after getting hooked into a conversation with one of their nuns that I am involved in a losing battle getting involved emotionally in whatever way with those people.  McNamara and his whole community is founded and built on the principles of spiritual and psychological abuse, and they have much more power, clout and resources than me.  I am like a child and teenager in my dysfunctional family once more.  I outlived one abusive father, and I can outlive another.  I keep trying to figure out the best way to break free...as an adolescent, all I could do was wait for my father to die.  Is that all I can do here? 

One thing I can NOT do---which I did yesterday, when I was so mired in the deep depression caused by the dope--is allow myself to be angry.  Somehow, I have to transform this anger into some kind of positive action.  Jesus says "love your enemies," and Thich Nhat Hanh and the Buddhists would say to have compassion on them.  I guess if I think on it enough, that is possible.  After all, what kind of fear and lack of freedom impels one to try to control and manipulate another's spiritual choices?  The SLI, as well as religious fundamentalists of every stripe aren't holy.  They worship an idol of their psychological projection created by neediness and fear.  Now I am needy and I have fears, but I look to address those issues in reality, not by creating a bad ass father in the sky who then gives me a mission to coerce others into my beliefs.  I do need a sexual partner to complete me.  I can live without such a sexual partner but not fully, and not joyfully.  Something is missing.  I am afraid.  I am afraid of powertrippers and liars of every stripe (maybe this is why I let the abuse of SLI get to me---they have perfected the art of powertripping and hypocritical lying to an exquisitely high degree and cast over it all with a cloak of psuedo-spirituality (aka idolatry), that they sometimes name and justify by a more desciptive name---dogma.  I have to turn such fear into productive action, which is kind of hard when I'm monitored and prevented from free action on every side.  I can't even take the medication I need to get energetic and healthy, without them substituting their poison in it.  Even as I write, I'm suffering from stomach pain caused by stopped digestion.  But that's okay.  Pain I can deal with; a drugged up condition, I cannot.  If hypothyroidism is indicative of people who have stymied their self-expression, then they will pay a high price for swapping out my thyroid meds.  I will express myself every which way I know how, and get myself back on track naturally.

I'm just still debating over how best to do it.  But I think I know where to start

Monday, November 7, 2005

Doped up!

Yes, I am doped up again....sigh.  I missed another whole day from work after slowly reclaiming my body back from poisoned status over the weekend.  At least I know now what is causing my problem.  I felt fine this morning, ready to go to work, when all of a sudden it hit me---the feeling of being high to the point of incapacity,  It got steadily worse for a couple of hours, and then I slept most of the morning.  Finally, I got up and starting pouring down as much cranberry juice and mineral water as my stomach literally can stand.  Mentally, I feel a little better---able to concentrate a bit better, and keep my eyes open, instead of being ridden by the heavy darkness that kept calling me out to sleep and dream, but physically I still feel like I'm high.  Because I'm constipated again (a sure sign that its my thyroid glandular that they have swapped out with their poison), I went and bought an over the counter version.  I'm certain that it won't be as good as what I got from Dr. Philips, but at least I can try to get some kind of thyroid supplementation which I need.  I've decided to quit taking all my meds, and forget about doctors.  I don't trust them.  The whole medical industry is based on turning this society into a bunch of addicts---and one of the worst addictions they have needlessy created is this dependency on anti-depressants, which I am pretty sure is what I have been doped with during the past week or so.  I'm sure most people love this feeling of being high and out of touch with reality.  It is so much more easy to be passive and unfocussed, with one's disengaged emotions passing for serenity. Of course, the reason my emotions are disengaged is not because of lofty spiritual elevation that enlightens the mundane(though I honestly believe that a lot of religious seekers falsely aim for this), but rather that I am disengaged from the presence of reality, period.  I have no anger---neither at the abusive spiritual rapists who did this to me, nor towards any other indication of injustice.  In this condition, if I saw a woman or child getting beat up, I would just lightly walk away, ensconced in my private Idaho that I'm certain everyone would share, if they would just take the dope the good docors and priests and pastors want to feed us.  If I felt like this every day, I would never want to work, or exercise, or read, or anything, but just sit around and watch TV all day, eating chocolate (oh yeah, the body craves some of that white sugar to gives one's enervated, listless, slug-body a boost of energy and feeling of life.  I supposed if I wanted to be a tranquilized zombie like most of America (oh, and then I would be so much more amenable to the lies that the government, the churches, and corporations want us to imbibe), my life would be so much easier and I would fit in so much better.  But no, I prefer reality, however painful or harsh.  I prefer people who fight against injustice, rather than the ones who just passively swallow the Kool-Aid.  And that is what I was given today---and for the past week---massive dosages of Kool-Aid.  Yuck!  Trying to get it out of my system, just like that dose of Kool-Aid I just took from a SLI nun pretending to be littledebiechic.  Yuck!  Sometimes I despair that I will ever break free of those doped up religious nuts.  I wish I could talk to someone who loves me. But the most important thing right now is to start detoxing my body of this physical poison that is in it

Sunday, November 6, 2005

laughing and mad at the same time

Well, I can't believe it.  The Catholic thought police have gotten into my computer and installed a parental control software package on it--CGuard.  It is running in stealth mode, but I found it when it was hanging up the computer.  They also have completely removed my Word from the computer, along with all associated file, including the chatlog that I had saved on a Word document.  They have set my Windows startup so that I cannot save any setting changes (I have insufficient security rights!!).  In other words they have only acted out on the implicit assumption that they have had for me for years---that I am a child, totally under their domination and control.

What made them so mad?  First of all, I recognized immediately their attempt to dope me up again, without my knowledge of course.  It made me immediately ill.  These psychological hacks and control freaks can't recognize that, unlike them, I enjoy being psychologically healthy.  I don't want to be doped up with dysfunction or half lives like them.   I want to be fully alive, healthy and whole, and sexually active.

Then there was the erotic picture I downloaded that I truly enjoyed as a background desktop icon.  Now that is gone, and I see that the Cguard prevents any image being captured as a permanent screenshot image. 

Finally, I actually dared to speak with someone on the Internet, who I actually enjoyed talking to--someone who makes me feel like a human being, a real person, instead of the objectified thing that the SLI & Co. do, everytime they try to approach me behind their anonymous screen names.  I can recognize a hateful twit, a smarmy bastard, a controlling misogynist within about 3 minutes of conversation.  I can even recognize their individual personalities, just as surely as they don't have a clue about mine.  Oh, but they don't need to relate---they hide behind their habits (with the veil of course), Roman collars, and doctorate degrees.

Fortunately, I'm not the kind of person who gets attatched to anything---not even my own writing or chats, so I laugh that these people think that erasing images and words from my computer is going to erase my preferences and feelings.  Do the hate that you want.  You can't stop me from being a horny lesbian waiting for the day I get laid, and you can't stop me from loving who I love.  You are just jealous that someone else besides your pathetic, dysfunctional, warped selves can actually motivate and inspire me.  This time, though, your actions are going to backfire.  You just about have put me in a position where I have nothing to lose.  I think I know my next step--I'm thinking and praying about it.  But no matter what my next step, I want you to know that you failed.  Your attempts to starve me from love and communication and self expression will not work.  I just about have removed the dope from my system that you put in, and I am feeling stronger and clearer and more free than I have in a very long time.  You can make me suffer, but you can't make me sell out to the same idolatry you have.  Bye bye you bloody bastards.