Well, slowly I am clearing out the dope from my system---and paying in my body for the lack of thyroid.  It is acceptable for now, since I can't stand to be high, but it is depressing to realize that I am going to be suffering from poor sleep and digestion again.  Even the texture of skin on my face has become more coarse.  But the prime concern is my mental health, and I can't function when I'm high like that.  I hate it. 

I also hate the fact that the SLI & Co is able to mess with my much needed medications, but I realized last night after getting hooked into a conversation with one of their nuns that I am involved in a losing battle getting involved emotionally in whatever way with those people.  McNamara and his whole community is founded and built on the principles of spiritual and psychological abuse, and they have much more power, clout and resources than me.  I am like a child and teenager in my dysfunctional family once more.  I outlived one abusive father, and I can outlive another.  I keep trying to figure out the best way to break free...as an adolescent, all I could do was wait for my father to die.  Is that all I can do here? 

One thing I can NOT do---which I did yesterday, when I was so mired in the deep depression caused by the dope--is allow myself to be angry.  Somehow, I have to transform this anger into some kind of positive action.  Jesus says "love your enemies," and Thich Nhat Hanh and the Buddhists would say to have compassion on them.  I guess if I think on it enough, that is possible.  After all, what kind of fear and lack of freedom impels one to try to control and manipulate another's spiritual choices?  The SLI, as well as religious fundamentalists of every stripe aren't holy.  They worship an idol of their psychological projection created by neediness and fear.  Now I am needy and I have fears, but I look to address those issues in reality, not by creating a bad ass father in the sky who then gives me a mission to coerce others into my beliefs.  I do need a sexual partner to complete me.  I can live without such a sexual partner but not fully, and not joyfully.  Something is missing.  I am afraid.  I am afraid of powertrippers and liars of every stripe (maybe this is why I let the abuse of SLI get to me---they have perfected the art of powertripping and hypocritical lying to an exquisitely high degree and cast over it all with a cloak of psuedo-spirituality (aka idolatry), that they sometimes name and justify by a more desciptive name---dogma.  I have to turn such fear into productive action, which is kind of hard when I'm monitored and prevented from free action on every side.  I can't even take the medication I need to get energetic and healthy, without them substituting their poison in it.  Even as I write, I'm suffering from stomach pain caused by stopped digestion.  But that's okay.  Pain I can deal with; a drugged up condition, I cannot.  If hypothyroidism is indicative of people who have stymied their self-expression, then they will pay a high price for swapping out my thyroid meds.  I will express myself every which way I know how, and get myself back on track naturally.

I'm just still debating over how best to do it.  But I think I know where to start