Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Fucking goddamned psychotropics started again

Fucking goddamned psychotropics started again---barely able to function all day. cant keep my eyes open. hurts to get stimuli. I recognize now my brain stem strangulation that is what is happening. Oh did i mention my new personal best 209 FUCKING POUNDS geez thanx fucking goddamned assholes . how many fucking times do you gtotta fucking near kill me? how manyu fucking pounds do i have to fucking gain before yuo fucking underastand that the goddamnbed psychotropic drugs are fucking me up. YOU STUPID GODDAMEND ASSHOLES GET OUT OF MY LIFE. spent most of my dam om bed imab;e tpf fimction think tomorrow will be same. so fucking pissed off

More interesting dreams

More interesting dreams but I can't find the sheet of paper I wrote it down on! I am struggling to stay focused when these goddamned implants just drug me up and drag me down. All of my energy is just shot--I keep hoping something will stimulate me but they won't. Really struggling just to do the simple things.

Friday, March 27, 2009

...And so the brain hacks continue

...And so the brain hacks continue. I woke up last night realizing that once again, Vatican/Nazi/Opus Dei/CIA operatives were trying to hack into my brain and force dream imagery. Don't these pathetic spawn realize that after years of sophisticated dream awareness and analysis, I recognize the real thing from the ersatz? Apparently not, because they keep trying. The most frustrating thing about it, is that such a brain state prevents me from REAL, AUTHENTIC, TRUE contact with my unconscious, the collective unconscious, and the numinous. As a matter of fact, an authentic and healthy dream life might be a dying gift. I am certain that NASA, the space station, and HAARP already are able to manipulate our dreams with superimposed images, to a limited extent already (I strongly suspect such a similar mass manipulation of the unconscious is how somebody as emotionally flat and spiritually deadened as Barack Obama got a rep for being "charismatic"--though the man does know how to front the cool, and I am sure the NLP mind control tricks that he used and the media complicity really helped too). Really, that topic deserves an essay all of its own, but the bottom line is that he is not in control of the power, and had Hillary or John McCain won, they would be in the same constraints that Obama is, so as big a target as the POTUS is, I can't be distracted from fighting evil at the source. I cannot imagine a greater threat than that of being able to manipulate the unconscious of millions, for we are not, in our evolutionary present, equipped with defenses against evil "unconscious invasion" (we have a chance against a conscious invasion by evil, having spent three or four millenia developing tools in our conscious arsenal. The only tool that I have been able to use in the fight against forced unconscious, dream state "hacking" is faith. Somehow, even in my sleep, I know that I am under demonic or evil assault, and I will force myself to wake up, usually praying, talking in tongues, or as in last night, quoting Scripture. Somehow I felt that "3/24" was being forcibly imprinted on my unconscious (I believe it refers to a dream I had on 3.24). In my dream, I said to myself, "I will counter that with 3:16", meaning, of course, the classic Johannine kerygmatic proclamation of faith in Jesus Christ. While I personally have faith in Jesus Christ to help me persevere against and overcome evil, the key element is faith, which those from any multitude of faith positions and traditions can embrace and claim. But the faith has got to be STRONG. In closing, I must say that I am feeling better. My mind is no longer reduced to just reacting to my environment. I am starting to be able to think again--though not with the facility that I enjoyed before. Even as I am writing this, my mind is realizing how desperately my claims need a foundation. I am tired though (all that excessive drugging just makes me sleepy), so maybe later. Of course, if TPTB follow their normal tradition, as soon as I start to feel a little better, then it is time for a new unleashing of drugs. Maybe this fatigue and increasing brain fog is the beginning of their renewed torture. Have faith, Tita.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Misery continues

Misery continues--the dream I had about Opus Dei trying another avenue has been vindicated. I do suspect that I am being stalked online again by
one of their great front men(at least in my circumstances) Dave Denny. What a total creep and waste of wanna be manhood! Of course, he pulls the same old trick he always does--assuming the screen name of someone who I really do truly and deeply like, admire, and trust--in this case, "rlasvagas" hoping I will chat with him. . I can't prove it for certainty because, unlike in previous years, I no longer try to prove my hypothesis by taking the bait. It is very easy to detect Dave Denny--anal-retentive, narrow-minded, arrogant and "superior" and not at all the kind of person who I enjoy talking with. The thought that I spent two years trying to get that man to relate to me like a human being blows my mind--I was all discombabulated from the UFO abductions; otherwise I would have recognized immediately that this man has a personality and faith orienation much different than my own. Why am I wasting my time now on this guy? Becaise I pick up that Opus Dei is trying a new tactic, and denny and the entire SLI are involved in the latest operation. So I check out what is going with them. I am not going to blow their cover (and God knows they finally are really engaging religious life reality instead of constructing and living out the stupid fantasies they built up over the years. So to that extent I will wish them well).
However I am miserable and frustrated, trying to explain myself over and over and ovcer and over and over and over agin. Get out of my life, goddamn it! My reality is not yours. I know that you enjoy violating my privacy (indeed you are the goddamned rapist scoundrels who initiated it all), and listening in on my dreams. But guess what? You and your type of faith life and committment are not part of the new reality that I catch glimpses of. I am interested in a change in deep spirituality--one that dumps everything you hold dear--dogma, celibacy, obedience to patriarchal assholes such as yourself. I am seeing more and more clearly how to live out such a new spirituality and faith--it is just that I cannot do so because I am so goddamned sick with the psychotropic drugs that you force down my throat all the time. All I can do is endure. Endure the latest psychotropic drug which again is causing weight gain (God, how much am I going to weigh before I get free of these sons of bitches), and a miserable stomach. Endure the goddamned migraine headache that I went to bed with and woke up with. Endure the back pain and muscle spasms, especially since I don't think I will be going to yoga anymore, since yoga now has become a place of biochemical dumps and sheer hell on the mat. I have to struggle thru life, miserable with drugs and bloat, and in constant fucking pain---no I am not even going to play any games with you Denny. Go jerk off or find some dimwit nun to play your authoritarian mind games with--quit playing your stupid ass games with me. I resent it, with every ounce of my tortured, mistreated, violated being.
PS. I should also mention that my only interest in Vatican/Catholic Church history and dynamics right now, is to help me figure out the aetiology of the incarnate evil that now threatens all of humankind, and yep, some of them ecclesiastical big boys were/are big boys and big hitters for the cause of evil. When I am healthy again, when I get my life, my sexuality, and my spirituality back again, I hope to reveal it all. For now I am covering up from the unrelenting kicks and lashes I get from you and your colleagues. All i can do except reiterate agan, "GET OUT OF MY LIFE!"

Monday, March 23, 2009

Woke up feeling like shit

Woke up feeling like shit --that is the norm now, and has been for the last 3 1/2 years. I understand why now. I am suffering from migraines even though they do not arise from their normal origins--which I used to have a couple times a month. NOw I wake up with them, go to sleep with them, and it is just a matter of how bad they are as to whether or not I am capable of functioning. Right now, I am borderline functional. I had to turn off my radio (couldn't stand the noise) and my blinds are down to keep the sun out. Even so, my eyes are slits because I can't stand sensory input. So to what honor do I owe all this constant pain and suffering? Excessive glutamate and aspartic acid (aspartme). I will write it all out as soon as I am functional again, but today I am not functional, and the brain cannot think to make the connections. It is so damned infuratiating. I have known for years that MSG is a surefire migraine trigger for me, and I consciously read food packages before purchase. I have given up most prepared foods, and in the case of Ramen noodles, throw away the flavor packet, and just use soy sauce for flavor. I have given up my once insatiable appetite for Chinese food (some places use MSG and some don't, but every time I come down with a migraine after eating Chinese food, I lose more appetite for it). So imagine my furious dismay to realize all my efforts to avoid glutamate have been constantly undermined by the excessive glutamate put in my system by the biochemical dumps initiated by the implants. Why is this so painful for me? Because I already have excessive glutamate in my brain, as a result of the autism in my brain, so the extra glutamate added onto the excessive glutamate acts as an excitotoxin--keyword TOXIN. When the dump is heavy, it literally is killing hundreds of neurons in my brain which is why I have lost so much of my brain function (I am increasingly worried about my memory loss--it is getting to be dysfucntional--I cannot remember anything about mundane details unless I write it down). It is what causes the severe pain and even seizures. When the glutamate presence is lighter, it causes the "dry"migraine (no physical pain, just tender scalp, and inability to process sensory information-the "dragging through life, "can I please just die" synfrome). Last night they nitiated the dump through other, more original means (not thru the implants, I think), because I suffered from the same high anxiety and "brain rushes" that I remember experiencing in the earliest days of my psychotropic drug torture. It doesn't matter--what matters is the end result--toxic levels of glutamate for my system. I am not like most people who just get hyperactive and a manageable headache with it--that is how I am normally, when I am healthy. No, what is happening is excessive glutamate added on to excessive glutamate, and it is poisoning and killing my brain.
On that note, I have to say that the nerve damage in my left leg is increasing as well. Now I not only suffer constandt nerve pain in my thight, it has gone down to my knee, up to my hips, glutes, and even groin area. amd for all this, I can't gget one little bit of pain meds. Just more goddamned poison.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

And so the pain continues--my left leg is

And so the pain continues--my left leg is sore all the up from the shin to the hip. Even my groin area is suffering from nerve pain now. I know there is no respite--the people who are doing this to me don't care if I am paralyzed or in pain for the rest of my life--as a matter of fact they think they would dervie pleasure from it--only to find it an empty satisfaction, as are all the satisfactions of those who service satan.
I can't do anything about the pain. I can't even get pain meds or sleeping pills. They had a really enjoyable night watching me writhe in agonizing pain over whatever they tampered my meds with.
The question is, can I stop them from abducting me? Have they figured out how to hack into my brain? I don't know if I have been abducted two nites in a row, but I am over 90% certain I was abducted nite before last. However, I will pray this, though, that even in an abduction scenario, I don't give away my secrets, my hypotheses, anything that these forces of evil can use to enslave and torment the human race, as I now am enslaved and tormented. And even though I am in severe pain, and very worried about the constant nerve damage being done to my legs (am I ever going to be able to walk normally again?), I am confident in Christ, that even my hostaged unconscious will not betray the grounds for a hopeful future. I rmember reading some book by a Black woman once--Maya Angelou or somebody, and the young mother confided in her mother that she was afraid that she would roll over in her sleep and crush her newborn baby who shared her bed. The mother/grandmother replied that as long as her heart was truly centered on the infant's well being, then even her unconscious actions in sleep would only nurture, and not harm her baby, and she could sleep in peace kknowing that. That is what I have to pray for, and honestly think that I will receive the grace to fulfill. After all, the image of jp2, whoever or whatever was behind it, didn't get my secrets. Got to go to bed praying for I see no end to my torment in sight--not as long as these goddamned implants are in my body, and their minions can come into my house at will...

Interesting dream last nite

Interesting dream last nite--once again I think Opus Dei is trying to brainwash me into their fold. I guess some of them are all worried now about the state of the Church (a little late for that--their conservaatism has a been a key part of the problems and steps leading up to the mess). Well, if you are part of the problem, you can't be trusted to be a key player in the solution. That, of course, is me speaking rationally. So let me bring my emotions into it. NO FUCKING WAY! I haven't lost years of my life to suffering, pain and misery for nothing. I haven't laid awake at nite, sobbing from the unrelenting pain for nothing. I haven't had my humanity stripped from me tthrough false incarceration, manipulation of intimate relationships, and job harassment and unemployment for nothing. I don't suffer from permanent brain damage done by years of force fed psychotropic drugs for nothing. I have not gained over 50 pounds and been turned into a beached whale over the last three and a half years as a side result of those psychotropic drugs, for nothing. I am not walking around in chronic pain with neuropathic legs that often no longer listen to my brain's commands, constant fatigue and attention deficit disorder, tender head and headaches, and autistic sensory overstimulation caused by the ongoing speed I am force fed, for nothing. For any and all Opus Dei people all I can do is recommend you to the gospels in order to develop a personal experience and relationship with the Risen Christ, and to St. Paul, for you are followers of the Law (albeit a Christian Law), and not the Spirit. This is why you can participate in some of the most torturous, barbaric actions and decisions that I, as a naive, idealistic, young Catholic Christian, would not have believed. But I learn fast and I learn thoroughly. Go fish for a brainwashed support somewhere else. I follow The Fisherman, and I know his disciples and you are not of them.
Last nite I dreamed that I was taken to a space station where the inhabitants took out one violating implant that they had put in me through my vaginal cavity, and implanted another!!
Int: I know Opus Dei is working with aliens (and the Nazi branch of the CIA which also has the most evil of associations with diabolical aliens). There is an ongoing question in my head that I try to answer--is there one alien faction at all, that if not angelic, is at least benevolent to us human beings? Or, as above, as in down below--you support the lesser of two evils? Of one fact I am certain, whoever is implanting me is violating my spiritual sanctuary (through my sexual orifice--I never have time to elaborate on it, but sexuality and spirituality are completely intertwined). They do not act as "angels" of God-- who gave us humans the power of free will; rather they attempt to force their will upon me through chemicals and implants. I may not be free to live as me, and worship my God, but I reject Satan and all his works, lies and empty promises. Sorry Opus Dei--I'm certain some of you are well intentioned but that is who you are serving.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Nonfunction with muscle pain and migraine

Nonfunction with muscle pain and migraine symptomology after a nite of sheer hellish pain and full body seizures.
Where to start? For the past two orrr three days i have been suffering from severe edema, weight gain, and the nerve pain that that weight causes. i sttruggle to do the best i can and nite before last took some painkillers to help sleep. i was abducted in my sleep. i know because i have a new telltale scooped indentation in my leg. sure sign. that nite I dreamed that I was in this leaky old bldg with both popes JP@ and ratzinger. jp2 was hale and hearty. he was trying to tell me, "tell me the truth about ratzinger" i knew though that the room was completely and overwhemingly bugged. no privacy. so i sent a note to jp2 telling him that i would try to tell him when things were more private. that evil satanic whelp ratzinger was looking on the entire time. well now i am awake. id dont need to say things in code. Ratzinger is evil, pure evil, and antiChrist on the throne of Peter. and he is making quite successful alliances with very pwerful peple includingthe highest ranking members of our govtr. so how much more clear can i getd> you dont need to abduct me. just as=me str8 out.
thne yesterday really struggled with the nerve pain and edema. i cant even ride my bike wo pain. GD motherfuckers have put speed paaste on the bike so i can only ride for short distances beore i havce ot turn back. it is as tho they dont want me to have a moment enjoyment or rest. went to yoga, and they downloaded their shit so that by the end of class i felt worst thatn when i came in. my back hurt so bad from spasming muscles in corpse that i wanted to cry. things got worse and as soon as i walked in door i took half vicodin---becausing i have so few, and drank some whiskey. fucking assholes have put something in whiskey that makes it irritate esophagus and stomac. i dont drink for alered state. i drink just to stop the goddamned pain i am in all the time. went to bed. body started sezing. seized twice. woke up nonfuction with drugs. cant open eyes. every muscle hurts even deep bicep hurts even barely using it. God help me. so sick of this shit.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Functional, with heavy edema

Functional, with heavy edema. I think I have figured out that when I am mentally functional, I suffer from severe edema--swollen wrists, ankles, and even feet to the point of looking monstrous. But the worst edema is in my legs, which puts so much pressure on my nerve ganglia that it is painful to sit, and I can't walk, but only hobble as I try to move the legs that are nerve deadened by the edema. On top of it all, I am in back pain--whether from spending the last two days in bed or because of the edema (the edema also bloats out my belly badly, giving me the "pregnant" look), and pushing out my back muscles to try to protect it. I need yoga class badly tonite, so much so that I will not go to the library and look at the job classifieds (which I also need to do), because I know some idiot will be there spewing poison on me or flipping a switch. At least I made some enchiladas--true to form, whenever I have a break from the dysfunction caused by the drug abuse, I try to cook, clean house and pay bills because God knows what I will be like for the rest of the week. I am not that good today, but compared to being so sick that I could not get out of bed, I guess it is a good day--at least in the years since I have lost my human status and became a slave of the satanic NWO and their puppets.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Sick to the point of unbearable

Sick to the point of unbearable--slept all day yesterday too drugged to even eat--just drank apple juice. today i can get out of bed and even managed to drive to lowes to aget some water. cant stand tap water whn i am sick. ev ery muscle in my body hurts--ribs hips, knees quad back neck. It hurts just to stand my rib muscles dont want to hold me up. too sick to think to read to function. dry migraine. I ask myself what is the purpose of this suffering--to make me holy ha ha ha, to break me to be a moronic puppet of evil--I know that that is in vogue right now but aint never gonna happen. Too sick to work. that I do know. cant function

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Nauseated after a nite of psychic rape

Nauseated after a nite of psychic rape--TPTB finally have found a way to successfully hack into my brain. Unfortunately for them, they have not figured out a way to leave out their satanic footprint. For some reason, they are trying to convince me that I am having a numinous dream about Jesus, when I, after years of having authentic numinous dreams and knowing how you feel when you wake up, know that waking up sick and nauseated and drugged and groaning is not a numinous dream at all. Also, no presence of God. I am guessing that TPTB are attempting to manipulate me into cooperation with a massive luciferian deception foisted onto an unwitting public. I won't cooperate. They are quite successful in their attempts to manipulate and isolate me. They have successfully destroyed my spiritual life and my once upbeat emotional equilibrium, but I will not cooperate with evil--not that hard to do when I am so drugged up most of the time that I can barely function.
I have to fight back. I have to inform people somehow of what satanic deception feels like--in short, it feels like shit. It's a tall order for someone who is so constantly drugged and sick that I cant even clean my house.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

How messed up am I?

How messed up am I? My neighbor in our duplex had a guest who was stabbed this morning, and while I heard the commotion, I slept all through it. It's as if I am on some kind of drug that just turns me into an emotional zombie. Physically I am not doing so well either. 3 days ago, I had lost nearly 5 pounds--I was at 203.4 lbs;now I am up to 206.6. Constant headaches. Tired. Back is in bad shape. Not a good past couple of days.

After two days of hell, I woke up at noon

After two days of hell, I woke up at noon, still drugged ang groggy, not able to interact well with reality, but just wanting to sleep. However, my back is starting to lock up once again due to complete lack of exercise or movement in nearly three days. So I have forced myself to get up, even tho' my body begs just to lay there and dream. I don't know if I am on the tail end of one horrific psychotropic drug cycle or the beginning of another. I just know that while i can (barely) function, I have to try to do some basic living things, like put the sheets back on my bed. Oh my God, somewhere deep in my memory I remember how happy and healthy I was in the years before all this goddamned drugging began. But not today.

Monday, March 9, 2009

I know it's going to be a bad day

I know it's going to be a bad day when as soon as I wake up, I start groaning. Even before I open my eyes, my body knows that it feels like shit. Some kind of psychotropic makes me ill even before I am awake. i think it may be risperdal. One again, I dont want to open my eyes--cant stand stimul--the "dry migraine" syndrome. Also I cant roll my eyes upward or side to side--a symptom of a brain stem tumor which telss me that once again excess csf is strangulating my brain stem. Last nite I was so sick i couldnt even watch tv. I was suffering from the same old motion sickness from moving images that i get on these gd psychotropics. only good news is that the earth should be happy. is raining. As for me , I am going to spend another day in ell. I have my own permanent suite here. God i am so sick of being sick.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Another onslaught begins.

After a day or so of feeling almost normal--minus the painful nerve damaged legs that make it impossible for me to walk without agonizing pain, the psychotropics have started again. Once again, cant think, cant read, cant listen to music. Just very sick and want to lay in bed. I am so sick of this shit. cant i be a normal person and be well enuf to clean my house and get a job and just enjoy life? Answer is no. evil powers have plans for me, and they do not include freedom, joy, health or productivity. so depressed about it all. truly am depressed.

Friday, March 6, 2009

One day in hell--the next day out

One day in hell--the next day out--today I am in, the result of a massive headache caused by the implants. Way too much csf in my head. Eyes and head hurt. Started last night after yoga. I have to force myself to go to yoga to try to keep back supple, but the exercise has become hell itself since TPTB now dump their shit in my brain while Im doing yoga! By the time for final relaxation, I am just a lump of inert matter, unresponsive to everything, with no feeling in body at all. Which still beats waking up feeling like shit with a massive headache, and a tender, "bruised" head, with legs that don't want to walk or ams that want to lift. Once again, my eyes don't want to open and I can't bear any stimuli. While I am grateful that I dont have to go to a job feeling like this, I know I have to move. For one thing I need groceries. For another I desperately have to try to get off excess weight. Finally, if past experience proves accurate, by tomorrow I will be dysfunctional and unable to move at all.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009


lets not forget the dream i had last nite. dreamed iw as growing a nice garden, and i was excited beause it was growing well and strong. someone came along and razed it all, leaving all the uprooted plants in a rubbish heap covered with dirt. story of my post 97 life. once again am suffering with severe migraines. unable to stand any stimuli of any kind. cant read. cant focus. eyes hurt to open and look up. maybe later will try tv not right now

Now its haldol that is being

Now its haldol that is being forced onto me--i recognize it from whgen i was first force fed in the hospital. it causes sheer terror and weird brain rushes in me. there is a medical word for it but am too sick to look up. too sick to do anuything. i was mad yesterday when i realized ptb were making it impossible for me to get unemployment or even hold a temp job but i am too sick where ever other day i am given a different psychtorpic. out of control of weight. my back hurts from not being able to do yoga--some goddamned bimbo on patrol from tpthat be was part of the yoga fiasco last night. cant even feel my hands my legs or my arms. doesnt matter sick a i am i know who i am what i want out of life, and no matter how much suffering will hold on . what i want out of life has nothing to dowith you christian church and your hellish unrelenting psychiatric abuse.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Psychotropics tapers off but pain continues

Psychotropics tapers off but pain continues as the speed is still forced into my body. Now my muscles are the ones spasming which is very odd, since they rarely spasm. I suppose if I were more ignorant of physiology, I would be concerned about my heart, but instead I am worried more about my lower back which is spasming and wants to "go out" I have been fighting that for several days now but today again it feels vulnerable. I am not in good shape at all, but I guess I should give thanks that my mind is clear.
I am very distressed at the thought of finding employment. I am not lazy. I actually enjoy working, but it has been so long since work was anything but a severe drag on my depleted to nothing energy levels . For so many years, I was able to draw upon my spiritual reserves to motivate me past physical depletion and pain in my various jobs. But after over three years of traumatic assault on my brain, there is no reserve of any kind left. It takes every ounce of energy I have just to get up in the morning in my drugged up, pain-filled body. I know that i have to go to work. I just don't know how I am going to be able to physically accomplish it, especially if I have to wake up early in the morning, or drive long distances. I just have nothing left, and the thought of working fills me with dread--just because I know how much my misery index will go up, as I struggle, like I did last year, to get through 15 minute blocks of time 32 times a day. I keep hoping for a job that doesnt tie me to a desk where I can be drugged at will, but it doesnt look good.
I did have a positive dream. I dreamed that I was an owl flying over a medieval village. It was enjoyable. I interpreted it as being spiritually wise and looking over a tradition filled with restrictions and old habits that no longer serve modern people. Very true. Because I was so drugged when I posted last night I didn't mention why the priest was a fraud. He was wearing the collar that I always see priests on TV and in movies wearing--as they dole out meaningless and irrelevant comfort. The priests who would control and direct my destiny are utter and complete frauds who are just "playing a role." They long to get that power that they once had (in medieval villages) and think they can tap me for the "key." But these are the same monsters who have abused the keys for centuries so that modern humanity is now spiritually homeless--they have the spirit of God alright--they just know that such a spirit will have an uphill battle countering but abuse and domination in contemporary spiritual institutions. So the "key" stays hidden within me until it is safe to bring out. I will never bring it out for the priests who have abused me so badly for the last 12 years. Never. That is part of my vocation to keep the key safe. If they kill me, it will be alright, because God will transfer the key to someone else. But I will not give these abusive usurpers of Christ's tradition, and the current, truly and deeply evil pope any power to touch the key.

Now, I must get up the energy to try to complete mundane tasks. Help me God

Monday, March 2, 2009

Spent last nite

Spent last nite crying in pain as not only back and neck but abs and the muscles under breasbone and in my diapghragm have seized up. found it hard ot breathe. couldnt breathe. but once again the fucking assholes want to get me in a psych hospital so they can destroy me whether conformity to their evil plans or by just destroyin my brain. have to fight it but it si hard when i am too gooddamned sick to move. after a couple fo days thinking the fuckers finally realized that i ham autistic and hav an abnormal brain stem to provce it, they have started drugging me on psychotropics again. nonfunctional. to sick to finish letter to dr human who is the only friend ive got in the medical field.
Dont know how i can stand this esp since i am too desperate for work. but i am too gd sick to even look for work much less learn a jnew job right now.
last nite dreamed that a rc/anglican priest introduced me o his "son" instantly i knew the boy was autistic, and i immediately shifted into a mode of openness and gentleness to relate to him. The priest admonished me, "we dont treat him as if hes autistic and we dont want anybody else to do it either." i felt sorry for the poor boy. he was a big teenager and stuck in his only little world because the stupid ass clergy refused to see and relate to him for what he was. but ther was nothing i can do, and nothing i can do. am in too put much and suffering except to try to survive.

as sick as i am i better do a littel int. even in the dream i knew the priest was a fraud. i was saying to myself, "not only r yuou not this boys father, you are destroying any chance he has at self realization. Fucking priest sickos leave me alone. like Jesus, i say my father is the one who does the will of God, and the will of God is to treat people as human subjects and free beings. ever since getting involved with athat goddamned sli, my life has been made into a slaves hell. no my autistic side will stay hidden until it knows it is safe with people who truly love and respect him, and right now, there is not one single goddamned pries in collar, whether roman or anglican, who i can say has ever related to me as a genuine "father" (tho i can thing of one Brother who did--but needless to say he left the order, disgusted with clericalism. For all those who love me truly (and i know who you are, I persevere thru this daily goddamned hell and pain for you, and the hope that one day i will be free to relate to you in freedom like a true daughter or "son" of God