Psychotropics tapers off but pain continues as the speed is still forced into my body. Now my muscles are the ones spasming which is very odd, since they rarely spasm. I suppose if I were more ignorant of physiology, I would be concerned about my heart, but instead I am worried more about my lower back which is spasming and wants to "go out" I have been fighting that for several days now but today again it feels vulnerable. I am not in good shape at all, but I guess I should give thanks that my mind is clear.
I am very distressed at the thought of finding employment. I am not lazy. I actually enjoy working, but it has been so long since work was anything but a severe drag on my depleted to nothing energy levels . For so many years, I was able to draw upon my spiritual reserves to motivate me past physical depletion and pain in my various jobs. But after over three years of traumatic assault on my brain, there is no reserve of any kind left. It takes every ounce of energy I have just to get up in the morning in my drugged up, pain-filled body. I know that i have to go to work. I just don't know how I am going to be able to physically accomplish it, especially if I have to wake up early in the morning, or drive long distances. I just have nothing left, and the thought of working fills me with dread--just because I know how much my misery index will go up, as I struggle, like I did last year, to get through 15 minute blocks of time 32 times a day. I keep hoping for a job that doesnt tie me to a desk where I can be drugged at will, but it doesnt look good.
I did have a positive dream. I dreamed that I was an owl flying over a medieval village. It was enjoyable. I interpreted it as being spiritually wise and looking over a tradition filled with restrictions and old habits that no longer serve modern people. Very true. Because I was so drugged when I posted last night I didn't mention why the priest was a fraud. He was wearing the collar that I always see priests on TV and in movies wearing--as they dole out meaningless and irrelevant comfort. The priests who would control and direct my destiny are utter and complete frauds who are just "playing a role." They long to get that power that they once had (in medieval villages) and think they can tap me for the "key." But these are the same monsters who have abused the keys for centuries so that modern humanity is now spiritually homeless--they have the spirit of God alright--they just know that such a spirit will have an uphill battle countering but abuse and domination in contemporary spiritual institutions. So the "key" stays hidden within me until it is safe to bring out. I will never bring it out for the priests who have abused me so badly for the last 12 years. Never. That is part of my vocation to keep the key safe. If they kill me, it will be alright, because God will transfer the key to someone else. But I will not give these abusive usurpers of Christ's tradition, and the current, truly and deeply evil pope any power to touch the key.
Now, I must get up the energy to try to complete mundane tasks. Help me God