Monday, March 23, 2009

Woke up feeling like shit

Woke up feeling like shit --that is the norm now, and has been for the last 3 1/2 years. I understand why now. I am suffering from migraines even though they do not arise from their normal origins--which I used to have a couple times a month. NOw I wake up with them, go to sleep with them, and it is just a matter of how bad they are as to whether or not I am capable of functioning. Right now, I am borderline functional. I had to turn off my radio (couldn't stand the noise) and my blinds are down to keep the sun out. Even so, my eyes are slits because I can't stand sensory input. So to what honor do I owe all this constant pain and suffering? Excessive glutamate and aspartic acid (aspartme). I will write it all out as soon as I am functional again, but today I am not functional, and the brain cannot think to make the connections. It is so damned infuratiating. I have known for years that MSG is a surefire migraine trigger for me, and I consciously read food packages before purchase. I have given up most prepared foods, and in the case of Ramen noodles, throw away the flavor packet, and just use soy sauce for flavor. I have given up my once insatiable appetite for Chinese food (some places use MSG and some don't, but every time I come down with a migraine after eating Chinese food, I lose more appetite for it). So imagine my furious dismay to realize all my efforts to avoid glutamate have been constantly undermined by the excessive glutamate put in my system by the biochemical dumps initiated by the implants. Why is this so painful for me? Because I already have excessive glutamate in my brain, as a result of the autism in my brain, so the extra glutamate added onto the excessive glutamate acts as an excitotoxin--keyword TOXIN. When the dump is heavy, it literally is killing hundreds of neurons in my brain which is why I have lost so much of my brain function (I am increasingly worried about my memory loss--it is getting to be dysfucntional--I cannot remember anything about mundane details unless I write it down). It is what causes the severe pain and even seizures. When the glutamate presence is lighter, it causes the "dry"migraine (no physical pain, just tender scalp, and inability to process sensory information-the "dragging through life, "can I please just die" synfrome). Last night they nitiated the dump through other, more original means (not thru the implants, I think), because I suffered from the same high anxiety and "brain rushes" that I remember experiencing in the earliest days of my psychotropic drug torture. It doesn't matter--what matters is the end result--toxic levels of glutamate for my system. I am not like most people who just get hyperactive and a manageable headache with it--that is how I am normally, when I am healthy. No, what is happening is excessive glutamate added on to excessive glutamate, and it is poisoning and killing my brain.
On that note, I have to say that the nerve damage in my left leg is increasing as well. Now I not only suffer constandt nerve pain in my thight, it has gone down to my knee, up to my hips, glutes, and even groin area. amd for all this, I can't gget one little bit of pain meds. Just more goddamned poison.

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