Monday, March 2, 2009

Spent last nite

Spent last nite crying in pain as not only back and neck but abs and the muscles under breasbone and in my diapghragm have seized up. found it hard ot breathe. couldnt breathe. but once again the fucking assholes want to get me in a psych hospital so they can destroy me whether conformity to their evil plans or by just destroyin my brain. have to fight it but it si hard when i am too gooddamned sick to move. after a couple fo days thinking the fuckers finally realized that i ham autistic and hav an abnormal brain stem to provce it, they have started drugging me on psychotropics again. nonfunctional. to sick to finish letter to dr human who is the only friend ive got in the medical field.
Dont know how i can stand this esp since i am too desperate for work. but i am too gd sick to even look for work much less learn a jnew job right now.
last nite dreamed that a rc/anglican priest introduced me o his "son" instantly i knew the boy was autistic, and i immediately shifted into a mode of openness and gentleness to relate to him. The priest admonished me, "we dont treat him as if hes autistic and we dont want anybody else to do it either." i felt sorry for the poor boy. he was a big teenager and stuck in his only little world because the stupid ass clergy refused to see and relate to him for what he was. but ther was nothing i can do, and nothing i can do. am in too put much and suffering except to try to survive.

as sick as i am i better do a littel int. even in the dream i knew the priest was a fraud. i was saying to myself, "not only r yuou not this boys father, you are destroying any chance he has at self realization. Fucking priest sickos leave me alone. like Jesus, i say my father is the one who does the will of God, and the will of God is to treat people as human subjects and free beings. ever since getting involved with athat goddamned sli, my life has been made into a slaves hell. no my autistic side will stay hidden until it knows it is safe with people who truly love and respect him, and right now, there is not one single goddamned pries in collar, whether roman or anglican, who i can say has ever related to me as a genuine "father" (tho i can thing of one Brother who did--but needless to say he left the order, disgusted with clericalism. For all those who love me truly (and i know who you are, I persevere thru this daily goddamned hell and pain for you, and the hope that one day i will be free to relate to you in freedom like a true daughter or "son" of God

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