Sunday, January 31, 2010

Severely autistic again

Severely autistic again as once more I am flooded with psychotronic implants and what they do to my brain. My house is a mess and I can not come up with enough energy to clean it. I have got an intense week coming up, and life is such a struggle. It's hard to even keep my eyes open, much less try to make any serious decisions or plans. Even now--first time in a week that I have tried to blog--I cannot maintain the thread of my thought. Tired--time to go home and veg out in front of tv.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Been here before--struggling to survive

Been here before--struggling to survive while dealing with constant drugging--now of the "speed" variety. Because I have been kicked off the internet, my whole normal range of coping mechanisms--mostly "shaking" is denied me, and my head is so weighed down with fluid while my eyes find it difficult to stay open. So tired all the time. I force myself to go to the gym and try to work out, but I can feel more and more my fitness slipping away. THere is just no way that a human person can survive severe muscle spasms 24 hours a day without lasting repercussions. I realize that I can no touch my toes without big effort. My joints are so stiffened that I hobble rather than walk. I hope my body forgives me.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Whoa baby....

Whoa baby....did my torturers decide to pull one on me--spent all day yesterday so sick that I could barely keep my eyes open and had an incredibly difficult time sleeping and waking up with the sick migraine. But in a way it is okay--I know who is doing it, and I know why they are doing it--thanks to a dream. Because my time online is so circumscribed and limited, I do not think I will waste anytime writing it out (besides the fuckers responsible are punitive--they punish me when I diverge from their expected conformity to their will, and I am suffering enough without any more shit coming down. Let me just say that I know who I am deep inside, and it is not what you expect or want. Hang in there, Tita. It is better to suffer in the name of truth, than sell one's soul, vocation, and destiny to serve a lie. In the meantime I sturggle to move and function with legs so badly compromised that it feels like I have muscle bruises, and a back so spasmed that I can barely turn around, either on my feet (I move in stages), or on the toilet--major effort to clean myself, but that is okay because as much as I suffer, I am free. And I have won. Already.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Spoke too fast

Spoke too fast---goddamned assholes are once again bombarding me with drugs---not the heavyduty ones--just the ones that make me autistic (though admittedly sometimes to the point of nonfunctioning) and give me migraines. I had migraines last night to the point of nausea and woke up this morning with once again, the smell of acetone (ketoacidosis--muscle wasting) in my urine. Right now I am at the library, since the motherfuckers destroyed my home computers, and all I want to do is shake my entire body to try to get rid of all the blocked energy in my head and at my meridians. Stupid ass motherfucking liars will say that it is necessary to adjust to Earth's changing reasonance. THEY LIE. It is to be able to hijack and control the images in one's mind, including, but not limited to, dream images. Nothing I can do about it. They put the implants in my brain while I was under surgical anasthesia and now I suffer from chronic pain and autistic hyupersensitivity to stimuli, while my skull is full of dents. I realize that every time I go to the library these people will download their poisonous shit while some dumbass Christian (can see her now) monitors me. Too sick to care. Need to get off this. Cant think anymore. Already unable to think of word choices. Its okay you sorry sobs, Ive already won. refuse to let you define me.

Friday, January 22, 2010

A lot has been going on, but I haven't been able to post

A lot has been going on, but I haven't been able to post, because hackers have disabled both my home computers, frying my systems with electrical surges (I literally have heard the surges). My power supply is fried on my desktop computer, and my laptop is completely messed up with hacking software, added while the system was hijacked. I literally found another hacking program added just within the last week--something called Windows CardService which records and controls all my web site visits. But it is impossible to get past Windows bootup--the installed software gives an error of Windows unable to verify the product code! On top of that, I am having difficulties with my truck. Because of when it has been happening, I really think that it too, is the result of tampering. It is a real drag not having easy access to a computer or wheels, but guess what, motherfuckers? I have won!!! You have lost, and I am just sitting, waiting out the time. For the last few years whenever I suffered from a bout of psychotropic drug poisoning, God would tell me, "don't worry, you have already won" and "don't worry, you are in the one sitting in the catbird seat." It sure didn't feel that way, though I supposed that God was trying to tell me that people like me, who insist on their right to free will and choosing to maintain what we know to be true, despite concerted attacks and torture, are the real winners in life, while the ones who sell out to evil lose big time--indeed, they lose their very souls.

Currently, I am only suffering from mild psychotropic poisoning, not the awful, unable to move, open eyes, or barely being able to function consequences of relentless poisoning that I have suffered from the last five years. I actually can walk, even though my legs are still dead and I see the swollen ankles from the implants. But I have lost a lot of the fluid that was on me, and my right eye actually is seeing properly for the first time in years, alerting me to the fact that my brain is no longer stuffed with fluid. A lot of the headaches have stopped as well. The other day I realized that I recognized my fingers for the first time in years--the plump fluid filled swollenness was gone.

I supposed I should be grateful, but nothing will ever give me back the five years of sheer hell that I have endured. Nothing will ever return my body to the peak physical condition that I once enjoyed. NOTHING. I know the institution (stupid ass Catholic Church, Opus Dei and SLI) responsible for my suffering and while I may allow for a wartime alliance, similar to the one Roosevelt and Churchill made with Stalin during WWII, there is no question in my mind and experience that this institution is nothing but a huge violator of human rights and human freedom and is ultimately the enemy. They are not going to be around much longer. Good riddance. I hope no one ever has to suffer the hell that I have suffered at their hands.

In the meantime I continue to struggle . I have to keep functioning as best I can, with all the hardships put upon me. It's okay. God was right years ago--"I have already won."

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Computer fried...I think on purpose by TPTB

Computer fried...I think on purpose by TPTB. I think the same kind of directed energy weapon that has caused the misery of nearly 3 million Haitians was sent through my power outlets and computer cabling to either fry my motherboard or power supply. I could be wrong, but I have an expensive surge protector that should prevent any power surges, which I am 99% sure has left me with nothing but this limited, ancient laptop. It has also left me very paranoid. Again, like the Haitians, I worry about aftershocks. Was the disabling of my computer merely punitive or was it to prevent me from sniffing out the next move of the diabolical power that be. One thing I know about evil, is that it is inexhaustibly resourceful in promoting and protecting its own self-interest. It's amazing to me that I am not dead. These people have made it clear that they are capable of murdering complete innocents whose mere circumstance of life and experience makes them a possible, if completely inadvertent threat. I especially worry about my family in California, remembering the terror and fragility of a land wracked by earthquakes. Could these criminals of mass destruction turn California into a pawn in their destructive games? Every seer who seemed to ber envisioning the land of America, has always mentioned great earthquakes in their apocalyptic visions. I am worried. I know how karma plays out, and I know the science of the San Andreas fault. The Clintons and Biden are working desperatedly to organize, allay, and compensate for the guilt and cupability of Obama's consent and actions. I just don't know. There is nothing I can do but pray for my counry, the "good guys", and the world. I have to try to follow what is going on with no good computer. But I tell myself to keep on going.
Worried about my physical body--my right arm and hand is starting to shake as if I have parkinson's, and my legs are once again completely numb. One day at a time Tita. Hopefully, my laptop will start up next time I sign on. I don't know what to do about my computer. I am so poor I hate to pouer good money after bad, if the fuckers are just going to fry it again and again.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Hopes dashed

Hopes dashed--for a job, for a happy New Year. I was way too sick to do well on my job testing, but had felt better the last couple of days unti. I went to work out at the gym today and the same old download shit started to the point that I couldnt exercise. Hurt to even keep eyes open. Hurts now. Am sick as a dog with a migraine. I am soul sick too, sick at the unimaginable suffering going on with our Carribean neighbor, Haiti, right now. Sick, because I know a megalomaniac monster was directly complicit in the engineered earthquake that led to the suffering, and now that he has tasted destructive and murderous power, he, who has the same psychosis as a serial murderer, will not be able to stop. Spent most of the day just crying and praying over pictures of the suffering. I wonder if Ratzinger was involved in it too. The archbishop who died during the earthquake was a pretty decent and conscientious priest. I will have to keep an eye on what cleric replaces him. Then of course, there is the UN factor. CNN just "happened" to be advantageously placed to get "breaking" news of UN troops heroically tryi8ng to save lives. Haiti is about to explode, and I think TPTB which orchestrated this event are going to use it to ingrain upon Americans' psyches, through the whore media, of the heroic benevolence of the blue hats--all in preparation for their placement here when the megalomaniac monster declares martial law. Those sons of bitches don't know Americans, REAL Americans, not Manchurian candidate poseurs born in Kenya. It ain't gonna be that easy. But for today, there is nothing to do but cry, and try to stave off the headache. I can't complain though, not when I keep pulling up a slideshow in my mind of the overwhelming suffering and death of millions of people who have NOTHING--no warm house, or soft bed, no full refrigerator, or fanny pack hoard of drugs that I will use if the pain gets too bad. I wish that I had someone to share the overwhelming suffring and knowledge that I carry but it is just me, so all I can do is lay in a fetal position in bed and cry. I wonder what mind control rapine the PTB that engineered the earthquake now have for my poor, implanted brain. A few days ago, I had recognized that once again, the torturers were attempting to implant "dreams" in my head. I know the difference between a real dream and an implant. No dice. But tonite, whether real or implanted, I expect nothing but nitemares. God, I long for the days when after an emotionally draining day like today, I could go to sleep and pray, "God send me a dream to help me cleanse and heal." And God would, and I would wake up refreshed and centered. That no longer happens, not even on a normal or "good" day, much less like a hell day like today. But there is good news happening too. The calvary is on its way, and while they are too late to prevent the massacre, hopefully they can stop any more charges before the American soul and psyche become easy prey to the megalomaniac monster as well.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Something has to change

Something has to change--the amount of OTC drugs and alcohol that I have to take to get to sleep is increasing and increasing with less and less efficacy. I can't sleep because in addition to the goddamned psychotropic virus that leaves me wired and awake, I now have the problem of the "electrical jolts and shocks" originating in my brain and travelling all through my body in a microsecond, which thn spasmodically jerks and convulses. This used to happen on occasion or when the download was heavy, but now, at night, whenever I try to sleep, it happens every two-three minutes, and the only way I can get to sleep around that is to overwhelm the central nervous system with sedatives--in my case, alcohol in combination with other sleeping agents. What is causing this? I only have experienced this kind of regular brain/body electrical jolting when I was on lithium. Am I on lithium again? As with lithium, my body is bloated to the max, and I have lost all appetite and ability to digest food. I also believe that I am gaining weight. But I am thinking that it could be an increase in Depakote, which I believe that I am on as well. I hate Depakote. It also causes weight increase, though not as radically as pound-a-day lithium. It also slows me down to the point of sluggishness, so that it is difficult to get up the energy to do anything. It also often puts me in a constantly bad, surly, anti-social mood (because for me, sociability is such a high-energy endeavor. The worst and most telling symptom though, is thtat it interferes with my dreams, making them impossible to remember. I recognize the symptom clearly because in the psychiatric hospital I was forced to take Depakote and immediately realized the symptoms. I know that I am frequently on Depakote (as the fucking goddamned idiotic torturers yank me from one chemical to another, while my brain is in a permanent state of chemical trauma), but the extra weight gain, bloated belly (even more so than usual), digestive/metabolic problems, and an increased inability to remember even one image from my dreams (I know I'm dreamng--I just can't recall them when I try to, upon awakening) makes me wonder if the torturers have increased the dose. I am sluggish, but then I am always sluggish, but something is causing those electrical jolts, and they are nothing but torture. Got to get up and try to move--do yoga, hopefully, it's "on". Depressed at my body, the extra weight, the sluggishness, the feeling of helplessness while I am force fed one drug and then another, the acetone smell of my urine in the morning as my body eats its own muscle while these fuckers destroy my health and body with ketoacidosis. Something has to change. In the meantime, I have to force myself to get up and try to function with the chemically induced, hating-life bad mood, and dead, heavy legs.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Hope to be able to do yoga tomorrow

Hope to be able to do yoga tomorrow--am on some kind of funky psychotropic drug that has shut me down all day, tho I did insist on rooting for the playoff team I most wanted to win this weekend. But it impossible to get on the treadmill, which is what I usually do during sports. I need to get on the treadmill.I am miserable because my stomach/digestive metabolism has all but stopped, and it feels lieke a bowling ball is in my stomach (were my thyroid meds pulled?). I don't know, All I know is that I am miserable with this bloated, undigested belly. My legs are so heavy i can brely lift them, and it is hard to hold my heavy head up but I desperately want to do yoga. After sleeping until noon today--result of whatever drugs i was force fed, I can only hope to wake up.m Hopefully, tomorrow i s a better day than today. My house is a mess. I need to be functional enough to at least clean kitchen. Funny, how my life's victories all revolve around good days when I actually can do simple tasks and avoid the constant torturous harassment of the drugs.

bad nite, bad day

bad nite, bad day--woke so drugged up i can barely move. so fucking frustrating. evry time i start to feel guitly aobut things like throuwing fbombs to psychics who are invading my privacy, along come the realization of the torture i am enduring in this mix. yesterday played a lil music--they downloaded thier shit into me. read a little ancient scripture (which for me as a former . too much enjoyment i guess, woke up unable to move. so sick of this shit. of people drugging me without permission. i could figure out what is going on with merelisious studies major, is highly nejoyable). too much enjoyment i guess worke up , could hardly move. i am so tired of suffering this tortuous drugging. i just want people to be honest with me, tell me what u r doing, and i could figure out what is going on on my own, unlike the unimaginative drudge and drone who work for govt. have so much to do tofay. house is a mess, everything so hard when im like this , taking shower, uphill mountain to clime. need to go to bed and lay down right now.

Friday, January 8, 2010

Going to be another bad nite

Going to be another bad nite--ater a functional day (no risoperdol), more fucking bad smells and brain rushes. its not just the brain that rushes, its the whole body that spasms involuntarily. no one can sleep with that sheit going ton. body is so tender. muscle points inflamed. cant shake, bcecause head hurts to o bad to shake but that is hwhat i want . what i want is to be free of this meiserable goddmaned shit. i want to sleep normally again. wake up happy and energetic. have a life . im sick of being soneones guinea pig so they can pick my brain in my sleep. body hurt so bad God help me sleep withe hese brain rushes.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Suffering on unimaginable scale today

Suffering on unimaginable scale today--nother wasted day. i beg Gof for unconsiouslness, to escape the pain, the dead body, the psychotic state that i am in. i iknow that i am close to death because the brain stem cnnot be strangulated like this for long without death. death i welcome u. you are my friendc please come. whos my tormentor this time? i suspec the politicos rahter thant the chrisotcarats. i saw a psychic probing me , mr zztop, abusive invasive. never met a psycic i liked as a human being except that black chick who was tinas friend and that preppy, comfortable, middle manager from boston who sat next to me on flight from ontario to phx or abq. the rest of them --about a half dozen, sorry specimens of humanity. im probably paying for the little gem i directed to mr zztop, but i dont care. i meant it, heightened by my suffering and pain, but i meant it. have no respect for people who do to others what has been done to me. im not interested in working for any clandestine services. i know that in the cosmopolitan centers of this country, people of my type are a marginalized, vanishing breed, but i am proud of who i am--a Crhistian, a disciple of Christ, a person of values and integrity, who bases my actions on my faith in God's law and grace. no i would never be a good fit for clandestine services. I dont know which is mor e appalling, that elements of clandestine service would try to assassinate a president, or that the president would turn aruond and assasinate agents of the clandestine service (the same president who touts his "constitutional" law background and gives TERRORISTS--not extremist, dont get me started--who have murdered Americans more constitutional due than members of his own country. my God, we have become Rome. The only place for a person of integrity and value in Rome is to the lions---and I am ready to go.

Right again

Right again--i knew i was being given some kind of extra psychtoropic, because of smell in urine. it has overpowering smell of burnt rubber. its like pure speed. body has to go and go. have no contemplative function whatsoevr. that is not the bad part. bad part is at nite when brain rushes come. only time i have had these kind of brain rushes is with lithium. i dont think im on lithium, but maybe i am, in conjuction with something else. all i know is that it is impossible to sleep with electrical jolts going thru my bodyt and brain ever few seconds. only one thing works with this (dbeen here befvore with lithiuym)--shutting down central nervcous systm. legs cant stand still, feel like they are crawling with bugs. go to move them and whole body starts shaking. energy all sytmied allover body. because i have no drigs only thing i can us is alcohol. lots of it. no one can imagine the hell ive been thru tonite and nite before last. not only is the brain in a psychotic and constantly jolted statye, my left lef is suffering from severe buirnin, firery, nerve pain. cant walk tithout a limp, feels like i have a deep muscle brusi in my quad, but it is nerve pain. impossible to work any kind of job in his misery. i m desperate for sleep but cant sleep till i shut down cns completely (tylenol pm doesnt work)--alcohol, vicodin.

Monday, January 4, 2010

Wasted day, wasted opportunmity

Wasted day, wasted opportunmity--unable to even get to testing for job intv. After struggling to take a shower--my musculo-skeletal system so messed up i could barely lift legs into tub, and only after great concentrated effort. but i realized after shower, sensory percepttion too messed up to drive, absolutely impossibl for me to take a test. i think the bastards did it on purpose. i think they cause suffering and pain (and believe me it is has been a day of agonizing suffering and pain) on purpose, because when one is in severe pain, they disassociate from body, and i believe that is what they are trying to accomplish--get me to disassociate from my body so some alien evil entity can take over--ocultis would call it a walk-in or possession; I call it demonic influence or possession. But they havent been able to succeed. I know--my dreams tell me so . but they keep trying to break me down with never ending pain and psychotropics. dont know what they are giving me now--my urine smells terrible--even worse thatn usual when I am suffering from these goddamned psycchotropic downloads. maybe they just increased does. certainly feels like it. day has been agonizing. hips, back, nec shoulder, head all hurts. cant function. cant drive. have to get car in shop but cant drive. need groceries cant drive. but one thing is certain. the more i suffer the more i stiffen my resolve and hatred of these sons of bitches. truly evil. dreame d i was to read winston churchills biography, and i know what dream was trying to tell me. i will fight with every tool and weapon and breath at my disposal. the more i suffer the more i hate the evil that is being done to me and is the future of the rest of hmanity if the evil people in power can succeed. nothing to do but fight, suffer, and die. and i will.

After nite of hell, prefpped for failure

After nite of hell, prefpped for failure--last nite back and body and brain wracked by spasms and headaches. this morning my back is so fucked up i can barely lift legs to walk, hurts to breathe, and back spine so tense tight i cant reach out arms without pain. once again im autistic and not able to take in stimuli. suposed to take test for job today. just one question, do the mother fuckers who torture me want me to fail? well they have succeeded. i will force myself to go but i know there is no way i can pass a test in this shape. i know there is no way i can study in this condition. iknow there is no way i can get up and go to work at eight in the morning in this condition. i need to spend all day on a heating pad trying to get back to loosen up enuf to do stretches and exercises. i ned to keep eyes shut until this brain fluid drains and leaves me functioal in reality again. but i will go and fail my test.which is good because there is no way i can lear a whole new job in whole new enviroment in this conditon

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Been here before--does this shit never end?

Been here before--does this shit never end? Massive migraine headaches that have me crying. Legs that can only shuffle because the neuropathic nerve pain from all the fluid on my legs is so great--also now the arm above my elbows is develping same symptoms. Can't watch tv, because my eyes and or brain cant process moving images--i call autistic. all i know is i cant process images supposed to study for job interview but eyes need to stay shut. Reading is difficult. .........

Friday, January 1, 2010

way to start off new year

way to start off new year--so fucking sick I cant keep my eyes open. literally hurts to move eyes side to side or up and down. not good when i have to prep for a job intv on monday (maybe that is just a wash--it certainly will be by monday when i test on windows 2000 and excel, both of which i have minimal experience, and and am unable to study the cdroms i have). cant care too much about that right now. im trying to function with a sick headache an a body that feels like it weighs a ton ecept when i feel sheer horrific pain go shooting thru my joints and hands and feet. trying to read to figure ot what is going on behind the scenes, but am too goddamned sick to read, much less think. what is going on behind scenes--my life is fucked and miserable, by a bunch of immoral powermongers.