Monday, November 30, 2009

Recovery from sheer hell in progress

Recovery from sheer hell in progress--body is trashed. Day before yesterday, I tried to do a little ball exercise--my body is so fucked up, I couldn't do 20 minutes worth of exercise. Even worse, the goddamned torturers download extra pshychotropics while exercising. Talk about a disincentive. Even today, when my mind is relatively clear, my body hurts. I literally cannot put my head on my chest without pain, from neck and upper back spasms. Still hurts to breathe--due to muscle spasms in my abdoment and back. I can't reach down to touch my toes. I havent done yoga in two weeks, but was too sick with psychotropics, to go anywhere. On top of that is the realization that TPTB continue to progress with their expected agenda of splitting off my personality (I think it is because demonic spirits want to appropriate a "split-off" part of my personality for their very own. So many thoughts on my mind, but so little real time to develop anything--I have so many things to do on a day when my mind is clear enough to do them.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Upper back spasms

Upper back spasms led to severe asthma last night. Scary to not be able to breathe, but cant go to dr. cant get what really need, heavy duty muscle relaxers. woke up this morning back is so bad, so tender, sp painful, hurts to inhabit my body. not functional right now. eyes dont want to open. too autistic to take in reality. i am forcing myself to move. desperately need to go to yoga, in hopes i can address some of muscle spasming, pain. i got three hours to try to get body into decent enought shape to drive ten miles to corrales. forget evrthing else--gym, flower markete,, just get to yoga and back. In the meantime the asthama and respiratiory disress are cauing me to come down with cold/flu symptoms--all related to not being able to breeathe well. One last note, dreamed last nite chinese had scored big victory in hidden war. do my problems have anything to do with maurice strong (felt compelled to surf on him the last couple of dayys) doling out his occultic bag of trics to his new patrons and benefactors. dont know. need to get online and see what all the moronic new age occultic gullibles are saying (Dear ones, there is an activation portal open now. Your ascension is imminent. Disregard momentary Pain. It is all part of the birthing process. Bullshit bullshit bullshit. and all the dumbasses say amen). I can't work with the dream tho cuz all i have is the one image, not the dream, so i cant work with it. It could be anything. all i know is that i have about three hours to try to get in good enuf shape to drive. have to tr.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Getting the Jabba the Hut feeling again

Getting the Jabba the Hut feeling again as I try to drag around my bloated, fluid-filled body against an inertia of psychotropic drugs that leave me lethargic and irritable, cranky and just hating life. I know its going to be a bad day when I wake up groaing, hating life, and that is what my life is becoming again. I try to shake to clear my head and bhody, but I can't get much relief. Everything is so heavy and difficult, and once again, I feel that I am fighting the stupidass roman catholic fasco-zealots. What inspired me to look up sli last nite, I don't know--I saw their link while surfing Hanne Strong, and clicked on it to see if justice has prevailed and they are no more. Of course I was happy to learn a few years ago that Tessa and Dave were laicized, separated from their community. I can only wonder what caused that--fear of a civil judgment brought against the sli by another victim of their egregious spiritual and psychological abuse? Or was it an ecclesiastical judgment initiated by the highest levels--the anti-Christ Ratzinger can't have been too happy to have me slip the tight grasp of the fasco-zealots (though they still keep a rein on me through the Jesuits of the intelligence community and opus dei). I don't know and I don't care. Maybe next year i will click on a link again, and maybe not. But just as there is no doubt in my mind that D&T are still running the sli show, there is no doubt that the religious fasco-zealots are still determined to force me into their camp and likely are the ones behind the recent drugging I endured. I can see their hand in other places too--my scratched up truck (what a laugh, you stupid fucks), the continuing to drug me at the most inconvenient of times, etc. These morons have no idea of how little I respect them or their community. There are people I know who truly care for me, and those are the people who keep me going--the people who respect my free will, the people who realize the lost years and pain and suffering I have endured at the hands of the fasco-zealots. As a woman of that ilk told me years ago, when I lamented at how I had lost years of my life--"At least you know that they are lost years. Many people lose years of their life and don't even know it." Honesty, instead of that saccharine religious sentimentality, or worse, lies in the service of an idolatrous divine imperative, such as the brainwashed of the rc church and opus dei follow and pray that I become blinded by and ensnared as well. And yes, I welcomed the compassion, and being at one with me as well , because I can only speak and bear witness to the truth, and that is what I look for in relationships and intimacy. It is in hopes of being in free relationship (I almost wrote realationshp--which is a better word)that I keep going. I know from experience that such realationships is what gives me the security and support to be most truly myself and excel in all endeavors--being lonely and isolated PREVENTS creativity and fruition (which is why I will talk to Dale, but find it difficult to write. But the fasco-zealtots don;t want to here that--they do not want a free child of God in creative endeavor--they want a subjugated slave spewing out their approved version of reality (which guess what people--AINT ALL THERE). Anyway, time to break this off--fucking PTB have got me in agonizing muscle spasms (no doubt whatever brainwashed idiot is responsible for reading this doesnt like what Im saying and is pouring on the shit), so I ve got to go

Friday, November 27, 2009

Back to swollen, painful, neuropathic legs

Back to swollen, painful, neuropathic legs with infected ankles-- I alread have over a dozen laser cuts/scars to my ankles and feet. I imagine i will wake up with one more. My feet is suffering from increasing pain--the implants are causing the pain. Gone is my brief return to psychological normalcy, when I woke up full of energy and verve. Now i am struggling to get through life, as i deal with a swollen body, belly, and some kind of heartburn that even attacks when i drink water. been here before. the only thing i can do is hope that the neuropathic pain in legs doesnt get too bad.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Functional, but body is reeling

Functional, but body is reeling from the lost days. Gained weight. Back is thrashed. Still drugged--struggling to stay present to reality. so much goddamned speed in my system, i can barely function. going to tyr to shake to see if i can at least get up to do anything. just talked to my bro on fone--not even present. so fucked up on this goddamned shit.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Stretch marks running down both legs

Stretch marks running down both legs (been a long time since that happened), gaining weight (after I worked so hard to lose just a little bit, the goddamned luciferian fuckers caused the extra gain) all lead me to believe that once again im force fed lithium. oh, did i mention the violent suicidal ideation, the intense rages and homicidal impulses, the severe depression and mood swings? oh how about the inability to feel or relate to anything. how being drunk makes me more functional in reality than sover. been here before. i know lithium and what it does to me. i just don t know why the fuckers keep pouring it down my throate. i know now that to these mind rapists that the whole point is int the rape. these fuckers are such inhuman losers they can only feel human by destroying another person's humanity, innocence and love. and me, in all my naievte, all i can do is curl up and try to protect what i know is a soul, a lifeline to God, and not that ersatz luciferian shit they have got a significant minority believing is spirituality. i dont know how much longer i can keep going. its more than physica.l. its mental and psychological. i long just to go to sleep forever wake up in another time, when i m not brutalized, raped, chemcially poisoned and tortured. just dont see it happening soon.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Once again, waking up wishing I were dead

Once again, waking up wishing I were dead. go to sleep, fantaxizing about slitting wrists or blowing head off. dont hav a gun. probably good thing. when i am so fucked up, no telling what i could do in moment of desperation. and i am desperate. desperate to feel like a human bieng instead of a sack of painwracked s, muscle spasmed shit. cannot function. Dale told me to write. ha! I cant even read, not even basic reading on the internet. brain cannot think absorb, ponder . all i can do is lay in misery watch tv, with absolutely no emotions or interest. gaiing weight again. absolutely implssible to do anything physical. desperate to do launcry, go to post office, buy groceries but am too fucked up to drive. to fucked up to do any kind of chore. looks like a tv dinner for thanksgiving for me. that i s fine. nothing to be thankful for. definitely too sick to go anyerher. just wish my lif was over. be over . tired of suffering. tired of this hsit. tired of never ending pain. tired of not being able to function, much less live. tire.

Monday, November 23, 2009

When is this hell going to end?

When is this hell going to end? another nonfunctional day, unable to do anything, do laundry, go shopping, call amtrack. body hurts so bad. every fuckin muscle i have is spasming and my spine is completely trashed from the neverending spasm. i have a badly pulled muscle in lower back from spasming. if the goddamned sirians stopped their goddamned poisoining right now, it would take over a week to get my body into shape where i could actually live in my own body without pain. but thats not the plan for the goddamned fucers, the plan is to turn me into a channeler for their luciferian agenda. I may not have anythig to do with the Church, but I will not be a false prophet for these would be enslavers of humanity. Most certainly i would never want anyone to go thru the hell i go thru every single day of my life. unbearable pain, violated dreams, dear God when will this end?

After a hell nite, body is trashed

After a hell nite, body is trashed. I feel as if I have gone 16 orunds in a boxing ring with a boxer. Every muscle aches, and my muscles have pressure points of tenderness. The back is the worst, with my spine tender and unable to rotate, as well as my neck. All I want to do is sit in in a hot tub and let my body try to heal from this tremendous traumatic assault it has endured past few days. But instead i need to push forward. any day that my brain is functioning is a good day. Dreams last nite confirmed suspicions fo whois behind this suffering--the Jesuit Order (in alliance with the rest of their fascist occultists--Opus Dei and fratzinger). I never liked to pick on the jesuits,, always feeling like they were unfairly victimized, but there is no doubt that there higher echelon people are major players in the war of the occult upon Christ and true Christians (that would include me). They don't care if i spend the rest of my life a blathering idiot or in agonizing pain. They are calculated amoralists who are only interested in using me (even if just my unconscious) to further their luciferian objectives. What a messed up state of affairs.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

never ending hell

never ending hell--cant believe the level of drugging pain i am in. force myself to try to go for bike ride. so fucked up icant go more than a couple of miles. then come back slammed by psychotropic download that spasms my back so bad i cant hold head up strait. upper should er locked in permanent spasm. long for flexiril, major painkillers, anything to stop goddamned pain. menwhile lower back is permanently out because of lower back spasms. all so godamned fmotherfuckers can get their stupidsass aliens to hack into my brain. too much pain to care........

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Neverending shit

Neverending shit--literally. A week ago, I was given drugs that had me shitting 5 times a day--I had to go to toilet within a half hour of eating everything, but I didn't complain because mentally I felt well. I knew too, that it may have been related to my "autistic gut" (which the medical community won't admit exists, but which families of autistics, and autistics themselves know exist. I was preparing to go glutein/casein free when TPTB abruptly changed course, and gave me some drug that has left me constipated to the point of pain. I have abeen hree before too. I had to pay fifty dollars for a colon cleanse i was so cloogeged up. Now the pain is back as well as muscle spasms, migraines and inability to concentrate. In addiition to the very real physical pain, I dont feel mentally well at all. I canat live with this kid of clogged up, painful gut. I am going to take a ubiquitol to see if that causes release (it causes bowel movememt)if that doesnt work i am going to have to go spend a buch of money on stuff to help relive pressure on colon--aloe vera juice, teas, etc. rightnow just got to suffer thru the pain.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Are the Fascists back on top?

Are the Fascists back on top? Question I ask myself after two days of hell. Gone is my recent joy at living life, and back again is the feeling of dragging thru life, suffering and end enduring pain. My head is so heavy I cant lift it. My back hurts from muscle sp0asms. But mostly it is the brain tumor feeling in my head that makes it impossible to drag thru life. I dont feel well at all. I feel like shit. try to shake but I feel to o bad.

Monday, November 9, 2009

fucking sick again

fucking sick again. nonfucntional all day. severe migraine. cant watch tv. cant drive motion sickness makes it impossible to drive. dont know what is causing this resurgence of shit. too sick to think about it right now. desperately needc to clean house take care of details too damned sick to do anythin

Thursday, November 5, 2009

In agonizing back pain after a day of sheer hell

In agonizing back pain after a day of sheer hell yesterday. Mind woke up a lil clearer, but offset by severe muscle spasms caused by the extreme musle lock from the previous two days. hurts to breathe, to sit to stand. no one could be more miserable than me in my constant pain and drug brainwiped state. I went for a test yesterday , dont know how i took it. i was so fucke up i couldnt drive. i had to take long way hoe, took fucked up to make left had turn. now i am just in pain, severe pain. i guess i am being bounced from political mind torturers to religious tortures all trying to get mee to confess and conform to their warped vision of reality. me i just insist on my God given freedom, but ittt doesnt matter. I aaaaam in hell. haave to try fomove. can nnon lnongger sit here. too fucke up

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Torture started again

Torture started again--fucked up day caused by massive headches and psychtoropic drug download. dont recognize face or eyes. watched v on tv. i wish there was some resistance cell i could belong to. wish i could be. feel like human being again instead of miserable fucked up, pain filled blob with swollen face. have to take test tomorrow. too sick to study for it today. i hope i can pass it tomorrown. have taken tests before with this fuckin poison in system . definitely affects peromance. who am i kidding. how the fuck can i hold a job when i am so fucked up on all this shit. but my reslove is strong. fuck you assholes fuck yeryone of you goddamne d alien tratitors. id rather die than join.

Very tired

Very tired after three nites of fighting back the brain/dream hackers. How successfully--I don't know. I do know that I don't trust any dreams which occur on the nites when I feel that my brain is being hacked--and yes I know. The worst part of it tho, is waking up feeling so tired and drained--totally unlike the aftermath of a natural dream state when one wakes up feeling peaceful, refreshed and/or energized. On top of everthing else, I have had bad news on the employment/financial front. When one is tired, it is so difficult to handle bad news. After a nite of tossing and turning, my back is contorted and twisted. I tell myself to try to get up and do little things. small acts, to try to move forward in my day, but the turht is that I am so tired, that I just want to lay down and sleep. I can't tho'. I have to take a test tomorrow. I have to take some small steps.