Once again, waking up wishing I were dead

Once again, waking up wishing I were dead. go to sleep, fantaxizing about slitting wrists or blowing head off. dont hav a gun. probably good thing. when i am so fucked up, no telling what i could do in moment of desperation. and i am desperate. desperate to feel like a human bieng instead of a sack of painwracked s, muscle spasmed shit. cannot function. Dale told me to write. ha! I cant even read, not even basic reading on the internet. brain cannot think absorb, ponder . all i can do is lay in misery watch tv, with absolutely no emotions or interest. gaiing weight again. absolutely implssible to do anything physical. desperate to do launcry, go to post office, buy groceries but am too fucked up to drive. to fucked up to do any kind of chore. looks like a tv dinner for thanksgiving for me. that i s fine. nothing to be thankful for. definitely too sick to go anyerher. just wish my lif was over. be over . tired of suffering. tired of this hsit. tired of never ending pain. tired of not being able to function, much less live. tire.