Woke up feeling human for first time in nearly a week

Woke up feeling human for first time in nearly a week--that is not saying much but it is saying something. I actually am functioning and present to reality, but as with the emergence from any long illness, I don't feel up to par. My body and brain is truly trashed right now. Still, all I want to do is lay down and shut my eyes, as my eyes still are not working properly, and feel strained to open them. Body needs remedial work. However after a week of being unable to do anything but lay in bed and pray for death, I have too much to do. I don't feel like doing anything except small movements to recovery, but I can't indulge myself. Have to take care of chores and details, no matter how difficult it is. God only knows when the "brain tumor" is going to incapacitate me again.

Suffering unto the death

Suffering unto the death--suffierng i am enduring is thast of the death agony of soemone with brain tumor with mo painkillers. brain stem so strangulated i can barely move or keep eyes open. then comes the pain pain so severe i cant do anything but flail pray for death. everuthing messed up, appetite, sleeping, locomotion. i am in such fucked up shape that i recognize i am not capable of taking care of myself. hous is amess, sooner or later i will run out of tv dinners. i have to pay landlady but am too sick to drive to po or bank. i have to send in recepts in mail but brain can only function to the point of getting food, water, and to the toilet. running out of water too. god, hlp me , cant keep living like this, wonder how much , too sick to findish tohough.

later...walking around like aim drunk. mentally and physically i am drunk, u nable to focus concetnrate, walke or hold my balance. just wnat to dlay down nad sleep...beats agonizing pain i guess tho back is still locked. deosnt matter because i cant lift feet anyway. move by shuffling

bad to worst

bad to worst and definetely worse. brain tumor head is back. cant hold it up. or open eyes. cant move eye muscles. worst part is back. i have not been able to exericse for over a week and all the muscle spasms now have entire back in sever pain and tender to even the touch. had to pull out futon because too painful to sleep on floor but cant sleep on bed vecause whole body starts spasming. too painful to move. tried to watch tv yesterday, today all i can do is try to strap my head and so a littel cat cow to try to limber up painfu. back. nothing i can do. nothing i can do. cant even go to bank or post office. most severe pain . please help Jesus.

Relentless doping

Relentless doping--after a brief respite in the morning it started up again. i tried to do brain wave stimulation to get mind clear enuf to move, but body is so fucked up and muscle locked all i can do is feet flap. now i cant even do that. totally fucked up. desperate to go to bank and post ofice but am too fucked up to drive. all ic an do is lay down. takes effort to even open eyes. eyes just want to stay shut. worse of all im gaining weight. nothing i can do about it. i am too sick to go to gym tried other day, and some fucker drugged me so i could barely move. can barely move now. cant lift up my dead legs, and even arms and hands r dead, and it is fifficult to lift even a spoon. i should care that i am dturning ainto a fat blob but ruth is am too goddamned sick to care about anythin.

Another day lost

Another day lost, another summer lost to the ravages of the psychotropic drugs. I try to gain hope from stories like little lost Jaycee--19 years of her life lost and her body ravaged by a man clearly under the same satanic inspiration and guidance as the ones who ravage me. I read yesterday of the peril the Earth is in, and truly didnt even care--I was too sick, deathbed sick, to care. I just wanted to pass over, and let the Earth pass over rather than suffer what I suffer. A population cannot even survive in this condition of which I have spent the majority of the last four years. For truly I am too sick to take care of the demands of daily life. My house is a mess, and I am too sick to care. Any scrap or morsel of energy I have automatically is given to immediate demands, but I am not capable of any industry or purpose. I cannot bear any emotional demands upon me--I just want to lay down and die. Gone is my energy, drive, joy and zest for living. At least today I am able to get up and move about--not so brain tumor sick that I can't even walk, hold my balance or my head. So once again, gotta start by trying to do basics, flapping feet to try to get some sense of body-self, wash dishes for the first time in a week, get thru the mountain of paperwork on my desk. And top of all this I still feel like shit. Summer is gone, wasted, lost, as is my life.

Sick sick sick

Sick sick sick with migraines caused by headaches. so fucked up i cant walk uprigth. i cant even walk. i shuffle feet. beautiful evening this evening but im so fucked up i can not enjoy or appreciate it. just the goddamned political luciferians and religious luciferians going at it again, trying to force me into their camp so they can force their evil hateful inhuman vision of world upon an unsuspecting humanithy. nothing i can do but suffer.

Excruciating pain, mindrape, psychosis

Excruciating pain, mindrape, psychosis--that is the process and end result of the agenda of those who have stolen my life and health from me. I talked to my ocusisn yesterday and she told me of the pain of sexual abuse. That is what is happening to me, only on the mental level. But the pain is real, it is physical. I wish i could blow my brain s out when they download their shit. even this morning i am so fucked up. muscles locked head hurts. There is absolutely nothing spiritual about my state of mind when this occurs--rather it is the barren bleakness of psychosis. I realize that if these people have their way, i will go insane--not functional insane, like all truly deeply people are, but nonfunctionally insane. i am not nonfunctionally insane today, but i am nonfunction., once again body catatonic, in too much pain to do anythin except God to releasse me from this hell one way or another.

so fucked up i want to smash things

so fucked up i want to smah thing---break my hand hiting a wall. so much goddamned drugs imn me i cant stop body froom violently shaking. even now i cant hiolld head still, body trying so hard to be whole ehalthy. cant bike cant exercise. try to do shaking been doing it all day, but cant break even. too much pain

Continuing migraines and muscle spasms

Continuing migraines and muscle spasms--Ive been too sick to do any yoga in over a week. Back musles are permanently spasmsed. Hurts to do anyhing--walk, lift arems, drink, type. all muscles tied into back and back is locked. Even my abdominal wall muscles re spasming. meanwhi8le i feel like shit warmed over. force myself to accept assignments when im so goddamned sick i cant take care of paperwork. somebody called me for a job, and yes ill take it, but the truth is, im too goddamned sick to do anything. but even if i can just make it thru training get a few bucks in pocket ot offeset debt. am not feeling well at all.

Another nite from hell

Another nite from hell--feared i was having a heart attack. severe pains in heart area. hurt to breathe. kept hoping it would come. knew i wasnt to seek medical help. knew i just wanted to die. any thing to get me out of this hell-pained, luciferian enslaved body that i cant even bear to look at anymore. but here i am woke up--totally fucked up. too sick for any yoga--God what a waste of money my gym membership is. also in severe pain. my right leg which now is as fucked up as my left leg has constant shooting pains that cause me to cry out in pain. has permanent pain that i can feel right now from where the leg is fucked up from trying to walk when the implants are destroying nerves. feeling catatonic once again. can not do brain wave. can not do anything. i had hoped to take some of some business today--maile off some forms but am too fucked up for anyting. if i feel like this tomorrow i will have to cance my assignments ofn the 24 and 25. all i want to di is cry--cry over the pain, cry over the depression, cry over the futility that is my life. i long to die with every intention i send to God i ask for death. maybe i am being force fed some psychotropic that is making me suicidally depressed, but the truth is that it has been a long time since i woke up happy to be alive...mustn forget the other symptom--involuntary muscle spasms an jerks. very difficult to sleep when body keeps involuntarily spasming. even now my body is doing the involuntary spasm dance--every time brain pulsates. only thing that helps this lots of alcohol or vicodin.

Functional again

Functional again, but once more with the severe energy drain and headache of "the brain tumored patient." Too sick to go on a bike ride this evening, but am hoping that some shaking can clear out all the excess csf in brain. It has been several days since I could do it--I was completely nonfunctional on haldol, but it is so hard to do it, but it only is going to get harder so force yourself tita

Still fucked up on psychotropics

Still fucked up on psychotropics--I am suspecting haldol because haldol is what makes me feel like im crawling out fo my skin. It also give me constant nonstop headaches, makes it impossible of me to think, turns my body into a big piece of deadwood, so that my legs feel like im lifting two ton boulders. no exercise possible. yoga completely impossible when im this fucked up. head weighs about one hundred pounds. have no strength in legs OR arms. No waaaaaaay i can hold a down dog. suffering a lot of joint and muscular pain. too fucked up to work it out. walking around like im drunk. but i dont feel drugn. i feel like i am in hell. God please release....Let's not forget the sores that are breaking out all over my scalp because the goddamned drugs are causing some kind of chemical imbalance.

Dreams last nite confirmed

Dreams last nite confirmed what psychic impressions told me 4 days ago--my current jpsychotropic hell is instigated by the SAME GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING STUPIDASS CHRISTIAN NAZIS that have been responsible for my suffering for over 12 years. THAT GODDAMNED PIECE OF SHIT DAVE DENNY and his stupidass harem just don't know the first rule of Godliness, Christianity, and spirituality--that is, that individuals are free to choose (of course, if I were a man, then their approach would be a lot different--I know this after talking to them for two years--they honestly believe that males are the only ones truly in the image of Christ). Well guess what assholes--I told you 12 years ago, and every goddamned day of my life that I lose to suffering, pain, and your goddamned torture, I am more and more confimed--I DO NOT CHOOSE your sick version of Christianity. Torture me all you want, do everything in your power to destroy my humanity and my life. I've dealt with sick patriarchal bastards before, and inside, I will keep myself hidden until I am free to come out and choose my life, my vocation, and my lesbian lover. Until then I just drag myself through life. Dragging is the appropriate word. Even tho' I feel much better today I still am so drugged I can't see straight, have difficulty walking upright (thanks to three days of having a locked sacrum because the goddamned drugs spasm my muscles), and still am somewhat catatonic and not in reality. But guess what assholes? FUCK YOU DAVE DENNY. FUCK YOU SPIRITUAL LIFE INSTITUTE. FUCK YOU OPUS DEI. FUCK YOU ROMAN CATHOLIC CHURCH. FUCK YOU ALL YOU GODDAMNED ROGUE SO CALLED CHRISTIAN AGENTS IN THE SECURITY AGENCIES. AND MOST OF ALL FUCK YOU RATZINGER, YOU SATANIC SPAWN. I WILL NEVER NEVER NEVER SERVE YOU. So, now, go ahead, feed me more drugs to try to change my mind. That is all you stupid bastards know how to do--coerce and destroy in the name of God. Death is preferable to life right now for me, but as long as I draw breath, I will protect my soul from you and your sick, warped hateful religion.

My God--how long can i suffer

My God--how long can i suffer the misery of these gd psychotropics and massive migraines. dysfunctional. cant read. not only cant concentrate but literally hurts to open eyes. my head, entire head is tender to touch. my eyes feel like on fire, and every muscle in my body aches and is locked even my jaw muscles. hard to open mouth. over three days of this hell. god help me endure. guess this is what i get for being me. very sick to talk to anyone . god help mee.

Wake up to another day from hell

Wake up to another day from hell. Wake up wanting to scream to curse to cry to drug myself, to slash wrist, anything anything to get rid of this drugged up hell that is my head. head so heavy i cant hold straight. eyes dont wont open. muscles all spasmed. massive headache. want to cry throw things. this is no way for a human being to wak up. my life not worht living.

Quickly becoming dysfunctional

Quickly becoming dysfunctional--after one bad day woke up too sick to do any kind of activity, not yoga not brain wave bibration. Body is going catatonic, cant turn head or torque torso. Muscles r all locked and hurt , unable to do any physical exercise. going to be a losted, wasted day while the goddamned ratz led christian nazis torture me. forgot to mention--arms now as numb and dead as legs. severely drugged.

Another fucked up day

Another fucked up day--again too sick to do yoga. The goddamned Christian zealots are at it again. dont those motherfuckers ever get the message. Yes I am spiritual. Yes I am Christian. No I AM NOT CELIBATE. NO I DO NOT SUPPORT YOUR INSTITUTIONAL ABUSE OF ME AS A WOMAN, LESBIAN OR HUMAN BEING. I guess ratz agenda now is just to listen in on my sleep, and then try to use me after my death to support his evil agenda. NO NO NO. Christianity, ALL religions, need a fundamental overhaul to have any meaningful impact for the future. Yes I have ideas, but I am kept too drugged up to ever write or speak about them, while the goddamend Nazi/Ratz boys who truly are in the service of their goddamned angel Lucifer (and also high up in the agencies and govt bureaucracies) make my debilitated condition a justification for further abuse. I truly am tired, tired of neverending goddamned drugging, headaches, pain, loneliness, enforced isolation and celibacy. But I won't give you shit. Anything you want you stupid pricks you will have to steal from me in my sleep. Tired and sick and got a fucking headache. Running out of fironal while they tell every goddamned doctor i go to that i am a dope addict. hate the bastards.

Just another drugged up Monday

Just another drugged up Monday--struggling once again to do small, normal, routine chores. My chemical saturated brain has almost forgotten what it is like to wake up energized and energetic, with plans and ambitions and ideas. It is Monday. There are things I should be doing, but the drugs have sapped all initiative, desire, and energy. I know when I am mentally healthy. I can't bear to watch TV--what a colossal waste of time for somebody whose mind is working on the never ending grand puzzle, and whose energy just hums. Conversely, when I am mentally unhealthy, all I feel capable of doing is sitting in the chair, mesmerized by the boob tube. I am definitely mentally unhealthy right now, zapped by whatever drug I am on (the goddamned fuckers tampered with my CA/MG supplement--during yoga class!!-- and trying that out a few weeks ago was the last time I felt normal. I also know I am mentally unhealthy when I can't read intense and provocative thought pieces, but want to read fluff (for me, that usually means sports. Do I really care about Brett Favre and Michael Vick? Not when I am healthy--when my mind is able to engage on a really deep level, but when I am just looking for diversion from dead brain syndrome, I do). I've been wanting to write a letter on health care to my senator, but that is another idea I am unable to execute. I write in my head before I ever sit in front of a word processor or with a pen. I organize it. I have all the details supporting it, and know what my intro and conclusion will be, before the words ever appear in objective format. But my poor brain is so fucking fried that I cannot keep anything in my head--no short term RAM processor available to me while I move blocks of thoughts and words mentally in my head. For someone like me, who is normally so verbal, this inability to think, or to visualize my ideas in organized language, is intensely frustrating and deadening. But nothing for it. I'm fucked, and might as well read about Cyborg scoring a TKO in the first round. No thought, no mental orgazination, or verbal fluency required there. I realize (watching TV, and most especially the news channels) that such dumbing down and lessening of mental and verbal acuity is actually what the media "empire" aims for. This is why our political landscape is now driven by a vacuous and savvily marketed cult of personality and kneejerk emotions rather than insight, intelligence, and truth. Nothing I can do about it. My brain has been successfully poisoned by the castrating chemicals that a significant minority of this country now ingest--whether legally or illegally. But I tell myself to try, to persevere, to keep going. But I tell myself, "force yourself to move; do brain vibration even though your legs are so dead that you can't even feel them except for the burning heat sensations above your ankles." Try, try try no matter how hard it is. God it is so fucking hard.

Barely able

Barely able to drive home from yoga, so fucked up and autistic. dont know how i made it thr yoga when legs were dead. now entire bodyt is dead. Just want to sleep. trying to watch a lil tv so day is not a total wasete. dont think that is going to happen. I am majorly fucked up.

Whatever caused the scar on my right ankle

Whatever caused the scar on my right ankle (some kind of laser surgery, done no doubt during one of regular nightly abductions--I'd rather be anally raped--another specialty of the goddamned aliens and their handlers agenda--since I can handle emotional trauma better than physical trauma), and this is creating major complications. My entire right foot is now lame and tender and I cannot put weight on it. I have always had problems with severe pain in my left ankle from the goddamned implants, and now I have it on my right foot as well. The pain is so bad that it makes me cry out. I got my bike back, but I no longer can go for long bike rides. Just as with everything else that is enjoyable to me, the goddamned torturers use it to download their shit (and what is that sticky stuff all over my handlebars????HMMMM, I can't even begin to imagine..yeah right) and poison in my brain so that I can not even go more than a couple of miles when I have to return. I saw video today of Grand Junction and it put the longing in me for hiking in the mountains and cool forest, but with my goddamned brain fried on the fucking implants I can't drive any distance (oh, driving is another one of their fun times to torture me with download shit), and I can't walk a half mile to the park, much less take a mountain hike. No one can imagine my despair at this, but I channel it all into hate--hate of the assholes who are doing this to me, hatred for their agenda and their lies, and just a deep down conviction and fortitude that I will never serve. Hack into my brain all you want you scumbag luciferian worms. I recognize evil and lies and I won't cooperate. All of the pain and body destruction I have suffered, you think I can't stand anymore???? Death before slavery to the forces of evil.

Oh let me not forget to thank the goddamned torturers for poisoing the milk I drink at night to sleep. On top of it all, I am suffering from severe acidic agitation and possibly an ulcer ( who me, have stress????), and the only cure I know (since I can't even go to a goddamned doctor who doesnt believe all the shit and lies that the goddamned aphabet spooks tell them) is milk, and now I can't even drink milk.

Wasted day after a terrible nite

Wasted day after a terrible nite--brain was hacked again--now the dumbasses are trying to tell me, if I understand it right, that I was "cast under a magical spell centuries ago" when I was, apparently, so they say, one of them, and so am bound and obligated to obey them once again. Quite clearly, these motherfuckers never heard of free will. They have no regard for any value by which I live my life. I don't want to deconstruct my dream because I refuse to give those assholes any weapon or though or idea that they can use against me. In my dream I knew that I was being visited by evil spirits and cried out in tongues for protection. I have one question for myself--is the foreign language I am using the divine gift of tongues for protection or am I being duped in my unconscious to channel? No one will tell me the answer. I have to figure it out for myself. Now I just have to make sure tonite that I sleep, even if I have to knock myself out with alcohol. I can't have another horrible nite like last nite. My body wants to sleep, to rest, but I have evil forces lurking, waiting to pounce on me at every opportunity. I am too sick to care, to sick to read, to sick to think. All I can do is pray in the name of Jesus, Yeshua, to save me from these evil, sick forces.

Another cycle beginning

Another cycle beginning--woke up with eyes so sore that they don't want to open--actually hurts to keeep eyes open. My entire head is painful and too tight. I got way too much csf in brain. Trying to get up and do thing. but I dont know if i can be successful.

Goddamned mofos

Goddamned mofos have fucked me up majorly. Barely able to function. cant walk. my foot muscles now are spasming, not just ankles, legs dead. arms cant lift because nerve pain from allTHE FUCKING GODDAMNED IMPLANTED SHIT IS MESSING UP MY NERVES. Goddamned assholes poisoned my milk and i think my goddamned meds once again--fine fucking assholes, i will just quit going to yoga. i am so fucked up all the time whats the point anyway. of course i know you don't give a shit, and that you gota all the plans to murder hundreds of athousands of americans and and millions of others--all to make your goddamned filthy money and destroy the people who are the salt of the earth. so i know i got nothing coming nor nothing to expect from you but evil, hatred, totalitarianism, and murder. I can do nothing but pray. soon i wont be able to walk at all.

Knew it was too good to last

Knew it was too good to last--spent a bad nite crying from pain and swollen body. Ketoacidosis is intensified. Barely functional this morning--hurts to even move head or eyes but I must because I have a job obligation. I can't wait to get back home and go to bed. It's going to be a long bad day.

So what do I owe this respite to?

So what do I owe this respite to? Two days of pretty good functioning. I can't say that I am healthy, but I am functional. I am suffering from headaches, shooting nerve pain in my left thight, weak muscles in my biceps and arms and legs, and a complete lack of energy whenever I try to do anything. But at least I can do some things. I cleaned house a little bit, stocked my fridge, and am trying to figure out how to work, but I know I cannot work fulltime right now. I still am not myself, nor healthy enough to do fulltime work. I also am worried about the vibes in the air. Things aren't feeling right. All I can do is pray, and keep praying. If they sock the shit out of me tomorrow with psychotropics, at least I've got plenty of food and water. Amazing, how I struggle to obtain just the basics of life. I tried to play a little music today but the energy level and the emotional reasonance just isn't there. But overall, a good past couple of days...

More same old same old

More same old same old--trying to force myself to get up and get some energy moving. Yesterday I spent all day in bed sleeping and when I went out to dinner with my mom, I was so drugged that I was nearly comatose, barely able to respond, much less initiate conversation and enjoy myself. Then I dragged myself out of bed this morning but too drugged to make it to yoga. But now I am trying to force myself to do some brain wave movement, which yesterday was a total impossiblity. My back is spasming and I need to move, but everything, every movement is so damned hard--just struggling to get through the day but I know that if I don't start moving, my body is going to get more and more dammed and locked up. Have to try.

Woke up drugged

Woke up drugged and am fighting to get some pep and energy in me so I can clean house a little before Mom arrives. All I want to do is lay down and try to sleep but I have to force myself to get up and move. I wonder if I can do brain vibration...

Sick all day with a migraine

Sick all day with a migraine--going to go to bed since I will be seeing Mom tomorrow. My house is messy but I am too sick to clean. Good nite...better to talk about my sexuality while I am here. Mom coming here tomorrow reminds me of how much I miss a sense of family, partnership, intimate relations. I got a former acquaintance texting me nasty messages about sex, but what I desperately need and miss, is a partner who is my equal in intellect, psychological breadth and spiritual maturity--not to mention being a horny lesbian!!! I keep hoping that will happen, but I all I have is hope. In the meantime, it will be good to see my mom. Hope Im not all drugged up tomorrow.

Still fighting for productivity

Still fighting for productivity as I am certain now that I am on some addtl kind of psychtoropic that steals all my energy. I was literally holding myself up against the sink in order to wash my dishes--didn't have the energy to stand by myself. Now,. as I type, I feel my muscle-weakened arms flag. My back muscles are all locked and I have major digestive issues going on. I need to do some brain vibration byt my energy is so stymied I don't know if i can do that. So tired of feeling enervated, drained and lifeless all the time. I wish Bill Clinton would rescue me from my own government and its luciferian puppetmasters and string puller. But it won't happen. I have to struggle to live life as meaninggully as I can, remembering people and heroes like Solzynshetin (too fucked up to look up spelling), or Nelson Mandela busting rocks for over 20 years. As long as I live I have to cling to hope. The most amazingly laughable thing about all this is that the goddamned religious zealots who are drugging me thinking that will lead to conversion have no idea what conversion is about. The fundamental prerequisite for conversion is a full life, even if only on a psychic level. The drugs steal my energy and not only prevent me from living a full life, but leave me depressed and angry at the fucking misery forced upon me. But these are people who have never experienced conversion themselves. If they had, they would not be forcing this shit on me. I have to get out the word to people what a toxic, deadly force such so-called religiuos leaders are. First I just have to have enough energy to function instead of waking up every morning hating life, and barely being able to drag myself thru day.

Trying to recuperate from 2 days of hell

Trying to recuperate from 2 days of hell but body is still really fucked. The back muscles are still locked, and tho I went to gym to try to work out (becuse I cant stand gaining weight and more weight and getting softer and flabbier). I was unable to work out for more than a half hour and could only do five minutes of cardio--body is so weak and stiff. Everytime these fuckers pull a torture routine on me, the body takes a mortal blow, untill now I have no physical strength. I also dpnot have any ability to focus or concentrate. Headache is unremitting. I did manage to go to get groceries. Small vicgtory. I wish I were someone else. but I am not so I have to keep forcing myself to try to stay fucntional and try to do brain vibratioon . too tired right now. suspect i still am on fucking psychotropic drugs that just depress me and make of life just a dragging through mud routine./

Fucking shit has started again

Fucking shit has started again--was going out of min last nite as the inquisitors once again started downloading poison shit inot my brain. face was grotesquely swollen as it tried to accomodate all the excess fluid . face didnt even look like me, not to mention the fucking alien eyes that make any true human being want to blow their brains out. got to sleep but this morning im so fucked up its painful to move. every muscle in back is locked. hurt to type, my arme muscles connected to back and they are locked. too sick for coffee or food. cant keep eyes open or read. worse of all i have no foold and lil water. i was going shoppin g on wed so now i am too sick to goooanyhwere. i truly am nonfucntional sick, but spirit stays strong. they can try to change my dna rna all they want, my mind would rather die than cooperate, expecially when living is such misry.

Shooting pains in my ankles

Shooting pains in my ankles, and now I see an elongated scar 0n my right ankle, that I don't know how it got there. It probably has been there for a while, but I am just noticing it, as I ponder all the flesh tissue loss of my ankles (dimpled, "eaten" flesh), and the long grooved scallops along the tops of my ankles. My body is so deformed thanks to the goddamned ALIEN frankensteins and their Nazi henchmen that I cannot bear to look at it. I was able to do yoga today, but it was another day of the yoga draining what little energy I had. I was able to realize that the two or three days I spent in psychotropic drug hell caused my lower back to shift dramatically so that once again, I cannot inwardly rotate my legs (I WAS actually improving on that). I did have enough energy to do some brain vibrations or shaking for the first time in three days, but my energy flow is all disrupted. My knees are so locked and painfully stiff that I cannot stand and bounce on my feet. Never fails. No sooner do I spend hours and hours trying to improve my health, when along goes some alphabet soup psych who undoes it all, with their fucked up drugs and brain implants, and leaves me barely able to move. But even tho' physically I am getting more and more compromised and damaged, my emotional and spiritual core becomes stronger with each passing assault. I know that I have no intention of ever being set up as a "schizophrenic" patsy to talk or communicate with aliens that I consider to be humanity's enemies. I feel sorry for all the poor sobs who have set themselves up to be used as "channelers" and actually believe all the outrageious lies that these aliens impart. I may channel in my sleep, but I will never give my consent to it consciously, and you could shove all the goddamned drugs down my throat, and destroy my body, and destroy my life. As for me, I will serve the Lord, and keep praying that some day God redeems me from the hell that is my life....,Did I forget to mention that, just as I feared, I gained weight over this lastbout of psychotropic hell. Not only did I gain two pounds per the scale, I can literally feel my clothes tighter . SO FUCKING PISSED OFF AT THIS NEVER ENDING GODDDAMNED SHIT. SSHOVE THE GODDAMNED ALIEN THING UP YOUR ASS. I AM AN AMERICAN AND TRUE CHRISTIAN--I WILL NOT COOPERATE.

So are the fucking pricks giving me lithium?

So are the fucking pricks giving me lithium? fucking assholes never learn anything. they dont fucking care. if they cant get me to do their fucking satanic dirty work or be some stupid fucked up celibate saint that ratzinger can pull puppet strings on, they dont give a fuck what happens to my mind or body. worried about gaining weight again. too goddamned sick to even go for a bike ride. spend all day laying with towel wrapped round head. a good day is one in which i can watch tv. cant do yoga. too fucked up to even bend down dand touch toes. what i really want to do is get drunk (which is what makes me suspect lithium--getting drunk is only thing that makes me feel better) but i am so worried about weight gain that i try not to drink. besides it would require driving and i am too fucked up to drive. too fucked upf or anything. God let this nitemare end. i cant even do brain vibration. body so inert and catatonic it wont even vibrate. that s pretty fucked.

Another day in hell coming up

Another day in hell coming up--woke up with sick migraine (went to bed with sick migraine), increasing catatonia, locked up muscles taht make it difficult to move, and an inability to turn head or open eyes. I suspect lithium. but I cdont know. I am too fucked up to care. am drinking coffee to try to get ridc of headache but can tell this is goin to be another lost day. funny thing tho inside, ib ecome more more committed to inner freedom and contemptuous of these assholdes who do this to me . anybody out there who is truly on the spiritual paath, this is not about conversion, this is about coercion, and any religious institution that does this to a human being deserves to burn to the ground. llooks like they will be taking me with them. too sick for any of my ujsual comforts to work. all i can do is lay down with sheet round head and wish for death. I cannot believe that a person could suffer so much and still be alive. Come Lord Jesus, take me home, or free me from these b astards. tired of suffering.

Have to force myself to take action

Have to force myself to take action--so fucked up all I want to do is lay inbed with somthing round my head, but I have to fight. GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKERS that are doing this to me, ratzinger, opus dei and nazi catholics--i can no longer adopt a live and let live attitdude. i no longer can sympathize with all the good catholic women and men of faith i have known. The fucking roman catholic religion is evil and under the influence of evil men, and after the 12 years of hell, false incarceration, and worst of all, unrelenting drugging, I have to fight. This religion can no longer have any powerful sway in the world. But there is a religion, or better, "gospel" of Jesus Christ that I would like to see supercede it, but I am so fucked up that I cannot think clearly. But I have to start somewhere. I dodged another bullet this week, and I have to give thanks to God someway. I have to force myself to try to do brain vibration even tho i have no energy so that i cvan think clearly enough to at least wwrite of suffering imposed on me by these sick evil patriarchal pricks that I despise with every ounce of my being.

Woke up feeling like shit

Woke up feeling like shit with nausea and migraines after going to bed feeling like shit with naussea and migraines. I didn't even take off my clothes or bra. I didn't even brush my teeth. I can't get over what a waste my life is. I was so happy for a few days feeling halfway human, and now its back to the barely able to function mode. I think the calcium was helping me, but its absolutely useless to take as long as my torturers are going to keep throwing more and more psychotropics at me. I am so tired of all this shit. God, please let it end. It has been over 12 years since these goddamned Catholics and their stupid ass opus deid henchmen and dumbasses have let me live my life as a child of God. I am sick of this shit. Sick of it.