Just another drugged up Monday

Just another drugged up Monday--struggling once again to do small, normal, routine chores. My chemical saturated brain has almost forgotten what it is like to wake up energized and energetic, with plans and ambitions and ideas. It is Monday. There are things I should be doing, but the drugs have sapped all initiative, desire, and energy. I know when I am mentally healthy. I can't bear to watch TV--what a colossal waste of time for somebody whose mind is working on the never ending grand puzzle, and whose energy just hums. Conversely, when I am mentally unhealthy, all I feel capable of doing is sitting in the chair, mesmerized by the boob tube. I am definitely mentally unhealthy right now, zapped by whatever drug I am on (the goddamned fuckers tampered with my CA/MG supplement--during yoga class!!-- and trying that out a few weeks ago was the last time I felt normal. I also know I am mentally unhealthy when I can't read intense and provocative thought pieces, but want to read fluff (for me, that usually means sports. Do I really care about Brett Favre and Michael Vick? Not when I am healthy--when my mind is able to engage on a really deep level, but when I am just looking for diversion from dead brain syndrome, I do). I've been wanting to write a letter on health care to my senator, but that is another idea I am unable to execute. I write in my head before I ever sit in front of a word processor or with a pen. I organize it. I have all the details supporting it, and know what my intro and conclusion will be, before the words ever appear in objective format. But my poor brain is so fucking fried that I cannot keep anything in my head--no short term RAM processor available to me while I move blocks of thoughts and words mentally in my head. For someone like me, who is normally so verbal, this inability to think, or to visualize my ideas in organized language, is intensely frustrating and deadening. But nothing for it. I'm fucked, and might as well read about Cyborg scoring a TKO in the first round. No thought, no mental orgazination, or verbal fluency required there. I realize (watching TV, and most especially the news channels) that such dumbing down and lessening of mental and verbal acuity is actually what the media "empire" aims for. This is why our political landscape is now driven by a vacuous and savvily marketed cult of personality and kneejerk emotions rather than insight, intelligence, and truth. Nothing I can do about it. My brain has been successfully poisoned by the castrating chemicals that a significant minority of this country now ingest--whether legally or illegally. But I tell myself to try, to persevere, to keep going. But I tell myself, "force yourself to move; do brain vibration even though your legs are so dead that you can't even feel them except for the burning heat sensations above your ankles." Try, try try no matter how hard it is. God it is so fucking hard.