Friday, April 29, 2011

There's a circling orb hovering in the sky

There's a circling orb hovering in the sky above my house. I think it is an evil spirit looking to pounce. I saw them (there were three or four) once before in a couple of week stretch when I was a young woman after my conversion experience. This time there is just one. I think I have gotten rid of all the evil spirits except for one--the evil spirit of deception. That is the luciferian voice that attempts to delude me--this is why I constantly have the obsessive compulsive voice in me, telling me "be a nun" or "see you should have been a nun" when it is clear I have no such vocation whatsoever. It is also the voice that has led me to contacts in the religious community which have turned me over to really sick and evil people.

I am not in a good state right now. Between the heavy viral downloads and psychotropic drugs, I am barely in reality. Because the female hormones I am being force fed cause such excessive saliva and mucous in my mouth, I looked it up on the web last night and found that I probably am undermethylated--a common symptom among autistics. What is the first line of attack--why SSRI's of course. I knew at the time that the motherfuckers were going to force SSRI's on me, and that is what I think has me so depressed that I am suicidal and spend much of the day just crying and longing for death. SSRI's are not the answer you dumbass idiotic morons, but I no longer appeal to your intelligence or your compassion or sense of ethic. I know that you do not care what damage you do to my body or psyche, so long as you can enslave me to your agenda. But I know that the real reason my brain is moving along is because of the extremely high doses of testostorone that I have been taking, and I have decided to quit taking it, except when I am about to enter the semi-psychotic state that your psychotropic chemicals and implants put me in. I am in a lose situation, for without the testosterone, I can barely function and gain massive amounts of weight, but my life is so fucking miserable and not worth living, what the fucking hell...I have to be careful. I recognize that I was in a situation very similar to John Wheeler today, and I know his fate...death does not faze me, but I prefer to go out on my terms, not the terms and timeline set by truly evil beings.

My God, I have suffered for years

My God, I have suffered for years for this... After another day of physical agony and severe depression, I think I entered the antechamber of "the Holy Grail"--interdimensional realm of consciousness. WHAT A HUGE FUCKING DISAPPOINTMENT!!!! I've been there before, years ago, before the PIB's began the process of destroying my body and brain with implants. And guess what? When I did it before, I came back full of energy and agapic love and life, and the ability to give to others. Now, I enter, nearly destroyed in body and brain, so autistic that I can barely relate to anyone, unable to be employed, or do even the smallest of physical exercise, in constant physical pain and agony from all the destroyed mutilation, locked muscle spasms and cramps, and nerve pressure pain. This time I no longer I come back to "reality", all aglow with love and revitalized energy, but instead so fucked up that I can barely walk or hold my bowling-bowl head up, with all the excess csf and migraine pain I now experience. I left for the astral reality and came back, not wanting to do great things for God, but begging for death, because my physical existence is now such sheer, agonizing, hellish misery. I don't come back, physically and emotionally healed, but wishing that someone would put a blast from a double barreled shotgun in my head to end this hell that is my life. And all for a deep contemplative state that I have been in several times before, but have been prevented from reentering by the goddamned implants which destroyed my ability to do deep contemplation. I am reminded of my terrorized anxiety in kindergarten (I know because it was in Michigan), when I literally peed my underpants while I tried to open my mouth to say my ABC's which no matter how I tried, couldn't come out. But all that anxiety was for absolutely nothing, BECAUSE I ALREADY KNEW HOW TO READ BOOKS!!! No one ever taught me. I just knew, and a year or two later in early elementary school, I was happy to read in class, because it helped me to talk, BUT I WAS ALREADY READING ADULT BOOKS, including the Bible (KJV, mind you--not an easy read), and college level poetry. But in school I stayed in imaginative fantasy as I was utterly lost in the classroom, while teachers clapped their hands, and tried to teach syllabic emphasis. Even now, I still don't get it.

Nor do I get all the need for these goddamned implants to help one enter a contemplative state. As a matter of fact, I can definitely say that lot of the people (and aliens) who are able to enter this dimension have no great spiritual giftedness to envy or emulate at all. They may have a certain concentration of focus, but it is not the gift of God, or spirit, but of a learned discipline (albeit, helped along by alien tech implants), and while it is laudable, as are all efforts at learning the discipline of concentration and focus, it is a dangerous skill in the ranks of the spiritually immature--just like teaching martial arts to an aspirant in evil. That is the situation this world is in--so many of these interdimensionally fluent humans really do not have the spiritual maturity to own, recognize, appropriate and use the gift. I guess that is why they thought that they were doing me a big favor by implanting me--WHICH COMPLETELY DESTROYED MY PRE-EXISTING INNATE ABILITY FOR INTERDIMENSIONAL CONSCIOUSNESS (or as I prefer to call it, deep contemplation).

No, instead they have destroyed my body, leaving me pain wracked (even as I write this my arms are going numb from my mutilated shoulders), with no self-esteem, either about my bodily person or my spiritual life. They have destroyed the genius of my mind, leaving it slow, plodding, and autistically handicapped. They have stolen years from my life, leaving it full of physical pain and emotional and mental torment, and all for a gift I already possessed, had they been mature practicioners, and just able to guide and tweak it.

So congratulations you fucking assholes--mission accomplished. And all you had to do in the process was steal my joy, my energy, and my once proud and happy self-identity.
I'm sick to my stomach. I need to force myself to take a shower, and force myself to touch this Mengelian lump of flesh that is now my body, while I deal with reality in the constant haze of autistic stressful alienation from reality.

Just gotta say, no way in hell is or was it worth it. I would have wished for death years ago if I knew this was to be my future.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

At the request of my inner voice,

At the request of my inner voice, I have taken 8 testorone tablets in the last 4 hours. The recommended dosage for an adult male is 4 tablets in 24 hours. However, even now my body is craving more. I don't take it, because I know there is an alien implanted brain switch that releases female hormones with every dosage of testostorone. I desperately need more testostorone, but the female hormones are literally killing me, and so I have to work at balancing it out. So now, my eyes are able to be open to reality, and I can slowly, painfully hobble about. I can string words together in a sentence, think thoughts in my head and watch TV. That is a vast improvement over my near coma event earlier this morning, as my body went into shutdown mode on the excessive female hormones that the fucking aliens have put in me.

I am no longer out of my mind with rage, at the body realization that I am severely sick, unneccessarily suffering, and would be in a coma, if I did not take the initiative on what my own body tells me and feed myself testostorone. As a matter of fact, the female hormones depress and repress my body and brain natural impulses, so that I am incapable of thinking well or feeling feelings, but still deep inside I know that the goddamned aliens and their fucking religious zealot pig followers have really done a number on me that is going to force changes that I never wanted to make.

Despite the fact that I now have the body of a grossly obese 10 year old, I have to accept that the only way I am going to be able to live an emotionally healthy and productive life is to to have a gender change to male. I never wanted that. Having lived my whole life as a phenotype female, all I ever wanted was to revert back to the state that had served me well my entire life, and is the basis of my self-identity--intersexed lesbian female. I think that is now impossible. For the fucking Nazi pigs, in their desire to control and "perfect" reality, could not accept the miracle that was my intersexed lesbian identity. I went from being so autistic that I could barely function in reality or even talk to people, to having quite a unique and even loquacious personality--a little bit "off" or neurotic, I will admit, but still very fulfilling and productive--both for me and people I encountered.

Now however, I am afraid that in their desire to "cure" my autism, and turn me into their ideal fembotte icon, the fucking Nazi PIB's have made changes which have "normalized" my brain, and what that means is that it is no longer an immature, juvenile masculine, XY brain, with its unique need of female and male hormones. Now it is an adult, masculine XY brain, and it is going to need much larger dosages of testostorone than it did, prior to the alien brain tweaking, in order to function normally. Otherwise, I become severely autistic, or in extreme deprivaton (which now with my normal testostorne turned off, and forced excessive amounts of female hormones pumped into me, IS FREQUENT), my brain starts shutting down. I realize now that the frequent drowniness I experinece is a more benign way of the brain shutting down--and yes, a couple of more T-tabs, and I was awake enough to watch tv, instead of falling asleep, as my body wanted... As much as my body is craving testostorone (and like I said, if I could I would triple the dosage I already took--to a complete total of 24 tablets in a day--I have no idea how much T that really is, but I bet if I researched and broke it down that is the normal T requirements for an adult male under hormonal/mental stress--due to the virus), I am not going to be able to live as an intersexed female.

To be honest, I no longer desire to, anyway. The forced mutilations on my body turning me into a fat cow, has led to nothing but disgust and revulsion for the feminine body I was once proud to inhabit. I will never be happy in this body. Sadly, I know that I will never be happy as a man, either. I will look like a freak, in a tiny little body with masculine facial hair and bulging muscles. But I don't care about what I look like, or how society regards me. I know what I need to FUNCTION IN REALITY, TO BE PRODUCTIVE IN WORK, TO READ, TO WRITE, TO THINK. For that I am going to need the female hormones shut off and massive amounts of male hormones. I cannot stand being mentally incapacitated as I am by these excessive female hormones. My brain was not wired for them, and since the PIB made changes that made my brain even more masculine (because more normal or adult, instead of autistic or juvenile), it needs the testostorone even more.

Well, anyway, not happy about it, running out of steam, my armes going numb, time to try to hobble up and down alley for some kind of exercise.

Only good news is that it looks like that birth certificate thing boomeranged on obama's ambitions. I am just guessing by the look on his face at press conference. Small solace to the over 300 Americans who have now lost their lives and thousands more, their property, due to this narcissitic psychopath's ambitions....As much misery as is floating around, I will take the good wherever I can get it.

severely autistic

severely autistic--brain literally shutting down into a near coma. inner voice told me to take testosterone. had to force first two between teeth, couldnt open mouth. inner voice told me to take two more. losing vicious cycel. every time i take testosterone, the fucking pigs got my brain wired to release more estrogen. but brain and body cannot live, cannot function without its requisite need for its innate need for man sized testotoren. i am a man you fucking assholes, and you will kill me in your stupidass, small brained insistence on making me a woman. i used to be happy and proud to present myself as a woman. even though i knew deep inside i wasnt one. ccongratulations, you fucking assholes, you have made me despise my female body with a vehenemnce that i did not think possible. cant deal with that now. just trying to stay alive. shoulder hurst to much to type more. at least i can open my eyes after four testosteroe.

Evil continues to wreak massive damage

Evil continues to wreak massive damage, both to me personally and to this country. Personally, every day I wake up, hating life. The female hormones I am being force fed DO NOT SYNCH WITH MY BODY OR BRAIN, and I am miserable, totally and completely miserable, as I try to drag through life. I also am suffering from a lot of fibromyalgic pain, and shoulder pain. I don't know if this pain was always there, but high testosterone masks pain, or if I have lost so much muscle that there is unbearable pressure put on the puny pathetic muscles left (I already noticed my problems in trying to walk with mutilated leg muscles--had no energy, no stride, and was limping badly at the end of a one mile walk). Could also be that the female hormones just allow for too much accumulation of fluid on muscles and ligaments. All i know for sure is that I AM A LUMPEN FLESH OF AMPUTATED MISERY, PRAYING TO GOD FOR DEATH, RATHER THAN LIVE IN THIS MISERABLE BLOB ANOTHER DAY LONGER.

No use focussing on self though, because evil creates misery everywhere. there are 172 dead in the southern states. this coincided with obama grinning and flashing his cia birth certificate. THIS IS COMPLETELY RELATED. without high testosterone, i no longer am able to think clearly so i hope someone can work to make connections. i no longer have mental capacity to do so. The God of Baal is the storm god. this is related to the god of the Templars. their patronage by this god is actually aliens. brain can't think. but it has to do with the pleidians who visited hitler in the thirties. hitler shunned them, and focused instead on orions/grays. but a faction of germans, led by canaris, a knight templar kept in touc h with these pleidians and when the third reich fell, vowed to start a fourth reich. i think they plan that date to be april 29, which is why that is such an important. it is the knights templar, the german nazi faction (if they arent nazis why have so many abductees reported seeing these guys wearing nazi wuniforms) who are backing obama--backed by the pleidians run out of area 51. doctor who "delivered" jobama, was a dr;. ssinclair--grand old templar family. they are responsible for storms.

there is more, but brain no longer capable of thinking rationally, evertyning a mess---all jumbled up. that is okay . fucking assholes dont want a womajn who can think--they want a psychologica teat to suck. that is all i am now.---tits and fat. disgusting, hate body beyond belief.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

worse than i thought

worse than i thought--i am now very catatonic--cannot move head to side or up. recognize the mind wipe now--advanced state of lithium saturation. took me days to get here to catatonic state years ago, but i no longer am healthy. recognize that major brain damage is happening now. MOTHERFUCKING PIGgs already have destroyed my verbal facility and memory with their goddamned lithiyum. totally helpless before it now. dont care. no matter what i can never recuperate from damage pigs do.

i guess this is the result of me listening to b joels song, scene from italian restaurant. i had watched him on tv and wanted to listen to some of songs i no longer listen to because i have them on lp not cd. as i listened to that song, a sense of joy kicked it, because it moves FAST, and amazingly enough, i could remember the lyrics. i love music but i can never get or remember lyrics right, but this one i could--came tripping off tongue with no effort. and i knew why---because that is the frequency at which my brain NATURAALLY moves. FAST--that is why the recall is effortless and perfect, which is rare for me. When i am verbally facile--i speak fast. i no longer speak fast, nor do i have my once great vocabulary. it is not mental illness that my brain moves fast, that is a gift you goddamnned fucks. and you have destroyed it, like you have destroyed me.

long as im talking ot you tell the stupidass fuck who writes to me third party, that you fucking pigs are nothing like my father. he beat my ass, but he never tried to destroy my mind. He worked to provide for me in my childhood, whereas you sons of bitches are nothing but parasitical leeches who have not done one thing for me, but cost me money and livelihood, gifts of the mind and spirit, and years of joy. AYou are just a big parassites sucking on my teat, and i despise you.

Now it is time ot go drink vodka, only think makes lithium bearable. and try not to think abuot how much brain damage you caused this time. brain isnt working anyway--hell what does a woman need a brain for--you have all the ideas you want to put in my head. fuck you goddamned parasites---and never compare yourself to my father. He was a deeply wounded man but hhe was a MAN--and that is more than i can say for you totaltarian dicks.

Black hole of depression and self hatred

Black hole of depression and self hatred the absoulte deepest i have ever been in. nonfunctional. no energy. NONE--not even emotional energy to hate the fuckinson of bitch pigs who have destroyed my body and self identity. in a lot of pain--back completely fucked up, in constant shoulder pain, and now i have nerve pressure points pain, but the worst pain of all is having self identity stolen. i have been turned into a zombie, autistic zombie, incapable of relating to world, giving a fuck about anything. dont even want to watch news--take effor to understand, and i dont have energy for effort. i pray to God for death, but
God says endure. for what? to live a fembot zombie for rest of life. I can't see any hope--caught between reptiles on one hand and Pleidian-backed nazis on the other. there is maybe another option but i am too sick to understand, think or write about it. i am just a lump of felsh waithing for death, cant come quickly enough. To live in this body and with this mind for any peoriod of time is just sheer fucking hell

I know my last post was a rant

I know my last post was a rant, but I stand by it. My dream last night told me that my perception was right on. I woke up with even more cutting taking place. In their attempt to steal my soul, the abductors are whittling me down to nothing. Nothing is all they will ever get from me. My soul is safe, but I cannot stop the mutilation of my body or the hormonal castration they have put on me. They continue to force female hormones on me while disconnecting my hormonal need for testosterone, and with that, they have stolen the unique personality and spiritual gifts that they so covet to possess by "possessing" me. Once again, I am high dosage testosterone tablets, so that I can get up the energy and drive to at least write this, but I know that not only am I severely autistic, I have lost all desire to relate to the world at all. Just want to hide in my mutilated shell and wish for death. Later, I will try to write more, but while the testosterone energy is kicking in, need to do things. My poor body--wracked my muscle spasms, unable to walk, no stamina---my life aint worth living.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Completely depressed

Completely depressed as I struggle ot live with the heartrending results of the latest mutilation job--not only have they chopped off my shoulders even further, leaving mutilated nubs instead of stumps, they once more cut off major portions of my torso--muscle. I went to lift a 2 gallon jug of water this morning and did not have the strength to lift it! While pouring from a gallon jug, I had to stop and use two hands. In other words, I have lost major muscle, but NOT any fat. Indeed, if anything, I am fatter, as evidenced by my ever tightening clothes, and ever increasing bulge of the belly. There is nothing I can do about it. I KNOW BEYOND A DOUBT NOW, (because of witnessing the weight that my neighbor has lost after telling him to get on testosterone), that the source of all my weight problems is not enough testosterone. As a matter of fact, that is the source of the overwhelming lot of my mood problems, both of emotional centeredness and the ability to mentally concentrate. I AM A MALE IN EVERY CELL OF MY BODY, INCLUDING MY HORMONE NEEDS AND DEMANDS. I don't need testosterone for a sex life. I need it to be able to think, to move, to get up and function, to laugh, and enjoy life, TO BREATHE. I AM NOT A FEMALE, AND ALL THE MUTILATION IN THE WORLD WILL NEVER MAKE ME ONE--IT JUST MAKES ME AN UNHAPPY, DEPRESSED, AND DISTRESSED EUNUCH.

Now I am sorry that all the fucking male pigs (and they are overwhlemingly male) in the world and in alien dimensions who are looking for a feminine avatar are so disappointed in me. I really am. Obviously, you have chosen to reject true spirituality, true freedom, and fullness of humanity for a mind-control slave vision of reality in which women, the feminine fill some unconscious niche for you. I would tell you to marry, to work with women as colleagues, and thus, you would get your need for the feminine met in a real, healthy and virile way. But as the overwhelming lot of you are ROMAN CATHOLIC CONSERVATIVES (both traditional religious orders and lay orders such as Opus Dei), I know that you already reject true spirituality, true freedom, and true manhood. You are pornographers of the spirit. You cannot accept a person, a woman for the individual that she is--you have to airbrush her so that she meets your needs. You don't like my LESBIAN SEXUALITY, or my strong muscles, so in my sleep you chop them off, leaving me freakishly pathetic, with my arms completely unable to move without the breasts getting in the way. Well, guess what? I have less respect for you than I have for the porno addicts. Yes, they can not accept women for the individuals that they are, but want some airbrushed version in their heads, but at least they understand the word, NO. For years, I have screamed at the top of my lungs in this blog, that I want you sons of bitches to leave me alone--that I despise your notion and pursuit of spirituality, but you won't listen. Instead, you deny me my very humanity and fullness of being and assault and MUTILATE the flesh that God gave me!!!! God, how fucking warped can you pathetic monsters be?

I bring this up, because lately I have been getting that proprietary smile again from men--don't know who the hell they are--blue-eyed psychic guero who wants to be my new neighbor (what the hell--the block that I live has to have the largest concentrations of remote viewers in the world, with the likely exception of Washington D.C., and maybe Wall St). Today, I saw another character that I recognized from years ago--Opus Dei. Dear God, I can't believe those sorry sacks of stale, traditional, wanna be spirituality are stalking me again. It isn't enough that their bankrupt, patriarchal religion has two of the most evil players on the planet--Ratzinger and Kolvenbach. No, they still cling to the mind-control system that created, allowed for, and nurtured those monsters to rise up in the ranks of ecclesiastical power, while the people of real spirit are rejected and/or totally turned off by institutional religion (Amen, brothers and sisters, that includes me!!!).
I HAVE NO RELIGIOUS VOCATION. I AM NOT CELIBATE. I am a person of deep spirituality who will impact the world for the better, but my arc is of of a completely different bend than yours. I HAVE NOTHING IN COMMON WITH YOU, BUT BASIC, COMMON MORALITY OF THE LAW. You hear me talking in my sleep, but you don't ask me about it me? Is it MY ANIMA? FOR I DO NOT EVEN HAVE THE PSYCHE OF A W0MAN YOU DUMB MORONS. I HAVE THE INNER PSYCHE OF A MAN. Maybe, just maybe, it is an evil spirit of deception. You know, we intersexed people are famous for having those. Because we long to be of one gender or the other, an evil spirit of deception lurks in our minds trying to tell us to want to be one or the other (because then we will finally feel normal). Hopefully,when a well adjusted intersexed person finally accepts that gender identity "normal" will never happen, but they will always be "inter"sexed, the deceptive spirit disappears, but more likely it can still linger deep inside, because, gender and sexuality are the basic building blocks of self-esteem and self-identity, and those evil spirits can run amok there.

SO, HERE IS MY FAIR NOTICE, ALL YOU PATRIARCHAL PORNOGRAPHERS OF THE SPIRIT, I am a tolerant, easy going person, but I am not going to tolerate you pigs anywhere near me. If you come near me, I am going to let loose with a blue barrage that tells you exactly what I think of your type of man (even if I did have a vocation, you couldn't stand me. I would be the kind of "nun" you try to control legislatively, and would I fight back, you sons of bitches...). I suppose that nice guys might get caught in the crossfire, but unless they are psyhic, they shouldn't know. If they are psychic and genuin mensches, well I apologize in advance. But I am beyond sick and tired of suffering at the hands of the porno hounds, and I don't even want them anywhere near me.

A lot going on in my head

A lot going on in my head, but I am too fucked up to express myself in writing. It is all excessive female hormones right now, which does not allow me, my brain or my being to express itself creatively. It is not that female hormones frustrate creative expressiveness; it is that my brain was designed for and needs testosterone dominance in order to be creatively expressive. I literally cannot bring the ideas out of my head and work to put them together logically and coherently. Which is too bad, because a lot of stuff is going on. I thought about just throwing ideas out without making any connections but I it is such a struggle to do that. I find myself stymied in autistic obsessive-compulsive loops, just wanting to play solitaire over and over again (I don't even have the mental initiative necessary to learn a new game). Even in solitaire, I can tell that my mind can't hold multiple cards and possibilities in my head, making me a much poorer player.

There is nothing I can do about i---I take high dosage T-tablets, and for a few minutes I get a burst of energy and vitality, feeling almost human again, and then the female hormones kick in. I think the abducting alien torturers have switched something in my brain so that when I get a testosterone rush, the female hormones kick in as well. I know when the female hormones kick in. First of all my mouth becomes all clogged with mucous, WHICH I HATE WITH EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING. Then I get a rush of negative energy, which drains all the positive energy that the testosterone gave me. That is when I become full of rage and frustration, hating every aspect of my being with ferocious passion, and wanting to shred my arms and throw things. It is not the testosterone that is making me angry--it is the female hormones.

I vacillate between anger and depression, all the while hating my body. Last night I came to the realization that, despite my reluctance to give up my body of 50 years, the only way I am ever going to feel human again is to be have a gender change. I can handle the tension and conflict of an intersexed being--being a man in a woman's body, but I AM SICK AND GODDAMNED TIRED OF SUFFERING ABUSE AT THE HANDS OF PINHEADED, SMALL-BRAINED DIMWITS WHO CANNOT. In a way, it is not even that big of a decision. I hate my body as it now is. I HATE IT. I HATE IT. I HATE IT.
But the bottom line is that it is not the mutilated, fat body that drives me crazy; it is the emotional and mental autistic frustration that the female hormones cause that leads me to a disconnect with realtiy. I don't want to be an Emily Dickinson.

Anyway, lot going on, but can't pull it out of my brain. That's okay--remote viewers are doing it--they always get it a little bit wrong, but i don't have the positive energy or mental capacity to change that right now.
Just another day of feeling like shit, hating life and body I am in.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Totally non-functional once more

Totally non-functional once more, and in agony of physical pain, as I try to survive the results of the abduction from last Saturday night. The aliens involved, (and I think it to be Salusa's associates, though I cannot be positive), did facial alterations on me that have not only flattened my face, but more importantly brings even more viral fluid to bear on cranium. The pain last night was UNBEARABLE, as the excess fluid puts pressure on my facial and dental nerves, as well as the sinuses. Even now, I am aware of the facial pain, and the clogged sinuses which leads to a stuffy nose and difficulty breathing. My left arm is so lame as to be nearly useless. Occasionaly pain will shoot through in agonizing spasm. Catches me unaware. However, by far the most debilitating aspect of my current suffering is the excess csf on my brain---once more I am suffering from the brain tumor syndrome/severe autistm. Surfed the web a little bit, and had to keep my eyes shut while pages were loading. cannot bear to see moving images. eyes shut while i type this. cannot bear any stimuli at all. as a matter of act, eyes are barely open. I cannot function in this state at all.
What has been the point of all the suffering I have endured at the hands of these evil aliens? NOthing they have done has done anything of benefit or value to me. I guess they accept now that I am autistic and intersexed, bu anyone who would have listened to me years ago, would have known that. In their stupidity and desire for mind control, they still are trying to force me into being a celibate for their edification (and maybe getting turned on by a lesbian scene in the Lenny Bruce movie is the reason for the latest abduction torture), but I know who I am, and what I came to do, and if I were healthy and free enough I could relate it, if only in writing. But instead I have to spend hours trying to figure out what is going on, so I can understand the torture happening to me. Know more, thinking on it, but so sick the past couple of weeks unable to think at all. Now, it is worse, now i am physically ill and in terrible pain as well. Think I am just going to start showing ideas out there, too sick to make connection but ideas have vailitdy. I am in too much pain to continue right now--facial pain starting up.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Body not sustainable

Body not sustainable in current state. figured out what fucking pricks did to my face--they put unbearable pressure on my sinueses to get more fluid to face. face grotesquely swollen, but the pain on sinuses unbearable. not to mention that it leave sme completely clogged up and unable to breathe. Left arm is swollen with fluid and feels dead. has no sensation except pain. with this level of circulatory problem tissues will be dying off soon. pain was so bad earlier going out of my mind with crazed pain. inner voice told me to take a second full vicodin pain was so bad. innervoice usually tells me not to take more pills. i have to seek medical teatment tomorrow. I can live in this body, just dont know what to ask for--xray of sinuses, something to reduce swelling in arm. head is so heavy i literally cant hold it up. i am going to die if somehting doesnt change. death doesnt bother me, but living at this level of misery and unbearable pain does. help Me God, hlep me get treatment i need.

Just got out of the shower

Just got out of the shower--no wonder my face looks like a stranger. It has been flattened out yet again. I can tell by washing my face. Ear canals are deepened again, and it looks like once more, cutting was done on my shoulders. LOL. FUCKING ASSHOLES IF YOU THINK THAT FUCKING SHIT IS GOING TO GET ME TO DO YOUR FUCKING EVIL AGENDA. HELL NO! NEVER! I SEE WHERE YOUR MOUTHPIECE IS SAYING WORRY ABOUT YOUR SOUL, NOT YOUR BODY. WELL GUESS WHAT, I AM WORRIED ABOUT MY SOUL, AND DOING EVERYTHING I CAN TO PROTECT IT FROM YOU AND YOUR EVIL AGENDA. I may go psychotic, but I will never do shit for you! Play your little mind games all you want--I have a feeling you set my mom up to call, but I am a step ahead of you nowon your mind game bullshit. Unfortunately, I am a step behind in the astral abduction department and I can't stop you from damaging my brain and psyche, but KNOW THIS ASSHOLES, I WILL GO PSYCHOTIC, BEFORE I GO OVER TO YOUR SIDE. TAKE YOUR PHONY, LYING, GODDAMNED NAZI RELIGION AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!!!!

Not a very joyful Easter

Not a very joyful Easter this year. I am weighed down, way down, way down past depression, and into suicidal ideation range. Taking large doses of testosterone helps. At least, it can get me up and moving, but nothing can replace the lost starter wire, spark plug, and engine chug that allowed my brain to think, focus, penetrate, and connect. I am a little bit worried, because it looks like this next week is going to be really intense, and I am severely handicapped by the negative and stymied mental and emotional state that I am currently in. I have to drag to do anything at all. Nothing for it. I cannot drive a car that has no fuel. The excess female hormones totally collapse my world into a semi-psychotic nothingness--not the fecund nothingness of the spirit and contemplation, which opens one up to the fullness of reality and relationship, but the nothingness of psychosis. It is a struggle just to live these days.

Think I was abducted again last night. Woke up once more with no feeling function whatsoever. Very hard to read and assess without it. Desire, holy desire, is what keeps me motivated and it is gone, totally gone. Interesting thing, though, is they did something to my nose--like broke and reset it. The cartilage is feeling funning and way too malleable. As many times as it has had probes stuck up it, God only knows what is wrong. I cannot bear to look at myself in the mirror. Even my face no longer looks like it belongs to me.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Another day from hell gone

Another day from hell gone--too sick to read, write, pray, ponder, do anything. I watch TV, but even that is not enjoyable. I am suffering and psychologically tortured to the point of semi-psychosis. I try to keep control over myself, but the truth is that I want to scream, curse, rage--not because there is some inner demon in me that needs to be exorcised, but because my suffering is the result of an unjust torture that has been going on for years and I AM SICK TO THE DEATH OF IT. You stupid fucking bastards, playing your stupid fucking mind games--having some black guy walk up and down my street cursing life. You are so fucking stupid and out of touch with reality--real people, real life, and real situations, that you don't even know that I know every single one of your stupidass Nazi, Jesuit mind games. I KNOW when someone is acting out of suffering, and for them I have compassion, and I know when someone is acting out of a mind control game, and for them I have CONTEMPT. I have decided to quit playing along and point out all your stupidass, lame games and ploys here in this blog (like the mother and son combo walking by yesterday,,,,), just because I want you to know that you are so goddamned stupid and artless that I can see through every move you make. Unfortunately, while my mind knows every stupidassed, pathetic mind control game you play, it is hard for my abused, violated, and tortured free spirit, not to lose emotional control That is why I had to leave the laundry yesterday--I was close to screaming out the frustration and rage of the drug-induced psychosis, at the top of my lungs. You got me to act out of my emotional frustration once before, and I ended up in jail for six months. In a way, it was a good experience, because before then, I actually had a little bit of Christian good will and respect for you (oh, the poor, sappy opus dei patriarchal christians--they don't know any better--in their own blind way, they think they are doing the best for me--bs,bs,bs...). Well, guess what? I NO LONGER HAVE THAT PROBLEM--I know what lousy pieces of shit you all are, and I don't care how much I suffer, I HAVE LOST ALL RESPECT FOR YOU, and won't have anything to do with you, under any circumstance or condition. Just got to be careful--tonight, I watched a movie about Lenny Bruce, and though I don't know much about him, I recognize a kindred free spirit, devoted to unmasking the mendacity and hypocrisy of people like you. Sadly, he was hounded to the point of a nervous breakdown and suicide (or was it murder?). I refuse to go out like that. Yes, I need my little outlets--screaming and cursing at you torturing mind control pigs, at the top of my lungs, but I am nowhere near a breakdown. I just gotta keep cool long enough to survive, and my temper rages hidden in the confines of my home. That and pills to help me go to sleep, which is hard to do in the semi-psychotic state I am in...God bless Lenny Bruce, God bless all free spirits, and God bless me. Amen.

Dreamed last night

Dreamed last night that the newspaper editor who was my employer was unhhappy with me, because I had been hired to do investigative work and hadn't "done a thing". That dream is a an accurate assessment of the last couple of weeks of my life. I haven't made any substantial progress on any of my projects, and I even quit watching the online class on the Kabbalah that I was taking. Why? BECAUSE THE STUPID FUCKING PIGS WHO HAVE MADE MY LIFE HELL HAVE CHANGED MY HORMONAL CONFIGURATION AND STOLEN AND DRAINED AWAY ALL MY ENERGY, LIFE, VITALITY, AMBITION AND DRIVE. It fucking sucks beyond belief or ability to bear. I don't know, because I am not a woman, how a woman lives with herself hormonally but I can assure you that all the fucking female hormones that I am being force fed are hateful and counterproductive in the extreme. When I say counterproductive, I mean that I am not capable of producing SHIT. I am not able to think, not able to focus or concentrate, not able to make connections or penetrate the truth from a dogpile of lies and disinformation. Hell, I am not even able to be receptive as the first step in the process. That is just what all the excess female hormones are doing to my mind. As regards my emotional life, they are blocking all my energy, which is the source of my spiritual life and joy, the source of my ability to relate to the Holy Spirit and others in a lifegiving, energy enriching, and mutually enjoyable way. It is incredible to me that anyone would think that I am happier or more peaceful or centered in this state. No, I am just too goddamned sick to care. My calm state is just the result of someone who is so sick and suffering so much that I don't complain, yell or rage, because I need to husband all resources to deal with how godawful bad I feel. Dale looked as if she doubted me when I told her that I was hating the way I feel. Well, trust me, to you, it may look normal, but to me it could not be more abnormal. I HATE THE WAY I FEEL WITH A FUCKING PASSION, A FUCKING PASSION, and furthermore as I keep telling everyone, YOU ARE KILLING THE GOOSE THAT LAYS THE GOLDEN EGG. Under this hormonal configuration, I am not capable of intellectual discernment or productiving, or emotional giving. I am just a stymied stump of fat flesh.

Today, I am healthy enough to state my emotions. Yesterday, the energy drain was so
great that I could barely stumble through life physically, much less complain of how shitty and fucked up I felt. As a matter of fact, for the first time ever in my life, I had to leave my clothes at the laundry mat half done. It is going to cost me a chunk of change to redeem them, but there was no alternative. I was so sick that I knew I had to leave immediately and get home, or else I was going to become so incapacitated that I would not be able to drive. I may not have gone to a religious service yesterday, but I can assure the level of suffering that I endured as a result of the damned hormones and virus onslaught was truly unbearable. As a matter of fact, it causes a kind of autistic semi-psychosis, which is so horribly unbearable that the only thing I can do is try to knock myself out with alcohol so that I don't feel it.

A final thought--I am beginning to rethink my position on sex change. As much as I want to keep my intersexed body, I have to accept that I no longer have MY intersexed body. The flesh I inhabit is a mutilated and fat bloated carcass which I despise with a passion. However, the most important concern is to get my energy levels back up to a point that I can be intellectually and emotionally responsive and creative in a lifegiving way. That will not happen under this hormonal configuration. The brain absolutely cannot think like this--there is too much negativity draining me. To be honest, I don't even want to live in this body anymnore. I went to scratch a rib today, and realized how much I hated this new mutilated body. I want my expanded torso and buff rib cage back. I want to feel good and happy about myself again, about my mind, about my energy, about my emotional life. If the only way I cand do that is to become a man, then so be it. I HATE WHO I AM NOW WITH A PASSION, AND I JUST WANT IT TO BE OVER WITH.

Now, gotta go pick up my clothes left at the laundry mat and do some shit, before I become so non-functional that I can barely move.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Something going on

Something going on--I can "feel" it, but have no real idea. The world is in such a paroxysm of crisis, it could be anything on the world stage. I have been too sick to be conscientious in my reading and research. Now that I have figured out what has left me so very sick, maybe tomorrow will be better. I need to feel centered before I look at deeply unsettling news.

However, I also fear that the cabal may be planning another involuntary, nonconsensual game. More mind games today. So fricking stupid, these constant mind games. Just ask me a question, you will get an answer. Anyway, now the stupid asses may finally realize how the female hormones are literally killing me, and now I fear an involuntary gender operation. So, listen to me. I know me. I am the one who has had to work through all kinds of misunderstandings and rejections, a good part caused by my unique incarnation as an intersexed hermaphrodite. Yes, testosterone is very necessary, and makes me feel so much better (especially considering how deathly ill I have been with the excessive estrogen), but you cannot turn me into a male phenotype, and think that now my body will be able to handle the virus. I know my body, and I am telling you that my hormonal system is a unique synthesis of male and female, testosterone and estrogen/progesterone, and too much of any kind leads to severe autism and other problems. Or maybe it is the virus that leads to autism. All I know is that I am 95% confident that a normal, mature male load of testosterone would kill me just as a mature female load of hormones will.

The only way I will go astral planing is naturally--as mystics have done it for centuries. But I have to be in excellent physical condition, and capable of serious yoga for that to happen. Such is not the case at all. I have been in severe pain all day because my glutes have been cut on, leaving nerves vulnerable. I now have shooting pains in my right knee, and my whole left thigh is suffering from painful nerve firing. This is the result of a combination of the mutilation I have suffered, as well as my inability to exercise (and when I do, the muscles don't work right). So, I am afraid dear cabal conspirators, I will not be joining you in the astral dimensions for quite some time. Even if everything changed for the better tomorrow, I think it would take 2-3 months just to get the body into a decent equilbrium of health.

After years of abuse, and months of scant exercise, I am not in good enough health to do anything except lay down and take pills to help me with the constant pain I now suffer

PS--I just saw my eyes in the mirror when I went to brush my teeth. Sigh. No wonder I spent all night playing solitaire, unable to get into any serious research. I am drugged on something. Makes any kind of sustained effort, concentration difficult to impossible.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Update: My God, what a difference

Update: My God, what a difference high dosage testosterone has made in ths apace of minutes! I was so fucked up that I was nonfunctional. In addition to being full of rage and negative energy, physically I was literally barely able to move. I couldn't lift my legs but only shuffle. Despite my best intentions, I realized that not only was I too ill to do my laundry today, but furthermore I was unable to drive one mile to the fresh water dispenser to fill up my empty water jugs. I was just way too autistic to get in the truck and drive--had I been away from home, I would have had to wait, because even though I have learned to drive when I am autistic, I would never get behind the wheel as fucked up as I was. I went to watch TV, but I was nearly blind with autism, and could not really process the words I was hearing. So my body said, "maybe testosterone will help", and I took the recommended dosage of testosterone-- two tablets. Within minutes, I realized that now I could lift my legs--not well or to a normal stepping height, but I could lift them. So then my body said, "wow, this is feeling a lot better, take two more". So I did, and immediately so much of the autistic blindness/deafness and mind fog began to lift and I could understand the TV, instead of sitting there with eyes closed. So now. I took even two more (above the recommended dosage), and now my mood is so much better, with the stymied anger and rage dissipated.
For years, I told anyone who would listen that my mental idiosyncrasies were the result of autism, not mental illness, but it took years of forced drug abuse and failed results before people listened to me. I had taken what God and life had given me--an autistic brain and worked to develop and minimize its limitations to the point that people would not believe that I was autistic, though as usual I was proved correct.

The same thing now is happening with the testosterone. I think I hate my body so much because the excess estrogen is literally killing me, making me so sick that I am not functional. Even now, I can tell that my brain, after (6 testosterone tablets!), is starting to work a little better. I can think and string words together. Earlier, when I was reading the morning posts, I literally could not comprehend what I was reading. I think my comprehension level is much improved now. I have been saying for months now, how testosterone improves my functional ability. Without high testosterone, I am not functional or high performance. Once again, the patriarchal mind controllers won't listen to me. They want to believe their stupid ideology of perfection and role expectation. Just as I did with an autistic brain, I worked with the intersexed identity (not really male, not really female), that God and life gave me, and I did such a good job, that people really had no idea that I am a man in a woman's body. I LEARNED how to be a woman. If you look at my bookshelves, you will see all the books on the Jungian psychology of being feminine. For me, it never did, and it never will be natural or easy to be "feminine". I used my high intellect (which needs to move FAST in order to respond appropriately in social situations--too much data I need to process, because being female and being socially responsive are not natural responsed but learned and consciously chosen and willed responses) to "pass" as a female. I learned all kinds of tricks. For instance, once I read an article about the differences between males and females in ordering at the drive through window. Women will order tentatively, saying, "I'd like", "can I get", whereas men will say, "I want". "give me". Well, I read this article as a young twentysomething, and asked myself, "Why am I ordering at the takeout window, using the language of a man". At that point, I was trying very hard to shuck off any masculine behaviors, so for years, I would consciously remind myself, at the drive through window, to use feminine language. But in order to consciously act and relate and respond as woman, I have to be high energy and highly motivated, to feel good about myself, my body image, and the way that I am treated by others. Needless to say that hasn't happened for years, and I no longer have the desire, energy or ability to meet someone's expectations of me as feminine. As a matter, because it has destroyed my body and stolen years of my life, the pendulum has swung quite the other way. I do NOT have the will, energy, or ability to meet other peoples' expectations, but instead I am trying to save my life by insisting upon who I am, but one thing I know about patriarchal men--they don't listen to women, so I don't expect any changes.
Now, I feel better, so I WANT to go get some water, before things change. I know you won't GIVE ME my respect, but that's okay--I don't have anything to give you.

So much for resolve

So much for resolve--this blog is only outlet I have. I am FULL OF RAGE--WANTING TO FUCKING POUND WALLS, CURSE OUT THE STUPID GODDAMNED FUCKING ASSHOLES DOING THIS CHEMICAL TORTURE TO ME. I don't know what is causing the rage. I know the goddamned female hormones DO NOT SYNCH WITH MY PSYCHE AND PERSONALITY AND NEVER WILL. When I am healthy, I am a high energy, assertive, free flowing and even aggressive person. The goddamned hormones/drugs just dam up my energy outlet, which then have no option to express themselves but in rage. I can only love as a MAN with male hormones. As a female with predominating female hormones, I am stymied, and so fucking miserable that I alternate between rage and suicidal ideation. Patriarchal goddamn fuckers who believe in a perfect race, person or ideal have no respect for who i am or what i have to offer. one thing i will never offer you motherfucking pigs is cooperation or support,. Now excuse me, i have to go spit out the excess fucking snout in my mouth caused by your fucking goddamned chemical/hormononal poison. ASSHOLES.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

This might be my last entry in a while

This might be my last entry in a while--I am so totally fucked up on whatever psychotropics or hormones that I am on that I am incapable of thinking straight. I am not capable of thinking or deep feeling, much less putting connections together. As a matter of fact, I disown all the posts of the last few days for I am too goddamned fucked up to think properly. I am severely autistic most times, spent most day sleeping, but am too sick to even enjoy tv. SO FUCKING MISERABLE IN THIS GODDAMNED BODY. JUST FANTASIZE ABOUT SHREDDING MY ARMS. ALL I WANT TO DO IS DIE, NOW, THIS FUCKING MINUTE. I have decided that with all the fucking evil bastards that want a piece of me, the best thing I can do to save my life and my sanity, and as this blog started out, my LESBIAN sexuality and spirituality, and sanity, is just to make myself a nondesirable commodity. By the looks of alll the white guys looking at me, either approvingly or disapproving I say FUCK YOU AND FUCK YOUR GODDAMN MOTHER--who as far as I can tell is ISHTAR. Nothing I want to do with you or your type. Actions speak louder than words. Signing off.

Immediate correction:

Immediate correction: I am not feeling better. Instead, what is happening is the same thing as yesterday. I feel worse as the day goes on. The virus is completely kicking my ass, making it nearly impossible to function in reality. It is as if I have lost my spark plug, my joy, my life. In a way, I have. I think the motherfuckers have rewired me so that the female hormones are paramount in my body, but that is not the way I was designed, nor to what I respond. It just makes me sluggish, miserable, low energy, and hating life to the point of autistic withdrawal and isolation. Fucking long for the days when I felt human.

On top of feeling like goddamned shit all the time, I have problems with the implants in my left hand. It is discolored and painful--the implants are messing with my nerves and circulation in my entire left arm. I don't know how much longer I can survive with all this shit. One thing for sure, I can't imagine living my life feeling like a miserable lump of lifeless fat flesh for the rest of my life. I need energy, zest, joy, drive. Doesn't matter. My life is in the hands of God, and I know that the aliens who mutilate my body and completely change my hormonal system to suit their needs, are not emissaries of God.

We Terrans

We Terrans, our planet, our peoples, our countries, are being pushed around by the flying elbows of the bullying "giants in the sandbox" who are duking it out on right now on our planet (Strazynski's quote from "Babylon 5" which is the best sci fi series which explained what is really going on in our world). We (and I speak of my fellow Terran citizens), are truly the children of the universe, the majority of us completely blinded by lies regarding every facet of reality, and unaware of the interdimensional possibilites and truths that extraterrestials really are the power brokers on this planet. And like bullies and powermongers everywhere, they don't play very nice in the sandbox, which to us is home.

It would help if we knew what was really going on, but unfortunately, there is no standardized canon of historical fact or truth, such as we commonly recognize on our own planet. Yes, it is true that history is distorted by the victors on the historical scene, but a scrupulously diligent researcher can work with the basic factual framework, and probe beneath the lies to find hidden dimensions and missing elements of the real truth. Such a factual framework of the real and basic history of our galaxy is what is missing. Yes, there have been historical ET revelations, but these have been distorted by the occult secrecy of the revelation, as the "truth" revealed was never meant to be the universal revelation, but rather a partisan truth to form and press human underlings into the service of a partisan ET faction. Yes, there has been a recent flowering of channelings, but again, these are so subject to disinformation and distortion as to be more misleading than helpful, no matter how numinous the transmissions appear to the channeler. In short, our ignorance and racial (as in "human race") immaturity leaves wide open to victimization by luciferian and other negative elements.

I bring this up because I think my characterization of the last post may have been a little more simplistic than what is really happening. It isn't so much that the Dragon has been superceded by the Beast (roughly corresponding to Faction 1 and Faction 2 of the politico-economic scene). It is that the Beast HAS risen in ascendancy and I think both "giants" are duking it out on this planet with elbows flying in our puny human faces. It doesn't change my estimation that the age of the Beast is to be characterized by an alloted amount of time, which I think has already begun. The question is, when? For me, it began a long time ago, but I have been on the forefront of alien claim and control for years now, and have suffered severe abuse at the hands of both parties.

Anyway, if you just look around, you can see the battle being played out, especially in the media, which is not so much a conveyor of truth about reality, as a partisan shaper of reality. Just watch how Obama's media coverage changes. Yesterday, Yahoo was running a front page story on how pristine and healthy the Gulf of Mexico is (a complete lie, but one pushed by the faction of BP, which despite it being a petrol company, I think is Faction 2). Today, the photo accompanying the Gulf story is one of an oil covered bird. How can the average human being know the truth, when we are being yanked around by lies so much? I know how to read and compare sites and contrasting POVs, so that I can get to the truth, but most people don't have the time.

Anyway, I bring this up, because I am convinced that I will never fully cooperate with any agenda, especially an alien agenda, until I am inwardly certain that I know the truth of the matter, and guess what, I am getting closer....I have been very sick this past week, which really put a dent in my ambitions, but when it time for me to know, it will be revealed. In the meantime, I want to reaffirm what I have said all along, that I believe in a win-win situation for all parties, of humans and ET's concerned. I know that the fighting that is going on with the ET factions is ANCIENT, so ancient that we humans really find it difficult to fathom. I don't think the problems began with the struggle betweeen Atlantis and Lemuria. I think the Atlantean/Lemurian conflict originated with the original ET races, which then brought their conflict to planet Earth which they seeded with their particular genes. Because I am a "half-breed" mongrel child of different, and even competing DNA's, I hope for, and truly believe that there can be reconciliation with many of the factions involved, that "we can all get along" if humans can just reclaim, or maybe the real world should be, "claim" our sovereignty. But I cannot propose or foresee such a reconciliation until I know the truth of the competing factions and their reasons for holding ancient enmity and grudges.

So that is where I am at, and what my mind will be mulling over the next days. Of course, the absolute bedrock essential is homeland security, and apparently Hillary Clinton has made a deal with one of the Factions to give us that (yes indeed, we are in the time of "the Beast"). For me, it means persevering as best I can in a simple life, research and prayer for insight. Today, I feel better already--that tells me something, too, but I don't want to go out throwing flamebombs until I can make an informed opinion...

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

My laughter didn't last long,

My laughter didn't last long, as my purse was snatched from me once again, which is a metaphorical way of saying that I have been severely drugged all day. I knew this morning that the energy drain was going to be a problem, but it has only gotten worse to the point of not being able to function well, to read, concentrate or write. Certainly the desire and will is there, for there is an incredible amount of information flying around, and a lot of changes taking place in current events, but all I want to do is lie down and fantasize about it. I may be on risperdol--that is another drug that just leaves me in a fantasy world, unable to function in the real world, but it may just be an amped up virus. I am suffering from incredible hot flashes and sweats; my body regulatory systems aren't working well, and I now know that to be by design so that the the virus can flourish.

The planet's most highly valued SLAVE (that would be me) is once more used as a high stakes bargaining chip, but even though I begin to despair of ever being free again, I am actually more worried about what is going on in the outer world. Evil is ascendant once more, and I don't know if my writing about it does any good. Instead of the inaguaration of the Fourth Reich being celebrated on April 21, the date has been pushed up to April 20th. Tomorrow.

I have been so sick that I have not been writing, but things have taken a serious negative turn, and our nation is under direct attack, and under threat of imminently dire catastrophe. Last week, Thursday I think, I wrote about a sea serpent waiting to swallow a sacrifice. At the time, I interpreted the sacrifice to be the shuttle "Endeavor". I now believe that the most immediate target was actually Hillary Clinton who was in Germany at the time, receiving Judas kisses, continental style, from the European politicos. Most of them, but not all, I think, are firmly and happily subservient to the evil agenda, and were cued in to the impending assassination. (There is so much going on--and I have been too sick to write, so I may be errant in documenting a lot of what I am proposing--just too much stuff to plow through). I think she spent a sleepless night, trying to make sure that she survived another day. For that sea serpent is an alien craft. Starting last week, the infamous Area 51 began manifesting a strange electromagnetic anomaly, and an alien craft shot out Area 51, finally resting in the Atlantic ocean, near Antarctica (the sea serpent). While I think Hillary had to do some calling and begging (she knows which humans are associates of the Area 51 aliens) in order to survive in the next 24 hours, she and the Patriot Leadership Team were felled from de facto power by the dark cabal coup.

For the electromagnetic anomalies at Area 51 (which is the origin of multiple tunnels, leading to underground alien and cabal hidey holes) were setting off a swarm of earthquakes in the California/Nevada area. In short, the cabal is blackmailing America. Not only can the electromagnetic anomaly cause catastrophic earthquakes, they can also set off volcanic explosions all up and down the west coast. Further, they are capable of literally liquidifying the solid ground, making the entire area even more susceptible to damage from natural disaster. The cabal has already demonstrated their expertise with this weapon by the liquefaction of Japanese soil. Finally, the cabal has threatened the Patriot Leadership Team of the USA with nuclear plant accidents that would leave the entire western coastal lands uninhabitable. You see, not only does the cabal have the computer schematics/code to crash a nuclear power plant at will (and more and more, I realize Chernobyl was no accident), but they also have people in place to make sure that the catastrophe is compounded by human error and design. I keep thinking of the two Japanese workers found dead. I wonder if they were cabal patsies, whose job was to make sure that the necessary equipment to handle a full scale emergency, was lost or sabotaged, for missing equipment, ostensibly swept out by the tsunami, was a complicating factor in the Fukushima crises as well.

On top of all this, the cabal can crash the US economy at will, not the Rothschilds, but the new power player on the block, the Knights Templar/EU/German cabal, backed by their alien associates. All last week, I was wondering who was the German "heavy" behind this evil cabal. I suspect it is a man who I have never seen, the so-called "King of the World", the Knights Templar, Faction 2 leader, who lives underground or underwater, accessible by tunnels from Area 51. However I suspect that Helmut Kohl (one evil Borg, but I don't know how is health is) and Henry Kissinger (another evil Borg) are his first lieutenants.

Upon execution of the coup, I think they hoped to prop Obama back up as the big-grin puppet. However, Obama not only does not have the authority or skills to carry off such an ambitious acting job, he has lost all credibility among high level civil servants and government officials, most especially among his own Party, and no amount of blackmail can change that. It doesn't help that he is actively complicit in murder, and attempted murder, which I have documented in previous posts. Most recently however was the lethal blackmail executions that the cabal created with weather wars and tornados. They are responsible for the 50 dead people, tremendous destruction, and heartache and loss suffered by the survivors from the 241 tornadoes which devastated the southeast a few days ago. The most telling indicator that Obama was in on the direct planning was the fact that NC got hit the worst. The DNC has scheduled the Democrat convention in NC, and it has been made clear to Obama that he will not get the 2012 nomination, so it was his payback. He then hustled over to Chicago to set up his campaign headquarters there, the first time in American history that a sitting president did not headquarter from D.C., but there isn't a page or lobbyist in the Capitol who doesn't know about what a great scam artist Obama is. It seems a stretch to think that he could be so vindictive, but I have been watching this man for years, and I have noticed the pattern. Starting with his Grandma, who died a few days before his election--I think she was helped along for a variety of reasons, but the timing was important to him. IMO, his grandmother, though she was an evil woman and satanic CIA stooge, is the one human being most responsible for his political ambitions, vocation, and patronage. She did it because she wanted to see him succeed mightily, but Obama hated her with a passion, and wanted to deny her the vicarious satisfaction of seeing his success. Then there were the Venezuelan polo ponies which were poisoned after he felt Chavez dissed him. Instead of being a man, and holding his boundaries, he blamed Chavez for having a "man crush" on him, and one-upping him (I think unintentionally) in political theater. Then there is the mysterious death of the woman who trained the family dog. Obama HATES that dog--there is no doubt in my mind that an incredibly immature and evil juvenile vindicativeness drives the man to abuse power to the extent of murder for petty hatreds. No, he has no respect anywhere, except from the evil cabal, who find him a most tractable and willing puppet with no moral conscience or qualms whatsoever (you need one of my daughters to be sacrificed to satan--sure I can do that...)

So, for the past week, we have seen the resurgence of Obama, but apparently the cabal has realized he is not capable of filling the role, so now Hillary Clinton appears to be the front runner for cabal puppet, as evidenced in her appearing on PBS tomorrow with Henry Kissinger. I hope that the reader understands (I know that the Patriot Leadership Team does) that whoever is called to play figurehead puppet, will never be treated with anything other than nominal public respect. My guess is that the cabal will play Clinton off against Obama, and vice versa, so that they always have the upper hand. So why would Hillary Clinton and the Patriot Leadership Team concede to this. If you don't understand why, go back and read the above paragraphs. Also, think about the seemingly little, but mysterious mishaps of the last week. Air traffic controllers are falling asleep on the job. The plane carrying Michelle Obama and Jill Biden had a close call. That one really pissed me off. Those women are not overtly political; they are on a mission to boost morale among our strung out, overextended, hung to dry, military families, and they don't deserve that shit at all. But that is what happens when evil is ascendant---good people suffer.

So, to save the country from any more catastrophic damage, whether by natural disaster or economic, Clinton and the Patriot Leaderhip Team has decided to cooperate with the cabal. It is with a very heavy heart that I concede that this choice appears to be the best move. The bottom line is that I would rather have a puppet president who loves this country and its people, than a vindictive hater who has actively tried, and to a limited extent, succeeded in deliberately damaging this country.

You know, I kept hoping to feel better in order to do a bang up job on the next paragraph, but I don't think I am going to be feeling physically well anytime soon, so I am just going to outline some thoughts that are roiling about my mind in a very undeveloped way. It has to do with the prophecy found in Revelations 13 (around there--too tired to look it up). The prophet speaks of two separate evil entities, first the Dragon, and then the Beast. Well, I consider the dragon to be the reptilian and Annunaki faction which has lorded over so much of this planet for millennia. However, the Dragon is in the death throes, but the Beast ("a serpent that came from the sea") has taken its place. The Beast is the one with the multiple horn that evangelicals and Bible prophets have identified as the European Union for years now. For years, I listened, but was skeptical. No more. After seeing (with my intuitive eye) the ill will displayed towards Clinton during her visit to Berlin, and everything I have just written in the above paragraphs, there is no doubt in my mind that is where the Beast will attempt to exert financial and political control. Like I said, this is the beginning of the Fourth Reich, and it is interesting to learn that Merkel (who, by the way, I think is the result of genetic engineering by some Merovingian, and perhaps royal, family, but NOT Hitler's child as the conspiracy sites suggest), says that she is part Polish. Then, there was the same ill will displayed by the Ukrainian minister to Hillary. Now, I am reading on the web articles about how brutal the Russian soldiers were to German women during WWII. There is no doubt that this true, but why demonize Russia now? I think Europe is really setting up to be a much bigger hot spot than it has been in decades. Already I can see the hand of the cabal at work in the recent increase of western military role in Libya (the cabal wants the stargate too), and the resurgent uprisings in the Middle East.

Yet despite all this, I still have to concur with the decision taken by Hillary C/PLT. I am just glad that I am not a politician, because it would be very hard for me to do so. It is not as if my lot is easy, though. I honestly do not know how much longer my body can sustain this assault on its health. I feel like the prophet Jeremiah, who I always thought was the most luckless, unappreciated, and unthanked prophet in the Bible. He had no family, no friends, no associates or peers. He lived at a time when Jerusalem was doomed, and for proclaiming the Lord's will (which turned out to be true), he was beaten, imprisoned, thrown in a cistern, ect. Even worse than the agony of being so hated, had to be the fruition when he was proved right, and the Holy Temple destroyed, and the populace of Jerusalem sent into exile. He scrounged around the remnants for a few years, but then died in exile himself. However, there was one point where he recommended to the king to pay vassalage homage to the marauding adversary. That is a sign of a true prophet--someone who always is looking to find a way to save his land and his people for another day. That is where I am, relying on the prophecy that the Beast will not stand.

My eyes have always glazed over when I read in Daniel or Revelations how these calendar calculations work out. I know a lot of people insist on their system or personal revelation, but I have never been able to feel confident in that. However, there is a timeline given in Revelations for the ascendancy of the Beast--42 months. What that means exactly, I am not sure, but I am sure that if it comes to me, I will broadcast the knowledge loudly. I do know that the Beast refers to the Borg Machine (like I said, I meant to do a whole spiel on this, but I am too ill to do any research and exegesis), because this is where the prophet talks about the implant in the right (actually left) hand the the forehead. These implants are to connect the unsuspecting humans to the Machine. Anyway, more on all this later...

Clearly, I am still drugged up,

Clearly, I am still drugged up, though I cannot tell for sure how much of it is the residual result of psychotropics in my system. Certainly the brain rushes last night, familiar to me from lithium abuse, were not a good sign. Maybe it will just take a while to clear all the SHIT and POISON from my brain. It is evident to me that my brain is not working well right. However, part of the problem could be the excessive female hormones that I am being given right now. I know that I am being force fed female hormones because of the mucous lining my mouth. On top of that, I have lost my normal high energy. Also, as strange as might appear to most people, testosterone helps me THINK. It gives me drive and focus. My feminine side is very right brain. It lives in a world of images and imagined scenarios. It is the source of my creativity. But the testosterone gives me the ability to think logically and make critical connections, to get out of the imagination, and into the world of verbal discernment, judgment and expression. The latter is what is missing now. The stupid, goddamned patriarchal fucks who want to turn me into an icon of femininity so that they can have a false idol to project their idolatrous psychological worship onto, have no understanding of me or my psyche. I am not a female. If there had been no testosterone boost when I was 12 and 13, I would probably be a gentle, lost soul, barely able to interact with reality, living at home with my mother, or institutionalized. At best, I would have been a highly neurotic, creative spirit like Emily Dickinson, whose short, brief cryptic poems indicate to me true genius, but a lack of focus and drive to follow through on expression. As a matter of fact, in the early days of my drugged up suffering, when it seemed that only the Jesuit/Opus Dei/Nazi Bad Guys were reading my journal, I still persevered with the help of a favorite Dickinson line regarding her poems: "This is my letter to the world that never wrote to me."

I recognize that my brain is going through a healing, recharging period. I have been here before, after all. I just hope that the damage to my memory and ability to pull my right side of my brain through the left side of expressive logic and discrimination is not permanently impaired. I plan to take some testosterone later today, after routine house chores, to see if that helps me think. Right now, I am afraid that I will have to go back and reread most of what I read this week in an attempt to jog the memory and jumpstart the brain.

I will have to do this with the mental fog caused by the virus, and constant back pain from where I have been mutilated. Interestingly enough, I woke up with sore legs and hammies. I didn't do any physical exercise yesterday at all. All I did was sweep and mop my entire house, and yet my muscles are sore. Partly, that may be because the psychotropic drugs turn my muscles into unresponsive and atrophying dead zones, but it is also indicative of what I have noticed the few times that I have tried to work out, post-mutilation. What I have noticed is that my muscles no longer work together properly in exercise, which is not surprising, because for 50 years they worked a certain way, and now they are in a configuration that denies them their natural propensity.

Then there is the problem with my gut. I don't know how much of my problem is the nanotechnology in my guts destroying my natural bacterial flora (remember the virus probably gets into my system under cover of bacteria) has been dismembered by the nanotech bacteria/virus. I have read that both Ariel Sharon and Einstein, both of whom were implanted with the virus, had trouble with their intestines after implantation (Sharon had to have a long length of gut removed because it was totally necrotic--makes me wonder how much of my intestinal tissue is completely dead). But I never even had a healthy gut! I am an autistic, and like most autistics, I have had problems with my gut for most of my life. Now, it just feels dead and unresponsive, just like my muscles did, after years of the virus and psychotropic drugs destroying them. That may be the source of a lot of my weight gain and hunger cravings as well.

Finally, I woke up feeling once more that I was under the influence of depakote--I know because of how shitty, miserable and low energy I feel upon awakening. That is not normal for me at all. But I guess the question I have to ask myself after years of drugging and abuse, "what is normal for me?"

Anyway, I am killing time. I have lost my ability to focus and concentrate, and I am going to take some testosterone later to see if that helps, but right now I am waiting on a maintenance man to do some work around my house. I don't want to take the testosterone until I am ready to sit down and plow through some things. I have say, that despite everything, I have a quiet optimism that everything is going to work out okay. I just read where a reporter interviewing Obama actually DID HIS JOB. Yeppers, Obama may think that he is going to be the cool cat figurehead of the Fourth Reich, but this time around (as opposed to the Democrat primary process and general election), it looks as if some members of the media have lost their brainwashed lockstep.

I have to play my part. I just wish I felt better.

So much for getting my purse back

So much for getting my purse back. I am drugged on something--my brain is rushing so bad I cannot slleep. Way too much pressure in my head. Back hurts. vicodin again--I am having to take that stuff ecvery night. Need stronger pain med.s

Monday, April 18, 2011

Dreamed last night that I was given my purse back

Dreamed last night that I was given my purse back, by a group of men sitting at a restaurant table. To understand this dream, you have to know that my purse was stolen the day I woke up with the first of outward mutilations to my body. A couple of months earlier, the Reptilians/Orions had castrated my penis from its inner cavity, but while that was a huge loss, and no doubt destroyed forever my unique "orgone energy" that they so much wanted to control and own, it did not leave me depressed over my body image, because I never saw it, until it was removed. I can't say that it was unimportant, as I find myself crying thinking about it, but I am the kind of person, or should I say, man, who just moves on from loss and tragedy. If you can't change it, don't dwell on it. But on the previous night that my purse was stolen (the only reason I carry a purse is that I have to keep all my medications, vitamins, and assorted items on me, or else they will be tampered with), was the first of several mutilations, which I just cannot forget about or not dwell on, because they so drastically altered my body image and structure, and every single day, dozens of times a day, I am reminded of how much I hate the body that I now inhabit. Actually, now that I think about it, it was the second of a series of mutilations. First, they had removed an entire set of ribs from my body, shrinking my volume, and making me fatter, shorter, and rounder. This was depressing enough, but on this particular instance, they had completely removed all my pec muscles, which was the only thing that gave me a feminine bosom and cleavage, and which, since my periods ceased (thanks to the theft of my eggs), was the signature pride of my feminine being. For I fancied my breasts strong, wide, and robust like the breast of a robin bird, and now, without pec muscles or riding hide on a rib, they are just flat and deflated. The fucking pigs mutilated my back and shoulders, cutting out entire feet of muscle and ligament, and they took all the excess fat to make into some kind of droopy fat blobs that FUCKING DRIVE ME CRAZY. I can't stand to look at them. I cant still to feel them. I can't stand to wear a bra or not to wear a bra. There is nothing strong, proud or maternal about those breasts, and the best future I can envision for myself now is a double masectomy, especially since they have altered my whole body, removing my shoulders and upper back from their natural position of prominence, and thrust the chest forward. No one can imagine what it feels like to have your entire back structure altered, your pelvis inverted, and your back curved, and ribs and lats, and muscles cut out, so that I who was once a strong, confident, athletic woman, is reduced to a weak hobbling caricature of fat who cannot bear to look in the mirror or even see my own shadow, as I constantly try to feel comfortable in a mutilated body in which everything I loved about my physical appearance and feel has been destroyed.

The beginning of the depression over body image began with the disappearance of MY breasts, the only breasts I have ever had (what I carry in their place now are Pamela Anderson/Dr. Mengele implants, and I HATE them with a passion), that to be honest, I was quite proud of, as I felt they showed a strong maternal capacity, which is the only characteristic of femininity which I feel fits me, especially since truthfully, I am more paternal than maternal in my approach.

So having my purse, wallet, and identification stolen was a really big deal, not to mention that it cost me over $100.00 bucks. Yeah, I could get another picture and another driver license, but to be honest, the fucking pricks who mutilated me that day, stole my social (not my spiritual) identity, and psychological wholeness and health from me that day. I don't know if I will ever get it back. For now, I am no longer proud of, or comfortable with a female body--it doesn't belong to me, and all it means, is what being female in a patriarchal society has always meant for females--they do not control their own bodies. Certainly I don't control mine, but but it doesn't even feel like it belongs t me.

So, getting back my purse was a big deal, I guess, though my identity hasn't come back. I guess I was given it back, because the Knights Templar and their associates, who were responsible for the series of mutilations that left me a pathetic fat blob, finally decided that I meant what I said, WHICH IS WHAT I HAVE BEEN SAYING ALL ALONG FOR MONTHS, AS EACH NIGHT I WOKE UP TO ANOTHER MUTILATING ATROCITY. Apparently, I helped them while I slept--we had a mutual enemy, the Reptilians, but I never shared their values. I am nearly 50 years old, and know who I am and what my values were, but my declarations of sovereignty and self-determination were completely overriden, because the Knights Templar really have no respect for the feminine, except as they can control it. Like patriarchal men everywhere, they fear the feminine, and will not allow it freedom, because in their own minds, they cage the anima, and thus ""woman" is reduced to "girl", "lady", "whore" or "madonna", which they project onto. All of these archetypes are valid, but when anyone is reduced and forced to a permanent status of archetype, it denies their full humanity. Such has been the lot of woman in patriarchal society, and such has been my lot for years now.

Still, today, the tormentors stopped the psychotropic drugs. I see where I gained weight (lithium), but I no longer care. I learned to stop crying over what happens to my body. I just hope to fit into the clothes I have because I cannot bear the thought of ever shopping for clothes again. More importantly, I had enough energy to clean my house--something that hasn't happened in a long time. I have learned that when I have energy, to do chores, because tomorrow, I could wake up so drugged up, I can barely get out of bed. Certainly, my energy level is nowhere near normal, and I had to pop a couple of testosterone to get through the day, but my head felt clear for the first time in a long while. I noticed that I was actually laughing. I used to laugh all the time. When I am healthy, I just find irony and compassionate humor in much of life, but when I am so sick that I can barely function, laughter goes out the window. I wish I could say that I felt healthy, but honestly I don't. I still have the virus, I am suffering a lot of back pain from where I was cut on, and from a spine that is arched and curved in an unnatural way for me, that goes against 50 years of design, development and formation. When I am drugged on psychotropics, I am so out of touch with reality, I don't even feel the body), and I am suffering from a severe energy drain. All I can say is that I feel a lot better.

Unfortunately, my brain hasn't recovered either. It has been an intense week in current affairs, with the pendulum swinging back to the side of the Bad Guys. There is so much going on, that I cannot fit it all together. I have been making progress, but today as I tried to work it all out, I realized that once again, my memory has been severely compromised (lithium again--why I gained weight), and I couldn't even remember facts that I was reading a few days ago. Still, I am making progress, but I am not in a position to present my case yet.

Still, I wanted to write something, because I feel that I have to counteract the BAD GUYS. I am 95% certain that I know who they are, but the accusations are so grave that I am going to sit on it for a little while, until I am 100% sure of myself. However, the BAD GUYS made a high profile propaganda piece that I am afraid will have unfair reprecussions unless exposed. This propaganda piece, of course, is the TV show "The Event" which I am sure a lot of people are watching, for this is thinly veiled fact. However, just as disinformation abounds on the web, disinformation is found in media presentations as well. I knew, I KNEW, that there was going to be some propaganda distortion going on with this show, because last week, they skipped a show, and I had read somewhere that the shows (22 of them) had been delivered. So my guess is that after I talked about "The Event" to Dale, TPTB at NBC/Comcast (both companies deeply plugged into the Machine--I know; I have researched it to my satisfaction), decided to go back and edit it some more, reshoot the episode to fit their agenda, which is indeed dark, and even evil. This agenda is what has been going on behind the scenes for the past week or so, but I don't want to go there today. I do want to debunk this editorial slant of the most recent airing of "The Event." There were two subtle, but significant changes in tonight's presentation from the previous 17 or 18 shows. First of all, they tried to give the wooden, lifeless "President" a sense of assertive authority. Of course, this was important because Obama is the centerpiece of the evil agenda--he is just a puppet of course, and thus, by defacto circumstance he has no authority. Because he has been an ass-kissing, brown-nosing puppet to whatever puppet master promised him fame and adulation, all his life, he not only has no authority as "President", he has never developed a sense of authority as a man, a realization thatanyone who read his book with a critical eye afforded by an undergraduate education should deduce. Since our undergraduates are increasingly brainwashed, it seems that a critical reading of his biography never happened, not only with the sophomoric college students, but with trained journalists. Such is the state of our society. My education taught me to read EVERYHING critically, or maybe a less perjorative term, is "with discernment".

Anyway, all those novels college students are supposed to read, teach you to look out for character development and inconsistencies. When does the character change and why? I KNEW that the week layover meant that the show was being tweaked. All of a sudden, the "President" develops a strength and force of character absent from before....hmmm...does that have anything to do with the latest resurgence in Obama's media popularity and revitalized grin? Yes, he has become the go-to guy by the new cabal looking to inaugaratevthe Fourth Reich, right here in the US (oops, did I let that slip....don't want to go there today, but stay tuned. I will write about it before April 21st when Obama will be visiting Area 51, after making an appearance in Reno. Just as the occultists hoped to advance the NASA shuttle "Endeavor" sacrifice by precisely one hour, from the last big sacrifice in Japan, the same occultists hope to install the new "Fourth Reich" precisely one day after the birthday of the man who founded the Third Reich. I don't want to go into this, but it is serious business, and all Christians and people of good will need to pray mightily.

The other big change was in the character of Sophia, the leader of the extraterrestials, which I think refers to the Pleiadians. For the first 17 or so issues, she was a complex, Shakespearian character, and she played her emotionally challenging and nuanced role well. In this episode, she is reduced to a one-dimensional iconic figure of hard core evil, as she plans to take out the "good" President, and replace him with the "bad" President, lying and scheming on her way to conquering the planet and wiping out humanity. Understand--this is propaganda, which twists the truth around 180 degrees! I am pretty good at discernment, and after years of pursuing the mystery, lies and disinformation around the indisputable presence and interference of aliens, I can tell you that the Pleidians are the most benevolent towards humanity that I have encountered. Now, I am pretty sure there is a negative faction of Pleidians whose interference has caused a lot of trouble, and I am making progress on identifying it, and perhaps they DO want to conquer the planet, but I would caution any watchers of the show not to jump to the obvious conclusions to which the show seems to point. The worst aliens have not been the Pleiadians--they have been the reptilians/Orions and Sirians from Sirius B. I have had a couple of encounters with Pleidians and am comfortable in saying I thought that they were "good souls", whereas the vibe of the reptilians/greys and Sirians has been, generally speaking, very negative. Furthermore, I KNOW that the leaders whos judgment I trust the most--Hillary Clinto, Robert Gates, and Joe Biden, have had positive contact with the Pleiadians, and unlike Obama, who is drawn to the dark and evil, like a fly to sugar, they are mature and resourceful leaders of their people. If they trust them, and I think that largely, at this point, that they do, it confirms my own leaning towards a positive appraisal. Still, I must say that I am deeply suspicious and paranoid of everybody. There IS a negative faction of Pleidians out there--are they the ones backing Obama's latest play for unearned and undeserved glory? I honestly don't know enough to say, and I am tired and in too much pain, to go on with any more of this complicated issue. Maybe it would be better to talk it out than write it out...

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Level of physical pain i am living with not bearable

Level of physical pain i am living with not bearable--head so sensitive cant touch it. wants to shake to get ridd of brain tumor fluid pressure but cant--neck muscles too smpasmsed out. all muscles spasmed out. literally cant walk. lot of nerve pain. LONG FOR DEATH. obviously the bad guys, the Knights templar, and their "homies" have won. i NEVER WILL SUPPORT SLAVERS WHO TORTURE AND MUTILATE WITHOUT REGARD FOR A PERSON'S SOVEREIGNTY, who do and don't do a whole list of things i am too sick to enumerate. You fucked up my God-given body of which I was proud and at home in so you could have so iconic "lady" to project onto. well your idea of "lady" is what we Christians call the "Whore of Babylon." Guess what? I don't fit the bill and NEVER WILL, SO YOU MIGHT AS WELL KILL ME NOW. I am a WOMAN--yes I know, in your patriarchal view, that is not quite fully human, but in my world view it is, and as a FULL HUMAN BEING, I tell you Knights Templar and all your homies, of the "Light" and "Black", I despise your vision of reality, your methods, and your agenda, and I am here to tell you that you will FAIL--AND FAIL SOONER THAN YOU THINK.

Fighting the good fight by spiritual proxy

Fighting the good fight by spiritual proxy--that is all I can do, as my body and mind is laid waste by the virus and implants. People have no idea of the pain and suffering I have endured--there is only word for it--torture, but there is no time to focus on myself, because if the battle that is raging right now in the Nevada desert is lost, then not only will I be tortured for the rest of my life, so will countless others, from alien beings such as the NASA moon maiden (the Lemurian psychic slave, whose body was physiologicall dead, but whose brain waves were kept alive to be drained by reptiles) to me to Marie Noe.

Marie Noe is an interesting case study. While channel surfing, I came across her story as told in a TV documentary. She had 8 children die in infancy under her care while she was a nondescript housewife in Kensington PA. Because it happened years ago, before the development of sophisticated forensics, the deaths raised suspicions, but nothing was ever proven until she confessed in 1999. I decided to watch the documentary, wondering how a woman could be so evil, as to kill eight of her children in succession. As I watched the documentary, it became crystal clear to me that this woman had been the victim of multiple abductions. Not only did she have the telltale drooping left eye of people who are connected to the Borg Machine, she also had the telltale "conehead" skull of people whose cranium have been surgically altered by aliens. Finally, she had deeply reptilian eyes, which usually is a result of DNA alterations as well. This happens when the Machine tries to activate reptilian DNA through electromagnetic frequencies, leading to a pronounced hooded reptilian eyelid. I can recognize this, because I suffer from it myself. When the virus is heavy on me, the upper eyelids swell to the point that I develop the hated, reptilian eyelid look. I HATE THE LOOK WITH A PASSION. Not only is it not the way God made me, and distinctly unattractive, but also the constant swelling and recession is doing what the excess fluid retention and ebbing does all over my body--creating excess folds of skin to accommodate the swelling, leaving premature wrinkling in the recession. There is absolutely nothing I can do about these abductions, alterations, and the torture and even mutilation committed against my bodily person by these aliens, and no doubt Marie Noe could do nothing either.

I looked to see if I could find if her maiden name was an occult one, but I couldn't find any information. However, I did find that she and her husband had lived in Kensington PA, which was a few miles from Kecksburg, PA, in Westmoreland county. Kecksburg is famous for being the site of the "Bell" ufo sighting. Now, what one needs to know about the Bell style UFO, is that it is directly linked to Nazis, starting in WWII. There is no doubt that Nazis escaped the Third Reich to hidden bases in South America, under Antartica and even other dimensions. The Bell is their signature UFO, and this tells me that the Nazis not only were deeply involved with Westmoreland county PA, but also, that they have fallen victim and prey to the MACHINE, and they passed that on to hapless Marie Noe.

My guess is that she was driven crazy by the abductions, and because they all happened while she slept, she developed a deep paranoid fear while her children slept, so she killed--not because of an evil hatred of her children, but because she loved them, and wanted to rescue them. She didn't want the same dreaded torture happening to them in their sleep, what she had to endure in her slumber, and so to save her children from this fate she, in an unbalanced paranoid state, killed them while they slept. There was a Native woman in my hometown who did the same thing to her child, and when I saw her picture, I knew that she too was a multiple abductee, and that she had killed her child in his sleep because she wanted to save the toddler from the nightmare that was her fate whenever she slept. This makes me wonder what kind of dreams my mom is having, that she would do to me what she has done.

This is a tragedy of the highest order, and I bring it up, because if the good guys lose, it is going to happen over and over and over again, until the innocence of children, and peaceful slumber in adults is going to become the exception rather than the rule. So, this is why I fight the virus and the implants. The people who are doing this to me (and currently I think it is the Knights Templar)are seriously deluded and misguided at best, and evil at worst. I am not healthy enough to go into it right now, but they worship a false God, not God by a different name, but a truly false god, Lucifer, of evil, which if it prevails in asserting dominion over the world will create millions of Marie and baby Noes (and Titas--though I don't think most people can resist the abductions as I have, without severe psychological or spiritual impairment). So I have to fight, even if all I do is pop vicodin and drink heavy shots of vodka to try to get through the pain, and spend my days barely able to move, or concentrate. I am a physical person. I wish I could pick up a gun and fight, but that is not my fight this time. All I can do is fight by suffering wholly and holy, without becoming full of anger and rage to the people who have destroyed my body, my health and my life. Otherwise there will be lots of Marie Noes in our future.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Barely able to function

Barely able to function--so much fucking fluid is on my brain that I stumble around blind, autistic and going out of my mind as if I had brain turmor. No one can imagine the agony i am. i curse rage and pray, but still motherfuckers keep it up? Who? Pretty sure the latest reptiles on the planet are knights templars. they may even have my computer shanghied. too sick to figure it out now. All i can say is say what i have said to every sing one of my abusers in the past. all i pray to God for is the strength to resist you and your evil vampire ways with every breath I take. Nothing spiritual about you or your fraternal brothers, whoever you are, and i think its the Knights Templar tho i think some Jesuits are involved. You are a bunch of mind raping and spirit stealing vampires, too goddamned lazy to live out your own life and spirituality. God help this planet if you gain power and ascendancy. God help me as once more I endure the most torturous agony, determined to hold on to what I know is the absolute essential for any authentic spirituality--FREE WILL. Not much free about me right now. only in th soul--have to hold on.