Dreamed last night

Dreamed last night that the newspaper editor who was my employer was unhhappy with me, because I had been hired to do investigative work and hadn't "done a thing". That dream is a an accurate assessment of the last couple of weeks of my life. I haven't made any substantial progress on any of my projects, and I even quit watching the online class on the Kabbalah that I was taking. Why? BECAUSE THE STUPID FUCKING PIGS WHO HAVE MADE MY LIFE HELL HAVE CHANGED MY HORMONAL CONFIGURATION AND STOLEN AND DRAINED AWAY ALL MY ENERGY, LIFE, VITALITY, AMBITION AND DRIVE. It fucking sucks beyond belief or ability to bear. I don't know, because I am not a woman, how a woman lives with herself hormonally but I can assure you that all the fucking female hormones that I am being force fed are hateful and counterproductive in the extreme. When I say counterproductive, I mean that I am not capable of producing SHIT. I am not able to think, not able to focus or concentrate, not able to make connections or penetrate the truth from a dogpile of lies and disinformation. Hell, I am not even able to be receptive as the first step in the process. That is just what all the excess female hormones are doing to my mind. As regards my emotional life, they are blocking all my energy, which is the source of my spiritual life and joy, the source of my ability to relate to the Holy Spirit and others in a lifegiving, energy enriching, and mutually enjoyable way. It is incredible to me that anyone would think that I am happier or more peaceful or centered in this state. No, I am just too goddamned sick to care. My calm state is just the result of someone who is so sick and suffering so much that I don't complain, yell or rage, because I need to husband all resources to deal with how godawful bad I feel. Dale looked as if she doubted me when I told her that I was hating the way I feel. Well, trust me, to you, it may look normal, but to me it could not be more abnormal. I HATE THE WAY I FEEL WITH A FUCKING PASSION, A FUCKING PASSION, and furthermore as I keep telling everyone, YOU ARE KILLING THE GOOSE THAT LAYS THE GOLDEN EGG. Under this hormonal configuration, I am not capable of intellectual discernment or productiving, or emotional giving. I am just a stymied stump of fat flesh.

Today, I am healthy enough to state my emotions. Yesterday, the energy drain was so
great that I could barely stumble through life physically, much less complain of how shitty and fucked up I felt. As a matter of fact, for the first time ever in my life, I had to leave my clothes at the laundry mat half done. It is going to cost me a chunk of change to redeem them, but there was no alternative. I was so sick that I knew I had to leave immediately and get home, or else I was going to become so incapacitated that I would not be able to drive. I may not have gone to a religious service yesterday, but I can assure the level of suffering that I endured as a result of the damned hormones and virus onslaught was truly unbearable. As a matter of fact, it causes a kind of autistic semi-psychosis, which is so horribly unbearable that the only thing I can do is try to knock myself out with alcohol so that I don't feel it.

A final thought--I am beginning to rethink my position on sex change. As much as I want to keep my intersexed body, I have to accept that I no longer have MY intersexed body. The flesh I inhabit is a mutilated and fat bloated carcass which I despise with a passion. However, the most important concern is to get my energy levels back up to a point that I can be intellectually and emotionally responsive and creative in a lifegiving way. That will not happen under this hormonal configuration. The brain absolutely cannot think like this--there is too much negativity draining me. To be honest, I don't even want to live in this body anymnore. I went to scratch a rib today, and realized how much I hated this new mutilated body. I want my expanded torso and buff rib cage back. I want to feel good and happy about myself again, about my mind, about my energy, about my emotional life. If the only way I cand do that is to become a man, then so be it. I HATE WHO I AM NOW WITH A PASSION, AND I JUST WANT IT TO BE OVER WITH.

Now, gotta go pick up my clothes left at the laundry mat and do some shit, before I become so non-functional that I can barely move.