My God, I have suffered for years

My God, I have suffered for years for this... After another day of physical agony and severe depression, I think I entered the antechamber of "the Holy Grail"--interdimensional realm of consciousness. WHAT A HUGE FUCKING DISAPPOINTMENT!!!! I've been there before, years ago, before the PIB's began the process of destroying my body and brain with implants. And guess what? When I did it before, I came back full of energy and agapic love and life, and the ability to give to others. Now, I enter, nearly destroyed in body and brain, so autistic that I can barely relate to anyone, unable to be employed, or do even the smallest of physical exercise, in constant physical pain and agony from all the destroyed mutilation, locked muscle spasms and cramps, and nerve pressure pain. This time I no longer I come back to "reality", all aglow with love and revitalized energy, but instead so fucked up that I can barely walk or hold my bowling-bowl head up, with all the excess csf and migraine pain I now experience. I left for the astral reality and came back, not wanting to do great things for God, but begging for death, because my physical existence is now such sheer, agonizing, hellish misery. I don't come back, physically and emotionally healed, but wishing that someone would put a blast from a double barreled shotgun in my head to end this hell that is my life. And all for a deep contemplative state that I have been in several times before, but have been prevented from reentering by the goddamned implants which destroyed my ability to do deep contemplation. I am reminded of my terrorized anxiety in kindergarten (I know because it was in Michigan), when I literally peed my underpants while I tried to open my mouth to say my ABC's which no matter how I tried, couldn't come out. But all that anxiety was for absolutely nothing, BECAUSE I ALREADY KNEW HOW TO READ BOOKS!!! No one ever taught me. I just knew, and a year or two later in early elementary school, I was happy to read in class, because it helped me to talk, BUT I WAS ALREADY READING ADULT BOOKS, including the Bible (KJV, mind you--not an easy read), and college level poetry. But in school I stayed in imaginative fantasy as I was utterly lost in the classroom, while teachers clapped their hands, and tried to teach syllabic emphasis. Even now, I still don't get it.

Nor do I get all the need for these goddamned implants to help one enter a contemplative state. As a matter of fact, I can definitely say that lot of the people (and aliens) who are able to enter this dimension have no great spiritual giftedness to envy or emulate at all. They may have a certain concentration of focus, but it is not the gift of God, or spirit, but of a learned discipline (albeit, helped along by alien tech implants), and while it is laudable, as are all efforts at learning the discipline of concentration and focus, it is a dangerous skill in the ranks of the spiritually immature--just like teaching martial arts to an aspirant in evil. That is the situation this world is in--so many of these interdimensionally fluent humans really do not have the spiritual maturity to own, recognize, appropriate and use the gift. I guess that is why they thought that they were doing me a big favor by implanting me--WHICH COMPLETELY DESTROYED MY PRE-EXISTING INNATE ABILITY FOR INTERDIMENSIONAL CONSCIOUSNESS (or as I prefer to call it, deep contemplation).

No, instead they have destroyed my body, leaving me pain wracked (even as I write this my arms are going numb from my mutilated shoulders), with no self-esteem, either about my bodily person or my spiritual life. They have destroyed the genius of my mind, leaving it slow, plodding, and autistically handicapped. They have stolen years from my life, leaving it full of physical pain and emotional and mental torment, and all for a gift I already possessed, had they been mature practicioners, and just able to guide and tweak it.

So congratulations you fucking assholes--mission accomplished. And all you had to do in the process was steal my joy, my energy, and my once proud and happy self-identity.
I'm sick to my stomach. I need to force myself to take a shower, and force myself to touch this Mengelian lump of flesh that is now my body, while I deal with reality in the constant haze of autistic stressful alienation from reality.

Just gotta say, no way in hell is or was it worth it. I would have wished for death years ago if I knew this was to be my future.