Clearly, I am still drugged up,

Clearly, I am still drugged up, though I cannot tell for sure how much of it is the residual result of psychotropics in my system. Certainly the brain rushes last night, familiar to me from lithium abuse, were not a good sign. Maybe it will just take a while to clear all the SHIT and POISON from my brain. It is evident to me that my brain is not working well right. However, part of the problem could be the excessive female hormones that I am being given right now. I know that I am being force fed female hormones because of the mucous lining my mouth. On top of that, I have lost my normal high energy. Also, as strange as might appear to most people, testosterone helps me THINK. It gives me drive and focus. My feminine side is very right brain. It lives in a world of images and imagined scenarios. It is the source of my creativity. But the testosterone gives me the ability to think logically and make critical connections, to get out of the imagination, and into the world of verbal discernment, judgment and expression. The latter is what is missing now. The stupid, goddamned patriarchal fucks who want to turn me into an icon of femininity so that they can have a false idol to project their idolatrous psychological worship onto, have no understanding of me or my psyche. I am not a female. If there had been no testosterone boost when I was 12 and 13, I would probably be a gentle, lost soul, barely able to interact with reality, living at home with my mother, or institutionalized. At best, I would have been a highly neurotic, creative spirit like Emily Dickinson, whose short, brief cryptic poems indicate to me true genius, but a lack of focus and drive to follow through on expression. As a matter of fact, in the early days of my drugged up suffering, when it seemed that only the Jesuit/Opus Dei/Nazi Bad Guys were reading my journal, I still persevered with the help of a favorite Dickinson line regarding her poems: "This is my letter to the world that never wrote to me."

I recognize that my brain is going through a healing, recharging period. I have been here before, after all. I just hope that the damage to my memory and ability to pull my right side of my brain through the left side of expressive logic and discrimination is not permanently impaired. I plan to take some testosterone later today, after routine house chores, to see if that helps me think. Right now, I am afraid that I will have to go back and reread most of what I read this week in an attempt to jog the memory and jumpstart the brain.

I will have to do this with the mental fog caused by the virus, and constant back pain from where I have been mutilated. Interestingly enough, I woke up with sore legs and hammies. I didn't do any physical exercise yesterday at all. All I did was sweep and mop my entire house, and yet my muscles are sore. Partly, that may be because the psychotropic drugs turn my muscles into unresponsive and atrophying dead zones, but it is also indicative of what I have noticed the few times that I have tried to work out, post-mutilation. What I have noticed is that my muscles no longer work together properly in exercise, which is not surprising, because for 50 years they worked a certain way, and now they are in a configuration that denies them their natural propensity.


Then there is the problem with my gut. I don't know how much of my problem is the nanotechnology in my guts destroying my natural bacterial flora (remember the virus probably gets into my system under cover of bacteria) has been dismembered by the nanotech bacteria/virus. I have read that both Ariel Sharon and Einstein, both of whom were implanted with the virus, had trouble with their intestines after implantation (Sharon had to have a long length of gut removed because it was totally necrotic--makes me wonder how much of my intestinal tissue is completely dead). But I never even had a healthy gut! I am an autistic, and like most autistics, I have had problems with my gut for most of my life. Now, it just feels dead and unresponsive, just like my muscles did, after years of the virus and psychotropic drugs destroying them. That may be the source of a lot of my weight gain and hunger cravings as well.

Finally, I woke up feeling once more that I was under the influence of depakote--I know because of how shitty, miserable and low energy I feel upon awakening. That is not normal for me at all. But I guess the question I have to ask myself after years of drugging and abuse, "what is normal for me?"

Anyway, I am killing time. I have lost my ability to focus and concentrate, and I am going to take some testosterone later to see if that helps, but right now I am waiting on a maintenance man to do some work around my house. I don't want to take the testosterone until I am ready to sit down and plow through some things. I have say, that despite everything, I have a quiet optimism that everything is going to work out okay. I just read where a reporter interviewing Obama actually DID HIS JOB. Yeppers, Obama may think that he is going to be the cool cat figurehead of the Fourth Reich, but this time around (as opposed to the Democrat primary process and general election), it looks as if some members of the media have lost their brainwashed lockstep.

I have to play my part. I just wish I felt better.