Saturday, February 28, 2009

Why I am angry...

Why I am angry...someone asked me today why I was angry and couldn't "let go" of the suffering caused by the tormentors who seem to enjoy drugging me. The answer is quite simple. As I write this my back is writhing in spasmic pain from the drugs. My abdominal wall is locked up in muscular spasm. My left leg has the nerve damage pain, but still it is not as bad as what I went through at the library. This is all the result of the drugging, but still it is not as bad as what I went through earlier today. My torturers love to torment me at the library. God forbid that I read or write or be in any way productive. So, some sweetly idiotic homeless man did their dirty work for them, causing immediate headache, blood sugar crash (which exacerbates the sick headache), and the inability to look up (one of the symptoms of a brain stem "tumor" which I have identified as afflicting me). I suffered so much that I had to go outside and just sit for a half hour before I could get back on my bike.
Why do they persist in this? To make me think I am crazy? Or just to make sure that I can never self-actualize, through writing, or any kind of employment, in any meaningful way that they don't control. More and more I think the latter. And it works...because right now I am in too much pain to stay seated here at this computer any longer.

Friday, February 27, 2009

Barely functional as this goddamn psychotropic drugs

Barely functional as this goddamn psychotropic drugs is driving me crazy with pain and muscle spasms. Back wants to go ouyt. Fighting it but i cant control how much massive speed is in my system. 207 pounds and i would see 3 pounds of it is miserable bloat caised by speed. one thing for sure pain is real. taken a fiornal and hope it dont get worse. went to sleep at f5 in the morning last nite because too drugged up on speed. i went to go to a job intv today but was so drugged halfway there that i had to turn to turn around. cant function this drugged. cant function with this much paian., too goddamn sick to take alcohol. isure hope this fiornal works

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Unimaginable suffering

Unimaginable suffering as once again is uffer from headaches and the unbearable stimuli of any sort. I had seizures last nite before dropping off to sleep. always thought the vibrations i had wass just stymied energy, and of course the fucking opus dei idiots who torture me think its a psychotic manifestation. but they are not. they are honest go Gid seuzyres and i got a badly bitten tongue to prove it. happened whil i was relaxed trying to sleep. alsoam having the severe brain rushes--like electrical jolts again--first time in long time. as sick as i am i have to get some t ylenol pm. i cannot sleep with these brain rushhes. i know something is going on with brain stem. other symptoms to prove it but i am too goddamned sick to go further. "Fuck you ratzinger, and the horse you rode on" Signed a proud free woman gooing through unimaginable suffering caused by chemical torture of low lide Nazis who dare to call themself christian (oh and lets not forget their political counterparts)

Tuesday, February 24, 2009


FUCKING PRICKS GOT ME ON LITHIUM or something like it. I have gained over 4 pounds in threed dsayys. Teher is only one thing that does that--lithium. I was letting the fucking assholes know what i think of them and their goddamned drugs when they kicked me out. Obviously they dont want ratzfucker and opus devil to know what i think of their sorry heretical asses. Im too sick to reconstruct. Not able to do yoga im so fucking sick because like a dumbass i took a diamox before class to try to get ric ofheadache. i skip-ped it last nite which is why i startyed to feel better today--good enough to write part i to dr h about the risperdol. part ii is about the fucked up feeling i have had sicne saturday with belly so bloated it is tender tou touch and can only eat and drink in small quantities. how much weight am i gonna gain this time around? makes me sick to even think about it. Got to go to medical office for finance assistance tomorrow . dont know if i can make it as fudcked up as i am . hate you fucking assholes. every single one of you. destroy me if you wish. i wont do shit for you. and as of right now the surgery is off.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Headaches gone

Headaches gone-now it is just physical and mental torment of these gd implants that i cant stop. legs want to run, to move, to kick but instead teeter like a seventy year old woman. cannot stand this mental tormnet in my brain. i want to smash the weasel face of martin, to blow the brains out of every goddamned securtiy agent who has been on this pshycic rape of me. i understand the point is to make me suffer. good slaves do. somewhere ratzinger is smiling, piece of shit.

Friday, February 20, 2009

I saw a spider this morning

I saw a spider this morning--reminded me of the monstrous evil to which I would be remanding myself if hospitalized, so once again, I am forcing myself forward. Bear the pain, the drugging, the suffering, the misery. If Ratzinger's evil minions and the opus dei tentacles wrap around you, you are a goner. You havc to be strong. There are good people rooting for you. Don't let them down.

very sick

very sick--too sick to function. Even after a half hour of just sitting here I am too sick to move. I think i am on risperdol. i am suffering from congestion. Going to hhospital because i cant stand the pain. i may spend the rest of my life locked up in psych wards. one thing i know for sure--these fuckers will not be happy till they have me where they want me, which means they will never be happy vecause i despise them everything they stadn for and will wnot cooperate. am i being stupid? am i looking to spend months in a psych hospital? cant live like i am . too sick to do anything. howse a messbike has flat tire. toosick to shop or do laundry. cant read or even watch tv. just too goddamned sick.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

So fucked up

Sooner or later will have ot go to dr because i cannot function in reality at all. not seeing things. brain doesnt want to let any more stimul in. too sick to do anything but lay in bed with sheet round head. how the fuck did this happen god how di d i become this. once gain motherfuckers r puttin psychotropics in me that make me unable to function in reality

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Drugged and sick beyond belief

Drugged and sick beyond belief for the third day in row (I was drugged monday but i was well enough to take a three hour tes). I cannot function. My head is so heavy it feels like three times its normal weight. Headache I wont even complain aobut. Im suffering too much from others. I cant read. I cant watch tv. Autistic again. I cant bear any stimul but esp peoples faces. I realize i am just a thing to the security agencies which are responsible for this shit. Been a long time since i have been a human beign. but the political atmosphere and leaders in this country do not know what a human being or freedom is. Shit rolls downhill. sucks to be me--a human being who once knew freedom. Too sick to continue. I wish there were a gun in this house. I wish anything to put self out of this goddamned misery pain and suffering. i am less than an animal.

Barely able to keep my eyes open

Barely able to keep my eyes open with new drug. Too sick to do much more than lay in bed. Brain cannot stand stimuli. I forced myself to drive three miles to dol evrn tho i knew i was a danger to others because i was too drugged up to drive Just to find out that it was a waste of time. TPTB have no intention of letting me find a job. I guess I will remain in a drugged up vegetative state til they decide what to do with me. But given my absolute lack of regard for the current setup of PTB I dont know how it will ever happen. I just want to be left alone by these pricks.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Please God

let me die. Suffering beyond imagination. Jus want to die. so sick of being in pain, fucked up ondrugs. dont want to be here. please someone anyone kill me. pput me out of misery

Cant hold my head up

Cant hold my head up on account of all the csf in head. Massive headache. Dont know if i am going to be able to get out of bed. Maybe later i will see if a fiornal does the tridck but it will be third day in a row i have taken one and i dont want to do it. My body is just not wantiung to do anything. lay in bed with sheet wrapped round head. i have taken cofee and ate meat (first step to combatting headache). i will take an excedrin but i have doubts. i have fire behind both eyes (started last nite when the assholes drove me to edge of psychosis with speed). that means too much pressure in head. bedtime.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Fiornal last nite and fiornal today

Fiornal last nite and fiornal today as I struggle with severe migraines caused by the excess speed. Want to pick up shit and just smash things. So angry. want to curse out the motherfuckers who have put this shit in my body. My legs too antsy to sit styill. Toof ucked up to do anything. except watch tve again. goddamned assholes.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Desperate to remove excess csf fluid from body

Desperate to remove excess csf fluid from body--hurts to hold head up and cant stand to look at my swollen red face in the mirror or at my grossly swollen ankles and hands (no feeling in my hands , just like there is none in my legs). Unfortunately, I made a boo boo. I took a diamox I had stashed for the imaginary time when I would find a civil rights lawyer to take my case. I knew it was tainted but I was willing to trade off for the medicine. Instead the diamox was tainted with the same goddamned shit that makes me sick and I dont think there is any efficacious anti-diuretic medicine whatsoever. On top of that DIgestive problems amplify. I had bought some alpha lipoic acid otc in an attempt to relieve the severe neuropathy in my legs. Instead I found that the ala tabs just increase the bloatedness in belly and the stuffy congestion in my espophagus and upper stomach that makes it hard for me to even breath. In short I am fucked up miserable. but whatever drug was in the diamox it is making me sleepy. after the hell from last nite i could use a good nits sleep. its just so hard to sleep when there is so much csf in head. have to try.

"Always winter and never Christmas"--

"Always winter and never Christmas"--that is how CS Lewis described the land of Narnia under the reign of the evil witch. Well, the evil witch is looking to extend her reign to planet Earth. I have been sick and barely functional all day, struggling to get up and do what had to be done (like appearing before a kangaroo court on a ticket), but I realize now that the amplification of the implants and psych drugs in me is retaliation for last night. What happened last night? Joy. Sheer, pure, unadulterated joy as I listened to a gospel CD by Mahalia Jackson (it's been a long time), and responded through spirit and vocalization in praise and gratitude. Yep. I've figured it out now. What my tormenters hate most of all is joy--"Christmas in the midst of winter" that has become my life. Already today, I have had to turn off my music radio--the sounds make me sicker instead of invoking the normal response of spiritual and emotional exhilaration But that is okay. I know my birthright and heritage is joy and music and song, and even though I am so sick now that I can barely lift my fluid filled head, I will keep my joy safe in a hidden spot where I may not be able to enjoy it, but I can protect and preserve it.
Anyway last night I recognized the anxiety and fear that has become so much of my daily nightime routine. Even more importantly I could recognize the clear manifestation of demonic spirit in the room with me. I never said that before, and even now am reluctant to share the tell-tale evidence that led to the conclusion. I always thought that the drugs created the anxiety and stress in me, but I now realize that it is, from a spiritual perspective, nothing more than a demonic assault, and I just gotta hang in there. God will rescue me in Her or His own good time, and even if it is the hour of my physical death, God will come. In the meantime I have to force myself to act even if I am so sick I can hardly move. Merry Christmas, everyone, and God bless each and every one of you!!!!

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Mental fog and complete inability to concentrate

Mental fog and complete inability to concentrate--mental symptoms of my life now. Then there is the physical problems--my legs have no sensation except when I go to walk, and then its pain. Woke up this morning with stretch mark not only in my legs but also running down from tip of my thumb to my wrist (from all the excess edema in my body). I have been trying to drag myself to do anything all day long, but am completely unable. Reminded of why I have spent the last three years watching tv--only thing I am able to do in this state. Trying so hard to force myself to do something but the body is too sick

Friday, February 6, 2009

Woke up this morning truly feeling like

Woke up this morning truly feeling like shit, like death, like hell, well like I am started to be drugged on psychotropics. In addition to waking up after a tossturned light, light dreamless, and most unrefreshing sleep, I am not only in severe muscular pain from the implants but once again my eyes cannot bear any stimuli. This means psychotropics. SO sick of this shit. Sick of suffering sick of pain, but nothing I can do but endure it. I wont read this morning. In a few hours i will be totally nonfunctional, not able to do anything but lay still with a sheet wrapped round head. this means i have to get everything possible donw--check out printer, wash dishes. startt now tita, I dont know how long i will be able to last. i dont know how long vefore i have to take fiornal for headache

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Severe neuropathy in both legs and feet

Severe neuropathy in both legs and feet--a lot of pain doing yoga today. I realize how much my body has deteriorated tho I try so hard to stay physically active. The lost week of psychotropic drugs and no exercise also caused a weight gain of 2 pounds. So I don't feel very happy today. I figure at the rate I am going I will be in a wheelchair in two years. So I have to start doing some serious thinking about the upcoming surgery since I'm certain that they are going to do more horrible things and implants to my body which already is totally trashed. Too depressed to deal with it right now--I wonder what the long term effects of constant cerebral edema (which is another gift the fuckers have bestowed on me) is--besides of course, going blind...

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

205 pounds

205 pounds and too sick to work out. I have too much speed in me, weighing down all my body, deadening muslces and giving headaches. cant even turn head. Time for bed--hope i can sleep with this kind of fluid filled, painful headache.

I'm actually able to lift my head today

I'm actually able to lift my head today though I still am high as a kite and my legs have no sensation. All I want to do is lay down in bed and recuperate from the body and psyche trauma of the last few days. But I don't know when the torture will begin again. I have to stock up on food and water. And even though, I don't feel like it, I have to force my deadened body to work out--otherwise I will degenerate with even greater rapidity than I am now.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009


Resentful? No, too goddamned sick to be resentful. 3rd day that I have been completely nonfunctional. Too sick to read, too sick to surf, toosick to watch tv. Any efforts at any of the above give me a severe migraine headache. Brain cannot stand any stimuli. all i can do is sleep and dream--tghe dream of a feverish person. My back is startin to lock up buth there is no way i can do yoga. there is no way that i can drive. My only goal for today is to take a shower--last one i took was on firday, sat i skepped and sunday i woke up, too sick too move. but it takes such immense effort to move a hand or leg, i dont know i fican get up the effort to stand in shower for 15 minutes. not depressed tho. i know why i am suffering this. and i choose it. I dont cooperate with depraved, fraudulent evil that unfortunately now sits at the highest levels in this land. id rather die first, and all the goddamned drugs u give me cant change my moral center. not that i expect that to matter--the people who are druggin me woulnt recogniz morality if it steamrolled them.

Monday, February 2, 2009


Resentful--hell yeh I am resentful. Second day havent been able to get up due to psychotropic drugs. Cant even drink coffee--the sure sign to me that I am too sick to go towwork when I can drink coffee. aTried yesterdaya--drank half cup Not even able to try today. Unable to watch sb yesterday. Going to go back to bed since i am too sick to do anything. Yeh i am resentful. I am resentful too of the two mind reading students who I have probably to thank for this mess. Such stupid asses alienated rfrom reality that they cant recognize what goes on in my head--a rehash of memory to try to look for clues, and a mental impression of obaama that was directly tied to the cnn broadcast i was watching while working out. But the dear little wannabe mind reader had absolutely no idea (I know I paid more attention to her than she did me) of what I was watching on tv. That is the difference between a neurotic, alienated mindreader and a healthy functioning one. I was totally attuned to outward reality while part of my attention engaged the imaginative meanderings in my head for clues (and the image that shocked the poor naive little mind reader was a subliminal image that the evil puppetmaasters purposely placed at the beginning of the third debate to subliminally coerce voters. Of course I wsnt coerced; just outraged at the contempt withc which obama and his puppet masters hold the American voter and population. Well congratulations asshole doctors. Today, like yesterday you have succeeded in alienating and separating me from reality. All I have now is my unconscious meandings.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Very sick

Very sick--have no feeling in legs or left hand. Body is feeling disembodied. Struggling to get up and move. supposed to go to friends house to wath sb. So gd sick i cant move