Sunday, October 31, 2010


STUPIDASS IDIOTIC FUCKS have got me drugged up on something again today--something that has got me so fucking depressed i am closed off from reality and wanting to take a goddamned butcher knife and cut off the fucking mengelian manboobs that the stupid goddamned prick aryan pigs left me with. how do i know i am drugged when, to be honest, I am depressed most of the time anyway (anybody who would live in the fucked up hell that is my life would be depressed), but most especially due to the goddamned neverending fucking pain, which since the castration and thoracic mutilation, is FUCKING NEVERENDING. Tried to do yoga but im so fucked up i can barely walk up the steps. have no energy to do yoga, just want to lay there. today i couldnt stop crying because the goddmaned drugs have got me so fucked up. and i so goddamned pissed off because i know why the FUCKING DRUGS the FUCKING LIES, THE FUCKING MANIPULATION, THE FUCKING STUPIDASS MIND GAMES CONTINUE. I knew that when the psychic I saw yesterday kept asking me leading questions about a vocation in a religious community, whether monastic, whether Episcopalian, or Sikh!!! GODDAMN IT MOTHERFUCKERS, GET ITF, GET IT GOOD, YOU STUPIDASS FUCKING IDIOT PRICKS I DO NOT HAVE A RELIGIOUS VOCATION. AND EVEN WHEN I THOUGHT I DID, IT WAS A FUCKING LIE THAT I TOLD MYSELF AND OTHERS--TRYING TO GET HELP FROM THE SUPERNATURAL DEMONS THAT WERE OPPRESSING ME. I will say FOR THE GODDAMNED UMPTEENTH TIME, that I need to be respected and treated as a free human being in order to achieve the purpose of my vocation (and to be honest, it is already achieved. I am ready to die today rather than continue to live in this pain-wracked, weak eunuch's body). The lameass christians and wannabe freedom fighters who follow some fantasy about doing God's will or saving the world (while, I, am wounded and alone, engaging in the real McCoy, every night I am abducted or fight shapeshifting into a reptilian, will no doubt shake their heads, and wisely say,"oh it is the suffering that has led to her success and it is continued suffering that will lead her to embrace a celibate saintly vocation. HOGWASH! BULLSHIT! STUPIDITY OF THE HIGHEST ORDER FROM SPIRITUAL MIDGETS WHO KNOW NEXT TO NOTHING OF THE SPIRITUAL LIFE. My life is filled with suffering now, past, present and future. Like any other person engaged in REAL spiritual warfare, and not living out some heroic hivemind fantasy, I KNOW how much suffering is involved and I know how to accept; I don't need any piled on so that you can play mind games with me to see how corrupting the reptilian etheric body is. All you have to do is work with me, relate to me (and not from stupidass mind games--oh go pretend with someone else you stupid idiots), and you can figure it out for yourself. You don't even have to relate to me on a level of sensitivity or great trust. Just let me do a job, any job. Oh, but geez, she might fall in love again. We can'thave that, can we. In the little mind games we play with our own heads, in which the rhetoric that flies in their hivemind, Marxist-styled (can't remember the precise word, thanks to my fucked up on drugs brain) meetings, or in the special little psychic frequencies we use to surreptitiously communicate with one another a la the schoolyard cliques (are you special? Are you in or are you out? Well first lets make sure she passes the political correctness litmus test. I think she's a racist). Fuck you. While you are playing adolescent games (hopefully, one day you grow up to join the REAL fight), I am taking hits from the REAL fight on the chin, with no support of any kind, except financial handouts from my mother whose interest in keeping me maintained is to destroy me through all the satanic rituals she has been attending with her evil, ex-CIA Illuminati husband.
I know what I need. I have said it for years. Just because I heal somebody praying in tongues (was I praying in the Aryan tongue? I don't know. To me it was verbal nonsense, designed to amplify thepower of the Holy Spirit), doesn't mean I am your version of some aryan celibate saint. I am not celibate. REPEAT FOR CHRIST'S SAKE: I AM NOT CELIBATE. Yes, I have a spiritual vocation. EVERY PERSON ON THIS PLANET HAS A SPIRITUAL VOCATION. I am so fucking sorry that you are homophobic and hung up on rigid, traditional roles for women (and believe it or not, I accept, to a certain degree, that women and men play complementary, supporting roles for one another. But don't leave me out to hang, twisting in the wind alone, while you rush to open a door for me, trying to convince yourselves what men you are). Really, in some ways I am an old fashioned, patriarchal kind of girl. Despite my unease with the feminine role, for years I have deliberately taken on the that role, always smiling courteously when someone opens a door for me, because I believe that good, civil manners should always be graciously appreciated. But it has been a long time (nearly fifteen years) since ANY man has been a real supporter to me, which I wouldn't mind (I take people, as they are, and where they are) except that, then, they latch on my goddamned teat (including what little is left of it), all the while thumping their chests and self-congratulating their peers about what men they are. What does a real man do? They extend themselves to the fullness of their capability. I read a short bio recently about a good man, Otto von Habsburg. He is involved in the financial behind the scenes warfare mess that has been going for years. I am only superficially informed about that situation, but he really was blasted on the web so I decided to check into his background a little bit. I have to say that I went in a little prejudiced because I don't believe in a strong hereditary royalty (although I not rabid about it--certainly I am coming around to the belief that we, in republics and democracies, need some kind of ceremonial leadership position, so that we quit voting for leaders based on their acting abilities in garnering cult of celebrity status (hmmmm....who would I rather have a beer with? HMMMM. Who is the better dancer? Who has the whiter teeth? Who would I like to fuck? On and on. Who gives a fuck? The question should be, Who can answer the questions? Who has a track record? Who knows policy and policy implementation? Who has personal connections and relationships in the hugely corrupt and brutal world of politics? Anyway Duke Otto was slandered mightily on the Internet, but after I looked into it, I came away, convinced that he is a real mensch. And one of the stories that I really enjoyed about him was that he allegedly punched Rev Ian Paisley (a hateful Ulsterman and activist), after he held up a sign that called John Paul II "Anti-Christ" and went on one of his verbally abusive tirades. Now I'm not saying that I want to see punches thrown every time there is a disagreement, but Duke Otto, who is a slight man (and Paisley is/was a redfaced bully), also happens to be a Catholic crown prince. By the standards of the aristocracy in which he was reared, it was absolutely appropriate for him to take umbrage at the scandalous offense given his Pope, who had proven himself to be a man of deep sanctity and a fighter for human rights. As a woman, I would never throw a punch at anybody, and most especially a man (because then I lose the moral authority which being the physically weaker gender affords me),unless I was in a desperate fight for my life or the life of another. But I was reared in a patriarchal culture with a patriarchal father, and occasionally, it is incumbent upon men to stand up for what is right, on the physical level. That doesn't mean I support fistfights to resolve issues. I don't. I support men having enough personal authority, so that they don't need to fight when they confront an issue. When a man has true authority, everyone knows that they mean business, and so the situationn does not escalate. But here's the catch. What separates the men from the boys is that MEN have authority, because they ACCEPT authority. No male likes to be subordinate in authority to someone they don't like or whose positions they don't respect. I don't either. But until they can accept the authority of someone "just because they hold the office", they can never act with real authority themselves, and therefore are reduced to boys thumping their chest, demanding, "treat me like a man." Duke Otto has had a pretty tough life. He never ascended to the throne due to the post WWI politics that left him exiled from his home country, Austria-Hungary. From what I can tell, he doesn't feel sorry for himself. He submits to the authority that was usurped from his historical claim, without any kind of posturing or bitterness. He has been involved in pan-European kind of movements to try to impact a future for his homeland, that was supposed to have been his realm. From watching videos, I clearly can see that he still loves his homeland, with a deep and abiding love, which is more than I can say for loud mouth Ian Paisley. who is in love with an ideological vision for his homeland. This is an example of a royal prince extending himself quite a bit to show his manhood, but it doesn't have to be that dramatic. I prayed over my neighbor yesterday, because I could see, not only that he was really suffering, but also because he is a real man. We haven't always gotten along, but now that we do, he offers to do little handyman kind of things for me, not because he "likes" me, but because he is a mensch, and that is what real men do. He is on the frontlines of this goddamned alien war too. I am not sure if it is because he unconsciously tried to come to my aid during the nightly abductions, or if the damned aliens just recognized a psychically vulnerable prey one night when they were in the vicinity, but he has the implants and virus in him too. The night that I was castrated, he ended up with a coma in the hospital. I wish the situation were different, for I would not wish for anybody to end up suffering like he is (and especially because unlike me, he doesn't have the weapons to fight back). But still, I have to give him credit--he's a man. He extends himself to the fullness of his capabilities, and that is why I prayed over him.
Now, let me just end by saying, that any gift of healing I have, I will continue to have once I am in relationship. As a matter of fact, I think that I will have MORE to give, once I feel loved and supported in some measure, which right now I clearly do not. I am in so much pain--I'm not really able to function very well at all. I'm trying to stay abreast of what is going on, but I am so drugged and feel so bad that I cannot stay on top of things. Just have to wait and see.

Thursday, October 28, 2010


Yanked from one psychotropic drug to another, never feeling well, and sometimes going out of my mind with pain and drug induced, autistic psychosis (unable to bear any kind of reality stimuli at all). My gym membership is up for renewable, and I am debating whether to pay the upfront annual fee to keep my membership at my current gym, which is fine for me, if all I will do is work out once a week on the weight machines, in a losing effort to keep my muscle tone. Mentally, I am feeling better, and the desire to do yoga (which I haven't done in over 3 months), is strong, so I think of rejoining my old gym, but that is much more expensive, so I want to be sure. Every time I try to do a yoga move, energy just starts shaking my body like a rag doll, and I become so weak I want to faint. But the energy is trapped. I can't experience or release it, as I used to do routinely, and in the last year or so, through shaking. Maybe all that trapped energy is why I feel so depressed. I don't like who I am or the way I feel in my own body. I have been especially depressed all day after reading the story of a Chinese eunuch who recently passed--horribly tragic. I would rather be a slave than a eunuch, for at least a slave can know moments of pleasure in love and the fruitful achievement of labor. This poor guy was castrated, penis and balls, when he was 9 years old. He was physically weak for the rest of his life, and never really found a life or family (the emperor's reign crumbled, and with it, all demand for eunuchs). I seriously wonder if I am going to be physically weak and energetically enervated (can't even ride a bike for more than a mile) for the rest of my life. I now find it difficult to lift a desktop computer from a desk, something that before, never even gave me pause. When the viral downloads hit, I can feel my muscles become so weak that I can barely drag myself to walk or move my arms. I find myself weakly clenching my fists over and over to assure myself that I am not paralyzed. The negative emotional repercussions continue as well, I put on street clothes to go grocery shopping yesterday, as I am so tired of the constant negative reinforcement and hateful (at worst), and pitying (at best) stares I get directed at the manboobs on my chest. I used to deal with occasional hate stares from immature men who assummed that I was a gay woman. Now it's worse. People literally can't tell if I am a gay woman, or a hypogonadic gay man, and the looks of hate, dismay, and pity comes from both genders, all ages, and all stations of life. I think it is worse when I am high testosterone, because when I have enough testosterone, I actually am more engaging in life; when I am low testosterone I am severely depressed and barely able to get through it. I guess the majority of people prefer their freaks and pathetic handicappeds to be depressed, rather than happy and outgoing. I know that I just need to make a decision to be me, and fuck whatever anybody else thinks. The truth is that I don't feel like either a man or a woman; most days like today, when I am so drugged up that I am barely functional, I don't even feel human. But I have always been a go with the flow pragmatist. I like as little fuss and drama as possible. I just need to choose and go with it. I need to decide whether to hope for a masectomy or some kind of non silicon "boob job" that gives me a bustline back. It makes a big difference. Alll my life I have had to work at being female, at being receptive, quiet, and gentle. It really is a big help to look down and see a bosom. Without it, I just feel more aggressive and jutting. But that really is who I am. I can see now that the reason I had so much trouble getting along with conservative Christians (who have very traditional and rigid gender role stereotypes) is that they felt the neurotic disconnect in my personality. I was trying to be feminine by being emotionally hyperactive, but it was all a learned behavior, and a big act. I'm a much better actress than people know--but now, I have lost my biggest and best prop. So now, I get to deal with people's discomfort at encountering such a strong and sssertive personality in a freakish (is it man or woman?) body. No win situation. Halloween is coming closer. My legs are hairy. Will they really get off raping a eunuch? That is small potatoes compared to what they have already done to me via the castration and breast and rib cage mutilation. I don't know. I just try to be prepared for anything--just wish I could figure out whether to identify more as male or female. I dreamed last night of being in the batter's box, and I didn't know how to treat these undesirable pitches coming in at me. I said, "well, if I am a man, I should swing at it,even if the swing is a little wild and even if I strike out; but if I'm a woman, I should just stand here, and hope I get lucky and get four balls and a walk. Of course, no decision reverts to the default--the feminine, but because I am paralyzed and not making the decision, it doesn't feel like an authentic response. I know a real woman would take ownership of the decision, but I am not a real woman, or a real that's the dilemma...

Monday, October 25, 2010

Pain. Neverending goddamned pain.

No doubt the aryans/reptiles are trying mightily to get me into their goddamned interdimensional clutches. I dont know how much longer i can live with this level of pain. It is not just the pain, it is what it is doing to my back, joints, hands, and shoulders and nerves. Too much pain to write. Goint to take another half vicodin to try to sleep, escpae the pain.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Nobody listens to me, even tho I'm always proven right.

10/24/10--Nobody listens to me (even though I nearly always get proven right). For years, I have told anyone who would listen that the viral downloads were poisoning my body and causing excessive csf to build up in my brain, making me severely autistic, and for the last 6 years, the PIB's have tried every drug combo in the world, trying to force through a chakra activation so that the reptiles can claim me as one of their own shape shifting spawn. (Actually, the neutral end is just an energtic discharge that enables one to enter interdimensional realms, but because the interdimensional beings controlling me are Aryans/reptiles, and because I have heavy reptilian DNA that is activated by both environmental chemtrails and the viral downloads, any interdimensional activity on my part is almost certainly going to be reptilian shifted). Maybe that is part of the reason I resist so mightily. I despise the reptilians and the Aryans for what they have done to me, and what they have done to humanity in the 20th century-- 50 million dead and Europe destroyed because the Aryans/reptiles (including Rothschild financing) helped Hitler.

They are still at it. Just this Tuesday or Wednesday, I saw my reptilian PIB handler--the same one I have seen before at the gym, and in Rio Rancho, years ago, when the PIBs first began forcing their viral downloads on me through the ventilation system. I had had no idea that he was there--sitting inches behind me, as I accessed the Internet on my netbook at the library. I was very sick, and told myself, "time to get up and go home to go to bed." As I turned to leave, I saw him. To his credit, he looked a little regretful, probably wondering if the whole goddamned approach had been wrong, and maybe a little sorry to see a once beautiful and happy woman destroyed by the mutilation and constant drugs. I don't know and I don't care. The only charitable feeling I can muster for him or any human PIB or alien Aryan that still follows the reptilian agenda and espouses their abusive disregard for the human body, soul, spirit and person, is PITY. If I thought that there was some guiding moral capacity still in him/them, I would be angry, and curse him out in my mind in hopes that my emotional outpouring would lead to a repentance and change in behavior.

But the reptilian Aryans and PIB's are truly lost--they are possessed and motivated by an evil spirit so deep and powerful that only an act of grace can save them. If I were healthy and free, I could perhaps help point them to the means of access to such grace, but I haven't been healthy or free for a long time. The constant physical and emotional suffering, and the lack of any emotional support or career vocational meaning has drained my spiritual battery to the point of being all but dead (it's still alive for me in my inner depths, but I am too tapped out to really reach out to anyone unless their own love helps jumpstart the battery for a brief moment).

Anyway, it was a little scary to see him so close to me. Sooner or later, the Aryan/reptilians are going to figure out that I'm never going to play ball for their team and when that happens I am going to be in deep danger--all they have to do is clamp a hand on my shoulder or put some kind of airborne poison in my home, and some forensic pathologist will never figure out a definitive cause of death. What keeps me alive, I guess, is my unconscious cooperation with them. Why do I do that? Two reasons I guess. First of all, anyone accessing their unconscious and the collective unconscious (for example, the "Akashic Records" ) in their sleep is completely vulnerable. I am reminded of Edgar Cayce, and how he learned to never give a reading without his wife present, because he was completely incapable of refusing any kind of request, no matter how immoral or unethical its implications, when he was in that state. I have known for years that I needed such a strong and protective partner to help me with the demands of my life; unfortunately the reptiles/Aryans know it too, and have made it a top priority to keep me emotionally isolated from any would be friend or lover. I just called Colleen on her birthday, and sure enough, she is not getting the emails I send her...

The second reason that I think I have cooperated with the reptilians is that in my inner psychic/spiritual depths, I have agreed to carry their own karmic evil spirit so that I can help exorcise it. How that precisely will play out is up to the mysterious inner workings of God's will. All I can do is act in accordance with the demands of my body and conscience, as guided by the the Holy Spirit. I do not actively resist the viral downloads; the body just does it naturally, no matter what cocktail of psychotropic drugs they add to the mix. And yesterday and today, they have added another doozy. It leaves me enervated and practically lifeless during the day (though at least I was able to dream last night, which for the previous two nights I did not--Depakote, anyone?), but when the viral downloads begin, I become severely autistic. Last night, I was watching the baseball league championships, and I had to turn off the Tv in the eight inning, despite a tie score. Watching the balls in the air seemed to be coming directly out at me, and gave me severe motion sickness. The motion sickness combined with the absolute worst back pain I have ever experienced, now that my organs, spine and rib cage have been mutilated or destroyed, gave me such a sick and pressing migraine, all I could do was take a fiornal and go to bed. Even this morning, my back is really bothering me--I have never had the kind of sacrum pain that I do now that my inner hermaproditic testicles were removed--I think that they acted as a placeholder to hold the spine away from nerves, which now scream at me.. Of greater concern is the increasing nerve damage in my left leg. It used to be just the thighs, but now it is going down to the kee and along my inner calf. Nerve pain is the worst. My back has become so stiff and unresponsive (especially where the missing thoracic ribs used to be), that I know I must act to try to keep them limber. I want to do yoga, and there is a yoga class today, but I feel so badly that I don't know if I can do any yoga. It is football season, and when I feel bad, I just want to lay on the floor, with my back completely supported, while I watch athletes play and move with an energy and vitality that I once had, but now can only access through memory....

Yet, no one listens to me. My body has AN INNATE RESISTANCE TO THE VIRAL DOWNLOAD, and no amount or mixture of psychotropic drugs is going to change that. You have done it for over 6 years, and all you have done is make me sick, hate life, and destroyed my ability to relate fully to life. I have carried reptilian DNA all my life, but I have never been so angry and irascible (except for my teenage years!) as I am now, with the viral downloads going all the time. LISTEN TO ME FOR ONCE, DAMMIT. Do you want me to go astral planing? Get rid of the drugs and implants and get me in a safe place and I guarantee it will happen. Take it on my word, because in these esoteric matters in which there is no definitive authority, my intuition has proven true time and time again! Well, it's not happening today. Autistic and in pain all afternoon....done here though.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Abductions still going on

Abductions still going on--I cannot feel the bumps in my head anymore (maybe because the csf isn't so backed up inside my skull anymore)--but they still are sticking probes up my nostrils. In those probes--for both nostrils, both sides of the brain--are the nanotech injections. Despite this, my mind feels stronger and stronger, even while my body reels in pain. I ended up taking a vicodin and flexiril last night but I still could not sleep from the pain, and woke up stiff and sore, as if some MMA fighter had boxed and kicked my body all night long. My left ribs hurt especially bad. I was afraid I had a kidney infection, but I felt around and could feel knots between my ribs. I suspect it is lymphatic clotting from all the excess toxins coursing through my bodies. I am struggling against depression. Every morning I wake up hating life, and my body, and the goddamned Aryans who have tore apart my body. It helps though, to surf the web, and feel the pulse of the real, true change for the good that I can dimly discern is happening. Even with my netbook, I am running out of time to use the library's wifi. I have so many things to do during the day, especially since the only exercise abailable to me right now is biking, which has to be done in daylight hours. I am thinking of getting a broadband connection at home again--I think so much better late at night. I'll see--right now I just take it day to day, trying to feel better.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Blog entries getting scattered, as I am.....

Blog entries getting scattered, as I am.....I have to apologize for the sloppy posting of the past few days. I just doublechecked and realized that there were several errors--too many to clear up, especially as drugged as I am. Could barely drag myself to drive a mile to the library to post this. Haven't showered in two days and didn't have the energy to change out the clothes I wore yesterday and slept in last night (sleeping is a war combat zone for me in which I routinely get medically raped and surgically and psychically assaulted and mutilated; I gave up wearing pajamas to bed years ago). I'm seriously drugged up on something--maybe depakote. I know because I woke up groaning. I recognize that. How many times have I done that before? It is the drug that I recognize as stealing my psychic and bodily energy from me even before I draw my first waking breath. It is worse than ever before because, since the castration, I no longer have the God-given gift of abundant, holy energy. Some days I am able to move and function, but never with the grace, energetic joy and music in my heart and house, that used to be my proud, personal signature. I have exercise equipment in my living room, but even at my best, all I can do is lay down in my living room floor, while watching sports. Getting on the treadmill and pounding out my engaged energy is a relic of what seems a long ago past, back in the days when I could look down and see breasts on my body). Today is certainly not even going to be even a mediocre day, even though I had plans for it. Not only did I recognize that the PIB's had drugged me with a familiar, if only guessed-at psychotropic, but I dreamed of cockroaches in my house last night. Bingo. The exact same dream image that I could find listed half a dozen times in the blog always associated with the same drug that I recognize but cannot authoritatatively name. All you PIB psychs, do a search for "cockroach" in my blog, and you will find it always associated with the same drug.
Anyway, too damned depressed to waste any time on thinking about it. I'm trying to prepare myself for what I know will be the grandaddy of all violating abductions on Halloween, but it's very hard to do anything at all when I am so sick from drugs that all I can do is lay down and watch tv...

Monday, October 18, 2010


So, I was talking about my imagination getting me into trouble, even though I purposely got into my imagination to do some self-healing from the sense of betrayal, abandonment, and hopelessness that the circumstances of my life currently dictate. But as always, I am running a little behind schedule--that is not what I want to talk about right now; that's another involved matter, and I think I prefer to talk about it, rather than write about it. My sense of imagination is gone, along with all my ability to think creatively or make connections, or to have any energy to creatively interact with, and engage reality. So, I hate to try to interpret the following dream, because when I am in this state, I am not in a spiritual condition at all, or even a fully human one. I have my inner thoughts and writing misinterpreted a lot, especially when done by psychics who don't know me, or understand the context at all. For NOTHING is forbidden in my imagination, and an honest and open imagination is actually the source of my strength, and my ability to tease out and separate the sliver of truth from all the misconceptions, limited ideologies, falsehoods and outright lies that predominate. Even as I wrote this, I had an image of a man having anal bestial sex with a horse--an image from a documentary I saw once. Now I can guarantee you that I have no interest in, or fascination with bestiality, but its an image that popped in my head to help self-illustrate (the purpose of "thinking" with the imagination) the writing I am currently doing. I do not identify with or believe everything that goes through my mind.

As a matter of fact, a primary role of my imagination is to play "devil's advocate." I imagine a certain sequence or fantasy in my head, and while it is going out through its 3D, colorful reels, I am simultaneously playing attention to my inner intuition that tells me, "is this right? is this true? how could this spin out?" Or I play out dramas in my head, having a "character" (usually a real person, and sometimes even playing myself in my head), saying something outrageously false or provocative, in order to gauge the other character's (or person's) response.

Jesus told his disciples, "be as innocent as doves, but cunning as serpents." Very few Christians follow this command, being brainwashed by institutional religion from a very early age to reject anything associated with "the serpent"." Now I agree that the "cunning of the serpent" is the wisdom of Satan and his demonic horde, but we will never be whole or holy, until we stop inhibiting and censoring the contents of our own imaginations and minds. We have to open our minds to accept anything (bestial sex), and then let it go away. When we get hung up on a censored area, such as with pornography and sex, then we have a neurosis, but the only way to heal neuroses is to accept and deal with them. It is perfectly understandable that youths, as hormonally aroused and sex-starved as they are, would be neurotic about sexual images, but when they don't mature out of it, or it hinders relationships in the real world (such as using date rape drugs), then that is sin that needs to be confronted, and it will usually be the significant other that will do it, for neurotic, or deep, psychically rooted sin should be confronted by someone who loves you, not a preacher, pastor, or priest from the pulpit.

A big reason that Satanists are so successful in the world (and they are) is that they embrace the wisdom of serpents--a free imagination. Yes, they have no scruples which assists them considerably, but even more I think that they are like me in having an uncensored and free imagination, so that they can visualize and evaluate hypothetical multiple scenarios. Nothing is forbidden them, either in imagination or act. I would say that a healthy imagination is a free and uncensored imagination (so hard in our politically correct, ideological world), but that a spiritually oriented person is constrained to act on what passes in their imagination. I may conjure up an image of bestial sex, but it would be deeply immoral to act out on such an image. Jung would call this "embracing your shadow," and noted that many Christians are not whole or holy people at all; instead they project out what they reject in their own selves--in nearly every culture it is sexuality--onto others and then condemn then for it. So they think that they are virtuous and moral, when really they are intolerant, small-minded, "halflings" who are incapable of creative interaction or problem solving at all. (And no, flagrant lack of imaginative censorship does not make one virtuously creative either, but I am running out of steam. It is hard to think and write when I am so drugged up, and I am getting caught in digressions).

I want to talk about my dream on Friday night/Saturday morning. I got hooked into this long-winded preface because I know that there is going to be concern and misinterpretation, epecially from the people who have been concerned, misinterpreting, and unaccepting of me all along--especially of my lesbian sexuality (and I can tell that I speak with major authority on catching people's condemnation from their own repressed sexuality a lot)! But nothing is forbidden, and this dream is trying to tell me something, and a few days later, I still am interpreting it the same way.

I dreamed that my belly was a stargate for a horde of demons to enter this world. The demons, as I saw them, were real ones--see this link:

I knew that this was an authentic alien (of the demon variety) when I first saw it months ago. This was resoundingly confirmed when I got booted off, losing my unpublished post on Saturday after pasting in the above url link. Needless to say, I woke up from this nightmare screaming. Actually, I went to sleep in silent screams and severe pain. For I was being fed massive viral downloads (the purpose of which I gather, is to get me to go out of my body, and go consciously astral planing in order to interact interdimensionally). But my body does not cooperate at all, and the viral download was causing severe convulsions, and I mean serious convulsions--head, torso, arms, legs, hands, and feet. I bit my tongue twice in involuntary jaw clamping. I was seriously afraid that I was going to have a brain seizure. However, the worst convulsions and searing pains were from my belly, where the goddamned Mengelian Nazi Aryans, have severed my visceral nerves from my clitoris so that I can never again have a whole body orgasm (done in a vile, evil attempt to separate me from own sexuality, so to easier separate me from my own spirituality). They replaced my own holy and God-given nervous system in my viscera, with inorganic material and clamps, pinching off the nerves that not only inform and facilitate my sexuality, but also my "gut", my inner intuition, my feeling function, and my holy passion. Needless to say, this has had a seriously deleterious impact on me, though I am such a strong "feeler" with such deep passion and intuition that I still am human, and not an reptilian Aryan, thank God. Also, my spiritual life has been severely impeded, for it is my erotic energies that serve as the primary conduit for relationship with God. My vocation is not primarily prophetic, pedagogical, or ministerial; it is mystical, and like mystics of every religion , my living relationship with God inflames and claims my whole bodily being and reality, and very importantly my sexuality (and no, to all the Catholics out there, this does not preclude holy sex with a committed life partner).

So, how do I interpret this dream? It is clear to me that my body is resisting these viral downloads and a spinal/crown chakra activation that would propel me out of my body into another dimension. Why? I think there is a good reason. My body has more wisdom than my mind. It is trying to protect something. Is it trying to protect me from an interdimensional encounter that I don't want? In the past that would be true--while I feel a certain connection with the Aryans, I do not want to be abducted interdimensionally by them. I have suffered the most egregious and grievous bodily mutilation at their hands, and I don't trust them and I don't like them. Maybe (I hope) they are maturing out of their alienated, hateful, and abusive stance towards others (originating ultimately in their own emotionless and sex-hating, barren selves), but at this point, I would resist interdimensional contact with them with every cell in my body.

However, I have just had a highly positive contact, in my own conscious, 3D world with another alien who is of another species or race. This is not the time to go into it, but this "contactor" was kind and gentle, with a very real, and unalienated psyche and function of feeling. I would cooperate with an interdimensional contact with such a being. So why didn't I, or better yet, why doesn't my body cooperate?

Well, my best hypothesis is that, among the inorganic implants put in my viscera by the Aryans/reptiles, is something, some crystal or nano-technology, that will act as a homing beacon calling from some interdimensional hell, the demon hordes, waiting to attack this world. This is why my body resists any complete chakra activation--the minute that happens, my "beautiful orgone energy" that the Aryans love so much will send out a signal, bringing those demons here to assault Earth. This is the hypothesis that sits best with me, though I cannot present it with certitude.

The other possibilities are that somewhere, my unfertilized ova await potentcy to become the "King of the Demons", but this would not explain why I resist chakra activation so much. I have no more control over what happens to my unfertilized ova. As a matter of fact, I think my ovaries are gone.

It could also refer to my lost sexuality, destroyed by neurological mutilation. However, I have suffered from, and grieved over this for over two months now, and I can assure everyone I have lost neither sexual desire nor my spiritual conviction.

No, the terrible pain I experienced in my gut as my body was convulsing as the energy discharge was taking place leads me to place the first hypothesis as the most likely. This is bad news for me, because I suffer terribly from this energy stagnating in my body, especially in my upper back, since the PIB's removed a set of ribs (did you ever think motherfuckers that I needed that set of ribs to help carry a body that was designed for and developed with it? I'm so miserable in my own body, having lost space in an already compacted body, and ability to move my arms and shoulders...). But the bottom line is that I trust my body. I don't even do it consciously.

I'm pooped out. Writing is no longer the flowing energetic joy it once was. It's hard work and I struggle to come up with words that, when I am healthy and drug-free, flow naturally. Over now anyway

Demons from hell

Check out the following video to see literal and "demons from hell (or maybe out there from some unknown dimension)."

This was a link that I had just posted while typing up a blog entry two days ago when my little wi-fi netbook was hijacked by the spooks who monitor all my web activity, and my entire post was deleted before I could post or copy to clipboard (I got a little error message, out of nowhere, "do you want to navigate from this page, and poof, everything disappeared). I was upset about that mishap, because I don't feel too well these days, low-energy, lethargic and sometimes downright sick, and a significant chunk of time and good writing was lost. The library was getting ready to close, my back hurt, and I wanted to drive to the pharmacy to pick up some flexiril in hopes of easing my back pain, so I just let it go. It bugs the hell out of me when I feel like shit, still can produce some decent writing, and then have it lost, but I was venturing into risky territory, trying to explore a dream, or rather a nightmare, from the night before, and kinda felt that maybe the loss was a sign to ponder it a little further. I know so much in my head, but I have been so very sick that, despite my desire to spill it ALL out, in either writing or verbal communication, the information only spills out in dribs and drabs when the inspiration of the Holy Spirit pressures me to action.
I feel a little better. As per my previous post, I think the MRI revealed the source of so much of my illness--I can't remember the real name now--sinubilbunen?. Actually, it is fluid-filled cavities in the canal of the spine, and what it does is cause too much cerebral spinal fluid on the brainstem, so that for the past few years, I have been walking around with the equivalent of a brainstem tumor, and all the neurological mischief that creates. Funny thing, all along I "knew" it. Whenever I was barely able to function in reality, I would tell people that I suffered from a medical condition of "too much cerebral spinal fluid in my brain." Every goddamned time the viral download started, whether through a human being zapping me with a frequency, or now through implants put in me during surgery,it caused the spinal central canal to bulge with csf and put strangling pressure on my brainstem. I could become furious that it took so long for the goddamned so-called "doctors" (especially the Nazi Aryans who have experimented on me), but fury would be an emotion, and I have no emotions. For even though, the severe "autism" symptoms are gone, still I am on some kind of psychotropic drugs that has me going through life half dead. I don't know what it is. I don't care. I know that it was done in respone to an attempt to curtail my own self-healing through imagination. I haven't felt well, either physically, emotionally, or psychologically for the last few days, and when I woke up this morning, feeling like shit, I told myself, do what you do to heal yourself, "Imagine a time when you felt better." Imagination gives me energy, especially when I am sick, but it infuriates the PIB's, and so they amped the dosage of psychotropics. Running out of time....

Saturday, October 16, 2010

entry from 10/14...just to get an idea of my misery...

Same old shit. Had an MRI yesterday. A long one. I think I know what the md's found--"syringobulbin". Fluid filled cavities along the canal of the spinal cord which can affect brain stem. Should I be jmping for joy? Deep down inside I no longer care. My body doesnt belong to me. My life doesnt belong to me. I have lost all energy all joy, all enthusiasm and ambition. I am a slave of the Aryans who are able to manipulate the karmic evil spirit in me, and act as an adversary so that I betray my own deepest needs and self-identity. I think the evil spirit is actually the cultural one that afflicts them--the one that has robbed them of their sexuality, their feeling function and their humanness. Certainly that is what they have robbed from me.
My mind is a little clearer but i still am very autistic. getting harder and harder to walk. my legs, at the thigh joint, keep giving out on me. but nothing helps the complete loss of energy i now suffer. I try so hard to keep my kitchen maintained so I dont have to do what I did last week--pay someone to clean it, but already its creeping up. just have no energy for anything. too low eergy to do laundry. went to library today for a couple of hours of surfing but brain is not functioning. lethargic and dont care attitude. too sick to care about my body. too sick to work out. too sick to want to live. its been so long since i have felt well, like a human being. I know im drugged on something. goddamned aryan doctors will run thru their torture routine one more time thinking that there is some kind of drug that is going to make me a celibate psychotic emotional zombie like them. they dont get it. never had. when they destroyed my sexuality, they severely crippled my spirituality. all tapped out. nothing to give. no one, no thing is feeding, inspiring or supporting me--everyone just wants their own projected sugar teat. too sick togo into it. been here before. maybe someday will be healthy enough to better exaplain, now all I can do is pray for deeath. still in severe pain, especially leg nerve pain. goddamned mother fuckers took my mineral supplements--expensive stuff too, but I took it becaus it was the only thing that had any impact on the nerve pain. too much pain. too much depression tonite, going to take vicodin, goto sleep, drag thru life until i die, pray its sooner than later.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

October 13

October 13th--day of infamy when the Knights Templar were rounded up, incarcerated, tortured to death, and disbanded forever. Except that they survived and flourished, still existing today. Who are they, what are they, and what is their agenda--a lot of questions there. But at this point, I don't equate them with evil or holiness, though they do seem to be of an apostate lineage of Christianity. But, following a Lord who was tortured to death, I deplore their agonizing fates, no matter what their status regarding innocence or guilt for heresy or financial impropriety. I don't stress so much over what people profess to believe; I look at the works of their hands, so the jury is still out on the Templars. Maybe they are like the more orthodox Christians--divided into the subtle, but conflicting camps of the holy and ardent believers who desire to do good and serve humanity, and those for whom religion is nothing but a tool for mind control and gain of power.
Anyway, it's interesting to see the Chilean mining charade played out with the 33 (freemasonry symbols) miners rescued on the most important date in the Templar calendar. It was another Illuminati experiment, of course, designed to gauge how well humans could survive in near complete isolation in deep underground security bases. It kind of angers me to see the Chilean president do his best George Bush 9/11 imitation, camera hogging, and claiming leadership for the resolution to a tragedy that he was privy to and complicit with the entire time. But there's other issues claiming my attention.

I'm supposed today, and when I saw the date, I freaked out, wondering what newest torture the aliens can devise to torment my mutilated body and future even more. I thought about skipping it, but then I realized that deep down I don't care about my life or my future anymore. It's literally not worth living, and I would much rather suffer and die in sacrifice than suffer and live in these pain-wracked, tortured body of mine. For I am in terrible pain. The fuckers really messed up the base of my spine when they castrated me. It is as if my spine is ungrounded and is moving around, so that any kind of physical exercise leads to physical agony as every muscle in my back feels disjointed. I am suffering from blocked meridians all over my back so that I literally cannot clasp my hands in front of me without going into spontaneous "shaking" as the trapped energy tries to get out. I can't even clean myself after peeing, my upper back is so locked up. I am truly miserable in this body. I feel like I lost a lot of space and everything is crammed and jammed into something else so that I have noease of movement or flow. My back is so messed up that I can't even type this laying on my back. My arms cannot be held out straight. I have to lie on my stomach, arms akimbo, to type. More than anything else, I want to feel healthy and strong again, but I literally cannot exercise. Any kind of exertion leads to the near fainting swoon of the androgen poisoning my central nervous system. As a matter of fact, I think that is why my back is so jacked up--my muscles all spasm trying to avoid the viral download release because it is pure poison to my neurological cells, and they get all disjointed. For years I kept the back in decent shape with regular yoga, which enabled the muscles to healthily realign. But I am too sick now to do even a restorative yoga. The body cannot bear any sort of energy push at all. I'm tired of the constant back pain. Everytime I think my life can't get worse, it does. But my life and self-esteem is so shattered now, it doesn't matter.
Trying to come to grips with the loss of energy and the mutilated body that these Aryans have inflicted upon me. I can't. It is not my body. It is not me. There is no creativity, no joy. I can't even sing. I saw the Beatles singing Help and went to sing along, and out came a pathetic, timbreless bleating that didn't even belong to me. I realize that I no longer appreciate music. I nolonger can feel. I guess that is why I dont care what the Aryans do to me next. I can no longer muster outrage that my body doesn't belong to me, but to Mengelian slavemasters, who have completelyu destroyed my entire sense of self. They think that I am sooner or later, going to become the celibate saint that their soulless, monstrous selves so desperatley long to create. They just don't get it. When they destroyed my nerves connected to my clitoris, they destroyed my capacity for erotic love. I suppose there is a kind of sanctity bestowed on people like Stephen Hawking, but for me, having had erotic love experiences of God, I know that is an absolute prerequisite for mystical communion. The Aryans know nothing of God, nothing of erotic love, spirituality or mysticism. When they destroyed my sexuality, they castrated my spirituality. I don't think they care. I think they have a whole mythology written and holographed about me, that has absolutely no bearing to reality. Same old shit that Lucifer has been pulling for years.
They have never listened to me. I may be a sexless eunuch, but I am not celibate. At one point, on fire to prove my love to God and serve humanity, I tried to be celibate. I was rejected by religious communities who did not see the capacity for vocation and living out the celibate life. They were right on, but instead of telling it to me like a human being, they spent the next dozen years making my life sheer hell to confvorm to their expectations. Let me say it again: I AM NOT CELIBATE. I dont know if I will ever have even a small measure of happiness again, but if I do, there is no doubt in my mind that it is because a gentle, healing woman will love me back to my original self--happy, joyful, and full of music and song. But after years of living thru the worst case scenarios, I have to say that will probably never happen. But as long as I live I will try to serve God; I just know that for me celibacy and ministry are no longer something to which I even aspire. Wonder what the Aryan pigs have got up their sleeves this time. I hurt so bad. I am so miserable in this jackd up body. End my life God.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Some entries that didn't post in September...

Some entries that didn't post in September...
I don't know how much longer I will be able to post. I am forcing myself to go to the library and try to stay on top of things, but life is becoming so hard. Woke up so sick and physically discombobulated that I felt as if a medical student had taken apart every bone and muscle in my body and then tried to put it back together again, not very successfully. I cannot stand straight, my body is completely fucked up. Better than mind I guess. So autistic on drive here, that I could not look at stripes on the road or weeds in the median. Last nite I realized that not only my right eye was severely pressured by excessw fluid, but even my left eye, which the surgery had done so well with. Not surprised. Can't believe the swelling in my face. but i know from sick headaches, nausea, inability to bear stimuli that there is way too much pressure on brain. dont know what is causing the depression--feeling of sickness from too much fluid. or maybe psychotropics. all i know is that i dont care anumore aout being raped or being killed. I want my life over. OVER. so much suffering for so many years. too damned sick to fight it anymore in a body that doesnt ben belong to me. too sick to make any creative connection. hope all is well with the world. Pray to God for death.

Sept 18
Torture. Only word for the hell ive experienced at hands of aryans. So sick today, so very awful goddamned sick, agony cannot be imagined. My stomach is totally blocked and undigesting. I ate toast with roast beef for breakfast but it made me sick and nauseaus like light supper last nite. Belly completely shut down. I realize my whole belly is dead zone but worst is the stomach which is in such terrible pain. Since the toast I have tried to it two almolds a couple of times to see if stomach could accept any food. Cant. Made me nauseaus severely. Worst goddamned headache. Inabilty to fucntion. Trying to eat tiny bites of banana. Jaws are so locked with whatever drug they are on, can barely open mouth, very difficult to chew Abanana. Worried abut dehydratoin . drank about a pint of water today in small sips. Every time I take a swallow, I get sick, nauseaus and gassy. How can I have gas on an empty stomach? All for what-so the focking goddamned aryan pigs get their saint for the mind control religion they wish to foist on humanity and another human cpu for their overlords ships and time travel. Over and over agin I try to tell people what is up. Right now too sick to do anything but document my torture. Someday God I have to be free of this hell and the blonde boys who patrol it. Death would be so welcome. As it is I have to tyr to sleep with goddamned berain rushes . took a tylenol pm. Hope belly can digest it. Just want to sleep and die. One thing I know for sure-ending up in aryan dimension will lead to nothing but physical rape and even more degrading slavery. Wish for death. Wish for death. Goin to try to go to sleep listening to jimmy buffett, a man who knew how to enjoy life and fantasize about making love to a beautiful woman (I know my lesbianism drives the soulless aryan pigs crazy. They despise all love and sexuality. They just want to suction off all the energy that is generated by the love. Tough. Unlike the aryans I know what holiness and love is about, and celibacy has nothing to do with fullness of life as Jesus lived it or as I live it, and it is only the memory of being loved and the hope of loving a partner again that keeps me alive, and makes me open to the love that I see around me, leading to healing.

Sept 19-risperdol, I think. Got the sick headaches, the unable to keep eyes open, bear any stimuli thing going on. Got the muscle locks and spasms. Back and hips hurt so bad, but worse is my jaw joints. They are so locked I have to shove food between parted lips , cant open and close. I can eat again. Stomach still hurts a lot, but it is no longer completely closed off. Severe emotional and pshyusical agony. I lay down in fantasy world, more real and accessible than real one which is full of pain, agony, and muscle cramps. My legs are having a lot of nerve pain from the implants. EVERYTHING HURTS. Wanted to take a shower and change clothes for first time in three days. But as soon as I stood up, I knew taking shower impossible. Body is too heavy to hold itself up. Too hard to hold back up in chair anymore. Bye. How long this agony God. Someone please break my legs…..i already cant walk don’t need them anymore. Oh, forgot. Suffering from same brain rushes and anxiety attacks. Think they r anxiety attacks. Become breathless. But then all physical exertion makes me breathless. Climing basement stairs had me so winded as if I had just done hundred yard dash. Too sick to care about everything. Want to take shower but too sick.

Realized goddamned dr mengele did major surgery during my nightly abduction a couple nites ago-I think they literally removed a set of ribs. I had told dale that the stupidass nazi frankenstein doctors did all kinds of horrific medical experimentation and torture on me without even bothering to investigate the basics-like vitamin deficiencies? Like hormonal irregularities? Like extra organs appropriate to a chromosomal XY male? Like an XY male skeletal structure? I don’t know why I say this XXXX because they just turn and use it against me. I definitely had major surgery. Left my stomach all fuccked upp and closed off. Now I am just sore and sick everywhere. I think they removed it from upper body, breastbone area. I started noticing how deflated my fat-inflated boobs felt. You just don’t lose that much weight all at once. Nothing the goddamned frankenaryan drs do has a health or salutary benefit. Now I ve got to try to go sleep with massive sick headaches, and paain that literally makes me want to smash my stools thru the windows, and scream and curse at top of lungs. Tired of being treated like an experimental lab rat ( the goddamned nazis think they are homo-soulless while we homo sapiens are demi-humans). I don’t like who I am anymore. I hate my body. I hate the constant pain and suffering. I hate being a prisoner of Mengele and his goddaamn inhuman aryans. I hate going to sleep knowing that these evil spirits will abduct me and torture me again. I hate waking up in the same sick, helpless, miserable, pain-wracked body. Does this schit ever end?

September 20th-hell nite last nite. Caught a glimpse of what the nazi aryan pigs have in mind for my future. The psychotic mind, completely divorced from the body. They did major surgery a couple fo nites ago, removing something from my upper spine/chest that utterly deflated my breasts and left my bras that used to fit me well, just sagging and empty. Great. Now I have to buy new bras to fit a eunuch with man boobs. Oh congratulations great aryan creators of perfection-not only have you gifted me with 85 extra pounds-you have even defied nature’s own sad remedy of padding fat on the breasts, so that now, ARYAN MEDICAL GENIUS NEVER SLEEPS, my belly is actually fatter than my boobs!
I know the body does not interest them at all. For them it is just a vessel for the mind. In my case they want me to become an anima projection for humanity to cast their religiuos longings onto, and so body and sexuality are despised even more. What lame, immature spiritual baby or juvenile wants a holy person to be REAL? Who can project onto that? Who can project onto someone whose body is a fat, weak slug who can hardly walk or sit, who stumbles through life with eyes slitted to shut out the stimuli of reality, whose muscles are liquidifying into jello, as stretch marks develop on my atrophying muscles?

So what the fock did these assholes remove? An entire set of ribs and vertebra-right at the breastbone, or a neurological ganglia of nerves connecting heart to nervous system? For I woke up, unable to cry, physically cry. I go to cry in the pain and loss and neverending abuse and sadistic torture inflicted on my body, but I feel the emotions lock up in my belly and in my heart chakra area. I can’t cry. My eyes wet, but no tears fall. The emotional pain is locked, stuffed and repressed within the locked chakras now in place in my belly and my heart area. So I cant get emotional release by crying. Like an abused child who learns to quit crying when there is no response, I wonder how long I will keep trying to cry when I can get no somatic release and relief? Soon I guess I will be a sadistic monster like aryans, despising all the pathetic apes who actually feel emotion, and so proud of myself to turn them into a unfeeling lump of flesh whose own body imitates their mind, hearts and soul, and are utterly barren and incapable of any creativity whatsoever. Except of course, the creativity involved in the destruction of a person of creativity and love.

I am also having trouble breathing. At first I thought I was having anxiety attacks, but now I think the anxiety is the result of not being able to breathe. It is because my whole musculo-skeletal and thoracic nervous system has been dicked with. Hard not to be ble to breathe.

I have decided I am not going to fight anymore. Ia m not going to try anymore. I don’t care anymore. I am a slave and I will live a slave’s life. I cannot stop the torture. I cannot escape it. But I will never cooperate with my tormentors. Even if they succeed in forcing a psychotic mind (a mind that is separated and alienated from the body and emotions) on me. I see no end, no future, no hope. In the meantime I have to try to move, to fucntion, to clean house to exercise no matter how awful I feel. And I feel pretty bad. And the worst of it is I cant even cry it out.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Struggling to live

Struggling to live as sick as I am. I have neither energy nor drive, but spend most of my days trying to get up and do small chores, like taking a shower, and changing clothes from yesterday. Everything is so hard, every movement, every action feels like I am moving at 22,000 feet. Very angry and depressed, but feeling that I can do nothing about it, until I escape the Aryans, and their fascist religious minions--the Jesuits and Opus Dei, and find a doctor to give massive shots of testosterone. For there is no doubt in my mind that, apart from the psychotropic drugging and nano-injections in my brain, the absolute most detrimental element in my poor health is the lack of testosterone. My body is not getting the fuel it needs to run well in the metabolic engines that are found in every XY cell of my body, a beautiful hermaphroditic body that was designed by God to be special and uniquely awesome, and now is pathetically mutilated and broken. Not to mention the chronic back pain that I now suffer--in my upper back, as well as the post-castration pain in my tailbone from which I had never before suffered.
I don't think that I am likely to escape the until I am ritualistically raped in an interdimensional Satanic rite, presided over by one of the highest ranking satanic hierarchs on Earth, Josef Ratzinger. I am resigned to the fact that I can do nothing about it, just as I can do nothing about the nightly abductions, torture, and mutilating surgeries that I endure. Maybe it is the only way to go through to the other side--I have been violated, sold out, abused, and abandoned by nearly every single person and community aggregate, that I have approached for help and interpersonal support, and as a Christian, I believe that atonement of sin involves the sacrifical suffering by an innocent party. That would be me.
But while I may accept such fate with a fatalistic resignation, I know that there is no way to trust the major players who so far, have intervened in my life--they are not willing to accept me as a daughter of God, gifted with free will, free choice of self-determination, and a person to be embraced in communication, instead of a one-way violation of my psyche through a non-consensual telepathic invasion (I'm always amazed at the hate stares I get from men (always men, not women), who are not man enough to come to my aid in even the most innocent or superficial of gesture or word, but instead spend hours underneath my psychic porch trying to get a cheap peek into my mind.
This has been going on for years, starting with the men of the Spiritual Life Institute. They were not psychics; instead they rejected me to my face, and then behind my back, without my consent, violated me with webcams and audio spy recordings, spying and listening in on my most intimate moments, including the channelling that goes on in my sleep. I left the SLI and their fellow patriarchal Catholic hierarchy years ago, but not before they sold me out to Maurice Strong (a close acquaintance and patron) in an attempt to keep me under their control, rather than allow me to have a good job position and lesbian sexual relationship. Yesterday, I told Dale that Boston was an Aryan stronghold, and while I think that is true, the epicenter that I was really struggling to remember was New Bedford, a UFO hotspot in southern MA. Interesting thing about New Bedford is its proximity to Providence, RI, the home and power base of the SLI Abbot, Wm McNamara. McNamara, no doubt was very tight with the alien dealing and dialoging Jesuits of New England, Boston College, being the regional flagship No doubt he is responsible, thru the Jesuits/Opus Dei for selling me out to the Aryans, with their misguided, barren (they literally cannot reproduce) spirituality. So much in consonance with the misguided, barren spirituality of celibate patriarchal religion. I am a total misfit in such a scheme. All I can do is suffer in such a setup.

Monday, October 4, 2010


FUCKING PIGS NOT ONLY SUERGICALLY EDITING MY BODY to meet their aryan standards of perfection, but also they are editing my posts. I recognize this but find it difficult to do anything when I am so sick. And God in Heaven, I am so very sick, I don't know how I get up and move. Every muscle and joint in my body aches. My back is wracked in severe pain, not just the lower back pain, which started once they castrated me, but now the upper back,, where they cut out an entire set of ribs and over half of my breast. Severely autistic, finding it difficult to drive or listen to any noise of any kind. House hasn't been cleaned in over a week. I am very close to calling a service to come and clean my kitchen for I am too sick to do my dishes. I wish I could explain, detail, relate the depth of the pain and suffering I experience--not just the horrendous physical torture that has me praying for death
, but also the emotional torture caused by people who should know better, the same Christians who sold me out to the powers of evil every step of the way, and continue to sell me out thinking that the abuse and loneliness is helping to create a great saint, as abusively and destructively misguided as the aryans who think they too, are creating the great saint, by destroying first of all my manhood that was my inner strength, and now my womanhood, which was the social life and mask that enabled me to function in society. Im too sick to go into it. It doesnt matter. I was listening to a very smart alternative healer on the RMN radio, and was exploring her thoughts, when I remembered, no matter what I do to heal myself, my torturers will just turn it against me. Nothing I can do but endure. Hard to endure when I feel so bad, I just want to sleep forever, and wake up painfree and drug free from all the goddamned psychotropic drugs these fucking pigs are destroying my body and brain with. Been a bad day, but I have to stay on top of the news. So much happening, i cant process it all--esp as sick as i am, but I have to trust God will let me know to reveal anything that might be up.
and if i dont, it is just because I am too fucking sick. time to leave and drive home so messed up should nt be driving.,

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Interdimensional cutting still going on

Interdimensional cutting still going on--I woke up this morning having lost half of my chest. This is on top of the Aryan surgery done two weeks ago that halved my breasts. I can still see the laser marks where dr Mengele chopped out muscle from my chest last night; he wasn't satisfied that he already took out a set of ribs and half my breasts . Needless to say he didn't do a damned thing about the breast fat that now wraps clear around to my armpits now that his breasts (they aren't mine anymore--I just want them cut out, excised, gone forever--just take your laser and cut out all of the man-boobs you have created for me, you Nazi prick) no longer fit on my body the way that God designed them to, naturally. The evil aliens also went in and did more cutting at the base of my spine, leaving me once more in terrible back pain. I can't be sure but I'm wondering if a growth there was regenerating, not because my sense of "manhood" needs it there, but because, again, that is the way that God the Creator designed my body, and without it, the spine presses up against nerves causing terrible back and nerve pain that I have suffered with for the last two days. Because the back gets out of alignment, everything goes to hell. I am in severe pain right now, and even though I would like to spend more time writing, I am getting a sick migraine headache caused by the back pain. (Oh did, I forget to congreatulate you pig Dr. Mengele, that I now suffer from severe back pain in my upper back which I never did before?).
All I know is that I look even worse and more freakish than I did even yesterday, with my clothes hanging off me as if I had the double masectomy that I long for. Tin y manboobs create a freakish looking dart on the 2X teeshirts I have to wear to accomodate the fat belly caused by years of doping, and untreated Cushing's syndrome. Worse of all, the goddamned man boobs keep getting in my way, writing, driving. Cant stand to see them or touch them. every time i shower, I see dr. Mengele's face and know that my freakish body no longer belongs to me. I had to put away all the photos of me in the house. I can no longer look at my once beautiful body and compare it to the freakish reality of being a eunuch that I now am.
No need to cry over it. I just think about others who these goddamned Nazis and aliens have messed up even more--people who hate their bodies because they are reared to be sex slaves for the Nazis and reptilians. I also thank God that, as of yet, they haven't been able to destroy my mind or turn me into a psychotic Aryan as they are.
Watch this video of Alex Jones to learn of how the aliens are trying to reengineer our brains, destroying our natural receptors for emotion, our soul. I receive nano-technology injections nightly, and while I have lost a lot of my emotional joy and spontaneity, I still feel. I know this, because I was emoting with Alex at the end, hating on these evil Nazi pigs for all that they have done to me and continue to do to me. Even so, I know that my face shows the indelible suffering that I have for endured for years now. I don't know if I ever will be happy again. But I have a mission--to reveal these Aryan pigs, liars and deceivers for the satanic spawn that they are. I just have to keep healthy enough to function, and learn to operate in a hateful, eunuch body that doesn't even belong to me. Time to go home and lay down, and try to get over this back pain. This will be the last time I ever speak at length on my bodily suffering. All my words and attempts to heal myself are turned as a weapon agianst me--my body is not important. My body no longer belongs to me. I still have my mind, my will, and my spirit. I have to use what i have got, and bury what no longer exists--my once proud woman's body turned into a freakish eunuch, rip.