Sunday, October 10, 2010

Some entries that didn't post in September...

Some entries that didn't post in September...
I don't know how much longer I will be able to post. I am forcing myself to go to the library and try to stay on top of things, but life is becoming so hard. Woke up so sick and physically discombobulated that I felt as if a medical student had taken apart every bone and muscle in my body and then tried to put it back together again, not very successfully. I cannot stand straight, my body is completely fucked up. Better than mind I guess. So autistic on drive here, that I could not look at stripes on the road or weeds in the median. Last nite I realized that not only my right eye was severely pressured by excessw fluid, but even my left eye, which the surgery had done so well with. Not surprised. Can't believe the swelling in my face. but i know from sick headaches, nausea, inability to bear stimuli that there is way too much pressure on brain. dont know what is causing the depression--feeling of sickness from too much fluid. or maybe psychotropics. all i know is that i dont care anumore aout being raped or being killed. I want my life over. OVER. so much suffering for so many years. too damned sick to fight it anymore in a body that doesnt ben belong to me. too sick to make any creative connection. hope all is well with the world. Pray to God for death.




Sept 18
Torture. Only word for the hell ive experienced at hands of aryans. So sick today, so very awful goddamned sick, agony cannot be imagined. My stomach is totally blocked and undigesting. I ate toast with roast beef for breakfast but it made me sick and nauseaus like light supper last nite. Belly completely shut down. I realize my whole belly is dead zone but worst is the stomach which is in such terrible pain. Since the toast I have tried to it two almolds a couple of times to see if stomach could accept any food. Cant. Made me nauseaus severely. Worst goddamned headache. Inabilty to fucntion. Trying to eat tiny bites of banana. Jaws are so locked with whatever drug they are on, can barely open mouth, very difficult to chew Abanana. Worried abut dehydratoin . drank about a pint of water today in small sips. Every time I take a swallow, I get sick, nauseaus and gassy. How can I have gas on an empty stomach? All for what-so the focking goddamned aryan pigs get their saint for the mind control religion they wish to foist on humanity and another human cpu for their overlords ships and time travel. Over and over agin I try to tell people what is up. Right now too sick to do anything but document my torture. Someday God I have to be free of this hell and the blonde boys who patrol it. Death would be so welcome. As it is I have to tyr to sleep with goddamned berain rushes . took a tylenol pm. Hope belly can digest it. Just want to sleep and die. One thing I know for sure-ending up in aryan dimension will lead to nothing but physical rape and even more degrading slavery. Wish for death. Wish for death. Goin to try to go to sleep listening to jimmy buffett, a man who knew how to enjoy life and fantasize about making love to a beautiful woman (I know my lesbianism drives the soulless aryan pigs crazy. They despise all love and sexuality. They just want to suction off all the energy that is generated by the love. Tough. Unlike the aryans I know what holiness and love is about, and celibacy has nothing to do with fullness of life as Jesus lived it or as I live it, and it is only the memory of being loved and the hope of loving a partner again that keeps me alive, and makes me open to the love that I see around me, leading to healing.

Sept 19-risperdol, I think. Got the sick headaches, the unable to keep eyes open, bear any stimuli thing going on. Got the muscle locks and spasms. Back and hips hurt so bad, but worse is my jaw joints. They are so locked I have to shove food between parted lips , cant open and close. I can eat again. Stomach still hurts a lot, but it is no longer completely closed off. Severe emotional and pshyusical agony. I lay down in fantasy world, more real and accessible than real one which is full of pain, agony, and muscle cramps. My legs are having a lot of nerve pain from the implants. EVERYTHING HURTS. Wanted to take a shower and change clothes for first time in three days. But as soon as I stood up, I knew taking shower impossible. Body is too heavy to hold itself up. Too hard to hold back up in chair anymore. Bye. How long this agony God. Someone please break my legs…..i already cant walk don’t need them anymore. Oh, forgot. Suffering from same brain rushes and anxiety attacks. Think they r anxiety attacks. Become breathless. But then all physical exertion makes me breathless. Climing basement stairs had me so winded as if I had just done hundred yard dash. Too sick to care about everything. Want to take shower but too sick.

Realized goddamned dr mengele did major surgery during my nightly abduction a couple nites ago-I think they literally removed a set of ribs. I had told dale that the stupidass nazi frankenstein doctors did all kinds of horrific medical experimentation and torture on me without even bothering to investigate the basics-like vitamin deficiencies? Like hormonal irregularities? Like extra organs appropriate to a chromosomal XY male? Like an XY male skeletal structure? I don’t know why I say this XXXX because they just turn and use it against me. I definitely had major surgery. Left my stomach all fuccked upp and closed off. Now I am just sore and sick everywhere. I think they removed it from upper body, breastbone area. I started noticing how deflated my fat-inflated boobs felt. You just don’t lose that much weight all at once. Nothing the goddamned frankenaryan drs do has a health or salutary benefit. Now I ve got to try to go sleep with massive sick headaches, and paain that literally makes me want to smash my stools thru the windows, and scream and curse at top of lungs. Tired of being treated like an experimental lab rat ( the goddamned nazis think they are homo-soulless while we homo sapiens are demi-humans). I don’t like who I am anymore. I hate my body. I hate the constant pain and suffering. I hate being a prisoner of Mengele and his goddaamn inhuman aryans. I hate going to sleep knowing that these evil spirits will abduct me and torture me again. I hate waking up in the same sick, helpless, miserable, pain-wracked body. Does this schit ever end?

September 20th-hell nite last nite. Caught a glimpse of what the nazi aryan pigs have in mind for my future. The psychotic mind, completely divorced from the body. They did major surgery a couple fo nites ago, removing something from my upper spine/chest that utterly deflated my breasts and left my bras that used to fit me well, just sagging and empty. Great. Now I have to buy new bras to fit a eunuch with man boobs. Oh congratulations great aryan creators of perfection-not only have you gifted me with 85 extra pounds-you have even defied nature’s own sad remedy of padding fat on the breasts, so that now, ARYAN MEDICAL GENIUS NEVER SLEEPS, my belly is actually fatter than my boobs!
I know the body does not interest them at all. For them it is just a vessel for the mind. In my case they want me to become an anima projection for humanity to cast their religiuos longings onto, and so body and sexuality are despised even more. What lame, immature spiritual baby or juvenile wants a holy person to be REAL? Who can project onto that? Who can project onto someone whose body is a fat, weak slug who can hardly walk or sit, who stumbles through life with eyes slitted to shut out the stimuli of reality, whose muscles are liquidifying into jello, as stretch marks develop on my atrophying muscles?

So what the fock did these assholes remove? An entire set of ribs and vertebra-right at the breastbone, or a neurological ganglia of nerves connecting heart to nervous system? For I woke up, unable to cry, physically cry. I go to cry in the pain and loss and neverending abuse and sadistic torture inflicted on my body, but I feel the emotions lock up in my belly and in my heart chakra area. I can’t cry. My eyes wet, but no tears fall. The emotional pain is locked, stuffed and repressed within the locked chakras now in place in my belly and my heart area. So I cant get emotional release by crying. Like an abused child who learns to quit crying when there is no response, I wonder how long I will keep trying to cry when I can get no somatic release and relief? Soon I guess I will be a sadistic monster like aryans, despising all the pathetic apes who actually feel emotion, and so proud of myself to turn them into a unfeeling lump of flesh whose own body imitates their mind, hearts and soul, and are utterly barren and incapable of any creativity whatsoever. Except of course, the creativity involved in the destruction of a person of creativity and love.

I am also having trouble breathing. At first I thought I was having anxiety attacks, but now I think the anxiety is the result of not being able to breathe. It is because my whole musculo-skeletal and thoracic nervous system has been dicked with. Hard not to be ble to breathe.

I have decided I am not going to fight anymore. Ia m not going to try anymore. I don’t care anymore. I am a slave and I will live a slave’s life. I cannot stop the torture. I cannot escape it. But I will never cooperate with my tormentors. Even if they succeed in forcing a psychotic mind (a mind that is separated and alienated from the body and emotions) on me. I see no end, no future, no hope. In the meantime I have to try to move, to fucntion, to clean house to exercise no matter how awful I feel. And I feel pretty bad. And the worst of it is I cant even cry it out.

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