October 13

October 13th--day of infamy when the Knights Templar were rounded up, incarcerated, tortured to death, and disbanded forever. Except that they survived and flourished, still existing today. Who are they, what are they, and what is their agenda--a lot of questions there. But at this point, I don't equate them with evil or holiness, though they do seem to be of an apostate lineage of Christianity. But, following a Lord who was tortured to death, I deplore their agonizing fates, no matter what their status regarding innocence or guilt for heresy or financial impropriety. I don't stress so much over what people profess to believe; I look at the works of their hands, so the jury is still out on the Templars. Maybe they are like the more orthodox Christians--divided into the subtle, but conflicting camps of the holy and ardent believers who desire to do good and serve humanity, and those for whom religion is nothing but a tool for mind control and gain of power.
Anyway, it's interesting to see the Chilean mining charade played out with the 33 (freemasonry symbols) miners rescued on the most important date in the Templar calendar. It was another Illuminati experiment, of course, designed to gauge how well humans could survive in near complete isolation in deep underground security bases. It kind of angers me to see the Chilean president do his best George Bush 9/11 imitation, camera hogging, and claiming leadership for the resolution to a tragedy that he was privy to and complicit with the entire time. But there's other issues claiming my attention.

I'm supposed today, and when I saw the date, I freaked out, wondering what newest torture the aliens can devise to torment my mutilated body and future even more. I thought about skipping it, but then I realized that deep down I don't care about my life or my future anymore. It's literally not worth living, and I would much rather suffer and die in sacrifice than suffer and live in these pain-wracked, tortured body of mine. For I am in terrible pain. The fuckers really messed up the base of my spine when they castrated me. It is as if my spine is ungrounded and is moving around, so that any kind of physical exercise leads to physical agony as every muscle in my back feels disjointed. I am suffering from blocked meridians all over my back so that I literally cannot clasp my hands in front of me without going into spontaneous "shaking" as the trapped energy tries to get out. I can't even clean myself after peeing, my upper back is so locked up. I am truly miserable in this body. I feel like I lost a lot of space and everything is crammed and jammed into something else so that I have noease of movement or flow. My back is so messed up that I can't even type this laying on my back. My arms cannot be held out straight. I have to lie on my stomach, arms akimbo, to type. More than anything else, I want to feel healthy and strong again, but I literally cannot exercise. Any kind of exertion leads to the near fainting swoon of the androgen poisoning my central nervous system. As a matter of fact, I think that is why my back is so jacked up--my muscles all spasm trying to avoid the viral download release because it is pure poison to my neurological cells, and they get all disjointed. For years I kept the back in decent shape with regular yoga, which enabled the muscles to healthily realign. But I am too sick now to do even a restorative yoga. The body cannot bear any sort of energy push at all. I'm tired of the constant back pain. Everytime I think my life can't get worse, it does. But my life and self-esteem is so shattered now, it doesn't matter.
Trying to come to grips with the loss of energy and the mutilated body that these Aryans have inflicted upon me. I can't. It is not my body. It is not me. There is no creativity, no joy. I can't even sing. I saw the Beatles singing Help and went to sing along, and out came a pathetic, timbreless bleating that didn't even belong to me. I realize that I no longer appreciate music. I nolonger can feel. I guess that is why I dont care what the Aryans do to me next. I can no longer muster outrage that my body doesn't belong to me, but to Mengelian slavemasters, who have completelyu destroyed my entire sense of self. They think that I am sooner or later, going to become the celibate saint that their soulless, monstrous selves so desperatley long to create. They just don't get it. When they destroyed my nerves connected to my clitoris, they destroyed my capacity for erotic love. I suppose there is a kind of sanctity bestowed on people like Stephen Hawking, but for me, having had erotic love experiences of God, I know that is an absolute prerequisite for mystical communion. The Aryans know nothing of God, nothing of erotic love, spirituality or mysticism. When they destroyed my sexuality, they castrated my spirituality. I don't think they care. I think they have a whole mythology written and holographed about me, that has absolutely no bearing to reality. Same old shit that Lucifer has been pulling for years.
They have never listened to me. I may be a sexless eunuch, but I am not celibate. At one point, on fire to prove my love to God and serve humanity, I tried to be celibate. I was rejected by religious communities who did not see the capacity for vocation and living out the celibate life. They were right on, but instead of telling it to me like a human being, they spent the next dozen years making my life sheer hell to confvorm to their expectations. Let me say it again: I AM NOT CELIBATE. I dont know if I will ever have even a small measure of happiness again, but if I do, there is no doubt in my mind that it is because a gentle, healing woman will love me back to my original self--happy, joyful, and full of music and song. But after years of living thru the worst case scenarios, I have to say that will probably never happen. But as long as I live I will try to serve God; I just know that for me celibacy and ministry are no longer something to which I even aspire. Wonder what the Aryan pigs have got up their sleeves this time. I hurt so bad. I am so miserable in this jackd up body. End my life God.