Same old shit. Had an MRI yesterday. A long one. I think I know what the md's found--"syringobulbin". Fluid filled cavities along the canal of the spinal cord which can affect brain stem. Should I be jmping for joy? Deep down inside I no longer care. My body doesnt belong to me. My life doesnt belong to me. I have lost all energy all joy, all enthusiasm and ambition. I am a slave of the Aryans who are able to manipulate the karmic evil spirit in me, and act as an adversary so that I betray my own deepest needs and self-identity. I think the evil spirit is actually the cultural one that afflicts them--the one that has robbed them of their sexuality, their feeling function and their humanness. Certainly that is what they have robbed from me.
My mind is a little clearer but i still am very autistic. getting harder and harder to walk. my legs, at the thigh joint, keep giving out on me. but nothing helps the complete loss of energy i now suffer. I try so hard to keep my kitchen maintained so I dont have to do what I did last week--pay someone to clean it, but already its creeping up. just have no energy for anything. too low eergy to do laundry. went to library today for a couple of hours of surfing but brain is not functioning. lethargic and dont care attitude. too sick to care about my body. too sick to work out. too sick to want to live. its been so long since i have felt well, like a human being. I know im drugged on something. goddamned aryan doctors will run thru their torture routine one more time thinking that there is some kind of drug that is going to make me a celibate psychotic emotional zombie like them. they dont get it. never had. when they destroyed my sexuality, they severely crippled my spirituality. all tapped out. nothing to give. no one, no thing is feeding, inspiring or supporting me--everyone just wants their own projected sugar teat. too sick togo into it. been here before. maybe someday will be healthy enough to better exaplain, now all I can do is pray for deeath. still in severe pain, especially leg nerve pain. goddamned mother fuckers took my mineral supplements--expensive stuff too, but I took it becaus it was the only thing that had any impact on the nerve pain. too much pain. too much depression tonite, going to take vicodin, goto sleep, drag thru life until i die, pray its sooner than later.
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