I don't know how much longer I can writing. My intuition and reason (experience based upon memory of the pattern) tells me that soon I will be in jail on another bogus charge, placed there by the homophobic, misogynistic theocrats who refuse to grant me the right and freedom of individual choice and dignity. They, in their audacious moral depravity (think "Inquisition"), believe that they they have the right to charge an innocent person with what they know to be a bogus charge and send them to jail. These are sheltered priests and nuns, who don't have a clue what jail is all about, since the only incarceration they have ever experienced is in their willful locking closure of their minds so that they maintain conformity with an orthodox dogma that I believe is more soul-destroying than soul uplifting. With the election of "Pope Torquemada", they no doubt are confirmed in their beliefs and methodology ("destroy the body but 'save' the soul"). Profound Christian ideological fundamentalists that they are, they don't acknowledge the God given gift to us of FREEDOM, nor do they respect that we humans are embodied souls (my body is carrying lasting scars and chronic pain from the last time I was in jail, when I was abused while in handcuffs by a sadistic correctional officer). They don't care. They have this deluded vision that coercion will produce conversion. I can just see the Spiritual Life Instituters sitting around, discussing their plan, thinking they are going to create another John of the Cross. I can see Dave Denny guffawing with emotionally disconnected laughter, thinking he's a great wit and spiritual director when's he's just a pathetic, priestly wimp, hiding behind his clerical collar.
But their stupidity and delusion is not to be taken lightly. It is the same stupidity and delusion that is driving this entire country to a collapse of constitutional values and integrity (that is, the best of American self-identity), and even ruinous, grievous, globally destructive world war. There's very little I can do about that--I gathered that from my conversations with God while I was working to help elect Kerry (at cross purposes with the explicit design and intent of the Catholic hierarchy who think s that Bush is a more true reflection of Christianity as they know it....and sadly enough, he really is---another ideological fanatic).
It is the same stupidity and delusion that helped to destroy other homosexuals before me---especially Verlaine and Oscar Wilde. I have to admit that the first stint in jail severely undermined my creativity. To be surrounded and immersed by constant noise, intruded upon by small-minded and petty conversations and actions (and I would be hard put to tell which intrusions were more destructive--those of the inmates or the CO's), to suffer from no exercise, inadequate food and medical treatment, and pervasively mind-numbing ugliness, all combined to leave me separated from deep self and more focussed on the periphery.
I was noticing the other day that I'm having trouble writing in this journal, because I have grown unaccustomed to reflecting on my experiences. It used to be that I could write pages over every single iota of experience, but now I have difficulty even reflecting upon any experience for a journal entry---a direct result of the punitive actions taken against me for the fruit of my reflection, and a six month stint in the most uncontemplative environment I could possible imagine. Torquemada's minions of the Inquisition have done their psychological torture well--I'm editing my own thoughts and feelings now, out of fear and repulsion
I can remember my free thinking civics and history teaching us, "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink, but you can kick him in the stomach for refusing to drink." Well I don't drink from their poisoned well of lies, but I'm doubled up in pain and chronic injury from being kicked in the stomach.
Believe it or not, that was my first clue that I was going back to jail--that I was starting to feel really good about my healing process over my physical injuries. The last time I felt this good about my back---like I was really on the verge of the possibility of complete healing --the Inquisitors in their classic MO, colluded with corrupt civil authorities to throw in jail. My body is now worse than it was before, with constant pain and locking in my shoulders from where CO Bridget Perea abused me while I was handcuffed (and when I put in a grievance to her superior officer, he gave me an amused smile, that said "you really think I'm going to do something about this?"). I also have added fat on me from all the substandard food I ate. I was perpetually hungry the whole time I was there (not stomach hungry, but body hungry, when you know you are seriously malnourished--my teeth were loose in my gums by the time I got out). I figured (quite honestly) that we were on a 1200 calorie a day diet, but when all you eat is starchy, ill-prepared pasta and white bread with bologna, with pancakes for breakfast, muscle turns to fat really quick. I've gained back my muscle but I haven't been able to lose the fat.
I can imagine the hit my body is going to take when I get there--especially with my sensitive thyroid medications that has to be taken at specific times with continual dosage adjustments. (I can hear the judge now, "tell them you need your meds when you get to jail"---hysterical lol--do those judges really think you get medical attention--besides all the gratuitous pelvic exams dr. feel me up likes to give). I remember how painful the swelling was last time. This time around, I'm not even going to try to maintain my health. It didn't do a bit of good last time, so I'll try going the other way around.
So when my body started feeling like it was moving towards real healing, I knew it was time for the soul rapists to make their move. My original injury came from a young man having flashbacks of childhood rape, and I know that my back injury is related to my own childhood rape. Well the Inquisitors of the SLI and Paul DeBlassie have taken up where the cultic rapists of my childhood have left off. Rape is a matter of the soul violation through bodily physical coercion, and that is what jail is---and especially for an innocent who recognizes exactly who is framing her and why...I am tired of having my freedom stolen from me by soul eaters of the feminine who have no relationship to it, except through domination and control. I have done everything I know to make those inquisitors understand that I am not a member of their faith or tradition; they have sold out my trust and earned my undying enmity. They think they are trying to exorcise some deep anger in me (what kind of fucking idiot tries to exorcise anger through abuse?--only someone totally sheltered from reality and starting with Wm McNamara, that is exactly where the inquisitors come from and where they are). I have told them, but they don't listen or respect my own self integrity and relationship with God (who is the one who explicitly told me), that I will be healed through love, specifically the love of one woman, which they won't accept. This brings me to the real reason for the abuse I've endured at the hands of these soul raping torturers....I'm lesbian. They tell everybody that they are trying to exorcise my anger, but what they really are about is neutering my sexuality. Well they will fail. They can throw me in prison for years. They may destroy my body and they may destroy my creativity, but I will not let them take from me my sexual being and orientation. They can throw me any bone they want---oh, you want a job with the UN?--oh hell no, not as long as you are offering it. I want my freedom, and if I can't get, I will think, wait, and pray until I get it. But I want nothing more to do with the Christian religion qua religion, or institution. With Ratzinger's election, and the debacle of evangelical excess (Justice Sunday!), I see the destruction of the churches coming from within (and without, but thats any story; the church has already silenced its prophets, so I need to need to shout into a howling wilderness of indifference and self-complacency).
This has been a negative post, which is what I wanted to avoid. I want to focus on a positive alternative and vision of authentic faith--integrating spirituality and sexuality, but I have been seriously depressed for the past few days as the realization of impending incarceration, and the cascade of memories it has originated has really got me down. I don't know how much longer I have (if I keep writing names, my span of freedom could be prety short), and I have a lot of details to attend to, but I will do the best I can to continue writing.......