May 8, 2005--I dreamed last night of stopping at a gas station to fill up my car. It was an energizing feeling. That is how I feel-- energized---in some way, though I feel so frustrated and stymied over my forced celibacy. More than anything, I want the woman I love to be beside me, talking to me, and a little Sunday worship (ie, sex) would be most welcome, too. Instead, I try to meet my relationship needs via the web. I usually know who I am talking to. I sent this link to everyone on my buddy list--even those enemies who hide behind anonymity in an attempt to continue to warp-conform me to their patriarchal ideology. So Tessa, Dave, and the evil doctor---go ahead and enjoy. My writing is not for you, but I need to get it out to the people I truly love and want to see happy.
I am writing before I go to the gym. I probably should write after my return from the gym, as working out releases a lot of aggression from within me. And as sexually frustrated as I am, you had better believe there is a lot of aggression. I spent a little while playing some music this morning---the first time I had picked up the guitar in weeks. I guess my decision to be as proactive as possible regarding my straitened circumstances, has released a lot of emotional energy. I do play my dulcimer more often, but that is because it is such a feeling instrument (what do I feel?--sorry, can't divulge that information---I am not allowed to have passionate feelings unless they are approved by religionists, so I have to keep it all undercover, but they are there). I am practicing a little bit, because I am getting ready to go to a family reunion in a couple of weeks. My roommate asked me an interesting question this morning--"Was I moving back there to stay?" I can't believe that she was serious. I looked at her, and told her that there was no way I would ever move back there. I absolutely hated living in Huntington when I was a teenager, and believe me, nothing has changed. How could an "out and proud lesbian, politically conscious, and intellectually astute person like myself be happy there?" Yeah, my life has got nothing going on here for me. And maybe, just maybe the reason I can't find a job here right now is because the religionists are trying to pressure me into moving back to West Virgina (laughing out loud---I think I got it). They knowI will need to ask my mother for money there, and they will try to pressure me to move back.
NO WAY! NO WAY! NO WAY! I have been having dreams about Ohio (talking in my sleep maybe?), but I know what Ohio stands for---it stands for the the lowest benchmark in loss of political integrity this country has ever realized. We are no longer a democracy, but a dictatorship of the rich (whoever can afford to fix the election). When I dream of going to Ohio, that is symbolic of uncovering and addressing the political corruption that runs rampant. But as usual, the religionists have no depth or breadth of intellect or heart so all they can do is assume and plan literally. I don't know what is going to happen, but I know I will be homeless before I move anywhere that these people want me to move.
Don't let me lose you on this post. It's highly personal and emotional. I promise the next one will return to intellectual objectivity. I just had to let go with this, when I realized that people who genuinely love me are afraid I might move to West Virginia. Talk to you, later....
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