Sunday, November 30, 2008

Very sick with drugs

Very sick with drugs--dont even know if they are spsychotropic. I think they are designed just to make me sick. TPTB are desperate, but so am I --with a head that floats, nausea, muscle spasms and entire body tics, even in the middle of the nite, and inflammation, causing pain. Too autistic to keep eyes open. So depressed at my predicament, but determined to die a human rahter than live as one of their goddamned celibate fundamentalist perverts or satanic sellouts. Hard to be human, God. Go to bed try to feel better.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Completely unfuctional

Completely unfuctional--hurt so fucking bad. My head just floats. when it doesnt have a headache. Im so messed up on drugs Im not in reality. Everthing hurts. Too sick to care.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Brain rushes as I zombie about

Brain rushes as I zombie about..Supposed to be Thanksgiving but for me, life is just a hellish existence of physical pain, emotional numbness, and a zombie like (sure dont feel good), stumbling high. Too druggd to do anythin. I look at my instruments--cant remember the last time I was human enough to play them.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

No access to soul with the kind of headache

No access to soul with the kind of headache the psychotropic poison is putting in me--what is it this time--lithium with a twist???? The cynical hateful part of me is so used to the goddamned torture that by now part of me just laughs. But most of me is suffering IMMENSELY. The pressure of csf in my brain is causing me to go out of myt mind with pain. Wont be long until i am compoletely incapacitated. Too sick to do even small, minor, routine things. And all because my mind "moves too fast." No, I see thru that lie quite clearly. It is Opus Dei and their atheist secular counterparts pulling control moves. Which equals SUFFERING. Go to bed hating life. Wake up hating life. Unable to concentrate or care about anything.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008


Recovering from a severe migraine caused by the psychotropic poison I was force fed. It just got worse and worse until I finally a Phenergan suppository made life bearable--if you can call what I live a bearable life. I wake up every morning drugged and high, and I go to sleep every night drugged and high. I have the body of a 70 year old woman, finding it difficult to walk, lift my arms, and get up and get motivated to do anything. God, I had no idea that my life was going to end in such constant, sheer, lonely misery. I can keep going back to where I went wrong (getting involved with the great mind and spirit rapists of the SLI and by extension their cronies and patrons), but it doesn't change anything. I am utterly bereft of any hope. I cannot see that I will ever being a free woman ever again. But I have to keep pushing on--suicide is not an option for me, though all I do is pray for death.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Severely depressed

Severely depressed after a couple of days of being massively drugged on psychotropics (risperdol again, I think). Now it is just the speed and maybe something else--my head is floating once again with excess cerebral spinal fluid. I am having a hard time moving as I am too sick and listless with speed to have any energy. But most of all is the crushing despair and hopelessness that I am never going to be a free person again--free to love, free to laugh to exercise, to read, to pray--in short all the things that make MY life worth living. I have been "tagged" and "claimed" by Opus Dei, secular puppet masters and intelligence agencies, and I cannot escape. I will do what I am told to do when they decide to tell me to do it, and if I do not comply, or when I am no longer useful to their purposes, I will be killed, or thrust in the 21st century American gulag--the psychiatric hospital (the damned Communists were good for a trick or two, weren't they?). In the meantime, I am a slave whose life is hell, and it is getting harder and harder to keep going. I no longer have access to my spiritual life to try to get me through their day. Their satanic, evil implants have made sure of that. I try to keep going, but everything is so hard. My house is a mess, and it is so damned hard to do anything about it. I have no strength, no energy, no desire to persevere. Once again, I plead God, please, for death. I dont want to be here, and I have no desire to play any future role in this world whatsoever. Maybe it is the poison from the Risperdol detoxing that is talking. I don't feel good at all. Got to keep trying.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

How long is this hell going to continue?

How long is this hell going to continue? Miserable and severely depressed during the day, at night, when the force feeding begins is the worst. Fucking goddamned headaches, inability to read or even see (what the fuck are these assholes doing to my eyes?), severely autistic to the point that I cant watch TV or surf the Internet because I cant stand to see faces. And the goddamned excess cerebral spinal fluid in my brain that drives me crazy with pain and pressure.
Did yoga today, but yoga is no longer fun, or energizing. Instead, I fight to get through the hour and half, with deadened body and brain. Still it was better than what I am enduring now when I want to hit the goddamned motherfuckers who are responsible for doing this to me. Maybe I will settle on the stupid ass gray haired Christian who is stalking me in gym class. Maybe I will tell him what I really think--so tongue in cheek of course. After Prop 8 failure, I feel the desire to become more radical, angrily radical. Angry because fucked up on psychotropic drugs against my will, I am in constant pain, I cannot live my life the way I want. FUCK YOU do you like that for "results" from your goddamned poison. Too sick to care. Dumbass motherfuckers have added speed to their poison. In their insufferable stupidity, they think that makes their poison turn me into their good little girl Catholic who does what she is told, and stays celibate so her queer ass don't offend the faithful...well guess what, faithful...get offended. I'm here, I'm queer, get used to it. As long as I have your sick perverted evil asses destroying my life and mocking my free will, I aint got shit to say to you except leave me the fuck alone. I Got to go to bed, and hope that I dont wake up at 3 am, so sick that I cant bear it, and take another Fiornal to deal with the goddamned pain and nausea.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Severe migraines and autism afflicting me

11/12/08—Severe migraines and autism afflicting me—the result of whatever drug I am being force fed now. I am pissed as hell too because it is causing me to gain major weight. I am now 205 pounds. When I weighed myself on Saturday I was 199 pounds, which is despicable enough, and all caused by the same despicable perverts who drug me now and have drugged me for the last three years. They have no remorse or concern. I am their thing, their slave, and as long as I assert my free will and choice, they will hammer me with pain, agony and suffering until I acqueiscese to their demands of conformity. NEVER NEVER NEVER YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES. KEEP YOUR GODDAMN FASCIST CHRISTIAN LIVES AND EXPECTATIONS FAR FROM ME!

That being said, I am in a world of hurt. I have a sick migraine right now, and I already took a second fiornal about three in the morning. It is the third day in a row that I have had to take a second fiornal. So far, it works, dulling the edge of the pain and nausea, but I am afraid to become addicted or desensitized to it, so mostly I suffer. I understand too, now, why I have been so sick that I cant even watch TV. When I am severely autistic, I cant stand any stimuli at all. Seeing the images on TV makes me sicker and overwhelms me. Last night after some fucking Christian perverted Nazi sprayed me again with the drug, I was so sick that I had to keep talking to myself to force my eyes open—I literally did not want to take the stimuli in from the road. Too overwhelming. Now I am keeping my eyes shut because I cannot stand to see letters form on a page. I especially cannot stand to see any faces showing emotion on a web page as I open a browser. My autistic brain absolutely cannot handle the sight of a face with emotions. I also am suffering from severe depression, but how much of that is caused by just being constantly sick wand in pain with migraines, I don’t know. I recognize tho, the depression is all drug related, so I wont act onit. Just got to suffer it.
I thank God I am unemployed. There is no way I could work as fucked up as I am right now. The only thing that I have to do is survive this latest onslaught from hell, and agonize over how many extra pounds my fucking torturers are going to permanently add to my body weight this time. Torture me asshoiles. Go ahead. I want you to know how much I hate you, despise you, and will never ever have anything to do with you. Stay the fuck away from me, you fake, sex hating Christians. Go indulge your perverted sense of religion somewhere else.