Saturday, March 27, 2010

several posts

March 26, 2010

Drugged up to the point that I can barely function mentally. So full of rage just want to throw things. No focking energy. Getting up and moving so focking hard. Keep looking at messy house overflowing laundry. Cant get outy of my focking head. No physical energy whatsoever. Sitting on toilet I shut my eyes too much effor t to process stimuli. . Eyes shut now….. Just want to be a human being again. These goddamned assholes want me to communicate with interdimensional reality (yeh, I know what you did last night—you might as well stop paying my youthful neighbor to leave everytime you pull your electromagnetic XXXX, but then again, maybe not, because no human being should have to suffer what I have to suffer for over 90% of my life). Well guess what—I will communicate interdimensionally when I CHOOSE to. Tell homey from last nite I don’t play music unless I want to. I AM A FREE PERSON, and I insist on being treated as a free woman, not being drugged, chipped, implanted, and manipulated like a goddamned lab animal. If you want to (yes, you, WLR), snoop into my computer and use top-secret technology to intercept and decode the 0’s and 1’s so that you can pass it on to the highest levels of the Cabinet as actionable intelligence, you go right ahead. You want me to pretend that I don’t know what your (and the other races expectations) of me, alright play your stupidass little games that keep me in physical pain, in poverty, lonely, isolated (oh, but isn’t that the way of great religious saints—HELL NO!), but I won’t cooperate. I need help, real help, real support, real emotional connection. I am not some focking plaster of paris saint that the heretical institutional church sets up to venerate as their “saints”. I am a real person, goddamn it, with real needs, and right now I need to be clear of these goddamned drugs which steal all of my energy and spasm my muscles so bad that I can’t walk upright. In the meantime, you want to play the stupid “We know better than you” bullcrap, I invite you to confer with the morons of the Spiritual Life Institute, and ask them how well that kind of patriarchal control play works on a truly free person. So yeh, I’m not free because the goddamned drugs hem me in on every side and focking suck all the life, vitality and energy out of me, but I am free enough to withhold my cooperation, and consider it withheld until I get my body and my free will back.

No change right now—just greater realization of what is goin on. Severe headache. I realize how victimized I am by these occultic evil masons. I see that someone is trying to get ratzinger. I saw one of his minions, fr. Murphy on tv—another satanist. I realize now that malachi martin was so close to understanding what was going on. Ratz had all pedophile cases refered to him as inquisitor—why? So he could protect the satanists, like he did murphy, while the pathetic pedophile freelancers—of which there are quite a few—hung high. Well, I am glad that the evil somewhere is receiving justice but not the people who push the brain downloads in my brain. I realize how my poor body is giving out—more and more I feel like I have diabetes and I don’t know if I am ever going to get my pelvic girdle normal. So sick that I cant exercise . but the worst of all right now is the goddamned headache. All so I can channel for these sick sons of bitches. Gonna be a bad nite—all I can do is ask for God to protect me. Nothing I can do about my body. How much suffering can I endure? Am I fated to live out the rest of my life imprisoned in pain and suffering by these goddamned satanic implants?

Fighting so hard to get up and do little tasks--so enervated by drugs. I guess that beats going out of my mind with pain which is the other alternative--which crescendos when the implant downloads peak.
I am very worried about certain long term changes--my musculo-skeletal system is so spasmed that I can't keep my legs straight or reach out with my arms. Also, for the second day in a row I noticed that I could not understand a Spanish speaker. I don't consider myself fluent in Spanish, but I can understand and communicate pretty decently, but the last two times someone has spoken to me in Spanish, I couldn't understand AT ALL. It's as though I can't enter the state of mind that I need to enter in order for the brain to be receptive to a foreign language. I hope this is not a long term thing, but I suspect these implants (and drugs) are attempting to increase my right brain ability (imagination), at the expense of the left brain (logic and language). But by my (autistic), nature, I already am overwhelmingly right brain. What I have had to do is really work at left brain utility, but now these implants are totally undermining my ability to function in reality. Nothing I can do.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

several posts ending with 3.24

Later…not feeling better, just more deeply drugged. I realize it has been over a week since I last worked out and couldn’t even work out for the full session last time I went. Now my body is wrecked with the chemical caused muscle spasms of last night. I can move a few incehes at a time, but my entire right leg and hip are now out of joint. I just discovered that I literally cannot rotate my arm with the palm up. Of course it doesn’t matter to the Grand Inquisitors. They still are trying to get me to some unnatural state of being—whether it be in the holographic world of our would-be slavers or the pietistic state of utter sterility that the Jesuit/opus dei crowd venerates as holiness. They don’t know what holiness is. Well let me tell you, assholes. Holiness is persevering in the state in which one is true, to self and true to God, and true to reality, even when it means being drugged and tortured and muscle-wracked. Nothing great I am doing—only being true to myself, humanity, and God, of which my tormentors know nothing, except by secondhand hearsay. They are correct about one thing tho—thanks to their goddamned drugs I am closer to the psychosis—I am not in reality at all. Only one problem you sorry assed fockers—I am a mystic, truth to me is oppenness to reality. Anything that happens in this psychotic haze and pain is of the devil and my spirit knows it, and my spirit cannot be drugged. When will you realize that you lost me years ago—that when you failed to honor my free will, that you revealed yourselves to be children of Satan. It is you who are the true prisoners of this planet. You can kill me, destroy my health and body, but you cannot change or control my spirit. It will be in sadness, but in knowledgeable experience, that I, along with God’s holy angels and true saints, will stand in judgement against you. May God preserve any human being from suffering the undeserved hell that you have unleashed upon me. Run and hide, fockers, judgment is coming….
Neverending motherXXXXing pain. Muscles so spasemed and locked I cant walk upright. Try so hard to walk but I cant walk more than a couple of hundred yards before muscle spasms make it impossible to move. Even at my best, I am walkinmg like rain man. Legs cant bend. Muscles in glutes frozen but getting bigger and bigger as I cannot walk with my back or stomach muscles. Getting fatter and fatter. Way too much pain and muscle spasm to work out. Hurt so bad. Do these assholes have any idea how much I hate them for the pain they cause me. I don’t think it msatters to them. They live in another world. But I live in physical one. Not very well. God please help me survive this hell.

March 23, 2010
I’m listening to a pretty smart guy, a Dr. Amen, talk aabout the brain and losing weight. I appreciate what the guy is saying but I know that unlike Dr Amen and his audience, I literally have no control over my own body. I am enslaved by satanic freemasons via implants and drugs, and even while watching the show I could not get to my feet, could not stay on my feet, hobbled in pain to walk, while my brain is back in brain stem strangulation/brain tumor mode. In addition my legs and arms are starting to cramp up, even while at rest, and my left hand and right foot are suffering from excruciating nerve pain caused by implants. My life is hell. I cannot do anything abut my weight until I have ownership of my body again, which may be never. I try to force myself to do some exercise, but there is no joy, no release of energy—nothing really give me joy—ask anyone who can barely hold their head up while their brain stem is being strangled, what gives them joy, and you will understand I am not being facilely dismissive.

I guess I am being punished because with each passing day I learn more and more of these satanic monsters and of their evil designs for humanity and our world. I now suspect that my (original) DNA has elements of two competing alien strains. Crazy as it seems, my paternal side—the MacGregors-- are descended from the watchers (and maybe, also, Constantine and/or the Merovingian bloodline. It is a lineage overlaid and shot through with evil, no doubt the gift of the fallen Watchers. An occultist of the 20th century—the prime mentor of Aleister Crowley laid claim to being a MacGregor (he probably wasn’t—he was a Mather, hmmm, another interesting name—Cotton Mather…), as justification for his inflated occultic claims. It was really very sad to read of his and Crowley’s depravations. As I read of their rites of murder, rape, and gross sexual immorality and explicit bestiality, I wasn’t afraid or disgusted. I found myself in a place of prayer while reading it, truly feeling sorry for people who could be so fundamentally disturbed and alienated.

Crowley and the contemporary occultists are right about one thing though—sexuality is very close to spirituality, and thus primal power. When I named this blog to reflect my desire to reclaim my own sexuality and spirituality back, I thought I was just fighting some narrow-minded, homophobic, Catholic Taliban prigs, but it goes so much deeper than that.

I’m finding it impossible to concentrate. Im in a lot of pain and need to take the only painkiller I have—alcohol. I hate starting to write something without finishing, but my suffering makes concentrated thought and exposition nearly impossible. Wish I could speak it into a software program. Another time.

March 24, 2010

Abducted again last nite. Woke up with cramping belly (only it was deep) and painful ovaries. I think the goddamned masonic fockers tried to scrape out whatever eggs I might have left after they removed them all three years ago during my eye surgery. Almost all. Ive had three, maybe four periods, since then. Maybe there is a couple of eggs left somewhere—motherfockers all salivating over the thought of an ovum marked with their overlords’ truly evil genetic tag. I don’t suppose there is many such “genetically correct,” fertile eggs left in any of the multiple universes that they scavenge, as they look to exploit any raw materials in an attempt to try to revive the degraded race, once known as homo sapiens, which they destroyed years ago in their virtual reality pods that totally denatured the human race from our own bodies.

I hate to be mean, but all I can say to that degraded species, aka, zeta reticulans, is “rest in peace.” Even the dinosaurs or Neanderthals didn’t have such an ignominious end. As for me, there is no peace or even small measure thereof. For the pathetic masonic/satanic/luciferian/templar minions are determined to deliver my soul on a platter to the luciferian lords they worship and serve. Ive been so sick all day that all I can do is hobble. My entire right leg and pelvis is jacked so that I cant even walk straith. Left arm messed up too. My right foot is inflamed with nerve pain and left side of body is severely arthritic. What do the Nazi fockers hope for now? More eggs you can scrape and ream out, you goddamned rapist pigs? The thought that I am going to channel for you sick sons of bitches? I don’t know. All I know is that I am sick and miserable beyond belief, and long for the truly merciful death that I wish for the progeny of my own stolen ova.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

So very drugged

So very drugged, that I honest to God dont know how i got here, dont know how my shake fingers can type. i have to keep eyes shut, i should not have driven here. severely autistic, cannot look at any moving object, must only keep eyes on front of reoad. came because had things to look at. but am too fucked up to think. i just pray God gets me home safe. so sick of being drugged. is it better than the neverending pain. i go to bed crying every nite. last nite no exception. dreamed last nite tony soprano was brutalizing me and nothing i can do about it. yep, some goddamned 33rd degree freemason/satanist piece of mafia shit is brutalizing me with psychotrpic drugs. nothing i can do nothing i can. do . except suffer.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

March 17

Pain, pain, pain—only thing registering in mind as I deal with psychotronic implants that leave my face grossly swollen and misshapen, my temples, bulging out, and my joints in pain to the touch. My poor back—I try to do some yoga, but the curvature of the back is beyond human endurance. Will take a robaxin but nothing can stop this pain. I know now that this is all RNA/DNA/blood cell changes and that it is not for the good of the human race at all, but only to serve the aliens in charge of it. But I am too sick and in too much pain to write about it. THE HUMAN RACE HAS BEEN COMPLETELY DUPED, and it is people like me who suffer because of it. Oh God, I hate my life. Pain unbearable.

March 18—Agony, unbearable agony. Cant stand too much fluid on pelvic girdlde cant put pressure on wrist too much fluid. I want to scream, kick holes in walls, slice wrists, break every dish. Anything to get me out of this unbearable pain, agony. Will go ato bed where maybe I will have dreams like I had earlier today when pain drovce me to bed, crude cartoonish dreams where things move like amoebas under microsacopes. My life is unbearable. God end this horrible miserable pain,. Don’t want to live like this.

March 19, 2010
The morning after—every bone and muslce in my body is wracked and spasmed. I feel like the cat I saw in a Molecular Biolgy 101 film--tortured to muscle-spasming death by chemicals injected into it in the name of science. I cannot walk—my right leg has been completely wrenched from the pelvic girdle by the spasms and I am in constant pain. I can try to move by dragging my right leg in a club foot motion, but the moment I turn my foot forward or put even the slightest independent pressure on the leg, I am bowled over by excruciating pain that nearly knocks me to the ground. My left hand is nearly uselfess as well—the excessive fluid on the wrist neerves mean that I am never sure when movement will cause excruciating pain. It hurts to breathe—every muscle in my back is spasmed, so I am only able to breathe shallowly through my mouth.
Who do I have to thank for this? The Sirians, together in alliance with the Agarthans, are close to enslaving the human race in a virtual reality prison in which their poor, tortured subjects live in virtual reality pods, their bio-electrical systems feeding the one slaver race with energy, while the other taps into our hormones for nourishment. And the human being lives trapped, titillated, and literally milked by virtual reality holography into releasing the hormones(especially adrenaline, on which the aliens thrive), and bio-electricity, completely unaware of their birthright as free children of God the Almighty.

So they torture my body and my brain into every conceivable and unnatural chemical and physiological contortion and experiment, trying to entice and trap me into their holographic world. I guess they think if I see them, that somehow, I am going to all of a sudden, believe the lies and claptrap with which so many others are now victimized, and justify the outrageously egregious and predatory psychic and physical rape that they have already committed against hundreds of thousands of humans. I listened to some of Sheldan Nidle on the radio yesterday, and was so distressed that someone could swallow those lies that these UFO/ET cultists believe. I ask myself, “how could it get this far?” I think I know. First of all, it got this far, because we, as a race, no longer believe in the Truth, or that there is even a Truth. From a religious perspective, GK Chesterton said it best, “When people no longer believe in God, they don’t believe in nothing—they believe in anything!” I can’t really blame people for not maintaining an unswerving fidelity to the pursuit of Truth and God, because the churches, which should have been our leaders and shepherds have completely failed in their responsibility. I could write a whole entire book on how the roots and branches of this monumental failure developed and lay, but this is not the time, and I have not the energy. Suffice it to say that the blame is everywhere—from the patriarchal Catholic hierarchy, to the mediocre mainstream Protestants to the dogmatic, self-righteous fundamentalists and evangelicals.
The concept of truth has even been compromised and undermined in the strictly secular arena. In my first year at UCR, before my conversion, I explored some philosophy and psychology classes, thinking that maybe one of those subjects would provide an avenue of pursuit into the Truth that I sought desperately sought. What a joke! Deconstructionism, rationalistic and/or self-referential and subjective circles and dead ends, empirical solipsism—-nobody (I speak mainly of the professors, though the students were being trained in it as well), referenced anything except the sovereignty of their own academic territory and subjective egoistic needs and demands. (Oh, and guess what, a virtual reality world is one in which the satisfaction of the small, egoistic demands is completely anticipated, catered to, and gratified). I was a Humanities student where such sacrilege was especially evident, but the Science students were being trained in it to. I especially remembered my dismay as I watched “Omni” magazine devolve. From my earliest years, I had always been a big, nearly indiscrimate reader of science fiction, but over the years, I began to realize that these scientists (MIT and JPL types) had lost touch with their own humanity, their own flesh, their own sexuality, and were advocating for a reality that was truly sick, warped, and unhuman. Again, I am too sick to write in support of this thesis. Let me just say that I knew a lot of evangelicals were in the sciences, and instead of countering with an informed, humanistic version of the Truth, they fell into the easy defense of dogmatic truth, ie creationism. I would get so frustrated because I knew that they were fighting dogma with dogma, (only one science student, a physics postdoc, had the balls to debate with me—the rest gave me a wide berth), and thereby bypassing the pursuit and revelation of Truth altogether.

All of these things combined have led all of us to be vulnerable to the Big Lie. I wish I could expleain better, but I hurt and am in pain and need to lay down. Before I woke up I dreamed of taking motrin. I’ve taken two, and need to lay down. I have to get out and get some water, so I need to feel better.

Later…not feeling better, just more deeply drugged. I realize it has been over a week since I last worked out and couldn’t even work out for the full session last time I went. Now my body is wrecked with the chemical caused muscle spasms of last night. I can move a few incehes at a time, but my entire right leg and hip are now out of joint. I just discovered that I literally cannot rotate my arm with the palm up. Of course it doesn’t matter to the Grand Inquisitors. They still are trying to get me to some unnatural state of being—whether it be in the holographic world of our would-be slavers or the pietistic state of utter sterility that the Jesuit/opus dei crowd venerates as holiness. They don’t know what holiness is. Well let me tell you, assholes. Holiness is persevering in the state in which one is true, to self and true to God, and true to reality, even when it means being drugged and tortured and muscle-wracked. Nothing great I am doing—only being true to myself, humanity, and God, of which my tormentors know nothing, except by secondhand hearsay. They are correct about one thing tho—thanks to their goddamned drugs I am closer to the psychosis—I am not in reality at all. Only one problem you sorry assed fockers—I am a mystic, truth to me is oppenness to reality. Anything that happens in this psychotic haze and pain is of the devil and my spirit knows it, and my spirit cannot be drugged. When will you realize that you lost me years ago—that when you failed to honor my free will, that you revealed yourselves to be children of Satan. It is you who are the true prisoners of this planet. You can kill me, destroy my health and body, but you cannot change or control my spirit. It will be in sadness, but in knowledgeable experience, that I, along with God’s holy angels and true saints, will stand in judgement against you. May God preserve any human being from suffering the undeserved hell that you have unleashed upon me. Run and hide, fockers, judgment is coming….

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

First time well enough to leave home in over 5 days

So much going on, but I have spent nearly all day fighting brain stem strangulation. Cabt
Think. Mind not able to move. Wish I could die, escpe this pain and misery.

March 11, 2010

As can be ascertained by the above, I am seriously drugged again. No energy. No ability to think. Just going through the motions. But no emotions—just as flat and depressed and “don’t give a fock” as I can be. At the worst, I am severely autistic, unable to integrate and interact with reality. Can’t stand the stimuli pouring in—have to shut it out. Wish I could just sleep, and let this hell that is my life disappear. There is a lot going on, but I am too sick to even begin to penetrate it, much less write about it. Maybe that is the whole point of being drugged. They just want an empty mind they can fill with Sananda or any of their other stupid ass Gnostic lies. So who is responsible—the Nazis (pisced because I do everything I can to thwart them), or the Christo-fascists (but then that breaks down into the Ratzinger faction—which I suspect of being aligned with the Nazi/clearly malevolent Jesuit faction, and the rigid, repressively pharasaical Opus/Dei/insidiously malevolent Jesuit faction). If I were healthy I could explain the difference between the two, but I cannot hold a thought in my head. It is a good thing I don’t feel an urgent call of danger because to work things through, I have to be able to think, I have to be able to hold ideas in my head. Not happening. Empty, dead blank. And the goddmaned morons keep drugging me and looking at me, like they expect me to levitate, roll my eyes heavenward, and lift my hand in some kind of pietistic blessing that only people who honor a dead spirituality, not a live one, can long for (watch the Youtube vido of Pius XII’s faked “mystical experience, or Ratzinger’s recent address to the walking dead, habited religious).” They can’t handle a living spirituality. That is why I am drugged, and why their forebears murdered Christ, and prophets of every tradition. Nothing more frightneing than someone alive, free, in living relationship with God, and utterly condemning of the legalistic, patriarchal, sex and life-hating system that is institutional religion. Even tho’ I cant think, I need to read, need to do somehting besides watch tv. Going tobe a long nite.

March 13,

Another day from hell, unimaginable suffering, longing for death suffring and prayer. Alll focked up on psychotropics. Feels like dry migraine, but not pain in head, painful suffering in body makes up for it. Every muscle hurts back shoulders knees quads. Kneecaps cant walk. Too much fluid. Too sick to drive. Going to try to go to yoga tomorrow but if I am in kind of mpain im in now, wont happen. No way I can drive twelve miles. Belly is ice cold. Only part of me that seems to work is fantasy. Wish I could fantasize im not in pain.
I have to somehow write. I suspect my suffering is direct result of opus dei and or the goddamned patriarchal pig jesuits. Once again try ing to get me to convret or enter interdimensional realms. Stupid focking basterds don’t have the slightest idea how matters of spiritu work. All they know is how to coerce and disrespect body, and espercially the female body. As ssoon as head clears I have to start writing against these godammed pieces of sheet who have spent a dozen years creating pain and destroying my

body to meet their pathetic, misogynistic agenda. Cant do it tonite. Body hurts so bad, cant type. But I will youu pigs, I promise you I am your sworn enemy, just as you are sworn enemy of humanity and the Holy Spirit. God help me sleep when I am so fokced up.

March 14,

I’m wondering if I am being force-fed risperdol once again. As with risperdol, I am walking around as if I have a brain tumor strangling my brain stem. Nobody can imagine how sick and badly I truly feel. I can barely function, physically, mentally or emotionally. I guess it is a good thing that the world is in a temporary lull because if the goddamned christofascist pigs had started feeding me risperdol two weeks ago, our skies would now be torched and darkened beyond repair. So God, I’ve done something good for humankind. NOW LET ME DIE. FREE ME OF THIS PSHCYTROPIC HELL. I AM TIRED OF CONSTANT, NEVER ENDING PAIN AND SUFFERING. As long as I live, I need to try to write against these christofascists, but I am too sick to be capable of rational, logical thought. All I can do is live in mental world of images. Well I have to put it down. The world has to know the kind of fascism that the Inquisiton is laying down. But not right now. Too sick. Im trying to read but am too sick to digest. I know because im in middle of book on enoch, and the mind could move, think, make connections earlier, now my mind is totally dead cannot think at all. I don’t even take notes. Doesn’t matter. Too sick to goddamn care. I know what I think just to sick to write or exprss it. Body hurts so bad but will try to do yoga. Don’t know how I cn drive for thirty minutes hurts to keep eyes open.

March fifteen, very close to death. I cant wait. After very agonizing day of pain and suffering, I am in some kind of shocky cocoon. Don’t feel much thou I know pain is still ther. Im reminded of lil girl I saw, victim of abuse who died with swollen brain after repeated beating. No doubt my brain is severely swollen and brain stem strangled. Brain shutting down. Cant move, cant respond to hearing. Cant see. Hurts to open eyes. But have made one resoultion. If god should intervene prevent my death, all my life is going to focus on fighting christo fascists. VERY IMPORTANT. THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE PAIN AND AGONY I SUFFER AT THE HANDS OF THE CHRISTOFASCISTS DRUGGING AND THE PRE=CHILE EARTHQUAKE EMP PSYCHOTRONIC WEAPONS . OBViously the politicians have got the nazis in check but christofascists still running hog wild and killing me. I am glad. I am tired of suffring. Just wish to die. Save me from having to do it myself. Take it off my conscienc.e such agony, such pain, poor lil gir.. I have screamed, yelled, cursed, broke off all relations, begged for help but the XXXXing fascist opus dei, jesut, sli types don’t hear or see anything outside their tiny lil box.

March 16

Pulled back from brink of death, but my poor, tortured, traumatized body is wrecked. Every part of me hurts. My back is so severely curved from muscle spasms that I can’t lay down on my back on the floor. My eyes (both of them—not just the one that didn’t get surgical intervention) are pressured with dangerous amounts of fluid (I can tell my how dark my vision is). I can’t even do a child’s pose in yoga. Both my arms and legs are heavy—and feel like dead, unresponsive limbs. Body can’t even stretch out. My head still feels so heavy like a bowling bowl, while I feel feverish and zoned out. My house mirrors my body—totally trashed, as I have been too sick to even wash out the dishes I eat from. Fortunately, I had food already cooked and lots of microwave dinners, but it still is overwhelming to look at my house. I am still too sick to take any action, but I must. I haven’t even left my house in four days. Four days not only lost, wasted, stolen from my tortured body and raped psyche, but four days of sheer, living hell that I don’t even know how I endure or why I survive. My body cannot take this torture any longer. The implants are pure poison to my body—that is why every system and organ in my body—from my metabolism and weight issues, to my muscle spasms and ketoacidosis, to my eyes to my joints and fluid-filled brain, head and neck, all react so negatively. The sad thing is, I don’t need them. Like the mystics of other ages and cultures, I am quite capable of interdimensional interaction without them, for I am naturally in touch with (or I used to be, before years of pain, abuse, and yes the implants, separated me) the elements of the brain necessary for that transport. I am naturally, overwhelmingly, right brain (as I suspect most autistics are). I have to work at being logical, verbal, and this-world, time-space, oriented. The implants just flake me out, and make me hyperactive or undermine my ability to function in this temporal-spatial world (which has been my natural weakness my entire life but which I overcame through years of education, effort and self-discipline). It is like giving me LSD to experience “God” or my unconscious. I don’t need it. I am quite capable of a mystical experience of God or exploring the depths of my unconscious quite naturally, and even better than most, because I am not fooled by an ersatz experience, like drug users are. But I do it of my own free will, not through coercion. Like Enoch, I will only do it by walking with God. I won’t do it through manipulation and coercion. So go ahead assholes, and force your psychotronic XXXX on me. I have already made up my mind. I will slit my wrists before I let myself be manipulated or coerced by demonic spirits. But I don’t think I need to go that far. I think your machinations will kill me first.

…I beg God for death. Pleease God , kill me. No one can begin to imagine the drug-induced psychosis I am in, and how I long for death or , if I could see their weasely, opus dei faces, murder. So very very sick. My body is disgusting to loos at, so filled with fluid that is is full of stretch marks and infection pockets everywhere. Looking at the implant mutilations and my whale fat just makes me sick to my stomach, eps since I am too sick to do any exercise at all. Wanted to get out and do laundry , but it was so hard to move at all—putting on clothes, socks and shoes seems like monumental challenges—that I just couldn’t do it. Overwhelmed at the thought of fall lil things I have to do, get dressed, gt laundry in car, get soap, put everything in purse. Too much. I am not in reality, and cannot handle evn the simplest of chores. I knew I had to let go when God himself told me that I was too drugged to drive. God tells me to hold on, but how can I function this way. I am swinging between mood swings of pure rage to genuine suicidal ideation to just sleeping, slept all morning, but the worst of it is not being in my body, not being in reality. I want so much to end it all, but even getting into position to end it all takes an energy and initiative that I don’t have…
8:15 pm—sicker than I thought. No wonder why God told me not to drive. 4 hours later, I tried driving residential streets at 20-30 miles an hour, suffering from severe motion sickness of migraines. (Just reminded me, ive got mezacline somewheree). Keyword SEVERE. As in I was not sure if I was moving or the parked cars were moving, and freaked out at cars and bicycles in motion. Woud have been very bad if I tried to drive four miles with lights and multiple lanes. Left because I had to get water and wascraving my fave migraine food—carls jr. santa fe chicken and sprite. I think it’s the capsicum. In addition to the green chile, I pile it high with jalapeno salsa and banana peppers. Normally, my mouth wouldn’t be able to take that level of heat but when I have migraine my taste buds are dead and it feels good to have a roaring fire in my innards. At least some part of me is alive. But not much. I am sicker than I even thought. Has been four days in the house and I thought maybe I just needed to get out and about. But no, im very sick and very shaky. My legs and arms are as rubbery and shaky as if I have just finished a 14 our hike in the mts. Eyes cannot open to get the stimuli, worst part esp for driving is the severe motion sickeness. Even when I watch tv I cant watch anything in motion.
Too sick to read, which sucks because my book on Enoch is due now, and I have to return it witout reading whole thing. But I have read enough to know---know lots of things but too sick to write them down. Just resolve to be my like my lord, Jesus, and would rather die than capitulate to the sick warped “whitewashed sepulchres” that are responsible for my suffering. You pigs and pricks of the first order. You knbow nothing of faith or spirituality, but you know a lot about the occult and extraterrestials with whom you make deals and alliances. Well, I wont serve you or your agenda. And sick as I am, as much as I suffer, the more I resolve. XXXX you and XXXX the horse you rode in on. I may suffer at your hands, but in a way that is good. I write this all down so that there is a record when history goes to figure out how you could alienate someone like myself who is easygoing and forgiving. Well you have. Buit don’t let that change your agenda. Fry my mind, destroy my body, make me psychotic because guess what motherXXXXers, that is the only satisfaction you will ever see of me. I despise you and everything you stand for, and I have made resolve as soon as I am healthy enough to write and research I am going to throw every ounce of energy and learning and productivity against you. If and when the Lord wills it. In the meantime, I fight against satan’s spawn, opus dei and the jesuits and sli, with nothing but a resolved spirit in a very sick and weak body. Go to hell pigs.

March 17

I’ve awakened in something approximating a right mind for the first time in over five days. Still not healthy, and my weight gain over the last five days is very disturbing to me, but there is nothing I can do about it. My back muscles are severely spasmed and curved so that my glute muscles have to do all the work every time I lift a foot, and those muscles insist on their pound of flesh—literally. I’m not very happy as I reread my notes. I realize as I did before, these Jesuit pigs and slave traders are changing my words almost as soon as I write them down!!!! I guess this time around, they are not going to wait centuries before they begin the redacting, editing, and deleting process. It is clear to me now, how much the words and actions of, including, but not limited to, Enoch, Jesus, Paul, and indeed the entire scriptural legacy, both canonical and non-canonical, has been manipulated, edited, misunderstood and twisted to serve a warped and very small vision of reality. This is the very small, warped reality now presided over by higher elements in the Jesuit and Opus Dei orders, into which they desperately try to cram my free, large spirit, in the hopes that they can continue their dominance in an unnatural, unspiritual, and enslaved institutional Church. As a matter of fact, I suspect that some evil, power-hungry Jesuit or Opus Dei bigwig is hoping to somehow steal my writing (and make the necessary redactions) so that he can use it, along together with his alliance with alien extraterrestials, to thrust himself into greater dominance in this heretical model of spirituality. The Vatican is dead! Let’s have 2000 more years of spiritual totalitarianism—find someone of true spirit whose words and inspirations we suck out of her after crucifying her with torture and psychotropic drugs!
Such is my reality—knowing that every move and word of mine is monitored, and subject to immediate alteration so that these dead-souled slavers can continue to live out and institute their warped “imagination of their hearts.” (Oh, by the way, what was altered, several things—but mostly I used the word coercion, not conversion in the preceding entry—twice!! Reread it).

Saturday, March 6, 2010

"Hell is in session" again

"Hell is in session" again--no i am not mocking the vietnam pow experience. what i have gone thrug last six years now is nothing but totaltarian mind control designed to break my mind soul and spirti. recognize my eyes as being the exac same (alienated glassy stare and large pupils) as Mr. Bedell. Recognize fellow mind control victims in the woman from hunsvill and the man who flew plane into irs in tx. all were victims of nazi mind control experiements. all were highly intelligent, and even autistic (if not clinically so, they shared the same symptoms--esp. difficulty in relationg socially). recognize theat they nazis need autistics in order for the avatars to hijack a person's body (from christian perspective, known as demonic possession). for those who cannot bear the pain and the pressure of the drug induced psychosis forced upon them, they snap in the homicidal rage that the damned drugs cause. If I were not Christian, I wouldhave snapped a logn time ago. I feel the same homicidal rage. Christianity doesnt give me some magical protection or even an awareness that I have "to love" or take a certain action. A RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD IS COMPLETELY IMPOSSIBLE IN THIS STATE, which is a demonic or pshycotic state. But I clasp to relationship with God THROUGH FAITH, and it is that inner kernel of strength and grace that I am able to resist the rage and the successful implementation of the mind control nazis--which is demonic possession by alien ententies. I may not be speaking properly. too sick to think this thru and express myself logically but this is the general drift. sorr i cant do better.

But to me it is i protant that people realize what is going on. The people of Chile did not suffer in vain. It is better than having the whole world go thru the hell that is my life. I would give my life if I could to stop these bastards. I would give anything but my eternal soul to stop these bastards. Dale was asking me about dahn yoga and while i was tell ing her that i got something out of it (feeling better after shaking), i recognized they had ulterior agenda. I was trying to tell her that ilchee lee, I do believe, is connected with the UNO/Maruice Strong group that is as evil as Satan himself. I also believe they are thrying to get people plugged in the evil alien matrix by actibaton of the chakras. Again, I am too sick to elaborate further. but last night i relize intesne pressure was being put on a upper back chackra (the same chakra that causes asth ma, an it is interesting strong is a severe astmatic), and it was causing my entire upper body to arch, literally pulling my shoulders out of their joint. Today my shoulders are not only out of alignment but painful to touch and as dead and numb as my legs usually are.
sick of wasted days have to clean house for a pesiticide spray. total mess. too sick ot do anything. but must write. people must know danger were in. people must know the tru hell that is humanitys future if this is not stop. God, I pray for death, not only for me, bu tfor the planet before that happens. Help me get thru day.

Friday, March 5, 2010

Good thing I said my piece late last night

Good thing I said my piece late last night for the damned fuckers have started the downloads again, and once more I am rendered nearly inert with autism and brain stem strangulation. I just want to lay down with a sheet around my head and sleep but I cannot. I have got a whole list of chores to do, and I am struggling to make an indention into my reading list. It is hard to read when one cant understand what they are reading. trying to just read light stuff, give head, brain, a chance to recover. Damned sick of the bullshit.

Feeling compulsive, but, thank God, healthier

March 4, 2010

I’m getting a little bit scared as I peruse the conspiracy web sites. I just sense that the luciferians are getting cocky, despite the big victory for the good guys last week. Basically, we turned their own weapon against them. I don’t know how the fighters for humanity did it, because I don’t think that we are in possession of the Nazi earthquake technology to which they have access. My initial thought on the matter is that the great victory for freedom and humanity was the result of some intelligence and/or military agency operative(s) “flipping.” Maybe it was part of the F2/ONI/”Nebraska Navy”contingent (there have been some very interesting articles about the vilification and removal of a Navy commander—Holly Graf—and a “race” between the USS McCain and the USS Cowpens, but I have no time to follow through on these tangents). I am beginning to feel compulsive, as though humanity is running out of time, and in my intellectual arrogance, I hopefully cling to the belief that if I can understand the deviousness of the unfolding evil, I can somehow prevent it. Secularist humanists would scoff at me, and call this “magical thinking,” but I believe in the power of prayer, even though I do recognize that true prayer is not the passive petition that babies in the faith present. While everyone begins as a “baby,” the mature prayer of someone who progresses in the spiritual life, is highly active, requiring effort, work and often, emotional pain, and it is the ardency and perseverance of that effort and work that bestows success.

Well, I am “working it.” I begrudge every free moment I take for myself. My house is a mess, and I’m eating “hot pockets” and fast food carryout as I attempt to salvage every possible minute for “working” on the problems that occupy my head. It is very frustrating that I have to spend valuable time trying to figure out how to work this limited 90’s technology I use, and how to bypass all the problems that the spyware creates. But I have no time to waste railing against the limitations I endure. Soon the implant downloads will kick in, alternatively causing me to sleep or to be so wired and autistic as to be non-functional. I have disks full of offline web documents that I brought home to read. I want desperately to write more about contemporary politics, the validity of responsible liberalism, and to clarify and inveigh against the disinformation campaign smears that are strangling the individuals in power who most efficaciously are fighting the “Beast.” I want desperately to write more about my own spiritual position, and most especially, my independence from the contemporary, anemic, institutional churches, and tie that into insight from a “recovered” understanding of Christ. But politics and religion, while vastly important, rank behind survival, and it is survival of the planet and humanity that motivates my writing now.

For my intuitive feelers are picking up that the luciferian Nazis are about to make a couple of big moves. Ultimately, our adversaries, at least on the human plane, are Nazis, though they are backed by extraterrestial entities. That is why I was told in a dream to read Mein Kampf, and why several years ago, I had a powerful dream about Nazis capturing my lover and myself. I have been longing for a little bit of extra time to research and answer my own question, “What is the difference between a 32nd degree Mason (FDR) and a 33rd degree Mason (Truman), because I now believe that Truman was a fraud and TRAITOR put forth by the freemasons. I also suspect that FDR’s death was intentionally and homicidally hastened by these same powers, even though he already was a dying man. Without a lot of research into it, I think that FDR would have been more reluctant to use the atomic bomb—as a veterano, he certainly would have had a lot more credible authority in surrender negotiations with the Japanese. However, for the Nazis and their evil agenda, the release of the atom bomb was important, because it would destroy Earth’s protection, “the revolving sword” that God put around us to prevent a repeat of abusive “edenic control,” from other dimensions.

Also, I am confident that FDR would never have collaborated with the Nazis in any form or manner, as Truman did, by creating intelligence agencies headed by, and riddled with Masons and/or Nazis. One could argue that Truman was ignorant, rather than malicious, having sold out his soul in unquestioning obedience to luciferian powers, and I don’t know enough to pass judgment or muster defense. But I do know that FDR was much too perceptive to ever let that happen. He would have been too aware to be hoodwinked, and too invested in the struggle against Nazism to have allowed it.

I suppose that I should defend my use of the word, “Nazi,” but this is not the place. I use that word because I believe it to be definitely and unequivocally true, and because I want people to understand the completely evil and depraved nature of the adversary we are up against. Aided and abetted by alien entities, they are in possession of a top-secret technology, “scalar technology” (read Joseph Farrell) that is a true superweapon. Not only could it bring down the World Trade Center Towers 1 & 2, (no, Virginia, two jet planes couldn’t bring down those massive two towers), but also, it is capable of inducing weather weapons, such as hurricanes, our current winter from hell, and most deadly and scary of all, earthquakes.

Earthquakes are a deliberate part of the Nazi agenda. As incredible as it seems, they have a romantic, idealistic attachment to their understanding of history—going back as far as Atlantis and Lemuria! They feel compelled to raise those millennia-sunken islands as their future world. To do this, they are creating earthquakes, both by deep oil-well drilling and scalar technology all over the planet, getting the tectonic plates to stress, release, and shift. I hope that somewhere, the good guys are monitoring these daily earthquakes and can figure out the pattern.

Would it matter? Look at Brazil. They are refusing to engage in sanctions against Iran. Why? Because these Nazis, in an effort to create terror and international discord, are deliberately backing wanna-be-nuclear rogue states, especially Iran and North Korea. Are Brazilians Nazis or a rogue state? No, they are just greedily self-centered. For George Soros (funded by billions of American taxpayer dollars, thanks to Barack Obama’s deliberate bypass of Congress—did I mention that Obama is a proactive partner and stooge of the Nazis) is “drilling for oil” off the shore of Brazil. Actually, his purpose is to help destroy the planet’s landmass, as we know it, through massive seismic upheaval, but for Brazil, it is a windfall—energy resources being mined at the expense of the American taxpayer. How George Soros can continue to get away with this, after being one of the prime players in the destruction of the American economy, is inconceivable to me. But destroying the American economy, as horrible as it is, does not compare to the thought of the entire state of California being wiped out. All the “psychics” and channelers who “see” a North American continent sans California are being fed disinformation, but it certainly is a likely possibility if the Nazis are not stopped.

Even scarier to me, because I’m just now picking up on the “web chatter” about it, is my fear that the Nazis are getting ready to “torch the sky.” That phrase comes from the movie, The Matrix. I know that movie is trying (behind an editorial smirk), to tell us what will happen, and there is a section where Morpheus tells Neo about the sunless, dark sky, and how nobody was really sure how it happened. Well, from the web chatter, I suspect a North American HAARP “accident.” Hopefully, somewhere we have effective and trustworthy intelligence and military operatives who can counter this plan. However, the luciferians seem very smug. I fear another scenario, similar to what happened on 9/11. David Hawkins has given a brilliant analysis of exactly what happened, on Greg Noory’s coast-to-coast show (the transcript is available from him) or download the podcast from the Rumormillnews radio (Interestingly enough, the host, a truly intrepid woman, suffered from a heart attack at the beginning of the show—truth purveying is an occupational hazard in 21st century America). The most disturbing element of his analysis is the sophisticated sabotage already in place at multiple levels. The Air Force was completely unable to respond because they were fooled by communications sabotage (helped along by Dick Cheney, I do believe). The airplanes had their gyroscopes altered, so that not only was the “kill switch” disabled, but the plane could maneuver on automatic pilot via computer command. Who was responsible for these altered gyroscopes? The manufacturer was Boeing! A while back, I was irritated to learn that American civilian plane parts were being manufactured in China. I thought it was an asinine security risk and couldn’t believe it. Now, I wonder if this outsourcing was a successful end run around against attempted regulatory control by the government to ensure this gyroscope tampering never happened again. Anyway, this manufacturer tampering and sophisticated sabotage is so disturbing because if they could get away with it at the level of 9/11, they can get away with it “to torch the skies.” Damned, it doesn’t help that we can’t trust the very corporations (infiltrated by Nazis and/or Masons at high levels), who the American taxpayers have made successful and prosperous.

Another way they can torch the skies is through massive amounts of volcanic ash. I agree with David Hawkins that Maurice Strong (the big buddy of George Soros and Barack Obama) is ultimately responsible for the manipulation of increased volume of volcano ash (and cooked climate change data) through the Volcanic Ash Advisory Center. Volcanic activity and eruption are important components of the seismic reconfiguration of the planet, and I know the scalar weapons can cause massive eruptions. I especially worry about the big volcano in Indonesia—(Krakatow??). But volcanic eruption has completely darkened the sky for entire seasons before. It would be easy to happen again.

Why would these Nazis want to “torch the sky?” I have a couple of theories. First of all, it would darken the planet and sun, and this would have a profound negative impact on the psyche of the population. I think that their ultimate goal is to separate our sense of self from material reality—Earth and body—in order to be more easily deluded by their false mental and holographic projections into a ‘dreamtime’ reality.

Also, it could easily necessitate the abandonment of the surface of an uninhabitable planet surface so that the only way to survive would be in the underground cities the black ops people have spent hundreds of billions of dollars to build in the past two decades.

Finally, I wonder if a torched sky is a protection mechanism from possible intervention by God and/or His angels. The overlords of the Nazis have plans for Earth, and getting fried by a CME could really upset those plans. One thing I know for sure—Satan hates the Earth and humanity, and unfortunately a lot of people who also hate their own self and humanity are in power. So God help us, and all the brave men AND women who are fighting tooth and nail, and sacrificing their careers, and their citizen’s blood and property for us. Amen.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Fear....coming at me, and fighting it!

March 1, 2010

Once again looking at ¼ inch seams running down my legs as the fluid drains out. I try to shake to get the fluid out, but after a certain point, the head is too congested and painfilled to shake. I am at that point. I tried to go to a job fair today. Very frustrating because it was so hard to get showered and dress. Nearly none of my clothes fit. I guess I am around 213-214 pounds, maybe higher. Bought a thrift store scale but haven’t calibrated it. Worse of all was appearance in mirror—my back is not curved, it is positively caved in. Never have I seen a back, whether on me or anyone else that was so drastically v-shaped in a human body. From the side, I don’t even look like a vertebraed human. No wonder I am not only in constant back pain, but also constant abdomen pain. All of the muscles of the torso have to be incredibly stressed with the back muscles and spine in such an abnormal position. I even find myself incontinent. Body, bladder, cant handle any kind of pressure from the severe organ displacement and bodily stress caused by back muscle spasms. Too sick to read. Too sick to write. Going to bed with heating vibrating pad, muscle relaxants and vodka. Wish I had pain killers. Too much pain to handle.

March 3, 2010

1:30 in the morning, and awake—last time I wrote these words, a massive earthquake (and oh so much more was taking place), but I just scanned the cable news channel, and there is nothing on but reruns. I can go to sleep and rest easily, except that I rarely rest easily. I never know when the damned downloads will begin, and I’ve awakened in the middle of night with severely swollen face and head pain the last two days, but I already had my cup of suffering for the day. A massive headache and autism hit me so hard when I tried to go to the gym that I had to quit after 5 minutes on treadmill. I am distressed about my weight, but there is so much going on, fretting over my body image is low priority. I’m pretty proud of the way that I managed to go to the library to get in a last hour of surfing, and also able to clean my kitchen, even though I was hobbling around with eyes half shut. I’m not so proud that I scared some pedestrians (French exchange students—I heard them talking through my open window) as they used an unsignalled crosswalk. Because I am so out of reality with autistic perception when I am that way, I didn’t see them and brake until the last minute. Poor students, poor me, and gracias a Dios that I didn’t hit anybody.

So much is going on that I don’t know where to begin. My mind is reeling from information overload right now. I can’t say that I am overwhelmed because really I’m not. Monitoring my mind is like reading an excellent, page-turning book right now. When I am in that state, it is hard to put the book away and attend to the details of daily living. Likewise, I know that I need to put more effort into organized writing and reading, but it is so hard to get the mind to slow down. I am making connections faster than I can express them. Maybe it is good that I don’t express them. I have a paranoid intuition that the Nazis/Freemasons/Satanists/Illuminati/Jesuits—all the enemies of humanity are becoming increasingly sharp regarding their perception of me. I was struck by the evil, reptilian eye staring from the billboard at Lead/Broadway, and mentioned it to Dale. The next time I noticed the billboard, the angle of the image had changed. It was the same serpent and the same evil eye, but the changed position of the head had a slant that seemed to mock me, “so you are hip to us, are you.” The word that I would use to describe the second image would be sly. I am reminded of the description of the serpent in the Garden of Eden—“cunning” and “sly.” When I called my mom this weekend (on her personal cell phone, which is what she prefers), Warren (a Freemason and high level, mind controlled agent) answered, which he never does, because first of all, he is very uncomfortable with cell phones (I’m surprised he knew how to push the “talk” button), and secondly, because my mom doesn’t like him handling her phone, and usually the most he does when it rings, is carry it to her. But he did act out of character to talk to me, and even though I barely talked to him, I picked up that his tone seemed aggressively controlling, and again I felt as if I were being monitored and mocked and toyed with in some sense. These people, TPTB, are incredibly cunning, and exceptionally detailed and thorough in their plans. They have backup plan after backup plan. I just get an uncomfortable sense that they got something planned for me—something even more than the jail, chronic unemployment, mental hospital incarceration, and constant drugging that I already have endured at their hands. I can’t help but wonder about blackmail. Obviously, they set up everyone for blackmail, that they think they can use, but I guess they realize the stalking charge is not enough. I worry about my family, and I worry about the future of my ova. I don’t know. These sons of bitches are playing like they got a hand full of aces, while I got a hand full of nothing, and I’m just learning the rules of the game as I play for the first time. And the stakes in the pot couldn’t be higher—the future of humanity and planet Earth.

So what has got them so smug? Is it that they think that I am hopelessly condemned by the implants and the increasing strength of their technology, and until I am a mindless drone, they enjoy the evil channeling that comes through my unconscious from their overlords? Am I going to get some Luke Skywalker revelation of how I am descended from an evil lineage? I already figured that out from my dreams. Are they going to make me an offer I “can’t refuse?” Well, I would refer them to the gospels and the temptation of Christ by Satan, but I don’t think these people take the witness and example of Christ seriously. I do. Maybe they are going to offer to remove these hellacious implants if I proffer undying allegiance. See the above.

I have to say that I had a disturbing experience last night as I was walking home from the park. I saw a woman sitting outside, smoking a cigarette, and I felt a chill of evil emanating from her for a full couple of minutes as I walked past. (I waved hi to her, but all I got in return was the chill feel of evil). As I turned into the alley of my home, I saw a police cruiser shining its light on me, while another cruiser pulled up into the alley behind me. I think the “evil vibed lady” called the cops on me to complain. Now, ( a day later, as I am getting ready to post this blog), I learned that the internet maestra for whom I rely so much in order to get the true news, had a panic and/or heart attack while conducting a radio interview, just as soon as I signed on!! I have known that for a long time these people can “cause” heart attacks and aneyurisms. I strongly suspect that is what happened with Bill Clinton, and in payback, Richard Cheney. I know that it is what happened to Ohio Representative Stephanie Jones in 2008 (“aneurism”). Death doesn’t scare me. Evil does. I have to remember though, and feel the spiritual conviction deep in my soul—I am protected by the blood of the Lamb, and through the intercession of the Archangel Michael. Amen