Monday, April 27, 2009

fucked up again

fucked up again so much drugs in system nonfuctional. head heavy with fluid. worse of all is pain in leg and knee. poor knees are constantly swollen with edema. read a story of satanic rite last nite. recognize that satans minions (you know the primary ones monitoring and reading this) are desperate to get me in their camp. no fucki g way. of course, the socalled Christians are satanic too. Anyuone who tries to create conversion or mind set by pain and suffering against one will are of the devil, and they can go to hell. around me I see people who really love and supprt one another (in public) and u know those are the people of genuine spirit, not anyone of opus dei, sli, or any of ratzies crowd. i long for the day when I had someone who trulyloved me, and yeh, it has been years. maybe someday i can love and be loved again. right now im just in pain, worriedd as hell about the swine flu and pissed at the realization that the same sick bastardsa that have made my life a living hell r murdering again--how many, Lord. wait and see. have to deal with my pain.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

From bad to worse

From bad to worse. definite psychotropic drugs. unable to function all day. in severe pain. i realize now that i am supposed to be. I am undergoing torture and what is torture without pain. i am taking last temazapam. not ony insomnia but tpain is driving me out of my mind, but not into support for the evil papacy or the evil political powers that would use me. 21 horses dead. does anyone in america connect the dots anymore. what kind of pathological monster does that. the same kind as tortures a hapless innocent victim like me. the men may be bitter enemies but they all have the same agenda and aims.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Miserable and depressed

Miserable and depressed--familiar refrain, go to bed hating life, and wake up hating life. I don't know if I am on some kind of psychotropic that has me so fucking depressed and angry all the time, or if this is just the byproduct of being in constant pain, having no energy or no ability to concentrate. On top of everything else, I fear I am close to losing two of the three things in life that, while not providing happiness or joy, at least can make me forget misery for a while. Sometimes, that is. I am trying to write a letter to the people who keep dogging my yoga class and instructor, but thanks to the goddamned opus dei and nwo assholes, I have lost the ability to compose letters and essays in my head. I have never written a rough draft in my life. I always write things out in my head and it just flows to paper. But I have lost all ability to "see" things in my head, and now, writing is no longer a flowing joy. Just the thought of it is more goddamned depression. Fucking work, and I can't keep ideas or thoughts or paragrahs or images in my head. I can't cut, copy and paste words in my head like I did for the first 42 years of my life. Congration fuckers. I'm fucking worthless. nothing to do but watch tv and see how the fucking assholes have screwed us over and are preparing to lead the rest of the nation to the same fate that is now mine--SLAVERY. I am just sick over the loss of my biweekly yoga class.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Woke up depressed

Woke up depressed this morning, miserably drugged up as always, wondering if I am ever am going to feel human again. Last nite I dreamed that I was likely infected with cadium, barium, and radium. I am certain that I am suffering from long term barium poisoning. I havent had a chance to look at the other two to verify for sure. Don't think I will do it right now either. I am in too much pain from muscle spasms caused by the drugging. I wish people could have some idea of what it is to be in non stop chronic pain all the time, and the feeling of frustration that comes when it is imposed on me as a slave owner onto a slavc. It seems to me that my enslaved life keep getting bounced from one jurisdiction to another--political to spiritual. I guess that what I identify as faction 3, which is the evil political/economic cohorts in league with occultic powers, have written me off, and now Opus Dei is back in my life playing games. I guess they don't believe me when I say that Ratzinger is just as evil as the political powrs who play games with my life. I guess they don't believe me when I say that I will have no part of a patriarchal faithless Church and agenda--and opus dei operatives spraying me with drugss or zapping me with emf pulses are prime examples and representatives of faithless patriarchy. I guess they don't believe me when I say I will not be happy until I can mate with a person of the same gender. I can't help what lies and delusions people choose to believe. Because the entire world seems to be mesmerized by the illusory spell cast by the evil one--whether you call it "dogma" or "nlp" or whatever, I guess my ability to see through illusions set me apart, and makes me a high value target. There are people who I root for, who I pray for, who I know not only have my well being, but all of humanity's well being at heart. Unfortunately, all those individuals are eclipsed right now. All I can do is hope that someday, things change. Other than that, I can only pray for death. For the miserable, pain-wracked, drugged up life I lead day after day is no life at all.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Congratulation pos's

Pain is a 9 of 10. figured out what is problem with knees. edema. swelled up like a half tennis ball on the top of kneecaps. cant stamd. camt walk. cant bend knee. pain in all joints shoulders ribs lower back butnot too bad in fingers. i hope this edema doesnt trash my knees. who gives a fuck. maybe i should just be in weheel chair resto of my life. migraine symptomology again. on psychotropic that causes the dry migraine. back is fucked fucked fucked. i havent been to dales class in over a week, and her class is a big reason-67%, the other 33% is teri, why my back stays in shape. am worried that df wants to fire her. i will be fucked if they do. had some sweet sub who just didnt have that yin yang, andrygonous fully human energy like dale and teri--way too much feminine, soft, and gentle. no challeng. also the class was barely over an hour. i need the hour and half classes to fully stretch. it doesnt matter. i a.lready am planninf ofr the worst. too sick to care about yoga anyway. i hope to go tomorrow. dont know if i can not if i cant walk. to bed heating pad. pain pills and God have mercy IHS--a sign I stand under if the corrupt, fraudulent imposter thug I voted for wont. I guess symbolism matters to me after all. I thought i would be happy if he just shucked and grinned and dressed snappy for gq and essence. i was wrong.

I can't even stand up straight

I can't even stand up straight--my musculo-skeletal system is so messed up. My knees can't stand any weight on them--they are messed up as part of the overall problem. Last night I learned about knee pain, as I had shooting pains going thru my knees. Now my body knows--DON"T WALK and DON'T STAND UP STRAIGHT. To be honest, all i want to do is crawl on all fours, but I keep trying to walk. Can't feel my lower legs at all. I keep looking for work but don't know how i am capable of working when i cant even walk.

Thursday, April 16, 2009


Swollen ankles, swollen belly, a swollen esophagus (reminds me of the consequence of trying to take alpha lipoic acid for neuropathic legs). My legs are dead again, but not to the painful level of swollen nerve damage that occurs when this swollennes continues for more than a day. I will try to walk later but I have to admit that it is getting harder and harder to exercise when I am in such constant pain and misery. I just finised a Malachi Martin novel which confirmed a suspision that I have had for a while--Pope John Paul II suffered from psychotropic drugging--and heavy metal poisoning and psychotronic brain implants (no doubt Ratzinger was the official Vatican liason at the time) ever since his hospitalization after the attempted murder. Why is that important? First of all, I always remember how JP2 literally shrunk as a aman and vital force--the goddamned psychotropic drugs cause Parkinsonian symptoms and destruction of the body. I have to fight against that, as surely as I fight against the inability to enter the contemplative state and talk with God, and not some goddamned voice to skull technology, in order to maintain spiritual integrity. I have 2 advantages JP2 did not--I am not a patriarchal male who is out of contact with my body--I "know" what is happening to me and can rage, however ineffectually against it. I am able to put faces and names to the "unspeakable evil that has infected the highest levels of global economic power, political office, and institutional religion (not just the Vatican, but I also think of the Archbishop of Canterbury who is a complete fool, though not evil on the magnitude of Ratzinger).

Tuesday, April 14, 2009


Ravaged--every muscle in my body spasmed locked, tender. I cant stand or sit down because muscles taken for granted-hammies are too sore to work. too sick to go to yoga. slept but twice woke up on acct of not breathing. brain stem is strangulated. Cant hold my head up. it is too heavy with excess csf. my right eye is severely impacted. this is hell. steady strain.

Body ravaged by pain

Body ravaged by pain-severe muscle spasms makes it hard--hurts--to even lift fingers to type. Hurts spasming back muscles. Hurts to breathe, cant draw in a full breath--muscles spasm. i know writing does no good. motherfuckers responsible for thsi are sadists, and pain is just another tool in their mind control agenda and aims. also finally realized that the funny smell of urine is ketoacidosis, that and ammonia--not at same time. my body is literally eating own muscle, fat and proteins. poor body. i am so sorry that you have to endure this torture. STEADY STRAIN. one day you will be dead or free of these goddamned fucking pigass assholes. lets hope that freedom and death dont coincide thru necessity, but if they do that is fine by me. does no good to stay here--they fuck with me in bed, at computer, watching tv. they like giving pain.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Gloomy gray Easter

Gloomy gray Easter--too goddamned depressed to do anything except try to read. I was crying at the thought that I might never be free of these goddamned religious fanatics and these miserable psychotropic drugs ever again. Cant walk, cant work out, too godddamned drug to visit with people, and increasingly miserable over a constipated stomach caused by these fucking pos assholes and the drugs they force on me. Jews say "next year in Jerusalem." I will say next Easter may I be free of these goddamned maggots. If not may God have mercy on me and let me be six feet under

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Up and about today

Up and about today but nowhere near healthy. Drugged to the point of near dsyfunction. My back and neck and shoulders are tender from being locked up while I spent the last three days in bed. Worse of all, my stomach is not digesting. It has been steadily getting worse since Tuesday. I ate a salad and two 4 oz bowls of soup about 5 hours ago, and my stomach is still tender and swollen from eating (and I didn't even eat to excess-- my belly could not take it). I still am regurgitating from the lunch over 5 hours ago, and I delicately sip tablespoons of water, because my belly can't even take water. I don't know what the fuck these goddamned idiots are doing to me now, but it is causing nothing but misery and pain.

Friday, April 10, 2009

3rd or 4th fay of migraine

3rd or 4th fay of migraine-too sick to do anything. tongue is swollen. i am biting on it because it is too swollen. belly is swollen and painful and tender. can only drink small sips of water. Good Friday is hell day for Christians I have had nothing but hell years. but i a m who i am am. can do no different but speak truth and claim freedom, even if truth and freedom is despised by my tormentors.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Migraine all day

Migraine all day. stomach not digesting. have classic stool of migraine--whatever drug i am being force fed is messing up g-i really bad. how much longer can i continue to be sick like this all the goddamned time. it has been so long since i felt healthy. miserable with stomach bloat and migraine head pain.

Drugging now has me nonfunctional

Drugging now has me nonfunctional--i can tell that the drugging which started 2 or 3 days ago has now reached saturation level. started out with a excess "gaba headache"--now migraine is inescapble. i have been suffering with it and even last nite couldnt escape nausea an pain. on top of that my belly is bloated to the point of pain and tenderness. hurts to even eat or digest small amts. bowel movement is impacted too. cant even dringk any coffee to try to get moving. even hurts to drink water. my guess is that i am over 210 pounds now but am too sick with migraine to care.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Woke up with a sick headache

Woke up with a sick headache but even more troubling (I have sick eadaches nearly single moment of my life), a bloated stomachache. I was dismayed yesterday to see that I am nearly 210 pounds, and could nolt understand why when I have been trying to work out in my living room (which is REALLY REALLY hard when I feel like shit and death all rolled into one miserable ball all the time). But now I have got the bloated belly/no digestion syndrome going on again. Come on fuckers--let's see if you goddamnned pieces of shit can get my weight over 210. Fucking miserable. Hating life. Hurting stomach.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Holy week hell

Holy week hell as I struggle just to function with these goddamned brain implants. Totally prevented from any kind of holy intent or contemplation, even of the most secular nature, such as happens when reading poetry. I have to stare at the satanic sheen in my eyes every time I look in the mirror, and too often I see it on tv on the glazed soulless eyeballs of politicians who have sold their soul to be part of the "New World Order." I have to try to keep my faith in my heart. My God knows that I am not free to worship, to pray, to be alive, to be human. I read today in one of the alien propaganda sites that "homo sapiens won't exist in 100 years." Well, if living life as I have lived it ever since the brain implants were put in me, is the future of humanity, then yes, homo sapiens is better off extinct. But as long as I am alive, I have to fight for the right to be human. Unfortunately the drugs just take too much out of me. Depressed. Wonder how much longer this hellish life will continue.

Monday, April 6, 2009

In severe pain

In severe pain from muscle spasms. Too sick to go to yoga. Not as bad as I was last nite , but still not functional. All i can do is lay in bed with a heating pad on. I guess the powers that be are getting desperate . All I do is lay in bed and pray my suffering helps those people maintain--the people who truly love this country, liberty, freedom, and yes, a true worship of God. Sooner or later, there has to be a victory for good in htis world. Not my world tho. My body hurts.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

unablet to function

unablet to function--heavy drugging begun again. cant walk, bike or do any exercise. can no longer watch tv. eyes cant stay open. i have severe headache. God i wish to be human please. if i cant be human please take my life. i am not a human i am an aminal, a labrat in the most incredible sufffering pain.

Friday, April 3, 2009

After 4 days of crippling migraines

After 4 days of crippling migraines I am functional again. Still don't feel too good, with my head weighing about 50 pounds (excess csf) and unable to turn my heads or eyes--symptoms I know now of a strangled brain stem. But I have to take this respit e to try to get some basic chores done. House is a mess. Things going on but cant waste my energy on them. Have t try to get a handle on my messy house and laundry

Thursday, April 2, 2009

One drugged up day from hell over--another on way

One drugged up day from hell over--another on way. Ydsterday total loss. unable to do anything but lay in bed. today too. too sick to open my eyes. cant lift head or even walk. i am certain that this renewed assault has to do with the ufo incident over va on sun nite. the one everyone is denying. never fails to amaze me how stupid we are. this country is being sold down the river by a truly monstrous evil, and no noe well very few people are getting it. i think the danbed ufo was another weapon for obama to sell this country into slavery, and boy does he enjoy it. what a sick warped personality he is. Now all they need is a false prophet. but it aint me babe. i would rahter suffer and die than be part of your evil plans. i just am sorry that i am too sick to speak out more forcefully and clearly. so instead i spend my days in bed askin g God to let my suffering to be used to support those people who are in a position to save the freedom and liberties of our once great nation. They know who they are. May God give you the strength to succeed , since such strength has been denied me. i know of nothing to do but lay in bed and suffer. too damned sick to do anything else.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Another sick day

Another sick day--got a dry migraine. think i am too sick to do anything but lay in bed. I have a lot to do hoese is a mess. need to do laundry. maybe later i can get out of bed